Private to John Mcclane for H&M

[island_juliet]

When Juliet shows up at John and Erica's, Jonah is asleep over her shoulder and she's carrying his portable crib with two bags over her shoulder. She's mostly in a daze, just needing to get somewhere she knows the baby will be looked after if she has a melt down. But she also knows she can't let it get to the point it was last year

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[yippiekiyaymf]

John answers the door, and practically pulls her inside. He wraps her, both of them, up in a big hug.

"I'm so sorry." He squeezes gently, then steps back, and takes the bags from her shoulder.

"Have a seat.Erica will be home soon."

[yippiekiyaymf]

"Yeah, of course you don't. And I think this'll be..." He looks over at Erica, and bites off the 'good for Erica', clears his throat, and merely finishes "...this'll be good."

[island_juliet]

Juliet strokes Jonah's head gently.

"God, I'm not ready for when he starts crying for James. My poor baby," she says quietly, shaking her head.

Erica looks at John, feeling more than a little helpless.

[yippiekiyaymf]

"Babies adapt pretty quickly, Juliet. He's more likely to be crying, because you're crying. And that doesn't mean you shouldn't cry. Just that you can hand him off to one of us and know that he'll be okay."

[island_juliet]

Erica rubs her back again. "It'll be okay. And you can be sad."

Juliet nods and gets up to put Jonah down in his portable crib, then sinks back on the couch and closes her eyes.

"I hate to crash and ask for something, but I could use a drink."

[yippiekiyaymf]

John gets up.

"How strong?"

[island_juliet]

"Strong. Extremely strong."

She's not breast feeding anymore, at least. She's glad for that right now. She stares at Jonah though.

"What if he never knows James?"

Erica shakes her head. "You can't...you're going to drive yourself crazy, Juliet."

[yippiekiyaymf]

"He'll know plenty of other people." John brings her a rum and hot chocolate.

[island_juliet]

"I know. I know it," she says as she takes the mug. "And what I really want to say is...now I'm alone again. But, you know. Beating a dead horse. I keep getting him and then losing him again."

She swallows a lump in her throat and and wipes away tears.

[yippiekiyaymf]

'Yeah. People weren't meant to have to reset the grief button. We aren't built that way."

[island_juliet]

"I'm having a really hard time right now," Erica admits. And even though John has just known because he's John, she's never said it out loud.

"When Ty left again...it was like someone hit me right in the heart, and right now, Thanksgiving and Christmas..."

Juliet hadn't even thought of Christmas, and she starts crying, making Erica wince, pulling her into a hug. "I'm sorry." She looks at John over Juliet's shoulder with a look of regret for even opening her mouth.

[yippiekiyaymf]

John pats her back -- it's not like it's going to go by without her noticing.

He goes to get the kleenex. He's realizing Juliet's going to be here a while, and wondering how they can re-arrange things to keep disruption to a minimum.

[island_juliet]

"Second year in a row, I have presents for James at home and...I don't want to make it awkward, but last time I had John and now I'm just..."

She huffs out a breath and doesn't even bother to wipe at her eyes. "I don't want to go to bed alone for the rest of my life, which seems like such a stupid, childish thing to say."

She's just talking, dumping all of her feelings.

[yippiekiyaymf]

"Three am sucks." John's been there.

[island_juliet]

And Erica doesn't really want to sleep without her husband. She can do without for a while, and she will. But they both sleep like crap without the other.

She doesn't any of this though, just rubs Juliet's back as she drinks the hot chocolate as fast as she can without burning herself.

"I should just get resigned to being a single mother now. Because what's the point. Even if he comes back, I don't think I can do this again."

[yippiekiyaymf]

John has his own opinion, but there's no need to voice it.

"It's like having the same limb chopped off twice."