It really made me think of Athens, for some reason. Which is good!
I love the structure, and the imagery is once again just <3 <3 <3.
Some things that were a little jarring: the double negative in line 8 (which was probably intended to be jarring?), and some of the punctuation use is inconsistent. The lack of punctuation after some lines but not others makes it seem like it's supposed to be read "straight," or like a series of poetic sentences, but there are some lines (4-5, 11-12) that don't seem to fit that structure. They didn't stick out on the first reading but when I looked over it again it was kind of confusing, particularly lines 11-12, with the "while" and then change of tense.
Eh, mostly when I wrote poetry I just write it and make it look and sound the way I want it to--I honestly don't think about it too much. I hope that doesn't lessen your opinion of my writing in general XD
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I love the structure, and the imagery is once again just <3 <3 <3.
Some things that were a little jarring: the double negative in line 8 (which was probably intended to be jarring?), and some of the punctuation use is inconsistent. The lack of punctuation after some lines but not others makes it seem like it's supposed to be read "straight," or like a series of poetic sentences, but there are some lines (4-5, 11-12) that don't seem to fit that structure. They didn't stick out on the first reading but when I looked over it again it was kind of confusing, particularly lines 11-12, with the "while" and then change of tense.
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Eh, mostly when I wrote poetry I just write it and make it look and sound the way I want it to--I honestly don't think about it too much. I hope that doesn't lessen your opinion of my writing in general XD
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