Fic: Next to NetGo 14/19
Title: Next to NetGo 14/19
Series: Hikaru no Go
Disclaimer: Characters are the creation of Hotta and Obata
Pairing: Akira/Hikaru
Type: AU. What if Hikaru had continued playing NetGo, and never became an insei (or a pro)?
Summary: Hikaru is dragged to the world of professional Go, but you can't make him drink.
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For someone of Hikaru's skill at Go, it seemed unthinkable that he did not own a Go board. Not a proper one, at any rate; he had a magnetic version, and a portable set, one of those bought for the Haze Go Club a long time ago. Akira had seen Sai's Go board--or rather, Shuusaku's Go board--which was still kept in the home of Hikaru's grandfather, but no one, looking at Hikaru's room at the first glance, would be able to tell that its owner played such a traditional game regularly.
Akira looked around at the stacks of manga weighing down the bookshelves, the school textbooks on the study desk, to the sleek-looking laptop computer on the bedside table. He looked at Hikaru last.
Shindou-san had asked him to go up to Hikaru's room immediately, making no comment about the early hour, and Akira thought he understood her strange-looking expression now. Hikaru sitting in bed, hugging his knees to his chest, and seemed to be staring into space. It looked like he had been like that the whole night. Akira instantly regretted his decision not to come over immediately last night. If only he hadn't been so overwhelmed by the events of the previous day... "Hikaru?" he said.
No reply.
Akira remained still, not wanting to startle Hikaru. "Hikaru, it's me," he said.
It was a long time before he heard "Akira?" in a barely-there voice.
"Yes, it's me," Akira said, and dared to go and sit on the bed.
Hikaru suddenly grabbed him from behind. "I let Sai down!" he said against Akira's back.
"What do you mean?" Akira asked. He tried to turn around to look at Hikaru's face, but the arms around him only tightened, preventing him from doing so.
"Didn't you see that game?" Hikaru said. "Maybe you didn't see it. I played NetGo yesterday, and I-"
"I saw it," Akira said. He felt Hikaru shudder. "It was an... interesting game," he said. 'Interesting' covered a multitude of dimensions, from 'well-played' to 'disastrous'. He realized that he couldn't yet decide which shade of meaning he had in mind.
"Yeah?" Hikaru said with a sigh that felt warm and heavy. "I lost, you know."
Akira reached around, and found Hikaru's arm, giving it a squeeze.
"I don't know what happened. I thought I could do it," Hikaru whispered.
That sounded strange. "Do what, Hikaru?"
"Play more--be better at it-" Hikaru said. "Give Sai a better legacy than I have, but-"
"But-" Akira managed to stem the flow of questions that were at the tip of his tongue. "Hikaru, what exactly did you intend to do?" he asked at last.
Hikaru swallowed; Akira could feel the gulp against his back. "I thought," Hikaru said, "that since people think that Sai is a pro, and I was going to be a pro, I thought-" he paused, as though he was having difficulty in continuing. "I thought-" he tried, and stopped.
Akira thought about it, and ventured, "You thought you could improve on Sai?"
After a long time, Akira became aware of Hikaru growling in his throat. "Damn it, Touya!" Hikaru burst out. "You-you are such a jerk!"
Relieved that Hikaru sounded angry rather than miserable, Akira merely went on, "Just because so many people think that Sai is a pro, it doesn't mean that he is."
"Yeah," Hikaru said. "I figured that out halfway through the night." He sighed heavily, and his arms loosened from around Akira.
Akira disentangled himself and turned around to face Hikaru. "I should have come over last night," he said. Hikaru shook his head. "No," he said. "I'd have just thrown you out for being so arrogant." He looked out of the window, more as a way to avoid looking at Akira than anything else, Akira felt. "I can't help feeling that I let down Sai. Or maybe killed him."
"Have you been thinking about this all night?" Akira asked. He should have come over earlier--not to comfort his boyfriend, but to kick some sense into him. You could never let Sai down," he said, so frustrated that he didn't realize what he was saying, at first. "And you can't kill him."
Hikaru gave a shiver at that.
Sai is already dead.
The unsaid words seemed to echo louder than any shout.
Sai is already dead, you idiot!, Akira berated himself, watching the way Hikaru's face went pale. He swallowed at the memory his words had recalled, knowing better than to apologize. Hikaru might really throw him out.
"I know," Hikaru said. He rubbed his eyes and took a deep breath to compose himself.
Akira placed a hand on his shoulder, and waited.
It was only a few seconds before Hikaru shook his head, dislodging Akira's arm in the process. "It's all right," he said, before he leant forward towards his laptop, and tapped a key on it. The screen came alive, showing the kifu of the game with 'HAL2001'.
Akira realized that the laptop had been placed at an angle where the screen could be easily seen from Hikaru's previous position on the bed. He sat closer to Hikaru, and let his eyes take in the shapes of black and white on the screen.
"Why does it bother me so much?" Hikaru asked, almost talking to himself, but he glanced at Akira.
"Because you lost?"
Hikaru looked down. "It shouldn't matter," he whispered, his voice rising and becoming stronger as he spoke. "It's like what I told you yesterday. Sai's heart and soul is in his Go, and his Go is inside me. I feel like shit for spoiling his record, but- that's-" he shook his head again, unwilling to go into that topic. "But he's not here. Therefore it shouldn't matter. It was just a... a stupid computer game."
Akira knew it was not a stupid computer game, and that it did matter to Hikaru. He remembered what Hikaru had said earlier. "You said, you were trying to 'play more'."
"Yeah," Hikaru said. "I wanted Sai to play better than ever. Better than he ever had. You did put your finger on it, you know." The look he gave Akira was tinged with reluctant admiration. "I was trying to improve on Sai."
"But you can't let Sai 'play more' without playing your own Go," Akira pointed out, inwardly deciding that listening to Hikaru talking about himself in the third person (in a manner of speaking) was particularly confusing today.
"Of course I can, I've been doing... huh?" Hikaru's mouth opened in an 'o'. "I don't get it."
Hikaru's surprise in turn surprised Akira, because it seemed logical to him. Didn't Hikaru see it? In the next moment, the answer came to him. Of course he doesn't. Sai is a separate person to him, remember? "Since Sai left, you've been playing as him," he said, pausing for a moment to put his thoughts into order.
Hikaru was starting to frown.
"From the time Sai left, you've been trying hard to separate yourself from Sai, so you could play as him."
Hikaru's frown intensified.
"Last night was the first time I saw Sai playing as you."
Hikaru's mouth worked, soundlessly, before he said, "That's impossible."
"Not in the least," Akira said, his mind working rapidly as he recalled the game. The entire night, he had puzzled over it despite his best attempts to calm himself, and had slept only in fits and starts. Who else did he know that played with such advanced... no, distant planning, that they seemed to be miscalculations? Even Sai did not usually go that far. Most of the time, Hikaru only played as Sai, with Sai's elaborate, brilliant skill at setting up his opponents, with Go that was as elegant as it was devastating. Hikaru the amateur, on the other hand, usually played Go with the high school Go club, or in amateur tournaments. He played, as far as most of his opponents could tell, very good, but unremarkable Go.
It was rare that Hikaru felt comfortable enough to go all out, as himself, but when he did, Akira was usually there.
Hikaru was still shaking his head and mumbling "no-no-no" to himself.
"I am the one who knows your Go the best, so I know," Akira said. "Your Go and Sai's are very different," he went on. "You don't show it very much, but when you play with me, you have your own style. Last night, I saw both in your game with 'HAL2001'. You haven't realized it, but you've started to play as yourself more since you told me about Sai."
This assertion brought Hikaru up short. "R-really?"
Akira noted with pleasure that he was looking less strained, already, and was glad that he could at least--truthfully--give Hikaru this. "You didn't lose because Sai's Go is inferior," he assured Hikaru.
Hikaru rolled his eyes. "I know that! As though Sai would ever-" he stopped. "Then why?"
"You lost because you're trying to play as two people, Hikaru."
A scowl spread over Hikaru's face at that. Akira was reminded that despite his attempts to deny it, Hikaru had his pride about his own Go, too, however much he tried to hide it. "But that's-" Hikaru stopped, turning red.
"Yes, that's really as crazy as it sounds," Akira felt comfortable enough to tease him now.
With a yell of outrage, Hikaru promptly launched himself at Akira and tried to wrestle him to the floor.
-----
Hikaru was trying to balance the laptop on his and Akira's knee as they sat side-by-side on the bed. They were playing NetGo game again--or at least, they were at the Hikaru's usual NetGo website, where he had logged on, and Akira wrapped an arm around Hikaru's waist as his boyfriend made pitiful sounds at lengthy on-line speculation about Sai's defeat, the identity of 'HAL2001' and whether this was 'losing Sai' was another impostor.
"They aren't even looking at the Go!" Hikaru grumbled, but inched closer to Akira.
It was certainly rather embarrassing when Shindou-san came in.
If only because Hikaru gave a start that made the laptop fall off their knees, and stuttered, "W-we weren't d-doing anything!"
Shindou-san, to her credit, kept her composure, and glared at her son. "Didn't I say to come down for breakfast?"
"But I don't feel hungry... Oh." Hikaru seemed to shrink as her glare intensified.
"It's nearly eleven," Shindou-san said. "I've made lunch early today. Both of you should come downstairs and eat something."
"Uh..." Hikaru righted his laptop and gestured at it. "But we-"
"You can play Go later," Shindou-san said firmly.
Five minutes later, Akira was sitting down at the table to watch Shindou-san ladle soup from a large steaming pot at the stove. He had eaten dinner with Hikaru's family before, but always on semi-formal occasions; never as casual as this, a normal mid-day meal with just Shindou-san.
Shindou-san turned around and set down bowls of soup. "Akira-kun is a very good boy-" she began.
Akira felt his cheeks turning warm, and resisted the urge to fidget. Those words were almost always the preliminary to a talk about his relationship with Hikaru. "Yes, Shindou-san?" he asked, doing his best to sound harmless.
"I-" Shindou-san shook her head. "It's nothing."
Akira allowed himself to breathe. He was a Go pro, and had been treated as an adult for years. But in certain matters, as with Hikaru's parents, he sometimes felt as though he was still a child.
Shindou-san went to the rice cooker, and began to fill bowls with rice. She placed them on the table, and suddenly said, "I know we--Hikaru's father and I--found it difficult to accept Hikaru's relationship with Akira-kun."
"Um. I'm sorry-" Akira did not know why he was apologizing.
"No," Shindou-san said, shaking her head. "That's our problem, not yours. We're still getting used to the idea, but-" she smiled at him. "I was glad to see you this morning." As though suddenly embarrassed, she turned around to the stove again.
Anything else Akira wanted to say disappeared when Hikaru stumbled into the kitchen, in a yellow No. 5 shirt and worn-looking jeans. "I forgot!" Hikaru said, his arms waving as they did when he was panicked. "The school!"
"I already called the school to say you were sick," Shindou-san said.
Hikaru stopped, the wind taken from his sails. "Oh. Thanks," he said, then: "I'm hungry." His voice contained a definite whine, Akira noted.
"Then sit down, and eat your lunch." Shindou-san nodded to a seat next to Akira.
As Hikaru sat down beside him, Akira belatedly realized that she had only set the table for two. "Shindou-san, what about you?" he asked.
"I'm eating later," she said. "It's too early for me. But Hikaru didn't have any breakfast, and Akira-kun must have eaten very early, am I right?" she smiled.
Akira didn't dare to admit that he had skipped breakfast in his hurry to get to Hikaru's place, and only mumbled a reply.
Luckily, Shindou-san didn't notice, because she glanced at the kitchen clock and exclaimed that she was late for her English conversation class.
After she had gone out, Hikaru began wolfing down his lunch, as though he had been starving for days, staring at Akira the entire time.
"What, do I have something on my face?" Akira asked.
"Nope," Hikaru said, slurping his miso soup. "You really do see my Go," he said after he had put the bowl down.
"Of course."
"Even though you also know Sai's Go."
"Yes."
"Okay," Hikaru put down his chopsticks, and stared at the dish of pickles. "But do you really think I could be a pro?" he said. "I mean, the pro exam must be really, really difficult."
Akira tried not to shout at his boyfriend in his time of uncertainty. "Yes," he managed to say. "I'm sure you'll make it."
"Really? Only three pass each year, you know." Hikaru looked glum. "And the registration fee is so high, it'd just be a waste..."
Akira took a deep breath. "Shindou Hikaru, if you're such an idiot as to think-" he stopped.
Hikaru was laughing at him. "Gotcha!" he said.
"What?"
The doorbell rang.
"I'll get it," Hikaru said, standing up. He leaned down, and pecked Akira on the cheek on the way towards the door. "I do have some idea of my strength, you know." He walked out of the kitchen, towards the front door.
Akira picked up the stray grain of rice that had fallen from the corner of Hikaru's lips to his lap, shaking his head. He heard the doorbell again--the person outside seemed very impatient. He stood up, wondering whether to go out there as well.
"W-Waya-san!" he heard Hikaru exclaim.
-------------to be continued---------
Chapter 13 | Chapter 15