confessions of a snarky beta (#4)
A lot of fairly sophisticated writers who are relentless self-editors don't see the need for a beta editor. Their stories are usually free of the grammatical and spelling errors that mark the work of poorer writers; they certainly don't need someone for the technical fixes. But really, this type of editing is the least interesting (and least useful) thing I do as a beta.
Perhaps it's only after a writer reaches a certain level that the rest comes into play; it's hard to focus on whether a character is behaving consistently when you're distracted by misspellings. But it's far more rewarding to take something that's almost perfect and smooth out the rough edges, than it is to grind through the long process of fixing numerous obvious flaws.
A fresh pair of eyes sees things that the author misses. Jaded by long exposure to her own story and knowing all the backstory details that perhaps never get explicitly included in the story, her own eyes slide over things that jar to the beta reader. This is why multiple betas are so valuable -- each one adds a different viewpoint, a different insight.
Rather than give examples of how I have beta'ed others' stories (which might embarrass the authors!), I thought it might be enlightening to show a few ways in which my most recent SSFF story, In Want of a Wife, benefited from my three most excellent betas, telensar, fabularasa, and amanuensis1. This will be more interesting if you've read (and if you liked :-) the story. In fact, it may not be interesting at all; the process of writing might be like politics and sausage, best not peered into too closely, so be warned. However, I'm carefully writing around any potential spoilers (note the SS/?? in the pairing), just in case anyone wishes to read this first, and the story later.
These are not all the comments the betas made, just the more interesting (to me) ones that resulted in significant changes. They also show how each one noticed different things about the story. I'm not going to bore you with the praise and compliments they all carefully interlarded in their criticism, but those back-pats were important too, because they showed me what I did right.
In my original first draft, I had the following exchange:
"A pleasure to meet you," murmured the girl, her grey eyes fixed on his, her lips curved upward very slightly, the merest hint of a smile.
"Severus Snape," he said, taking the proffered hand. He'd have to buy a ring, wouldn't he. "And you are?"
telensar pointed out: It's a subtle class thing, but what you say on
meeting people for the first time is a huge class marker, and may
differ on both sides of the Atlantic, and even in different parts of
the continents. I have read that saying anything but "how do you do?"
is an indicator of lower class, and that "pleased to meet you" is,
while very polite in some circles, regarded as hopelessly non-U by
the truly posh.
So the passage became:
"How do you do," murmured the girl, her grey eyes fixed on his, her lips curved upward very slightly, the merest hint of a smile.
"How do you do," he said, taking the proffered hand. He'd have to buy a ring, wouldn't he. "Severus Snape. And you are?"
I also changed the meeting between Lady Alighieri and Elizabeth to reflect this class-language thing.
telensar was also my French advisor, for the bits in French. And when I wrote the following:
He spoke the triggering words and felt the familiar wrench,
and they were standing in the foyer of Auberge du Chaudron d'Or, a fine
hotel in the Parisian equivalent of Diagon Alley.
she said: Should be "the Auberge" or "l'Auberge". And Paris rather than Parisian,
although that's not something I can defend. Paris equivalent; Parisian
manners. Paris metro. Paris suburb, a Parisian accent. You know?
I bowed to her superior knowledge of all things French, and changed them.
fabularasa is an excellent writer, and like me she is attuned to cadence, the sounds of the words as well as the structure of the sentences. I wrote:
Sinshoe Alley was not far from Diagon Alley, and he took care of his more quotidian shopping needs before slipping into the shadows of the somewhat seamier side of town.
Well, I got what I deserved when she said: *wiping spit off sleeve* perhaps a trifle too alliterative, sssweetie?
You bet. The offending phrase became, "slipping into the shadows of the less respectable side of town," which satisfied my alliterative ear but didn't hit it with a hammer.
I wanted to establish the tone of Felicia's establishment right away. My original draft read:
At Number 23, Sinshoe Alley, the card was taken and scrutinized at length by an impassive doorman before Snape was admitted into a small but elegant drawing room. The carpet was so lush that his feet made no sound, the chair he was directed to was made from finely carved ebony and seemed to conform to his body as he sat, and when he sampled the tiny cakes that appeared on the low table by his side he found that they were exquisitely flavored.
fabularasa said: [This sentence] could be stronger, less passive, more direct: His feet sank without sound into the lush carpet, the chair of finely carved ebony conformed to his body as he sat, and the tiny cakes that magically appeared on the low table beside him evaporated on the tongue in a burst of exquisite flavor. Even if you decide to keep it as is, the double prepositional phrase offputs a bit - changing it to “on the low table beside him” cuts through that somewhat. She also pointed out that if I used "ushered" rather than "admitted" I would not have to have him "directed" to a chair.
I didn't take her suggestion quite verbatim, here, because I wanted to emphasize his surroundings rather than his actions, but I used a lot of it. These two sentences became:
At Number 23, Sinshoe Alley, the card was taken and scrutinized at length by an impassive doorman before Snape was ushered into a small but elegant drawing room. The carpet was so lush that his feet made no sound; the chair of finely carved ebony conformed to his body as he sat, and the tiny cakes that magically appeared on the low table beside him evaporated on his tongue in a burst of exquisite flavor.
(I should also point out that telensar wondered whether Snape would actually eat something from an unknown source. I decided to leave it in, for the atmosphere, and let the reader rationalize, as I did, that perhaps he tested it with some spell before eating.)
In my first draft, I had:
In bed. Severus had never been in bed with a woman; it wasn't something he had ever felt the need to try, as he had known from his adolescence that he was attracted only to his own sex. He even felt obscurely grateful that she had disappeared behind the bathroom door before he had finished removing his clothes. Pulling on his nightshirt, he slipped under the covers.
amanuensis1 wrote:I felt like I wanted a little something more here. I felt like there should have been a moment of "one of us could sleep on the chaise" in here. Not necessarily spoken, but possibly wrested with, mentally, by Severus. They have no one to keep up the front for right now. Why do they have to share a
bed? You don't need to make up a contrived well-we-don't-want-the-hotel-maids-talking excuse, that would be too much, but maybe S. considers offering to sleep on the divan, and then wonders, why am I the one to put himself out here, and then imagines himself having to ask E. to sleep on the divan and feeling churlish, so...
And I thought she was right, so this paragraph became:
In bed. Severus had never been in bed with a woman; it wasn't something he had ever felt the need to try, as he had known from his adolescence that he was attracted only to his own sex. He even felt obscurely grateful that she had disappeared behind the bathroom door before he had finished removing his clothes. Perhaps he should offer to sleep on the chaise longue? Although, since he was paying for this ridiculously expensive room, she should be the one -- no, he couldn't ask her that. It was a large bed, after all. Pulling on his nightshirt, he slipped under the covers.
I think the new paragraph sets things up better for what happens next, as well as providing more insight into Severus's character.
The final bit I want to bring up is somewhat, although not completely, spoilery. So if you're the type of person who hates to know anything about the ending before you read a story -- as in various twists and turns of the plot, or, oh, whether it's a happy ending or not -- and you haven't read this story yet, stop reading this lj entry now. Although I'm still going to avoid giving away the pairing. Ahem.
About the ending.
I wasn't too confident of the ending, particularly the letter, which originally began:
Please forgive my lack of correspondence over the past months, as well as my abrupt departure at our last meeting. My life has been in a bit of an upheaval recently, as you might have guessed, but I am finally settled in a cottage not far from Toulouse.
amanuensis1 agreed:[X] disappeared, not merely in the middle of the night, but two seconds after the sex, taking his possessions, white-gold ring, and Severus's purse. Like a common, no-good little trollop. Of course, we KNOW the situation is different... But do you think... there might be a moment where we see into Severus's head that HE gets that? That he holds no grudge? Because, really, I think [the] letter presumes a lot....What if the letter was not quite so breezy but had a bit more to that opening apology? "I wished to thank you for the small loan you made to me on our last meeting-- happily, I have funds enough to pay you back now. Though I could simply send them, I am wondering if you would have any interest in
seeing me in person..." At your discretion, but, that's what I would say would give me a better sense of acceptance here.
telensar also noted this, saying: I like the ending. But maybe you could have something about Snape
taking back his stolen Galleons in trade, something just a little
more edgy and Snape-y?
So the beginning of the letter changed to:
Please forgive my lack of correspondence over the past months, as well as my abrupt departure at our last meeting. I would like to thank you for the small loan you made to me; happily, I am now in a position where I can return your generosity. I can forward the funds by owl if you like, but I would very much like to repay you in person.
There were lots of other small things, of course. fabularasa thought my original choice of "Jean-François" was a weird name for a French owl, and telensar obligingly provided "Chouette." telensar wondered if Snape would really tell a madam about his personal life -- I didn't change that bit, because I think it was information that the reader needed to know, and that by showing their comfort with each other through other ways (her calling him "Sev," for example) I had established their relationship). fabularasa squicked at "gel" for lube, so I sidestepped that issue by rephrasing the sentence in question. A few minor errors (e.g. Apparition for Apparation) were gently caught.
So although I did not act on all the comments my betas made, those I did act upon (most of them) made it a better story. It's still recognizably my story -- but with the rough edges filed off. In particular, since I had a gut feeling the ending wasn't satisfying, but didn't know why, it was incredibly helpful to have my betas articulate what they felt was wrong with the ending -- which in turn helped me to see why I wasn't happy with it, and to fix it.
Anyway, I hope that illuminates my small corner of the beta process.
Perhaps it's only after a writer reaches a certain level that the rest comes into play; it's hard to focus on whether a character is behaving consistently when you're distracted by misspellings. But it's far more rewarding to take something that's almost perfect and smooth out the rough edges, than it is to grind through the long process of fixing numerous obvious flaws.
A fresh pair of eyes sees things that the author misses. Jaded by long exposure to her own story and knowing all the backstory details that perhaps never get explicitly included in the story, her own eyes slide over things that jar to the beta reader. This is why multiple betas are so valuable -- each one adds a different viewpoint, a different insight.
Rather than give examples of how I have beta'ed others' stories (which might embarrass the authors!), I thought it might be enlightening to show a few ways in which my most recent SSFF story, In Want of a Wife, benefited from my three most excellent betas, telensar, fabularasa, and amanuensis1. This will be more interesting if you've read (and if you liked :-) the story. In fact, it may not be interesting at all; the process of writing might be like politics and sausage, best not peered into too closely, so be warned. However, I'm carefully writing around any potential spoilers (note the SS/?? in the pairing), just in case anyone wishes to read this first, and the story later.
These are not all the comments the betas made, just the more interesting (to me) ones that resulted in significant changes. They also show how each one noticed different things about the story. I'm not going to bore you with the praise and compliments they all carefully interlarded in their criticism, but those back-pats were important too, because they showed me what I did right.
In my original first draft, I had the following exchange:
"A pleasure to meet you," murmured the girl, her grey eyes fixed on his, her lips curved upward very slightly, the merest hint of a smile.
"Severus Snape," he said, taking the proffered hand. He'd have to buy a ring, wouldn't he. "And you are?"
telensar pointed out: It's a subtle class thing, but what you say on
meeting people for the first time is a huge class marker, and may
differ on both sides of the Atlantic, and even in different parts of
the continents. I have read that saying anything but "how do you do?"
is an indicator of lower class, and that "pleased to meet you" is,
while very polite in some circles, regarded as hopelessly non-U by
the truly posh.
So the passage became:
"How do you do," murmured the girl, her grey eyes fixed on his, her lips curved upward very slightly, the merest hint of a smile.
"How do you do," he said, taking the proffered hand. He'd have to buy a ring, wouldn't he. "Severus Snape. And you are?"
I also changed the meeting between Lady Alighieri and Elizabeth to reflect this class-language thing.
telensar was also my French advisor, for the bits in French. And when I wrote the following:
He spoke the triggering words and felt the familiar wrench,
and they were standing in the foyer of Auberge du Chaudron d'Or, a fine
hotel in the Parisian equivalent of Diagon Alley.
she said: Should be "the Auberge" or "l'Auberge". And Paris rather than Parisian,
although that's not something I can defend. Paris equivalent; Parisian
manners. Paris metro. Paris suburb, a Parisian accent. You know?
I bowed to her superior knowledge of all things French, and changed them.
fabularasa is an excellent writer, and like me she is attuned to cadence, the sounds of the words as well as the structure of the sentences. I wrote:
Sinshoe Alley was not far from Diagon Alley, and he took care of his more quotidian shopping needs before slipping into the shadows of the somewhat seamier side of town.
Well, I got what I deserved when she said: *wiping spit off sleeve* perhaps a trifle too alliterative, sssweetie?
You bet. The offending phrase became, "slipping into the shadows of the less respectable side of town," which satisfied my alliterative ear but didn't hit it with a hammer.
I wanted to establish the tone of Felicia's establishment right away. My original draft read:
At Number 23, Sinshoe Alley, the card was taken and scrutinized at length by an impassive doorman before Snape was admitted into a small but elegant drawing room. The carpet was so lush that his feet made no sound, the chair he was directed to was made from finely carved ebony and seemed to conform to his body as he sat, and when he sampled the tiny cakes that appeared on the low table by his side he found that they were exquisitely flavored.
fabularasa said: [This sentence] could be stronger, less passive, more direct: His feet sank without sound into the lush carpet, the chair of finely carved ebony conformed to his body as he sat, and the tiny cakes that magically appeared on the low table beside him evaporated on the tongue in a burst of exquisite flavor. Even if you decide to keep it as is, the double prepositional phrase offputs a bit - changing it to “on the low table beside him” cuts through that somewhat. She also pointed out that if I used "ushered" rather than "admitted" I would not have to have him "directed" to a chair.
I didn't take her suggestion quite verbatim, here, because I wanted to emphasize his surroundings rather than his actions, but I used a lot of it. These two sentences became:
At Number 23, Sinshoe Alley, the card was taken and scrutinized at length by an impassive doorman before Snape was ushered into a small but elegant drawing room. The carpet was so lush that his feet made no sound; the chair of finely carved ebony conformed to his body as he sat, and the tiny cakes that magically appeared on the low table beside him evaporated on his tongue in a burst of exquisite flavor.
(I should also point out that telensar wondered whether Snape would actually eat something from an unknown source. I decided to leave it in, for the atmosphere, and let the reader rationalize, as I did, that perhaps he tested it with some spell before eating.)
In my first draft, I had:
In bed. Severus had never been in bed with a woman; it wasn't something he had ever felt the need to try, as he had known from his adolescence that he was attracted only to his own sex. He even felt obscurely grateful that she had disappeared behind the bathroom door before he had finished removing his clothes. Pulling on his nightshirt, he slipped under the covers.
amanuensis1 wrote:I felt like I wanted a little something more here. I felt like there should have been a moment of "one of us could sleep on the chaise" in here. Not necessarily spoken, but possibly wrested with, mentally, by Severus. They have no one to keep up the front for right now. Why do they have to share a
bed? You don't need to make up a contrived well-we-don't-want-the-hotel-maids-talking excuse, that would be too much, but maybe S. considers offering to sleep on the divan, and then wonders, why am I the one to put himself out here, and then imagines himself having to ask E. to sleep on the divan and feeling churlish, so...
And I thought she was right, so this paragraph became:
In bed. Severus had never been in bed with a woman; it wasn't something he had ever felt the need to try, as he had known from his adolescence that he was attracted only to his own sex. He even felt obscurely grateful that she had disappeared behind the bathroom door before he had finished removing his clothes. Perhaps he should offer to sleep on the chaise longue? Although, since he was paying for this ridiculously expensive room, she should be the one -- no, he couldn't ask her that. It was a large bed, after all. Pulling on his nightshirt, he slipped under the covers.
I think the new paragraph sets things up better for what happens next, as well as providing more insight into Severus's character.
The final bit I want to bring up is somewhat, although not completely, spoilery. So if you're the type of person who hates to know anything about the ending before you read a story -- as in various twists and turns of the plot, or, oh, whether it's a happy ending or not -- and you haven't read this story yet, stop reading this lj entry now. Although I'm still going to avoid giving away the pairing. Ahem.
About the ending.
I wasn't too confident of the ending, particularly the letter, which originally began:
Please forgive my lack of correspondence over the past months, as well as my abrupt departure at our last meeting. My life has been in a bit of an upheaval recently, as you might have guessed, but I am finally settled in a cottage not far from Toulouse.
amanuensis1 agreed:[X] disappeared, not merely in the middle of the night, but two seconds after the sex, taking his possessions, white-gold ring, and Severus's purse. Like a common, no-good little trollop. Of course, we KNOW the situation is different... But do you think... there might be a moment where we see into Severus's head that HE gets that? That he holds no grudge? Because, really, I think [the] letter presumes a lot....What if the letter was not quite so breezy but had a bit more to that opening apology? "I wished to thank you for the small loan you made to me on our last meeting-- happily, I have funds enough to pay you back now. Though I could simply send them, I am wondering if you would have any interest in
seeing me in person..." At your discretion, but, that's what I would say would give me a better sense of acceptance here.
telensar also noted this, saying: I like the ending. But maybe you could have something about Snape
taking back his stolen Galleons in trade, something just a little
more edgy and Snape-y?
So the beginning of the letter changed to:
Please forgive my lack of correspondence over the past months, as well as my abrupt departure at our last meeting. I would like to thank you for the small loan you made to me; happily, I am now in a position where I can return your generosity. I can forward the funds by owl if you like, but I would very much like to repay you in person.
There were lots of other small things, of course. fabularasa thought my original choice of "Jean-François" was a weird name for a French owl, and telensar obligingly provided "Chouette." telensar wondered if Snape would really tell a madam about his personal life -- I didn't change that bit, because I think it was information that the reader needed to know, and that by showing their comfort with each other through other ways (her calling him "Sev," for example) I had established their relationship). fabularasa squicked at "gel" for lube, so I sidestepped that issue by rephrasing the sentence in question. A few minor errors (e.g. Apparition for Apparation) were gently caught.
So although I did not act on all the comments my betas made, those I did act upon (most of them) made it a better story. It's still recognizably my story -- but with the rough edges filed off. In particular, since I had a gut feeling the ending wasn't satisfying, but didn't know why, it was incredibly helpful to have my betas articulate what they felt was wrong with the ending -- which in turn helped me to see why I wasn't happy with it, and to fix it.
Anyway, I hope that illuminates my small corner of the beta process.