The Case of the Green Pigs
Title: The Case of the Green Pigs.
Author: jennelldhalrbj
Characters: Sherlock Holmes, John Watson, Jack Harkness, Ianto Jones, Anderson, Sally Donovan, Gregory Lestrade, Toshiko Sato, Owen Harper, Gwen Cooper. Plus others invented by me.
Genre: AU. Crack.
Rating: R
Word Count: 3934 or 22.1KB
Disclaimer: I do not own Sherlock or Torchwood. I am just borrowing the Characters.
AN: This is an AU set in the near future. It is a Sherlock-Torchwood cross over with hints of Ghostbusters.
Warning: M/M sex, swearing, abuse of alien animals.
Part Two.
The pigs evidently ran about only at night so Team Torchwood and Team Holmes had some time to wait around before anything was likely to happen. Owen produced a pack of cards and they were all, with the exception of Sherlock and Anderson, playing poker when at around 10.30pm Mrs Absinthia Hammond came into the hall carrying a guitar. Just behind her was her enormous husband carrying a tin whistle.
"We thought we might entertain you while you're waiting for the pigs" said Absinthia cheerfully.
"We often play in Town" said Greaves.
"We're quite popular" Absinthia added "and we write all our own material."
They then proceeded to make the most atrocious noises imaginable. Absinthia livened things up by singing to her guitar and Greaves accompanied her singing by banging his tin whistle rhythmically against his wife's bald head. Greaves then played his whistle while Absinthia danced what she said was a hornpipe. It was frightening. They played for around an hour and then said they were going to bed. As they left, the hall resounded with cheers and claps of relief.
"Thank God that's over" said Owen loudly, as soon as the Hammonds were out of sight "I thought my cousin Jim singing "I was born under a wandering star" in Russian was bad, but that was in a class of its own."
"My Uncle Henry can play the spoons" said Gwen.
"My Aunt Jane can play tunes with her elbow" said Ianto.
"I knew a man once who could fart the French National Anthem" Jack informed them all seriously.
"I think you can play tunes with your armpit if you practice" said Sally.
"I knew a man in Afghanistan who could play tunes with his left knee" John added.
"SHUT UP THE LOT OF YOU" Sherlock shouted "I've never heard such utter rubbish in my entire life. It's got nothing to do with catching these pigs, has it? I don't believe you can play a tune with your elbow or your knee either, unless you're deformed."
"I think it's possible to play tunes with almost anything, actually" said John "I can remember seeing someone on TV once who could play God Save the Queen by tapping a pencil on his teeth."
"I think I saw that" Tosh told him "and they had a man on who could play Loch Lomond by banging his feet on his thighs."
"I think it's the sweat that does it" Greg told Sherlock "if you sweat a lot you can probably do it. My Father had very sweaty knees and-----"
"Can you have sweaty knees?" asked Gwen.
"You can have sweaty anything" said Ianto "Jack, for example, has sweaty feet."
"I do not have sweaty feet" snapped Jack "I have great feet. Fantastic feet."
"Sweaty feet" added Ianto, grinning.
"They're large, but not sweaty" said Jack.
"Sherlock has large feet too" John informed everyone "but they aren't sweaty, more freezing cold."
"SHUT UP" shouted Sherlock, interrupting all the talk of sweat and feet "I can hear bleating and grunting."
True enough, the unmistakeable sound of Pigs grunting and bleating was getting louder and louder and suddenly the door at the far end of the Great Hall opened and they all saw six gigantic green pigs run through it. They rushed across the hall, skidded in the ghost tracking powder and slid in a heap across the floor, all bleating and grunting madly. They came to rest in a heap right next to Torchwood's Laser blaster. The green grid lit up and the affixed camera started filming everything very efficiently. Jack grabbed up his ghost eliminator gun and fired it at the heap of pigs. The gun shot out a gush of pink foam which covered all the pigs and all the humans. The pigs reaction to this was to struggle upright again and run out of the nearest door, which happened to lead to a corridor. Everyone ran after them. They could hear them quite clearly but they had suddenly become invisible and only the tracking powder told where they were.
"That was a disaster" Sherlock complained, as they all trecked back into the hall, brushing foam off their clothing.
"I don't understand why the gun didn't work" said Jack "it's never failed before."
"You must have missed them somehow" said Sherlock.
"I didn't miss them" Jack shouted "you should have shot. Maybe you'd have got them, since you're so perfect an' all."
"I didn't think it was necessary" said Sherlock stiffly.
"There wasn't enough foam in one shot" Jack scowled "we all should have shot together."
"I can still hear them" said Tosh "let's take the guns and go after them."
"Bring the powder too" Jack told them all "we have to know where to fire."
They all followed the sound of running pigs feet and bleating and grunting, John, Owen and Anderson tossing the ghost tracking powder everywhere they went. They followed the pigs outside the house and into a small building which Sherlock informed them was a cart shed. There were no carts in there but they did, as their eyes got used to the darkness in the shed, see six green alien pigs eating what appeared to be turnips.
"Good" said Sherlock "they're visible again."
"They're eating" said Tosh, quietly "how can they be eating when they're dead?"
"Anything's possible with aliens" said Jack "I once had sex with a man who had ten legs and tentacles and-----."
"Never mind all that rubbish" Sherlock snapped impatiently "let's just shoot them."
"I don't think it's right to shoot something when it's eating" said Gwen.
"Neither do I" said Sally.
"Perhaps the turnips are ghosts too" laughed Owen.
"I hate turnips" said Anderson.
"They've already been killed" John pointed out "so we wont be killing them. We'll just be sending them to wherever alien pigs go when they die."
"Oh for fucks sake" Sherlock moaned. He aimed his gun and shot foam all over the eating pigs. One of them promptly made a loud whistling noise and collapsed in a heap on the floor of the shed. The other pigs stopped eating and made a joint rush at the door of the shed, which was, at that moment, occupied by Anderson holding a bag of powder. The pigs ran at him, knocked him to the ground, ran over him and escaped. The sixth pig was still lying on the shed floor, but it was slowly dissolving into a heap of evil smelling green sludge much to everyones relief. Anderson got up, unhurt, but moaning loudly.
"They ran over me" he complained "and none of you did anything. You all just stood there and watched."
"You aren't hurt" said Sherlock "so stop whining."
"I could have been killed" said Anderson.
"He could have been killed" Sally repeated.
"You can't be killed by the ghost of an alien pig" said Jack "believe me, I know."
"It wasn't just one though" Anderson muttered, angrily.
"It doesn't matter how many there are" Jack said "to kill you they'd have to imbibe your spirit or something and that takes ages."
"Never mind all that" Sherlock shouted "Let's get the others." He looked flushed with excitement. John followed him out of the shed. Sherlock was at his best when on the chase, he thought. The others trailed somewhat reluctantly behind. Gwen and Sally were still saying that it wasn't right to kill something that was eating, and Anderson was still saying he could have been killed, but they followed Sherlock anyhow.
The pigs ran back into the house through a side door. They ran right through the shut door which proved to be, rather inconveniently, locked. "I'll go and get a key off the Hammonds" said Jack "I wont be a moment."
"Let's just kick it in" said Owen.
Sherlock went to the door and, producing a set of keys from one pocket, unlocked the door. "No need" he announced smugly. They found the pigs in the large basement kitchen. They were making so much noise running about and bleating and grunting and snorting that Owen declared they could probably hear them in London. Jack, Sherlock and John got as near to the pigs as they thought they could without making them run again and fired their foam. The pigs were duly covered in foam. They stood, snorting and grunting, foam dripping all over the kitchen floor. Then two of the pigs whistled loudly and fell down. "Got you" said Sherlock, as the pigs started to dissolve.
"Oh that smell" Tosh complained "it's like hundreds of rotten eggs."
"The delicate aroma of dead pigs" said Owen.
The three remaining pigs jumped, surprisingly nimbly, over their fallen comrades and ran out of the kitchen followed by ten irritated humans. They ran up the basement stairs and ran out of the house."Why don't the damn things stay in one place?" Owen complained.
"We're trying to kill them" said Gwen "that's why."
"We can't kill them" Anderson snapped "they're already dead. You can't die more than once, can you?"
"You'd be surprised" Jack muttered.
The three pigs, including, amazingly, the one with only five legs, started running toward the ha-ha. As they ran they abruptly became invisible again. "They're heading for the ha-ha" Sherlock shouted "cut them off some of you. They'll disappear until tomorrow if we don't get them now."
"Why are you giving orders?" Jack complained "I'm in charge. I'm the oldest."
"I think I might be the oldest" said Greg.
"It doesn't matter who the oldest is, does it?" asked Ianto.
"The wisdom of age must count for something" Greg remarked.
Sherlock ignored them. "Get in front of the ha-ha and fire at them" he shouted, starting to run again.
Owen, Tosh, Greg, John, and Anderson stood in front of the ha-ha. Gwen, Sally, Jack, Ianto and Sherlock faced them from a distance of about 15 feet. The sound of running pigs feet sounded right by them and they stood aside for a moment and heard the feet run past. "Fire" shouted Jack and Sherlock together. Masses of foam flew up in the air and the pigs became visible. Foam covered, they lay panting just in front of Owen and the others, who were also covered in the foam of course. Within moments two of the pigs started to turn into the familiar green sludge. The five legged pig just stood there beside its fallen comrades. Then it bleated loudly and jumped off the ha-ha.
"God" said Owen, holding his nose "what a stink."
"We have to clean all that up" said Sherlock "and the sludge in the shed too."
"We have the technology" Jack remarked cheerfully. He flashed his teeth at them all. He was very proud of his teeth.
"There's still one left" said Gwen. It'll come back tomorrow."
"Oh fuck" said Owen, scowling.
"We'll stay until tomorrow and then we'll get it" Jack told them "it wont stand a chance."
"Poor little thing" said Tosh "it's only got five legs."
"It's not a poor little thing" Owen snapped at her "it's huge and it's ALREADY DEAD."
"Don't you talk to her like that" said Sally "she's just sensitive."
"We have to get rid of it" Jack told them "that's what we're being paid for. Now let's get the stuff and clean up all the sludge and then we can go to bed."
There was a lot of groaning at that but they cleaned up the sludge anyhow. All of them. Then they all went to bed.
********
The bed situation was not actually ideal. The castle had many rooms but most of them were empty. There were a limited number of bedrooms. That was why Sally was in a cupboard and Greg and Anderson were sharing a room and a bed. Sherlock and John and Jack and Ianto were also sharing rooms with only one bed in each room, but they didn't mind. Owen found himself sleeping in the attic which was very cold. However he did have a bed all to himself. Gwen and Tosh were in a small room with two single beds, which was a great relief to them both as they had shared a room and a bed once before, when they had discovered that Gwen kicked in her sleep and Tosh shouted in Japanese.
Anderson was particularly unhappy about sharing his bed. He gave Greg a long list of what not to do when in bed. Greg nodded and promptly forgot everything the moment he got under the covers. They both fell asleep very quickly and almost right away gravitated toward each other until they were cuddled together. It was as well they were fast asleep at the time. Sally lay awake for ages and then fell asleep and dreamed she was being suffocated. Tosh fell asleep very quickly and kept Gwen awake for ages shouting out Japanese poetry. Owen, in his attic, amused himself for a while by watching a mouse going in and out of a hole. He thought of killing it but fell asleep before he got around to it, which was lucky for the mouse.
Jack and Ianto had an en suit bathroom in their room. Jack took a quick shower while Ianto turned the bed covers down, undressed and tidied up his own and Jack's discarded clothing. When Ianto had finished his, slightly more leisurely, shower he found Jack lying on the bed on a towel. He was already hard and as Ianto walked toward him his cock gave a jump and then jumped again.
"He's saying hi" said Jack, grinning.
Ianto didn't answer. He climbed onto the bed and kissed Jack hard. He moved down his body, kissing and sucking and biting. Jack groaned. He liked Ianto when he was in one of his I'm in control moods. He found it very exciting.
In the very next room, Sherlock and John sat side by side in bed, silently listening to Jack and Ianto. "They were very noisy" said John at last, as the noise from next door finally ceased.
"You're noisy sometimes too" said Sherlock.
"Not as noisy as that" John told him.
"It's given me some ideas" said Sherlock.
"Not tonight" John sighed "the walls seem to be thin here and they'll hear everything."
"I don't care" said Sherlock.
"No" John said, sighing "but I do."
Sherlock pouted and lay down in the bed. "I wont get any sleep now" he complained "I'm frustrated."
"Join the club" John answered "maybe they'll get up early and we'll have a half hour to spare and then maybe we could--------" he paused because Sherlock had his eyes shut and didn't appear to be listening. "Sherlock?" John muttered, crossly "are you listening to me?" His only answer was a loud snore. "So much for insomnia" John snapped, as he lay down and shut his own eyes "now I probably wont sleep." Five minutes later he was in dreamland where Sherlock had suddenly sprouted wings and was flying over a herd of green pigs, shooting them with a bazooka. It was quite arousing, in a weird way. Must try that, John thought aimlessly in his dream. Looks like fun. He and Sherlock rolled together in their sleep and spent a peaceful night wrapped in each others arms.
********
The next morning the two Teams had breakfast together in a large room that Absinthia called the Breakfast nook, although it was far to large to be a nook. On a long sideboard lay a row of dishes on hot plates. As everyone sat eating and drinking inevitably the conversation strayed to the night before. Anderson had awoken with Lestrade's morning hard on pressed against his back. This had put him in a seriously bad mood, which had worsened when Greg had suggested they fuck as it was too early for breakfast.
Jack told everyone that he and Ianto had had a peaceful night and Sherlock promptly said that he had been kept awake by their antics and John then said Sherlock's snoring had kept him awake for hours resulting in Sherlock saying he didn't snore. Then Gwen complained that Tosh shouted gibberish in her sleep, Sally said she had had nightmares about dying for lack of air and Owen said he had been awakened by a mouse sitting on his face cleaning itself, which was true. John then tried to get Sherlock to eat something and Sherlock said he was full, although he had only had a cup of coffee and one piece of bacon. Anderson screamed that if Greg went near him again there would be bloodshed and Greg said it wouldn't be his blood. Tosh said she didn't ever shout gibberish and Gwen said it sounded like gibberish. Ianto and Jack then got up and went back to their room leaving everyone else glowering.
At this inopportune moment Greaves came in saying that he and Absinthia had arranged a Treasure Hunt in the grounds for them. He said he expected them all to participate, so Owen went upstairs to tell Jack and Ianto and found them naked in a bath together. They were not pleased to be disturbed.
After several more arguments they all assembled outside in pairs and were given a list of clues by Greaves. Anderson said he wasn't going to work with Greg, so Sally and Greg were paired and Anderson found himself with Owen, which didn't please him either.
After they had all separated John read the first clue aloud to Sherlock. "Go to the O and turn right for ten " he read "then find Patch."
"Not even good English" Sherlock moaned "it should say the patch."
"It's a name" said John "it's capitalized."
"It's probably an error" Sherlock said loftily "after all these people are called Greaves and Absinthia. They don't come from sensible families."
"So what" John snapped, irritated "you're called Sherlock and your brother is Mycroft. What's sensible about that?"
"I'd rather be called Sherlock than Absinthia" said Sherlock, pouting "where did they get that from I wonder? Unless it's from Absinthe, which is an anise-flavoured spirit derived from herbs, including the flowers and leaves of the herb Artemisia absinthium, commonly referred to as "grande wormwood"."
John looked pained. "Please leave your dictionary out of this, Sherlock" he said firmly "I know what Absinthe is." "Perhaps her parents were French alcoholics" he added.
Sherlock looked surprised for a moment and then he started to laugh. "The O probably stands for Orangery" he said "simple, but they are simple, aren't they?"
"Let's find the Orangery then" John suggested. They started to walk across the green at the back of the house and within moments saw a glass roofed building in the distance. Everyone else on the Hunt seemed to be heading for it. Sherlock began to run. John followed him. So did everyone else. It seemed the Hunt was going to be too easy.
Three hours, and ten clues later Sherlock and John finally reached the end of the Hunt and found the Treasure buried in a hole just beside a very large purple Hebe. It was an envelope containing €2000. No-one else was in sight having been lead astray by Sherlock telling them all that "dig beside the Maple" meant they had to dig behind the Maple or at the front, when he and John had already found the clue in question at the left hand side and had then left it six feet up the tree tucked into a branch. This was, of course, Sherlock's idea, but John had to admit to himself that watching everyone struggling and digging and arguing was great fun as long as they kept out of sight.
Once they had all straggled back to the house, Sherlock kindly showed them the money. There was some shouting and swearing at that but it was interrupted, luckily for Sherlock and John's health, by the luncheon gong. Lunch was, predictably, Pork sandwiches.
After lunch, Absinthia played the piano and encouraged everyone to sing. This made Sherlock ill and he had to go and lie down in a darkened room to recover. John lay down with him. He told everyone that Sherlock needed soothing. He carefully didn't mentioned cock sucking which he had discovered some time ago was a very good way of soothing Sherlock, and he himself found it quite soothing as well. He didn't mention that either.
Dinner was pork chops. Owen said if he saw another piece of pork he would go insane. He ate everything though. All in all there was a distinct lack of enthusiasm about the pork chops. They mostly struggled through them though. Even Sherlock ate half a chop. It was that kind of meal. For dessert they had plum pudding. It was quite stodgy but to everyone's amazement Sherlock loved it and ate three helpings, saying it was just like he had had at home as a small boy.
Finally, after several hours of card games, they got ready to welcome the final pig and send it to wherever pigs went when they died. They assembled in the Hall and waited and waited and waited, and finally, when both Sally and Anderson had fallen asleep in their chairs, the now familiar sound of limping pig was heard approaching. Everyone except Sally and Anderson, who both went on sleeping, stood up and looked at the door of the hall. Sure enough, the pig, snorting and bleating, lumbered clumsily through the wall and stood, panting slightly, its eyes wild, glaring at its human opponents.
Jack and Sherlock raised their guns and the next moment the pig was covered in pink foam. It gave a loud whistle of anguish and fell down in a heap on the hall floor. Within moments all that was left was the usual pile of green, evil smelling sludge. "Well" Jack announced, as they all held their noses "that's that then." Everyone except Sally, Anderson and Sherlock applauded that remark. Jack grinned, making sure they all got a good look at his ultra sparkling teeth.
So that was the end of the Case of the Green Pigs, as John insisted on calling it in his Blog. Anderson was irritated that he missed the last pig being zapped and Sherlock said his team could have managed easily on their own, but all in all, it was declared to be a successful enterprise and Jack, for one, said he had thoroughly enjoyed every moment of it, even eating all that green pork.
When John and Sherlock arrived home the following day, somewhat richer, but tired, Mrs Hudson met them at the door. "I thought you'd be hungry when you got home" she said "so I've cooked you some lovely supper. You owe me but you can pay tomorrow first thing in the morning. It's in the microwave. You just need to heat it up. It's already cooked."
"Thank you, Mrs Hudson" said John politely "what exactly is it you've made for us by the way?"
"Oh" said Mrs Hudson "it's my own special recipe. Pork stew."
THE END.
Author: jennelldhalrbj
Characters: Sherlock Holmes, John Watson, Jack Harkness, Ianto Jones, Anderson, Sally Donovan, Gregory Lestrade, Toshiko Sato, Owen Harper, Gwen Cooper. Plus others invented by me.
Genre: AU. Crack.
Rating: R
Word Count: 3934 or 22.1KB
Disclaimer: I do not own Sherlock or Torchwood. I am just borrowing the Characters.
AN: This is an AU set in the near future. It is a Sherlock-Torchwood cross over with hints of Ghostbusters.
Warning: M/M sex, swearing, abuse of alien animals.
Part Two.
The pigs evidently ran about only at night so Team Torchwood and Team Holmes had some time to wait around before anything was likely to happen. Owen produced a pack of cards and they were all, with the exception of Sherlock and Anderson, playing poker when at around 10.30pm Mrs Absinthia Hammond came into the hall carrying a guitar. Just behind her was her enormous husband carrying a tin whistle.
"We thought we might entertain you while you're waiting for the pigs" said Absinthia cheerfully.
"We often play in Town" said Greaves.
"We're quite popular" Absinthia added "and we write all our own material."
They then proceeded to make the most atrocious noises imaginable. Absinthia livened things up by singing to her guitar and Greaves accompanied her singing by banging his tin whistle rhythmically against his wife's bald head. Greaves then played his whistle while Absinthia danced what she said was a hornpipe. It was frightening. They played for around an hour and then said they were going to bed. As they left, the hall resounded with cheers and claps of relief.
"Thank God that's over" said Owen loudly, as soon as the Hammonds were out of sight "I thought my cousin Jim singing "I was born under a wandering star" in Russian was bad, but that was in a class of its own."
"My Uncle Henry can play the spoons" said Gwen.
"My Aunt Jane can play tunes with her elbow" said Ianto.
"I knew a man once who could fart the French National Anthem" Jack informed them all seriously.
"I think you can play tunes with your armpit if you practice" said Sally.
"I knew a man in Afghanistan who could play tunes with his left knee" John added.
"SHUT UP THE LOT OF YOU" Sherlock shouted "I've never heard such utter rubbish in my entire life. It's got nothing to do with catching these pigs, has it? I don't believe you can play a tune with your elbow or your knee either, unless you're deformed."
"I think it's possible to play tunes with almost anything, actually" said John "I can remember seeing someone on TV once who could play God Save the Queen by tapping a pencil on his teeth."
"I think I saw that" Tosh told him "and they had a man on who could play Loch Lomond by banging his feet on his thighs."
"I think it's the sweat that does it" Greg told Sherlock "if you sweat a lot you can probably do it. My Father had very sweaty knees and-----"
"Can you have sweaty knees?" asked Gwen.
"You can have sweaty anything" said Ianto "Jack, for example, has sweaty feet."
"I do not have sweaty feet" snapped Jack "I have great feet. Fantastic feet."
"Sweaty feet" added Ianto, grinning.
"They're large, but not sweaty" said Jack.
"Sherlock has large feet too" John informed everyone "but they aren't sweaty, more freezing cold."
"SHUT UP" shouted Sherlock, interrupting all the talk of sweat and feet "I can hear bleating and grunting."
True enough, the unmistakeable sound of Pigs grunting and bleating was getting louder and louder and suddenly the door at the far end of the Great Hall opened and they all saw six gigantic green pigs run through it. They rushed across the hall, skidded in the ghost tracking powder and slid in a heap across the floor, all bleating and grunting madly. They came to rest in a heap right next to Torchwood's Laser blaster. The green grid lit up and the affixed camera started filming everything very efficiently. Jack grabbed up his ghost eliminator gun and fired it at the heap of pigs. The gun shot out a gush of pink foam which covered all the pigs and all the humans. The pigs reaction to this was to struggle upright again and run out of the nearest door, which happened to lead to a corridor. Everyone ran after them. They could hear them quite clearly but they had suddenly become invisible and only the tracking powder told where they were.
"That was a disaster" Sherlock complained, as they all trecked back into the hall, brushing foam off their clothing.
"I don't understand why the gun didn't work" said Jack "it's never failed before."
"You must have missed them somehow" said Sherlock.
"I didn't miss them" Jack shouted "you should have shot. Maybe you'd have got them, since you're so perfect an' all."
"I didn't think it was necessary" said Sherlock stiffly.
"There wasn't enough foam in one shot" Jack scowled "we all should have shot together."
"I can still hear them" said Tosh "let's take the guns and go after them."
"Bring the powder too" Jack told them all "we have to know where to fire."
They all followed the sound of running pigs feet and bleating and grunting, John, Owen and Anderson tossing the ghost tracking powder everywhere they went. They followed the pigs outside the house and into a small building which Sherlock informed them was a cart shed. There were no carts in there but they did, as their eyes got used to the darkness in the shed, see six green alien pigs eating what appeared to be turnips.
"Good" said Sherlock "they're visible again."
"They're eating" said Tosh, quietly "how can they be eating when they're dead?"
"Anything's possible with aliens" said Jack "I once had sex with a man who had ten legs and tentacles and-----."
"Never mind all that rubbish" Sherlock snapped impatiently "let's just shoot them."
"I don't think it's right to shoot something when it's eating" said Gwen.
"Neither do I" said Sally.
"Perhaps the turnips are ghosts too" laughed Owen.
"I hate turnips" said Anderson.
"They've already been killed" John pointed out "so we wont be killing them. We'll just be sending them to wherever alien pigs go when they die."
"Oh for fucks sake" Sherlock moaned. He aimed his gun and shot foam all over the eating pigs. One of them promptly made a loud whistling noise and collapsed in a heap on the floor of the shed. The other pigs stopped eating and made a joint rush at the door of the shed, which was, at that moment, occupied by Anderson holding a bag of powder. The pigs ran at him, knocked him to the ground, ran over him and escaped. The sixth pig was still lying on the shed floor, but it was slowly dissolving into a heap of evil smelling green sludge much to everyones relief. Anderson got up, unhurt, but moaning loudly.
"They ran over me" he complained "and none of you did anything. You all just stood there and watched."
"You aren't hurt" said Sherlock "so stop whining."
"I could have been killed" said Anderson.
"He could have been killed" Sally repeated.
"You can't be killed by the ghost of an alien pig" said Jack "believe me, I know."
"It wasn't just one though" Anderson muttered, angrily.
"It doesn't matter how many there are" Jack said "to kill you they'd have to imbibe your spirit or something and that takes ages."
"Never mind all that" Sherlock shouted "Let's get the others." He looked flushed with excitement. John followed him out of the shed. Sherlock was at his best when on the chase, he thought. The others trailed somewhat reluctantly behind. Gwen and Sally were still saying that it wasn't right to kill something that was eating, and Anderson was still saying he could have been killed, but they followed Sherlock anyhow.
The pigs ran back into the house through a side door. They ran right through the shut door which proved to be, rather inconveniently, locked. "I'll go and get a key off the Hammonds" said Jack "I wont be a moment."
"Let's just kick it in" said Owen.
Sherlock went to the door and, producing a set of keys from one pocket, unlocked the door. "No need" he announced smugly. They found the pigs in the large basement kitchen. They were making so much noise running about and bleating and grunting and snorting that Owen declared they could probably hear them in London. Jack, Sherlock and John got as near to the pigs as they thought they could without making them run again and fired their foam. The pigs were duly covered in foam. They stood, snorting and grunting, foam dripping all over the kitchen floor. Then two of the pigs whistled loudly and fell down. "Got you" said Sherlock, as the pigs started to dissolve.
"Oh that smell" Tosh complained "it's like hundreds of rotten eggs."
"The delicate aroma of dead pigs" said Owen.
The three remaining pigs jumped, surprisingly nimbly, over their fallen comrades and ran out of the kitchen followed by ten irritated humans. They ran up the basement stairs and ran out of the house."Why don't the damn things stay in one place?" Owen complained.
"We're trying to kill them" said Gwen "that's why."
"We can't kill them" Anderson snapped "they're already dead. You can't die more than once, can you?"
"You'd be surprised" Jack muttered.
The three pigs, including, amazingly, the one with only five legs, started running toward the ha-ha. As they ran they abruptly became invisible again. "They're heading for the ha-ha" Sherlock shouted "cut them off some of you. They'll disappear until tomorrow if we don't get them now."
"Why are you giving orders?" Jack complained "I'm in charge. I'm the oldest."
"I think I might be the oldest" said Greg.
"It doesn't matter who the oldest is, does it?" asked Ianto.
"The wisdom of age must count for something" Greg remarked.
Sherlock ignored them. "Get in front of the ha-ha and fire at them" he shouted, starting to run again.
Owen, Tosh, Greg, John, and Anderson stood in front of the ha-ha. Gwen, Sally, Jack, Ianto and Sherlock faced them from a distance of about 15 feet. The sound of running pigs feet sounded right by them and they stood aside for a moment and heard the feet run past. "Fire" shouted Jack and Sherlock together. Masses of foam flew up in the air and the pigs became visible. Foam covered, they lay panting just in front of Owen and the others, who were also covered in the foam of course. Within moments two of the pigs started to turn into the familiar green sludge. The five legged pig just stood there beside its fallen comrades. Then it bleated loudly and jumped off the ha-ha.
"God" said Owen, holding his nose "what a stink."
"We have to clean all that up" said Sherlock "and the sludge in the shed too."
"We have the technology" Jack remarked cheerfully. He flashed his teeth at them all. He was very proud of his teeth.
"There's still one left" said Gwen. It'll come back tomorrow."
"Oh fuck" said Owen, scowling.
"We'll stay until tomorrow and then we'll get it" Jack told them "it wont stand a chance."
"Poor little thing" said Tosh "it's only got five legs."
"It's not a poor little thing" Owen snapped at her "it's huge and it's ALREADY DEAD."
"Don't you talk to her like that" said Sally "she's just sensitive."
"We have to get rid of it" Jack told them "that's what we're being paid for. Now let's get the stuff and clean up all the sludge and then we can go to bed."
There was a lot of groaning at that but they cleaned up the sludge anyhow. All of them. Then they all went to bed.
********
The bed situation was not actually ideal. The castle had many rooms but most of them were empty. There were a limited number of bedrooms. That was why Sally was in a cupboard and Greg and Anderson were sharing a room and a bed. Sherlock and John and Jack and Ianto were also sharing rooms with only one bed in each room, but they didn't mind. Owen found himself sleeping in the attic which was very cold. However he did have a bed all to himself. Gwen and Tosh were in a small room with two single beds, which was a great relief to them both as they had shared a room and a bed once before, when they had discovered that Gwen kicked in her sleep and Tosh shouted in Japanese.
Anderson was particularly unhappy about sharing his bed. He gave Greg a long list of what not to do when in bed. Greg nodded and promptly forgot everything the moment he got under the covers. They both fell asleep very quickly and almost right away gravitated toward each other until they were cuddled together. It was as well they were fast asleep at the time. Sally lay awake for ages and then fell asleep and dreamed she was being suffocated. Tosh fell asleep very quickly and kept Gwen awake for ages shouting out Japanese poetry. Owen, in his attic, amused himself for a while by watching a mouse going in and out of a hole. He thought of killing it but fell asleep before he got around to it, which was lucky for the mouse.
Jack and Ianto had an en suit bathroom in their room. Jack took a quick shower while Ianto turned the bed covers down, undressed and tidied up his own and Jack's discarded clothing. When Ianto had finished his, slightly more leisurely, shower he found Jack lying on the bed on a towel. He was already hard and as Ianto walked toward him his cock gave a jump and then jumped again.
"He's saying hi" said Jack, grinning.
Ianto didn't answer. He climbed onto the bed and kissed Jack hard. He moved down his body, kissing and sucking and biting. Jack groaned. He liked Ianto when he was in one of his I'm in control moods. He found it very exciting.
In the very next room, Sherlock and John sat side by side in bed, silently listening to Jack and Ianto. "They were very noisy" said John at last, as the noise from next door finally ceased.
"You're noisy sometimes too" said Sherlock.
"Not as noisy as that" John told him.
"It's given me some ideas" said Sherlock.
"Not tonight" John sighed "the walls seem to be thin here and they'll hear everything."
"I don't care" said Sherlock.
"No" John said, sighing "but I do."
Sherlock pouted and lay down in the bed. "I wont get any sleep now" he complained "I'm frustrated."
"Join the club" John answered "maybe they'll get up early and we'll have a half hour to spare and then maybe we could--------" he paused because Sherlock had his eyes shut and didn't appear to be listening. "Sherlock?" John muttered, crossly "are you listening to me?" His only answer was a loud snore. "So much for insomnia" John snapped, as he lay down and shut his own eyes "now I probably wont sleep." Five minutes later he was in dreamland where Sherlock had suddenly sprouted wings and was flying over a herd of green pigs, shooting them with a bazooka. It was quite arousing, in a weird way. Must try that, John thought aimlessly in his dream. Looks like fun. He and Sherlock rolled together in their sleep and spent a peaceful night wrapped in each others arms.
********
The next morning the two Teams had breakfast together in a large room that Absinthia called the Breakfast nook, although it was far to large to be a nook. On a long sideboard lay a row of dishes on hot plates. As everyone sat eating and drinking inevitably the conversation strayed to the night before. Anderson had awoken with Lestrade's morning hard on pressed against his back. This had put him in a seriously bad mood, which had worsened when Greg had suggested they fuck as it was too early for breakfast.
Jack told everyone that he and Ianto had had a peaceful night and Sherlock promptly said that he had been kept awake by their antics and John then said Sherlock's snoring had kept him awake for hours resulting in Sherlock saying he didn't snore. Then Gwen complained that Tosh shouted gibberish in her sleep, Sally said she had had nightmares about dying for lack of air and Owen said he had been awakened by a mouse sitting on his face cleaning itself, which was true. John then tried to get Sherlock to eat something and Sherlock said he was full, although he had only had a cup of coffee and one piece of bacon. Anderson screamed that if Greg went near him again there would be bloodshed and Greg said it wouldn't be his blood. Tosh said she didn't ever shout gibberish and Gwen said it sounded like gibberish. Ianto and Jack then got up and went back to their room leaving everyone else glowering.
At this inopportune moment Greaves came in saying that he and Absinthia had arranged a Treasure Hunt in the grounds for them. He said he expected them all to participate, so Owen went upstairs to tell Jack and Ianto and found them naked in a bath together. They were not pleased to be disturbed.
After several more arguments they all assembled outside in pairs and were given a list of clues by Greaves. Anderson said he wasn't going to work with Greg, so Sally and Greg were paired and Anderson found himself with Owen, which didn't please him either.
After they had all separated John read the first clue aloud to Sherlock. "Go to the O and turn right for ten " he read "then find Patch."
"Not even good English" Sherlock moaned "it should say the patch."
"It's a name" said John "it's capitalized."
"It's probably an error" Sherlock said loftily "after all these people are called Greaves and Absinthia. They don't come from sensible families."
"So what" John snapped, irritated "you're called Sherlock and your brother is Mycroft. What's sensible about that?"
"I'd rather be called Sherlock than Absinthia" said Sherlock, pouting "where did they get that from I wonder? Unless it's from Absinthe, which is an anise-flavoured spirit derived from herbs, including the flowers and leaves of the herb Artemisia absinthium, commonly referred to as "grande wormwood"."
John looked pained. "Please leave your dictionary out of this, Sherlock" he said firmly "I know what Absinthe is." "Perhaps her parents were French alcoholics" he added.
Sherlock looked surprised for a moment and then he started to laugh. "The O probably stands for Orangery" he said "simple, but they are simple, aren't they?"
"Let's find the Orangery then" John suggested. They started to walk across the green at the back of the house and within moments saw a glass roofed building in the distance. Everyone else on the Hunt seemed to be heading for it. Sherlock began to run. John followed him. So did everyone else. It seemed the Hunt was going to be too easy.
Three hours, and ten clues later Sherlock and John finally reached the end of the Hunt and found the Treasure buried in a hole just beside a very large purple Hebe. It was an envelope containing €2000. No-one else was in sight having been lead astray by Sherlock telling them all that "dig beside the Maple" meant they had to dig behind the Maple or at the front, when he and John had already found the clue in question at the left hand side and had then left it six feet up the tree tucked into a branch. This was, of course, Sherlock's idea, but John had to admit to himself that watching everyone struggling and digging and arguing was great fun as long as they kept out of sight.
Once they had all straggled back to the house, Sherlock kindly showed them the money. There was some shouting and swearing at that but it was interrupted, luckily for Sherlock and John's health, by the luncheon gong. Lunch was, predictably, Pork sandwiches.
After lunch, Absinthia played the piano and encouraged everyone to sing. This made Sherlock ill and he had to go and lie down in a darkened room to recover. John lay down with him. He told everyone that Sherlock needed soothing. He carefully didn't mentioned cock sucking which he had discovered some time ago was a very good way of soothing Sherlock, and he himself found it quite soothing as well. He didn't mention that either.
Dinner was pork chops. Owen said if he saw another piece of pork he would go insane. He ate everything though. All in all there was a distinct lack of enthusiasm about the pork chops. They mostly struggled through them though. Even Sherlock ate half a chop. It was that kind of meal. For dessert they had plum pudding. It was quite stodgy but to everyone's amazement Sherlock loved it and ate three helpings, saying it was just like he had had at home as a small boy.
Finally, after several hours of card games, they got ready to welcome the final pig and send it to wherever pigs went when they died. They assembled in the Hall and waited and waited and waited, and finally, when both Sally and Anderson had fallen asleep in their chairs, the now familiar sound of limping pig was heard approaching. Everyone except Sally and Anderson, who both went on sleeping, stood up and looked at the door of the hall. Sure enough, the pig, snorting and bleating, lumbered clumsily through the wall and stood, panting slightly, its eyes wild, glaring at its human opponents.
Jack and Sherlock raised their guns and the next moment the pig was covered in pink foam. It gave a loud whistle of anguish and fell down in a heap on the hall floor. Within moments all that was left was the usual pile of green, evil smelling sludge. "Well" Jack announced, as they all held their noses "that's that then." Everyone except Sally, Anderson and Sherlock applauded that remark. Jack grinned, making sure they all got a good look at his ultra sparkling teeth.
So that was the end of the Case of the Green Pigs, as John insisted on calling it in his Blog. Anderson was irritated that he missed the last pig being zapped and Sherlock said his team could have managed easily on their own, but all in all, it was declared to be a successful enterprise and Jack, for one, said he had thoroughly enjoyed every moment of it, even eating all that green pork.
When John and Sherlock arrived home the following day, somewhat richer, but tired, Mrs Hudson met them at the door. "I thought you'd be hungry when you got home" she said "so I've cooked you some lovely supper. You owe me but you can pay tomorrow first thing in the morning. It's in the microwave. You just need to heat it up. It's already cooked."
"Thank you, Mrs Hudson" said John politely "what exactly is it you've made for us by the way?"
"Oh" said Mrs Hudson "it's my own special recipe. Pork stew."
THE END.