This Will be the Last Time Feeling Like This (4/?)
Title: This Will be the Last Time Feeling Like This
Rating: PG-13 overall.
Pairing: Jalex.
Summary: Alex has been keeping something from Jack, and it's getting more and more brutal every day.
Disclaimer: I do not own these boys what so ever. The only thing that is mine is the plot. Title comes from 'The Last Night' by Skillet.
Author's Notes: This is the longest one so far, and my favorite to write. (:
I BASICALLY TEASED ALL OF YOU.
This IS PG-13 afterall.
I'll proofread it later.
its too late at night.
The two decided now that they would go to McDonald's after long procrastination watching TV. Jack held onto Alex's waist as they walked out of the house, kissing each other's cheeks every now and then, muttering sweet words into one another's ears. The boys made it to McDonald's. Not much happened that was worth remembering. Only hand holding, feeding one another fries, (considering it wasn't breakfast anymore) and talking about how things were now going to be from now on. Jack felt it as if it were heaven. And nothing else in the entire fucking world could be better than this.
Jack was walking home with Alex, holding hands, sort of silent. "Tonight," he began, turning his head to Alex. "Tonight can be our night, okay? We can do it. For the first time. First time sober, at least." Alex's face turned beat red as Jack smiled at him, and all Alex could do was nod.
"I'd like that. I love you, Jack."
The two hadn't gotten to that stage yet. Only twice had they done it before, and the two were completely drunk and didn't remember anything the next morning. Jack wanted everything to be perfect. He told Alex, their first real time, they'd plan everything, make sure nothing was painful like before. They'd been waiting for a perfect time. And Jack knew that now would be perfect. Nothing would stand in their way.
Once they got home, the two boys sat and snuggled on the couch for a while, and Zack and Rian came in, talking about something music related, and Zack stopped in his tracks, just sort of looking at Rian.
"You guys are okay now, then?" Rian asked, his brow raised, confused. Since when was Alex out of his depression?
"Rian, shut the fuck up," Zack hissed, lacing his fingers with his boyfriend's pulling him upstairs to their room. It wasn't their place to ask. Jack and Alex never turned around. They were too lost in one another's eyes, too immobilized and mesmerized by how wonderful their significant other was. Nothing could get in their way at this point.
----
That night, Alex and Jack had dinner together, made by Jack. He always cooked the most wonderful things for Alex when they were having romantic nights. They had some sort of fancy vegetable thing that Jack had learned off of the food channel. When they were done, the two made their way up to their bedroom; Jack was beyond nervous. Almost right when the door was closed, Alex slammed Jack into the wall. Damn. Always such a dominance struggle.
"Alex," Jack mumbled against the other boy's lips. "Alex, I want to be in control." Alex didn't stop; he kissed him deeper, his tongue sliding into the younger boy's mouth, making a small noise escape out of the depths of Jack's throat. Jack rubbed his tongue over Alex's before pushing back, only being met by a force that was stronger. He huffed and pulled away.
"I want to be in control," he repeated. "I don't want you taking over."
Alex sort of pouted before sighing, and kissing him again, this time not as forceful. Jack smirked and kissed him passionately and deeply, Alex just letting the boy's tongue slide over his own. It was no use fighting over something as stupid as that.
Jack led Alex over to the king sized bed in the room, pushing him down on it. He crawled over top the boy, one knee on either side of him, hands on each side of his head. Jack continued the kiss, it now more controlled, grinding his hips against Alex's , making him moan. Jack only smirked and undid the boy's belt, sliding his jeans down as far as he could until the other had to finish it. He did the same, slipping his own shirt off and then Alex's.
"J-Jack, don't fuck around anymore, let's get to it," he whispered, as Jack bit down and sucked on the skin around his neck, leaving hickies in random spots around it. The dark room made it hard to see what he was doing, but Jack ignored his pleas, and slid his hands down the boy's naked sides, and stopped around his hips.
There it was.
Even through his callused fingers, Jack could feel distinct cuts on the older's sides, deep and not scabbed over yet. They were fresh.
"Alex," he said quietly, coming back to his face. "You told me you didn't cut."
"Don't let it ruin the moment, please," he begged, shaking his head. "Jack, just ... let's fight about it later, please, d--"
"You promised me," Jack said quietly, hurt. He sat up and slipped his boxers back on, and his jeans. "You little dumbfuck. You went behind my back. How long has this been going on?"
Alex just sat up, his face full of hurt. "Don't Jack, please, don't..." But Jack did. He completely clothed himself, and Alex looked as if he was ready to cry.
"Get out of my room," Jack snapped, and Alex frowned, getting dressed and shamefully walking out of the room.
----
The next morning, Jack went over to Alex's room to find him. He wanted to apologize so bad, but he knew that he would have to beg. He saw that the boy wasn't in the room, and his heart dropped. He ran downstairs and saw Rian.
"Did you see Alex yet?" he asked, frantic.
"Not yet, bro," he mumbled, eating. Jack's stomach did a flip.
"He ran away," Jack whispered. "He's gone."
And with that, Jack ran up to Alex's room. All of his things were out of the dresser, and off of his desk. But the desk drawer was a little bit open, and he opened it, revealing a piece of line paper, seemingly crinkled and warped.
' Dated: January Ninth, 2011.
My Truly One and Only;
Jack, I'm completely head over heels in love with you. I never wanted anything to come in between us. Not Lisa, not Holly, we got rid of them. We lost them, just for each other. I still remember the day I made you call her. I sat on your lap like a little boy, my hands in your hair, telling you all of the things I'd do when you were done. And you did it. You looked like you were in tears, but Jack, I knew that you cared about me more than Holly. She was just a whore anyway.
Things started to get weird. You went to your classes, which left me alone until about ten o'clock at night, and I didn't have someone to fall asleep with. And when you came home, every damn time you smelled like cologne. And you never wear cologne for me. I wanted to know so bad who it was, who was keeping you from me? Every night I waited, and I thought you would spend the night somewhere. You did once. I didn't feel you come into bed until three in the morning. Who did you sleep with, Jack? Why didn't you come home, at ten fifteen, just like every other damn night of your life?
I was beating myself up over it, you don't even know. I don't even know where to start. I started to hate myself. I told myself I wasn't perfect enough. I had to be better. I had to. But there was no way to change myself. So I cut myself. I had to relieve pressure, and it was the single most amazing feeling I'd ever had. Jack Bassam Barakat, you made me feel like shit and then in return, I made myself feel that way. That is the only way that I could let myself let go of all of the shit that was destroying my world.
It's worse. It's worse than it should be. And I just can't live like this anymore. But don't think that you're the only thing on my mind.
There's something worse that I can't tell you. I don't know if I ever will.
I feel like I'm not good enough.You're perfect. And you have to cheat on me to get that perfection.
This is my final goodbye. I hope that you'll realize you did this to me.
It's all your fault.
But I fucking love you, Jack.
Alexander William Gaskarth.'
The note only fell from Jack's hands before he started to shake, and made himself crawl into bed, alone, cold, confused, and completely upset. It was a suicide note.
But it was dated about three weeks back.
Which just left Jack more confused.
Did he only run, or was he out to kill himself?
Jack's mind was cloudy.
He'd figure it out after he woke up.
Rating: PG-13 overall.
Pairing: Jalex.
Summary: Alex has been keeping something from Jack, and it's getting more and more brutal every day.
Disclaimer: I do not own these boys what so ever. The only thing that is mine is the plot. Title comes from 'The Last Night' by Skillet.
Author's Notes: This is the longest one so far, and my favorite to write. (:
I BASICALLY TEASED ALL OF YOU.
This IS PG-13 afterall.
I'll proofread it later.
its too late at night.
The two decided now that they would go to McDonald's after long procrastination watching TV. Jack held onto Alex's waist as they walked out of the house, kissing each other's cheeks every now and then, muttering sweet words into one another's ears. The boys made it to McDonald's. Not much happened that was worth remembering. Only hand holding, feeding one another fries, (considering it wasn't breakfast anymore) and talking about how things were now going to be from now on. Jack felt it as if it were heaven. And nothing else in the entire fucking world could be better than this.
Jack was walking home with Alex, holding hands, sort of silent. "Tonight," he began, turning his head to Alex. "Tonight can be our night, okay? We can do it. For the first time. First time sober, at least." Alex's face turned beat red as Jack smiled at him, and all Alex could do was nod.
"I'd like that. I love you, Jack."
The two hadn't gotten to that stage yet. Only twice had they done it before, and the two were completely drunk and didn't remember anything the next morning. Jack wanted everything to be perfect. He told Alex, their first real time, they'd plan everything, make sure nothing was painful like before. They'd been waiting for a perfect time. And Jack knew that now would be perfect. Nothing would stand in their way.
Once they got home, the two boys sat and snuggled on the couch for a while, and Zack and Rian came in, talking about something music related, and Zack stopped in his tracks, just sort of looking at Rian.
"You guys are okay now, then?" Rian asked, his brow raised, confused. Since when was Alex out of his depression?
"Rian, shut the fuck up," Zack hissed, lacing his fingers with his boyfriend's pulling him upstairs to their room. It wasn't their place to ask. Jack and Alex never turned around. They were too lost in one another's eyes, too immobilized and mesmerized by how wonderful their significant other was. Nothing could get in their way at this point.
----
That night, Alex and Jack had dinner together, made by Jack. He always cooked the most wonderful things for Alex when they were having romantic nights. They had some sort of fancy vegetable thing that Jack had learned off of the food channel. When they were done, the two made their way up to their bedroom; Jack was beyond nervous. Almost right when the door was closed, Alex slammed Jack into the wall. Damn. Always such a dominance struggle.
"Alex," Jack mumbled against the other boy's lips. "Alex, I want to be in control." Alex didn't stop; he kissed him deeper, his tongue sliding into the younger boy's mouth, making a small noise escape out of the depths of Jack's throat. Jack rubbed his tongue over Alex's before pushing back, only being met by a force that was stronger. He huffed and pulled away.
"I want to be in control," he repeated. "I don't want you taking over."
Alex sort of pouted before sighing, and kissing him again, this time not as forceful. Jack smirked and kissed him passionately and deeply, Alex just letting the boy's tongue slide over his own. It was no use fighting over something as stupid as that.
Jack led Alex over to the king sized bed in the room, pushing him down on it. He crawled over top the boy, one knee on either side of him, hands on each side of his head. Jack continued the kiss, it now more controlled, grinding his hips against Alex's , making him moan. Jack only smirked and undid the boy's belt, sliding his jeans down as far as he could until the other had to finish it. He did the same, slipping his own shirt off and then Alex's.
"J-Jack, don't fuck around anymore, let's get to it," he whispered, as Jack bit down and sucked on the skin around his neck, leaving hickies in random spots around it. The dark room made it hard to see what he was doing, but Jack ignored his pleas, and slid his hands down the boy's naked sides, and stopped around his hips.
There it was.
Even through his callused fingers, Jack could feel distinct cuts on the older's sides, deep and not scabbed over yet. They were fresh.
"Alex," he said quietly, coming back to his face. "You told me you didn't cut."
"Don't let it ruin the moment, please," he begged, shaking his head. "Jack, just ... let's fight about it later, please, d--"
"You promised me," Jack said quietly, hurt. He sat up and slipped his boxers back on, and his jeans. "You little dumbfuck. You went behind my back. How long has this been going on?"
Alex just sat up, his face full of hurt. "Don't Jack, please, don't..." But Jack did. He completely clothed himself, and Alex looked as if he was ready to cry.
"Get out of my room," Jack snapped, and Alex frowned, getting dressed and shamefully walking out of the room.
----
The next morning, Jack went over to Alex's room to find him. He wanted to apologize so bad, but he knew that he would have to beg. He saw that the boy wasn't in the room, and his heart dropped. He ran downstairs and saw Rian.
"Did you see Alex yet?" he asked, frantic.
"Not yet, bro," he mumbled, eating. Jack's stomach did a flip.
"He ran away," Jack whispered. "He's gone."
And with that, Jack ran up to Alex's room. All of his things were out of the dresser, and off of his desk. But the desk drawer was a little bit open, and he opened it, revealing a piece of line paper, seemingly crinkled and warped.
' Dated: January Ninth, 2011.
My Truly One and Only;
Jack, I'm completely head over heels in love with you. I never wanted anything to come in between us. Not Lisa, not Holly, we got rid of them. We lost them, just for each other. I still remember the day I made you call her. I sat on your lap like a little boy, my hands in your hair, telling you all of the things I'd do when you were done. And you did it. You looked like you were in tears, but Jack, I knew that you cared about me more than Holly. She was just a whore anyway.
Things started to get weird. You went to your classes, which left me alone until about ten o'clock at night, and I didn't have someone to fall asleep with. And when you came home, every damn time you smelled like cologne. And you never wear cologne for me. I wanted to know so bad who it was, who was keeping you from me? Every night I waited, and I thought you would spend the night somewhere. You did once. I didn't feel you come into bed until three in the morning. Who did you sleep with, Jack? Why didn't you come home, at ten fifteen, just like every other damn night of your life?
I was beating myself up over it, you don't even know. I don't even know where to start. I started to hate myself. I told myself I wasn't perfect enough. I had to be better. I had to. But there was no way to change myself. So I cut myself. I had to relieve pressure, and it was the single most amazing feeling I'd ever had. Jack Bassam Barakat, you made me feel like shit and then in return, I made myself feel that way. That is the only way that I could let myself let go of all of the shit that was destroying my world.
It's worse. It's worse than it should be. And I just can't live like this anymore. But don't think that you're the only thing on my mind.
There's something worse that I can't tell you. I don't know if I ever will.
I feel like I'm not good enough.You're perfect. And you have to cheat on me to get that perfection.
This is my final goodbye. I hope that you'll realize you did this to me.
It's all your fault.
But I fucking love you, Jack.
Alexander William Gaskarth.'
The note only fell from Jack's hands before he started to shake, and made himself crawl into bed, alone, cold, confused, and completely upset. It was a suicide note.
But it was dated about three weeks back.
Which just left Jack more confused.
Did he only run, or was he out to kill himself?
Jack's mind was cloudy.
He'd figure it out after he woke up.