Fic: Ozception (Scene 1-8/?)
Here is the Wicked!Inception fic, inspired by distracterisey's art. Originally posted on her LJ, it is getting its own home over here now, since it can't be a squatter forever. :)
Fic: Ozception (nope, I still shouldn't be coming up with names)
Author: J
Pairing: Arthur/Eames as main pairing (There are other pairings which I'm not listing so as not to give anything away)
Rating: M
Warning: This is crack fic. Neither Inception nor Wicked will be safe from warpage or ridicule. No plot will be left un-mangled, no character left in-character. There will be low brow and inappropriate humour. There will be references to bad, illegal behavior. There will be violence and profanity.
And worst of all, this fic is unbetaed and will probably contain typos and grammatical errors of the brain-searing variety. Or cause hilarity. Depending on how late at night I’m posting.
Summary: This is a Wicked!Inception AU, in reference to Wicked, the Broadway musical. Arthur is an unfortunately green witch (yes, witch). A talented but grumpy young witch, he will face trials and tribulations as he tries to do the right thing.
SCENE 1
Arthur’s father went on and on and on and on. Usually, Arthur had a steady enough attention span to catch every word his father said but this time, he was distracted by all the young, loud people at the Shiz University. Was that group over there actually spontaneously singing about life at the university?
He tuned in to hear his father say, “I am only sending you here despite being a penny-pincher because I must ensure my beautiful Ariadne will have someone to wait on her hand and foot and protect her from the uncouth youth of today. So I expect daily missives on Ariadne’s well-being and if you miss one communication, I’ll have you whipped.”
“Business as usual then, father?” asked Arthur.
“Yeap.”
Once the governor of Munchkinland had given his precious Ariadne a pair of silver shoes as a parting gift and departed without giving Arthur anything at all, the wheelchair-bound sister turned her face up to her brother and said grumpily, “I wish he wasn’t such an asshole.”
Arthur shrugged, saying calmly, “At least Munchkinlanders aren’t known for their strong whipping arm. I like writing daily reports anyway.”
“Well...but couldn’t you leave out things like what I ate as a midnight snack and which boy said ‘hi’ to me on the street and what your background check turned up on him? It’s one thing being green, it’s another being a green creeper.”
“Ariadne, would you prefer I not report these things and be tortured with hot pokers instead?” asked Arthur.
She thought about it.
After a minute, she sighed. “I guess not.”
“Thank you,” he replied wryly, as he pushed his sister forward in her wheelchair.
He noticed several people staring at him and some even openly pointing and sneering. He noted down the people who were being ruder than normal and vowed to short sheet their beds and stick their hands in bowls of warm water when they were asleep. It was petty but he took his revenge where he could.
Ariadne pointed back at a gaggle of students who were pointing at him, saying loudly at them, “You will be jealous when Arthur gets a lead role in a “go green, it’s environmentally friendly” car ad!”
At this point, Arthur decided to leave his sister to pointlessly berate the idiots. He pulled out his paperwork and headed towards the headmistress quite determinedly. He was organized and always prepared so he knew his father had kindly not arranged a room for him but he figured it would be easier to work things out once he had actually arrived. The headmistress was a lady dressed in a very tight black dress that hugged her curvaceous body and the neckline went down way too low to be appropriate for a higher education institution. A gaggle of students stood around her, enamored and clamoring for attention.
“Excuse me, I noticed that I haven’t been assigned any accommodation,” Arthur said loudly over her group of fans.
The headmistress looked over and started going over her list for more information on the boy, who was quite green from head to toe. Only his hair all sleeked back was a solid black along with his narrow eyes.
She shook her head in sympathy and said in a French - because the French transcended space and magic - accent, “Like all unattractive or misunderstood lead characters in a play, it seems like the first plot device is for us to put you in close quarters with someone you will dislike and who is very different from you. So you shall have to share.”
Arthur shrugged. “It shouldn’t be too hard to find someone. I’m different from everyone and I don’t like anyone. And at least it’s not a plot device where I inexplicably screw up the biggest part of my research just so we can all be in grave danger during the most important part of the job.”
The headmistress started scanning the room and she quickly spotted a handsome blond man wearing a white suit. He was surrounded by a posse of giggling fans and when he cast a squint around him, girls and boys alike swooned.
“Adorable blond man,” called out the headmistress. “What is your name?”
The man looked over and his eyes lit up at the sight of the headmistress. “My name is Domm Cobb.”
“Dom-”
“Domm, with a double em.”
“Dom, you won’t mind rooming with Arthur here, will you?”
“Um, well, I-”
“Thank you, my lovely boy,” she purred and he visibly went wobbly at the knees.
Arthur protested, “Look, I’m not sure I can room with a guy who obviously can’t tie a Windsor knot righ-”
At that moment, a girl wandered by and stopped beside them with her headphones blaring - because this might be Oz, but iPods definitely transcended space and magic too - guaranteeing that she would be deaf by 30 and that Arthur was interrupted by strange, hokey music as she stood there rifling through her bag.
He turned a glare at her but she didn’t notice him. She actually whipped out her iPod from her bag and turned the music up.
Ariadne muttered, “Oh no, here we go.”
Arthur's eyebrows came down in a sharp frown and the girl’s iPod started shooting out sparks. She shrieked and yanked the headphones off, tossing the smoking iPod out of her bag in horror.
The headmistress proclaimed, “What a stunning display of sorcery! They make the iPods with so many protection spells these days that they hardly ever do that anymore.”
Ariadne, who had wheeled herself closer to her brother, stared at her. “Why are there chills going down my spine at the sight of you?”
“The feeling inspired by scary crazy women who are a product of scary crazy men’s guilty brain reaches through genre and alternate universes. But ignore all that,” said the woman with a wave of her hand. “I am Mal, the Headmistress. You, Arthur, are extremely talented and you might be meeting the Wizard soon if you can gain control over your abilities.”
Arthur thought about it. “Does he really hate iPods?”
Mal shrugged elegantly. “He could probably do with someone who has the extraordinary ability to freeze people in place and cause them to shiver in fear. But we can start with the destruction of small music players.”
“Yeah, okay,” Arthur conceded.
She sashayed away. Mal was possibly the only person in Oz who could sashay without looking like a pretentious wannabe.
Domm stared after her before turning to stare at Arthur who had woken up a little peaky today and as such, was rather violently green.
“Hey, wow, you’re really green,” the guy noted.
Arthur frowned. “You’re really blonde and you’re wearing a very sloppy tie.”
The blonde glared. “What were you talking about with the lovely Mal?”
“My accommodation. You were here when we were talking about it,” said Arthur incredulously.
Domm merely squinted. Then he started saying in a singsong way, "UNUSUALLY, AND EXCEEDINGLY PECULIAR AND ALTOGETHER QUITE-"
“Yeah, fuck this bullshit,” said Arthur as he wheeled Ariadne away post-haste.
SCENE 2
Their history lecturer, Robert Fischer, was returning their essays. Robert was the only dog on the faculty. An actual dog, not dog of the lusty, pervy male variety. With his floppy spaniel ears and shaggy tail, he was the sole Animal professor in the university and it always weighed heavily on him, this responsibility.
He commented as he passed the papers out, “Dom-”
“It’s Domm,” said Domm, dragging out the 'mm'.
“Stop being an asshole, double em Domm,” grumbled Arthur.
Domm shot him a hurt look.
“Dom,” repeated Robert as he ignored the exchange. “This is a history class. Drawing a maze in lieu of an essay is not acceptable, no matter how good a maze and I did get quite lost trying to work through it, but yes, unacceptable.”
Domm explained eagerly, “It’s a representation of the confusion and difficulty one has when navigating through the varying records of history!”
“That’s so clever, Domm!” chimed up one of his posse.
Arthur wished he was never born. A non-existence would be preferable to sharing a class - and a room - with one Domm Cobb.
“Alright class, pay attention,” said Robert as sternly as he could, which wasn’t very at all. “History can be hard to understand. Sometimes we look back and try to figure out where it all went wrong. Was it the day I chose a pinwheel instead of a monster truck as a toy? Was it when I chose to be a lecturer here instead of my father’s own university? And of course, it’s harder being the only Animal on the faculty. There used to be more of us around but then the great drought came along and they needed someone to blame so even though it makes no sense whatsoever, they blamed the Animals. And to make things worse, some fathers have to call to say things like ‘I told you so, now if you know what’s good for you, get your ass out of Oz!’ without any respect whatsoever for your personal and professional decisions.”
Domm raised his hand. “Have you thought of getting your mind incepted so you can get over your issues with your father?”
Robert frowned. “I have to say…that has never occurred to me at all.”
Domm told him intensely, “An idea is like a virus, resilient, highly contagious and the smallest seed of an idea can grow. It can grow to define or destroy you.”
There was a silence before the class broke out into applause, minus Arthur who couldn’t believe how stupid his life was. Domm nodded congenially at everyone, minus Arthur because Arthur was mean and had short sheeted Domm’s bed last night.
“Um…let’s just get on with the class then,” said Robert as he flipped the blackboard over with his fuzzy brown paws.
On the blackboard, written in huge bold letters, were the words, “Bark arf arf bark BARK.”
His already droopy ears drooped further. “Oh…I think...class dismissed.”
Everyone raced for the door before he could change his mind, minus Arthur who was always a bit of a teacher’s pet. No pun intended.
Robert said unconvincingly as he fidgeted with his tail, “You don’t have to worry about me, Arthur. Go and enjoy yourself with your friends.”
“It’s alright, I don’t have any friends. None of them are sane enough to qualify,” explained Arthur. “You know, who cares what they say and how they taunt you for being different? I’m different and they say a lot of shit about me too. At least you have really sharp teeth which are a lot more useful than being the color of broccoli.”
“If only it was just the words on the chalkboard... The things I hear these days about what’s happening to us Animals...they really depress me,” said Robert sadly.
“But a lot of things depress you,” pointed out Arthur.
“That’s true.”
They stood there in awkward silence.
Robert blurted out, “The worst thing is that those words on the board say ‘Robert has daddy issues, LOL’.”
“Oh. But that’s true too.”
Robert turned wobbly eyes at him.
“I mean, that totally sucks.”
“It does.”
SCENE 3
Domm watched in boredom as a guy he was calling Yos tried to convince him that they needed to be best friends right now. It was so hard being popular, having to fend off all these interested admirers.
He sighed. “Look, Yos, I-”
“Yusuf.”
“Yos, if I get a best friend, it needs to be someone who can stand by my side and show the world what a compatible duo we are and how much fun we have, not someone who’ll stay behind and mix up fun chemicals for me.”
“But they’re fun Oz-shattering chemicals! Can’t we be the sort of best friends where I keep you supplied with all the sedatives you need and you tell everyone how brilliant my work is so that someone sponsors my Masters?”
Domm was about to question his need for sedatives when he was distracted by a man in brown paisley tights sauntering by. “Wait, isn’t that Eames who impersonated the Winkie prince’s fiancée so well that no one realized he had made away with most of the treasury and that he had a penis all along?”
As Eames walked by, Domm squinted at him meaningfully. Eames smirked, raising his eyebrows before squinting back. Domm was delighted that they were sharing a moment.
Politely, Yusuf asked, “Were you looking for someone or something?”
Eames smiled charmingly. “Actually, if you could point me towards the history class…”
“Oh, that just ended,” Domm explained.
“I always did have good timing,” noted Eames with a carefree shrug.
Domm grinned at the newcomer’s refreshing attitude. “I’m Domm.”
“Hello there, Domm. My name is Eames.” Looking around curiously, he asked, “So what does one do for fun around here.”
Domm started talking quickly, “We have this new magichnology that I’ve been trying out and it involves dreamsharing-”
Yusuf started talking quickly too, “I have been tweaking the Somnacin Potion compound and I think I can achieve-”
“Splendid!” interrupted Eames with a clap of his hands. “To celebrate these new branches of study, we should have a ball!”
“That…doesn’t make sense,” said Domm uncertainly.
“Would you prefer I sing about how you lads are terribly stuffy and the ways I will show you the joie de vivre by expounding on the virtues of being a bum and by holding a ball? I’ve been known to shrivel up snails and attract cats in heat when I break out in song,” offered Eames cheerfully.
“No, you’re right, we should have a ball,” said Domm, arms raised in surrender.
Yusuf turned to him determinedly. “Wouldn’t a ball be a great place to announce our good friendship and for you to promote my new more potent mixes?”
“Are we talking about drugs?” asked Eames in delight.
“Only of the legal variety,” assured Yusuf.
Domm looked around wildly for an escape and an idea struck him as his eyes landed on Ariadne.
He took a deep breath. “SEE THAT TRAGICALLY BEAUTIFUL GIRL, THE ONE IN A CHAIR? IT SEEMS SO UNFAIR-”
Yusuf looked pained. “Can we skip the singing? I don’t respond well to them because of a traumatizing incident that happened when I was small, involving my nanny, a kookaburra and two hundred pounds of tomatoes.”
Domm huffed grumpily, “No one appreciates my talents. Anyway, I heard that girl over there in a wheelchair is really lonely and she only has a creepy green brother for company. I’m sure she would love to have a best friend who’s a genius at chemistry and she’s even the daughter of a governor so she definitely has a wide target audience for future promotions.”
“Oh, really? If she’s the daughter of a governor, maybe she has a few loyal citizens who are willing to be my test subjects…” murmured Yusuf as he wandered off.
Eames raised an eyebrow. “That was quite sneaky. I’m impressed.”
Domm’s eyes gleamed. “You seem like the best friend type, Eames.”
Eames looked taken aback at the non-sequitur. “I’m really not. And what are we, five? Best friends??”
“Well, you might want to reconsider. After all, being my best friends comes with many perks, including loyal followers, the ability to do no wrong, access to forbidden grounds and a lot, a lot of popularity.”
Eames tapped his jaw, a slow smile growing on his face. “I’m sure we can negotiate something then.”
“I’m so glad we had this conversation,” said Domm intensely while squeezing Eames’ shoulder. “Now let me get my minions, I mean, my fans who will organize your ball for you.”
“This is really turning out to be a fruitful partnership,” commented Eames with some appreciation.
SCENE 4
“And he’s really clever! He’s doing such groundbreaking research and he’s the only one who got accepted into Advanced Experimentifying with Chemicalities 323, which isn’t even supposed to be open to second years. Some of the things he talks about go over my head but...well, he’s kind of hot with this really adorable accent,” said Ariadne, a little dreamily. “His hands look really capable when he’s working with his chemicals too.”
Arthur winced. “The more you tell me, the more I have to put into this report back to father.”
She looked at him curiously before asking, “So what has your background check on Yusuf turned up?”
“I don’t know what you’re-”
“Oh, you can’t fool me, Arthur!”
He stared at his folder moodily. The thing was...his research had turned up nothing. By all intents and purpose, Yusuf seemed to be a genuinely nice guy who had no horrible skeletons in the closet involving walling up ex-girlfriends or breeding his cats for the nefarious purpose of taking over the world. The most unusual thing showing up on his profile was his inexplicable, steady stream of average income despite not working any tax-paying job.
The money went towards paying all of Yusuf’s exorbitantly priced chemicals for his experiments so at least he wasn’t using it to fund a hidden drug/drinking/gambling habit. A little more digging led Arthur to suspect that Yusuf was probably running the first dream-den ever to hit Oz, out of the university’s own chem lab. It was probably a testament to how trusting - or stupid - the people were at the university since no one else had questioned why multiple students from various faculties disappeared into the lab for hours on end.
Still...Arthur couldn’t exactly find fault with what Yusuf was doing. At least it showed that the budding chemist had good business acumen as well.
“Fine, fine, he seems okay,” said Arthur grudgingly.
“Oh wow! That’s the first!” Ariadne really did attract the crazy ones. “You know, your roommate was the one who pointed me out to Yusuf. It’s nice that he’s helping me make more friends. Maybe Domm isn’t that bad after all?”
It made his stomach queasy to think about it but maybe...he could...
“Hmm.”
SCENE 5
Mal looked up through her lashes at Domm coyly. He felt his heart thumping against his chest, sure that this was his moment, that something had been growing between the two of them and he had luckily prepared this speech about trains-
“Arthur,” she started.
He was outraged. “My name is Domm!”
Mal crossed her arms, pushing up her impressive cleavage which distracted him momentarily. “Arthur has insisted you be admitted to the ‘Projection Control in Dream Theory’ class.”
“Arthur? But...why would he do that?” asked Domm in shock. “I’ve wanted to get into that class since the start of the semester! And he’s been gloating about his attendance even though he doesn’t actually need to take the class, since he apparently never has problems with stray projections and the occasional car-wrecking train.” Domm wasn’t bitter about his warped subconscious, no, not at all.
“I’m not sure why Arthur insisted on letting you in, seeing as Professor Oracel has a phobia of squints and refused to teach you even though you qualify for her class. But Arthur is her best student so she has agreed to let you attend as long as you always wear sunglasses during her class and not move your eyebrows too much.”
“But Arthur doesn’t do nice things for me...” muttered Domm, while at the same time, experiencing the unusual and creeping feeling of this strange sensation that might be labeled...guilt.
“Your classes aside...” Mal continued, “You’ll save a dance for me?”
Eames, who had sidled up on silent feet, commented, “Seems a bit unethical to have the Headmistress come on to a student.”
Domm jabbed him in the ribs. “I’ll save all my dances for you.”
Her eyes gleamed in approval.
At that moment, Arthur stepped into the Ozdust Ballroom. Other than his green complexion that clashed really badly with the orange disco lights, his prim and proper, well-fitted waistcoat and jaunty witch’s hat absolutely did not match everyone else who had come to the 70s themed disco ball. All the bell-bottom wearing men and froofy-haired women turned to stare and started whispering contemptuously about him.
“Bugger but he looks good,” commented Eames. “And absolutely out of place. Has the boy no idea what a 70s themed disco ball entails?”
“Oh shit. Um, don’t stare, please,” asked Domm piteously, because in a moment of spite earlier, he had invited Arthur to the ball and told him that it was a ‘Halloween’ theme instead. It was the oldest trick in the book. He had even given the witch’s hat to Arthur, insisting that he had to wear it to get entry to the ball. Oh god, he was an asshole.
Eames continued staring. “How could I not stare? He looks incredibly lovely and silly at the same time, the contradiction is doing my head in.”
Ignoring the stares, Arthur just walked to the middle of the room and stood there with his arms crossed. He refused to go stand in a corner out of everyone else’s way and he was only budging when the alcohol came out so that he could drown his embarrassment in whiskey.
Nodding approvingly, Eames said, “At least he doesn’t have any shame. A very important quality in a man.”
Mal made a moue of sadness. “Oh, Arthur.”
Then she shot Domm a look of disappointment as if she knew exactly what he had done. Unable to bear the guilt of his actions after what Arthur had done for him combined with Mal’s disappointment, Domm hurried over to Arthur.
“You asshole.” Arthur glared.
Domm smiled weakly. “At least you look quite dashing?”
“Shut the fuck up.”
“In my defense, I didn’t know we had a truce. What changed your mind?”
“No, seriously. Shut. The. Fuck. Up.”
“Sorry, sorry... Give me your hat,” said Domm as he reached out for it.
Arthur tried to duck away from his hands but he was taken by surprise and Domm was surprisingly fast for a blonde. He had the hat off Arthur’s head and onto his own in a jiffy.
Now, Arthur stared at him uncertainly. “What are you doing?”
“Nothing,” said Domm with determination.
Then he linked his arm with Arthur’s, like they were the best mates ever. People started whispering again, but it was to talk about Arthur’s newly elevated status now instead of his great lack of social grace or appropriate party wear.
SCENE 6
“That was your first ever party? Seriously?’ asked Cobb in shock and horror.
Arthur rolled his eyes. “You have noticed I’m completely green right? I don’t exactly make a nice addition when everyone’s photo whoring. I photo bomb just by existing in the background.”
“But still...surely people invite you to parties that are...dimly lit?”
“Seriously, you should just never talk.”
“This is just really surprising. Tell me something else no one knows,” Domm demanded. “I’ll go first if you want: Eames is going to be my partner for life.”
“I didn’t know you were gay.”
“Professional partner for life.”
“Really? He doesn’t seem like the type to tie himself down professionally to a guy he just met two days ago.”
“He’ll come around to it. After all, we’re best friends already. Now, you go.”
“I feel like we’re in a sitcom for fourteen year olds.”
“Hurry up, we can’t do this manly bonding thing if you don’t start sharing with me your deepest, darkest secrets,” explained Domm earnestly.
“I don’t feel very manly. In fact, I feel a little uncomfortable with where this is going.” But he caved under Domm’s expressively serious frown. “Fine, fine. My father hates me.”
Domm seemed taken aback. “I’m sure he’s just not very good at expressing his filial attachments. If I was a father, I would never-”
“No, shut up. That wasn’t the secret,” cut in Arthur in exasperation. “The secret is that he hates me because he blames me for Ariadne’s disability. My mother had this stupid love for those liquid chlorophyll, health drinks because some asshole travelling salesman convinced her that it was good for her health only it caused me to come out like this. That’s what you get for eating health food products in a land of magic. Anyway, my father didn’t want Ariadne to come out...”
Domm offered helpfully, “Virulently green all over?”
“Thank you. Yes. That. So he made my mother chew moonflowers throughout her pregnancy with Ariadne because he is the most fucking stupid douchebag in Oz who doesn’t research and Ariadne came too early, with her legs all...all tangled up. And mother...she never woke up. And my other secret? My other secret is that I’ll never forgive my father for being a stupid, judgmental shit and for doing that to Ariadne.”
Domm stared. “Your life sucks and your father really is the most fucking stupid douchebag in Oz.”
“Thanks.”
“Damn, I really feel bad now. Compared to the perfectly comfortable and luxurious life I’ve had, yours was really sucktastic,” said Domm.
“Have you considered never talking ever again?”
“You know what, Artie- Do you mind if I call you Artie?”
“Yes,” said Arthur vehemently.
“You’ll be my new project where I make you over and teach you how to be popular, Artie!” declared Domm.
“I will maim you if you continue calling me that,” declared Arthur.
Domm smiled. “We must be becoming friends now. You used to threaten me with dismemberment. Anyhow, I think we’ll start with the basics!”
And because Arthur knew where this was going, he quickly said, “Skip the song.”
Domm would sulk but he was in too much of a good mood now that he had a protégé. “First, you need to stop dressing up like Ariadne’s uptight bodyguard. In fact, you can wear any of my clothes from my wardrobe.” He gestured magnanimously as he said that.
Arthur frowned. “I think it’s a bit rich that you’re giving me fashion advice when you have to get one of your fans to knot your ties for you and tie your shoelaces. And you haven’t even noticed that they don’t know anything about ties either.”
“Then, you need to practice looking intense and serious. The boys and girls like it. It goes like this: Squint, squint!” He demonstrated with two particularly intense squints in a row.
Arthur just stared.
“You can even do it with your whole body,” continued Domm, tensing his shoulders and frowning with all his might as he squinted.
“I’m leaving now before I get infected by your crazy,” said Arthur as he left the room at a half-run.
“You’re welcome!” hollered Domm after him.
He turned to his mirror and practiced a squint. “Damn that looks good. No wonder so many people like me.”
SCENE 7
Really, there was no way Arthur was going to wear Domm’s clothes, even if they were the last pieces of clothing in Oz.
But the other advice…it wasn’t like he really had anything to lose. There was being on the lowest rung of the social ladder and then there was drilling underground to where Arthur was courtesy of his green skin. He took a deep breath.
“Squint. Squiiint,” he said as he…squinted.
At that moment, Eames walked by. He blinked. “Pet, is there something in your eye?”
Fuck, this was totally not working.
“Yes, but it’s gone now,” said Arthur quickly, widening his eyes instead.
“Good, because that looked strangely like Domm Cobb’s squint and we’re all definitely better off without a Domm clone,” said Eames, lips curving up on one side.
Now he just needed a strategic corner to go die in embarrassment.
“It’s not like I could actually come close to being a Domm clone,” muttered Arthur, just a teensy bit bitterly.
“Why would you want to? You make a perfectly good Arthur,” said Eames, full out smiling now.
Arthur blinked, nearly blinded by the pretty. Eames’ teeth weren’t all straight, but there was something so mischievous and inviting about those plush lips and wicked curve of a smile…Arthur quickly pulled himself away so he wouldn’t be staring anymore. “Yeah, whatever.”
He was walking back to his seat when a stranger in a suit walked in. It was a rather nice suit too.
“You’re not Professor Fischer,” stated Arthur warily.
The stranger smiled, a rather disturbingly toothy expression. “Very observant, strange-looking green kid. Professor Fischer had to, ah, leave. But I’m his replacement. Now take your seats everyone and we will begin our class.”
Within a few minutes of entering the class, he was whipping off a cloth that had been covering a cage and in the cage…there was a lion cub.
Arthur stared.
Then the new professor started talking about how putting animals in cages was progress and innovation, how the animals would not learn how to speak if they lived in the cage.
“What the fuck?” asked Arthur incredulously, nudging the nearest person to him who happened to be Eames.
“What are you going to do about this?” asked Eames quietly.
Arthur glared at him and then said loudly to the class, “That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”
The new professor - whom Arthur couldn’t even bother remembering his name because he certainly wasn’t taking this class anymore - blinked. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, that that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard, asshole. How is this progress? What’s so enlightening about the idea that his learning is stunted once he’s kept in a cage? I would like to see how developed you get if I locked you up in a cage all your life.”
The professor trembled with obvious fury. “How dare you talk to me like that?”
“How dare you pretend to be a professor when you’re obviously much too stupid to be one?!” shouted Arthur over the man, not realizing his hands were balling up into fists.
Everyone in the room suddenly found themselves unable to move but were shaking on the spot uncontrollably, except for Eames and Arthur.
“What’s happening?” asked Eames, slightly alarmed.
“Fuckfuckfuck,” said Arthur. “I’m just...really fucking mad…”
Eames nodded decisively and dashed forward to the cage. “Alright. Just don’t get fucking mad at me because I’m going to help you save the day.”
He grabbed the cage and then grabbed Arthur’s hand - because Arthur was just standing there gaping at him - and then ran for it with both of them.
Eventually they reached a quiet, secluded spot under a bridge several miles away from the university. Bending down, Arthur fussed over the lion cub that continued to cower in a corner of his cage. For reasons unknown, Arthur was overwhelmed by the urge to call the cub…Nash.
“It is amazing how you’re causing a commotion every time I meet you, darling,” commented Eames, wearing an amused smile.
Arthur looked up at him. “I’m not. It’s everyone else who’s causing commotion over anything I do. And don’t call me that.”
“An interesting way to see it, I suppose.”
“And of course you don’t agree. To you, I’m just a trouble-maker who should have just shut the hell up.”
“That’s not what I-”
“Do you think I want to be this way? Do you think I want to care this much about how everyone else are morons and assholes and incompetent? Don’t you think I know that life would be a lot easier for me if I could just ignore the douchebaggery around me?”
“Don’t you ever let someone else do the talking?”
“Only rarely, so feel honored. And one more thing.”
“Why am I not surprised?”
“You could have just walked away back there.”
Eames raised an eyebrow.
“No matter how shallow and self-absorbed you pretend to be…”
Now, Eames looked offended. “Excuse me, there’s no pretense here. I happen to be genuinely self-absorbed and deeply shallow.”
Arthur gave him a look that basically said, ‘What the fuck, you idiot. What are you even doing here then?’
“If you’re going to just insult me with your facial expression, I suppose you don’t want my help…” Eames crossed his arms, looking ready to walk away. (Or at least, demonstrate his excellent acting skills here.)
“No, wait, I do!” Arthur protested. “My face can’t help looking like that. It’s very good at…frowning. And insulting people.”
“I call it your bitch-face. It’s surprisingly adorable,” commented Eames reluctantly, lips quirking up against his will so soon after being insulted.
Even though he suspected he was being made fun of, Arthur couldn’t help the deep emerald blush that started high on his cheekbones. He quickly turned back to the cage.
“Damn, the cub is still shaking… I really didn’t mean to do that crazy thing back there.”
“What did you mean to do then? And why was I the only one you didn’t do it to?”
Arthur shrugged uncomfortably, looking back at Eames only to notice that he had a trickle of blood on his face. He got up quickly, stepping close to look at the cut in worry.
“You’re bleeding! How do you even get scratched on your face when you were carrying the cage?” said Arthur disparagingly.
Though his words were harsh, his hands were gentle as he touched Eames’ face and turned it to have a better look at the cut. He didn’t notice Eames staring intently at him before reaching out to gently catch his hands and move them away.
“Darling, I need to get the cub to safety now or I cannot be held responsible for what I’ll do to you if we keep standing here like this.”
Then he swooped down to pick up the cage before striding away quickly.
Arthur stared after him with his mouth parted in surprise.
Note: The artwork that inspired this entire fic was about this scene in particular. Go enjoy the image of Elpharthur and Fiyeames!
SCENE 8
"Hands touch,
Eyes meet,
Sudden silence,
Sudden heat,
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl,
He could be that boy,
But I’m not that…girl…"
Arthur stopped. “Yeah, this totally doesn’t fit.”
He just glared at the ground with his customary heavy frown and downturned lips before storming off.
SCENE 9
Arthur watched his sister wheeling towards him with Yusuf walking alongside her. He was torn with indecision. The Wizard of Oz had asked Headmistress Mal to pass him a message. It was hard to believe but the Wizard had heard of Arthur's abilities and wanted to see him in person.
Now, Arthur was about to board the train to the Emerald city. But it would mean leaving Ariadne here alone and he had never left her all on her own before. What would she do without him watching her every move and carrying out invasive background checks on each and every one of her friends to be sure they were not psychopaths?
He was barely listening to Domm who was dispensing useless advice. “Remember, eye contact. And don’t forget that speech I wrote for you about being the best at this and how if you’re to work for him, he needs to completely let you in to all his secrets. Are you listening to me?”
“No,” replied Arthur honestly.
Ariadne told him sternly as she came to a stop beside him, “I can see you second guessing this which is totally not on. You are going and that’s final and I don’t want you to worry your pointy little head over this.”
Arthur touched the back of his carefully-gelled head self-consciously. “My head is not pointy.”
“Are you still worried?” Domm asked, rolling his eyes. “Don’t be silly. Yos can take care of Ariadne.”
“It’s Yusuf,” corrected Yusuf exasperatedly.
Ariadne smiled encouragingly at Arthur. “And I’ll be totally busy anyway, planning the promotion of Yusuf’s new chemicals at Munchkinland later this summer! Right, Yusuf?”
Yusuf looked torn and unhappy. “I…I have to go.”
He jogged away quickly.
Arthur’s lips thinned. “That’s it. There’s no way I can go now. I have to go and interrogate Yusuf over his strange and unacceptable behavior.”
“Oh, don’t be silly, Arthur!” insisted Ariadne. “As if as I’m incapable of handling myself without your presence or Yusuf’s. I’ll be fine. And I’ll go find out what’s bothering Yusuf later. He’s been strangely distracted when talking about his work recently.”
Arthur fidgeted with his canvas bag, wanting to insist on staying but knowing that Ariadne would probably roll over his toes with her wheelchair. Like how she did yesterday to make him agree to go see the Wizard. That really hurt.
“Um, well, I guess you guys will be fine without me,” he muttered. “Where’s your ‘best friend’, Domm?”
Domm sighed. “I don’t know. He’s been strange lately, always sneaking off to do whatever it is he does. In fact, lately I’m starting to think that there might be someone else more suited to be my best friend.”
“Really?”
“Yes, really,” Domm squinted at him meaningfully.
Before Arthur could analyze that, Eames was sauntering up to them.
“I brought you a farewell gift, Arthur,” said Eames as a greeting, giving him a wrapped parcel.
“What is it?” asked Arthur gingerly, feeling slightly awkward seeing Eames for the first time since...since.
Eames smiled. “Moleskine books. I know how you like to take notes with those.”
Arthur held on to them more firmly, feeling his neck starting to heat up under his collar. “Thanks…that’s surprisingly thoughtful.”
“Your condescension, as always, is much appreciated, Arthur.” The teasing smirk spoke volumes.
Ariadne gasped. “Oh my God, Arthur, how could you not have told me that the two of you-”
“Are friends? It’s a new development. We don’t even know each other that well,” said Arthur quickly.
Domm stared at the two of them.
Eames looked Arthur in the eye steadily. “I’ve been thinking about our last meeting around the Lion cub. I didn’t want to do this because there could be consequences.” His lips quirked up. “Then I realized, when did that ever stop me before?”
With that, he stepped right into Arthur’s personal space and murmured, “Please don’t break my arm, Arthur. I know how you are about people and sudden movements.”
Arthur realized he was already gripping Eames’ arm, but he didn’t think he was about to break the man’s arm. That really couldn’t be why his heart was racing, heat rising up to his cheeks.
And then Eames was leaning in, brushing his lips gently against Arthur’s. Arthur gasped at the feel of soft lips and stubble.
“Oh, how am I supposed to be a gentleman around you?” murmured Eames, still pressed so close that he was sharing Arthur’s breath.
He tilted Arthur’s face and kissed him deeply, publicly laying claim. Arthur found himself short of breath, clutching at those broad, gorgeous shoulders. Eames hummed satisfactorily before mouthing at Arthur’s lower lip as he drew back slowly.
Arthur opened his eyes, gaze drawn to those parted, reddened lips. He was breathing heavily, he realized and he was still standing in Eames’ embrace. He couldn’t find it within him to care.
“Is this a dream?” asked Arthur, in a lust-fogged daze.
Eames chuckled, kissing him lightly one more time. “We would be doing much more than this if this was a dream. Really, you mustn’t be afraid to dream bigger, darling.”
Then he was drawing back and Arthur released his death grip on Eames reluctantly. Ariadne’s wolf-whistling finally brought him back to Oz. He pulled at this waistcoat with slightly shaky hands and fixed his tie.
He realized Domm was staring at him. “What?”
Domm said suspiciously, “I didn’t even know you guys were friends.”
Eames gave him a light smack on the shoulder. “We’re allowed to have other friends, Domm.”
“Yes, well, as long as you don’t have too many,” agreed Domm grudgingly. “I didn’t know the both of you were such Animal activists.”
Arthur rolled his eyes. “I don’t think we are. We’re just not as self-absorbed as you are.”
Domm protested hotly, “What are you talking about? I’m not self-absorbed!”
“Keep telling yourself that,” advised Eames.
Pissed off that his supposed best friends were ganging up on him, Domm proclaimed rashly, “I’ll have you know that in protest of Professor Fischer’s treatment, I’ve…I’ve changed my name to Dom! With a single ‘em’!”
“That doesn’t even make sense,” pointed out Ariadne.
Immediately, Dom regretted it. “Yeah, okay. Can you guys pretend you didn’t hear that?”
Arthur smiled. “No. Dom.”
“Fuck,” swore Dom.
Eames said casually, “By the way, Dom, did you know Mal is going to the Emerald City as well?”
Immediately, Dom turned pleading eyes on Arthur. “Surely you can take me along with you, as a good friend of yours, who has helped you and given you so many tips on popularity and-”
“Yes, fine! Stop talking already, I’m going to miss my train. Just come along, it’s not like I care,” grumbled Arthur.
Dom hugged him tight. “You’re a good friend, Artie.”
“Break. Your. Legs.”
After Arthur had extricated himself from Dom, he bent to hug his sister and stood awkwardly in front of Eames.
“Don’t forget my advice,” said Eames.
Arthur frowned. “What advice?”
“Your train is about to leave, darling,” was all Eames replied with, so Arthur and Dom had to make a dash to get onboard.
Arthur looked out of the window, waving at Eames and Ariadne who were watching from the platform as the train pulled away.
-To be continued-
Author's notes: The last three parts here were written really fast so...not sure how they turned out. I'm pretty much speeding through this crack fic because while I find it fun to write, I've a long 25,000 words Inception fic that I'm trying to finish. ;__; And it's not crack.
Speed writing, gogogo!
Fic: Ozception (nope, I still shouldn't be coming up with names)
Author: J
Pairing: Arthur/Eames as main pairing (There are other pairings which I'm not listing so as not to give anything away)
Rating: M
Warning: This is crack fic. Neither Inception nor Wicked will be safe from warpage or ridicule. No plot will be left un-mangled, no character left in-character. There will be low brow and inappropriate humour. There will be references to bad, illegal behavior. There will be violence and profanity.
And worst of all, this fic is unbetaed and will probably contain typos and grammatical errors of the brain-searing variety. Or cause hilarity. Depending on how late at night I’m posting.
Summary: This is a Wicked!Inception AU, in reference to Wicked, the Broadway musical. Arthur is an unfortunately green witch (yes, witch). A talented but grumpy young witch, he will face trials and tribulations as he tries to do the right thing.
SCENE 1
Arthur’s father went on and on and on and on. Usually, Arthur had a steady enough attention span to catch every word his father said but this time, he was distracted by all the young, loud people at the Shiz University. Was that group over there actually spontaneously singing about life at the university?
He tuned in to hear his father say, “I am only sending you here despite being a penny-pincher because I must ensure my beautiful Ariadne will have someone to wait on her hand and foot and protect her from the uncouth youth of today. So I expect daily missives on Ariadne’s well-being and if you miss one communication, I’ll have you whipped.”
“Business as usual then, father?” asked Arthur.
“Yeap.”
Once the governor of Munchkinland had given his precious Ariadne a pair of silver shoes as a parting gift and departed without giving Arthur anything at all, the wheelchair-bound sister turned her face up to her brother and said grumpily, “I wish he wasn’t such an asshole.”
Arthur shrugged, saying calmly, “At least Munchkinlanders aren’t known for their strong whipping arm. I like writing daily reports anyway.”
“Well...but couldn’t you leave out things like what I ate as a midnight snack and which boy said ‘hi’ to me on the street and what your background check turned up on him? It’s one thing being green, it’s another being a green creeper.”
“Ariadne, would you prefer I not report these things and be tortured with hot pokers instead?” asked Arthur.
She thought about it.
After a minute, she sighed. “I guess not.”
“Thank you,” he replied wryly, as he pushed his sister forward in her wheelchair.
He noticed several people staring at him and some even openly pointing and sneering. He noted down the people who were being ruder than normal and vowed to short sheet their beds and stick their hands in bowls of warm water when they were asleep. It was petty but he took his revenge where he could.
Ariadne pointed back at a gaggle of students who were pointing at him, saying loudly at them, “You will be jealous when Arthur gets a lead role in a “go green, it’s environmentally friendly” car ad!”
At this point, Arthur decided to leave his sister to pointlessly berate the idiots. He pulled out his paperwork and headed towards the headmistress quite determinedly. He was organized and always prepared so he knew his father had kindly not arranged a room for him but he figured it would be easier to work things out once he had actually arrived. The headmistress was a lady dressed in a very tight black dress that hugged her curvaceous body and the neckline went down way too low to be appropriate for a higher education institution. A gaggle of students stood around her, enamored and clamoring for attention.
“Excuse me, I noticed that I haven’t been assigned any accommodation,” Arthur said loudly over her group of fans.
The headmistress looked over and started going over her list for more information on the boy, who was quite green from head to toe. Only his hair all sleeked back was a solid black along with his narrow eyes.
She shook her head in sympathy and said in a French - because the French transcended space and magic - accent, “Like all unattractive or misunderstood lead characters in a play, it seems like the first plot device is for us to put you in close quarters with someone you will dislike and who is very different from you. So you shall have to share.”
Arthur shrugged. “It shouldn’t be too hard to find someone. I’m different from everyone and I don’t like anyone. And at least it’s not a plot device where I inexplicably screw up the biggest part of my research just so we can all be in grave danger during the most important part of the job.”
The headmistress started scanning the room and she quickly spotted a handsome blond man wearing a white suit. He was surrounded by a posse of giggling fans and when he cast a squint around him, girls and boys alike swooned.
“Adorable blond man,” called out the headmistress. “What is your name?”
The man looked over and his eyes lit up at the sight of the headmistress. “My name is Domm Cobb.”
“Dom-”
“Domm, with a double em.”
“Dom, you won’t mind rooming with Arthur here, will you?”
“Um, well, I-”
“Thank you, my lovely boy,” she purred and he visibly went wobbly at the knees.
Arthur protested, “Look, I’m not sure I can room with a guy who obviously can’t tie a Windsor knot righ-”
At that moment, a girl wandered by and stopped beside them with her headphones blaring - because this might be Oz, but iPods definitely transcended space and magic too - guaranteeing that she would be deaf by 30 and that Arthur was interrupted by strange, hokey music as she stood there rifling through her bag.
He turned a glare at her but she didn’t notice him. She actually whipped out her iPod from her bag and turned the music up.
Ariadne muttered, “Oh no, here we go.”
Arthur's eyebrows came down in a sharp frown and the girl’s iPod started shooting out sparks. She shrieked and yanked the headphones off, tossing the smoking iPod out of her bag in horror.
The headmistress proclaimed, “What a stunning display of sorcery! They make the iPods with so many protection spells these days that they hardly ever do that anymore.”
Ariadne, who had wheeled herself closer to her brother, stared at her. “Why are there chills going down my spine at the sight of you?”
“The feeling inspired by scary crazy women who are a product of scary crazy men’s guilty brain reaches through genre and alternate universes. But ignore all that,” said the woman with a wave of her hand. “I am Mal, the Headmistress. You, Arthur, are extremely talented and you might be meeting the Wizard soon if you can gain control over your abilities.”
Arthur thought about it. “Does he really hate iPods?”
Mal shrugged elegantly. “He could probably do with someone who has the extraordinary ability to freeze people in place and cause them to shiver in fear. But we can start with the destruction of small music players.”
“Yeah, okay,” Arthur conceded.
She sashayed away. Mal was possibly the only person in Oz who could sashay without looking like a pretentious wannabe.
Domm stared after her before turning to stare at Arthur who had woken up a little peaky today and as such, was rather violently green.
“Hey, wow, you’re really green,” the guy noted.
Arthur frowned. “You’re really blonde and you’re wearing a very sloppy tie.”
The blonde glared. “What were you talking about with the lovely Mal?”
“My accommodation. You were here when we were talking about it,” said Arthur incredulously.
Domm merely squinted. Then he started saying in a singsong way, "UNUSUALLY, AND EXCEEDINGLY PECULIAR AND ALTOGETHER QUITE-"
“Yeah, fuck this bullshit,” said Arthur as he wheeled Ariadne away post-haste.
SCENE 2
Their history lecturer, Robert Fischer, was returning their essays. Robert was the only dog on the faculty. An actual dog, not dog of the lusty, pervy male variety. With his floppy spaniel ears and shaggy tail, he was the sole Animal professor in the university and it always weighed heavily on him, this responsibility.
He commented as he passed the papers out, “Dom-”
“It’s Domm,” said Domm, dragging out the 'mm'.
“Stop being an asshole, double em Domm,” grumbled Arthur.
Domm shot him a hurt look.
“Dom,” repeated Robert as he ignored the exchange. “This is a history class. Drawing a maze in lieu of an essay is not acceptable, no matter how good a maze and I did get quite lost trying to work through it, but yes, unacceptable.”
Domm explained eagerly, “It’s a representation of the confusion and difficulty one has when navigating through the varying records of history!”
“That’s so clever, Domm!” chimed up one of his posse.
Arthur wished he was never born. A non-existence would be preferable to sharing a class - and a room - with one Domm Cobb.
“Alright class, pay attention,” said Robert as sternly as he could, which wasn’t very at all. “History can be hard to understand. Sometimes we look back and try to figure out where it all went wrong. Was it the day I chose a pinwheel instead of a monster truck as a toy? Was it when I chose to be a lecturer here instead of my father’s own university? And of course, it’s harder being the only Animal on the faculty. There used to be more of us around but then the great drought came along and they needed someone to blame so even though it makes no sense whatsoever, they blamed the Animals. And to make things worse, some fathers have to call to say things like ‘I told you so, now if you know what’s good for you, get your ass out of Oz!’ without any respect whatsoever for your personal and professional decisions.”
Domm raised his hand. “Have you thought of getting your mind incepted so you can get over your issues with your father?”
Robert frowned. “I have to say…that has never occurred to me at all.”
Domm told him intensely, “An idea is like a virus, resilient, highly contagious and the smallest seed of an idea can grow. It can grow to define or destroy you.”
There was a silence before the class broke out into applause, minus Arthur who couldn’t believe how stupid his life was. Domm nodded congenially at everyone, minus Arthur because Arthur was mean and had short sheeted Domm’s bed last night.
“Um…let’s just get on with the class then,” said Robert as he flipped the blackboard over with his fuzzy brown paws.
On the blackboard, written in huge bold letters, were the words, “Bark arf arf bark BARK.”
His already droopy ears drooped further. “Oh…I think...class dismissed.”
Everyone raced for the door before he could change his mind, minus Arthur who was always a bit of a teacher’s pet. No pun intended.
Robert said unconvincingly as he fidgeted with his tail, “You don’t have to worry about me, Arthur. Go and enjoy yourself with your friends.”
“It’s alright, I don’t have any friends. None of them are sane enough to qualify,” explained Arthur. “You know, who cares what they say and how they taunt you for being different? I’m different and they say a lot of shit about me too. At least you have really sharp teeth which are a lot more useful than being the color of broccoli.”
“If only it was just the words on the chalkboard... The things I hear these days about what’s happening to us Animals...they really depress me,” said Robert sadly.
“But a lot of things depress you,” pointed out Arthur.
“That’s true.”
They stood there in awkward silence.
Robert blurted out, “The worst thing is that those words on the board say ‘Robert has daddy issues, LOL’.”
“Oh. But that’s true too.”
Robert turned wobbly eyes at him.
“I mean, that totally sucks.”
“It does.”
SCENE 3
Domm watched in boredom as a guy he was calling Yos tried to convince him that they needed to be best friends right now. It was so hard being popular, having to fend off all these interested admirers.
He sighed. “Look, Yos, I-”
“Yusuf.”
“Yos, if I get a best friend, it needs to be someone who can stand by my side and show the world what a compatible duo we are and how much fun we have, not someone who’ll stay behind and mix up fun chemicals for me.”
“But they’re fun Oz-shattering chemicals! Can’t we be the sort of best friends where I keep you supplied with all the sedatives you need and you tell everyone how brilliant my work is so that someone sponsors my Masters?”
Domm was about to question his need for sedatives when he was distracted by a man in brown paisley tights sauntering by. “Wait, isn’t that Eames who impersonated the Winkie prince’s fiancée so well that no one realized he had made away with most of the treasury and that he had a penis all along?”
As Eames walked by, Domm squinted at him meaningfully. Eames smirked, raising his eyebrows before squinting back. Domm was delighted that they were sharing a moment.
Politely, Yusuf asked, “Were you looking for someone or something?”
Eames smiled charmingly. “Actually, if you could point me towards the history class…”
“Oh, that just ended,” Domm explained.
“I always did have good timing,” noted Eames with a carefree shrug.
Domm grinned at the newcomer’s refreshing attitude. “I’m Domm.”
“Hello there, Domm. My name is Eames.” Looking around curiously, he asked, “So what does one do for fun around here.”
Domm started talking quickly, “We have this new magichnology that I’ve been trying out and it involves dreamsharing-”
Yusuf started talking quickly too, “I have been tweaking the Somnacin Potion compound and I think I can achieve-”
“Splendid!” interrupted Eames with a clap of his hands. “To celebrate these new branches of study, we should have a ball!”
“That…doesn’t make sense,” said Domm uncertainly.
“Would you prefer I sing about how you lads are terribly stuffy and the ways I will show you the joie de vivre by expounding on the virtues of being a bum and by holding a ball? I’ve been known to shrivel up snails and attract cats in heat when I break out in song,” offered Eames cheerfully.
“No, you’re right, we should have a ball,” said Domm, arms raised in surrender.
Yusuf turned to him determinedly. “Wouldn’t a ball be a great place to announce our good friendship and for you to promote my new more potent mixes?”
“Are we talking about drugs?” asked Eames in delight.
“Only of the legal variety,” assured Yusuf.
Domm looked around wildly for an escape and an idea struck him as his eyes landed on Ariadne.
He took a deep breath. “SEE THAT TRAGICALLY BEAUTIFUL GIRL, THE ONE IN A CHAIR? IT SEEMS SO UNFAIR-”
Yusuf looked pained. “Can we skip the singing? I don’t respond well to them because of a traumatizing incident that happened when I was small, involving my nanny, a kookaburra and two hundred pounds of tomatoes.”
Domm huffed grumpily, “No one appreciates my talents. Anyway, I heard that girl over there in a wheelchair is really lonely and she only has a creepy green brother for company. I’m sure she would love to have a best friend who’s a genius at chemistry and she’s even the daughter of a governor so she definitely has a wide target audience for future promotions.”
“Oh, really? If she’s the daughter of a governor, maybe she has a few loyal citizens who are willing to be my test subjects…” murmured Yusuf as he wandered off.
Eames raised an eyebrow. “That was quite sneaky. I’m impressed.”
Domm’s eyes gleamed. “You seem like the best friend type, Eames.”
Eames looked taken aback at the non-sequitur. “I’m really not. And what are we, five? Best friends??”
“Well, you might want to reconsider. After all, being my best friends comes with many perks, including loyal followers, the ability to do no wrong, access to forbidden grounds and a lot, a lot of popularity.”
Eames tapped his jaw, a slow smile growing on his face. “I’m sure we can negotiate something then.”
“I’m so glad we had this conversation,” said Domm intensely while squeezing Eames’ shoulder. “Now let me get my minions, I mean, my fans who will organize your ball for you.”
“This is really turning out to be a fruitful partnership,” commented Eames with some appreciation.
SCENE 4
“And he’s really clever! He’s doing such groundbreaking research and he’s the only one who got accepted into Advanced Experimentifying with Chemicalities 323, which isn’t even supposed to be open to second years. Some of the things he talks about go over my head but...well, he’s kind of hot with this really adorable accent,” said Ariadne, a little dreamily. “His hands look really capable when he’s working with his chemicals too.”
Arthur winced. “The more you tell me, the more I have to put into this report back to father.”
She looked at him curiously before asking, “So what has your background check on Yusuf turned up?”
“I don’t know what you’re-”
“Oh, you can’t fool me, Arthur!”
He stared at his folder moodily. The thing was...his research had turned up nothing. By all intents and purpose, Yusuf seemed to be a genuinely nice guy who had no horrible skeletons in the closet involving walling up ex-girlfriends or breeding his cats for the nefarious purpose of taking over the world. The most unusual thing showing up on his profile was his inexplicable, steady stream of average income despite not working any tax-paying job.
The money went towards paying all of Yusuf’s exorbitantly priced chemicals for his experiments so at least he wasn’t using it to fund a hidden drug/drinking/gambling habit. A little more digging led Arthur to suspect that Yusuf was probably running the first dream-den ever to hit Oz, out of the university’s own chem lab. It was probably a testament to how trusting - or stupid - the people were at the university since no one else had questioned why multiple students from various faculties disappeared into the lab for hours on end.
Still...Arthur couldn’t exactly find fault with what Yusuf was doing. At least it showed that the budding chemist had good business acumen as well.
“Fine, fine, he seems okay,” said Arthur grudgingly.
“Oh wow! That’s the first!” Ariadne really did attract the crazy ones. “You know, your roommate was the one who pointed me out to Yusuf. It’s nice that he’s helping me make more friends. Maybe Domm isn’t that bad after all?”
It made his stomach queasy to think about it but maybe...he could...
“Hmm.”
SCENE 5
Mal looked up through her lashes at Domm coyly. He felt his heart thumping against his chest, sure that this was his moment, that something had been growing between the two of them and he had luckily prepared this speech about trains-
“Arthur,” she started.
He was outraged. “My name is Domm!”
Mal crossed her arms, pushing up her impressive cleavage which distracted him momentarily. “Arthur has insisted you be admitted to the ‘Projection Control in Dream Theory’ class.”
“Arthur? But...why would he do that?” asked Domm in shock. “I’ve wanted to get into that class since the start of the semester! And he’s been gloating about his attendance even though he doesn’t actually need to take the class, since he apparently never has problems with stray projections and the occasional car-wrecking train.” Domm wasn’t bitter about his warped subconscious, no, not at all.
“I’m not sure why Arthur insisted on letting you in, seeing as Professor Oracel has a phobia of squints and refused to teach you even though you qualify for her class. But Arthur is her best student so she has agreed to let you attend as long as you always wear sunglasses during her class and not move your eyebrows too much.”
“But Arthur doesn’t do nice things for me...” muttered Domm, while at the same time, experiencing the unusual and creeping feeling of this strange sensation that might be labeled...guilt.
“Your classes aside...” Mal continued, “You’ll save a dance for me?”
Eames, who had sidled up on silent feet, commented, “Seems a bit unethical to have the Headmistress come on to a student.”
Domm jabbed him in the ribs. “I’ll save all my dances for you.”
Her eyes gleamed in approval.
At that moment, Arthur stepped into the Ozdust Ballroom. Other than his green complexion that clashed really badly with the orange disco lights, his prim and proper, well-fitted waistcoat and jaunty witch’s hat absolutely did not match everyone else who had come to the 70s themed disco ball. All the bell-bottom wearing men and froofy-haired women turned to stare and started whispering contemptuously about him.
“Bugger but he looks good,” commented Eames. “And absolutely out of place. Has the boy no idea what a 70s themed disco ball entails?”
“Oh shit. Um, don’t stare, please,” asked Domm piteously, because in a moment of spite earlier, he had invited Arthur to the ball and told him that it was a ‘Halloween’ theme instead. It was the oldest trick in the book. He had even given the witch’s hat to Arthur, insisting that he had to wear it to get entry to the ball. Oh god, he was an asshole.
Eames continued staring. “How could I not stare? He looks incredibly lovely and silly at the same time, the contradiction is doing my head in.”
Ignoring the stares, Arthur just walked to the middle of the room and stood there with his arms crossed. He refused to go stand in a corner out of everyone else’s way and he was only budging when the alcohol came out so that he could drown his embarrassment in whiskey.
Nodding approvingly, Eames said, “At least he doesn’t have any shame. A very important quality in a man.”
Mal made a moue of sadness. “Oh, Arthur.”
Then she shot Domm a look of disappointment as if she knew exactly what he had done. Unable to bear the guilt of his actions after what Arthur had done for him combined with Mal’s disappointment, Domm hurried over to Arthur.
“You asshole.” Arthur glared.
Domm smiled weakly. “At least you look quite dashing?”
“Shut the fuck up.”
“In my defense, I didn’t know we had a truce. What changed your mind?”
“No, seriously. Shut. The. Fuck. Up.”
“Sorry, sorry... Give me your hat,” said Domm as he reached out for it.
Arthur tried to duck away from his hands but he was taken by surprise and Domm was surprisingly fast for a blonde. He had the hat off Arthur’s head and onto his own in a jiffy.
Now, Arthur stared at him uncertainly. “What are you doing?”
“Nothing,” said Domm with determination.
Then he linked his arm with Arthur’s, like they were the best mates ever. People started whispering again, but it was to talk about Arthur’s newly elevated status now instead of his great lack of social grace or appropriate party wear.
SCENE 6
“That was your first ever party? Seriously?’ asked Cobb in shock and horror.
Arthur rolled his eyes. “You have noticed I’m completely green right? I don’t exactly make a nice addition when everyone’s photo whoring. I photo bomb just by existing in the background.”
“But still...surely people invite you to parties that are...dimly lit?”
“Seriously, you should just never talk.”
“This is just really surprising. Tell me something else no one knows,” Domm demanded. “I’ll go first if you want: Eames is going to be my partner for life.”
“I didn’t know you were gay.”
“Professional partner for life.”
“Really? He doesn’t seem like the type to tie himself down professionally to a guy he just met two days ago.”
“He’ll come around to it. After all, we’re best friends already. Now, you go.”
“I feel like we’re in a sitcom for fourteen year olds.”
“Hurry up, we can’t do this manly bonding thing if you don’t start sharing with me your deepest, darkest secrets,” explained Domm earnestly.
“I don’t feel very manly. In fact, I feel a little uncomfortable with where this is going.” But he caved under Domm’s expressively serious frown. “Fine, fine. My father hates me.”
Domm seemed taken aback. “I’m sure he’s just not very good at expressing his filial attachments. If I was a father, I would never-”
“No, shut up. That wasn’t the secret,” cut in Arthur in exasperation. “The secret is that he hates me because he blames me for Ariadne’s disability. My mother had this stupid love for those liquid chlorophyll, health drinks because some asshole travelling salesman convinced her that it was good for her health only it caused me to come out like this. That’s what you get for eating health food products in a land of magic. Anyway, my father didn’t want Ariadne to come out...”
Domm offered helpfully, “Virulently green all over?”
“Thank you. Yes. That. So he made my mother chew moonflowers throughout her pregnancy with Ariadne because he is the most fucking stupid douchebag in Oz who doesn’t research and Ariadne came too early, with her legs all...all tangled up. And mother...she never woke up. And my other secret? My other secret is that I’ll never forgive my father for being a stupid, judgmental shit and for doing that to Ariadne.”
Domm stared. “Your life sucks and your father really is the most fucking stupid douchebag in Oz.”
“Thanks.”
“Damn, I really feel bad now. Compared to the perfectly comfortable and luxurious life I’ve had, yours was really sucktastic,” said Domm.
“Have you considered never talking ever again?”
“You know what, Artie- Do you mind if I call you Artie?”
“Yes,” said Arthur vehemently.
“You’ll be my new project where I make you over and teach you how to be popular, Artie!” declared Domm.
“I will maim you if you continue calling me that,” declared Arthur.
Domm smiled. “We must be becoming friends now. You used to threaten me with dismemberment. Anyhow, I think we’ll start with the basics!”
And because Arthur knew where this was going, he quickly said, “Skip the song.”
Domm would sulk but he was in too much of a good mood now that he had a protégé. “First, you need to stop dressing up like Ariadne’s uptight bodyguard. In fact, you can wear any of my clothes from my wardrobe.” He gestured magnanimously as he said that.
Arthur frowned. “I think it’s a bit rich that you’re giving me fashion advice when you have to get one of your fans to knot your ties for you and tie your shoelaces. And you haven’t even noticed that they don’t know anything about ties either.”
“Then, you need to practice looking intense and serious. The boys and girls like it. It goes like this: Squint, squint!” He demonstrated with two particularly intense squints in a row.
Arthur just stared.
“You can even do it with your whole body,” continued Domm, tensing his shoulders and frowning with all his might as he squinted.
“I’m leaving now before I get infected by your crazy,” said Arthur as he left the room at a half-run.
“You’re welcome!” hollered Domm after him.
He turned to his mirror and practiced a squint. “Damn that looks good. No wonder so many people like me.”
SCENE 7
Really, there was no way Arthur was going to wear Domm’s clothes, even if they were the last pieces of clothing in Oz.
But the other advice…it wasn’t like he really had anything to lose. There was being on the lowest rung of the social ladder and then there was drilling underground to where Arthur was courtesy of his green skin. He took a deep breath.
“Squint. Squiiint,” he said as he…squinted.
At that moment, Eames walked by. He blinked. “Pet, is there something in your eye?”
Fuck, this was totally not working.
“Yes, but it’s gone now,” said Arthur quickly, widening his eyes instead.
“Good, because that looked strangely like Domm Cobb’s squint and we’re all definitely better off without a Domm clone,” said Eames, lips curving up on one side.
Now he just needed a strategic corner to go die in embarrassment.
“It’s not like I could actually come close to being a Domm clone,” muttered Arthur, just a teensy bit bitterly.
“Why would you want to? You make a perfectly good Arthur,” said Eames, full out smiling now.
Arthur blinked, nearly blinded by the pretty. Eames’ teeth weren’t all straight, but there was something so mischievous and inviting about those plush lips and wicked curve of a smile…Arthur quickly pulled himself away so he wouldn’t be staring anymore. “Yeah, whatever.”
He was walking back to his seat when a stranger in a suit walked in. It was a rather nice suit too.
“You’re not Professor Fischer,” stated Arthur warily.
The stranger smiled, a rather disturbingly toothy expression. “Very observant, strange-looking green kid. Professor Fischer had to, ah, leave. But I’m his replacement. Now take your seats everyone and we will begin our class.”
Within a few minutes of entering the class, he was whipping off a cloth that had been covering a cage and in the cage…there was a lion cub.
Arthur stared.
Then the new professor started talking about how putting animals in cages was progress and innovation, how the animals would not learn how to speak if they lived in the cage.
“What the fuck?” asked Arthur incredulously, nudging the nearest person to him who happened to be Eames.
“What are you going to do about this?” asked Eames quietly.
Arthur glared at him and then said loudly to the class, “That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”
The new professor - whom Arthur couldn’t even bother remembering his name because he certainly wasn’t taking this class anymore - blinked. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, that that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard, asshole. How is this progress? What’s so enlightening about the idea that his learning is stunted once he’s kept in a cage? I would like to see how developed you get if I locked you up in a cage all your life.”
The professor trembled with obvious fury. “How dare you talk to me like that?”
“How dare you pretend to be a professor when you’re obviously much too stupid to be one?!” shouted Arthur over the man, not realizing his hands were balling up into fists.
Everyone in the room suddenly found themselves unable to move but were shaking on the spot uncontrollably, except for Eames and Arthur.
“What’s happening?” asked Eames, slightly alarmed.
“Fuckfuckfuck,” said Arthur. “I’m just...really fucking mad…”
Eames nodded decisively and dashed forward to the cage. “Alright. Just don’t get fucking mad at me because I’m going to help you save the day.”
He grabbed the cage and then grabbed Arthur’s hand - because Arthur was just standing there gaping at him - and then ran for it with both of them.
Eventually they reached a quiet, secluded spot under a bridge several miles away from the university. Bending down, Arthur fussed over the lion cub that continued to cower in a corner of his cage. For reasons unknown, Arthur was overwhelmed by the urge to call the cub…Nash.
“It is amazing how you’re causing a commotion every time I meet you, darling,” commented Eames, wearing an amused smile.
Arthur looked up at him. “I’m not. It’s everyone else who’s causing commotion over anything I do. And don’t call me that.”
“An interesting way to see it, I suppose.”
“And of course you don’t agree. To you, I’m just a trouble-maker who should have just shut the hell up.”
“That’s not what I-”
“Do you think I want to be this way? Do you think I want to care this much about how everyone else are morons and assholes and incompetent? Don’t you think I know that life would be a lot easier for me if I could just ignore the douchebaggery around me?”
“Don’t you ever let someone else do the talking?”
“Only rarely, so feel honored. And one more thing.”
“Why am I not surprised?”
“You could have just walked away back there.”
Eames raised an eyebrow.
“No matter how shallow and self-absorbed you pretend to be…”
Now, Eames looked offended. “Excuse me, there’s no pretense here. I happen to be genuinely self-absorbed and deeply shallow.”
Arthur gave him a look that basically said, ‘What the fuck, you idiot. What are you even doing here then?’
“If you’re going to just insult me with your facial expression, I suppose you don’t want my help…” Eames crossed his arms, looking ready to walk away. (Or at least, demonstrate his excellent acting skills here.)
“No, wait, I do!” Arthur protested. “My face can’t help looking like that. It’s very good at…frowning. And insulting people.”
“I call it your bitch-face. It’s surprisingly adorable,” commented Eames reluctantly, lips quirking up against his will so soon after being insulted.
Even though he suspected he was being made fun of, Arthur couldn’t help the deep emerald blush that started high on his cheekbones. He quickly turned back to the cage.
“Damn, the cub is still shaking… I really didn’t mean to do that crazy thing back there.”
“What did you mean to do then? And why was I the only one you didn’t do it to?”
Arthur shrugged uncomfortably, looking back at Eames only to notice that he had a trickle of blood on his face. He got up quickly, stepping close to look at the cut in worry.
“You’re bleeding! How do you even get scratched on your face when you were carrying the cage?” said Arthur disparagingly.
Though his words were harsh, his hands were gentle as he touched Eames’ face and turned it to have a better look at the cut. He didn’t notice Eames staring intently at him before reaching out to gently catch his hands and move them away.
“Darling, I need to get the cub to safety now or I cannot be held responsible for what I’ll do to you if we keep standing here like this.”
Then he swooped down to pick up the cage before striding away quickly.
Arthur stared after him with his mouth parted in surprise.
Note: The artwork that inspired this entire fic was about this scene in particular. Go enjoy the image of Elpharthur and Fiyeames!
SCENE 8
"Hands touch,
Eyes meet,
Sudden silence,
Sudden heat,
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl,
He could be that boy,
But I’m not that…girl…"
Arthur stopped. “Yeah, this totally doesn’t fit.”
He just glared at the ground with his customary heavy frown and downturned lips before storming off.
SCENE 9
Arthur watched his sister wheeling towards him with Yusuf walking alongside her. He was torn with indecision. The Wizard of Oz had asked Headmistress Mal to pass him a message. It was hard to believe but the Wizard had heard of Arthur's abilities and wanted to see him in person.
Now, Arthur was about to board the train to the Emerald city. But it would mean leaving Ariadne here alone and he had never left her all on her own before. What would she do without him watching her every move and carrying out invasive background checks on each and every one of her friends to be sure they were not psychopaths?
He was barely listening to Domm who was dispensing useless advice. “Remember, eye contact. And don’t forget that speech I wrote for you about being the best at this and how if you’re to work for him, he needs to completely let you in to all his secrets. Are you listening to me?”
“No,” replied Arthur honestly.
Ariadne told him sternly as she came to a stop beside him, “I can see you second guessing this which is totally not on. You are going and that’s final and I don’t want you to worry your pointy little head over this.”
Arthur touched the back of his carefully-gelled head self-consciously. “My head is not pointy.”
“Are you still worried?” Domm asked, rolling his eyes. “Don’t be silly. Yos can take care of Ariadne.”
“It’s Yusuf,” corrected Yusuf exasperatedly.
Ariadne smiled encouragingly at Arthur. “And I’ll be totally busy anyway, planning the promotion of Yusuf’s new chemicals at Munchkinland later this summer! Right, Yusuf?”
Yusuf looked torn and unhappy. “I…I have to go.”
He jogged away quickly.
Arthur’s lips thinned. “That’s it. There’s no way I can go now. I have to go and interrogate Yusuf over his strange and unacceptable behavior.”
“Oh, don’t be silly, Arthur!” insisted Ariadne. “As if as I’m incapable of handling myself without your presence or Yusuf’s. I’ll be fine. And I’ll go find out what’s bothering Yusuf later. He’s been strangely distracted when talking about his work recently.”
Arthur fidgeted with his canvas bag, wanting to insist on staying but knowing that Ariadne would probably roll over his toes with her wheelchair. Like how she did yesterday to make him agree to go see the Wizard. That really hurt.
“Um, well, I guess you guys will be fine without me,” he muttered. “Where’s your ‘best friend’, Domm?”
Domm sighed. “I don’t know. He’s been strange lately, always sneaking off to do whatever it is he does. In fact, lately I’m starting to think that there might be someone else more suited to be my best friend.”
“Really?”
“Yes, really,” Domm squinted at him meaningfully.
Before Arthur could analyze that, Eames was sauntering up to them.
“I brought you a farewell gift, Arthur,” said Eames as a greeting, giving him a wrapped parcel.
“What is it?” asked Arthur gingerly, feeling slightly awkward seeing Eames for the first time since...since.
Eames smiled. “Moleskine books. I know how you like to take notes with those.”
Arthur held on to them more firmly, feeling his neck starting to heat up under his collar. “Thanks…that’s surprisingly thoughtful.”
“Your condescension, as always, is much appreciated, Arthur.” The teasing smirk spoke volumes.
Ariadne gasped. “Oh my God, Arthur, how could you not have told me that the two of you-”
“Are friends? It’s a new development. We don’t even know each other that well,” said Arthur quickly.
Domm stared at the two of them.
Eames looked Arthur in the eye steadily. “I’ve been thinking about our last meeting around the Lion cub. I didn’t want to do this because there could be consequences.” His lips quirked up. “Then I realized, when did that ever stop me before?”
With that, he stepped right into Arthur’s personal space and murmured, “Please don’t break my arm, Arthur. I know how you are about people and sudden movements.”
Arthur realized he was already gripping Eames’ arm, but he didn’t think he was about to break the man’s arm. That really couldn’t be why his heart was racing, heat rising up to his cheeks.
And then Eames was leaning in, brushing his lips gently against Arthur’s. Arthur gasped at the feel of soft lips and stubble.
“Oh, how am I supposed to be a gentleman around you?” murmured Eames, still pressed so close that he was sharing Arthur’s breath.
He tilted Arthur’s face and kissed him deeply, publicly laying claim. Arthur found himself short of breath, clutching at those broad, gorgeous shoulders. Eames hummed satisfactorily before mouthing at Arthur’s lower lip as he drew back slowly.
Arthur opened his eyes, gaze drawn to those parted, reddened lips. He was breathing heavily, he realized and he was still standing in Eames’ embrace. He couldn’t find it within him to care.
“Is this a dream?” asked Arthur, in a lust-fogged daze.
Eames chuckled, kissing him lightly one more time. “We would be doing much more than this if this was a dream. Really, you mustn’t be afraid to dream bigger, darling.”
Then he was drawing back and Arthur released his death grip on Eames reluctantly. Ariadne’s wolf-whistling finally brought him back to Oz. He pulled at this waistcoat with slightly shaky hands and fixed his tie.
He realized Domm was staring at him. “What?”
Domm said suspiciously, “I didn’t even know you guys were friends.”
Eames gave him a light smack on the shoulder. “We’re allowed to have other friends, Domm.”
“Yes, well, as long as you don’t have too many,” agreed Domm grudgingly. “I didn’t know the both of you were such Animal activists.”
Arthur rolled his eyes. “I don’t think we are. We’re just not as self-absorbed as you are.”
Domm protested hotly, “What are you talking about? I’m not self-absorbed!”
“Keep telling yourself that,” advised Eames.
Pissed off that his supposed best friends were ganging up on him, Domm proclaimed rashly, “I’ll have you know that in protest of Professor Fischer’s treatment, I’ve…I’ve changed my name to Dom! With a single ‘em’!”
“That doesn’t even make sense,” pointed out Ariadne.
Immediately, Dom regretted it. “Yeah, okay. Can you guys pretend you didn’t hear that?”
Arthur smiled. “No. Dom.”
“Fuck,” swore Dom.
Eames said casually, “By the way, Dom, did you know Mal is going to the Emerald City as well?”
Immediately, Dom turned pleading eyes on Arthur. “Surely you can take me along with you, as a good friend of yours, who has helped you and given you so many tips on popularity and-”
“Yes, fine! Stop talking already, I’m going to miss my train. Just come along, it’s not like I care,” grumbled Arthur.
Dom hugged him tight. “You’re a good friend, Artie.”
“Break. Your. Legs.”
After Arthur had extricated himself from Dom, he bent to hug his sister and stood awkwardly in front of Eames.
“Don’t forget my advice,” said Eames.
Arthur frowned. “What advice?”
“Your train is about to leave, darling,” was all Eames replied with, so Arthur and Dom had to make a dash to get onboard.
Arthur looked out of the window, waving at Eames and Ariadne who were watching from the platform as the train pulled away.
-To be continued-
Author's notes: The last three parts here were written really fast so...not sure how they turned out. I'm pretty much speeding through this crack fic because while I find it fun to write, I've a long 25,000 words Inception fic that I'm trying to finish. ;__; And it's not crack.
Speed writing, gogogo!