Fic: Between the Lines
Title: Between the Lines
Pairing: Masuda x Tegoshi
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Romance
Summary: Sometimes the most important conversations happen between the lines. It was almost like a relationship for Massu and Tegoshi, only it ends before it even begins.
Notes: Song fic, based from Sara Bareilles' song of the same title. I don't know if it's fluffy, but it certainly is sappy, so be warned. Parts in [brackets] are the lyrics. If anybody's interested in hearing the song, you can listen to it HERE
Disclaimer: Not mine, not for profit, stories are fictional but the characters are not.
[Time to tell me the truth
To burden your mouth for what you say
No pieces of paper in the way
’Cause I can’t continue pretending to choose
The opposite sides on which we fall
The loving you laters if at all
No right minds could wrong be this many times]
You're with Tegoshi right now, going over plans for your upcoming activities as Tegomass. In between the 30 minute break that your manager has given you, you find yourself alone in a conference room with only the younger boy for company. The mood is calm, comfortable. You're used to being quiet with each other, and that's not necessarily a bad thing.
You chance a glance at Tegoshi and see him going over your schedule, eyes darting back and forth a crumpled sheet of paper. You, on the other hand, content yourself with lounging on the couch, earphone attached to one ear, while the other waits for Tegoshi to break the silence.
"Massu, I keep forgetting to tell you, but my mom wanted to invite you over for dinner at my apartment next week. To celebrate, you know, us having an album and concert and everything."
"Next week? Sure, yeah."
"Bring your parents and sister too, if they can come. Mom wants to see them again."
"I'll tell them, then."
Tegoshi nods, and a minute of silence pass between the two of you. You lean back on the couch, still half-heartedly listening to your music player. You're waiting for Tegoshi to bring it up again, to say those words he's mentioned quite a few times for the last several months. Questions he asks you at least every year, for the last three years.
You look at him, and his eyes are fixed to one spot on the paper in front of him. He refuses to look at you, and from that you know exactly what he's going say when the younger boy opens his mouth to speak.
"Remember our last conversation, Massu?"
That's all Tegoshi says, but you know exactly what he's talking about, which particular conversation he's referring to. You're expecting it, but you are nevertheless unprepared to answer it when it comes. You turn the volume on your player down; half of your mind is mulling over the question Tegoshi's just asked, but the other half is still listening to the music playing. It's a song about unrequited love, you realize, and eventually you turn it off partly because honestly, you're confusing Tegoshi's question with the music's lyrics.
"What about it?" You ask.
When Tegoshi speaks, his voice is quiet, almost like a whisper. You hear him clearly anyway. "I ask you about it every year, and every year you give me the same response. I'm trying it again, now."
"Um." You pause, at a loss for words. "Um, are you sure this is not just some flight of fancy of yours?" Why do you keep playing around with me?
"You keep asking me that every year as well, and I always give the same reply. It's not, Massu." I'm not playing around
"Are you going to change your mind?" Then what are you trying to do?
"You know the answer to that." You know the answer to that
"It's not exactly a conventional idea-" It's not something people can just accept
"It can't be totally wrong if we both feel the same." Who cares what other people think
"How do you know if I feel the same?" Friendship first, more than anything else
"I don't. But this is why I'd like for us to at least try." It doesn't mean we have to give anything up
You don't know how to respond to this, but there's a knock on the door and your manager steps inside, and you're saved from having to answer. At least, for now. Your manager heads straight for Tegoshi, and they discuss album covers and promotions. You take this chance put your other earphone on, pretend to listen to music even though it's still turned off, and close your eyes.
You know exactly what Tegoshi is talking about, but the actual words, the actual subject is not brought up, not here, not at work where the walls have ears and nothing is private. You wonder how it became such a serious topic, when it all started out as a joke, meant to tease the two of you all those years ago.
[My memory is cruel
I’m queen of attention to details
Defending intentions if he fails]
"The two of you look so adorable together"
You smiled back, grateful for the compliment, although you've heard this a million times before. You wished they'd tell you something different, but it's no use, because the two of you really were more 'cute' than good looking or sexy. At least, at that moment. You've got your baby face and Tegoshi looks more like an adorable street urchin rather than a soon-to-be idol.
"Aww, look at the two of you hug! Are you going on a date after this?" The film crew teases. They weren't being mean, but all the same the two of you had broken your hug and stuttered in your responses.
"E-eh?" You had said awkwardly. Tegoshi just smiled wide, a bit embarrassed, but kept his hold of the hem of your shirt with one hand.
--------
"Masuda-san, Tegoshi-san, your voices go well together. Practice singing duets, ok?"
--------
"Ah. You guys are so different but you don't fight! You'd be a perfect couple!"
--------
"I'm sorry if I'm being too clingy, Massu, ne." Tegoshi had told you, during one of your karaoke sessions. Koyama had decided to invite himself along, and was belting out a NEWS song by himself as you and Tegoshi shared a bag of chips.
"What's up with that serious tone?" You laughed. "I don't mind. As long as it makes you feel comfortable with the group, ne"
"This is why I like you, you know,"
"Actually, I don't know." You teased.
"You should! Maybe we SHOULD be a couple, ne Massu?"
"No thanks. We get enough teasing as it is. Speaking of which, lately you're looking more like a girl, Tegoshi."
"I can't help it if I have very good skin-"
"-and really humble, I must say-" You butted in.
Tegoshi just ignored your jibe. "Ma, even the fans like to pair us up together. Don't you think there's some truth in that?"
"Oi, Tegoshi, don't confuse fanservice with... with..." But you couldn't finish your sentence because at that moment Tegoshi chose to attack you with a hug.
"You're a couple~" Koyama had teased the two of you back then.
"We are NOT," You said, but you did not protest when Tegoshi sidled up beside you after that.
--------
After that same karaoke session, as you and Tegoshi were heading home, he had asked you a question.
"Ne, Massu, you like me, don't you?"
"Of course."
"Wanna go out?"
"Where?"
"I mean, do you want to try it?" He had asked, a little too casually.
"Don't be a prankster."
"I'm serious. What's wrong with trying it out?"
"In case you didn't notice, we're both boys"
"What does it matter as long as we genuinely like each other?"
You had laughed then, pretending to go along with Tegoshi. "I like you, but I don't really think Tego + Massu would work well together like that," You had pointed out, and a month after that you realized the irony of your remark, when you were told you were to be debuting as Tegomass. And in Sweden, no less.
--------
Several days after your trip to Sweden, Tegoshi had asked, "Ne, remember what I told you before, Massu?"
"Which one?"
"What I told you after karaoke. That one." Tegoshi had emphasized.
"Ok. And?"
"I've decided to keep asking until you give an answer. It's either yes or no. No maybes or I'm-not-sures."
You sighed, that time, because really, it was getting just a little bit weird. "It's a good thing we're good friends, you know, because sometimes your jokes are weirder than mine."
"Think what you want, but I'm serious, Massu."
[Until now, he told me her name
It sounded familiar in a way
I could have sworn I’d heard him say it
ten thousand times
If only I had been listening]
The sound of a cellphone ringing brings you back to the present. Your manager and Tegoshi both have their backs turned to you, and you see Tegoshi reach for his phone, eyes scanning the screen before answering. He talks low and trots to one end of the room for privacy, which you find a bit out of character. Usually Tegoshi doesn't care who hears his phone conversations, talking in a loud, unaffected voice until someone berates him for being too noisy. Your interest gets piqued, and you try to strain your ears to hear bits and pieces of his phone call.
"...tonight's good, I guess. Sure." Tegoshi shifts from one foot to another. "I'll talk to you later, ok? Bye."
He walks back to your manager, who grins at him. "Date tonight? Someone we know?" Your manager asks teasingly.
"Eh? No, no, you got it wrong. It's just a friend." Tegoshi laughingly replies.
"You sure? I did read something from some tabloid saying they saw you on a date with a noncelebrity girl," Your manager muses.
"It's tabloid. Half of their so-called news are nothing but lies." Tegoshi says, eyes straying for a second to your prone form. You immediately close your eyes, not wanting to be caught listening in.
The doors open again to signal the return of the staff, one of them tapping you on the arm lightly to wake you up. You open your eyes, make a show of turning your music player off and stowing it away, and as Tegoshi and the others get ready for another brainstorming session you wonder which half of the news Tegoshi's gossip falls under.
[Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me
Always between the lines]
You don't know how you got into this situation, but after your Tegomass dinner celebration you end up spending the night at Tegoshi's apartment, slightly, just slightly, wasted.
Your parents have gone home early, with Tegoshi's mother and grandmother following soon after, leaving the two of you to clean up the resulting mess. Both of you clear away plates and food and gifts as best as you can, then retreat to the living room for a post-dinner celebration just for the two of you. You and Tegoshi change into sleep clothes, him in silk pajama bottoms and a small, worn t-shirt while you opt for sweatpants and an oversized shirt. Tegoshi switches the television on but keeps it on mute, then turns the radio on and fiddles with the remote to find a suitable station.
"I like that song," You tell him, when he stops at an R&B station.
Tegoshi shakes his head and chooses a station playing soft, mellow music. "This is better, ne. So we can sleep right away."
The lights are off, the television providing enough brightness to blanket the two of you. You talk randomly, jumping from one topic to another, chips and crackers and soda and beer scattered on the living room floor, the two of you right smack in the middle of it, backs leaning against the sofa. An hour and a half later, you're still jumping from one topic to another, only, the conversations aren't really making sense because both of you are just giggling and pointing randomly at the tv screen. Occasionally Tegoshi would sing along to the songs playing on the radio.
"My tummy hurts, I think I ate too much" You tell him, lisping a tiny bit. You tend to do that when you've consumed alcohol.
Tegoshi catches the lisp and turns to you in amusement, "You always eat too much. You just had a lot of beer tonight, that's all."
"I don't like beer." You say, staring at your beer can with a frown.
"Why do you drink it, then?"
"I like trying it out once in a while," And you prove your point by emptying the can in your hands.
"Trying things out is good for you. Then you'll know if you can have the-- the tolerance for it," Tegoshi murmurs. In your hazy mind, you think Tegoshi might not be talking about the beer, but you don't comment on it.
A lull settles over the two of you after that, and you lean your head back, enjoying the quiet sounds from the radio. You start to drift off to sleep when you feel a shadow ghost over your face, and you open them to find Tegoshi leaning down in front of you, on his knees. The lights from the tv obscure his face but you can feel him staring straight into your eyes.
You grab Tegoshi's wrist and halt his progress. "What are you doing?" you ask, panic evident in your voice. "Let's... let's just try it once, ok?" Tegoshi says as he leans over, angling his face towards you. You hesitate. "Massu. Don't think. Please. Just feel" Tegoshi pleads. Your first instinct is to laugh hysterically. What Tegoshi just said reminded you of when you were guests at a tv show and the sleazy way that the younger boy had said Don't think. Feeel~, but there's nothing sleazy about Tegoshi's words now, no.
You're cheek to cheek now, and you can feel Tegoshi exhale shakily, his breath warm on the side of your neck. You swallow. You don't want this, it's not appropriate. You're about to break away but you feel Tegoshi's pulse, faint but erratically beating against your fingers and you realize that Tegoshi's nervous. In that instant, you don't know why but you make up your mind; you take a deep breath and tighten your grip, turning your face to meet his mouth. You hold your breath and don't move, mouths closed, your slightly chapped lips just resting against Tegoshi's slightly dry ones.
For several moments everything is still, both of you unsure of what to do next, just mouth on mouth, waiting for the other to make the next move. Inevitably it is Tegoshi who cannot stand the limbo any longer and he opens his mouth, just barely, making your mouth open as well, and Tegoshi breathes out and into your mouth. You shiver, tear yourself a little bit away from him and lean your foreheads together, your breaths mingling in the enclosed space you've created, warming your cheeks. You can almost taste the smell of alcohol reeking from both your mouths and it makes you feel lightheaded.
Tegoshi's eyes are closed, and you take this moment to stare at him. You realize you're gripping both his wrists now, and Tegoshi's only holding himself up by leaning his forehead against yours, his palms warm over the tops of your sweatpant-clad thigh. You don't know what to do next, so you release his wrists and Tegoshi opens his eyes to look cautiously at you. He leans back on his legs and watches as you open and close your mouth.
"I don't think... this isn't--" I'm terrified of even thinking about it
"I know, but. But I-" I can't stop thinking about it
"This isn't right." But somehow it doesn't feel wrong
"So what do we do?" Maybe we can try it out
"Just... it'll pass, I guess." But,-
Silhouetted in black and gray, for a long time, you stare at each other as the tv screen casts shadows over your flustered faces.
A love song ends on the radio.
[I thought I was ready to bleed
That we’d move from the shadows on the wall
And stand in the center of it all]
The next day, things get a little awkward between the two of you. You try to pretend nothing happened and Tegoshi attempts to talk about it.
"I'm sorry if you got taken aback last night," He tells you while you clean up the living room. You make a noncommittal noise, busying yourself by picking up empty wrappers and cans on the floor.
"I just wanted to try it out once. I meant no harm, Massu."
You nod at him once, then avert your eyes quickly.
"You-- you'll think about it, right?"
You clear your throat and desperately look for something to do.
"Massu?"
"Um, Tegoshi--" You start to say, but Tegoshi interrupts you.
"--it doesn't have to be serious. We're young, we're allowed to experiment. I still like girls, but I feel connected to you in a different way," Tegoshi says hastily, his words flowing out in a rush.
"I still like girls," You repeat after him.
"I know you do. It doesn't have to be serious," He repeats again, "Nobody needs to know. And it's-- it's not like we're going to be together. Just... something a little more intimate than close friends."
An image of the two of you last night, faces pressed close together, floats into your mind and you remember how it felt. It was out of your comfort zone, and you're sure that it's unacceptable, but just thinking about it makes you feel faint. High.
"When you-- every time you ask me about this," You helplessly flap your hands between the two of you, "You really want to go through with it?"
Tegoshi looks at you, and he's probably surprised that you're actually willing to discuss it for once, after all this time. "Yes," he tells you firmly.
It takes you several minutes before you reply "Ok," and even then you're still not sure what you're agreeing to. "I'll, well I'll think about it." You tell him.
Tegoshi gives you a small smile. "That's all I'm asking."
[Too late two choices to stay or to leave
Mine was so easy to uncover
He’d already left with the other]
What happened between the two of you remain private and no one brings it up. You see each other almost every other day for Tegomass meetings and those days reveal nothing out of the ordinary. It's still comfortable, being with each other at work, where there are things to do to distract you and a lot of people to buffer any tension. Besides, it's work, and you take great pains in trying to separate personal and professional issues.
In the public eye you're still Tegomass, Tegoshi and Masuda, singing partners and friends and idols. In private you're Masuda and Tegoshi, who's shared one sloppy almost-kiss. An almost-kiss too laden with meaning that's left you both unsettled. Tegoshi is anxious but expectant; you, on the other hand, are stuck with two answers. Yes or no. Right or wrong. You think about it too much that's it's stopped making much sense, if it made any at all before.
----------
"This is too hard," You tell him, during one of your frequent phone conversations. Supposedly Tegoshi called you up to talk about schedules, but after hemming and hawing for a few minutes he finally sighed and drove straight to the point.
"You remember our last conversation, Massu?" He asks again. Again, you know exactly which conversation he's talking about.
"This is too hard," You repeat, and from the other line you hear nothing but background noise for a moment. You hear him clear his throat, sounding like he wants to say something. In your head you picture Tegoshi's face: he's worrying his lip, his eyes unfocused. You wonder if he understood what you were trying to say. Tegoshi will probably interpret it the wrong way but you don't correct him; you don't know how to, anyway. The line is silent for a long time, and you open your mouth to say something when Tegoshi speaks up.
"Tell me when you make up your mind, ok? I don't want to rope you into something you don't want."
--------
You're off work today, and you spend it at home, just lolling around your bed and thinking about... stuff. Your head is filled with thoughts about work, Tegomass, schedules, NEWS, Tegoshi. You fret about work, plan about Tegomass, try to remember your schedule, and think about NEWS. Tegoshi, Tegoshi is an entirely different issue. In your head you call it The Night Before and The Morning After, which, to any other person would sound like some lover's interlude, but it's just how you see it.
Your cellphone rings and Tegoshi's name shows up on the caller id. You don't know why but you can't help yourself when you immediately grab it and answer with a smile. "Hello?"
"Can you come for tomorrow's photoshoot earlier?" He asks you right away.
"Why?"
"I need to leave, a little after lunch. I already asked permission from our manager and he says it's ok if it's ok with you."
Oh. And you had wanted to make him go shopping with you tomorrow. "That's fine, I guess. Should we go grab a bite, after?" I'd like to spend a little more time with you
"Can't, sorry. I'm meeting someone." I'm--
[So I’ve learned to listen through silence]
On one of your tv promotions for your upcoming single, the interviewer asks the same old questions, and you answer them all in the same manner you've done before, only worded differently.
There was one question that was different though, and you can't remember it no matter how much you try, you don't even remember how you answered it. But Tegoshi's response, for some reason, kept repeating itself in your head:
"There are those people who are always moving, going somewhere. They're not at a standstill, waiting for something, anything, to happen. Sometimes I feel like this and I don't like it, all this waiting for something when obviously there's nothing." Tegoshi had said, and it's unnoticeable but you felt him shift away from you as he said it.
"Oh, Tegoshi-san, that's quite heartbreaking," The interviewer had gushed, "Is this about a lost love?"
"It can't be lost if I never had it in the first place, can it," Tegoshi had replied, a wry smile on his face.
[I tell myself all the words he surely meant to say
I’ll talk until the conversation doesn’t stay on]
You have another one of your phone conversations late that night, going over set lists and costumes and promotions when from out of nowhere, you blurt out, "You were in the tabloids again, yesterday." The line stays silent after that and you slap your forehead because obviously that was a tactless remark.
"Sorry, I'm sorry. It's not true, I know. Of course." You stutter, embarrassed.
Tegoshi just laughs, but doesn't confirm nor deny anything.
"But, well, you said half of those stories are lies anyway, right?"
"When did I tell you that?"
You blink. Oh. You weren't supposed to have heard that. "Err, one of the staff overheard you, I think. And told me." You explain.
"Ok."
You try to fill the awkward silence by blathering on about stage layouts and tv interviews, Tegoshi saying one-line responses occasionally. Once again, you try to picture his face at the other end of the line; this time, you have no idea how he looks.
[Wait for me I’m almost ready]
One morning, you wake up hours before your alarm is supposed to go off, and the first thought that comes to your mind is Tegoshi.
You think about the consequences of it all. You know the fans like it, ask for it, even, but to tell them it's true and not just fanservice is taboo, always will be. At least that's what you think. Both of you are not so reckless as to try and find out. After all, both of you are practical and value your careers. It's not like you're going to announce it to the world, right? It would just be something between the two of you, private, experimental. It will come and go, and when it does, both your curiosities will be satisfied, no harm done, no one the wiser.
What does it matter, who you choose to be with?
--------
Eventually Tegoshi stops asking about it but you don't worry, because you're sure that it's only because he doesn't want to put any more pressure on you that is necessary. You're getting a bit impatient with yourself as well, because really, in the back of your mind, you know that somehow, you want to try this out too. Your indecisiveness sometimes really is a stubborn thing.
--------
It's different when Tegoshi holds your hand, when it's only the two of you and there are no cameras nor prying eyes. The touch means something a little more intimate, a little more lovely. Tegoshi has always been the one to initiate anything. Whenever he does this you politely hold it back, but accidentally-on-purpose find something else to do with your hands. It's not because you don't want to but because every time you touch nowadays, it somehow feels electric.
This time, when you find your hands swinging close to Tegoshi's, and when skin met skin, you automatically lace your fingers through his. Tegoshi smiles, but for a moment you think you felt him hesitate.
--------
You've just finished recording for an evening radio show, and you're walking towards the elevator. You're both tired, but for some reason you feel energized, awake. Tegoshi is beside you, a weary smile on his face now that it's only the two of you. "I'm sleepy, Tegoshi~" you say, and bump your head on Tegoshi's shoulder for a bit. "No you're not," He tells you. "Though you should be. You've been bouncing around all day." Tegoshi replies, waiting for the elevator doors to open. The elevator is deserted except for the two of you, and this time, you make the first move.
You casually brush your arm against Tegoshi's, the backs of your hands touching. You let it stay that way for a second, keeping yourself from grinning too much. Eventually, you lace your fingers through his, squeezing it a bit before turning to the younger boy and greeting him "Good evening-"
Tegoshi gives a small laugh, replying "It's almost midnight, Massu". He laughs quietly again, and stops for a moment. He gives your hand a squeeze back before purposely detaching his own, not quite meeting your eyes. You automatically reach out again, but Tegoshi fists his hand and sticks it in his pocket, and you get confused. You lift your head to look at his face but he's staring resolutely ahead so you do the same. The elevator walls mirror the both of you, your face questioning, and Tegoshi's, unreadable.
Tegoshi closes his eyes, opens them, and grabs your hand. Tightly. "I have something to tell you, Massu,"
[When he meant let go]
END
End notes:
1. "There are those people who are always moving, going somewhere. They're not at a standstill, waiting for something, anything, to happen." - taken from the novel Girls in Trucks by Katie Crouch. Original line was this: "Those girls, they were moving on to somewhere. They weren't stuck in a too-old Jetta, waiting for something, anything to happen. They weren't wasting their lives on a man who couldn't even commit to liking eggplant."
2. This was one of my first Tegomass fic idea but I had trouble finishing it, and it shows. There is supposed to be a companion song fic to this, from Tegoshi's point of view, but that definitely does not want to get written for now. Am posting this now so I can finally move on to other ideas. I apologize if this piece seems to be trying so hard when it's just so disjointed X(
3. Please excuse any typos and grammar errors. Please point out all my confusing mistakes.
Thank you for reading.
Pairing: Masuda x Tegoshi
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Romance
Summary: Sometimes the most important conversations happen between the lines. It was almost like a relationship for Massu and Tegoshi, only it ends before it even begins.
Notes: Song fic, based from Sara Bareilles' song of the same title. I don't know if it's fluffy, but it certainly is sappy, so be warned. Parts in [brackets] are the lyrics. If anybody's interested in hearing the song, you can listen to it HERE
Disclaimer: Not mine, not for profit, stories are fictional but the characters are not.
[Time to tell me the truth
To burden your mouth for what you say
No pieces of paper in the way
’Cause I can’t continue pretending to choose
The opposite sides on which we fall
The loving you laters if at all
No right minds could wrong be this many times]
You're with Tegoshi right now, going over plans for your upcoming activities as Tegomass. In between the 30 minute break that your manager has given you, you find yourself alone in a conference room with only the younger boy for company. The mood is calm, comfortable. You're used to being quiet with each other, and that's not necessarily a bad thing.
You chance a glance at Tegoshi and see him going over your schedule, eyes darting back and forth a crumpled sheet of paper. You, on the other hand, content yourself with lounging on the couch, earphone attached to one ear, while the other waits for Tegoshi to break the silence.
"Massu, I keep forgetting to tell you, but my mom wanted to invite you over for dinner at my apartment next week. To celebrate, you know, us having an album and concert and everything."
"Next week? Sure, yeah."
"Bring your parents and sister too, if they can come. Mom wants to see them again."
"I'll tell them, then."
Tegoshi nods, and a minute of silence pass between the two of you. You lean back on the couch, still half-heartedly listening to your music player. You're waiting for Tegoshi to bring it up again, to say those words he's mentioned quite a few times for the last several months. Questions he asks you at least every year, for the last three years.
You look at him, and his eyes are fixed to one spot on the paper in front of him. He refuses to look at you, and from that you know exactly what he's going say when the younger boy opens his mouth to speak.
"Remember our last conversation, Massu?"
That's all Tegoshi says, but you know exactly what he's talking about, which particular conversation he's referring to. You're expecting it, but you are nevertheless unprepared to answer it when it comes. You turn the volume on your player down; half of your mind is mulling over the question Tegoshi's just asked, but the other half is still listening to the music playing. It's a song about unrequited love, you realize, and eventually you turn it off partly because honestly, you're confusing Tegoshi's question with the music's lyrics.
"What about it?" You ask.
When Tegoshi speaks, his voice is quiet, almost like a whisper. You hear him clearly anyway. "I ask you about it every year, and every year you give me the same response. I'm trying it again, now."
"Um." You pause, at a loss for words. "Um, are you sure this is not just some flight of fancy of yours?" Why do you keep playing around with me?
"You keep asking me that every year as well, and I always give the same reply. It's not, Massu." I'm not playing around
"Are you going to change your mind?" Then what are you trying to do?
"You know the answer to that." You know the answer to that
"It's not exactly a conventional idea-" It's not something people can just accept
"It can't be totally wrong if we both feel the same." Who cares what other people think
"How do you know if I feel the same?" Friendship first, more than anything else
"I don't. But this is why I'd like for us to at least try." It doesn't mean we have to give anything up
You don't know how to respond to this, but there's a knock on the door and your manager steps inside, and you're saved from having to answer. At least, for now. Your manager heads straight for Tegoshi, and they discuss album covers and promotions. You take this chance put your other earphone on, pretend to listen to music even though it's still turned off, and close your eyes.
You know exactly what Tegoshi is talking about, but the actual words, the actual subject is not brought up, not here, not at work where the walls have ears and nothing is private. You wonder how it became such a serious topic, when it all started out as a joke, meant to tease the two of you all those years ago.
[My memory is cruel
I’m queen of attention to details
Defending intentions if he fails]
"The two of you look so adorable together"
You smiled back, grateful for the compliment, although you've heard this a million times before. You wished they'd tell you something different, but it's no use, because the two of you really were more 'cute' than good looking or sexy. At least, at that moment. You've got your baby face and Tegoshi looks more like an adorable street urchin rather than a soon-to-be idol.
"Aww, look at the two of you hug! Are you going on a date after this?" The film crew teases. They weren't being mean, but all the same the two of you had broken your hug and stuttered in your responses.
"E-eh?" You had said awkwardly. Tegoshi just smiled wide, a bit embarrassed, but kept his hold of the hem of your shirt with one hand.
--------
"Masuda-san, Tegoshi-san, your voices go well together. Practice singing duets, ok?"
--------
"Ah. You guys are so different but you don't fight! You'd be a perfect couple!"
--------
"I'm sorry if I'm being too clingy, Massu, ne." Tegoshi had told you, during one of your karaoke sessions. Koyama had decided to invite himself along, and was belting out a NEWS song by himself as you and Tegoshi shared a bag of chips.
"What's up with that serious tone?" You laughed. "I don't mind. As long as it makes you feel comfortable with the group, ne"
"This is why I like you, you know,"
"Actually, I don't know." You teased.
"You should! Maybe we SHOULD be a couple, ne Massu?"
"No thanks. We get enough teasing as it is. Speaking of which, lately you're looking more like a girl, Tegoshi."
"I can't help it if I have very good skin-"
"-and really humble, I must say-" You butted in.
Tegoshi just ignored your jibe. "Ma, even the fans like to pair us up together. Don't you think there's some truth in that?"
"Oi, Tegoshi, don't confuse fanservice with... with..." But you couldn't finish your sentence because at that moment Tegoshi chose to attack you with a hug.
"You're a couple~" Koyama had teased the two of you back then.
"We are NOT," You said, but you did not protest when Tegoshi sidled up beside you after that.
--------
After that same karaoke session, as you and Tegoshi were heading home, he had asked you a question.
"Ne, Massu, you like me, don't you?"
"Of course."
"Wanna go out?"
"Where?"
"I mean, do you want to try it?" He had asked, a little too casually.
"Don't be a prankster."
"I'm serious. What's wrong with trying it out?"
"In case you didn't notice, we're both boys"
"What does it matter as long as we genuinely like each other?"
You had laughed then, pretending to go along with Tegoshi. "I like you, but I don't really think Tego + Massu would work well together like that," You had pointed out, and a month after that you realized the irony of your remark, when you were told you were to be debuting as Tegomass. And in Sweden, no less.
--------
Several days after your trip to Sweden, Tegoshi had asked, "Ne, remember what I told you before, Massu?"
"Which one?"
"What I told you after karaoke. That one." Tegoshi had emphasized.
"Ok. And?"
"I've decided to keep asking until you give an answer. It's either yes or no. No maybes or I'm-not-sures."
You sighed, that time, because really, it was getting just a little bit weird. "It's a good thing we're good friends, you know, because sometimes your jokes are weirder than mine."
"Think what you want, but I'm serious, Massu."
[Until now, he told me her name
It sounded familiar in a way
I could have sworn I’d heard him say it
ten thousand times
If only I had been listening]
The sound of a cellphone ringing brings you back to the present. Your manager and Tegoshi both have their backs turned to you, and you see Tegoshi reach for his phone, eyes scanning the screen before answering. He talks low and trots to one end of the room for privacy, which you find a bit out of character. Usually Tegoshi doesn't care who hears his phone conversations, talking in a loud, unaffected voice until someone berates him for being too noisy. Your interest gets piqued, and you try to strain your ears to hear bits and pieces of his phone call.
"...tonight's good, I guess. Sure." Tegoshi shifts from one foot to another. "I'll talk to you later, ok? Bye."
He walks back to your manager, who grins at him. "Date tonight? Someone we know?" Your manager asks teasingly.
"Eh? No, no, you got it wrong. It's just a friend." Tegoshi laughingly replies.
"You sure? I did read something from some tabloid saying they saw you on a date with a noncelebrity girl," Your manager muses.
"It's tabloid. Half of their so-called news are nothing but lies." Tegoshi says, eyes straying for a second to your prone form. You immediately close your eyes, not wanting to be caught listening in.
The doors open again to signal the return of the staff, one of them tapping you on the arm lightly to wake you up. You open your eyes, make a show of turning your music player off and stowing it away, and as Tegoshi and the others get ready for another brainstorming session you wonder which half of the news Tegoshi's gossip falls under.
[Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me
Always between the lines]
You don't know how you got into this situation, but after your Tegomass dinner celebration you end up spending the night at Tegoshi's apartment, slightly, just slightly, wasted.
Your parents have gone home early, with Tegoshi's mother and grandmother following soon after, leaving the two of you to clean up the resulting mess. Both of you clear away plates and food and gifts as best as you can, then retreat to the living room for a post-dinner celebration just for the two of you. You and Tegoshi change into sleep clothes, him in silk pajama bottoms and a small, worn t-shirt while you opt for sweatpants and an oversized shirt. Tegoshi switches the television on but keeps it on mute, then turns the radio on and fiddles with the remote to find a suitable station.
"I like that song," You tell him, when he stops at an R&B station.
Tegoshi shakes his head and chooses a station playing soft, mellow music. "This is better, ne. So we can sleep right away."
The lights are off, the television providing enough brightness to blanket the two of you. You talk randomly, jumping from one topic to another, chips and crackers and soda and beer scattered on the living room floor, the two of you right smack in the middle of it, backs leaning against the sofa. An hour and a half later, you're still jumping from one topic to another, only, the conversations aren't really making sense because both of you are just giggling and pointing randomly at the tv screen. Occasionally Tegoshi would sing along to the songs playing on the radio.
"My tummy hurts, I think I ate too much" You tell him, lisping a tiny bit. You tend to do that when you've consumed alcohol.
Tegoshi catches the lisp and turns to you in amusement, "You always eat too much. You just had a lot of beer tonight, that's all."
"I don't like beer." You say, staring at your beer can with a frown.
"Why do you drink it, then?"
"I like trying it out once in a while," And you prove your point by emptying the can in your hands.
"Trying things out is good for you. Then you'll know if you can have the-- the tolerance for it," Tegoshi murmurs. In your hazy mind, you think Tegoshi might not be talking about the beer, but you don't comment on it.
A lull settles over the two of you after that, and you lean your head back, enjoying the quiet sounds from the radio. You start to drift off to sleep when you feel a shadow ghost over your face, and you open them to find Tegoshi leaning down in front of you, on his knees. The lights from the tv obscure his face but you can feel him staring straight into your eyes.
You grab Tegoshi's wrist and halt his progress. "What are you doing?" you ask, panic evident in your voice. "Let's... let's just try it once, ok?" Tegoshi says as he leans over, angling his face towards you. You hesitate. "Massu. Don't think. Please. Just feel" Tegoshi pleads. Your first instinct is to laugh hysterically. What Tegoshi just said reminded you of when you were guests at a tv show and the sleazy way that the younger boy had said Don't think. Feeel~, but there's nothing sleazy about Tegoshi's words now, no.
You're cheek to cheek now, and you can feel Tegoshi exhale shakily, his breath warm on the side of your neck. You swallow. You don't want this, it's not appropriate. You're about to break away but you feel Tegoshi's pulse, faint but erratically beating against your fingers and you realize that Tegoshi's nervous. In that instant, you don't know why but you make up your mind; you take a deep breath and tighten your grip, turning your face to meet his mouth. You hold your breath and don't move, mouths closed, your slightly chapped lips just resting against Tegoshi's slightly dry ones.
For several moments everything is still, both of you unsure of what to do next, just mouth on mouth, waiting for the other to make the next move. Inevitably it is Tegoshi who cannot stand the limbo any longer and he opens his mouth, just barely, making your mouth open as well, and Tegoshi breathes out and into your mouth. You shiver, tear yourself a little bit away from him and lean your foreheads together, your breaths mingling in the enclosed space you've created, warming your cheeks. You can almost taste the smell of alcohol reeking from both your mouths and it makes you feel lightheaded.
Tegoshi's eyes are closed, and you take this moment to stare at him. You realize you're gripping both his wrists now, and Tegoshi's only holding himself up by leaning his forehead against yours, his palms warm over the tops of your sweatpant-clad thigh. You don't know what to do next, so you release his wrists and Tegoshi opens his eyes to look cautiously at you. He leans back on his legs and watches as you open and close your mouth.
"I don't think... this isn't--" I'm terrified of even thinking about it
"I know, but. But I-" I can't stop thinking about it
"This isn't right." But somehow it doesn't feel wrong
"So what do we do?" Maybe we can try it out
"Just... it'll pass, I guess." But,-
Silhouetted in black and gray, for a long time, you stare at each other as the tv screen casts shadows over your flustered faces.
A love song ends on the radio.
[I thought I was ready to bleed
That we’d move from the shadows on the wall
And stand in the center of it all]
The next day, things get a little awkward between the two of you. You try to pretend nothing happened and Tegoshi attempts to talk about it.
"I'm sorry if you got taken aback last night," He tells you while you clean up the living room. You make a noncommittal noise, busying yourself by picking up empty wrappers and cans on the floor.
"I just wanted to try it out once. I meant no harm, Massu."
You nod at him once, then avert your eyes quickly.
"You-- you'll think about it, right?"
You clear your throat and desperately look for something to do.
"Massu?"
"Um, Tegoshi--" You start to say, but Tegoshi interrupts you.
"--it doesn't have to be serious. We're young, we're allowed to experiment. I still like girls, but I feel connected to you in a different way," Tegoshi says hastily, his words flowing out in a rush.
"I still like girls," You repeat after him.
"I know you do. It doesn't have to be serious," He repeats again, "Nobody needs to know. And it's-- it's not like we're going to be together. Just... something a little more intimate than close friends."
An image of the two of you last night, faces pressed close together, floats into your mind and you remember how it felt. It was out of your comfort zone, and you're sure that it's unacceptable, but just thinking about it makes you feel faint. High.
"When you-- every time you ask me about this," You helplessly flap your hands between the two of you, "You really want to go through with it?"
Tegoshi looks at you, and he's probably surprised that you're actually willing to discuss it for once, after all this time. "Yes," he tells you firmly.
It takes you several minutes before you reply "Ok," and even then you're still not sure what you're agreeing to. "I'll, well I'll think about it." You tell him.
Tegoshi gives you a small smile. "That's all I'm asking."
[Too late two choices to stay or to leave
Mine was so easy to uncover
He’d already left with the other]
What happened between the two of you remain private and no one brings it up. You see each other almost every other day for Tegomass meetings and those days reveal nothing out of the ordinary. It's still comfortable, being with each other at work, where there are things to do to distract you and a lot of people to buffer any tension. Besides, it's work, and you take great pains in trying to separate personal and professional issues.
In the public eye you're still Tegomass, Tegoshi and Masuda, singing partners and friends and idols. In private you're Masuda and Tegoshi, who's shared one sloppy almost-kiss. An almost-kiss too laden with meaning that's left you both unsettled. Tegoshi is anxious but expectant; you, on the other hand, are stuck with two answers. Yes or no. Right or wrong. You think about it too much that's it's stopped making much sense, if it made any at all before.
----------
"This is too hard," You tell him, during one of your frequent phone conversations. Supposedly Tegoshi called you up to talk about schedules, but after hemming and hawing for a few minutes he finally sighed and drove straight to the point.
"You remember our last conversation, Massu?" He asks again. Again, you know exactly which conversation he's talking about.
"This is too hard," You repeat, and from the other line you hear nothing but background noise for a moment. You hear him clear his throat, sounding like he wants to say something. In your head you picture Tegoshi's face: he's worrying his lip, his eyes unfocused. You wonder if he understood what you were trying to say. Tegoshi will probably interpret it the wrong way but you don't correct him; you don't know how to, anyway. The line is silent for a long time, and you open your mouth to say something when Tegoshi speaks up.
"Tell me when you make up your mind, ok? I don't want to rope you into something you don't want."
--------
You're off work today, and you spend it at home, just lolling around your bed and thinking about... stuff. Your head is filled with thoughts about work, Tegomass, schedules, NEWS, Tegoshi. You fret about work, plan about Tegomass, try to remember your schedule, and think about NEWS. Tegoshi, Tegoshi is an entirely different issue. In your head you call it The Night Before and The Morning After, which, to any other person would sound like some lover's interlude, but it's just how you see it.
Your cellphone rings and Tegoshi's name shows up on the caller id. You don't know why but you can't help yourself when you immediately grab it and answer with a smile. "Hello?"
"Can you come for tomorrow's photoshoot earlier?" He asks you right away.
"Why?"
"I need to leave, a little after lunch. I already asked permission from our manager and he says it's ok if it's ok with you."
Oh. And you had wanted to make him go shopping with you tomorrow. "That's fine, I guess. Should we go grab a bite, after?" I'd like to spend a little more time with you
"Can't, sorry. I'm meeting someone." I'm--
[So I’ve learned to listen through silence]
On one of your tv promotions for your upcoming single, the interviewer asks the same old questions, and you answer them all in the same manner you've done before, only worded differently.
There was one question that was different though, and you can't remember it no matter how much you try, you don't even remember how you answered it. But Tegoshi's response, for some reason, kept repeating itself in your head:
"There are those people who are always moving, going somewhere. They're not at a standstill, waiting for something, anything, to happen. Sometimes I feel like this and I don't like it, all this waiting for something when obviously there's nothing." Tegoshi had said, and it's unnoticeable but you felt him shift away from you as he said it.
"Oh, Tegoshi-san, that's quite heartbreaking," The interviewer had gushed, "Is this about a lost love?"
"It can't be lost if I never had it in the first place, can it," Tegoshi had replied, a wry smile on his face.
[I tell myself all the words he surely meant to say
I’ll talk until the conversation doesn’t stay on]
You have another one of your phone conversations late that night, going over set lists and costumes and promotions when from out of nowhere, you blurt out, "You were in the tabloids again, yesterday." The line stays silent after that and you slap your forehead because obviously that was a tactless remark.
"Sorry, I'm sorry. It's not true, I know. Of course." You stutter, embarrassed.
Tegoshi just laughs, but doesn't confirm nor deny anything.
"But, well, you said half of those stories are lies anyway, right?"
"When did I tell you that?"
You blink. Oh. You weren't supposed to have heard that. "Err, one of the staff overheard you, I think. And told me." You explain.
"Ok."
You try to fill the awkward silence by blathering on about stage layouts and tv interviews, Tegoshi saying one-line responses occasionally. Once again, you try to picture his face at the other end of the line; this time, you have no idea how he looks.
[Wait for me I’m almost ready]
One morning, you wake up hours before your alarm is supposed to go off, and the first thought that comes to your mind is Tegoshi.
You think about the consequences of it all. You know the fans like it, ask for it, even, but to tell them it's true and not just fanservice is taboo, always will be. At least that's what you think. Both of you are not so reckless as to try and find out. After all, both of you are practical and value your careers. It's not like you're going to announce it to the world, right? It would just be something between the two of you, private, experimental. It will come and go, and when it does, both your curiosities will be satisfied, no harm done, no one the wiser.
What does it matter, who you choose to be with?
--------
Eventually Tegoshi stops asking about it but you don't worry, because you're sure that it's only because he doesn't want to put any more pressure on you that is necessary. You're getting a bit impatient with yourself as well, because really, in the back of your mind, you know that somehow, you want to try this out too. Your indecisiveness sometimes really is a stubborn thing.
--------
It's different when Tegoshi holds your hand, when it's only the two of you and there are no cameras nor prying eyes. The touch means something a little more intimate, a little more lovely. Tegoshi has always been the one to initiate anything. Whenever he does this you politely hold it back, but accidentally-on-purpose find something else to do with your hands. It's not because you don't want to but because every time you touch nowadays, it somehow feels electric.
This time, when you find your hands swinging close to Tegoshi's, and when skin met skin, you automatically lace your fingers through his. Tegoshi smiles, but for a moment you think you felt him hesitate.
--------
You've just finished recording for an evening radio show, and you're walking towards the elevator. You're both tired, but for some reason you feel energized, awake. Tegoshi is beside you, a weary smile on his face now that it's only the two of you. "I'm sleepy, Tegoshi~" you say, and bump your head on Tegoshi's shoulder for a bit. "No you're not," He tells you. "Though you should be. You've been bouncing around all day." Tegoshi replies, waiting for the elevator doors to open. The elevator is deserted except for the two of you, and this time, you make the first move.
You casually brush your arm against Tegoshi's, the backs of your hands touching. You let it stay that way for a second, keeping yourself from grinning too much. Eventually, you lace your fingers through his, squeezing it a bit before turning to the younger boy and greeting him "Good evening-"
Tegoshi gives a small laugh, replying "It's almost midnight, Massu". He laughs quietly again, and stops for a moment. He gives your hand a squeeze back before purposely detaching his own, not quite meeting your eyes. You automatically reach out again, but Tegoshi fists his hand and sticks it in his pocket, and you get confused. You lift your head to look at his face but he's staring resolutely ahead so you do the same. The elevator walls mirror the both of you, your face questioning, and Tegoshi's, unreadable.
Tegoshi closes his eyes, opens them, and grabs your hand. Tightly. "I have something to tell you, Massu,"
[When he meant let go]
END
End notes:
1. "There are those people who are always moving, going somewhere. They're not at a standstill, waiting for something, anything, to happen." - taken from the novel Girls in Trucks by Katie Crouch. Original line was this: "Those girls, they were moving on to somewhere. They weren't stuck in a too-old Jetta, waiting for something, anything to happen. They weren't wasting their lives on a man who couldn't even commit to liking eggplant."
2. This was one of my first Tegomass fic idea but I had trouble finishing it, and it shows. There is supposed to be a companion song fic to this, from Tegoshi's point of view, but that definitely does not want to get written for now. Am posting this now so I can finally move on to other ideas. I apologize if this piece seems to be trying so hard when it's just so disjointed X(
3. Please excuse any typos and grammar errors. Please point out all my confusing mistakes.
Thank you for reading.