Treat yo' self...
I realized it had been a very long while since I had updated. There have been times where I have wanted to write, but then the motivation left me. I purposefully packed my laptop for this trip so I could sit in the quiet and update this journal.
Many things have happened since I last updated. Indeed, Pop passed, and we're planning for the memorial this Saturday. It continues to make me sad and I miss him greatly. I did not bake for over six weeks because whenever I went to turn on the oven, I'd have this overwhelming sense of grief. My parents' birthday packages were late because I couldn't bake- I'd always make goods for Fidget and myself, then a little for my parents, and then a few set aside to take to Pop the next time we saw him. Not having to take them to him made me stop in my tracks. I was finally able to bake, but I still grieve occasionally. I filled out post cards and mailed them yesterday, but had a moment of loss because I wasn't sending them to him this time.
Our friend moved in with us in mid-January and we've been adjusting to having a roommate. I'm happy we are able to help her, but occasionally I struggle with her behavior because I cannot relate to what she is going through. It's helped having another person in our struggle, though. And an extra pair of hands to help with household chores.
I feel as though we kind of bounced into Rehoboth, which is where I am now and how we planned to spend a portion of our vacation. Since Fidget actually gets a Spring Break, I decided to use leave from Volcano Harbor and actually force us to take a vacation. Originally, it was going to be this elaborate trip, getting a cabin in Tennessee, then seeing my parents in Florida and swinging through Georgia to see Bluejay. The whole thing would have been tiring, but the more valid concern was for Onyx. I didn't think a minimum of 2,000 miles would be good for him when parts are somewhat rickety and plane tickets would not have been an option. So I found this little hotel in Rehoboth, a place I've always wanted to go to but never been, and then we started trying to plan around it. I bought four groupons; ironically, three of them have now been refunded.
I guess my ability to plan has been somewhat compromised.
I left the office really late Friday amid an argument that had continued to brew between myself and Fidget. We were stressed out; he is experiencing a lack of structure with the classes and internship and I felt as though I had no home support. Onyx decided to flare up and we argued about who was taking him to the shop before we drove to Delaware. I felt nasty and hurtful and though a small thing, I felt as though things were finally coming to a head. Something needed to change. I had been planning for this vacation, trying to find things to do and putting out money. After a very intense conversation, I saw private clients, tried to go to a planning thing with Mimosa, and ended up back at home, trying to figure out how we're going to move forward. Sunday, after having a particularly low mood, we loaded up Onyx and gallivanted East, checking into a very nice hotel and a ghost town of a beach being off-season.
Since my groupons have continued to fall comically through, Fidget found us a restaurant just up the street. We drank too much and ate too much, buying a case of PBR for the kitchen staff because we were feeling generous and then taking a bottle of wine back to the hotel. In itty bitty hotel cups, we drank that wine while contemplating where we're going together. This eventually turned into my requesting an appointment at a spa since habitually, I do not do these things. Money is always a problem, and I couldn't see spending double a car note for a day spa. But I put in the request and we went to bed in too-white sheets and fluffy blankets.
I awoke around 0615, which was just rude of my body. I couldn't get back to sleep, so toddled around our little suite and occasionally went outside. Then the phone calls came; first, the research center wanted to reschedule Thursday, so I would not have that on my calendar. Then the spa called and they could get me in on Monday!
I spent over four hours at the spa, being pulled and pushed by various women and snoring occasionally. I emerged a bit oily and discombobulated with blue nails and toenails. We went to dinner at the one place I hadn't screwed up Groupon, then picked up snacks from Wawa. We spent the evening relaxing in bed while I read something from the local library; my muscles still didn't know how to work yet from all the pushing and prodding.
This morning, we're relaxed. We've heard each other's concerns about this trying time in our relationship and have been trying to brainstorm our way around it. Maybe it's more communication. Maybe it's more massages for me. Though we're no longer in this perceived state of financial crisis, my desire to hustle and make money and keep us afloat is still there. I'm downright miserly with money traditionally, so spending money on myself becomes frivolous. I rebel against the concept of being a Millennial with everything in the news: my bills are paid before I am paid, and a massage is not worth my mental health. I do struggle with black-and-white thinking, and need to incorporate more grey into my life. Fidget, ironically, works entirely in grey. Counseling is also a world of grey. But when I'm in crisis, it becomes the do's and the do not's.
After all of my flesh was rearranged yesterday, I looked at Fidget and said, "We've maxed out that credit card." It carries a lower balance, but there has never been a time where I have maxed it out on a vacation. Sure, it's been close with needing groceries or something happening with the car, but never a spa day. And I realized that with how I work and move around funding, it will be cleared in a short period of time. It's not a panic anymore; I don't think Volcano Harbor is going to fire me outright. I have reasonable consistent money coming in from the private practice. We've started paying back other debts and keeping things moving forward. If my plans were dashed from planning around groupons, we can do other things and see other attractions. Or not...
... we can just sit here in the quiet and be together without the hubbub of typical grown-up life.
Many things have happened since I last updated. Indeed, Pop passed, and we're planning for the memorial this Saturday. It continues to make me sad and I miss him greatly. I did not bake for over six weeks because whenever I went to turn on the oven, I'd have this overwhelming sense of grief. My parents' birthday packages were late because I couldn't bake- I'd always make goods for Fidget and myself, then a little for my parents, and then a few set aside to take to Pop the next time we saw him. Not having to take them to him made me stop in my tracks. I was finally able to bake, but I still grieve occasionally. I filled out post cards and mailed them yesterday, but had a moment of loss because I wasn't sending them to him this time.
Our friend moved in with us in mid-January and we've been adjusting to having a roommate. I'm happy we are able to help her, but occasionally I struggle with her behavior because I cannot relate to what she is going through. It's helped having another person in our struggle, though. And an extra pair of hands to help with household chores.
I feel as though we kind of bounced into Rehoboth, which is where I am now and how we planned to spend a portion of our vacation. Since Fidget actually gets a Spring Break, I decided to use leave from Volcano Harbor and actually force us to take a vacation. Originally, it was going to be this elaborate trip, getting a cabin in Tennessee, then seeing my parents in Florida and swinging through Georgia to see Bluejay. The whole thing would have been tiring, but the more valid concern was for Onyx. I didn't think a minimum of 2,000 miles would be good for him when parts are somewhat rickety and plane tickets would not have been an option. So I found this little hotel in Rehoboth, a place I've always wanted to go to but never been, and then we started trying to plan around it. I bought four groupons; ironically, three of them have now been refunded.
I guess my ability to plan has been somewhat compromised.
I left the office really late Friday amid an argument that had continued to brew between myself and Fidget. We were stressed out; he is experiencing a lack of structure with the classes and internship and I felt as though I had no home support. Onyx decided to flare up and we argued about who was taking him to the shop before we drove to Delaware. I felt nasty and hurtful and though a small thing, I felt as though things were finally coming to a head. Something needed to change. I had been planning for this vacation, trying to find things to do and putting out money. After a very intense conversation, I saw private clients, tried to go to a planning thing with Mimosa, and ended up back at home, trying to figure out how we're going to move forward. Sunday, after having a particularly low mood, we loaded up Onyx and gallivanted East, checking into a very nice hotel and a ghost town of a beach being off-season.
Since my groupons have continued to fall comically through, Fidget found us a restaurant just up the street. We drank too much and ate too much, buying a case of PBR for the kitchen staff because we were feeling generous and then taking a bottle of wine back to the hotel. In itty bitty hotel cups, we drank that wine while contemplating where we're going together. This eventually turned into my requesting an appointment at a spa since habitually, I do not do these things. Money is always a problem, and I couldn't see spending double a car note for a day spa. But I put in the request and we went to bed in too-white sheets and fluffy blankets.
I awoke around 0615, which was just rude of my body. I couldn't get back to sleep, so toddled around our little suite and occasionally went outside. Then the phone calls came; first, the research center wanted to reschedule Thursday, so I would not have that on my calendar. Then the spa called and they could get me in on Monday!
I spent over four hours at the spa, being pulled and pushed by various women and snoring occasionally. I emerged a bit oily and discombobulated with blue nails and toenails. We went to dinner at the one place I hadn't screwed up Groupon, then picked up snacks from Wawa. We spent the evening relaxing in bed while I read something from the local library; my muscles still didn't know how to work yet from all the pushing and prodding.
This morning, we're relaxed. We've heard each other's concerns about this trying time in our relationship and have been trying to brainstorm our way around it. Maybe it's more communication. Maybe it's more massages for me. Though we're no longer in this perceived state of financial crisis, my desire to hustle and make money and keep us afloat is still there. I'm downright miserly with money traditionally, so spending money on myself becomes frivolous. I rebel against the concept of being a Millennial with everything in the news: my bills are paid before I am paid, and a massage is not worth my mental health. I do struggle with black-and-white thinking, and need to incorporate more grey into my life. Fidget, ironically, works entirely in grey. Counseling is also a world of grey. But when I'm in crisis, it becomes the do's and the do not's.
After all of my flesh was rearranged yesterday, I looked at Fidget and said, "We've maxed out that credit card." It carries a lower balance, but there has never been a time where I have maxed it out on a vacation. Sure, it's been close with needing groceries or something happening with the car, but never a spa day. And I realized that with how I work and move around funding, it will be cleared in a short period of time. It's not a panic anymore; I don't think Volcano Harbor is going to fire me outright. I have reasonable consistent money coming in from the private practice. We've started paying back other debts and keeping things moving forward. If my plans were dashed from planning around groupons, we can do other things and see other attractions. Or not...
... we can just sit here in the quiet and be together without the hubbub of typical grown-up life.