muse_shuffle | January Disc Two
Track 13. I will dedicate
And sacrifice my everything for just a second's worth
Of how my story's ending
And I wish I could know if the directions that I take
And all the choices that I make won't end up all for nothing
[‘Crawling in the Dark’ - Hoobastank]
Co-written with comeswithcuffs
[Follows THIS and THIS]
Jason didn’t really know what brought him to the empty Panthers stadium that afternoon. School was out for the day and with the football season over, the field was deserted and quiet. Home felt so oppressive and small these days. God bless his parents and all the effort they made to try and help him feel at home again, but it wasn’t working. He was restless in Dillon and no matter what he did, he couldn’t shake that feeling. He slowly pushed himself up to the fifty yard line, the wheels of his chair leaving tracks in the dirt on the sideline. The bleachers loomed up towards the sky across from him and he sighed, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees as he just watched the empty field.
There was no way to know how many times he had run the length of it or how many tackles he had instigated there. His eyes inevitably trailed to that one place that would haunt him forever. The tackle gone wrong. The interception and then ending up in a broken, crushed mess barely feet away from where he sat just now. That is where it all ended… or started, depending how you looked at it. It felt like a lifetime ago. Hell, it felt like it hadn’t even been him who spent the best years of his life training with blood, sweat and tears on this very field to become a professional footballer. And in a way it wasn’t him. He wasn’t the same person anymore that he was back then and never would be that Jason Street again.
He tore his eyes away from that patch of finely cropped grass and looked up, squinting a little in the watery winter sun and realised then that he wasn’t alone. Someone else had the same idea as he did, coming to seek some brooding solace in the epicentre of Dillon… the Panthers stadium. He smiled faintly and pushed the brakes off the chair to wheel himself over to the occupied bench a few yards away. “We’ll have to stop meeting like this,” he said softly and parked his chair close in front of her so he could see her face. “You okay there?”
Taylor had been so caught up in her own thoughts that she hadn’t realised anyone else had arrived in the stadium… let alone Jason. She looked up in surprise, managing to stifle a gasp before it released and she only just stopped herself breaking into a nervous giggle as her conversation with Sam came flooding back to her. She was twenty years old and a police officer, for god’s sake! She couldn’t be dissolving into blushes and giggles like a school girl every time she spoke to him. They both had to share Dillon soil and she didn’t want to feel awkwardness. She could be adult about it; she had just to not think about the asset he was apparently packing in his pants.
She sat up a little straighter from where she had hunched forward in her own brooding and smiled brightly at him. “Way to give a gal a heart attack, QB,” she laughed and then nodded. “Yeah, I’m cool. It’s just transitionin’ back to Dillon from New York is a bit of a shock to the system, ya know? I love my parents, bless them, but I ain’t a kid anymore. They don’t seem to have quite grasped that concept. I needed some air. Ya can’t get any better air than the atmosphere of the Panthers field.” The truth of the matter was she had already been thinking about him before he appeared. Or more accurately, thinking about that game that stole away his mobility. She had been there that night and the silence then hadn’t been very far off the one they were feeling now in an empty stadium. A pin could’ve dropped in the bleachers that night and been heard by all.
“I’m hearing you there,” Jason agreed with a laugh. “They mean well, but… it can get a little overwhelming. Did you want me to leave you alone with your thoughts? You looked a million miles away. It’s all cool if you want to be alone. I just wanted to make sure you were okay.” He started to wheel himself backwards so he wasn’t invading her personal space.
“Stay,” Taylor jumped in before he got too far away. She smiled sheepishly. “I mean, ya don’t have to go or anythin’. I didn’t really come here to be alone. Just to reminisce. It’s Panthers. Inevitably, you’re gonna be a prominent part of the nostalgia, Six,” she added, watching him closely. “Maybe I should be askin’ ya if you’re okay…”
Jason laughed softly, turning back to look at the field over his shoulder. “It’s all relative…” he murmured, mirroring Herc’s words to him all those months ago in rehab, and then turned back to her. His face was a little more serious now and he let out a slow breath. “I was just thinking about how it felt like that was someone else. I don’t even remember a huge amount from that actual night. It’s just all a big blur of noise, pain and my parents’ voices. But I’m okay. I mean, that Jason had a place and he knew his place better than anything. I don’t know where I’m supposed to be anymore… I just don’t think it’s supposed to be here.”
Taylor scooted forward to the edge of the bench and hooked her fingers on the handles of the wheels. She pulled him forward and smiled when he took his own weight with a spin of the wheels under his palms and breached the distance between them so she could take his hand in hers like he had done in the supermarket a few days ago. “Ya know there ain’t any rush to find it, right? It might not be there to find yet. None of us are who we were in school, QB. Not a single one of us. But ya don’t realise just how much of that other Jason ya brought with ya. Ya still sweet and kind, ambitious as all hell. It ain’t a bad thing to be back in Dillon. Just don’t think of it as goin’ backwards. Comin’ home ain’t ever goin’ backwards, darlin’. It’s just a stop on the journey to remember where ya grounded and where ya roots are because they’re always gonna be in Dillon, no matter how big ya wings grow and how far ya wanna fly when ya got them.”
Jason listened to her, leaning close and enjoying the softness of her tone. It was reminiscent of the conversations he had shared with Suzy, the girl who had given him his tattoo and inevitably helped him see how much of a mistake returning to Lyla had been. He was at ease and not defensive; she was listening without being patronizing or sympathetic to his situation. “When did you get so wise?” he asked her, holding her gaze and brushing his thumb against her palm around his hand.
“When I grew up,” Taylor offered with a shrug, taking in just how blue his eyes were. She had never really noticed it before, but then, he had never really been this close to her. Sitting at the table next to her in English class just could never quite be the same thing. “When I became a cop,” she added with a laugh. “Ya see the things I do in my job and ya soon learn that things ya used to put a lot of stock into don’t seem so important anymore.”
Jason’s thoughts sobered a little and his eyes dropped briefly to the sling on her arm. It was a shoulder immobilizer and had her arm braced securely against her chest so she couldn’t move the injured shoulder too much. “Being stabbed on duty… it must’ve come as quite a shock to the system. To deal with something like that so soon after your career is starting must’ve been quite a blow,” he guessed, his forehead creasing as he met her eyes again.
“Yeah, it did,” Taylor confirmed in a small voice. She didn’t want to lie to him. She couldn’t lie to him; not to Jason who had been through far worse than she had. She owed it to him to be honest and not disrespect the ordeal he had faced by evading his queries. That wouldn’t be fair and she found herself not wanting to evade him anyway. She had gotten quite succinct in dodging the queries as to her state of mind following the incident and now sitting with her hand wrapped around Jason Streets paralysed fingers, she was drawn back to a reality she hadn’t really wanted to face. “I-I’m scared to go back…” she admitted in barely more than a whisper, averting her eyes in shame.
Jason dropped his head slightly to the side to try and catch her gaze again. “Hey…” he said softly and squeezed his thumb around her fingers. “Scared is one language I’m pretty fluent in. You have nothing to be ashamed of, Mac. Not a damn thing. I’ve got a secret for you and trust me when I say it’s well-versed and spoken from experience…” He waited until she looked up and offered her a tiny smile. “Shit happens, love. It… just does.”
Taylor closed her eyes briefly in amusement and when she opened them again she was smirking fondly at him. “Is that right, QB?” she asked. “If ever there was some well-versed knowledge I’d like to absorb it’s that of Panthers Six, best Quarterback in the country. Hundreds of recruitment letters under his belt,” she scoffed, taking on a mock commentary voice. “And hottest Quad Rugby player this side of the US.”
Jason laughed and hung his head a little to hold up his other hand. “You’re gonna give me a big head. The weight of the chair might not hold it,” he joked and then looked up again, meeting her eyes. He didn’t say anything more, though. He searched her eyes for a moment, feeling her warm hand still tucked around his. Why hadn’t he noticed how great she was before this? She had always just been his History teacher’s daughter who was always friendly and happy to help him if he got caught up on something he didn’t understand. But there was so much more to her. So much more…
He leaned in and closed the gap between them, his eyes falling closed as he pressed his lips softly against hers. He couldn’t explain why he did it and right now he didn’t want to explain it. She parted her lips and invited his tongue to meet hers when she brushed it gently against his lower lip. He deepened the kiss and put his hand up to cup her chin in his palm. Nope, the explaining and analysis was just going to have to wait until later. Much, much later.
Sam Jameson [supermarketsam] referenced with permission
Word Count | 1,841
And sacrifice my everything for just a second's worth
Of how my story's ending
And I wish I could know if the directions that I take
And all the choices that I make won't end up all for nothing
[‘Crawling in the Dark’ - Hoobastank]
Co-written with comeswithcuffs
[Follows THIS and THIS]
Jason didn’t really know what brought him to the empty Panthers stadium that afternoon. School was out for the day and with the football season over, the field was deserted and quiet. Home felt so oppressive and small these days. God bless his parents and all the effort they made to try and help him feel at home again, but it wasn’t working. He was restless in Dillon and no matter what he did, he couldn’t shake that feeling. He slowly pushed himself up to the fifty yard line, the wheels of his chair leaving tracks in the dirt on the sideline. The bleachers loomed up towards the sky across from him and he sighed, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees as he just watched the empty field.
There was no way to know how many times he had run the length of it or how many tackles he had instigated there. His eyes inevitably trailed to that one place that would haunt him forever. The tackle gone wrong. The interception and then ending up in a broken, crushed mess barely feet away from where he sat just now. That is where it all ended… or started, depending how you looked at it. It felt like a lifetime ago. Hell, it felt like it hadn’t even been him who spent the best years of his life training with blood, sweat and tears on this very field to become a professional footballer. And in a way it wasn’t him. He wasn’t the same person anymore that he was back then and never would be that Jason Street again.
He tore his eyes away from that patch of finely cropped grass and looked up, squinting a little in the watery winter sun and realised then that he wasn’t alone. Someone else had the same idea as he did, coming to seek some brooding solace in the epicentre of Dillon… the Panthers stadium. He smiled faintly and pushed the brakes off the chair to wheel himself over to the occupied bench a few yards away. “We’ll have to stop meeting like this,” he said softly and parked his chair close in front of her so he could see her face. “You okay there?”
Taylor had been so caught up in her own thoughts that she hadn’t realised anyone else had arrived in the stadium… let alone Jason. She looked up in surprise, managing to stifle a gasp before it released and she only just stopped herself breaking into a nervous giggle as her conversation with Sam came flooding back to her. She was twenty years old and a police officer, for god’s sake! She couldn’t be dissolving into blushes and giggles like a school girl every time she spoke to him. They both had to share Dillon soil and she didn’t want to feel awkwardness. She could be adult about it; she had just to not think about the asset he was apparently packing in his pants.
She sat up a little straighter from where she had hunched forward in her own brooding and smiled brightly at him. “Way to give a gal a heart attack, QB,” she laughed and then nodded. “Yeah, I’m cool. It’s just transitionin’ back to Dillon from New York is a bit of a shock to the system, ya know? I love my parents, bless them, but I ain’t a kid anymore. They don’t seem to have quite grasped that concept. I needed some air. Ya can’t get any better air than the atmosphere of the Panthers field.” The truth of the matter was she had already been thinking about him before he appeared. Or more accurately, thinking about that game that stole away his mobility. She had been there that night and the silence then hadn’t been very far off the one they were feeling now in an empty stadium. A pin could’ve dropped in the bleachers that night and been heard by all.
“I’m hearing you there,” Jason agreed with a laugh. “They mean well, but… it can get a little overwhelming. Did you want me to leave you alone with your thoughts? You looked a million miles away. It’s all cool if you want to be alone. I just wanted to make sure you were okay.” He started to wheel himself backwards so he wasn’t invading her personal space.
“Stay,” Taylor jumped in before he got too far away. She smiled sheepishly. “I mean, ya don’t have to go or anythin’. I didn’t really come here to be alone. Just to reminisce. It’s Panthers. Inevitably, you’re gonna be a prominent part of the nostalgia, Six,” she added, watching him closely. “Maybe I should be askin’ ya if you’re okay…”
Jason laughed softly, turning back to look at the field over his shoulder. “It’s all relative…” he murmured, mirroring Herc’s words to him all those months ago in rehab, and then turned back to her. His face was a little more serious now and he let out a slow breath. “I was just thinking about how it felt like that was someone else. I don’t even remember a huge amount from that actual night. It’s just all a big blur of noise, pain and my parents’ voices. But I’m okay. I mean, that Jason had a place and he knew his place better than anything. I don’t know where I’m supposed to be anymore… I just don’t think it’s supposed to be here.”
Taylor scooted forward to the edge of the bench and hooked her fingers on the handles of the wheels. She pulled him forward and smiled when he took his own weight with a spin of the wheels under his palms and breached the distance between them so she could take his hand in hers like he had done in the supermarket a few days ago. “Ya know there ain’t any rush to find it, right? It might not be there to find yet. None of us are who we were in school, QB. Not a single one of us. But ya don’t realise just how much of that other Jason ya brought with ya. Ya still sweet and kind, ambitious as all hell. It ain’t a bad thing to be back in Dillon. Just don’t think of it as goin’ backwards. Comin’ home ain’t ever goin’ backwards, darlin’. It’s just a stop on the journey to remember where ya grounded and where ya roots are because they’re always gonna be in Dillon, no matter how big ya wings grow and how far ya wanna fly when ya got them.”
Jason listened to her, leaning close and enjoying the softness of her tone. It was reminiscent of the conversations he had shared with Suzy, the girl who had given him his tattoo and inevitably helped him see how much of a mistake returning to Lyla had been. He was at ease and not defensive; she was listening without being patronizing or sympathetic to his situation. “When did you get so wise?” he asked her, holding her gaze and brushing his thumb against her palm around his hand.
“When I grew up,” Taylor offered with a shrug, taking in just how blue his eyes were. She had never really noticed it before, but then, he had never really been this close to her. Sitting at the table next to her in English class just could never quite be the same thing. “When I became a cop,” she added with a laugh. “Ya see the things I do in my job and ya soon learn that things ya used to put a lot of stock into don’t seem so important anymore.”
Jason’s thoughts sobered a little and his eyes dropped briefly to the sling on her arm. It was a shoulder immobilizer and had her arm braced securely against her chest so she couldn’t move the injured shoulder too much. “Being stabbed on duty… it must’ve come as quite a shock to the system. To deal with something like that so soon after your career is starting must’ve been quite a blow,” he guessed, his forehead creasing as he met her eyes again.
“Yeah, it did,” Taylor confirmed in a small voice. She didn’t want to lie to him. She couldn’t lie to him; not to Jason who had been through far worse than she had. She owed it to him to be honest and not disrespect the ordeal he had faced by evading his queries. That wouldn’t be fair and she found herself not wanting to evade him anyway. She had gotten quite succinct in dodging the queries as to her state of mind following the incident and now sitting with her hand wrapped around Jason Streets paralysed fingers, she was drawn back to a reality she hadn’t really wanted to face. “I-I’m scared to go back…” she admitted in barely more than a whisper, averting her eyes in shame.
Jason dropped his head slightly to the side to try and catch her gaze again. “Hey…” he said softly and squeezed his thumb around her fingers. “Scared is one language I’m pretty fluent in. You have nothing to be ashamed of, Mac. Not a damn thing. I’ve got a secret for you and trust me when I say it’s well-versed and spoken from experience…” He waited until she looked up and offered her a tiny smile. “Shit happens, love. It… just does.”
Taylor closed her eyes briefly in amusement and when she opened them again she was smirking fondly at him. “Is that right, QB?” she asked. “If ever there was some well-versed knowledge I’d like to absorb it’s that of Panthers Six, best Quarterback in the country. Hundreds of recruitment letters under his belt,” she scoffed, taking on a mock commentary voice. “And hottest Quad Rugby player this side of the US.”
Jason laughed and hung his head a little to hold up his other hand. “You’re gonna give me a big head. The weight of the chair might not hold it,” he joked and then looked up again, meeting her eyes. He didn’t say anything more, though. He searched her eyes for a moment, feeling her warm hand still tucked around his. Why hadn’t he noticed how great she was before this? She had always just been his History teacher’s daughter who was always friendly and happy to help him if he got caught up on something he didn’t understand. But there was so much more to her. So much more…
He leaned in and closed the gap between them, his eyes falling closed as he pressed his lips softly against hers. He couldn’t explain why he did it and right now he didn’t want to explain it. She parted her lips and invited his tongue to meet hers when she brushed it gently against his lower lip. He deepened the kiss and put his hand up to cup her chin in his palm. Nope, the explaining and analysis was just going to have to wait until later. Much, much later.
Sam Jameson [supermarketsam] referenced with permission
Word Count | 1,841