Collide

[irishais]

Title: Collide
Genre: Mainstream Fiction (original)
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: None
Summary: New York never stopped. Eventually, they were bound to crash into one another.
Notes: Done for my Fiction Workshop class. Feedback is greatly appreciated. I think there's another part coming after this; I want there to be, anyway.

Comments

[chibitifa]

OMG, you MUST continue this! I love it! Your imagery is flawless, as usual, and your character development never ceases to amaze me. I need to read moar! :DDD

[ssugrimgirl]

I like it lots.. which i know is a very unuseful critique

something more detailed than my usual review fare

[venefica_aura]

Alright, so I missed normaleveryday type of fiction.

I could see myself very easily running into any of your characters, and the POV switch in the middle wasn't too abrupt.

I'm not sure if you meant it, but this sticks out to me:

Lina fell silent, and leaned against the wall of the store they had stopped in front of. She turned her attention back to the busy street, absorbing the motions of people and cars, the cacaphony of voices, horns, car engines washing over her in a sort of dull roar. It was almost meditative, in a way, even the sudden screech of tires and the blaring of a horn. All the impulsivity of New York in the squealing of brakes. Sydnie's hand on her elbow jerked her out of her trance

Re: something more detailed than my usual review fare

[irishais]

Oh, man, thanks. (I apparently also managed to misspell "sidewalk"; go me!). I didn't even catch that repetition. Changed, and, uh, fixed.

Re: something more detailed than my usual review fare

[venefica_aura]

S'alright. I usually assume it's intentional unless told otherwise, to be honest. I mean, I like to break English grammar all the time. XD

~Cendri

Re: something more detailed than my usual review fare

[irishais]

I try to keep it only to really surreal stories, but sometimes the mental thesaurus just does not function! :D

omg Jana don't hate me.

[lassarina]

I can totally picture myself running into any of these people, like Cendri said, but my primary problem is that Marian is thus far completely unsympathetic to me. She's like the stereotypical bitch wife who's just cold and self-centered. I would kind of like to see something that makes her a little more unique, something that reminds us of why John married her. This might come out more in subsequent things, but it's what I see now.

Random editing thing - you seem to switch at random from non-smartquotes to smartquotes. (Smartquotes are a pet peeve of mine; feel free to ignore my bitching, but there should be just one style, not two).

I want to know more about these characters and whether they ever meet again - and also, I love Lina's thoughts about how discarding overpriced tea doesn't help kids in Africa because that's totally how I think too.

[irishais]

(I totally don't hate you, this is exactly what I was looking for! :D)

I completely get what you're saying about Marian. She's actually slated to come back later, so we'll see how that goes.

And what are "smart quotes"? I am unclear on this thing!

[lassarina]

Smart Quotes are the ones in word that tilt one way or another depending on which side of the remark Word thinks they are.

[irishais]

Ah! Okay. Yeah, that's probably literally it getting copied from Wordpad to WordPerfect to emailed to myself to emailed back to myself to opened up in Wordpad again.

[overwhelming]

Wow...I love this fic so far. It's awesome. I don't think Marian is all that bitchy, though ... I think we just haven't delved enough into her character yet. After all, it was all from John's perspective. I love Sydnie and Lina, they're awesome. The characters were very believable, and the storyline so far was, too. Well done! XD

[irishais]

Yeah, Marian's coming back, so we'll see how she ultimately plays out. Thanks for reading! :D