She Is My Sin
SHE IS MY SIN
Title: She Is My Sin
Rating: K +
Pairing: Chate (Charlie and Kate)
Note These aren’t my personal views on the characters. It’s just for an angsty effect.
So this was how it was going to be. Admiring from a far. Wanting her and needing her, but never having her. She was beautiful. Strong minded. Perfect. She was everything he wanted to be: strong, brave, adventurous, daring. Loving her was almost like a curse. She was such a caring person. Kind yet unafraid to speak her mind and argue what she was passionate about. His feelings for her were more powerful than he could have ever imagined. He respected her and loved her for who she was. And everyday when he would see her strolling down the beach, he would slowly get to his feet and follow her with his eyes, her splendour and beauty mesmerising him like she was some desirable distraction that he had an obsession with.
But it could never be. Not with her, no. People wouldn’t understand. She was his friend. Well on the way to being best friends but nothing more. How would people understand? That he felt this way towards his best friend? Was it natural to feel these feelings? To fantasise these things about you and someone you had only formed a friendship with? It was a strong bond. But how would she react herself? In her eyes, he was probably just some washed up junkie obsessed with the first person who showed him the slightest bit of affection. No, she wouldn’t understand. Charlie hardly comprehended it himself.
He and Kate were a beautiful fantasy and nothing more. He had ignored his heart from day one and disregarded what he felt whenever their hands accidentally brushed or she touched him for whatever reason. It was a dream. A crazy infatuation that would get him nowhere. It was bad enough he idolised her, he couldn’t act upon his feelings. What would happen to him then? He’d be rejected once more, swept to the side like all the other low life’s before him and then judged and mocked for ever thinking a girl like her would ever be interested in a guy like him. Then he would probably be avoided by her, as nice as she was Charlie wouldn’t blame her for wanting to evade a strange, neurotic, love sick weirdo who wanted to make her his world. He would do anything for her, if only she knew it. If only she realised what he was willing to do for her. Then maybe she would see him as worthy.
The jealousy and unfulfilled desire for her was worse than any heroin withdrawal. Whenever she spoke Sawyer’s name or walked with Jack along the beach his heart would crack within his chest and call out for her. But there would be no reply. He knew he would never match up to Jack or Sawyer. They were strong, courageous men who looked down on guys like Charlie. They could provide for Kate, take care of her properly and love her unconditionally. Charlie was no threat. They would at most laugh at him or intimidate him for so much as touching Kate. So Charlie was a friend. And always will be. He wasn’t bold enough to tell her his true feelings. And any thoughts of him ever being intimate with her were locked to the back of his mind. He was a joke. That’s why people wouldn’t understand it. He was an obsessive, needy, little man from Manchester and she was a strong, attractive Canadian beauty. Besides, he would only be making her feel awkward and uncomfortable. And then their friendship would be destroyed and that would be the worst thing.
Ever since he, Kate and Jack had gone on that hike together his eyes were glued to the woman, her precious figure screamed to be held in affectionate arms. And even though he felt an immediate attraction for her, he tried to act as if he were oblivious to his feelings. They had only just met, what kind of crazy person would she think of him? She only made things worse when she turned and claimed to have heard of Drive Shaft. It was like fate was pulling them together only for him to feel too worthless to for fill his own destiny.
When she was scared, he wanted nothing more than to grab her soft hands and tell her everything was alright even if he felt as terrified as her. As the rain poured the first whole day of the crash, he noticed her trembling and felt the urge to reach out and grab her. He offered her his jacket but she politely declined stating he would catch his death of cold. As she and Jack bonded in front of him he sensed he was becoming less and less important and the feeling became unbearable. As soon as they reached the cockpit, he remembered the drugs he had left in the lavatory. The reason he had come on this trip He had taken them to ease his coming anxieties but heard Kate’s distinctive voice calling his name. He closed his eyes for a moment. He would die if she knew. Knew the truth, what he really was. So he had lied to her.
After the monster’s attack and his near death experience he had shakily ran for his life and then heard Kate screaming Jack’s name in panic. His heart beat fast and he searched for Kate anxiously, calling her name in return. But she didn’t hear him.
It had been a shock to run in to her, she let out a scream and they collapsed to the floor, shivering in the wet and cold. There was a small silence between them as Charlie had just blankly gazed in to her dark, shining eyes, too hypnotised to say a word, even to ask if she was okay. But she spoke for him, demanding where Jack was and what had happened. It was then Charlie realised this was how it was always going to be, he and Kate together lost in their own little moment and she would always be more concerned about that doctor, rather than him.
Charlie was used to being second best, he almost didn’t mind it. But in this case he wasn’t. He doubted he was even Kate’s third best. And that pained him more than anything. Kate would always think of him as a friend and nothing more. He had watched her with Jack and Sawyer countless times and he had not said a word. He probably never would. He would never be good enough for her anyway.
Spending time with her was like being with an Angel. She was his blissful beauty and she would never know it. The more time they spent together the more attached to her he began to feel. It was like she understood him and he understood her. They had talked several times about their lives and teased the other playfully but it was nothing that could ever be considered as flirting. There was a drawn line and Charlie knew not to cross it. As much as he wanted to. Kate would never see him in a romantic light anyway. He was hardly anything special. And he certainly wasn’t important enough for her to waste her time on. For now, it would be only dreams and fantasies. And he was fine with being the best bud, as long as he didn’t lose her altogether.
“Hey Charlie,” her voice appeared so suddenly he briefly thought he was imagining it. But he spun around and saw her gracefully walking over to him with an irresistible smile, her curly hair bouncing lightly on her shoulders and her eyes twinkling in the moonlight. He jumped up immediately, quickly running a hand through his hair and dusting himself off nervously, “Oh, hey,” he replied, flustered and smiling back at her, “What’s up?”
Her smile faded and so did his, “Well, it’s just I’ve felt like we haven’t spent enough time together lately.”
Charlie swallowed but nodded in agreement. It was true, he had probably been sat alone pining over her rather than talking to her. But she looked concerned,
“We’re still friends, right?” she asked, her freckles danced on her small nose as she spoke.
Charlie’s heart stopped at her very words. Friends. He softened. Of course. Little did she know what was going on in that tangled head of his. She awaited a reply, beginning to seem more troubled as he hesitated his answer.
Then he smiled, gazing at her as their eyes locked together,
“Friends. Course we are.”
The End