Leaving, twice

[ishonn]

First was the poem, in April. Nearly two months later I looked at it and thought I could try to write the same thing in prose. Now I think the fic is much better than the poem, perhaps because paradoxically it's more poetic.

EDIT: December 15th, 2006
My precious magda2em drew a picture to illustrate the fic. You can find it here:

Comments

[paulamcg]

You should post this lovely piece, too, on an RL/SB community!

(I’m sure you know that I’ll enjoy rereading your letter and taking my time to compose a reply - as well as replies to your heart-warming furher comments on my stories. I also don’t want you to feel you’ll have to reply very soon again, as you’ll have so much to do. Instead, I’ve started my way through your journal, posting my humble comments.)

I think I can agree with you: the piece of prose here is more poetic than the poem. The verses have perhaps not been polished as carefully as some others (like the perfect ones you published yesterday and today). However, it must be partly that I’m more used to reading prose than poetry (in English) and I enjoy this kind of poetic narrative without any flowery language or blatant stylistic tricks.

This piece is somehow simple in its circular structure, isn’t it? My favourite line must be the one just before the (more predictable) closing: He should clean it [the window]. Perhaps paradoxically, this works as the climax for me,

[ishonn]

Thank you very much for another important comment

[paulamcg]

Thank you so much for looking for the reasons for the third person. I can understand how it helps in achieving the detachment (even though I think I’ve shown my first-person Remus and Sirius, too, as somewhat detached from their emotions).

Yes, I knew I was getting sidetracked when mentioning the issue of he versus you in Dress, as that’s not the same thing as the choice of person to use for the viewpoint character. I just got carried away, thinking about my own tendency to choose something that scares readers off. In three stories I’ve been arrogant enough to let my first-person viewpoint characters think about other characters in the second person.

I’m glad you got rid of the other men! And no, please don’t consider whether you could talk about the werewolf in order to avoid the repetition of Remus in stories using his or Sirius’s perspective. I explain my view in detail hereI agree that Bottlebrush’s interpretation is interesting. It looks like the result of attempts at seeing a greater role for this piece in the whole of the HP

[ishonn]

I'm sure it is possible to keep characters detached from their emotions in their narration. However, in this piece I wanted to filter information. If I used first person voice, I would be forced to let Remus spill it all in order to remain real. During this little scene there were hundreds of racing thoughts going through Remus's head. I didn't want to TELL, I wanted to make the reader FEEL. I hope I succeeded.

Oh no, I wasn't going to consider referring to Remus as the werewolf! Not in my life! I always felt a little... it might be silly, but disloyal and unsensitive to Remus whenever this idea crossed my mind. I rather meant trying to rephrase some paragraphs in order to avoid repeating names. With Sirius and Remus the problem seems to be the amount of 's', at least to me. But I'd sooner leave the text as it is than think up artificial and irritating epithets or periphrases. I agree with your remarks on The Snitch and think you succeeded in forming a precise rule: I can refer to my characters in a way they can refer to themselves

[h_maldeire]

*Horrors* Oh no! In a sense, Remus is actually right. There is no such thing as assurance that Sirius won't just leave his things behind and start with a clean slate.

The poor thing is dying from anxiety. I can feel his helplessness and loss. : (

[ishonn]

Oh, I'm so happy that you decided to follow the link! Thank you for reading and letting me know what you think.

So you, too, believe that Sirius is leaving? I agree with everything you say: that Sirius could just open the door one day, go out and never come back, that Remus feels helpless and hurt. But I'm not so sure whether Sirius really is leaving at all. The story is told entirely from Remus's point of view, whatever Sirius does is signed with Remus's interpretation. And what if Remus is just being oversensitive, what if he's seeing things that are not there? This is actually what made me connect this fic with your interpretation of "Borders": that Remus fears the worst and drowns in his anxiety, while there might be nothing to fear.

I'd love to know whether this reading makes any sense somehow appeals to you. In any case many thanks for your wonderful feedback!

[kethlenda]

You have been invited to hp_spotlighting--invite is here.

[ishonn]

I feel truly honoured, thank you very much for the invitation!