Fic, Lost: Solitude Standing (Jack/Juliet), for 12_stories
Since the Des/Claire confrontation is kind of ditched right now and nothing else I should do wants to cooperate, I'll go with exorcising the last episode.
Title: Solitude Standing
Pairing: Jack/Juliet
Rating: PG13
Disclaimer: ppfff. If Lost was mine I wouldn't have needed to write this because what happened in episode 4x10 wouldn't have happened.
Word count: 1908
Spoilers: Up to 4x10.
Summary: Six months after a submarine took her away from home and to another place she came to hate with all of herself, she realized that it was either living by three rules and sticking to them or renounce definitely to the idea of going back.
A/N: for 12_stories #3, rules. And because I needed to exorcise last episode for real. The ending is probably never going to happen but well, I said I wanted to exorcise. And Juliet is better for him than Kate is anyway. Title stolen from a Suzanne Vega song after one hour trying to find one.
Juliet Burke never was a person who lived by rules.
This, until she arrived on the island.
Before, she hadn’t really needed some rule to stick to in order to make her way through life; sure, she had made some wrong choices and had had her fair share of bad luck (she still asks herself why did she ever marry Edmund, but she has long renounced to find an answer for it), but still, she never lived by rules.
Six months after a submarine takes her away from home and to another place she’ll come to hate with all of herself, she realized that it was either living by three rules and sticking to them or renounce definitely to the idea of going back.
Rule number one was never do anything if it doesn’t benefit you.
Rule number two was do everything that gains you advantage.
Rule number three was think about your well-being only.
So she made up her mind and stuck to them, all the way.
She still did the job she was there for because if she didn’t, she knew Ben would never let her leave.
She became Goodwin’s lover. It was wrong and she knew it, but even when she understood that it was dangerous for him, she didn’t renounce it because it was the only thing left that keept her sane. She needed what she had with Goodwin even if it wasn’t love, nothing close to it.
She realized that Ben was always going to have the upper hand on her, but when he made the offer regarding that spinal surgeon, she accepted because it could have helped her gaining that advantage she needed.
And then she was going to finally leave.
--
Juliet, when accepting Ben's offer, didn’t realize that she would have broken all of those three rules because of Jack.
--
Jack crawls under her skin sort of slowly but steadily; he doesn’t even realize he’s doing it, but he does and for how much she tries to stop it, it doesn’t really work.
She doesn’t know what it is about him. Surely not his looks because for how much she can shiver in pleasure when she imagines his hands slowly threading in her hair (it happens for the first time when she brings him the sandwich and she doesn’t even know why that train of thought started), for how much she can’t help staring at his arms, so strong and lean, or at his tattoos wondering how would it feel like to touch them, this isn’t nothing compared to her desire to leave.
But then she shoots Pickett even when she knows that Jack would never let Ben die that way.
Maybe it’s because for a second or two she had a doubt that he really could do it, or maybe it’s because it was the only way to make sure that Jack got what he wanted.
She knows this is going to bring her trouble either way and that’s when she breaks rule number three.
--
Then he saves her life and she decides that if they have the same target, there’s nothing bad in trying to be closer to him. So when they’re back at the Barracks she invites him to dinner every night even if she doesn’t cook it herself and uses Dharma preparates; it’s the worst mistake she could have done.
She had thought she only felt some kind of physical attraction for him and sure, she was thankful for what he did for her back at the Hydra island even if he didn’t have a reason to; nothing more than that. And rules are made to be broken, right?
With everyone else, he’s at best polite, but detached. It’s clear that he’s itching to leave. With her he’s different, though. Once she asks him whether he can play the piano for her and he does. He never smiles during the day but he smiles at her a couple of times during that week when he’s at her house every evening and she tries to deny that her heart skips a couple of beats when he does.
On the fifth evening he tells her how he felt like when he watched Ford and Austen in that cage and her reaction is all wrong.
She should file that information away in order to use it in the future, it may come handy, and she does; but meanwhile, something wrong happens.
She feels something close to jealousy when she realizes how important is Austen to him and it’s nonsense.
But then she feels deeply sorry for him and that’s even more nonsense.
When she thinks I wish I was the one he could forget Austen with she realizes she broke rule number two. Because with that, she lost every advantage she had over him.
--
Then she goes to the beach and she’s supposed to betray him.
Not them. She couldn’t care less about them. But him.
Sure, the Sun matter is what pushes her in the final direction; but if she didn’t feel some kind of nausea at the idea of betraying Jack’s trust, if it just wasn’t so wrong that she couldn’t sleep at night, if he didn’t speak with her like he was sure she was sincere, if her chest didn’t ache every time he smiled at her, she would have gone through with Ben’s plan.
She tells Jack, knowing that it means renouncing to go back.
She breaks rule number one and she doesn’t feel sorry for it as she felt the previous two times.
--
But that wasn’t seemingly enough for her, since she breaks them all over again and always for him.
--
She breaks rule number one when she tells him that if he gets involved with her Ben is going to hunt him down. If she had thought about what was going to benefit her, surely it didn’t comprehend Jack ending up like Goodwin did but in this moment she can’t care less.
When his lips touch hers, Juliet allows herself to forget for a second about Ben, about Kate, about her sister, about Goodwin and about what she was going to do ten minutes before. She lets his arms close around her and she thinks that maybe he’s never going to love her the way she loves him (and it would be just stupid not to admit that she does love him) but this is close enough and it will do.
--
She breaks rule number two when she agrees to have Kate inside the tent during the operation. She shouldn’t have agreed, she should’ve kept her advantage, but she didn’t. And when she looks into his eyes, she realizes that she’s never going to win over her.
--
She breaks rule number three when she tells Kate about the kiss knowing he’s awake.
If she had thought about her well-being, she would have kept it to herself. She would have tried to ignore everything that happened and pretend that Jack didn’t kiss her for himself, that he wasn’t try to prove himself that his heart didn’t lay where it lays.
But she’s been through enough to realize that it wasn’t ever going to work like this. So she straightens it out even if she can feel her heart shattering into pieces as she speaks. Pretty ironic that the only two men she ever truly loved both ended up leaving her alone. Maybe it’s really her fate.
Kate is happy. Good for her, because Juliet never has been so miserable all her life.
She can’t help thinking she should have stuck to those rules. She won’t break them again.
--
Jack is in front of her.
He’s changed.
He’s thinner, he’s tired, he’s got a two or three days stubble all over his face, there are dark circles under his eyes, completely different from how he was three years ago when she last saw him.
He doesn’t try to touch her and she doesn’t try to touch him; they just stare at each other. She doesn’t know what she’s supposed to do; it looks like he doesn’t have an idea, either.
His right hand shakes. It’s light at the beginning, way stronger after about a minute of total and utter silence.
Jack comes closer; Juliet doesn’t move. She doesn’t close her eyes and run as she’s tempted to do; but she really doesn’t know what she’s supposed to do right now.
“Would you forgive me?”, he says, his voice trembling and cracking, a tear escaping from his left eye, his tone so desolated that she can’t help shivering.
It’s obvious that he’s expecting a negative answer and it’s the least he’d deserve.
He didn’t trust her when he should have, he kissed her because he was trying to convince himself that he wasn’t in love with Kate, he left her behind, it took him three years to come back and forgiveness is something she shouldn’t spare him with.
Or maybe she could, then get on the ship and vow never to see him again for the rest of her life. That’d be maybe the best thing to do for both of them.
She should stick to her rules now because they never let her down when she still followed them.
Jack’s hand trembles, out of control. Juliet doesn’t know how it happens but suddenly her hands are around it, keeping it still. He doesn’t say anything; she doesn’t look at him. His breathing becomes faster.
Juliet raises her eyes, meeting Jack’s and then she isn’t able to turn her head away; they look bigger than she remembered, maybe because his whole face is thinner now. They’re still as warm as she remembers, his stare desperate and well, he really is sorry, no doubt about it, but that isn’t the point. She has already been screwed once. Does she want to go through it all again?
Kate didn’t come. She isn’t here. It’s just Jack, Hurley and Sayid. Does it mean something?
She looks at him again; he lowers his head, biting his lip, even if he doesn’t go. It’s obvious he’s just waiting for her no.
She’s got an advantage over him right now, and a pretty good one; what would really benefit her, would be making him understand how damn wrong he was and the only thing to grant her well-being would be to leave him there, get on that ship and go straight back to Miami as soon as it docks.
And never see him again, of course.
But he’s there and he’s different and damn it, she really must be one hopeless case because when she speaks she means to say I can forgive you but it’s the last you’ll see of me, but Yes is the only word that comes out and nothing else wants to follow.
His other hand is suddenly on the back of her neck while she brings the one she’s cradling between her fingers over her heart.
This isn’t supposed to happen but then he looks at her and she nods and then his lips are over hers and when she parts them, just to see if he’s going to retreat like it happened last time, he doesn’t and then they’re really kissing and she’s just broken rule one, two and three with just one word.
She can safely say that this time he’s doing it for her. Then she stops thinking altogether.
End.
Title: Solitude Standing
Pairing: Jack/Juliet
Rating: PG13
Disclaimer: ppfff. If Lost was mine I wouldn't have needed to write this because what happened in episode 4x10 wouldn't have happened.
Word count: 1908
Spoilers: Up to 4x10.
Summary: Six months after a submarine took her away from home and to another place she came to hate with all of herself, she realized that it was either living by three rules and sticking to them or renounce definitely to the idea of going back.
A/N: for 12_stories #3, rules. And because I needed to exorcise last episode for real. The ending is probably never going to happen but well, I said I wanted to exorcise. And Juliet is better for him than Kate is anyway. Title stolen from a Suzanne Vega song after one hour trying to find one.
Juliet Burke never was a person who lived by rules.
This, until she arrived on the island.
Before, she hadn’t really needed some rule to stick to in order to make her way through life; sure, she had made some wrong choices and had had her fair share of bad luck (she still asks herself why did she ever marry Edmund, but she has long renounced to find an answer for it), but still, she never lived by rules.
Six months after a submarine takes her away from home and to another place she’ll come to hate with all of herself, she realized that it was either living by three rules and sticking to them or renounce definitely to the idea of going back.
Rule number one was never do anything if it doesn’t benefit you.
Rule number two was do everything that gains you advantage.
Rule number three was think about your well-being only.
So she made up her mind and stuck to them, all the way.
She still did the job she was there for because if she didn’t, she knew Ben would never let her leave.
She became Goodwin’s lover. It was wrong and she knew it, but even when she understood that it was dangerous for him, she didn’t renounce it because it was the only thing left that keept her sane. She needed what she had with Goodwin even if it wasn’t love, nothing close to it.
She realized that Ben was always going to have the upper hand on her, but when he made the offer regarding that spinal surgeon, she accepted because it could have helped her gaining that advantage she needed.
And then she was going to finally leave.
--
Juliet, when accepting Ben's offer, didn’t realize that she would have broken all of those three rules because of Jack.
--
Jack crawls under her skin sort of slowly but steadily; he doesn’t even realize he’s doing it, but he does and for how much she tries to stop it, it doesn’t really work.
She doesn’t know what it is about him. Surely not his looks because for how much she can shiver in pleasure when she imagines his hands slowly threading in her hair (it happens for the first time when she brings him the sandwich and she doesn’t even know why that train of thought started), for how much she can’t help staring at his arms, so strong and lean, or at his tattoos wondering how would it feel like to touch them, this isn’t nothing compared to her desire to leave.
But then she shoots Pickett even when she knows that Jack would never let Ben die that way.
Maybe it’s because for a second or two she had a doubt that he really could do it, or maybe it’s because it was the only way to make sure that Jack got what he wanted.
She knows this is going to bring her trouble either way and that’s when she breaks rule number three.
--
Then he saves her life and she decides that if they have the same target, there’s nothing bad in trying to be closer to him. So when they’re back at the Barracks she invites him to dinner every night even if she doesn’t cook it herself and uses Dharma preparates; it’s the worst mistake she could have done.
She had thought she only felt some kind of physical attraction for him and sure, she was thankful for what he did for her back at the Hydra island even if he didn’t have a reason to; nothing more than that. And rules are made to be broken, right?
With everyone else, he’s at best polite, but detached. It’s clear that he’s itching to leave. With her he’s different, though. Once she asks him whether he can play the piano for her and he does. He never smiles during the day but he smiles at her a couple of times during that week when he’s at her house every evening and she tries to deny that her heart skips a couple of beats when he does.
On the fifth evening he tells her how he felt like when he watched Ford and Austen in that cage and her reaction is all wrong.
She should file that information away in order to use it in the future, it may come handy, and she does; but meanwhile, something wrong happens.
She feels something close to jealousy when she realizes how important is Austen to him and it’s nonsense.
But then she feels deeply sorry for him and that’s even more nonsense.
When she thinks I wish I was the one he could forget Austen with she realizes she broke rule number two. Because with that, she lost every advantage she had over him.
--
Then she goes to the beach and she’s supposed to betray him.
Not them. She couldn’t care less about them. But him.
Sure, the Sun matter is what pushes her in the final direction; but if she didn’t feel some kind of nausea at the idea of betraying Jack’s trust, if it just wasn’t so wrong that she couldn’t sleep at night, if he didn’t speak with her like he was sure she was sincere, if her chest didn’t ache every time he smiled at her, she would have gone through with Ben’s plan.
She tells Jack, knowing that it means renouncing to go back.
She breaks rule number one and she doesn’t feel sorry for it as she felt the previous two times.
--
But that wasn’t seemingly enough for her, since she breaks them all over again and always for him.
--
She breaks rule number one when she tells him that if he gets involved with her Ben is going to hunt him down. If she had thought about what was going to benefit her, surely it didn’t comprehend Jack ending up like Goodwin did but in this moment she can’t care less.
When his lips touch hers, Juliet allows herself to forget for a second about Ben, about Kate, about her sister, about Goodwin and about what she was going to do ten minutes before. She lets his arms close around her and she thinks that maybe he’s never going to love her the way she loves him (and it would be just stupid not to admit that she does love him) but this is close enough and it will do.
--
She breaks rule number two when she agrees to have Kate inside the tent during the operation. She shouldn’t have agreed, she should’ve kept her advantage, but she didn’t. And when she looks into his eyes, she realizes that she’s never going to win over her.
--
She breaks rule number three when she tells Kate about the kiss knowing he’s awake.
If she had thought about her well-being, she would have kept it to herself. She would have tried to ignore everything that happened and pretend that Jack didn’t kiss her for himself, that he wasn’t try to prove himself that his heart didn’t lay where it lays.
But she’s been through enough to realize that it wasn’t ever going to work like this. So she straightens it out even if she can feel her heart shattering into pieces as she speaks. Pretty ironic that the only two men she ever truly loved both ended up leaving her alone. Maybe it’s really her fate.
Kate is happy. Good for her, because Juliet never has been so miserable all her life.
She can’t help thinking she should have stuck to those rules. She won’t break them again.
--
Jack is in front of her.
He’s changed.
He’s thinner, he’s tired, he’s got a two or three days stubble all over his face, there are dark circles under his eyes, completely different from how he was three years ago when she last saw him.
He doesn’t try to touch her and she doesn’t try to touch him; they just stare at each other. She doesn’t know what she’s supposed to do; it looks like he doesn’t have an idea, either.
His right hand shakes. It’s light at the beginning, way stronger after about a minute of total and utter silence.
Jack comes closer; Juliet doesn’t move. She doesn’t close her eyes and run as she’s tempted to do; but she really doesn’t know what she’s supposed to do right now.
“Would you forgive me?”, he says, his voice trembling and cracking, a tear escaping from his left eye, his tone so desolated that she can’t help shivering.
It’s obvious that he’s expecting a negative answer and it’s the least he’d deserve.
He didn’t trust her when he should have, he kissed her because he was trying to convince himself that he wasn’t in love with Kate, he left her behind, it took him three years to come back and forgiveness is something she shouldn’t spare him with.
Or maybe she could, then get on the ship and vow never to see him again for the rest of her life. That’d be maybe the best thing to do for both of them.
She should stick to her rules now because they never let her down when she still followed them.
Jack’s hand trembles, out of control. Juliet doesn’t know how it happens but suddenly her hands are around it, keeping it still. He doesn’t say anything; she doesn’t look at him. His breathing becomes faster.
Juliet raises her eyes, meeting Jack’s and then she isn’t able to turn her head away; they look bigger than she remembered, maybe because his whole face is thinner now. They’re still as warm as she remembers, his stare desperate and well, he really is sorry, no doubt about it, but that isn’t the point. She has already been screwed once. Does she want to go through it all again?
Kate didn’t come. She isn’t here. It’s just Jack, Hurley and Sayid. Does it mean something?
She looks at him again; he lowers his head, biting his lip, even if he doesn’t go. It’s obvious he’s just waiting for her no.
She’s got an advantage over him right now, and a pretty good one; what would really benefit her, would be making him understand how damn wrong he was and the only thing to grant her well-being would be to leave him there, get on that ship and go straight back to Miami as soon as it docks.
And never see him again, of course.
But he’s there and he’s different and damn it, she really must be one hopeless case because when she speaks she means to say I can forgive you but it’s the last you’ll see of me, but Yes is the only word that comes out and nothing else wants to follow.
His other hand is suddenly on the back of her neck while she brings the one she’s cradling between her fingers over her heart.
This isn’t supposed to happen but then he looks at her and she nods and then his lips are over hers and when she parts them, just to see if he’s going to retreat like it happened last time, he doesn’t and then they’re really kissing and she’s just broken rule one, two and three with just one word.
She can safely say that this time he’s doing it for her. Then she stops thinking altogether.
End.