Abstract fears.
I find myself left wanting in several areas lately. I have mental images of the ideal: the things I know I... 1. deserve, and 2. am capable of. Things I just know I'm right about, because my instinct has proven trustworthy on a regular basis. But I'm scared the idea will never amount to anything more than that. What if my ideas of perfect are too perfect? And, is the reason I don't know where to find any of it that I don't go looking for it?
A new friend asked me the other night: "Do you genuinely not want to do it, or are you confusing not wanting to with being scared to?" Now, she was talking about skydiving and/or bungee jumping, but how quickly my mind jumped to two other things she knows about makes me assume she meant it in more than just the death-defying stunt way. It was a quickly serious turn; it felt like a probing question in the midst of what had been our usual joking conversation. I can be pretty firm on extreme fear being the reason for sincerely not wanting to jump out of an airplane or off of a bridge, though the bungee jumping video alone was enough for some exhilaration. But for something like that, it's okay that my answer to her question was, "Both." It's everything else I'm not so sure about.
Take a situation like my job, for instance. I love what I do, I'm happy, and I know that my current position allows me to truly make a difference on an almost daily basis. Does the fact that I don't have much desire to advance further mean I'm not driven? This is a university position, meaning opportunities for advancement come once a semester, without fail. Would graduating without reaching that management level equal failure, even if I found great success and happiness at my current level? I don't know. I'm scared to give up with I have, yes. I know I'm the best at it right now, and I want to keep getting better, but who's to say I couldn't be the best at the next level, too? I'm scared to leave here with the possibility of having not done enough, but I'm also scared to let that fear make me give up what I love. Also playing into the thought process is that the two girls who work under me that I love are going to be moving up and above me next semester. So if I try to move up too, it could look bad if suddenly the three of us, who have grown pretty tight, are suddenly in charge of everything together. But I also have fears that my job won't be nearly as fun without those two there every time I work.
The fear question applies in other places, too, things bigger than just the next semester. I think I spend too much time thinking about that ideal I was talking about... the ideal results of everything. Nothing in life is ideal. I just want to get to the time when I've found something things that are at least close to ideal. Am I going to find it because I know exactly what it consists of, of am I going to miss it because I'm too weak/scared/whatever to go after things that could get me to it? Are there already good things in front of me, and I think I don't want them but really I'm scared of them? On another note, what do you do when your usually good instincts are confused?
Like I said: abstract.
A new friend asked me the other night: "Do you genuinely not want to do it, or are you confusing not wanting to with being scared to?" Now, she was talking about skydiving and/or bungee jumping, but how quickly my mind jumped to two other things she knows about makes me assume she meant it in more than just the death-defying stunt way. It was a quickly serious turn; it felt like a probing question in the midst of what had been our usual joking conversation. I can be pretty firm on extreme fear being the reason for sincerely not wanting to jump out of an airplane or off of a bridge, though the bungee jumping video alone was enough for some exhilaration. But for something like that, it's okay that my answer to her question was, "Both." It's everything else I'm not so sure about.
Take a situation like my job, for instance. I love what I do, I'm happy, and I know that my current position allows me to truly make a difference on an almost daily basis. Does the fact that I don't have much desire to advance further mean I'm not driven? This is a university position, meaning opportunities for advancement come once a semester, without fail. Would graduating without reaching that management level equal failure, even if I found great success and happiness at my current level? I don't know. I'm scared to give up with I have, yes. I know I'm the best at it right now, and I want to keep getting better, but who's to say I couldn't be the best at the next level, too? I'm scared to leave here with the possibility of having not done enough, but I'm also scared to let that fear make me give up what I love. Also playing into the thought process is that the two girls who work under me that I love are going to be moving up and above me next semester. So if I try to move up too, it could look bad if suddenly the three of us, who have grown pretty tight, are suddenly in charge of everything together. But I also have fears that my job won't be nearly as fun without those two there every time I work.
The fear question applies in other places, too, things bigger than just the next semester. I think I spend too much time thinking about that ideal I was talking about... the ideal results of everything. Nothing in life is ideal. I just want to get to the time when I've found something things that are at least close to ideal. Am I going to find it because I know exactly what it consists of, of am I going to miss it because I'm too weak/scared/whatever to go after things that could get me to it? Are there already good things in front of me, and I think I don't want them but really I'm scared of them? On another note, what do you do when your usually good instincts are confused?
Like I said: abstract.