just_muse_me | 25.5.2. Grieve
25.5.2. Grieve
[Takes place about four months after THIS | Companion piece to THIS, THIS and THIS]
Contains references / spoilers for
Season 4 of Friday Night Lights
Jason could think of a hundred reasons why his mind could have brought him to the Panthers stadium on that cold November afternoon, but none that he wanted to settle on as an excuse. Coach Taylor wasn't even part of the Dillon Panthers anymore, so it wasn't that. In the division of the town, he had practically been castrated and forced out of the team, now coaching the newly re-established East Dillon Lions. Jason hadn't gotten much involved in the whole politics of the town division. His heart wasn't in Dillon anymore. Most days, he didn't even know why he was still here beyond fearing that any attempt to make more changes would just end in more disaster. Dillon was where all the disaster started, and for some negatively comforting way, at least he knew what shit he was in here. It was a comfort zone for him, albeit now just an increasingly miserable one.
He flipped the collar of his jacket up to shield his neck from the chilled breeze sweeping across the stadium and then took a sip of the beer he'd had sitting in between his paralysed knees. Most days now, he was drunk before sunset. He had fallen into that routine with Tim in the wake of everything that happened four months ago. But even then, most days he didn't even see Tim. After the split with Sam, Tim fell right back into his old ways. Jason had lost track of who all his best friend was sleeping with. Some days, he could have more than one chick on the go and he was usually drunk in the midst of it. Jason could handle the boozing. He did grow up in Dillon afterall. The sex he had no interest in. Actually, that was a lie. He just only had interest in sex with one girl and that was history now. Jason just wasn't sure anymore if he had the energy to try and fall in love again. It wasn't even a case of once bitten, twice shy. Every time he thought he was getting close to being happy, it crashed and burned around him, leaving him drained and exhausted.
And lonely.
He missed Taylor. That's why he was here at the Panthers Stadium and he couldn't deny it. This was the place they ended their first date, and the place he first tried to propose to her. This time, it had nothing to do with his accident. He wanted, and needed, to feel some sort of connection to her in her absence and this was the only place he could think to find it. Everywhere else reminded him of all the rest of the crap Dillon left him in. The place just wasn't the same anymore. It wasn't just town boundaries that had changed, people had changed, attitudes had changed, the passion had changed. All into something Jason just no longer felt part of.
Drawing in a long breath, he let it out in a rush in an effort to not let the emotions engulf him again. He still struggled to believe everything that happened in the lead up to losing Taylor. Just when everything seemed to be perfect, it all ended. Jason and Taylor were engaged to be married, planning the wedding for early next year. Taylor was pregnant, over three months and starting to show. They were starting to make a life together and they were happy. It wasn't a forced happiness, either. It wasn't something Jason felt like he had to jump (proverbial) hurdles to succeed with. It didn't come with any prices he had to pay to achieve it. It was just right.
But then everything started to tip off the tracks when Sam thought she saw Tim kissing Lyla in the supermarket. It was one of those things that, at a glance, could really seem like something it wasn't. Jason hadn't seen it with his own eyes, he had only seen Sam's reaction and really struggled to believe it was that. Tim was a wild one, without a doubt, but if he was content with someone, he could learn to settle and get himself on the right track. He seemed to be doing that with Sam. But after living through Tim's lies and cheating with Lyla, being the victim of all that, even Jason's confidence in his friend wavered over Sam's suspicions. Maybe Tim really would have kissed Lyla? Or maybe it was worse, maybe they were having another affair, this time with Sam as a victim. Leopard, spots, all that.
It probably would have stayed as just a minor hitch in the road, too. It turned out that this time Tim was innocent. Lyla had been the one to kiss him and Tim pushed her away, but by then, Sam had already reacted and done a bolt from the scene. Later that day, when Sam finally confronted Tim about it, she was so upset and angry that she and Tim had an explosive argument, almost to the point of no return. Sam stormed out to seek solace with Taylor, the two girls heading off for a girls night out together so Sam could let off some steam, and Tim, inevitably went out and got drunk at the nearest dingy bar. Jason himself was oblivious to any of this until he got a call late that night from Tim, who had gotten so pissed and ended up in a large bar brawl, getting carted off in a cop car and thrown in the slammer for the night. He needed Jason to bail him out.
In the meantime, Taylor had left Jason some texts explaining what had happened and that she would be out for the night with Sam, who would likely get drunk but Taylor had offered herself as the designated driver, helpless as to any other way to make her friend feel better. Taylor couldn't seem to glean from Sam if she had split with Tim... but it was a fact Sam didn't even know herself. Lyla Garrity just had a way of causing destruction in their lives, no matter what she did. Jason, faithfully but albeit annoyed, dragged himself out of bed to go and bail Tim out. He knew he was risking Sam's wrath in doing so, but Tim was Tim. There wasn't any other way to explain it. It wasn't a quick process, and it was the early hours of the morning before the bail was even processed, leaving Jason cranky and verbally bitching Tim out at every chance he got. And let's face it, Jason had a way with words when he needed to bitch Tim out, he had enough practice with it. It was Mexico all over again.
What neither guy realised was that simultaneously to their visit to the cop shop, Taylor and Sam were on the other side of Dillon heading towards a club that Sam wanted to go to because of the topless waiters. Passive punishment for Tim, no doubt. Why shouldn't she get to perve if he was fucking Lyla fucking Garrity? They never made it to to the club, though. They had the right of way at a crossroads intersection and while Taylor too the green light, a drunk driver ploughed through the red when he lost control of his truck, slamming into the back of Taylor's small car which impacted into the traffic lights pole. Both girls were knocked unconscious on impact, but subsequently got rushed to hospital.
Jason checked his cell phone as they finally left the police station, discovering no less than nineteen missed calls on his screen. His blood ran cold. He didn't even need to know any details to know that many missed called meant something had happened. Calls from Taylor's parents, Sam's parents, and another string of unknown numbers. It all only came to light when he managed to get a hold of Taylor's father, who told him that Taylor and Sam had been pulled from the car wreck over four hours ago and they had been trying to contact Jason and Tim ever since. Jason did the only thing he could think of then... punched Tim in the face, and knocked him out, the anger at his best friends reckless stupidity for hindering him getting to Taylor just too much for Jason to cope with. He couldn't even drive he was so angry, he could hardly even speak.
It was all a blur then. He could remember calling for the disabled taxi, but that was it. If someone asked him to this day how he got to the hospital in the early hours of that morning, he wouldn't be able to tell them. In fact, most of that week following was a foggy haze in his head all these months later. He could detail the bare minimum if someone asked, but he usually tried to avoid the subject like the Plague. It hurt too much to linger on. Finally making it to Taylor's bedside, seeing her lying there unconscious, Jason was numb. He couldn't even stop to wonder why the hell everything kept going wrong for him, but those questions did eventually come later. Still came, often at night and impeding his sleep.
Sam suffered a broken leg and a concussion, managing to wake up a few hours later, though she was drugged up on painkillers and too groggy to absorb anything that was going on. Tim sat with her for hours, despite his hate for hospitals. He kept sitting with her until he just stopped. Stopped and didn't come back to the hospital without any explanation, just like when he avoided Jason in hospital. Nothing was said to confirm Sam and Tim's break up after that. When Jason, through his own heartache, went to see Sam, she asked where Tim was and Jason just didn't have any answers for her. He wanted to, but he knew how she felt on some level. So, he just sat with her, holding her hand. The silence said more than any words really could. They spent a lot of time together in the following weeks, but neither ever said much about what happened. It was like Sam wanted to forget the whole thing, and Jason just catered to that, maybe unhealthily so. It might have been easier if they talked about it, but the words continued to fail on the subject.
Taylor, on the other hand, bore most of the brunt of the impact. As the driver, it seemed she had just a mere moment of warning that a driver was running a red light to her left and she tried to protect Sam, leaning in to her to stop her getting hurt. It caused her chest and abdomen to hit the steering wheel at a strange angle. She survived, their baby didn't. But if Taylor hadn't been shielding Sam the way she did, Sam would have hit the windscreen head-on and no doubt died. Taylor had no recollection of what she did, though. In fact, when she regained consciousness after three days and was told the baby died in the accident, she was inconsolable bordering on hysterical and they had to sedate her. When she was taken off the medication a few days later, she refused to see Jason, or anyone but her parents. Sam wanted to go see her, but she wouldn't accept that either. For Jason, this was worse than when he was told he was paralysed and would never walk again. It was hard enough for him to already be trying to deal with the loss of their baby, but to lose Taylor too?
And he did. Taylor was discharged home, but didn't go to Jason. She went to her parents, and the next day Mrs MacKenzie came around to see Jason at the house he and Taylor had been sharing with Tim and Sam. She struggled with her own emotions then, telling Jason he was a wonderful boy and she would always love him like a son. But like a knife to his heart, she gave Jason back Taylor's engagement ring and had to give him to give him the devastating news that Taylor couldn't be with him anymore, and that she was going back to New York with her parents within the week to recuperate there with view to returning back to job when she was able. When Jason started to cry, begging Mrs MacKenzie to let him see Taylor, she just hugged him and asked if he could understand and respect Taylor's decision, that she needed time to deal with what happened. Jason had nothing to go on and automatically started to think the worst. Taylor blamed him for everything, and maybe rightly so. And now he had lost her, just like he lost everything in his life that he loved.
Jason closed his eyes and lowered his head as he let a couple of tears escape and drip down his cheek. Taylor did leave and go back to New York that week, and Jason never saw her to say goodbye. All his phone calls and text messages to her went unanswered until he just stopped trying. He inevitably fell into a depression, like Tim, trying to drown the pain in booze. In one angry outburst, Jason had tried to confront Tim all over again about Sam and about that night, about why he wasn't there for Sam the first time she really needed it. Uncharacteristically, Tim tried to fight back tears and then just walked out without saying anything in response to Jason's angry words, getting in his truck and leaving. He didn't come back for a week after that. When he did, Jason did push anymore. They just went back to how it had been before the confrontation; sharing six packs and day old pizza, talking occasionally about football and the changes in Dillon. Mostly they just sat in silence. Tim was never there when Sam came. Jason couldn't tell anymore who was avoiding who.
He reached up and cupped his palm around a ring that was on a chain around his neck, hooking his thumb into the chain and pulling on it it. The chain broke away and he looked down at the ring in his hand. It wasn't his Panthers championship ring. He hadn't worn that since Mac's accident, instead her engagement ring being kept close to his heart as if she might one day come back for it. He had waited long enough. She wasn't coming back. With an angry burst of energy, he tapped into some of that old quarterback strength and threw the ring as far as he could across the field, turning his head away so he didn't see where it fell. He dropped the half empty beer bottle onto the dirt beside him and steered his chair away to leave the stadium. And he would have waited for her forever, if she gave him any reason to believe she would come back.
But she didn't.
It was over.
Again.
comeswithcuffs, texas33forever and supermarketsam all referenced with permission
Word Count | 2,510
[Takes place about four months after THIS | Companion piece to THIS, THIS and THIS]
Contains references / spoilers for
Season 4 of Friday Night Lights
Jason could think of a hundred reasons why his mind could have brought him to the Panthers stadium on that cold November afternoon, but none that he wanted to settle on as an excuse. Coach Taylor wasn't even part of the Dillon Panthers anymore, so it wasn't that. In the division of the town, he had practically been castrated and forced out of the team, now coaching the newly re-established East Dillon Lions. Jason hadn't gotten much involved in the whole politics of the town division. His heart wasn't in Dillon anymore. Most days, he didn't even know why he was still here beyond fearing that any attempt to make more changes would just end in more disaster. Dillon was where all the disaster started, and for some negatively comforting way, at least he knew what shit he was in here. It was a comfort zone for him, albeit now just an increasingly miserable one.
He flipped the collar of his jacket up to shield his neck from the chilled breeze sweeping across the stadium and then took a sip of the beer he'd had sitting in between his paralysed knees. Most days now, he was drunk before sunset. He had fallen into that routine with Tim in the wake of everything that happened four months ago. But even then, most days he didn't even see Tim. After the split with Sam, Tim fell right back into his old ways. Jason had lost track of who all his best friend was sleeping with. Some days, he could have more than one chick on the go and he was usually drunk in the midst of it. Jason could handle the boozing. He did grow up in Dillon afterall. The sex he had no interest in. Actually, that was a lie. He just only had interest in sex with one girl and that was history now. Jason just wasn't sure anymore if he had the energy to try and fall in love again. It wasn't even a case of once bitten, twice shy. Every time he thought he was getting close to being happy, it crashed and burned around him, leaving him drained and exhausted.
And lonely.
He missed Taylor. That's why he was here at the Panthers Stadium and he couldn't deny it. This was the place they ended their first date, and the place he first tried to propose to her. This time, it had nothing to do with his accident. He wanted, and needed, to feel some sort of connection to her in her absence and this was the only place he could think to find it. Everywhere else reminded him of all the rest of the crap Dillon left him in. The place just wasn't the same anymore. It wasn't just town boundaries that had changed, people had changed, attitudes had changed, the passion had changed. All into something Jason just no longer felt part of.
Drawing in a long breath, he let it out in a rush in an effort to not let the emotions engulf him again. He still struggled to believe everything that happened in the lead up to losing Taylor. Just when everything seemed to be perfect, it all ended. Jason and Taylor were engaged to be married, planning the wedding for early next year. Taylor was pregnant, over three months and starting to show. They were starting to make a life together and they were happy. It wasn't a forced happiness, either. It wasn't something Jason felt like he had to jump (proverbial) hurdles to succeed with. It didn't come with any prices he had to pay to achieve it. It was just right.
But then everything started to tip off the tracks when Sam thought she saw Tim kissing Lyla in the supermarket. It was one of those things that, at a glance, could really seem like something it wasn't. Jason hadn't seen it with his own eyes, he had only seen Sam's reaction and really struggled to believe it was that. Tim was a wild one, without a doubt, but if he was content with someone, he could learn to settle and get himself on the right track. He seemed to be doing that with Sam. But after living through Tim's lies and cheating with Lyla, being the victim of all that, even Jason's confidence in his friend wavered over Sam's suspicions. Maybe Tim really would have kissed Lyla? Or maybe it was worse, maybe they were having another affair, this time with Sam as a victim. Leopard, spots, all that.
It probably would have stayed as just a minor hitch in the road, too. It turned out that this time Tim was innocent. Lyla had been the one to kiss him and Tim pushed her away, but by then, Sam had already reacted and done a bolt from the scene. Later that day, when Sam finally confronted Tim about it, she was so upset and angry that she and Tim had an explosive argument, almost to the point of no return. Sam stormed out to seek solace with Taylor, the two girls heading off for a girls night out together so Sam could let off some steam, and Tim, inevitably went out and got drunk at the nearest dingy bar. Jason himself was oblivious to any of this until he got a call late that night from Tim, who had gotten so pissed and ended up in a large bar brawl, getting carted off in a cop car and thrown in the slammer for the night. He needed Jason to bail him out.
In the meantime, Taylor had left Jason some texts explaining what had happened and that she would be out for the night with Sam, who would likely get drunk but Taylor had offered herself as the designated driver, helpless as to any other way to make her friend feel better. Taylor couldn't seem to glean from Sam if she had split with Tim... but it was a fact Sam didn't even know herself. Lyla Garrity just had a way of causing destruction in their lives, no matter what she did. Jason, faithfully but albeit annoyed, dragged himself out of bed to go and bail Tim out. He knew he was risking Sam's wrath in doing so, but Tim was Tim. There wasn't any other way to explain it. It wasn't a quick process, and it was the early hours of the morning before the bail was even processed, leaving Jason cranky and verbally bitching Tim out at every chance he got. And let's face it, Jason had a way with words when he needed to bitch Tim out, he had enough practice with it. It was Mexico all over again.
What neither guy realised was that simultaneously to their visit to the cop shop, Taylor and Sam were on the other side of Dillon heading towards a club that Sam wanted to go to because of the topless waiters. Passive punishment for Tim, no doubt. Why shouldn't she get to perve if he was fucking Lyla fucking Garrity? They never made it to to the club, though. They had the right of way at a crossroads intersection and while Taylor too the green light, a drunk driver ploughed through the red when he lost control of his truck, slamming into the back of Taylor's small car which impacted into the traffic lights pole. Both girls were knocked unconscious on impact, but subsequently got rushed to hospital.
Jason checked his cell phone as they finally left the police station, discovering no less than nineteen missed calls on his screen. His blood ran cold. He didn't even need to know any details to know that many missed called meant something had happened. Calls from Taylor's parents, Sam's parents, and another string of unknown numbers. It all only came to light when he managed to get a hold of Taylor's father, who told him that Taylor and Sam had been pulled from the car wreck over four hours ago and they had been trying to contact Jason and Tim ever since. Jason did the only thing he could think of then... punched Tim in the face, and knocked him out, the anger at his best friends reckless stupidity for hindering him getting to Taylor just too much for Jason to cope with. He couldn't even drive he was so angry, he could hardly even speak.
It was all a blur then. He could remember calling for the disabled taxi, but that was it. If someone asked him to this day how he got to the hospital in the early hours of that morning, he wouldn't be able to tell them. In fact, most of that week following was a foggy haze in his head all these months later. He could detail the bare minimum if someone asked, but he usually tried to avoid the subject like the Plague. It hurt too much to linger on. Finally making it to Taylor's bedside, seeing her lying there unconscious, Jason was numb. He couldn't even stop to wonder why the hell everything kept going wrong for him, but those questions did eventually come later. Still came, often at night and impeding his sleep.
Sam suffered a broken leg and a concussion, managing to wake up a few hours later, though she was drugged up on painkillers and too groggy to absorb anything that was going on. Tim sat with her for hours, despite his hate for hospitals. He kept sitting with her until he just stopped. Stopped and didn't come back to the hospital without any explanation, just like when he avoided Jason in hospital. Nothing was said to confirm Sam and Tim's break up after that. When Jason, through his own heartache, went to see Sam, she asked where Tim was and Jason just didn't have any answers for her. He wanted to, but he knew how she felt on some level. So, he just sat with her, holding her hand. The silence said more than any words really could. They spent a lot of time together in the following weeks, but neither ever said much about what happened. It was like Sam wanted to forget the whole thing, and Jason just catered to that, maybe unhealthily so. It might have been easier if they talked about it, but the words continued to fail on the subject.
Taylor, on the other hand, bore most of the brunt of the impact. As the driver, it seemed she had just a mere moment of warning that a driver was running a red light to her left and she tried to protect Sam, leaning in to her to stop her getting hurt. It caused her chest and abdomen to hit the steering wheel at a strange angle. She survived, their baby didn't. But if Taylor hadn't been shielding Sam the way she did, Sam would have hit the windscreen head-on and no doubt died. Taylor had no recollection of what she did, though. In fact, when she regained consciousness after three days and was told the baby died in the accident, she was inconsolable bordering on hysterical and they had to sedate her. When she was taken off the medication a few days later, she refused to see Jason, or anyone but her parents. Sam wanted to go see her, but she wouldn't accept that either. For Jason, this was worse than when he was told he was paralysed and would never walk again. It was hard enough for him to already be trying to deal with the loss of their baby, but to lose Taylor too?
And he did. Taylor was discharged home, but didn't go to Jason. She went to her parents, and the next day Mrs MacKenzie came around to see Jason at the house he and Taylor had been sharing with Tim and Sam. She struggled with her own emotions then, telling Jason he was a wonderful boy and she would always love him like a son. But like a knife to his heart, she gave Jason back Taylor's engagement ring and had to give him to give him the devastating news that Taylor couldn't be with him anymore, and that she was going back to New York with her parents within the week to recuperate there with view to returning back to job when she was able. When Jason started to cry, begging Mrs MacKenzie to let him see Taylor, she just hugged him and asked if he could understand and respect Taylor's decision, that she needed time to deal with what happened. Jason had nothing to go on and automatically started to think the worst. Taylor blamed him for everything, and maybe rightly so. And now he had lost her, just like he lost everything in his life that he loved.
Jason closed his eyes and lowered his head as he let a couple of tears escape and drip down his cheek. Taylor did leave and go back to New York that week, and Jason never saw her to say goodbye. All his phone calls and text messages to her went unanswered until he just stopped trying. He inevitably fell into a depression, like Tim, trying to drown the pain in booze. In one angry outburst, Jason had tried to confront Tim all over again about Sam and about that night, about why he wasn't there for Sam the first time she really needed it. Uncharacteristically, Tim tried to fight back tears and then just walked out without saying anything in response to Jason's angry words, getting in his truck and leaving. He didn't come back for a week after that. When he did, Jason did push anymore. They just went back to how it had been before the confrontation; sharing six packs and day old pizza, talking occasionally about football and the changes in Dillon. Mostly they just sat in silence. Tim was never there when Sam came. Jason couldn't tell anymore who was avoiding who.
He reached up and cupped his palm around a ring that was on a chain around his neck, hooking his thumb into the chain and pulling on it it. The chain broke away and he looked down at the ring in his hand. It wasn't his Panthers championship ring. He hadn't worn that since Mac's accident, instead her engagement ring being kept close to his heart as if she might one day come back for it. He had waited long enough. She wasn't coming back. With an angry burst of energy, he tapped into some of that old quarterback strength and threw the ring as far as he could across the field, turning his head away so he didn't see where it fell. He dropped the half empty beer bottle onto the dirt beside him and steered his chair away to leave the stadium. And he would have waited for her forever, if she gave him any reason to believe she would come back.
But she didn't.
It was over.
Again.
comeswithcuffs, texas33forever and supermarketsam all referenced with permission
Word Count | 2,510