Have Faith In Me (1/?)
Title: Have Faith In Me
Rating: R... maybe eventual NC-17
Pairing: Jalex
Summary: After Jack and Alex are hit by a drunk driver, Jack falls into a coma. When he wakes up he remembers nothing. Nothing except a certain blonde-haired singer who hates himself for what happened to his best friend.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Title credit goes to A Day To Remember.
Author Notes: I'm really excited for this fic haha, I have so many ideas for it, it's unreal. So yeah, let me know what you think :3
3 months later
The continuous beeping was the only thing keeping Alex sane. It was the only thing letting him know that Jack was okay, well, as okay as someone could be when they're in a coma. He hadn't left the younger man alone for more than a few hours at a time since the accident. He couldn't. It was his fault Jack was here in the first place. And besides, what if Jack woke up and Alex wasn't there? He had to be there.
Everyone had tried to convince Alex to leave, to just go home and rest properly, but he brushed them off. He was fine staying in Jack's room on a guest bed, or even the armchair beside Jack's bed if he really needed to.
Even Jack's family had gone home to rest, only coming to the hospital during visiting hours. But not Alex; somehow the hospital had allowed him to stay with Jack, maybe it had something to do with the fact that Alex all but refused to leave, and no one had the heart to stop him from staying.
Alex's hand was tightly but gently covering Jack's, calloused thumb rubbing circles on the smooth skin beneath it, squeezing every now and then as he tried in vain to get some kind of response. He'd been doing it everyday since the accident, trying to get Jack to squeeze back just a little bit, but it never happened.
“Hey, Jacky. It's me again. You're probably getting sick of me being here everyday,” He mumbled, laughing slightly, “The doctor says it's good for your healing if I talk to you, something about how it helps your brain function if you hear someone familiar. I don't know, I'm not a doctor.”
Alex didn't feel like an idiot talking to Jack like this, not anymore. He did in the beginning but soon got over it when he realised how much it actually helped, both Jack and him. The doctors said Jack's brain activity and responses were improving daily, which made Alex happier than anything. Talking to Jack helped Alex suppress the feelings of guilt he had whenever he looked at the dark-haired man's face, but only slightly. They were still there, lurking under the surface like a hidden monster wanting to claw it's way out.
“I don't know if you can hear me, Jacky, but you need to wake up- I need you to wake up. I'm here kicking myself for what happened to you, I'm so sorry Jack. I'm so, so fucking sorry.” Tears welled up in Alex's eyes as he spoke to his comatose best friend, a regular occurrence for him. He didn't think he'd ever get over what he did to Jack.
A knock on the door made Alex's head snap up as it opened, revealing a sheepishly smiling Zack and Rian, the latter of which had a coffee mug in his hand.
“Hey, I thought you might need this.” He said, leaning over towards Alex and placing the mug into the older's hands, who mumbled a thanks and takes a tentative sip. The rich taste of coffee flooded his mouth, burning his tongue slightly but Alex ignored it, he didn't feel pain as much anymore. He didn't feel anything anymore.
“You look like shit, bro.” Zack said half-teasingly, half-serious.
Alex glared at him over the mug, knowing deep down that his friend was right. He probably did look like shit. He'd lost weight from lack of eating. He didn't sleep properly anymore, he couldn't. All Alex saw when he closed his eyes was the accident. Over and over again. From different point of view's, every night. The most recent form of torture was him watching it happen from outside, seeing the car hit Jack's side from the road. And he couldn't do anything about it.
He always woke up screaming, but the nurses didn't take any notice anymore. They'd stopped rushing in after the first few weeks, having come to expect it every night. Of course it never woke Jack, nothing did.
“Yeah, are you okay, Lex?” Rian asked, concern written all over his face.
Alex shrugged, “I'm fine.”
That had become his mantra over the past few months. I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine. And it worked, everyone believed his lies except Rian and Zack. They could see straight through the bullshit, but had never usually commented on it. Alex could see it in their eyes though.
“You sure, bro? You can talk about... it, y'know? It's only us.”
Alex's eyes squeezed shut; he didn't want to talk about it, he wasn't ready to. He shook his head quickly, and heard the other two sigh.
“Okay, you can when you're ready, Lex. No rush, okay?” Rian said comfortingly, patting Alex's shoulder.
“Is it alright if we stayed for a while?” Zack asked.
“Yeah, there's a few spare chairs over there.” Alex said, gesturing over to a corner of the room. His eyes moved back to Jack's still, serene face. He heard the familiar scraping of chair legs against the floor, and Rian and Zack's faces appeared in his peripheral vision.
Alex studied Jack's face for a few moments, taking in his thick eyebrows, eyelashes fanning over his cheeks, his large nose, the stubble that was permanently found on the man's face. But what stood out most was the peaceful expression on his face, it was almost as if he was sleeping. If only he was, Alex thought dejectedly.
“It's my fault, you know.” He found himself saying, Rian and Zack's heads perking up at the sound of his voice.
“What do you mean, Lex?” Rian asked, furrowing his eyebrows.
“I made Jack go out that night.”
Zack shook his head, “It wasn't your fault. You couldn't have known the drunk driver would have hit the car.”
“No, but we shouldn't have even been driving. The weather was shitty, you couldn't see fucking anything!”
Rian and Zack said nothing as Alex continued to rant, his inner demons finally spilling out. It had taken a lot for him to admit even this.
“And I should have been keeping an eye on the road instead of fucking daydreaming! Maybe then I would have seen the car, instead of... this!” He cried, waving frantically at Jack on the bed with his free hand, the other covering Jack's again.
“Now Jack's in a fucking coma, because of me. He might not even wake up, that's what the doctors said. Fuck, I can't imagine life without Jack! I can't imagine not waking up every day and having his face shoved against me as he wakes me up early yet again. I can't imagine never being able to talk to him about anything and everything, and him being the only one who truly understands me. And I can't live knowing it's my fault this happened to him!” Tears spilled over as Alex began to yell, his thoughts flowing out of his mouth with no filter.
“Lex, we...”
“I can't do it. I just can't.” Alex said, cutting off Zack.
“Do you want to be alone for a while?” Rian asked, his heart going out for his broken friend.
Alex just nodded, head hung low, and the other two stood, mumbling a goodbye before shutting the door behind them.
Alex glanced back up at Jack, his vision blurry with tears, “I'm so sorry, Jack. You'll never understand how sorry I am.” He whispered. He let his head drop again, staring down at the floor, watching the tears fall onto the faded tiles. He squeezed his best friends hand again, this time out of the familiar comfort he always got when he was near Jack.
Then his head shot up in disbelief, and he grasped the other boy's hand with both hands.
Because Jack had just squeezed back.
Chapter Two
Rating: R... maybe eventual NC-17
Pairing: Jalex
Summary: After Jack and Alex are hit by a drunk driver, Jack falls into a coma. When he wakes up he remembers nothing. Nothing except a certain blonde-haired singer who hates himself for what happened to his best friend.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Title credit goes to A Day To Remember.
Author Notes: I'm really excited for this fic haha, I have so many ideas for it, it's unreal. So yeah, let me know what you think :3
3 months later
The continuous beeping was the only thing keeping Alex sane. It was the only thing letting him know that Jack was okay, well, as okay as someone could be when they're in a coma. He hadn't left the younger man alone for more than a few hours at a time since the accident. He couldn't. It was his fault Jack was here in the first place. And besides, what if Jack woke up and Alex wasn't there? He had to be there.
Everyone had tried to convince Alex to leave, to just go home and rest properly, but he brushed them off. He was fine staying in Jack's room on a guest bed, or even the armchair beside Jack's bed if he really needed to.
Even Jack's family had gone home to rest, only coming to the hospital during visiting hours. But not Alex; somehow the hospital had allowed him to stay with Jack, maybe it had something to do with the fact that Alex all but refused to leave, and no one had the heart to stop him from staying.
Alex's hand was tightly but gently covering Jack's, calloused thumb rubbing circles on the smooth skin beneath it, squeezing every now and then as he tried in vain to get some kind of response. He'd been doing it everyday since the accident, trying to get Jack to squeeze back just a little bit, but it never happened.
“Hey, Jacky. It's me again. You're probably getting sick of me being here everyday,” He mumbled, laughing slightly, “The doctor says it's good for your healing if I talk to you, something about how it helps your brain function if you hear someone familiar. I don't know, I'm not a doctor.”
Alex didn't feel like an idiot talking to Jack like this, not anymore. He did in the beginning but soon got over it when he realised how much it actually helped, both Jack and him. The doctors said Jack's brain activity and responses were improving daily, which made Alex happier than anything. Talking to Jack helped Alex suppress the feelings of guilt he had whenever he looked at the dark-haired man's face, but only slightly. They were still there, lurking under the surface like a hidden monster wanting to claw it's way out.
“I don't know if you can hear me, Jacky, but you need to wake up- I need you to wake up. I'm here kicking myself for what happened to you, I'm so sorry Jack. I'm so, so fucking sorry.” Tears welled up in Alex's eyes as he spoke to his comatose best friend, a regular occurrence for him. He didn't think he'd ever get over what he did to Jack.
A knock on the door made Alex's head snap up as it opened, revealing a sheepishly smiling Zack and Rian, the latter of which had a coffee mug in his hand.
“Hey, I thought you might need this.” He said, leaning over towards Alex and placing the mug into the older's hands, who mumbled a thanks and takes a tentative sip. The rich taste of coffee flooded his mouth, burning his tongue slightly but Alex ignored it, he didn't feel pain as much anymore. He didn't feel anything anymore.
“You look like shit, bro.” Zack said half-teasingly, half-serious.
Alex glared at him over the mug, knowing deep down that his friend was right. He probably did look like shit. He'd lost weight from lack of eating. He didn't sleep properly anymore, he couldn't. All Alex saw when he closed his eyes was the accident. Over and over again. From different point of view's, every night. The most recent form of torture was him watching it happen from outside, seeing the car hit Jack's side from the road. And he couldn't do anything about it.
He always woke up screaming, but the nurses didn't take any notice anymore. They'd stopped rushing in after the first few weeks, having come to expect it every night. Of course it never woke Jack, nothing did.
“Yeah, are you okay, Lex?” Rian asked, concern written all over his face.
Alex shrugged, “I'm fine.”
That had become his mantra over the past few months. I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine. And it worked, everyone believed his lies except Rian and Zack. They could see straight through the bullshit, but had never usually commented on it. Alex could see it in their eyes though.
“You sure, bro? You can talk about... it, y'know? It's only us.”
Alex's eyes squeezed shut; he didn't want to talk about it, he wasn't ready to. He shook his head quickly, and heard the other two sigh.
“Okay, you can when you're ready, Lex. No rush, okay?” Rian said comfortingly, patting Alex's shoulder.
“Is it alright if we stayed for a while?” Zack asked.
“Yeah, there's a few spare chairs over there.” Alex said, gesturing over to a corner of the room. His eyes moved back to Jack's still, serene face. He heard the familiar scraping of chair legs against the floor, and Rian and Zack's faces appeared in his peripheral vision.
Alex studied Jack's face for a few moments, taking in his thick eyebrows, eyelashes fanning over his cheeks, his large nose, the stubble that was permanently found on the man's face. But what stood out most was the peaceful expression on his face, it was almost as if he was sleeping. If only he was, Alex thought dejectedly.
“It's my fault, you know.” He found himself saying, Rian and Zack's heads perking up at the sound of his voice.
“What do you mean, Lex?” Rian asked, furrowing his eyebrows.
“I made Jack go out that night.”
Zack shook his head, “It wasn't your fault. You couldn't have known the drunk driver would have hit the car.”
“No, but we shouldn't have even been driving. The weather was shitty, you couldn't see fucking anything!”
Rian and Zack said nothing as Alex continued to rant, his inner demons finally spilling out. It had taken a lot for him to admit even this.
“And I should have been keeping an eye on the road instead of fucking daydreaming! Maybe then I would have seen the car, instead of... this!” He cried, waving frantically at Jack on the bed with his free hand, the other covering Jack's again.
“Now Jack's in a fucking coma, because of me. He might not even wake up, that's what the doctors said. Fuck, I can't imagine life without Jack! I can't imagine not waking up every day and having his face shoved against me as he wakes me up early yet again. I can't imagine never being able to talk to him about anything and everything, and him being the only one who truly understands me. And I can't live knowing it's my fault this happened to him!” Tears spilled over as Alex began to yell, his thoughts flowing out of his mouth with no filter.
“Lex, we...”
“I can't do it. I just can't.” Alex said, cutting off Zack.
“Do you want to be alone for a while?” Rian asked, his heart going out for his broken friend.
Alex just nodded, head hung low, and the other two stood, mumbling a goodbye before shutting the door behind them.
Alex glanced back up at Jack, his vision blurry with tears, “I'm so sorry, Jack. You'll never understand how sorry I am.” He whispered. He let his head drop again, staring down at the floor, watching the tears fall onto the faded tiles. He squeezed his best friends hand again, this time out of the familiar comfort he always got when he was near Jack.
Then his head shot up in disbelief, and he grasped the other boy's hand with both hands.
Because Jack had just squeezed back.
Chapter Two