Maybe, just maybe

[jaehee18]

Title: Maybe, just maybe
Length: One-shot
Genre: Angst, Romance, Smut
Pairing: KaiSoo, KungSooxRyeowook, KaixOC
Disclaimer: I don't own anything but the story.
Summary: Love triangles are the worst thing that could happen to someone. And you aren't always the movie's protagonist
Author's note: This a KaiSoo I wrote some time ago for my friend, I didn't think of posting it here because it is supposedly a YJ livejournal, but hey, it's my story XD I hope you'll like it guys~



“I love him.” She confessed once to you.

It was sudden, her confession, you expected this, but at the same time you didn’t. You always saw her looking at him with those longing eyes. With that expression of a puppy in love, sickly in love with someone that doesn’t spare a glace for her like a lover should. But instead he loved her dearly, as a sister, as a friend, as someone whom he could rely on every time he needed to.

“And I know you love him too.” Her voice sounded again in your room.

Again. You expected this, but at the same time you didn’t. You didn’t expect her to be so blunt and daring. To say those words out loud. But in this room, there were only two people. You and her. Nobody else could hear that secret that you kept inside. Or you thought so.

“The way you look at him,” she made a pause, maybe fighting to find the right word, maybe because she didn’t want to tell you, it pained her, maybe… just maybe, “the way I look at him. The way someone looks at a star. Beautiful, but untouchable.”

It was true. Every word that she said. She wasn’t your best friend for nothing; she wasn’t your other half for nothing. And you were that for her too. It was silly how both of you could fall in love with the same person. But at the same time, it was unsurprisingly, you had the same tastes since you two were in diapers.

“And?” you asked her with a small voice, afraid of raising its tone. Maybe because if you would raise it, your voice would crack and break. Or maybe you’ll be afraid of how the raised tone will come out. Harsh, pained, angry. You didn’t want to hurt her. Not her.

“Could you please lend him to me?” she asked and you looked at her for the first time since she entered the room.

Big, dark eyes, full of uncertainty and pain. A frown on her pretty forehead was the sign that she was in a battle with herself. For what? To ask for this, to confess her feelings, to be selfish. You wouldn’t know.

“Baby girl,” you murmured unsure of what to tell her, “how could I lend to you something that I don’t own?”

You smiled to her and she smiled back.

But inside, you were breaking in little pieces.

You knew that before, you knew that you couldn’t have him, but now it was for sure.

*****

Months later, their relationship was strong.

Everything was so rushed. So sudden. So painful. So tiring.

Why sudden? It felt like yesterday she asked you to lend him to her. But instead, six months passed.

Why painful? You had to watch how she gained his love and the only thing you could do was stand on a side and watch, as their relationship grew closer and your world was falling apart.

Why tiring? Because, despite everything, you were their best friend. That friend that had to smile even if you felt like throwing yourself off a cliff.

Even though your chest felt too heavy, you’d have to smile. For their sake, for your sake. You were lying to yourself. You thought that everything would be fine, you could go through this with indifference, pretty smiles and honest words of encouragement for them. Because you were honest, but that didn’t mean that you wouldn’t like to take her place. To be the one holding his hand, to be the one whose lips were kissed by him, shared his bed, gaining his smiles.

It was a tiring job, to look perfectly happy for them, when your walls were growing higher and your heart was colder than heavy winters. Maybe this was your meaning in this life. Not to be happy on your own, but feign happiness for others.

*****

Two months later their marriage was announced.

Too sudden, again.

Too fast.

You weren’t prepared for this now. Or any other time.

Painful. Everything was more painful. Realisation hit you. She was going to be the wife he always dreamt of.

She wasn’t the best cook, but she could make him smile whenever he was sad.

She was perfect in her own way for him, and everyone else agreed to it. Even you had to agree with it, because what reasons could she have not to be perfect for anyone, not just the love of your life.

*****

Two days before the wedding, he called you.

Something that he hadn’t done in months. Your time with him, or her, reduced to only merely greetings, since they were always together, always happy, always looking perfect.

He called to ask you to accompany him to the club. For his bachelor farewell party.

Why you?

Of all of his friends, why you?

But you were a coward, so you didn’t ask.

Instead, you agreed, sounding cheerful.

It was a chance. A tiny chance to spend time with him, to make him look only at you, without her around.

You felt awful for thinking like his. Ignoring her existence in order to be selfish for one night.

One last night, where you could pretend that you and him were still on great terms. Where his marriage was non-existent.

Where you, maybe, just maybe had a chance to be loved by him.

*****

Clubs weren’t your thing.

You always preferred to read over dancing between sweaty bodies. To avoid being cropped by strangers, hit on by people you don’t want to have contact with.

You were a romantic. Always thought that you’ll marry your first love.

Your fist love, first everything being the last everything.

Silly. Your age was 21, but you never looked away from your untouchable star. Never gave anyone else a chance.

This night, was something that you wouldn’t forget, you told yourself, but you weren’t even sure why. Why would this be unforgettable? How could it be?

And the answers to your questions were found later, after you two got a little bit tipsy because of the drinks you two had.

Not dancing with other people, but instead with each other.
Not touching other people, but touching each other.

It was blissful. A dream that felt too real. A dream that you didn’t want to wake up from. A dream that became reality when his lips touched the skin of your neck, and continued to become even more real when you were biting each other’s lips.

You didn’t know when or how, but he dragged you to the bathrooms. Every part of your body was vibrating with excitement. Your chest was feeling heavy, but not because of guilt, but because of hope.

Was this the time when he’d choose you over her?

When your nightmares transformed into sweet dreams.

And what sweet dreams they were, as he shoved your pants down and you opened your legs willingly. It was an instinctual thing, almost natural, as you wrapped your legs around his waist while he was biting every flesh of skin he could.

Lust was polluting your mind and it felt so right to stop thinking about what others felt. It was so good to take what was given to you, without thinking about the consequences.

As he entered you, you cried. Big, fat, ugly tears, because it hurt. It felt like you were torn apart, he didn’t use any lube, fingers or tongue. He entered raw and fast. And you bit his shoulder because of it.

The pain.
You liked it.
It wasn’t like that pain whenever you saw him touching or kissing her.
It was a pain that you were willing to take as he pounded into your body.

His dark eyes were pouring holes into your soul.
With every thrust, every move, every touch of that spot, you felt your heart growing ever heavier and being filled with more love.

Falling again head over heels because of him.

You have dreamed about this since you were 15 and you found out what you liked. Men over women. Dicks over boobs and vaginas. Being fucked than fucking.

Sparks.
Fireworks.
Butterflies in your stomach.

You lost your virginity to him. Not in the way you wanted.
But it was him.

The one you loved deeply.

The one you would never have.

With a harsh cry and his touch over your member, you came.

It was a blissful thing to feel. People weren’t lying about orgasms.

They did send you to Heaven.

But every trip to Heaven brings you back to Earth.

You weren’t an angel that was allowed to feel that forever.

*****

The wedding day arrived.

And you were crushed more than you could explain. People noticed it. Everyone did. Including her. You no longer smiled, it didn’t work anymore, they could sense your façade being cracked up.

But how stupid people were.

You lost two of your best friends. The only friends that you had. It was normal to be sad.

That’s what they said.

Superficial fools. They had no idea.

After that night, he left you in that dirty stall, dazed, with tears in your eyes and with a sore body. He didn’t say anything.

The only thing that consoled you was the regret in his eyes.

You weren’t sure what was that regret.

But it made you feel better without a legit reason.

You were the best man, you had to be happy, and so you forced yourself to be. For him at least. Because he was finally getting what he wanted.

When someone else’s happiness is your happiness, that’s when you really can say that you love a person. Even though their happiness is not with you.

Taking a deep breath, you entered the bride’s room.

You were shocked.

She was gorgeous.

Her white skin matched perfectly the immaculate color of the dress. Everything was perfect about her.

People say that brides are the most beautiful thing a person should see. But in reality, there were some brides that were truly breathtaking, worth looking at and worshiped.

And she was one of them.

“Why are you staring at me with those big eyes?” she asked laughing carefreely.

The way her eyes lightened up and her laugher sounded. She was truly happy. And you felt like a jerk because you wished that she wouldn’t have existed two nights ago.

“You’re beautiful.” You whispered, not trusting again your voice.

“You think so?” her eyes sparkled. “Thank you!” her words were too sincere and they didn’t help to make you feel better.

You were awful.

“I don’t think so.” You replied. “It’s the truth.”

She looked at you. Her expression changed from happiness to a thing that you couldn’t put your finger on. You couldn’t understand or guess what she was thinking about.

Suddenly, she lifted the fabric of her dress slightly, not to step on it and moved in a fast peace towards you.

And your heart skipped a beat.
What if she knew? What if she knew what happened between him, her best friend and her fiancée, soon to be husband?! What if she would ask him questions? Ask him why?

As soon as she hugged you, arms around your neck, you breathed in relief. She didn’t know.

“I’m sorry.” You heard her say and you wanted to ask why, why she’s saying sorry. “I’m so sorry, Kyungie!”

For what was she sorry? For ruining your happiness, your chances, taking away your love? Or for the fact that you were born as a man?

You wanted to ask why, but instead, you whispered in her hair, words that you didn’t think you would be able to say.

“You’re forgiven!”

*****

You took your place next to Kai where the altar was. Not meeting his eyes, not daring to talk or touch him. Acting like cordial, like you two had only known each other for a few days, when instead it had been years.

The trumpets and the piano started to play. You stood proudly, like you should stand in your best friends’ wedding. A wedding that he dreamed of. Almost everything was how he imaged being at his own wedding.

The door opened, revealing the bride at the arm of her father. She was beautiful and gasps could be heard from the wedding hall. Her steps were timid but full of confidence at the same time. Her smile was dazzling and you felt sick again.

You couldn’t help but let the jealousy eat you alive.

You were human.

Jealousy was something humans know of.

You held your breath the moment Kai took her hand in his. He was emotionless, looking like a stone. Must be the heavy emotions to finally have his dreams fulfilled.

You couldn’t hear anything of what the priest said. Their vows were mute to your ears. The only thing that you heard was his voice, saying the “I do” that he hated so much. Tears threatened to fall from your eyes, but you bit the inside of your cheek, it was over.

He was hers, and you had to accept it.

*****

Two years later, after the wedding, you started to heal.

You didn’t know when, how or why. But you woke up one morning with the wish to move on.

After they had married, they had left the very next day to another country. She had obliged you to swear to her that you’d go and visit them.

You didn’t.

You changed your number, you moved to another flat, had another job, you changed your lifestyle. Your parents tried to convince you to talk with your “best friends”, but you didn’t. You stubbornly refused to do so. They saw you as a bad person with no reasons to cut off everything that you had with Kai and his wife, but they didn’t know how it hurt, how you spent sleepless nights and days without eating.

Everything because of Kai and his wife.

Two people that you erased from your life in order to keep your sanity and rebuild that broken world that they left behind.

*****

One year later you found the joy again to meet new persons.

You found this guy. His name was Ryeowook.

He wasn’t Kai. He was different from Kai. Smiled differently, acted and spoke differently. Too different. Never thought of getting a boyfriend like him. But you didn’t regret anything.

Something between you happened, and it made you happy. Ryeowook was the perfect man for you. You were sure of it.

He could make you smile.
He was making you happy.

He helped you to heal the wounds that others had left open.

He was the one that saved you from the darkness.

*****

Two years later, after your relationship with Ryeowook become more and more serious, something happened.

It wasn’t him.
It wasn’t you.
It was another person.

That fateful morning, when you forgot your wallet and had to get back to fetch it. That morning you took another road towards the shared apartment with your boyfriend. Maybe, just maybe if you wouldn’t have taken that road, you would have avoided meeting him.

It was awkward.

You bumped into him, falling on your butt, cussing a little.

“Clumsy as ever.” His husky deep voice was heard and you remained petrified. “And you started cussing.” He noted and chuckled.

Those chuckles sent shivers down your spine.

“Are you mute or something?” he asked sounding a little bit annoyed and you shook your head.

Taking deep breaths, you stood up from the ground and looked at his face.

He changed.

That was the thing you observed first.

But you weren’t sure if you remembered him correctly. After all, five years had passed and you moved on. Erased everything you could.

“I was just surprised.” You replied with a flat tone, surprising yourself by sounding so calm around him.

Time did wonders, indeed.

Kai looked at you, eyes full of curiosity, as if he was waiting for you to continue.

“You, being here, that’s the surprise.” You said smiling and you surprised yourself once again. You acted so natural, and it made you proud of you.

“Oh!” was the only thing he said to you.

An awkward silence fell between you, until your eyes landed on the watch on his hand. You were fucking late.

“I have to go!” you said fast and you were ready to go, but a hand stopped you.

“Can we see each other later?” he asked and you must have made a face, because he added, “To catch up all these years.”

You nodded, not trusting your voice, despite the other confident phrases that were directed to him. Your first love and everything.

“Let’s meet tonight at our favorite restaurant.” He said smiling brightly while he let go of your hand.

He left you standing there, watching his back as he was becoming less and less visible between the mass of people.

Your favorite restaurant? Which restaurant? His or hers? You asked yourself while you started running towards the house.

*****

Night came up quickly, the day passing by in a blink of an eye.
You found yourself lying to Ryeowook, telling him that you needed air and you needed to be alone for a while. Your boyfriend just nodded his head, kissed your lips and wished you to enjoy that time.

He was truly perfect, you couldn’t ask for more.

As you reached the restaurant, you were unsure of what to do. To get or not out of the car. Did you guess the right restaurant? Was he even here?

But as you made your way in the local and you spotted his handsome features, you knew that every guess that you made was right.

With slow and unsure steps, you made your way towards the table. It was funny, because you were anxious, but you didn’t have any butterflies in your stomach as you had years ago.

A truly great change.

An achievement that you felt so proud of.

The moment he saw you, his face broke into a bright smile and you returned that smile to him. He quickly pulled you in a hug that you didn’t expect, but returned it without thinking too much.

Your body didn’t react the way it would react years ago.

You two took your seats and ordered your dinner. It was awkward, but you decided to break the silence.

“How’s your wife? Your married life?” You asked smiling to him, failing to notice the hurt in his eyes.

“She…,” he started unsurely and your felt something was wrong, “she’s dead.” He said.

A pause and a gulp.

“What? I think I didn’t hear you well. You said that she’s dead, my best friend is dead. How?” you asked not believing it.

How could you believe it? They were supposed to be happily married. Have children, have a big, fucking perfect family. She… she wasn’t supposed to die. She promised, you both promised that you wouldn’t die young.

“Six months ago. Leukemia. She had it before we got married, before we started the relationship that we had.” Kai spoke and you couldn’t believe your ears.

Before their relationship? That long? That much? Why didn’t she tell you? Why did she keep it as a secret?

“She didn’t want you to suffer.” Kai added like he would have read your mind and you remained quiet. “And she wanted me to give you this.”

He handed you a red envelope and you smiled a little at the sight of her ultimate favorite color. With trembling hands, you reached for it.

Opening it slowly, taking your time, the envelope revealed a white sheet.

A short text was written, something that surprised you.
You expected something more detailed.
A full letter, not a note.

In the middle of the white sheet, careful and pretty words were written.

I’m giving you back what I took away from you.
He knows everything.
You deserve happiness!
I love you.
Always loved you,
both of you!

Something inside you broke.
As tears started to flow down your cheeks, you gripped the paper in your hands.

Your best friend was gone. Your little ray of sunshine. The same woman who took away your love, she died. And she was no longer here.

You should have felt better. Maybe because she didn’t exist anymore, and you could take back your love.

But you didn’t.
Instead, you felt miserable.
Thinking that it was unfair that she had to die so young.
So beautiful. With a great future forward.

“Are you sure this is not a joke?” You asked looking straight in Kai’s eyes, searching for something, something that would tell you that’s a joke.

“Why would I joke about this?” he asked, mouth forming a straight line on his face, mood suddenly dropped.

“Well,” you chuckled bitterly, “You don’t look so sad.” You told him and he smiled a little.

“That’s because I had years to prepare for this. I knew from the start. Everything.” Kai said looking at you, speaking the words loud enough for you to hear them clearly.

“Everything?” You mumbled and he nodded. “You mean… you know that me… you and…?” you couldn’t finish your sentence properly.

He knew. But he didn’t do anything to change the situation.

“Yes.”

You were stunned and hurt. He knew, but he didn’t do anything.

“Good, I guess.” You found yourself saying, voice not agreeing with the words.

Silence fell between you again.

The plates were served, but neither you nor Kai touched your food.

Your appetite was gone from the moment you found out about the death of your sunshine.

And you felt bothered by the fact that he knew. Kai knew your feelings for him, but didn’t move a finger to reciprocate them or reject you.
But instead he left you to drown in your own sorrow and misery, while he lived his pretty life with her.

“Are you happy?” Kai questioned you out of nowhere and you looked at him surprised.

Were you happy?
Yes, you were.
Ryeowook was wonderful;
You had a great job and life now.
You felt no longer miserable or useless.

“Yes.” You replied to him, looking in his eyes. “Yes, I am happy. Truly happy.”

“I’m glad.” He murmured with a lazy smile on his lips.

What you didn’t know was that the smile was a painful smile for him.

You started to at least try not to, so the food won’t be a waste of money, effort from the person who did it and the ingredients that were used.

“How are you coping with it?” You asked him between your mouthfuls of the salad.

“Fine.” He said and you raised an eyebrow. “I’m really fine, surprisingly. It was a good thing to see you.” Kai said and you felt a pang in your heart.

Maybe years ago you would have been glad to hear those words, but now, they made you bitter.
Especially since he knew what your feelings were for him.

“Stop playing around, Kai.” You said his name for the first time in a long time and it almost burned your tongue.

“I’m not playing around, Kyung.” He said your nickname and you felt like punching him.

All those bitter feelings from that night came around. You moved on with your feelings for him, but the bitterness and angriness of being used didn’t fade away.

“Liar.” You bit a remark; cheeks flushed red and hands trembling.

He reached for your hand, but you moved it away from it. “Don’t touch me.” You said in a cold tone and his eyes widened.

“What is wrong with you?” He asked you frowning, clearly upset.

“What is wrong with me? What is wrong with you?! How dare you come here and act like everything is fine?” Tears threatened to spill from your eyes, but you held them back.

Kai felt silent and didn’t say anything more to you. And that frustrated you even more.

How could he be like that? So insensible and such a jerk.

“Did you marry?” he suddenly asked and you gaped at him. “You have a ring on your finger I mean.”

And indeed, you did have a ring.
The ring that Ryeowook gave you a couple of months ago for no reason.
Couple rings that you keep wearing as a proof of the seriousness of what you two had together.

“No. I’m not married.” You answered slowly, trying to sound normal.

You were still angry, but he wanted to change the subject. And you followed his lead. This wasn’t a place to bring up bitter arguments from the past.

“But you’re seeing someone, right?” Kai asked you again and you couldn’t hold your annoyance too long.

“Does it matter?”

Frustrating.

He was frustrating.

Kai nodded his head and you sighed.

“Yes, I am seeing someone.” There was no need to hide it. It wasn’t like you were going to cheat on Ryeowook with Kai. It wasn’t possible.

You loved Kai in the past. Dearly. He was your first.

But you lived in the present. Where you loved Ryeowook. Where Ryeowook was the person you woke up next to, every morning. He was the one who surprised you with bed breakfast.

He was the one for you.

Ryeowook was the one who made you smile, like Kai never did.

“Do you love that person?”

Why was Kai asking you those questions?
Why was he adding salt to the wound?
Had he no shame and respect towards your feelings?

“Yes, I do.” You asked, your stomach filling with butterflies at the thought of Ryeowook. “And if you’ll excuse me, Kai, I am really uncomfortable with this discussion. I don’t know why you are back, why you are doing this, why you wanted us to meet, but it isn’t working.”

You couldn’t take it anymore. Faking that you wanted to be next to him or act nice to him.
Yes, you had loved him.
Yes, he was your first.

But he didn’t do anything to gain your love or the right to be your first.
Not even after five years he didn’t say sorry.

“I am not trying to do anything.” You heard him say and you scoffed.

“Too bad.” You muttered, taking some bills from your wallet and throwing them on the table.
“Let the past go, Kai, as I did. Move forward with your life.” You told him as you stood up from the chair.

His face was full of shock and hurt. You tried not to feel bad about it. Or at least, not too bad. He had hurt you and you had the selfish right to hurt him a little too.

“I am sorry for your loss, Kai, but you and her were no longer part of my life. Leave to my parent’s the address where she is buried. I’ll pass by maybe someday to bring her flowers. In the memory of our dead friendship.”

Maybe you were too cruel. Maybe you were harsh. But those words, those hurtful words were something that healed your heart even more.

And it was as you said to him. They were no longer a part of your life, or you a part of their life.

You weren’t a person with lots of experience, but what you’d learnt about life is that it goes on. Time doesn’t wait for anyone. You either live your present, or live in the past while wasting what remained from your life.

As you turned your back to Kai, you figured out that your world wasn’t built to crumble because of him.

And as you undressed and cuddled next to Ryeowook in the bed after you reached home,
you were sure that the right decision had been made.

Best friends or not, if they hurt you, you have to move on from them.
You can’t hold onto something that hurts you, because it will destroy you.