JE-united surprise fic for arashianelf Part 16/17
Back to Chapter 5 - Part 3
CHAPTER 6 - Last Chapter
- - + SAKURAI SHO + - -
It's been a few weeks since Sho and Kazu got together and they are still on cloud 9. Ever since Kazu came back to Sho's apartment, they have been together most of the time, and they love spending time together, even if both of them are often just sitting in the same room, doing different stuff. Like when Sho prepares for his classes and Kazu does homework or works on the script for the theatre club's play. There is a mutual understanding for each other between them, that both need their time and nonetheless they always have some nice words for the time between, a few minutes to chat or time to prepare dinner together. Aiba uses to tease the two of them, calling them an old married couple and when Sho then jokingly circles his arm around Kazu's hips, making his boyfriend blush with some flirting attempts, Aiba retreats from the kitchen, leaving them their time and space, not willing to witness any lovey-dovey behaviour by his friends.
The theatre play's script Kazu and Ohno came up with is progressing very well. Sho can see how hard the two of them work during every single free period they can find at university, brainstorming, Ohno showing Kazu some stuff from his dream diaries, starting preparations for the stage setting and costumes, and whatnot. And he can see how hard Kazu is working on his own in the evenings, at night, refining dialogues and details over and over. His boyfriend is a perfectionist. Sho can totally understand why Sakamoto-sensei is such a big fan of Kazu. He's hard working but also talented and those two strengths combined let him create the most beautiful stories.
Kazu has been working for hours on a specific scene, wondering over and over how to create the most thrilling atmosphere. He's done some research on samurai, on ancient Japan, has talked to Sho about all that, seeking help and a second opinion on different stuff and Sho is happy that he can be of help, a little notch in the progress of his lover's play. It's fascinating to be around him, seeing him being passionate. Sho loves this about Kazu a lot. Like he loves everything about him.
Sho is still working on the preparation of a presentation he's to conduct in Sakamoto's next lecture about Murakami Haruki's work, when he suddenly hears a rustling noise, followed by a thunk from behind. He turns his head, just to see his boyfriend having passed out, sitting at the low table that he put up there for him and his laptop and papers. He must have fallen asleep over reviewing the play for the nth time, Sho assumes. He cannot help but smirk a little as he stands up from his desk and settles down beside the young student, seeing his arms slipped down from the table and his forehead resting on the wooden table. He reaches out to his boyfriend's shoulders, pulling him back slightly. Kazu's glasses almost slip from the young man's nose and Sho quickly reaches for them to put them onto the table.
"Hey, Kazu," he whispers into the student's ear. "It's time for bed, don't you think so?"
"Huhmm?" the younger reacts - somehow - he doesn't seem to be fast asleep yet but in a state between being awake and dreaming.
"Let me help you to bed," Sho continues and pats his boyfriend's shoulders to make him move.
The latter slightly opens his eyes, looking at the other through his half-opened lids and seems to try shaking his head, mumbling something about not having finished yet. Nevertheless, the young man automatically lets his arms curl around his boyfriend's neck when Sho pulls him slightly closer to drag him to his bed. Kazu doesn't even struggle, when Sho sits him onto the bed, pulls back the blanket and helps him to lie down before he pulls off his socks and tucks his sleeping shirt in place.
"Don't be silly, you've done enough for today. You can continue tomorrow," Sho smiles and leans down to place a kiss on Kazu's forehead.
The young student moans, complaining, but instead of complaining about being forced to stop working, Sho quickly finds out that his boyfriend is actually complaining about not receiving a proper good night kiss. Kazu tugs at his pyjamas and pulls him down to bring their lips close. The young man is already too tired for proper kissing, but the brush of their lips makes Sho feel nice and warm, and his heart skips a beat.
Sho is happy. He has never been as happy as now. He feels the love, the most prominent feeling invading his chest ever since he met the young man just a few weeks ago. He remembers the love that he felt for him hundreds of years ago and again he thinks about the miracle of having found each other again, this time in a surely better environment, with better chances for their love. He considers himself as really lucky. And as soon as they managed to bring Ohno and Matsumoto back together and Kazu to make up with his family, everything will be perfect.
The movement of Kazu's lips are small and fading, but they don't stop despite the young man's obvious tiredness. He moans slightly, this time satisfied and Sho's lips curl up into a smile, still touching the other's lips. He really enjoys all the little affections he receives from his boyfriend recently. Kazu is still shy, but since they made love to each other, he's much less shy than in the beginning and when he's seeking for closeness, he's just too adorable and cute. After kissing him good night properly, Sho brushes his hands lovingly over his boyfriend's cheek. Soon after, the younger seems to slip into dream world, for real.
Sho smiles lovingly, seeing Kazu's hand still clasping his pyjama shirt and he carefully loosens the grip and tugs his blanket over the student properly to ensure that he wouldn't feel cold at night. He places a last kiss on his lips and stands up again to return to his work. He'll just review the presentation for one last time and then follow the other to bed. He cannot wait to cuddle with him, connecting and warming their bodies underneath the fluffy blanket.
Back on his chair, Sho has a hard time finding back his concentration, his mind is still with his boyfriend who just turns a little in his sleep, showing the other his cute sleeping face half buried in the huge soft pillow. A small sigh leaves the young man's lips and Sho smiles again, supporting his chin with his hand as he witnesses his boyfriend sleeping. He wonders what the other is dreaming about now and hopes that it's something pleasant.
The young assistant professor's happy smile fades at the memory of Kazu's bad dream from the night after their first time, the one in which the young man was forced to re-experience his own death, and as if this isn't enough, a murder. Sho remembers the dream, no the night he dreamed of himself, recently, after Kazu told him that he dreamed about his own death. Up to that point, Sho hasn't remembered that unpleasant memory, most likely, it was better that way, not clouding their wonderful time together. But now, since the thing is out, he remembers it clearly in his dreams and those memories are very painful. He can only hope that it doesn't haunt his boyfriend’s dreams any longer, that would be horrible. At least Kazu didn't mention it again, so his hopes might be actualised.
Sho doesn't share the memory of what happened after the murder of his boyfriend, even if he now remembers everything. Kazu didn't ask, probably knowing that it's nothing nice to talk about, that they should rather keep focusing on their present than the painful past and bearing in mind that the past is past and what's now is now. And so Sho keeps it to himself. However, it was surely the most painful time Sho - or Shota - had to get through in his lives so far and even if he tries to shut it out, sometimes, the bad memory sneaks into Sho's dreams again, making him wonder why. It's in the past, isn't it? They don’t blame anyone for what happened. Neither themselves, nor Keiko's former self who murdered Kazu. How would it help? But why aren't they able to forget? Is it a message, maybe? Are they missing a hint?
The young man lets his eyes drop to his presentation material, deciding that he won't have the mindset for reviewing it now and that he better look a look at it again in the morning. Saving his files and putting away his material, he calls it a day and before going to bed, he also saves the document on Kazu's laptop before he shuts it down. He turns off the lights and lifts the blanket, crawling underneath it until he finds Kazu's warm body besides him and he immediately circles his arms around the boy's waist, bringing them close, spooning him from behind. As if he can feel the presence of his boyfriend, Kazu sighs slightly again, turning his face a little and Sho leans a big forward to kiss the other's cheeks. Kazu's hands shuffle a bit, seemingly searching for Sho's and cuddling together, breathing in the sweet scent of the one he loves, it also doesn't take much longer for Sho to fall asleep.
- + -
After Kazu's death, everything got exposed. Every little detail.
The hidden relationship between Shota and Kazu, the yearlong affair they shared, the meaning of the mysterious tattoo on the young lord's wrist, and the betrayal of Shota's wife. Every single person living in the Sakurai residence is talking about the happenings, except for Shota who stopped talking since the incident, mourning his loss.
His parents were shocked, not only about the affair, of course, also about the behaviour of Shota's wife. After her actions, the woman turned insane, ridden by guilt and sorrow. She broke down in Shota's bedroom when Kazu died, kept repeating that she couldn't bear being replaced by a male whore even when she's doing her best as a wife. It turned out that the fact that the woman was unable to become pregnant has made her mind go crazy. The feeling of being useless to her husband who refused to make love to her, to not being able to bear children, was unbearable for her. She became suspicious, thinking that Shota took someone else as a lover and she started spying on him. She found out that he never slept with another woman but he did sleep with someone else - his servant. And realizing that this might have nothing to do with her not becoming pregnant - since the man wouldn't be able to give him children either - she had to realize that Shota was in love with that man. Even if the young woman still refused to believe, to accept Shota's words that he loves Kazu and that he has been together with him for years. Because of their love, not just because he needed someone to replace his wife.
It was hard for her to accept and jealousy invaded her mind, poisoned it, and caused her to believe that if she could just get rid of that man who kept her husband away from her, Shota would fall in love with her. Of course, it didn't work out as she planned and deep inside she knew why. She hurt her husband deeply. And he would never forgive her for what she did.
In the end she gets sent back to her family, dismissed from the marriage to the Sakurai clan. Shota kind of feels sorry for her, being able to see where her anger and frustration is coming from but no matter what the reason is, he of course cannot forgive the woman who took away the most precious from him - his Kazu.
When Shota's parents suggest to him to take another woman as his wife, he calls them crazy, refusing the offer right away, of course. He's furious, yelling at them, saying that he will never ever take another women as his wife, and that he doesn't want to carry on the Sakurai family name. He breaks down in tears in front of them, something he never did since he was a young child who had gotten hurt badly during playing outside. He repeats over and over that he wants his beloved back. But of course, nobody can return from death and the young lord knows that he has to try and overcome the loss of his partner.
He will never be able to forget him, and he will never replace him, is what he tells his parents. His father bursts into anger towards his son, blaming him for the mess that happened, for driving a young woman insane, for causing the death of one of their servants and for being a man who is unworthy to carry on the Sakurai's title anyway.
In the end, after several fights, Shota decides to leave the residence and his family, leaving behind his old life, freeing himself from his obligations and freeing his family from the shame of living with a useless son like him. His mother of course wants him to stay, begs him to stay with the family, on her knees, crying big tears when her son decides to go, but Shota made up his mind. Maybe, he'll regret leaving his family behind, still fighting, and parting on bad terms, but for now, it's all he can do in order not to fall apart.
He doesn't take much stuff when he packs his things, thinking of abdicating the worldly pleasures anyway, but he isn't able to completely let go of things connected to the past, his heart still broken, still in love, and his body and mind not able to leave the memory behind. So he arranges some things he'll take with him, that remind him onto the happy times he and his beloved one shared. Some small presents that he made for the young man, small souvenirs from trips through the country, and some of Kazu's personal belongings that Shota's parents wanted to burn after the small funeral, but he just managed to save in the last moment, claiming them as his. And a book from the mansion's library, "Kaguya-hime monogatari" - Kazu's favourite story.
Brushing over the book's cover, Shota remembers the time he met Kazu in the library, secretly trying to read the books there, despite the fact that servants weren't allowed to spend time there. They were so young back then, kids, and Shota was drawn by the boy ever since he met him and especially, since he discovered the high interest in stories that the other carries, a commonality between them.
Shota loves stories, ever since. As the son of a prestigious family, he didn't have the chance to make many friends. Other kids in town were sent to school, put in classes together, played afterwards outside on the streets and in the fields. But for Shota it's always been home tutoring, studying at home, together with his sister who didn't share his interests and often didn't play with him. He felt lonely, and for a long time, besides starting to receive training in several things from his parents, the only thing he could do to pass time in the residence was reading, and he loved it.
When Kazu - called Nino by the other servants - entered his life, a boy around his age, small, thin, but obviously clever, Shota developed hope to find a friend in him. When he found him in the gardens, scared by the new surroundings and people, he felt this immense urge to protect him. To make him want to be here, here, together with him. Shota tried to keep in contact with the boy, even if he knows that he wasn't allowed to play with him. And so, instead, when the boy was ordered to do time consuming, boring tasks, Shota started to stay close to him and read him stories, to make the task more bearable, more fun. Kazu never said it - he wasn't supposed to talk to the young lord - but Shota hoped that the boy enjoyed his little company.
Then, he found proof for it. Proof, that Kazu indeed enjoyed Shota reading him stories, as he found the boy in the mansion's library, hiding the book of Kaguya-hime behind his back. The common interest made Shota feel understood and even more eager to spend time with the boy. So he offered to help him learn to read. And this was how they became friends... and more, later on.
Shota takes the book in his hands, firmer, and presses it to his chest, his heart feeling heavy like a rock, ready to drown him in the deep ocean of sorrow. He cannot describe the feeling he's experiencing, it's too much, too many feelings overlapping, despair, guilt, the wish to turn back time... It's like a deep hole opened in his chest since his beloved got ripped out of his live, and nothing is able fill it. Nothing ever will.
The man's arms feel awfully weak and the weight of the book he's embracing seems to double, as it thunks to the floor. Then, suddenly, Shota sees a small piece of paper sticking out between some pages. He fears that he has ruined Kazu's favourite book and hurriedly opens it at the respective pages, just to find a small note there that must have shifted from the movement. Though, the note leaves him puzzled.
Shota frowns as his eyes take in several numbers, paired in several lines with a sign between them showing that two of them each are connected. What's this supposed to be, he wonders. However, one thing is for sure. It's Kazu's beautiful, neat, and slightly wavy handwriting. He'd recognize it everywhere. But what are those numbers supposed to tell? Is it a list?
The young lord turns the note, but there's nothing else written on it. He lets his arm drop, feeling empty again before he puts it back into the book, wanting to keep it as it is. However, even during night when he's supposed to rest and get some energy for his planned departure to nowhere the next day, the note haunts him, making it impossible for him to fall asleep. He still wonders about the meaning behind it, wonders if it's really just a list - and if yes, for what? Maybe, it's some kind of message? A hidden message from his lover, encrypted in a code that nobody would be able to read. Shota allows his mind to wander further. What kind of message could it be? When did Kazu write it down? And why did he hide it in the book? Is it a message to Shota and did he want him to read it?
In the end, Shota has to get up and lit a candle, getting the book again, staring at the note. Those numbers must bear some deeper meaning, he's convinced of it. Maybe they are really a code. Hidden syllables maybe? Kazu could have used them to indicate on the writing systems. Shota takes a piece of paper and some ink to write, starting to note several syllables of the hiragana writing system. He stops quickly though, frustrated since nothing seems to make sense. He tries again, breaking down the numbers differently, but still, nothing.
He agonizes over possibilities desperately, tries to think what else these numbers could mean and the hours pass by until dawn breaks, letting the sun light fall into the man's room. The used candles are burned down and sheets of paper are spread next to Shota, nothing helpful written there. In the end, he has resumed to flip through the pages of the book, reviewing the story of princess Kaguya.
He sighs and his eyes seem to fall shut although he tries to keep his frustrated mind busy with reading, indulging into the story to flee from the cruel reality. His vision gets a little blurred, the letters in the books start dancing slightly but Shota tries to focus. Then, he sees it.
There's a dot next to one of the characters. A dot that obviously doesn't belong there.
First, he thinks, it's just a misprint, a small mistake or even only a small piece of dirt, fallen onto the page. Shota looks closer. He takes his finger and brushes over it. Not dirt. It's something permanent. It's dark, black, like ink. Can it be ink? It looks like someone added it, maybe not so long ago, judging from the intensity of the black colour.
Shota's mind seems to wake up again. Maybe, this is a clue. Maybe, this has something to do with the code that Kazu left behind - if it is even a code. He stares at the character but he doesn't get how it's connected to the code. He almost gives up, and then he finds himself browsing through the pages further, as if he's searching for similar hints. Surprisingly, he finds more of those dots. Not on every page, there are just a few, but they are there... hope rises in Shota's chest.
He takes the note in his hand again, looks at the number. He tries to connect. He starts counting the pages. Then there it is. The number of the first page with such a dot coincides with the first number on the note. He tries again. The second page does too, and the third.
His heart starts racing. He counts the characters and excitedly finds out that the number of characters is the same as the second number in the pairs. He did it. He decrypted the code!
Shota searches the book, goes to the pages indicated on the note, searches for the characters are indicated with the dot. They fit! All of them! He writes down the characters and words he finds on the respective pages and there it is, the message, folding out on the paper little by little.
It's making Shota's eyes wet when he reads character after character, connecting them into sentences and he blinks in order not to start crying on the spot. He scribbles down the last word, his handwriting messy from the speed and the shaking of his hand, coming from the excitement. He drops the brush onto the small ink stone and stares at the paper, at the last message by his beloved.
"Thank you for teaching me how to read. For teaching me how to love and for loving me. My life is worth being lived because I got to know you. I wish that our hearts will be connected, forever, throughout all times."
Shota stares at the words he scribbled down on the paper, his fingers crinkling the edges of the paper. His vision blurs dangerously and it doesn't take long until large tear drops fall down from his eyelashes, bursting on the paper and blurring the words. Hurriedly, Shota tries to dry the paper, using his kimono's sleeve to remove the salty water from it, to save the message. Kazu's message.
It's similar to what he often told Kazu, what he whispered into the young man's ear when he was troubled about something.
"You and me together, you and me through all the times," is what Shota used to say, while caressing his lover's soft skin, embracing him.
They both shared the same wish - to stay connected. Even in the afterlife.
Even if his heart is still broken, the young lord knows that he has to treasure life. Because life is what brought him and Kazu together. Life is what made it possible for them to meet and to share their time together. He could kill himself from the desperation, committing harakiri, to clear his reputation as lord, or to follow his lover into death. He could have gone and kill his former wife for what she did. But he doesn't. Because Shota knows better. He knows that this won't bring his and Kazu's soul peace.
In the end, the young man decides to become a monk, living high up in the mountains as he joins a temple to serve the gods. He will live with the guilt he feels for being partly responsible for his lover's death and with the memories they shared, until his life ends. He will spend the time left in his life to pray, pray for his and Kazu's soul to be able to search and find for each other in their next life again.
- + -
The next day after university, when the two of them allow themselves a break from working on their stuff at home, Sho and Kazu take a bath together. It took Sho quite a bit of persuasion to make the other agree to his wish but the young man thinks that it's definitely worth it. Sho's night was horrible, haunted by bad memories, and the day at the campus was exhausting too, so he definitely needs something to relax. And what's a better method to relax than to share a hot bath with the one you love?
The thing with Keiko is still troubling Sho. Kazu told him that he properly broke up with her and that since then they aren't in contact any longer - not counting the contact the girl obviously seems to still have with Kazu's mother. However, when she confronted Sho in the canteen, she was in a bad mood, and so the young assistant professor wonders, if there is more to expect from her. Sometimes, he thinks that he spots her staring at him and Kazu. Well, they still visit the same campus so a meeting or spotting each other occasionally is inevitable. However, those stares, which he isn't even sure if he's just imagining them or not, make him feel a bit nervous. Maybe, he's over thinking things…
The space in the bathtub is limited but Sho doesn't care, sitting as close to his boyfriend as possible and taking him between his legs, Kazu's back facing him. The young student's back has become pretty stiff from all the sitting in front of his laptop and concentrating on working on the script. Sho takes the chance to massage him, while Kazu is busy playing with the water and a small towel that he dropped from his head, which he is trying to sink it right now, smiling cutely at the bubbles forming from the fabric. The student lets out a small sigh of joy when Sho kneads his shoulders and leans a bit forward to kiss the birthmark, imitating a camellia, between his shoulder blades.
"Ne, Kazu?" Sho asks when he pulls back from the kiss and continues the massage.
"Hm?" the other turns his face, trying to look at him.
"Does your back still hurt much, recently?" the young assistant professor lets his fingertips run over the remains of his lover's tattoo again.
Kazu tilts his head. "Sometimes, a bit. But nothing serious, don't worry about it."
Again, Sho places a kiss on the respective spot. "When exactly?" he asks.
"Hm, when I'm on the campus sometimes, when I'm getting stiff from sitting in the lectures and such. Or when I have a bad sleeping position. I don't know... as usual it comes and goes but the pain has become less since we got together," the younger explains.
"Hmmm," Sho hums. "Must be my magic hands, after all," he smirks, thinking about the countless massages he offers his boyfriend casually, not only to soothe the other's pain but also because he just cannot keep his hands off the other.
Looking at his lover's birthmark makes Sho think about their past tattoos, about the tattooing session, the pain Kazu went through and then, his thoughts bring him back to last night's dreamt, to the memory of Kazu's murder, of the knife's fatal wound near to the tattoo's spot, the grief, the time after Kazu's death, the loneliness...
"Don't you think it's time to go home?" the young man asks suddenly, causing the younger to freeze, his shoulders stiffening again under Sho's touch.
"What?" Kazu tries to turn around to face Sho, but the limited space in the bathtub makes it impossible. With a slightly shaking voice, he asks. "Do… do you want me to leave?"
The older man's heart constricts. "No," he answers immediately, "It's just, I-"
"Then, did Aiba-san say something?" the student continues asking, nervously. "I'm taking too much space, aren't I? Or is it because I don't pay any rent? I can search for a part-time job and earn a bit money, of course, I'll pay you back, sorry I didn't think about it earlier, I-"
"No, Kazu, wait, it has nothing to do with that. Nobody wants you to leave, don't worry," the other tries to calm his boyfriend, rubbing his shoulders comfortingly. He has to admit that even if Kazu is obviously panicking, it's cute to see him worry about the thought of leaving Sho's apartment. They both really got used to living together, already and it definitely makes Sho happy.
"Why should I go home then?" the young man asks desperately.
Sho sighs deeply and takes a deep breath before replying. "I think you should make up with your mother."
"Sho…," Kazu sighs too. "We talked about this already, didn't we?"
"Yes, but I think we should talk about it again."
"Why is it so important to you that I make up with my mom?" the student asks and even if Sho cannot see it, he can imagine him frowning with worry. "She's been really mean. To me, to you, to every non-straight people in the world."
"She must be worried like hell about you," Sho replies, hugging the other from behind, placing his chin on Kazu's shoulder.
"That’s because she thinks her gay son is in the claws of the evil, Mr. Devil," the other answers snappily, rolling his eyes and his lips forming a cute pout.
"I'm sure you'll regret it if you don't make up," Sho then says, kissing his boyfriend's shoulder.
He remembers it, remembers how it feels to fight with his own family, parting in bad terms and losing contact with parents and siblings forever. He has experienced it, as the young lord who lost his lover, leaving his wife and family members to live for the rest of his life as a hermit. Up there in the mountains, all alone, all by himself with only the sad memory of his departed lover, lonely. That's why Sho wants Kazu to make up with his mother, the sooner the better. He could understand why the young man refuses. It's normal to fight with people close to you once in a while, but after some time, they should better try to make up again. Because of that, Sho pressed the other again and again to search for a reasonable conversation with his mom, but still, Kazu is stubborn, really stubborn.
"You think so?" the student asks, irony throbbing from his voice. "I think I have enough of her narrow-mindedness."
"Seems to run in the family," Sho murmurs against Kazu's neck before he retreats a little.
"What?!" the other protests immediately. "What did you just say?"
"Calm down, Kazu, I just mean that you are both stubborn," Sho clarifies. "But I'm sure if you have a proper talk, your mother will understand. She still tries to contact you, she wants to talk to you. You have to give her the chance."
The younger man sighs again, heavily. "But what… What if…"
"She won't abandon you, I'm sure of it," the older tries to assure him, hitting the point of his boyfriend's probably biggest fear.
"How can you be so sure of it?" Sho can hear the serious doubt in Kazu's voice.
"Would she still call you multiple times a day if she intends to abandon you?" the other replies, questioning.
"She still thinks she can make me get back to normal. But I won't!" Kazu says, determined. "So I won't be normal in her eyes any longer, no matter what she wants."
"She will have to learn living with it. In the end I'm sure you as her son as a whole is more important to her than your sexual orientation. She'll get used to it."
But despite Sho's encouraging words, the young student is still as stubborn as before. "She said so mean things about you; I won't forgive her if she doesn't apologize to you."
"I don't care, really. I heard much worse things in my life. It cannot hurt me."
"How can you be so generous, Sho?" Kazu raises his voice before he falls silent again. After a few seconds of silence, he adds in a whisper. "You're unbelievable. You're too good for this world."
"Don't say that," Sho answers. "I just learned to live with the various reactions of people towards my sexuality. Nothing can hurt me any longer. Especially not with you by my side," Kazu shivers when Sho kisses his neck slightly, tightening the embrace around the young man. "So… do you want me to come along to visit your mother?" Kazu still doesn't answer. "Or shall we invite her to the play? It could be interesting for her. It could make her more accepting, maybe. And it's something you are writing. She'll be very proud of you."
After another few seconds of silence, Kazu leans back into Sho's embrace. "You think so?" he asks, wondering.
"Of course!"
"Hm… maybe we can give it a try then."
"Once you have the tickets for the play, let's send her one too," Sho suggests.
Finally, Kazu gives in, nodding slightly. "Alright."
"Good boy," Sho smiles at his victory, happy to see his boyfriend willing to reconcile with his family. After all, this is what Kazu really wants, deep inside. Sho knows it.
He continues kissing his boyfriend, his back, his shoulders, trailing up his neck and brushing his lips softly against the very ticklish little space between Kazu's neck and ear, causing the other to shiver. Sho allows his hands - his arms still settled around the slim body in an embrace - to slip down a little in the water, feeling the soft skin of Kazu's belly, until he reaches his most sensitive area, making his body react to the touch, making him nervous. Sho can feel his lover's body tensing, and smirks satisfied, continuing the underwater caress shamelessly.
"Uhm... Sho?" Kazu asks with a slightly shaking voice.
"Hm?" the other hums, teasingly.
"We have finished talking about my mother now, right? Because if not... this would feel... inappropriate somehow," the younger hisses, his body starting to tremble.
Sho chuckles at the cuteness of his boyfriend and decides to continue teasing him a little. "Oh, don't tell me you've dirty thoughts in the bathtub."
"It's your fault," Kazu whispers, his face turned back as far as he can, his lips brushing Sho's ears.
"Well, you being pouty is just irresistible, you know?" the older man smirks, pleased.
"I love you," the younger whispers further, blushing nicely and allowing himself to relax in Sho's hands, finally.
Sho shivers at the tension between them, closing his eyes. "I love you too."
- + -
Kazu hasn't told anybody that his mother and maybe also his father (probably not since he must be busy with work as usual) might come watch the play. He and Sho are the only ones who know. The happenings around Ohno are much more important now, at least that's what Kazu says and why he asks Sho not to mention it in front of their friend. Nevertheless, when Sho is standing at the side of the stage, watching his boyfriend greeting the audience and opening the play, he can see the recognition on the young man's face. He must have spotted someone familiar. Sho hopes that it's not only Matsumoto that Kazu spots in the audience, but also his mother.
When the young man comes backstage and excitedly tells Ohno who seems to be a bunch of nerves that Matsumoto is sitting in the third row - he must have recognized him from the drawings and photos that Ohno showed him - Sho comes a few steps closer, looking at the young student with questioning eyes.
"Kazu," he whispers, putting his hand on the young man's shoulder hurriedly, knowing that there's not much time left before the other has to go back on stage.
Kazu bites his lips and nods slightly, nervousness visible in his eyes. "She's here," he says and that's enough for Sho to know what the other is talking about. He presses Kazu's shoulder and flashes him an encouraging smile before he retreats, giving the young man the time and space to prepare for his next performance.
The play is fascinating from beginning to end and even if Sho already saw parts of it during the rehearsal phase, seeing the whole thing is even more fascinating and impressive. Everything is on the point, the music, the stage setting, the acting of the several performers. The dialogues are easy to follow and dynamic and Sho can't help but be sure that the play will reach lots of people and make them think, Matsumoto for sure and Kazu's mother too. Kazu has refrained from putting a too clear message at the end, not wanting to impose his own opinion on the topic onto the audience but it's visible that this play is not just telling a simple love story but also a story about losing and finding yourself, about acceptance, respect and giving someone a second chance.
Sho is immensely proud of his boyfriend and his friends when the curtain falls and everyone is backstage. He pulls Kazu into a quick hug to congratulate him, but then, he realizes that Ohno seems troubled. Seems like Matsumoto has left the audience. Sho frowns. He's sure he talked to the man, who he became friends with during the past weeks, about everything and it seemed that Matsumoto is willing to give Ohno a second chance, wanting to tell him after the play. He won't just leave the scene and run away again, Sho is certain.
He looks around, hoping the man might have found his way backstage to fulfil his promise and indeed, he sees Matsumoto standing there, nodding at him as a greeting. Sho smiles encouraging, feeling a load fall off his chest and turns to Kazu and Ohno, Kazu still busy with comforting and encouraging the other, to tell them who's here.
Leaving Ohno and Matsumoto behind finally to talk out things, Sho reaches his hand to Kazu and pulls the other away, guiding him downstairs to the room the students use as dressing room.
"Your mother is still there?" Sho asks as they trail along the corridors.
"Seems so. She was sitting in the back until the very end," the young student answers and Sho can feel his hand slightly trembling in his. He must be nervous.
"I'm sure she's waiting for you, we should go to meet her soon and talk to her," Sho says, earning an insecure look by the other, who finally nods, though. "But maybe you should get dressed first."
Sho can see from the slightly shaking movements of his boyfriend that he's nervous, when he changes into his casual wear and packs his stuff. The other students coming back to the dressing room for changing cheerfully greet them and tell Kazu how awesome the performance was, how much fun they had and Kazu exchanges some compliments with them, obviously embarrassed by the praises. When Higashide asks him if he's coming along for celebrations, as he has gathered a small group of people who want to go eat sushi, he declines and replies that he already has plans with his family... and Sho.
Kazu takes his bag with him and follows Sho upstairs again, reaching for the other's hand, making Sho's heart skip at the cute gesture. He laughs and pulls the other up, until they reach the top of the stairs of the first floor. Smirking, Sho quickly presses Kazu against the wall before the other can even go outside. The cheerful talking from the performance hall and the corridors reaches their ears, but they seem to be alone, undisturbed despite the circumstances.
"Sho," Kazu blushes at the sudden closeness. "This isn't the time for…"
"I'm sorry, I just can't hold back," Sho answers. "I'm so proud of you. For writing this play, for performing, for giving Ohno the chance to make up with Matsumoto and for your willingness to reconcile with your mother."
"And this turns you on?" Kazu chuckles, joking.
"You always turn me on," the other replies, smirking against his ear, causing Kazu to take a deep breath.
The young assistant professor doesn't want to waste more time and so he cups the student's face, sealing his lips with a tender kiss that turns more and more passionate with each brushing of their lips against each other. A voiceless moan escapes from Kazu's lips when the younger closes his eyes and slightly parts his lips to make it easier for his boyfriend to deepen their kiss. Both of them are like in trance, their hands found each other, fingers intertwined, their mouths connected with their sweet proofs of love.
Footsteps resonate behind them but Sho doesn't care. But then, he suddenly feels something - someone - tugging at his shoulders, pulling him back forcefully and he unwillingly lets go off Kazu to turn around and check what's going on.
"You shouldn't kiss at university, pervert!" a female voice hisses.
Surprised - or not as much as he thought he should be - Sho looks straight into the angry, distorted face of a woman. Keiko. She looks angry. Her eyes are shining, as if she's about to cry, she's biting her lower lip and her grip around Sho's arm tightens as she furrows her eyebrows. The young man can feel the jealousy and hate coming from her eyes as she glares at him, and the sadness when her look slightly slides off to Kazu for a second, who just stares at her, wondering.
"Keiko... what are you doing here?" the student finally asks.
"I watched your play," the woman says, adding in a cold voice. "Congratulations."
Kazu doesn't seem to be sure if he shall thank her or not, so he just nods at her, slightly insecurely.
Keiko just stares at them, her look wandering from Sho to Kazu and it's like she wants to say something. Sho starts feeling really uncomfortable. What does she want? He clears his throat and finally addresses her.
"Can we help you somehow, Kitagawa-san?" Sho asks.
Keiko glares at him, angrily, her close pressed lips finally parting. "Give him back," she whispers.
"What?"
"Give him back! I want Nino back!" the woman yells at the other. "I want the relationship that you ruined back!"
"Keiko, what are you talking?!" Kazu exclaims, stepping forward and touching Sho's arm, slightly clinging to the man's shirt. "Sho didn't ruin anything!"
The woman's look falls to the spot where Kazu grabbed Sho's arm and Sho can almost see the fire burning in her eyes. She obviously doesn't approve of this at all.
"He took you away from me... he's the devil. He made you fall for him although you're mine," Keiko murmurs, her voice sounding cold and hurt.
"Our relationship didn't work, that's why I broke up with you," Kazu continues, desperately. "I'm sorry, I didn't intend to hurt you but please, just accept the facts already, will you?"
Still, Keiko's eyes are locked onto Kazu's hand and Sho can somehow feel, that this small, simple touch between them is enough for her to go crazy. He feels his heartbeat rising, feels a shiver running down his spine, coming from the bad misgiving that is intruding his mind suddenly. He slowly reaches up his hand, in order to loosen Kazu's grip but maybe, this was a mistake, making Keiko misinterpret the gesture as the two men trying to hold hands in front of her very eyes, to provoke her.
"I will never accept you two being together!" she finally bursts in anger and then, everything goes very quickly.
The young woman's face looks furious and she jumps forward, her hands reaching for Kazu's and Sho's that were almost touching, and she pushes the two men apart from each other with an insane strength that her thin arms never looked able to produce. Kazu yelps, bending forward a little, following the movement of his hand and Sho, surprised by Keiko's power, stumbles. Stumbles dangerously close to the stairs and then it happens - he slips.
Sho loses his balance and waves his arms when he desperately tries to get hold of something to stabilize. It's Kazu, who then reaches his arms to his boyfriend, stepping forward to catch him, trying to pull him back, but it's already too late and Sho's bodyweight pulls the other man with him. Their bodies tangle as they both crash down the stairs and Sho can feel how Kazu wraps his arms around him, pressing Sho's face against his chest to protect him from getting hurt. The world is upside down and Sho cannot comprehend the situation any longer, just feeling Kazu's heartbeat against his ear and his arms tightening around him. His own left arm hits a step's sharp edge during the fall and Sho cringes, closing his eyes in reflex. Then, he hears Kazu moaning painfully and Keiko screaming in shock as the movement stops.
His heartbeat slamming against his ribcage and his mind puzzled, Sho tries to get back into the situation quickly. His mind is filled with Kazu when he fully realizes what just happens. He snaps his eyes open and finds himself still locked in the other's arms. Kazu isn't moving.
Sho disentangles himself from their embrace, his look focused on his boyfriend, who lies there next to him at the end of the staircase, his eyes closed.
"...Kazu?" Sho asks, his voice a whisper, shaking.
Still, Kazu isn't moving.
The flashback of the motionless, cold body of his lover in his arms overwhelms Sho and makes his stomach feel like it turns upside down. He starts to panic.
Sho bends forward, reaching to cup his boyfriend's face. "Kazu! Hey, Kazu, open your eyes!"
The young man starts patting Kazu's cheeks hurriedly with shaking hands, panic rushing all over his body and mind, but he doesn't receive any reaction from the man lying on the ground. Kazu must have passed out... Sho turns to Keiko, yelling that she should call for help, but the young woman doesn't hear him, staring at Kazu, her face gone white as chalk.
"Nino… Gosh… what... what did I do…," she whispers, clasps her hands in front of her mouth, sinking down to her knees. "I… I didn't want to…"
The woman was just a bunch of nerves and she breaks into tears, her body shaking helplessly. Cursing, Sho focuses on his unconscious boyfriend again and reaches into his pocket to pull out his cell phone, realizing only now that his arm that he hit during the fall hurts pretty badly but he doesn't care, and dials the ambulance's number quickly. His eyes focus on his boyfriend, his heart is racing. He can just hope that he isn’t too seriously hurt and that everything will be fine. After settling the call, Sho clenches Kazu's hand, pressing it tightly, still, there is no reaction from the young man. Maybe, it's just the shock, but Sho's thoughts are running wild, drifting into the most angsty and depressing direction possible. He cannot lose his Kazu, his love. Not again. He wouldn't be able to bear with it. Everything has to be alright. Definitely!
His eyes fill with tears.
Chapter 6 - Last Chapter - Last Part
CHAPTER 6 - Last Chapter
- - + SAKURAI SHO + - -
It's been a few weeks since Sho and Kazu got together and they are still on cloud 9. Ever since Kazu came back to Sho's apartment, they have been together most of the time, and they love spending time together, even if both of them are often just sitting in the same room, doing different stuff. Like when Sho prepares for his classes and Kazu does homework or works on the script for the theatre club's play. There is a mutual understanding for each other between them, that both need their time and nonetheless they always have some nice words for the time between, a few minutes to chat or time to prepare dinner together. Aiba uses to tease the two of them, calling them an old married couple and when Sho then jokingly circles his arm around Kazu's hips, making his boyfriend blush with some flirting attempts, Aiba retreats from the kitchen, leaving them their time and space, not willing to witness any lovey-dovey behaviour by his friends.
The theatre play's script Kazu and Ohno came up with is progressing very well. Sho can see how hard the two of them work during every single free period they can find at university, brainstorming, Ohno showing Kazu some stuff from his dream diaries, starting preparations for the stage setting and costumes, and whatnot. And he can see how hard Kazu is working on his own in the evenings, at night, refining dialogues and details over and over. His boyfriend is a perfectionist. Sho can totally understand why Sakamoto-sensei is such a big fan of Kazu. He's hard working but also talented and those two strengths combined let him create the most beautiful stories.
Kazu has been working for hours on a specific scene, wondering over and over how to create the most thrilling atmosphere. He's done some research on samurai, on ancient Japan, has talked to Sho about all that, seeking help and a second opinion on different stuff and Sho is happy that he can be of help, a little notch in the progress of his lover's play. It's fascinating to be around him, seeing him being passionate. Sho loves this about Kazu a lot. Like he loves everything about him.
Sho is still working on the preparation of a presentation he's to conduct in Sakamoto's next lecture about Murakami Haruki's work, when he suddenly hears a rustling noise, followed by a thunk from behind. He turns his head, just to see his boyfriend having passed out, sitting at the low table that he put up there for him and his laptop and papers. He must have fallen asleep over reviewing the play for the nth time, Sho assumes. He cannot help but smirk a little as he stands up from his desk and settles down beside the young student, seeing his arms slipped down from the table and his forehead resting on the wooden table. He reaches out to his boyfriend's shoulders, pulling him back slightly. Kazu's glasses almost slip from the young man's nose and Sho quickly reaches for them to put them onto the table.
"Hey, Kazu," he whispers into the student's ear. "It's time for bed, don't you think so?"
"Huhmm?" the younger reacts - somehow - he doesn't seem to be fast asleep yet but in a state between being awake and dreaming.
"Let me help you to bed," Sho continues and pats his boyfriend's shoulders to make him move.
The latter slightly opens his eyes, looking at the other through his half-opened lids and seems to try shaking his head, mumbling something about not having finished yet. Nevertheless, the young man automatically lets his arms curl around his boyfriend's neck when Sho pulls him slightly closer to drag him to his bed. Kazu doesn't even struggle, when Sho sits him onto the bed, pulls back the blanket and helps him to lie down before he pulls off his socks and tucks his sleeping shirt in place.
"Don't be silly, you've done enough for today. You can continue tomorrow," Sho smiles and leans down to place a kiss on Kazu's forehead.
The young student moans, complaining, but instead of complaining about being forced to stop working, Sho quickly finds out that his boyfriend is actually complaining about not receiving a proper good night kiss. Kazu tugs at his pyjamas and pulls him down to bring their lips close. The young man is already too tired for proper kissing, but the brush of their lips makes Sho feel nice and warm, and his heart skips a beat.
Sho is happy. He has never been as happy as now. He feels the love, the most prominent feeling invading his chest ever since he met the young man just a few weeks ago. He remembers the love that he felt for him hundreds of years ago and again he thinks about the miracle of having found each other again, this time in a surely better environment, with better chances for their love. He considers himself as really lucky. And as soon as they managed to bring Ohno and Matsumoto back together and Kazu to make up with his family, everything will be perfect.
The movement of Kazu's lips are small and fading, but they don't stop despite the young man's obvious tiredness. He moans slightly, this time satisfied and Sho's lips curl up into a smile, still touching the other's lips. He really enjoys all the little affections he receives from his boyfriend recently. Kazu is still shy, but since they made love to each other, he's much less shy than in the beginning and when he's seeking for closeness, he's just too adorable and cute. After kissing him good night properly, Sho brushes his hands lovingly over his boyfriend's cheek. Soon after, the younger seems to slip into dream world, for real.
Sho smiles lovingly, seeing Kazu's hand still clasping his pyjama shirt and he carefully loosens the grip and tugs his blanket over the student properly to ensure that he wouldn't feel cold at night. He places a last kiss on his lips and stands up again to return to his work. He'll just review the presentation for one last time and then follow the other to bed. He cannot wait to cuddle with him, connecting and warming their bodies underneath the fluffy blanket.
Back on his chair, Sho has a hard time finding back his concentration, his mind is still with his boyfriend who just turns a little in his sleep, showing the other his cute sleeping face half buried in the huge soft pillow. A small sigh leaves the young man's lips and Sho smiles again, supporting his chin with his hand as he witnesses his boyfriend sleeping. He wonders what the other is dreaming about now and hopes that it's something pleasant.
The young assistant professor's happy smile fades at the memory of Kazu's bad dream from the night after their first time, the one in which the young man was forced to re-experience his own death, and as if this isn't enough, a murder. Sho remembers the dream, no the night he dreamed of himself, recently, after Kazu told him that he dreamed about his own death. Up to that point, Sho hasn't remembered that unpleasant memory, most likely, it was better that way, not clouding their wonderful time together. But now, since the thing is out, he remembers it clearly in his dreams and those memories are very painful. He can only hope that it doesn't haunt his boyfriend’s dreams any longer, that would be horrible. At least Kazu didn't mention it again, so his hopes might be actualised.
Sho doesn't share the memory of what happened after the murder of his boyfriend, even if he now remembers everything. Kazu didn't ask, probably knowing that it's nothing nice to talk about, that they should rather keep focusing on their present than the painful past and bearing in mind that the past is past and what's now is now. And so Sho keeps it to himself. However, it was surely the most painful time Sho - or Shota - had to get through in his lives so far and even if he tries to shut it out, sometimes, the bad memory sneaks into Sho's dreams again, making him wonder why. It's in the past, isn't it? They don’t blame anyone for what happened. Neither themselves, nor Keiko's former self who murdered Kazu. How would it help? But why aren't they able to forget? Is it a message, maybe? Are they missing a hint?
The young man lets his eyes drop to his presentation material, deciding that he won't have the mindset for reviewing it now and that he better look a look at it again in the morning. Saving his files and putting away his material, he calls it a day and before going to bed, he also saves the document on Kazu's laptop before he shuts it down. He turns off the lights and lifts the blanket, crawling underneath it until he finds Kazu's warm body besides him and he immediately circles his arms around the boy's waist, bringing them close, spooning him from behind. As if he can feel the presence of his boyfriend, Kazu sighs slightly again, turning his face a little and Sho leans a big forward to kiss the other's cheeks. Kazu's hands shuffle a bit, seemingly searching for Sho's and cuddling together, breathing in the sweet scent of the one he loves, it also doesn't take much longer for Sho to fall asleep.
- + -
After Kazu's death, everything got exposed. Every little detail.
The hidden relationship between Shota and Kazu, the yearlong affair they shared, the meaning of the mysterious tattoo on the young lord's wrist, and the betrayal of Shota's wife. Every single person living in the Sakurai residence is talking about the happenings, except for Shota who stopped talking since the incident, mourning his loss.
His parents were shocked, not only about the affair, of course, also about the behaviour of Shota's wife. After her actions, the woman turned insane, ridden by guilt and sorrow. She broke down in Shota's bedroom when Kazu died, kept repeating that she couldn't bear being replaced by a male whore even when she's doing her best as a wife. It turned out that the fact that the woman was unable to become pregnant has made her mind go crazy. The feeling of being useless to her husband who refused to make love to her, to not being able to bear children, was unbearable for her. She became suspicious, thinking that Shota took someone else as a lover and she started spying on him. She found out that he never slept with another woman but he did sleep with someone else - his servant. And realizing that this might have nothing to do with her not becoming pregnant - since the man wouldn't be able to give him children either - she had to realize that Shota was in love with that man. Even if the young woman still refused to believe, to accept Shota's words that he loves Kazu and that he has been together with him for years. Because of their love, not just because he needed someone to replace his wife.
It was hard for her to accept and jealousy invaded her mind, poisoned it, and caused her to believe that if she could just get rid of that man who kept her husband away from her, Shota would fall in love with her. Of course, it didn't work out as she planned and deep inside she knew why. She hurt her husband deeply. And he would never forgive her for what she did.
In the end she gets sent back to her family, dismissed from the marriage to the Sakurai clan. Shota kind of feels sorry for her, being able to see where her anger and frustration is coming from but no matter what the reason is, he of course cannot forgive the woman who took away the most precious from him - his Kazu.
When Shota's parents suggest to him to take another woman as his wife, he calls them crazy, refusing the offer right away, of course. He's furious, yelling at them, saying that he will never ever take another women as his wife, and that he doesn't want to carry on the Sakurai family name. He breaks down in tears in front of them, something he never did since he was a young child who had gotten hurt badly during playing outside. He repeats over and over that he wants his beloved back. But of course, nobody can return from death and the young lord knows that he has to try and overcome the loss of his partner.
He will never be able to forget him, and he will never replace him, is what he tells his parents. His father bursts into anger towards his son, blaming him for the mess that happened, for driving a young woman insane, for causing the death of one of their servants and for being a man who is unworthy to carry on the Sakurai's title anyway.
In the end, after several fights, Shota decides to leave the residence and his family, leaving behind his old life, freeing himself from his obligations and freeing his family from the shame of living with a useless son like him. His mother of course wants him to stay, begs him to stay with the family, on her knees, crying big tears when her son decides to go, but Shota made up his mind. Maybe, he'll regret leaving his family behind, still fighting, and parting on bad terms, but for now, it's all he can do in order not to fall apart.
He doesn't take much stuff when he packs his things, thinking of abdicating the worldly pleasures anyway, but he isn't able to completely let go of things connected to the past, his heart still broken, still in love, and his body and mind not able to leave the memory behind. So he arranges some things he'll take with him, that remind him onto the happy times he and his beloved one shared. Some small presents that he made for the young man, small souvenirs from trips through the country, and some of Kazu's personal belongings that Shota's parents wanted to burn after the small funeral, but he just managed to save in the last moment, claiming them as his. And a book from the mansion's library, "Kaguya-hime monogatari" - Kazu's favourite story.
Brushing over the book's cover, Shota remembers the time he met Kazu in the library, secretly trying to read the books there, despite the fact that servants weren't allowed to spend time there. They were so young back then, kids, and Shota was drawn by the boy ever since he met him and especially, since he discovered the high interest in stories that the other carries, a commonality between them.
Shota loves stories, ever since. As the son of a prestigious family, he didn't have the chance to make many friends. Other kids in town were sent to school, put in classes together, played afterwards outside on the streets and in the fields. But for Shota it's always been home tutoring, studying at home, together with his sister who didn't share his interests and often didn't play with him. He felt lonely, and for a long time, besides starting to receive training in several things from his parents, the only thing he could do to pass time in the residence was reading, and he loved it.
When Kazu - called Nino by the other servants - entered his life, a boy around his age, small, thin, but obviously clever, Shota developed hope to find a friend in him. When he found him in the gardens, scared by the new surroundings and people, he felt this immense urge to protect him. To make him want to be here, here, together with him. Shota tried to keep in contact with the boy, even if he knows that he wasn't allowed to play with him. And so, instead, when the boy was ordered to do time consuming, boring tasks, Shota started to stay close to him and read him stories, to make the task more bearable, more fun. Kazu never said it - he wasn't supposed to talk to the young lord - but Shota hoped that the boy enjoyed his little company.
Then, he found proof for it. Proof, that Kazu indeed enjoyed Shota reading him stories, as he found the boy in the mansion's library, hiding the book of Kaguya-hime behind his back. The common interest made Shota feel understood and even more eager to spend time with the boy. So he offered to help him learn to read. And this was how they became friends... and more, later on.
Shota takes the book in his hands, firmer, and presses it to his chest, his heart feeling heavy like a rock, ready to drown him in the deep ocean of sorrow. He cannot describe the feeling he's experiencing, it's too much, too many feelings overlapping, despair, guilt, the wish to turn back time... It's like a deep hole opened in his chest since his beloved got ripped out of his live, and nothing is able fill it. Nothing ever will.
The man's arms feel awfully weak and the weight of the book he's embracing seems to double, as it thunks to the floor. Then, suddenly, Shota sees a small piece of paper sticking out between some pages. He fears that he has ruined Kazu's favourite book and hurriedly opens it at the respective pages, just to find a small note there that must have shifted from the movement. Though, the note leaves him puzzled.
Shota frowns as his eyes take in several numbers, paired in several lines with a sign between them showing that two of them each are connected. What's this supposed to be, he wonders. However, one thing is for sure. It's Kazu's beautiful, neat, and slightly wavy handwriting. He'd recognize it everywhere. But what are those numbers supposed to tell? Is it a list?
The young lord turns the note, but there's nothing else written on it. He lets his arm drop, feeling empty again before he puts it back into the book, wanting to keep it as it is. However, even during night when he's supposed to rest and get some energy for his planned departure to nowhere the next day, the note haunts him, making it impossible for him to fall asleep. He still wonders about the meaning behind it, wonders if it's really just a list - and if yes, for what? Maybe, it's some kind of message? A hidden message from his lover, encrypted in a code that nobody would be able to read. Shota allows his mind to wander further. What kind of message could it be? When did Kazu write it down? And why did he hide it in the book? Is it a message to Shota and did he want him to read it?
In the end, Shota has to get up and lit a candle, getting the book again, staring at the note. Those numbers must bear some deeper meaning, he's convinced of it. Maybe they are really a code. Hidden syllables maybe? Kazu could have used them to indicate on the writing systems. Shota takes a piece of paper and some ink to write, starting to note several syllables of the hiragana writing system. He stops quickly though, frustrated since nothing seems to make sense. He tries again, breaking down the numbers differently, but still, nothing.
He agonizes over possibilities desperately, tries to think what else these numbers could mean and the hours pass by until dawn breaks, letting the sun light fall into the man's room. The used candles are burned down and sheets of paper are spread next to Shota, nothing helpful written there. In the end, he has resumed to flip through the pages of the book, reviewing the story of princess Kaguya.
He sighs and his eyes seem to fall shut although he tries to keep his frustrated mind busy with reading, indulging into the story to flee from the cruel reality. His vision gets a little blurred, the letters in the books start dancing slightly but Shota tries to focus. Then, he sees it.
There's a dot next to one of the characters. A dot that obviously doesn't belong there.
First, he thinks, it's just a misprint, a small mistake or even only a small piece of dirt, fallen onto the page. Shota looks closer. He takes his finger and brushes over it. Not dirt. It's something permanent. It's dark, black, like ink. Can it be ink? It looks like someone added it, maybe not so long ago, judging from the intensity of the black colour.
Shota's mind seems to wake up again. Maybe, this is a clue. Maybe, this has something to do with the code that Kazu left behind - if it is even a code. He stares at the character but he doesn't get how it's connected to the code. He almost gives up, and then he finds himself browsing through the pages further, as if he's searching for similar hints. Surprisingly, he finds more of those dots. Not on every page, there are just a few, but they are there... hope rises in Shota's chest.
He takes the note in his hand again, looks at the number. He tries to connect. He starts counting the pages. Then there it is. The number of the first page with such a dot coincides with the first number on the note. He tries again. The second page does too, and the third.
His heart starts racing. He counts the characters and excitedly finds out that the number of characters is the same as the second number in the pairs. He did it. He decrypted the code!
Shota searches the book, goes to the pages indicated on the note, searches for the characters are indicated with the dot. They fit! All of them! He writes down the characters and words he finds on the respective pages and there it is, the message, folding out on the paper little by little.
It's making Shota's eyes wet when he reads character after character, connecting them into sentences and he blinks in order not to start crying on the spot. He scribbles down the last word, his handwriting messy from the speed and the shaking of his hand, coming from the excitement. He drops the brush onto the small ink stone and stares at the paper, at the last message by his beloved.
"Thank you for teaching me how to read. For teaching me how to love and for loving me. My life is worth being lived because I got to know you. I wish that our hearts will be connected, forever, throughout all times."
Shota stares at the words he scribbled down on the paper, his fingers crinkling the edges of the paper. His vision blurs dangerously and it doesn't take long until large tear drops fall down from his eyelashes, bursting on the paper and blurring the words. Hurriedly, Shota tries to dry the paper, using his kimono's sleeve to remove the salty water from it, to save the message. Kazu's message.
It's similar to what he often told Kazu, what he whispered into the young man's ear when he was troubled about something.
"You and me together, you and me through all the times," is what Shota used to say, while caressing his lover's soft skin, embracing him.
They both shared the same wish - to stay connected. Even in the afterlife.
Even if his heart is still broken, the young lord knows that he has to treasure life. Because life is what brought him and Kazu together. Life is what made it possible for them to meet and to share their time together. He could kill himself from the desperation, committing harakiri, to clear his reputation as lord, or to follow his lover into death. He could have gone and kill his former wife for what she did. But he doesn't. Because Shota knows better. He knows that this won't bring his and Kazu's soul peace.
In the end, the young man decides to become a monk, living high up in the mountains as he joins a temple to serve the gods. He will live with the guilt he feels for being partly responsible for his lover's death and with the memories they shared, until his life ends. He will spend the time left in his life to pray, pray for his and Kazu's soul to be able to search and find for each other in their next life again.
- + -
The next day after university, when the two of them allow themselves a break from working on their stuff at home, Sho and Kazu take a bath together. It took Sho quite a bit of persuasion to make the other agree to his wish but the young man thinks that it's definitely worth it. Sho's night was horrible, haunted by bad memories, and the day at the campus was exhausting too, so he definitely needs something to relax. And what's a better method to relax than to share a hot bath with the one you love?
The thing with Keiko is still troubling Sho. Kazu told him that he properly broke up with her and that since then they aren't in contact any longer - not counting the contact the girl obviously seems to still have with Kazu's mother. However, when she confronted Sho in the canteen, she was in a bad mood, and so the young assistant professor wonders, if there is more to expect from her. Sometimes, he thinks that he spots her staring at him and Kazu. Well, they still visit the same campus so a meeting or spotting each other occasionally is inevitable. However, those stares, which he isn't even sure if he's just imagining them or not, make him feel a bit nervous. Maybe, he's over thinking things…
The space in the bathtub is limited but Sho doesn't care, sitting as close to his boyfriend as possible and taking him between his legs, Kazu's back facing him. The young student's back has become pretty stiff from all the sitting in front of his laptop and concentrating on working on the script. Sho takes the chance to massage him, while Kazu is busy playing with the water and a small towel that he dropped from his head, which he is trying to sink it right now, smiling cutely at the bubbles forming from the fabric. The student lets out a small sigh of joy when Sho kneads his shoulders and leans a bit forward to kiss the birthmark, imitating a camellia, between his shoulder blades.
"Ne, Kazu?" Sho asks when he pulls back from the kiss and continues the massage.
"Hm?" the other turns his face, trying to look at him.
"Does your back still hurt much, recently?" the young assistant professor lets his fingertips run over the remains of his lover's tattoo again.
Kazu tilts his head. "Sometimes, a bit. But nothing serious, don't worry about it."
Again, Sho places a kiss on the respective spot. "When exactly?" he asks.
"Hm, when I'm on the campus sometimes, when I'm getting stiff from sitting in the lectures and such. Or when I have a bad sleeping position. I don't know... as usual it comes and goes but the pain has become less since we got together," the younger explains.
"Hmmm," Sho hums. "Must be my magic hands, after all," he smirks, thinking about the countless massages he offers his boyfriend casually, not only to soothe the other's pain but also because he just cannot keep his hands off the other.
Looking at his lover's birthmark makes Sho think about their past tattoos, about the tattooing session, the pain Kazu went through and then, his thoughts bring him back to last night's dreamt, to the memory of Kazu's murder, of the knife's fatal wound near to the tattoo's spot, the grief, the time after Kazu's death, the loneliness...
"Don't you think it's time to go home?" the young man asks suddenly, causing the younger to freeze, his shoulders stiffening again under Sho's touch.
"What?" Kazu tries to turn around to face Sho, but the limited space in the bathtub makes it impossible. With a slightly shaking voice, he asks. "Do… do you want me to leave?"
The older man's heart constricts. "No," he answers immediately, "It's just, I-"
"Then, did Aiba-san say something?" the student continues asking, nervously. "I'm taking too much space, aren't I? Or is it because I don't pay any rent? I can search for a part-time job and earn a bit money, of course, I'll pay you back, sorry I didn't think about it earlier, I-"
"No, Kazu, wait, it has nothing to do with that. Nobody wants you to leave, don't worry," the other tries to calm his boyfriend, rubbing his shoulders comfortingly. He has to admit that even if Kazu is obviously panicking, it's cute to see him worry about the thought of leaving Sho's apartment. They both really got used to living together, already and it definitely makes Sho happy.
"Why should I go home then?" the young man asks desperately.
Sho sighs deeply and takes a deep breath before replying. "I think you should make up with your mother."
"Sho…," Kazu sighs too. "We talked about this already, didn't we?"
"Yes, but I think we should talk about it again."
"Why is it so important to you that I make up with my mom?" the student asks and even if Sho cannot see it, he can imagine him frowning with worry. "She's been really mean. To me, to you, to every non-straight people in the world."
"She must be worried like hell about you," Sho replies, hugging the other from behind, placing his chin on Kazu's shoulder.
"That’s because she thinks her gay son is in the claws of the evil, Mr. Devil," the other answers snappily, rolling his eyes and his lips forming a cute pout.
"I'm sure you'll regret it if you don't make up," Sho then says, kissing his boyfriend's shoulder.
He remembers it, remembers how it feels to fight with his own family, parting in bad terms and losing contact with parents and siblings forever. He has experienced it, as the young lord who lost his lover, leaving his wife and family members to live for the rest of his life as a hermit. Up there in the mountains, all alone, all by himself with only the sad memory of his departed lover, lonely. That's why Sho wants Kazu to make up with his mother, the sooner the better. He could understand why the young man refuses. It's normal to fight with people close to you once in a while, but after some time, they should better try to make up again. Because of that, Sho pressed the other again and again to search for a reasonable conversation with his mom, but still, Kazu is stubborn, really stubborn.
"You think so?" the student asks, irony throbbing from his voice. "I think I have enough of her narrow-mindedness."
"Seems to run in the family," Sho murmurs against Kazu's neck before he retreats a little.
"What?!" the other protests immediately. "What did you just say?"
"Calm down, Kazu, I just mean that you are both stubborn," Sho clarifies. "But I'm sure if you have a proper talk, your mother will understand. She still tries to contact you, she wants to talk to you. You have to give her the chance."
The younger man sighs again, heavily. "But what… What if…"
"She won't abandon you, I'm sure of it," the older tries to assure him, hitting the point of his boyfriend's probably biggest fear.
"How can you be so sure of it?" Sho can hear the serious doubt in Kazu's voice.
"Would she still call you multiple times a day if she intends to abandon you?" the other replies, questioning.
"She still thinks she can make me get back to normal. But I won't!" Kazu says, determined. "So I won't be normal in her eyes any longer, no matter what she wants."
"She will have to learn living with it. In the end I'm sure you as her son as a whole is more important to her than your sexual orientation. She'll get used to it."
But despite Sho's encouraging words, the young student is still as stubborn as before. "She said so mean things about you; I won't forgive her if she doesn't apologize to you."
"I don't care, really. I heard much worse things in my life. It cannot hurt me."
"How can you be so generous, Sho?" Kazu raises his voice before he falls silent again. After a few seconds of silence, he adds in a whisper. "You're unbelievable. You're too good for this world."
"Don't say that," Sho answers. "I just learned to live with the various reactions of people towards my sexuality. Nothing can hurt me any longer. Especially not with you by my side," Kazu shivers when Sho kisses his neck slightly, tightening the embrace around the young man. "So… do you want me to come along to visit your mother?" Kazu still doesn't answer. "Or shall we invite her to the play? It could be interesting for her. It could make her more accepting, maybe. And it's something you are writing. She'll be very proud of you."
After another few seconds of silence, Kazu leans back into Sho's embrace. "You think so?" he asks, wondering.
"Of course!"
"Hm… maybe we can give it a try then."
"Once you have the tickets for the play, let's send her one too," Sho suggests.
Finally, Kazu gives in, nodding slightly. "Alright."
"Good boy," Sho smiles at his victory, happy to see his boyfriend willing to reconcile with his family. After all, this is what Kazu really wants, deep inside. Sho knows it.
He continues kissing his boyfriend, his back, his shoulders, trailing up his neck and brushing his lips softly against the very ticklish little space between Kazu's neck and ear, causing the other to shiver. Sho allows his hands - his arms still settled around the slim body in an embrace - to slip down a little in the water, feeling the soft skin of Kazu's belly, until he reaches his most sensitive area, making his body react to the touch, making him nervous. Sho can feel his lover's body tensing, and smirks satisfied, continuing the underwater caress shamelessly.
"Uhm... Sho?" Kazu asks with a slightly shaking voice.
"Hm?" the other hums, teasingly.
"We have finished talking about my mother now, right? Because if not... this would feel... inappropriate somehow," the younger hisses, his body starting to tremble.
Sho chuckles at the cuteness of his boyfriend and decides to continue teasing him a little. "Oh, don't tell me you've dirty thoughts in the bathtub."
"It's your fault," Kazu whispers, his face turned back as far as he can, his lips brushing Sho's ears.
"Well, you being pouty is just irresistible, you know?" the older man smirks, pleased.
"I love you," the younger whispers further, blushing nicely and allowing himself to relax in Sho's hands, finally.
Sho shivers at the tension between them, closing his eyes. "I love you too."
- + -
Kazu hasn't told anybody that his mother and maybe also his father (probably not since he must be busy with work as usual) might come watch the play. He and Sho are the only ones who know. The happenings around Ohno are much more important now, at least that's what Kazu says and why he asks Sho not to mention it in front of their friend. Nevertheless, when Sho is standing at the side of the stage, watching his boyfriend greeting the audience and opening the play, he can see the recognition on the young man's face. He must have spotted someone familiar. Sho hopes that it's not only Matsumoto that Kazu spots in the audience, but also his mother.
When the young man comes backstage and excitedly tells Ohno who seems to be a bunch of nerves that Matsumoto is sitting in the third row - he must have recognized him from the drawings and photos that Ohno showed him - Sho comes a few steps closer, looking at the young student with questioning eyes.
"Kazu," he whispers, putting his hand on the young man's shoulder hurriedly, knowing that there's not much time left before the other has to go back on stage.
Kazu bites his lips and nods slightly, nervousness visible in his eyes. "She's here," he says and that's enough for Sho to know what the other is talking about. He presses Kazu's shoulder and flashes him an encouraging smile before he retreats, giving the young man the time and space to prepare for his next performance.
The play is fascinating from beginning to end and even if Sho already saw parts of it during the rehearsal phase, seeing the whole thing is even more fascinating and impressive. Everything is on the point, the music, the stage setting, the acting of the several performers. The dialogues are easy to follow and dynamic and Sho can't help but be sure that the play will reach lots of people and make them think, Matsumoto for sure and Kazu's mother too. Kazu has refrained from putting a too clear message at the end, not wanting to impose his own opinion on the topic onto the audience but it's visible that this play is not just telling a simple love story but also a story about losing and finding yourself, about acceptance, respect and giving someone a second chance.
Sho is immensely proud of his boyfriend and his friends when the curtain falls and everyone is backstage. He pulls Kazu into a quick hug to congratulate him, but then, he realizes that Ohno seems troubled. Seems like Matsumoto has left the audience. Sho frowns. He's sure he talked to the man, who he became friends with during the past weeks, about everything and it seemed that Matsumoto is willing to give Ohno a second chance, wanting to tell him after the play. He won't just leave the scene and run away again, Sho is certain.
He looks around, hoping the man might have found his way backstage to fulfil his promise and indeed, he sees Matsumoto standing there, nodding at him as a greeting. Sho smiles encouraging, feeling a load fall off his chest and turns to Kazu and Ohno, Kazu still busy with comforting and encouraging the other, to tell them who's here.
Leaving Ohno and Matsumoto behind finally to talk out things, Sho reaches his hand to Kazu and pulls the other away, guiding him downstairs to the room the students use as dressing room.
"Your mother is still there?" Sho asks as they trail along the corridors.
"Seems so. She was sitting in the back until the very end," the young student answers and Sho can feel his hand slightly trembling in his. He must be nervous.
"I'm sure she's waiting for you, we should go to meet her soon and talk to her," Sho says, earning an insecure look by the other, who finally nods, though. "But maybe you should get dressed first."
Sho can see from the slightly shaking movements of his boyfriend that he's nervous, when he changes into his casual wear and packs his stuff. The other students coming back to the dressing room for changing cheerfully greet them and tell Kazu how awesome the performance was, how much fun they had and Kazu exchanges some compliments with them, obviously embarrassed by the praises. When Higashide asks him if he's coming along for celebrations, as he has gathered a small group of people who want to go eat sushi, he declines and replies that he already has plans with his family... and Sho.
Kazu takes his bag with him and follows Sho upstairs again, reaching for the other's hand, making Sho's heart skip at the cute gesture. He laughs and pulls the other up, until they reach the top of the stairs of the first floor. Smirking, Sho quickly presses Kazu against the wall before the other can even go outside. The cheerful talking from the performance hall and the corridors reaches their ears, but they seem to be alone, undisturbed despite the circumstances.
"Sho," Kazu blushes at the sudden closeness. "This isn't the time for…"
"I'm sorry, I just can't hold back," Sho answers. "I'm so proud of you. For writing this play, for performing, for giving Ohno the chance to make up with Matsumoto and for your willingness to reconcile with your mother."
"And this turns you on?" Kazu chuckles, joking.
"You always turn me on," the other replies, smirking against his ear, causing Kazu to take a deep breath.
The young assistant professor doesn't want to waste more time and so he cups the student's face, sealing his lips with a tender kiss that turns more and more passionate with each brushing of their lips against each other. A voiceless moan escapes from Kazu's lips when the younger closes his eyes and slightly parts his lips to make it easier for his boyfriend to deepen their kiss. Both of them are like in trance, their hands found each other, fingers intertwined, their mouths connected with their sweet proofs of love.
Footsteps resonate behind them but Sho doesn't care. But then, he suddenly feels something - someone - tugging at his shoulders, pulling him back forcefully and he unwillingly lets go off Kazu to turn around and check what's going on.
"You shouldn't kiss at university, pervert!" a female voice hisses.
Surprised - or not as much as he thought he should be - Sho looks straight into the angry, distorted face of a woman. Keiko. She looks angry. Her eyes are shining, as if she's about to cry, she's biting her lower lip and her grip around Sho's arm tightens as she furrows her eyebrows. The young man can feel the jealousy and hate coming from her eyes as she glares at him, and the sadness when her look slightly slides off to Kazu for a second, who just stares at her, wondering.
"Keiko... what are you doing here?" the student finally asks.
"I watched your play," the woman says, adding in a cold voice. "Congratulations."
Kazu doesn't seem to be sure if he shall thank her or not, so he just nods at her, slightly insecurely.
Keiko just stares at them, her look wandering from Sho to Kazu and it's like she wants to say something. Sho starts feeling really uncomfortable. What does she want? He clears his throat and finally addresses her.
"Can we help you somehow, Kitagawa-san?" Sho asks.
Keiko glares at him, angrily, her close pressed lips finally parting. "Give him back," she whispers.
"What?"
"Give him back! I want Nino back!" the woman yells at the other. "I want the relationship that you ruined back!"
"Keiko, what are you talking?!" Kazu exclaims, stepping forward and touching Sho's arm, slightly clinging to the man's shirt. "Sho didn't ruin anything!"
The woman's look falls to the spot where Kazu grabbed Sho's arm and Sho can almost see the fire burning in her eyes. She obviously doesn't approve of this at all.
"He took you away from me... he's the devil. He made you fall for him although you're mine," Keiko murmurs, her voice sounding cold and hurt.
"Our relationship didn't work, that's why I broke up with you," Kazu continues, desperately. "I'm sorry, I didn't intend to hurt you but please, just accept the facts already, will you?"
Still, Keiko's eyes are locked onto Kazu's hand and Sho can somehow feel, that this small, simple touch between them is enough for her to go crazy. He feels his heartbeat rising, feels a shiver running down his spine, coming from the bad misgiving that is intruding his mind suddenly. He slowly reaches up his hand, in order to loosen Kazu's grip but maybe, this was a mistake, making Keiko misinterpret the gesture as the two men trying to hold hands in front of her very eyes, to provoke her.
"I will never accept you two being together!" she finally bursts in anger and then, everything goes very quickly.
The young woman's face looks furious and she jumps forward, her hands reaching for Kazu's and Sho's that were almost touching, and she pushes the two men apart from each other with an insane strength that her thin arms never looked able to produce. Kazu yelps, bending forward a little, following the movement of his hand and Sho, surprised by Keiko's power, stumbles. Stumbles dangerously close to the stairs and then it happens - he slips.
Sho loses his balance and waves his arms when he desperately tries to get hold of something to stabilize. It's Kazu, who then reaches his arms to his boyfriend, stepping forward to catch him, trying to pull him back, but it's already too late and Sho's bodyweight pulls the other man with him. Their bodies tangle as they both crash down the stairs and Sho can feel how Kazu wraps his arms around him, pressing Sho's face against his chest to protect him from getting hurt. The world is upside down and Sho cannot comprehend the situation any longer, just feeling Kazu's heartbeat against his ear and his arms tightening around him. His own left arm hits a step's sharp edge during the fall and Sho cringes, closing his eyes in reflex. Then, he hears Kazu moaning painfully and Keiko screaming in shock as the movement stops.
His heartbeat slamming against his ribcage and his mind puzzled, Sho tries to get back into the situation quickly. His mind is filled with Kazu when he fully realizes what just happens. He snaps his eyes open and finds himself still locked in the other's arms. Kazu isn't moving.
Sho disentangles himself from their embrace, his look focused on his boyfriend, who lies there next to him at the end of the staircase, his eyes closed.
"...Kazu?" Sho asks, his voice a whisper, shaking.
Still, Kazu isn't moving.
The flashback of the motionless, cold body of his lover in his arms overwhelms Sho and makes his stomach feel like it turns upside down. He starts to panic.
Sho bends forward, reaching to cup his boyfriend's face. "Kazu! Hey, Kazu, open your eyes!"
The young man starts patting Kazu's cheeks hurriedly with shaking hands, panic rushing all over his body and mind, but he doesn't receive any reaction from the man lying on the ground. Kazu must have passed out... Sho turns to Keiko, yelling that she should call for help, but the young woman doesn't hear him, staring at Kazu, her face gone white as chalk.
"Nino… Gosh… what... what did I do…," she whispers, clasps her hands in front of her mouth, sinking down to her knees. "I… I didn't want to…"
The woman was just a bunch of nerves and she breaks into tears, her body shaking helplessly. Cursing, Sho focuses on his unconscious boyfriend again and reaches into his pocket to pull out his cell phone, realizing only now that his arm that he hit during the fall hurts pretty badly but he doesn't care, and dials the ambulance's number quickly. His eyes focus on his boyfriend, his heart is racing. He can just hope that he isn’t too seriously hurt and that everything will be fine. After settling the call, Sho clenches Kazu's hand, pressing it tightly, still, there is no reaction from the young man. Maybe, it's just the shock, but Sho's thoughts are running wild, drifting into the most angsty and depressing direction possible. He cannot lose his Kazu, his love. Not again. He wouldn't be able to bear with it. Everything has to be alright. Definitely!
His eyes fill with tears.
Chapter 6 - Last Chapter - Last Part