[Vix] Mr. Curiosity
Mr. Curiosity
PG13; Shige/Koyama
From this drabble post for Brina, prompt Mr Curiosity, but it seems to have gotten long enough to deserve a post of its own XD; Bits and pieces of the lyrics stuck out to me, and this is the result. Warnings for angst and possibly unpleasant content.
-
Love is blind.
In his mind, Shige remembers him. In his ears, Shige hears him. In his dreams, Shige feels him.
It's not enough, it's never been enough, but it's all he's got any more.
It's hard for anything to be enough when you lose your best friend at the tender age of twenty-four.
It's even harder when, as the years pass, you realise that before you'd even known what it meant, you'd fallen in love with them.
You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone.
Shige had never thought anything of their friendship while Koyama was still alive. They'd been close, but they'd grown up together, it was only natural that they'd be closer than other friends. It's only after Koyama's gone and Shige starts dating that he realises his feelings towards the other man aren't that of a regular friendship.
His partners smile at him, and he feels a soft flutter in his stomach, but it's nothing compared to the pounding butterflies he'd get when Koyama grinned at him. His partners call him, and their voices are pleasant in his ear, but he can't help comparing them to Koyama - or at least, his memory of the way Koyama used to sound. His partners touch him, and it's good, but even the ghost of Koyama's hugs and jabs feel better on his skin.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
Men, women, older, younger, even one woman who used to be a man, he tries them all but no-one he meets can ever measure up to Koyama. Sweet, funny, ditzy Koyama who must have taken Shige's heart with him when he left, trapping it between slender fingers and clutching it close to him as they turned cold and stiff, because he can't seem to give it to anyone else, and not for a lack of trying.
As the years pass, he just gives up. Dating just reminds him of the one person he needs most, the one person he can never have, so he stops doing it. Soon he only leaves the apartment for work, because the people he sees having fun around him make him think of the way Koyama's face would light up when he was enjoying himself, eyes sparkling brilliantly beneath the lights. His friends start to worry about him after the fourth day he doesn't show up at work, too, and keep coming to check up on him, but they don't carry it on for long after he stops letting them in.
Time heals all wounds.
No, it doesn't. Not this one. This wound just festers and putrefys, chafing and blistering and decaying until Shige can't stand it, is seeing Koyama in everyone, everything. The furthest he's brave enough to venture is the store on the corner when he runs out of cup noodles and washing powder, but soon even that proves to be too much. Koyama is everywhere, his face a constant, faded vision in front of Shige's eyes, his voice a never-ending murmur in the back of his head, and the worst part is, Shige likes it.
Can't get enough of it, and leaving the apartment just distorts the picture, too many images and sounds for him to be able to focus on Koyama, Koyama, Koyama as much as he needs.
So, he stops leaving. He stops answering his phone because it's too loud, unplugs it from the wall to make the ringing stop. He stops reading to keep himself busy because the words clutter his mind and drive Koyama out. He runs out of detergent and washing up liquid, so he stops doing the chores, and when there is no soap left either, he stops washing entirely, clinging desperately to the memory of his best friend, his partner, the one he loves.
Even eating is too much trouble, takes too much time, too much effort, and after three days without making it out of the bedroom, he couldn't cook even if he'd wanted to.
Because now, Koyama is with him, his Koyama, with his bright smile and shining eyes that sparkle even when it's dark.
Love is eternal.
Shige's always wondered what comes next. What happens when this life ends, when your eyes close for that final, fatal time, never to open again.
Is there more? There must be more, because this life, this can't possibly be all they are destined for. Will he be reborn, into a new body, into a new life? Will his soul move on to bigger, better things? Are there big, pearl-encrusted gates and hot, burning fires? So many different opinions, different beliefs, but they can't all be true, can they?
Maybe now, now that he's too dehydrated to form words, too tired to open his eyes, too weak to lift his head, maybe now he'll finally get to find out, to satisfy that craving for knowledge that no amount of books and facts and figures could ever satisfy. Maybe now he'll know what the human race is destined for, maybe, maybe, maybe.
But more than that, he knows he won't be discovering it alone. Koyama is there, Koyama knows Koyama wants to share it with him, he can tell. He can feel the warmth of the other man's fingers brushing over his cheek, can feel the soft touch of lips to his forehead, knows that Koyama is here now, waiting for him, calling to him.
Shige never could say no to him.
All Koyama had ever wanted was for those around him to be happy, Shige knows that with every fibre of his being.
At least, when they meet again, he can tell him that he tried.
Curiosity killed the cat.
PG13; Shige/Koyama
From this drabble post for Brina, prompt Mr Curiosity, but it seems to have gotten long enough to deserve a post of its own XD; Bits and pieces of the lyrics stuck out to me, and this is the result. Warnings for angst and possibly unpleasant content.
-
Love is blind.
In his mind, Shige remembers him. In his ears, Shige hears him. In his dreams, Shige feels him.
It's not enough, it's never been enough, but it's all he's got any more.
It's hard for anything to be enough when you lose your best friend at the tender age of twenty-four.
It's even harder when, as the years pass, you realise that before you'd even known what it meant, you'd fallen in love with them.
You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone.
Shige had never thought anything of their friendship while Koyama was still alive. They'd been close, but they'd grown up together, it was only natural that they'd be closer than other friends. It's only after Koyama's gone and Shige starts dating that he realises his feelings towards the other man aren't that of a regular friendship.
His partners smile at him, and he feels a soft flutter in his stomach, but it's nothing compared to the pounding butterflies he'd get when Koyama grinned at him. His partners call him, and their voices are pleasant in his ear, but he can't help comparing them to Koyama - or at least, his memory of the way Koyama used to sound. His partners touch him, and it's good, but even the ghost of Koyama's hugs and jabs feel better on his skin.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
Men, women, older, younger, even one woman who used to be a man, he tries them all but no-one he meets can ever measure up to Koyama. Sweet, funny, ditzy Koyama who must have taken Shige's heart with him when he left, trapping it between slender fingers and clutching it close to him as they turned cold and stiff, because he can't seem to give it to anyone else, and not for a lack of trying.
As the years pass, he just gives up. Dating just reminds him of the one person he needs most, the one person he can never have, so he stops doing it. Soon he only leaves the apartment for work, because the people he sees having fun around him make him think of the way Koyama's face would light up when he was enjoying himself, eyes sparkling brilliantly beneath the lights. His friends start to worry about him after the fourth day he doesn't show up at work, too, and keep coming to check up on him, but they don't carry it on for long after he stops letting them in.
Time heals all wounds.
No, it doesn't. Not this one. This wound just festers and putrefys, chafing and blistering and decaying until Shige can't stand it, is seeing Koyama in everyone, everything. The furthest he's brave enough to venture is the store on the corner when he runs out of cup noodles and washing powder, but soon even that proves to be too much. Koyama is everywhere, his face a constant, faded vision in front of Shige's eyes, his voice a never-ending murmur in the back of his head, and the worst part is, Shige likes it.
Can't get enough of it, and leaving the apartment just distorts the picture, too many images and sounds for him to be able to focus on Koyama, Koyama, Koyama as much as he needs.
So, he stops leaving. He stops answering his phone because it's too loud, unplugs it from the wall to make the ringing stop. He stops reading to keep himself busy because the words clutter his mind and drive Koyama out. He runs out of detergent and washing up liquid, so he stops doing the chores, and when there is no soap left either, he stops washing entirely, clinging desperately to the memory of his best friend, his partner, the one he loves.
Even eating is too much trouble, takes too much time, too much effort, and after three days without making it out of the bedroom, he couldn't cook even if he'd wanted to.
Because now, Koyama is with him, his Koyama, with his bright smile and shining eyes that sparkle even when it's dark.
Love is eternal.
Shige's always wondered what comes next. What happens when this life ends, when your eyes close for that final, fatal time, never to open again.
Is there more? There must be more, because this life, this can't possibly be all they are destined for. Will he be reborn, into a new body, into a new life? Will his soul move on to bigger, better things? Are there big, pearl-encrusted gates and hot, burning fires? So many different opinions, different beliefs, but they can't all be true, can they?
Maybe now, now that he's too dehydrated to form words, too tired to open his eyes, too weak to lift his head, maybe now he'll finally get to find out, to satisfy that craving for knowledge that no amount of books and facts and figures could ever satisfy. Maybe now he'll know what the human race is destined for, maybe, maybe, maybe.
But more than that, he knows he won't be discovering it alone. Koyama is there, Koyama knows Koyama wants to share it with him, he can tell. He can feel the warmth of the other man's fingers brushing over his cheek, can feel the soft touch of lips to his forehead, knows that Koyama is here now, waiting for him, calling to him.
Shige never could say no to him.
All Koyama had ever wanted was for those around him to be happy, Shige knows that with every fibre of his being.
At least, when they meet again, he can tell him that he tried.
Curiosity killed the cat.