JE-united surprise fic for arashianelf Part 14/17
Back to Chapter 5 - Part 2
- - + MATSUMOTO JUN + - -
It's been two days now. Two days since Jun left Ohno's apartment, as well as Ohno's life. At least, for now. He didn't look back when he closed the apartment's door. He didn't answer any calls or messages. He just can't. It hurts. So much. He feels betrayed. Betrayed by the one person he fell so deeply in love with that he thought he'd be able to change from the womanizer he was to a loving, future husband. But things went differently. Unexpectedly. And it was a real shock for Jun to see the picture of the future that he built up in his imagination, crumbling down by finding out that the supposed to be woman of his life is everything but a woman...
The young journalist still doesn't really know how he should feel about the situation. He's just immensely confused, about everything he knows. He feels that he is becoming crazy just from thinking about it.
Because of that, he gladly takes the chance that comes out of the blue and volunteers for a business trip to Hokkaido for a couple of weeks as the chief editor of Tokyo Himawari suggests. His friend and colleague Toma looks at him with a puzzled expression, as he lifts his hand without hesitation, obviously he didn't expect the other to be willing to accept this task, especially not at the moment.
As soon as their boss left the scene, the young journalist leans to his friend, whispering.
"What is calling you to Hokkaido now?! I thought you're so happy with your girlfriend, do you really want to leave her alone for weeks now?" Toma asks, a bit concerned. When Jun just continues staring at his screen and doesn't answer, his friend frowns, worrying. "Did something happen?"
Jun parts his lips but it takes him a while until he can find the words to reply. "I... maybe we are not as made for each other as I thought we are..." Still, he doesn't look at his friend.
Toma hums wondering. "Hm... and I thought you finally found the one you want to spend your life with. You were so deeply in love after all."
"Well, things can change, can’t they?" Jun answers after a huge sigh and he's sure he cannot hide the bitterness in his words.
"Come on, tell me!" Toma nudges his colleague's side. "What happened that makes you change your mind so rapidly? Is she so horrible in bed?"
"Toma!" finally, Jun turns to his friend, looking at him indignantly.
"What? I thought that's a criteria for you. Or let me think what else could it be...," the journalist turns in his chair, careful to not spill the obligatory cup of coffee that he's holding.
"Toma, please, don't. Just leave me alone," Jun murmurs, trying to focus on his article again.
"Is she a hysteric religious girl or something? Did she want you to marry her before you have sex? Or does she have some disgusting sickness or anything?" Toma doesn't listen to his co-worker and just keeps on. He chuckles before he voices his next guess. "Or did she turn out to be a guy?"
Jun stops typing. His look on the document freezes. He can feel how he turns pale.
"Matsujun?" Toma asks, his chair stopped and rolled closer to his friend. He lifts his hand, waiving it in front of Jun's face. "Ma-tsu-jun...?" The journalist lowers his hand again. "Don't tell me..."
Then, Jun turns at his friend again, his eyes spitting a mixture of anger, sadness and distress. "I won't tell you anything, just leave me alone, Toma!"
The young man jumps up and leaves his place, murmuring something about taking a five minutes break when Toma calls after him, towards where he's heading. He just needs to get out of here for a moment or... he doesn't know what he will do otherwise. He could smash his computer or he could burst into tears, he couldn’t predict his own actions any longer and it’s scaring him.
Jun doesn't take the elevator but decides to climb the stairs by foot, rushing, to get rid of some of his excess energy that he doesn't know where else to channel. It's lucky that the magazine's office is located just four floors under the rooftop of the tall building and so it's not too far for Jun to reach. However, when he bursts open the door, he's out of breath from running and his lungs are burning. He stumbles forward, closer to the edge of the roof top, hooking his fingers on the wire fence, and directs his look in front of him into the blue sky above the metropolis of Tokyo.
He pulls in the fresh air to fill his lungs again with oxygen and then he lets out a blood curdling scream, not a word, just all of his pain, frustration, despair and confusion bundled in a noise that he didn't even know he'd be able to produce.
When he runs out of air again, his knees give in and he slides down, his fingers' grips loosened and just slightly brushing the wire grid until he sinks to the ground completely, leaning his head against the fence and panting. His heart aches. It aches so much since Saturday and it's a new experience for the man. He clenches his fist and presses it against his chest, his eyes squinted. If Ohno feels the same at this moment?
Jun is in such a deep shit, he doesn't know what to do. So many emotions are hovering in him that his heart and mind cannot decide what he should feel first. He still feels the betrayal as the most prominent emotion, the disappointment in Ohno for lying at him for so long and the disappointment in finding out the truth. The fear that this could bring about an end to a relationship that they built up so sweetly... but he has to be realistic. The fact that Ohno isn't a woman but a man, changes everything. Just everything. It's not only the immense shock he felt when he found out that the person he loves isn't the one he thought she is, also the fact that she - he - is a man, just changes everything.
How can they carry on this relationship, even if they were supposed to be together hundreds of years ago? How can Jun bring himself to love a man the same way he will love a woman, when he's actually a straight man? And he's convinced, he is. He never found a man desirable. Well - until now. But Ohno has blindsided him. Has faked his appearance, has betrayed him. Jun isn't in love with Ohno the man, he is in love with Ohno the woman, a fantasy figure that doesn't exist, not really.
Things are so fucking complicated and Jun is so fucking confused that he just can't take it anymore. His broken heart makes him want to cry and Jun usually isn't the type to cry, not at all. But he cannot hold back any longer and for once he allows himself to set free his sorrow, tear drops falling down to the ground and colouring it in a slightly darker grey for a moment. He sits there, crouching, he, a grown-up man, usually the definition of composure and pride, let's his tears run down his cheeks. For a moment, he wishes he didn't fall in love...
When Jun returns to the office, trying to hide his red shot eyes, Toma gives him a questioning look and immediately rolls closer when the young journalist takes place again in front of his computer. Jun has to suppress the urge of punching his friend in the face, he really does not need him and his comments at the moment... but that is exactly what he gets.
"Dude, that's really not funny...," Toma whispers, sounding more serious than usual. "I just wanted to tease you a little and make a joke but your reaction..."
"Don't dude me, Toma, just shut the fuck up."
Thankfully, his friend doesn't take it personal. "Look, I'm sorry. But I'm your friend and I cannot ignore it when you're dealing with problems," he said instead, insistently.
Jun sighs and the urge to punch his colleague's face disappears in a microsecond. "Sorry."
"So did I actually guess right?! Your Ohno-san is a guy?!" Toma hisses in disbelief.
"Let's not talk about this here at work, please," Jun replies and tries to focus on his work again.
"Fine so after work at dinner in the Italian restaurant across the street? It's on me."
"OK."
- + -
Talking to Toma doesn't help much, unfortunately, but Jun didn't even expect it. His friend is as straight as he is and he totally understands that finding out the woman of your life is actually a man is a huge shock for Jun. It would be a huge shock for most men. With this, Toma's advices, namely "forget about Ohno, find another woman" weren't really helpful.
Actually, Jun tried. Tried to forget about Ohno but that's easier said than done. For some reason, he just can't. He can't forget Ohno's face, Ohno's smile, Ohno's lips, Ohno's hands linking with his arms, the endless calls they exchanged, the dates they went on and all the words they spoke to each other. He can't forget this connection between them, built from a bond that came from the past. He can't forget the stories, dreams that Ohno shared with him, telling him stories about them as a happy couple hundreds of years ago and he cannot forget the feeling of still belonging together.
But his heart and mind are still confused. Too confused to make up his mind. And so, Jun is thankful for the chance to put a bit more distance between him and the situation - not only mentally but also physically.
He arrived at Sapporo, Hokkaido about three weeks ago. Since then, he still didn't exchange any messages or calls with Ohno and soon he noticed that the calls and messages stopped. Well, that's what he expected to happen sooner or later, especially since he is a coward and doesn't answer to them at all, fearing that he wouldn't be able to say anything. Ohno wouldn't run after him forever, would he? Though, Jun isn't completely sure if he's relieved because of that or disappointed. He hates himself for his twisted feelings. If Ohno doesn't try to contact him any longer, it must mean that Ohno has forgotten about him. Or at least gave up. That he is moving on, hopefully. Maybe, he is in love with someone else already. If that's the case, Jun should be happy for him and try to finally move on too, right?
But still, Jun is unable to move on. He tries to occupy his mind with work which works out well most of the time, the project he took over is huge, he's supposed to visit and write about several art exhibitions in town and since he does not have much experienced in art, he has to do quite a lot of research. But frankly, it is art that reminds him of Ohno again and again since the other is an arts student. And remembering those gorgeous sketches of Jun from Ohno's dream diary, doesn't help at all, either.
In the end, Jun's despair reaches a level on which he cannot deal with it any longer. He knows that he cannot ask for help from Toma, he appreciated his friend's encouragement to move on, but this isn't what he wants to hear at the moment. He wants to get another solution, something that might help him to overcome this.
Eventually, he posts his problem in the reincarnation forum that he didn't check since the fiasco with Ohno, depressed and feeling mocked by reincarnation, maybe even starting to slightly doubt the whole thing. But somehow he cannot get away from it completely. Still, no memories. Still, there's the risk of Ohno lying to him regarding this whole soulmate and reincarnation stuff too. But the forum shows that Ohno isn't the only one believing in it. Jun can turn the pages as much as he wants, he still finds himself the same conclusion, that it's possible.
The first reactions to his problem are diverse. Most people - especially those who haven’t found their soulmate yet - feel pity for him and wonder if maybe someone else is his soulmate and if the person he dated was maybe just one step closer to his fate. Others call him a jerk for leaving his partner behind, saying that if gender is what makes Jun change his mind about their love, it's obvious that they aren't meant together and that he should just move on. Still, Jun isn't fully convinced. Still confused, still worried, he buries his face in his hands, sighing deeply.
Then, when Jun opens the forum website again a couple of days later, and finds an unread message in his inbox, he clicks it open immediately, curiously. Maybe someone didn't reply to his topic but found it better to send him a personal message instead. However, the journalist is a bit surprised when he reads the familiar nickname and when he reads how the sender of the message actually addresses him, he's more than surprised.
- - - - - - - - - -
Unread message
From: ShotaS
Subject: Please call me
Matsumoto-san,
I think we have to talk, urgently.
Please call me under the following number: xxxxxxxxx
Sakurai Sho
- - - - - - - - - -
Jun is dumbfounded by this message. So ShotaS is actually someone who knows him. The young man tries to remember the face to the indeed familiar sounding name. Sakurai Sho… Sakurai Sho, from where does he know that name?
Then, he finally remembers. The assistant professor at Seijo, the one who graduated from the same university as he did! Well, knowing him would a bit of a stretch but nevertheless, Jun can't believe this coincidence of meeting someone for real and in such a specialized internet forum at the same time.
It's unbelievable.
- + -
"Yes? Sakurai speaking," Jun hears the voice of the young man on the other end of the line and nervously pulls in some air.
He gulps down the lump forming in his throat before he casually starts the conversation. Well, as casually as he thinks he sounds. "Ah, Sakurai-san? This is Matsumoto. You wanted me to call you, I hope my call isn't at a bad moment."
"Don't worry, it's not, I have time," Sakurai answers. "I'm glad you called."
Jun lets out a slightly insecure chuckle. He doesn't know what is lying ahead of him or what exactly Sakurai wants to talk about. "You know, I can't believe that we actually know each other... well, somehow. The world is small... May I ask how you..."
"I was surprised too and it took me a while to figure out that you're the same person from the forum, but your nickname gave me a hint, your initials, right? And of course the story you told," the other admits.
"True, when we met on Seijo's campus, I introduced myself to you."
Before Jun can continue, Sakurai cuts him in a more serious voice than before. "I'm sorry but I think we have a pretty serious topic to discuss. So I'll go straight to the point, if you don't mind."
"Please go on," Jun confirms, nodding slightly, even if the other cannot see this gesture.
"Actually, I'm a friend of Ohno."
Jun can't believe his ears. "What?!"
And that's not all about it. "I know what happened. Everything. You were talking about Ohno when you wrote those posts in the forum, right?"
"What, wait..., you mean... I mean yes but how do you know about Ohno?" Jun frowns, trying to collect his thoughts. Sakurai knows Ohno?! And if the other man is talking about everything, what exactly does he mean? "What kind of coincidence is that?!"
"No coincidence," Sakurai replies. "I believe, it's fate. Not only you and Ohno, all of us are connected somehow."
"All of us?" Jun asks, wondering who Sakurai is talking about.
"You said you don't remember your previous life yet, right? But we - that means Ohno, myself and my boyfriend Kazu - we more or less do remember our past and we are convinced that the four of us were connected in the past too," the young man continues explaining.
"Tell me more about it," Jun asks, getting curious.
"All of us only have fragments of memories so maybe we don't know everything but I believe that between us, we got a pretty good picture of the whole thing," Sakurai starts. "You were a young lord back then, right? In fact, I was too. In another area of Japan but we knew each other and I believe we were friends, companions, even over the distance. Maybe we fought side by side in a war once or something. However, when you married Ohno, I was invited to your wedding. I brought along my partner - Kazu - who was working as my servant at that time and this is how you and Ohno got to know him too. We believe that Ohno and Kazu became friends during that time and even now they are connected through a wonderful friendship."
"Seriously, this sounds like a movie...," the journalist massages his forehead with one hand, as if it would make things easier to process.
"Well, life writes the most interesting stories, doesn't it?" Sakurai states.
"So you know what happened...," Jun repeats, knowing that this is what they really need to talk about. "That means you also know why I left Ohno behind," the young man still feels the pain of the memory popping up his mind.
"Yes, I know everything about it, as I told you. I know why you left but I don't know why you don't contact Ohno at all since then. To be honest, the guy was devastated. You can't imagine what he went through because of you..."
Jun's heart cringed at those words. So Ohno has been suffering too... well, if he thinks about it, trying to put himself in Ohno's shoes, it makes sense, doesn't it? After all, Ohno was already desperate at the time when Jun left, even if Ohno's reaction wasn't as significant in Jun's mind like his own. He might have missed some things due to the shock and the clouded mind he had back then. However, Sakurai's words make him worried.
"What do you mean?" he asks, risking that he might sound silly.
"Ohno thinks that you might hate him and that he messed up everything. You must know - deep inside - that the guy didn't have anything bad in mind. He's as much in love with you as you were, if not more. When you left, he wanted to die," the man on the phone explains in a low voice.
Jun clasps his hand in front of his lips. "My Gosh...," he murmurs, and he doesn't care if Sakurai hears him or not. "I - I don't know what... oh my Gosh..."
"I'm not telling you this to blame you, Matsumoto-san," Sakurai continues. "I'm telling you this to show you how sincere he is. I bet you're hurt because he lied to you, right? Or are you just disgusted because he's a man? I don't think that you're such a shallow person though..."
"Of course not!" Jun bursts out, surprised by his reaction but this is how he feels at the moment. "He's not... disgusting... it's just... I was so shocked. He lied to me. And then it's something like this! It just changes everything, you know?"
"I can just imagine how you felt about that, to be honest. And I can understand your reaction to some degree. However, I want to tell you that if Ohno didn't sincerely love you, he might not have done this. He cared about your relationship, he wanted to be a woman for you. He's genderqueer, for him it wasn't such a big deal if he's a man or woman because mentally, he is both."
"I - I know," Jun whispers. Ohno told him this. And he thought about it. And yes, he even appreciates Ohno's efforts to act like a woman as best as he could. Even if it didn't change the fact that he got betrayed. Or the fact, that Ohno physically is still a man... "It's complicated..."
"Maybe, you're the only one making this complicated," Sakurai says and Jun snorts, surprised by the other's frankness.
"Don't you think it's easy for you to say? You know, I can't love a man, I'm straight! You're gay, aren't you? Can you love a woman?!" he asks, challenging the other to put himself in his shoes.
However, contrary to Jun's expectations, Sakurai doesn't even hesitate before answering boldly. "If the soul of the one I love is born into a woman's body, then yes, I will love that woman."
Jun shakes his head, his heart cringing. If this is really true, then Sakurai must be either bi or he's worthy of deep admiration. "How... how can you be so sure about that?"
"I'm confident in our love, that's why."
"Confident in your love?"
"Yes. I think that our souls are more important than our bodies. I'm confident that no matter in which form we are reborn, as long as we meet in our life, we'll find each other over and over until the end of times," the man says, and Jun can feel that he really means it. "And you should think so too. Your love overcame death after all, isn't that a miracle on its own? It's fate. You belong together, no matter what."
Jun envies Sakurai. He envies him for being able to think like this. Why can't he think like this? What is blocking his mind? "But... but what if fate messes up this time? If I really believe all this, then Ohno and I were a married couple, a man and a woman. Why can't we be just like that again in this life?" he asks desperately.
"I'm sorry to say that but maybe... this is just a theory of us, but maybe, your old self messed up your karma."
"Messed up my karma?!" Jun can't believe his ears. "What do you mean?"
"Do you remember Ohno-san's dreams? I'm sure he told you everything. And Kazu's short story? I'm sure you read that one too, didn't you?"
Jun frowns. "Wait, your Kazu is... Ninomiya Kazunari?"
"Exactly."
OK, the puzzle is clearing up also to him a bit more now. "Well, I indeed read that short story... Why?"
"Didn't your old self commit suicide after Ohno died in the flames?" Sakurai asks.
The journalist remembers that - even if pretty short - passage in said short story. It's true, the samurai in the story ended his life and that ended the story. "... Apparently, yes."
"There you go," the other man says as if it should explain everything.
"So you think my suicide fucked up my karma?! Even if I committed suicide out of love?!" this is turning into something absurd. Or not. Jun feels mocked. "How nice!"
"Think about it," Sakurai continues. "Would Ohno have wished for you to die after she died? I'm sure, the answer is no. Ohno wanted you to live a happy life even without her but you didn't even give yourself a chance to recover and just followed her into death."
"Some people would call that romantic...," Jun answers desperately.
"Maybe, fate isn't romantic," the other states strictly. "It can be cruel. But it gives second chances, obviously. And now, I think that fate wants to challenge you. To test you. See if you're really still meant to be together."
"Fate is a fucking bitch, if you ask me!"
"Yeah, tell me! My beloved got killed by my wife in our past life!" Sakurai joins his lament.
Wait... what did he say? "Your wife?!"
"Ah... that's a long and complicated story..."
"I'm all ears," Jun says challenging and he's glad he doesn't have any plans for the evening because the story Sakurai is about to tell him will take quite some time to be told.
- + -
"Give me your current address. You will receive an invitation by Ohno for a play," Sakurai tells Jun when he calls him the next time, just about one week later. "They almost finished preparations, it will be on stage soon."
"Eh? A kabuki performance? Isn't the ensemble still in hiatus at the moment?" Jun asks surprised. He remembers that he read that after another few more Akatsuki performances the ensemble will concentrate on practising for a new performance.
"No, this is a theatre play from Seijo's theatre club. Ohno is part of it and Kazu is in charge of the scripts. Those two and the whole club worked their ass off to come up with this play. It's something really important, not only for them. It will also be important for you."
"I'll send you my address via LINE," Jun says before they end the call.
Jun sighs and stops in front of the shop window he's passing right now. It's a Saturday, his work on the project for the magazine is waiting in his hotel room but he's good on time, he will meet the deadline without any trouble, so he can relax a bit. He was on a stroll when Sakurai called him, trying to free his mind, trying to tidy the chaos that still exists inside his head. He's wandering through Sapporo, enjoying the afternoon sun, watching the people making their way through the streets, going shopping, going to eat some sweets with their children or meeting with friends in cafes.
The journalist let his eyes wander over the dress the mannequin in the shop window is wearing. It's a blue dress and it reminds him of Ohno, of their date in Ohno's apartment. Ohno looked stunning that day, even more than usual, her brown hair in beautiful waves, her slight, natural make up underlining the beauty of her eyes. Her smile brightened Jun's mind the moment he saw her and wearing that beautiful blue dress combined with that nice necklace, it has been breathtaking. The memory still was. The memory of her - no, him.
Jun frowns again, sighing. He tries to remember how Ohno looked like as a guy, knowing that he saw him like that only once, for a few minutes, on the campus. He tries to find out if he felt just the tiniest little bit attracted by him back then. Just a hint, a small trace, a blink of hope.
He has to admit that he has been so blinded by the image of Ohno Satoko that no other person looked interesting to him back then. He cannot remember clearly, but Ohno's male self most likely must have fallen into that category too. Jun suddenly wonders how Ohno felt back then when they met on the campus, and Jun didn't recognize him. Did Ohno find it cruel? Or was he relieved?
Anyway, Jun feels guilty about it. Why hasn't he paid more attention? How could he have been so blind? If he recognized Ohno at that time, wouldn't he have been able to save both of them from a lot of disappointment? They wouldn't have started dating, probably, they wouldn't have gotten to know each other so well, they wouldn't have fallen in love. Or was it too late by that moment already, anyway? And does Jun really want to miss all those happy memories from when they were dating? Isn't that why he's mourning now, why he wishes Ohno could be what he thought he is?
Jun has tried to find out what he wants. What he can do. Where his limits are. He thought about all this genderqueerness, thought about what it means to be straight or gay, or genderqueer, just like Ohno. He would be lying if he says that he can really imagine how the other feels. Because the truth is, he just can't. Though, he can finally say that he might be able to understand what it feels to love a person as a person, no matter what sexuality you might have. Love between friends, or family, aren't that much different after all. There exist so many different forms of love in this world, not bothered with things such as status, age or gender, the possibilities are endless. It's true that some forms of love don't include the erotic side of love. It isn't always needed. But for a couple in a love relationship though, Jun thinks that it's needed, if not essential. Because it brings their love to a whole new level, it represents an intimacy that cannot be shared with other people. Combined with love this intimacy is the proof of everything. Of shared happiness, of trust, of support, of love.
The journalist has tried to find out the limits of his sexuality. He has been on a date with a woman at the beginning of this week, has spent a nice evening in a restaurant with her, even kissed her good bye. It felt different from kissing Ohno, it felt more like kissing all those other women he kissed before Ohno. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't Ohno, Jun thought, wondering if he's still mourning Satoko so much that he cannot forget her. However, he couldn't bring himself to take that woman with him upstairs to the hotel room which he's living in currently to go a step further. He feels like it would be like betraying Ohno and for some reason, he doesn't want that.
Jun tried the same with a man he hooked up on a dating app two days later, openly telling him that it was just for an experiment, asking him if he would be willing to help him to figure out something that troubles him. The guy agreed on the premise that Jun pays for their dinner, which is the least that he can do, the journalist thinks. They spent a nice evening in a restaurant, the man walked Jun home until to the front of the hotel. Of course, Jun didn't take that guy upstairs with him either but there in front of the hotel, the man kissed him good bye.
To his surprise, Jun didn't find it disgusting. He thought he would, but in fact, the kiss didn't feel that much different from any other kiss he shared with a woman so far. He couldn't say that he disliked it. However, it didn't feel the same as kissing Ohno.
In Jun's mind, no matter how he tries to forget it, kissing Ohno is still the best. Ohno's kiss is still the kiss he's yearning for, Jun has to admit but still, he's confused about it. What does this mean? Is he just mourning the memory? Can he forget the woman, Ohno? Does the fact that Ohno isn't a woman really change the fact that his heart still belongs to Ohno?
Well... what, if it doesn't change anything?
- - + MATSUMOTO JUN + - -
It's been two days now. Two days since Jun left Ohno's apartment, as well as Ohno's life. At least, for now. He didn't look back when he closed the apartment's door. He didn't answer any calls or messages. He just can't. It hurts. So much. He feels betrayed. Betrayed by the one person he fell so deeply in love with that he thought he'd be able to change from the womanizer he was to a loving, future husband. But things went differently. Unexpectedly. And it was a real shock for Jun to see the picture of the future that he built up in his imagination, crumbling down by finding out that the supposed to be woman of his life is everything but a woman...
The young journalist still doesn't really know how he should feel about the situation. He's just immensely confused, about everything he knows. He feels that he is becoming crazy just from thinking about it.
Because of that, he gladly takes the chance that comes out of the blue and volunteers for a business trip to Hokkaido for a couple of weeks as the chief editor of Tokyo Himawari suggests. His friend and colleague Toma looks at him with a puzzled expression, as he lifts his hand without hesitation, obviously he didn't expect the other to be willing to accept this task, especially not at the moment.
As soon as their boss left the scene, the young journalist leans to his friend, whispering.
"What is calling you to Hokkaido now?! I thought you're so happy with your girlfriend, do you really want to leave her alone for weeks now?" Toma asks, a bit concerned. When Jun just continues staring at his screen and doesn't answer, his friend frowns, worrying. "Did something happen?"
Jun parts his lips but it takes him a while until he can find the words to reply. "I... maybe we are not as made for each other as I thought we are..." Still, he doesn't look at his friend.
Toma hums wondering. "Hm... and I thought you finally found the one you want to spend your life with. You were so deeply in love after all."
"Well, things can change, can’t they?" Jun answers after a huge sigh and he's sure he cannot hide the bitterness in his words.
"Come on, tell me!" Toma nudges his colleague's side. "What happened that makes you change your mind so rapidly? Is she so horrible in bed?"
"Toma!" finally, Jun turns to his friend, looking at him indignantly.
"What? I thought that's a criteria for you. Or let me think what else could it be...," the journalist turns in his chair, careful to not spill the obligatory cup of coffee that he's holding.
"Toma, please, don't. Just leave me alone," Jun murmurs, trying to focus on his article again.
"Is she a hysteric religious girl or something? Did she want you to marry her before you have sex? Or does she have some disgusting sickness or anything?" Toma doesn't listen to his co-worker and just keeps on. He chuckles before he voices his next guess. "Or did she turn out to be a guy?"
Jun stops typing. His look on the document freezes. He can feel how he turns pale.
"Matsujun?" Toma asks, his chair stopped and rolled closer to his friend. He lifts his hand, waiving it in front of Jun's face. "Ma-tsu-jun...?" The journalist lowers his hand again. "Don't tell me..."
Then, Jun turns at his friend again, his eyes spitting a mixture of anger, sadness and distress. "I won't tell you anything, just leave me alone, Toma!"
The young man jumps up and leaves his place, murmuring something about taking a five minutes break when Toma calls after him, towards where he's heading. He just needs to get out of here for a moment or... he doesn't know what he will do otherwise. He could smash his computer or he could burst into tears, he couldn’t predict his own actions any longer and it’s scaring him.
Jun doesn't take the elevator but decides to climb the stairs by foot, rushing, to get rid of some of his excess energy that he doesn't know where else to channel. It's lucky that the magazine's office is located just four floors under the rooftop of the tall building and so it's not too far for Jun to reach. However, when he bursts open the door, he's out of breath from running and his lungs are burning. He stumbles forward, closer to the edge of the roof top, hooking his fingers on the wire fence, and directs his look in front of him into the blue sky above the metropolis of Tokyo.
He pulls in the fresh air to fill his lungs again with oxygen and then he lets out a blood curdling scream, not a word, just all of his pain, frustration, despair and confusion bundled in a noise that he didn't even know he'd be able to produce.
When he runs out of air again, his knees give in and he slides down, his fingers' grips loosened and just slightly brushing the wire grid until he sinks to the ground completely, leaning his head against the fence and panting. His heart aches. It aches so much since Saturday and it's a new experience for the man. He clenches his fist and presses it against his chest, his eyes squinted. If Ohno feels the same at this moment?
Jun is in such a deep shit, he doesn't know what to do. So many emotions are hovering in him that his heart and mind cannot decide what he should feel first. He still feels the betrayal as the most prominent emotion, the disappointment in Ohno for lying at him for so long and the disappointment in finding out the truth. The fear that this could bring about an end to a relationship that they built up so sweetly... but he has to be realistic. The fact that Ohno isn't a woman but a man, changes everything. Just everything. It's not only the immense shock he felt when he found out that the person he loves isn't the one he thought she is, also the fact that she - he - is a man, just changes everything.
How can they carry on this relationship, even if they were supposed to be together hundreds of years ago? How can Jun bring himself to love a man the same way he will love a woman, when he's actually a straight man? And he's convinced, he is. He never found a man desirable. Well - until now. But Ohno has blindsided him. Has faked his appearance, has betrayed him. Jun isn't in love with Ohno the man, he is in love with Ohno the woman, a fantasy figure that doesn't exist, not really.
Things are so fucking complicated and Jun is so fucking confused that he just can't take it anymore. His broken heart makes him want to cry and Jun usually isn't the type to cry, not at all. But he cannot hold back any longer and for once he allows himself to set free his sorrow, tear drops falling down to the ground and colouring it in a slightly darker grey for a moment. He sits there, crouching, he, a grown-up man, usually the definition of composure and pride, let's his tears run down his cheeks. For a moment, he wishes he didn't fall in love...
When Jun returns to the office, trying to hide his red shot eyes, Toma gives him a questioning look and immediately rolls closer when the young journalist takes place again in front of his computer. Jun has to suppress the urge of punching his friend in the face, he really does not need him and his comments at the moment... but that is exactly what he gets.
"Dude, that's really not funny...," Toma whispers, sounding more serious than usual. "I just wanted to tease you a little and make a joke but your reaction..."
"Don't dude me, Toma, just shut the fuck up."
Thankfully, his friend doesn't take it personal. "Look, I'm sorry. But I'm your friend and I cannot ignore it when you're dealing with problems," he said instead, insistently.
Jun sighs and the urge to punch his colleague's face disappears in a microsecond. "Sorry."
"So did I actually guess right?! Your Ohno-san is a guy?!" Toma hisses in disbelief.
"Let's not talk about this here at work, please," Jun replies and tries to focus on his work again.
"Fine so after work at dinner in the Italian restaurant across the street? It's on me."
"OK."
- + -
Talking to Toma doesn't help much, unfortunately, but Jun didn't even expect it. His friend is as straight as he is and he totally understands that finding out the woman of your life is actually a man is a huge shock for Jun. It would be a huge shock for most men. With this, Toma's advices, namely "forget about Ohno, find another woman" weren't really helpful.
Actually, Jun tried. Tried to forget about Ohno but that's easier said than done. For some reason, he just can't. He can't forget Ohno's face, Ohno's smile, Ohno's lips, Ohno's hands linking with his arms, the endless calls they exchanged, the dates they went on and all the words they spoke to each other. He can't forget this connection between them, built from a bond that came from the past. He can't forget the stories, dreams that Ohno shared with him, telling him stories about them as a happy couple hundreds of years ago and he cannot forget the feeling of still belonging together.
But his heart and mind are still confused. Too confused to make up his mind. And so, Jun is thankful for the chance to put a bit more distance between him and the situation - not only mentally but also physically.
He arrived at Sapporo, Hokkaido about three weeks ago. Since then, he still didn't exchange any messages or calls with Ohno and soon he noticed that the calls and messages stopped. Well, that's what he expected to happen sooner or later, especially since he is a coward and doesn't answer to them at all, fearing that he wouldn't be able to say anything. Ohno wouldn't run after him forever, would he? Though, Jun isn't completely sure if he's relieved because of that or disappointed. He hates himself for his twisted feelings. If Ohno doesn't try to contact him any longer, it must mean that Ohno has forgotten about him. Or at least gave up. That he is moving on, hopefully. Maybe, he is in love with someone else already. If that's the case, Jun should be happy for him and try to finally move on too, right?
But still, Jun is unable to move on. He tries to occupy his mind with work which works out well most of the time, the project he took over is huge, he's supposed to visit and write about several art exhibitions in town and since he does not have much experienced in art, he has to do quite a lot of research. But frankly, it is art that reminds him of Ohno again and again since the other is an arts student. And remembering those gorgeous sketches of Jun from Ohno's dream diary, doesn't help at all, either.
In the end, Jun's despair reaches a level on which he cannot deal with it any longer. He knows that he cannot ask for help from Toma, he appreciated his friend's encouragement to move on, but this isn't what he wants to hear at the moment. He wants to get another solution, something that might help him to overcome this.
Eventually, he posts his problem in the reincarnation forum that he didn't check since the fiasco with Ohno, depressed and feeling mocked by reincarnation, maybe even starting to slightly doubt the whole thing. But somehow he cannot get away from it completely. Still, no memories. Still, there's the risk of Ohno lying to him regarding this whole soulmate and reincarnation stuff too. But the forum shows that Ohno isn't the only one believing in it. Jun can turn the pages as much as he wants, he still finds himself the same conclusion, that it's possible.
The first reactions to his problem are diverse. Most people - especially those who haven’t found their soulmate yet - feel pity for him and wonder if maybe someone else is his soulmate and if the person he dated was maybe just one step closer to his fate. Others call him a jerk for leaving his partner behind, saying that if gender is what makes Jun change his mind about their love, it's obvious that they aren't meant together and that he should just move on. Still, Jun isn't fully convinced. Still confused, still worried, he buries his face in his hands, sighing deeply.
Then, when Jun opens the forum website again a couple of days later, and finds an unread message in his inbox, he clicks it open immediately, curiously. Maybe someone didn't reply to his topic but found it better to send him a personal message instead. However, the journalist is a bit surprised when he reads the familiar nickname and when he reads how the sender of the message actually addresses him, he's more than surprised.
- - - - - - - - - -
Unread message
From: ShotaS
Subject: Please call me
Matsumoto-san,
I think we have to talk, urgently.
Please call me under the following number: xxxxxxxxx
Sakurai Sho
- - - - - - - - - -
Jun is dumbfounded by this message. So ShotaS is actually someone who knows him. The young man tries to remember the face to the indeed familiar sounding name. Sakurai Sho… Sakurai Sho, from where does he know that name?
Then, he finally remembers. The assistant professor at Seijo, the one who graduated from the same university as he did! Well, knowing him would a bit of a stretch but nevertheless, Jun can't believe this coincidence of meeting someone for real and in such a specialized internet forum at the same time.
It's unbelievable.
- + -
"Yes? Sakurai speaking," Jun hears the voice of the young man on the other end of the line and nervously pulls in some air.
He gulps down the lump forming in his throat before he casually starts the conversation. Well, as casually as he thinks he sounds. "Ah, Sakurai-san? This is Matsumoto. You wanted me to call you, I hope my call isn't at a bad moment."
"Don't worry, it's not, I have time," Sakurai answers. "I'm glad you called."
Jun lets out a slightly insecure chuckle. He doesn't know what is lying ahead of him or what exactly Sakurai wants to talk about. "You know, I can't believe that we actually know each other... well, somehow. The world is small... May I ask how you..."
"I was surprised too and it took me a while to figure out that you're the same person from the forum, but your nickname gave me a hint, your initials, right? And of course the story you told," the other admits.
"True, when we met on Seijo's campus, I introduced myself to you."
Before Jun can continue, Sakurai cuts him in a more serious voice than before. "I'm sorry but I think we have a pretty serious topic to discuss. So I'll go straight to the point, if you don't mind."
"Please go on," Jun confirms, nodding slightly, even if the other cannot see this gesture.
"Actually, I'm a friend of Ohno."
Jun can't believe his ears. "What?!"
And that's not all about it. "I know what happened. Everything. You were talking about Ohno when you wrote those posts in the forum, right?"
"What, wait..., you mean... I mean yes but how do you know about Ohno?" Jun frowns, trying to collect his thoughts. Sakurai knows Ohno?! And if the other man is talking about everything, what exactly does he mean? "What kind of coincidence is that?!"
"No coincidence," Sakurai replies. "I believe, it's fate. Not only you and Ohno, all of us are connected somehow."
"All of us?" Jun asks, wondering who Sakurai is talking about.
"You said you don't remember your previous life yet, right? But we - that means Ohno, myself and my boyfriend Kazu - we more or less do remember our past and we are convinced that the four of us were connected in the past too," the young man continues explaining.
"Tell me more about it," Jun asks, getting curious.
"All of us only have fragments of memories so maybe we don't know everything but I believe that between us, we got a pretty good picture of the whole thing," Sakurai starts. "You were a young lord back then, right? In fact, I was too. In another area of Japan but we knew each other and I believe we were friends, companions, even over the distance. Maybe we fought side by side in a war once or something. However, when you married Ohno, I was invited to your wedding. I brought along my partner - Kazu - who was working as my servant at that time and this is how you and Ohno got to know him too. We believe that Ohno and Kazu became friends during that time and even now they are connected through a wonderful friendship."
"Seriously, this sounds like a movie...," the journalist massages his forehead with one hand, as if it would make things easier to process.
"Well, life writes the most interesting stories, doesn't it?" Sakurai states.
"So you know what happened...," Jun repeats, knowing that this is what they really need to talk about. "That means you also know why I left Ohno behind," the young man still feels the pain of the memory popping up his mind.
"Yes, I know everything about it, as I told you. I know why you left but I don't know why you don't contact Ohno at all since then. To be honest, the guy was devastated. You can't imagine what he went through because of you..."
Jun's heart cringed at those words. So Ohno has been suffering too... well, if he thinks about it, trying to put himself in Ohno's shoes, it makes sense, doesn't it? After all, Ohno was already desperate at the time when Jun left, even if Ohno's reaction wasn't as significant in Jun's mind like his own. He might have missed some things due to the shock and the clouded mind he had back then. However, Sakurai's words make him worried.
"What do you mean?" he asks, risking that he might sound silly.
"Ohno thinks that you might hate him and that he messed up everything. You must know - deep inside - that the guy didn't have anything bad in mind. He's as much in love with you as you were, if not more. When you left, he wanted to die," the man on the phone explains in a low voice.
Jun clasps his hand in front of his lips. "My Gosh...," he murmurs, and he doesn't care if Sakurai hears him or not. "I - I don't know what... oh my Gosh..."
"I'm not telling you this to blame you, Matsumoto-san," Sakurai continues. "I'm telling you this to show you how sincere he is. I bet you're hurt because he lied to you, right? Or are you just disgusted because he's a man? I don't think that you're such a shallow person though..."
"Of course not!" Jun bursts out, surprised by his reaction but this is how he feels at the moment. "He's not... disgusting... it's just... I was so shocked. He lied to me. And then it's something like this! It just changes everything, you know?"
"I can just imagine how you felt about that, to be honest. And I can understand your reaction to some degree. However, I want to tell you that if Ohno didn't sincerely love you, he might not have done this. He cared about your relationship, he wanted to be a woman for you. He's genderqueer, for him it wasn't such a big deal if he's a man or woman because mentally, he is both."
"I - I know," Jun whispers. Ohno told him this. And he thought about it. And yes, he even appreciates Ohno's efforts to act like a woman as best as he could. Even if it didn't change the fact that he got betrayed. Or the fact, that Ohno physically is still a man... "It's complicated..."
"Maybe, you're the only one making this complicated," Sakurai says and Jun snorts, surprised by the other's frankness.
"Don't you think it's easy for you to say? You know, I can't love a man, I'm straight! You're gay, aren't you? Can you love a woman?!" he asks, challenging the other to put himself in his shoes.
However, contrary to Jun's expectations, Sakurai doesn't even hesitate before answering boldly. "If the soul of the one I love is born into a woman's body, then yes, I will love that woman."
Jun shakes his head, his heart cringing. If this is really true, then Sakurai must be either bi or he's worthy of deep admiration. "How... how can you be so sure about that?"
"I'm confident in our love, that's why."
"Confident in your love?"
"Yes. I think that our souls are more important than our bodies. I'm confident that no matter in which form we are reborn, as long as we meet in our life, we'll find each other over and over until the end of times," the man says, and Jun can feel that he really means it. "And you should think so too. Your love overcame death after all, isn't that a miracle on its own? It's fate. You belong together, no matter what."
Jun envies Sakurai. He envies him for being able to think like this. Why can't he think like this? What is blocking his mind? "But... but what if fate messes up this time? If I really believe all this, then Ohno and I were a married couple, a man and a woman. Why can't we be just like that again in this life?" he asks desperately.
"I'm sorry to say that but maybe... this is just a theory of us, but maybe, your old self messed up your karma."
"Messed up my karma?!" Jun can't believe his ears. "What do you mean?"
"Do you remember Ohno-san's dreams? I'm sure he told you everything. And Kazu's short story? I'm sure you read that one too, didn't you?"
Jun frowns. "Wait, your Kazu is... Ninomiya Kazunari?"
"Exactly."
OK, the puzzle is clearing up also to him a bit more now. "Well, I indeed read that short story... Why?"
"Didn't your old self commit suicide after Ohno died in the flames?" Sakurai asks.
The journalist remembers that - even if pretty short - passage in said short story. It's true, the samurai in the story ended his life and that ended the story. "... Apparently, yes."
"There you go," the other man says as if it should explain everything.
"So you think my suicide fucked up my karma?! Even if I committed suicide out of love?!" this is turning into something absurd. Or not. Jun feels mocked. "How nice!"
"Think about it," Sakurai continues. "Would Ohno have wished for you to die after she died? I'm sure, the answer is no. Ohno wanted you to live a happy life even without her but you didn't even give yourself a chance to recover and just followed her into death."
"Some people would call that romantic...," Jun answers desperately.
"Maybe, fate isn't romantic," the other states strictly. "It can be cruel. But it gives second chances, obviously. And now, I think that fate wants to challenge you. To test you. See if you're really still meant to be together."
"Fate is a fucking bitch, if you ask me!"
"Yeah, tell me! My beloved got killed by my wife in our past life!" Sakurai joins his lament.
Wait... what did he say? "Your wife?!"
"Ah... that's a long and complicated story..."
"I'm all ears," Jun says challenging and he's glad he doesn't have any plans for the evening because the story Sakurai is about to tell him will take quite some time to be told.
- + -
"Give me your current address. You will receive an invitation by Ohno for a play," Sakurai tells Jun when he calls him the next time, just about one week later. "They almost finished preparations, it will be on stage soon."
"Eh? A kabuki performance? Isn't the ensemble still in hiatus at the moment?" Jun asks surprised. He remembers that he read that after another few more Akatsuki performances the ensemble will concentrate on practising for a new performance.
"No, this is a theatre play from Seijo's theatre club. Ohno is part of it and Kazu is in charge of the scripts. Those two and the whole club worked their ass off to come up with this play. It's something really important, not only for them. It will also be important for you."
"I'll send you my address via LINE," Jun says before they end the call.
Jun sighs and stops in front of the shop window he's passing right now. It's a Saturday, his work on the project for the magazine is waiting in his hotel room but he's good on time, he will meet the deadline without any trouble, so he can relax a bit. He was on a stroll when Sakurai called him, trying to free his mind, trying to tidy the chaos that still exists inside his head. He's wandering through Sapporo, enjoying the afternoon sun, watching the people making their way through the streets, going shopping, going to eat some sweets with their children or meeting with friends in cafes.
The journalist let his eyes wander over the dress the mannequin in the shop window is wearing. It's a blue dress and it reminds him of Ohno, of their date in Ohno's apartment. Ohno looked stunning that day, even more than usual, her brown hair in beautiful waves, her slight, natural make up underlining the beauty of her eyes. Her smile brightened Jun's mind the moment he saw her and wearing that beautiful blue dress combined with that nice necklace, it has been breathtaking. The memory still was. The memory of her - no, him.
Jun frowns again, sighing. He tries to remember how Ohno looked like as a guy, knowing that he saw him like that only once, for a few minutes, on the campus. He tries to find out if he felt just the tiniest little bit attracted by him back then. Just a hint, a small trace, a blink of hope.
He has to admit that he has been so blinded by the image of Ohno Satoko that no other person looked interesting to him back then. He cannot remember clearly, but Ohno's male self most likely must have fallen into that category too. Jun suddenly wonders how Ohno felt back then when they met on the campus, and Jun didn't recognize him. Did Ohno find it cruel? Or was he relieved?
Anyway, Jun feels guilty about it. Why hasn't he paid more attention? How could he have been so blind? If he recognized Ohno at that time, wouldn't he have been able to save both of them from a lot of disappointment? They wouldn't have started dating, probably, they wouldn't have gotten to know each other so well, they wouldn't have fallen in love. Or was it too late by that moment already, anyway? And does Jun really want to miss all those happy memories from when they were dating? Isn't that why he's mourning now, why he wishes Ohno could be what he thought he is?
Jun has tried to find out what he wants. What he can do. Where his limits are. He thought about all this genderqueerness, thought about what it means to be straight or gay, or genderqueer, just like Ohno. He would be lying if he says that he can really imagine how the other feels. Because the truth is, he just can't. Though, he can finally say that he might be able to understand what it feels to love a person as a person, no matter what sexuality you might have. Love between friends, or family, aren't that much different after all. There exist so many different forms of love in this world, not bothered with things such as status, age or gender, the possibilities are endless. It's true that some forms of love don't include the erotic side of love. It isn't always needed. But for a couple in a love relationship though, Jun thinks that it's needed, if not essential. Because it brings their love to a whole new level, it represents an intimacy that cannot be shared with other people. Combined with love this intimacy is the proof of everything. Of shared happiness, of trust, of support, of love.
The journalist has tried to find out the limits of his sexuality. He has been on a date with a woman at the beginning of this week, has spent a nice evening in a restaurant with her, even kissed her good bye. It felt different from kissing Ohno, it felt more like kissing all those other women he kissed before Ohno. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't Ohno, Jun thought, wondering if he's still mourning Satoko so much that he cannot forget her. However, he couldn't bring himself to take that woman with him upstairs to the hotel room which he's living in currently to go a step further. He feels like it would be like betraying Ohno and for some reason, he doesn't want that.
Jun tried the same with a man he hooked up on a dating app two days later, openly telling him that it was just for an experiment, asking him if he would be willing to help him to figure out something that troubles him. The guy agreed on the premise that Jun pays for their dinner, which is the least that he can do, the journalist thinks. They spent a nice evening in a restaurant, the man walked Jun home until to the front of the hotel. Of course, Jun didn't take that guy upstairs with him either but there in front of the hotel, the man kissed him good bye.
To his surprise, Jun didn't find it disgusting. He thought he would, but in fact, the kiss didn't feel that much different from any other kiss he shared with a woman so far. He couldn't say that he disliked it. However, it didn't feel the same as kissing Ohno.
In Jun's mind, no matter how he tries to forget it, kissing Ohno is still the best. Ohno's kiss is still the kiss he's yearning for, Jun has to admit but still, he's confused about it. What does this mean? Is he just mourning the memory? Can he forget the woman, Ohno? Does the fact that Ohno isn't a woman really change the fact that his heart still belongs to Ohno?
Well... what, if it doesn't change anything?