Slipping Into Entropy - Part 49
While he was out, Bruce cleaned himself up and then went through the modest library. Nietzsche was always on hand in the Wayne residencies, just so that Bruce could have something to talk about that didn't drive him up a wall whenever he had to play social and entertain guests. A deck of cards was also not so difficult to find. The Joker's other request however threw his caretaker off. Something he liked. He ran his hands over rows of spines on the shelves. Sun Tzu, Machiavelli...... Precisely the kind of thing he didn't want to hand to the Joker right now. Or ever. He scowled to himself and decided he'd look for something that struck him later. In the meantime he took what he had back down to the room at the deep end of the lair.
Joker continued to float in a dark, dreamless abyss, mind and body both numbed beyond all sensation. If he had retained his consciousness, this would have been the sort of thing he would have complained to Bruce about; not only being too sedated and helpless to react should something happen, but drugged until he couldn't even keep watch. Alfred, should he felt so inclined, could have calmly walked up to the bed and murdered him in less than two minutes flat.
Instead, it was the young billionaire who visited him in his sleep, lying the books and cards softly down on the bedside table and fixing the blanket that had started to tangle around the Joker's limbs. Bruce sat at his side once more, simply watching him. It was surprisingly peaceful now, the tension and anxiety of the impromptu "surgery" having transformed into a triumphant kind of bliss.
Oddly, as peaceful as it was, there was something slightly off about Joker being so passive, so quiet, so still. Even when relaxed and sleeping, the slender man's limbs would normally twitch, expressions flowing softly across his face. Deep within the hold of a drugged sleep, not even his eyes moved behind closed lids. If it wasn't for the steady rise and fall of his chest, he could have been mistaken for a doll.
The day wore into evening, and when Bruce left him finally, it was to don his armor and head out into the night. There was no way to plan when he would be coming back, but he hoped the city would be quiet tonight. Taking off in the pod, shooting out of the lair and into the narrow streets just outside of downtown Gotham, Bruce switched on his radio receiver and tried to find peace with the Batman.
Joker woke hours later, the lights in the lair dim yet giving no indication of the time. A woozy glance to the table beside the bed revealed a couple of books and a pack of cards as he'd requested, but there was no sign of anyone else in the room. Awhile, then. There was no way to tell how long it had been since he passed out, nor how long he would have to wait before someone would return to the room.
Far on the opposite side of the cave, Alfred sat at the system of monitors, watching Bruce's progression throughout Gotham. So far the crusader was simply surveilling the area. He was out of it tonight, he'd mentioned to Alfred over the receiver, not finding himself. He still felt too much like Bruce Wayne. The butler had made a small comment of consolation, but there wasn't much he could do. Alfred understood on some level..... Bruce could be very vague whenever he spoke of this, but the butler would have to be blind not to notice that in order to completely become Batman, Bruce needed to get into a certain "mindset". One that he wouldn't, and shouldn't, necessarily share with anyone who knew him. He needed to go somewhere darker, somewhere Bruce Wayne wouldn't normally go, and tonight his mind too much back in the lair with a sleeping figure to do so. Bruce hadn't said this in so many words, but Alfred surmised as much from the day's events. He knew eventually that Bruce would request radio silence, for Alfred to leave his monitoring work, just so that Bruce could find his way in his own head. He'd done it on many occasions before. And sure enough, "Alfred."
"Yes?"
"I think I've got things from here. I'll give you a call if something comes up that I can't handle." And with that, the radio went dead. Alfred sighed and turned off the screen he'd been watching.
A faint sound reached Joker's ears, followed by a male voice responding to the noise. Struggling to sit up, he barely managed to prop himself against the headboard of the bed; it was hard to control a body you couldn't really feel. "Bat? Is that you?" The madman wasn't happy with how weak his voice sounded, nor the echoing silence that followed.
Hearing the Joker's voice stopped Alfred in his tracks after he rose and moved down the hall. So Bruce's mad charge was awake, and fairly coherent. The butler turned toward his room after a moment of indecision. He could have ignored the Joker, like he had mainly been attempting to do these days, but.....there was an opportunity here to take a chance with the madman. Things between them had steadily been souring, which wasn't unexpected, but it was also grating. The Joker had tried to talk to him when they'd played cards. For as much as he'd distrusted the madman, Alfred had tried to reciprocate what he'd come to think of as a moment of honesty, but....there was only so much harmony that could be had between them. It slipped through his fingers like water. He suspected neither of them knew for sure whether or not they really wanted to find a means of coexistence, but he still could not ignore the fact that the Joker had tried to talk. So Alfred went to the door, stepping up to the threshold to let the injured man see him clearly. "It's only me."
It took a few moments for Joker's hazy expression of hopeful curiosity dissolved into disappointment, the drugs still slowing down his ability to process things. "...oh. He's out, then? It's nighttime?" It occurred to him that it was strange Alfred had even bothered to respond, much less walk to the room. They'd been steadily eying and avoiding each other in a wary stalemate, both of them uneasy and watching each other for their next move.
It made the silence in the room prominent between their words. Down in the lair, perhaps with the added knowledge that they were underground, things often seemed still. This was unusually pronounced. "Yes. He left an hour ago," the butler responded, then after a breath added, "It's been a slow night".
The slender man in the bed absorbed this, a confused frown gracing his brow as he watched Alfred. "So... why are you here, then? Normally you're shadowing Bat or hidden away somewhere, trying not to run into me. What's with the sudden change of heart? Or did Bruce tell you to be a nanny instead of a butler for awhile?" he asked, his mouth twisting in distaste at the thought.
"He didn't." Alfred's face pulled into a light frown. Being made fun of by criminals was never his idea of a pleasant experience. And they always seemed to hit on the same points. "I heard you, as I was passing." In truth he didn't have a strong explanation as to why he was breaking their little standoff, just that he thought the man shouldn't be waiting here alone after he woke up not knowing where Bruce was.
"But you could have chosen to ignore me. I could yell and scream down here forever and no one above would ever hear me," Joker pointed out, his expression smoothing out into something just shy of wary. "Don't tell me you're getting a soft spot." He didn't believe the butler even could; if Bruce was hard to sway, Alfred was impossible.
The butler gave a long suffering sigh. "It will be hours before he returns. Forgive me for showing you a spot of consideration." The Joker was frustrating to be sure, but at least he wasn't shouting for Alfred to get out of the room and far away from him yet. He certainly had been acting like he feared for his life whenever in the butler's presense and Bruce was within earshot. Alfred did suspect that ploy for favor had more than a fair amount of honesty in it, but it hadn't deterred the Joker from playing it up a bit.
"There's no need to be snide about it. It just didn't seem like you to try to coddle anyone but your 'son'. I can only imagine how you'd be if he'd been female; people always seem to be more protective of the gals..." The butler wasn't moving forward, wasn't making any threats or suspicious motions... but he wasn't leaving either.
At first, Alfred was a bit put off. He had been all Bruce had when his parents left him, and even then letting the Wayne heir grow up in his care had been nothing short of hellish at points more frequent than he would like to admit. "If that is what you think, then your imaginings of Bruce in his teenaged years is as far from reality as you could possibly get." "Coddling" certainly was not at the forefront of his mind when he thought back to it.
"Oh? Tell me where I'm off, then. I doubt anything would have cured him of his sulking and dark moods and irrational pangs of guilt, or he wouldn't so stubbornly be stuck in the same few memories. You couldn't stop him from becoming what he is short of something drastic, but you give in so easily. From what I've seen, whenever he wants something you bend over backwards and give it to him or go along with his plans. With a few exceptions," Joker amended, rubbing two fingers over the healing scab on his chest.
Alfred's arms crossed over his chest and he stepped into the room further. "Out of all the plans Bruce has had in his life, believe me, this is one of the better ones. And considering that the man dresses up in kevlar molded to look like a bat and go out to fight crime in the middle of the night, that is saying something." Perhaps Alfred had bent to his will only by comparison to where Bruce was then and where he is now. "We have fought, many, many times, and relations between us were not always this understanding." It was beginning to dawn on him that he was getting into an actual conversation here, but he did have a point to make.
Joker barked out a dry laugh, not quite believing what he was hearing. "So was I right, then? You're frightened of me being around him because I'm what he might have been and might still become?" Part of him was still very curious, and the question escaped before he had a chance to mull it over. "Why do you care so much, anyway, if he isn't really your son? Lots of people don't even treat their blood kin so well."
"That doesn't matter," Alfred shook his head without hesitation. "He was in my care from the beginning. This life working for the Waynes had always been more than a job to me. When he lost his parents, it simply meant that I was the only one left whom he could depend upon." The butler stood with his back straight, but it was a position he was used to, comfortable with even. He made sure to stay far enough away from the Joker not to impose. "And no, I am not frightened that he will become like you. I don't think many people could be quite like you. There are other paths of self-destruction he could have taken though. Some he almost did. ....the youths of wealthy parents often have ways of finding one another and turning the world around them into one giant playground, seeing who can go the furthest or the longest, like one great challenge. Those who excelled at the game almost always wound up the worst off in the end. And Bruce has always had a....taste for the things he wasn't meant to want." Alfred supposed that normal kids went through normal years of teenage rebellion. The Wayne heir and his peers, few and far between as they were,....had still often wound up over their heads.
"And you think I'm the most recent example of this - things he shouldn't want." There wasn't a hint of a question in his voice; he was simply stating what they both knew. "I don't know what I have to do to reassure you. I don't want to hurt Bat, I have no intentions of ever doing so, and I'm doing my best to keep him happy. Somehow I've managed it all for this long, though the last bit seems to be almost impossible." He didn't really care if the butler approved or not. Joker was more concerned about them coming to a truce or agreement of sorts, pushing things away from them both being on the edge of waging war on each other again.
The butler's head tilted to one side just a little, and a question crept into his gaze. "I am beginning to see that. I hope you know. Each day he takes care of you, and each day you still don't hurt him." Alfred made a small sigh, searching for a way to explain. "You enjoy destruction, you enjoy killing....you enjoy the end of things. By your very nature, yes you are one of the things he should not want." His tone held no accusation nor condescension. He wanted to make this crazy man understand. "What you were before you came to him made that so. But -" and he emphasized that part, "-but you are choosing to....to hold yourself back, if you will. I do recognize that. That does mean something to me." The butler swallowed, slightly awkward at the admission. "That does not mean that I don't see you for who....you are. Whom you will always be, and whom I don't believe even Bruce can change, much as he may like to hold you down. But I do see that, with effort, you have restraint. And if you didn't, I would still be standing between you and him with a shotgun in my hands. But I am not, not anymore." He gave a small nod, one of odd reassurance, as if saying that was designed to make the Joker feel better.
"Good. You understand then." The man could be lying, but it would have been unusual for him to do so. Joker had observed him enough to know that. "Bat doesn't quite understand, not completely. It's very... frustrating. Difficult. I'm not used to... having to try so hard not to upset someone else." That was a light way of putting it, upsetting another. It was refreshing that he didn't have to spell it out for Alfred; they both knew he was a monster and always would be.
"I do suppose that is the difference between myself and him then," Alfred said slowly. "You don't need me to like you, to feel anything for you, not like you need that from him. But I can also accept you because I don't need to. When you ask for something more from someone, it gets more difficult for them to see your every flaw and weakness." He gave a small scoff. "Not that I'm encouraging you not to. But everyone wants to believe just a little bit that their beloved isn't a complete monster. Although....considering that in the time you've been here you have managed to bring him around almost full circle in that regard, you should count yourself incredibly lucky. "
"I'm surprised it worked so well, considering how stubborn he is." Joker sighed, finally relaxing back against the bed's pillows. "He underestimates me, and there are many things he doesn't understand, but if his understanding would make him leave? Then I'd rather he never know." A sly smirk made an appearance on the madman's face, his eyes glittering. "This long without a scathing comment or an attack? I'm impressed."
The butler's lips turned slightly upward, but only just. "That goes likewise." He gave it some consideration, as well as taking the time to enjoy the brief reprieve of tension between the two of them. "I'm sure that on some level, he does suspect such things. But belief is a strong emotion. Somehow, somewhere along the line, it seems as though you've gotten him to believe in you. Whether he wanted to from the beginning or not."
"Possibly because he's started to see hints of what I'm willing to do, the lengths I'm willing to go for him. Convincing me to stop recruiting him probably also played a part," Joker laughed. He was still bitter about having his world view shattered by Bruce, but he'd always been quick to adapt. He'd taken the pieces and built something new to hold on to. "Don't be such a stiff. Sit down. It's not like I can bite you like this."
"I'd just as soon believe you could bite me in any condition you happen to be in," Alfred said rather abashedly, but stepped forward and made a place for himself at the foot of the Joker's bed anyway. His legs were covered by the blanket still, but the sharp outlines of them were easy to make out. "I take it the morphine is diminishing then. Bruce left a bottle of Vicodin on the table for you, in case the pain returns."
"Hmph. Unfortunately, I probably have to take that route. From what you said, it will be awhile before Bat gets back, and he probably won't be in the mood to let me have any fun with it." Unless he was extremely lucky and persuasive, there might not be anything for a long time; Bruce had seemed even more guilty and horrified than usual about his injuries. Joker wouldn't put it past him to tie him down and drug him until he was fully recovered.
Alfred looked like he was trying very, very hard not to imagine that scenario. His eyes fell from the Joker's and his expression had a pinched quality about it. "That, that may very well be," he said uncomfortably. "After what we went through today, I'm surprised you'd be so eager to hurt yourself. I'm sure even you would like to walk again one of these days."
"It's not a matter of never wanting to walk again. It just...-" Joker could see the older man was getting uncomfortable, so he shrugged. "You have no idea what it feels like. I've never found another person who does. I might be unique. I'm certain I could find a way to get what I want without reversing any healing that's done. I just doubt Bat will be willing to let me try." His eyes lost focus for a moment. "I might go mad if I have to stay confined in one place for the whole time, though."
"Well, the Wayne empire is nothing if not expansive." The butler looked a little more comfortable with the slight turn in conversation. "I believe Bruce mentioned something about spending some time at the manor." Conversation was gradually becoming easier, which may have been due to the fact that they had at least one shared interest. "I do remember a time when he wanted nothing more than to burn it all to the ground." Alfred said this if not fondly then at least good-naturedly. "By the time he was fifteen, it was impossible to keep him in the house or even under the radar of his own security."
"That sounds like him. I thought it was strange, at first, for him to be like that without living like I did. I think I finally understand it a bit, that for him it was just a different sort of trap. Fame and social circles and sheltered city living." A wicked smile flickered across Joker's face for a moment. "I still think he had things easy, whether he realizes it or not."
"A lot of people do," Alfred responded soberly. "And he did in a lot of ways. But yes, it is a very.....different sort of world he grew up in. In comparison to some of his peers, he was almost lucky not to spend his life battling with parents over family wealth. Though in the end, he still left." The butler seemed a bit regretful at that. In truth he was a little surprised that the Joker had admitted understanding Bruce in this way.
"You can't live when you're trapped. I'm not surprised," Joker said wryly. "Even if he did have a rather cushy trap in comparison. I've seen endless people complain about situations I would have given anything to be in, when I was younger. It's the nature of humanity to find fault with things when they aren't aware of a more horrific option. Then again, many of them can gain the information and still not care." The man shrugged.
The situation was very surreal, and Alfred felt more and more out of place as he listened to the Joker. What he was saying was quite a step down from what the butler had heard of his usual misanthropic ravings on humanity. He nodded quietly, aknowledging the difference. He had difficulty believing that he was having a civil conversation with this man. On the other hand, he did recognize the Joker as a very intelligent being, and though he might not agree with the man's narrow sighted point of view, he was beginning to understand that the Joker could be quite astute on occasion. "That must be one of the many personal reasons you dislike 'humanity' so much, then?"
Joker fixed the butler with a stare that was surprisingly sharp for someone who was so steeped in painkillers. "Not just personal. Humans are just vicious animals with the pretensions of being something else. Anyone who believes otherwise just hasn't had enough opportunities to observe it." He knew Alfred was something like an optimist and that he'd likely turn a deaf ear, but he was never one to back down from an opportunity to push his viewpoint.
"Are you sure that isn't a very subjective deduction?" The butler's expression remained open in spite of the edge in the conversation. "That would apply to Bruce as well if you truly believe in this theory." It was then that the most curious notion came over Alfred. This is why the Joker would never believe in anyone. By some miraculous fluke he saw something more in Batman, that he'd let Bruce in so very far because of it. But it was this very set of beliefs that would destroy them. Alfred didn't know if what he saw in Bruce was real or imagined, but either way someday Bruce would falter. He would betray or decieve the Joker because he was human, and humans, no matter how much they try to avoid it, do that. Whatever trust he had built in the Joker would be destroyed. Alfred realized he felt......sorry for them.
"Bruce is naive about humanity, thinks he can save everyone. Or at least beat down the bad elements so the good can thrive," Joker murmured. "But somehow we're the same on many levels. He hasn't looked as far into the abyss as I have, but he's found a lot of his own beast. He acknowledges it, works with it, doesn't pretend it doesn't exist. The rest of the world can burn for all I care; it doesn't matter to me very much if they realize the truth of things, not anymore. I don't want to be hurt as badly as I used to be, but I don't mind him doing whatever he wants with me."
That confused Alfred. "Really?" If the Joker felt this betrayed by the rest of the world, even if he'd found what he thought to be a kindred spirit in Bruce, it was hard to believe that Bruce's "monsters" would always be enough for him to handle. It might not matter whether Bruce delved as far into it as the Joker had. It would matter whether one of those monsters did something to betray that trust. Alfred wasn't quite sure if he could believe the Joker would allow Bruce to do anything to him, not after fighting so hard to destroy others who'd hurt him in the past.
"You sound like that's hard for you to accept. Why?" Joker's expressions seemed to waver between a keenness that suggested clear thinking and the dull, glassy gaze of someone drugged into a near-stupor. "I don't care what he does to me. Anyone else, if it's unwanted, I'll make them gravely sorry for ever attempting anything. Bat can do anything because he's mine. I want him and I know what comes with that. What I don't know is if he's really aware of what comes with me."
"It's just.....as you said, if it were anyone, anyone else, who hurt you, you wouldn't stand for it." All this time, Alfred had thought of the Joker as an unforgiving creature. Someone as cold as they come. There seemed to be no exceptions to his judgement of human beings. Except, now. "You would really forgive him, if he hurt you?"
Joker blinked at Alfred, confused. "He already has. A few times. I'd let him kill me if he wanted to." Bruce had hurt him both physically and psychologically since they began their strange relationship, and the madman wouldn't have stayed and tolerated any of it if he wasn't thoroughly dedicated to the other man. "I can't always stop myself, or change things, but I see who and what Bat is and accept it all." He paused, his thinking still slow despite the morphine gradually wearing off. "It was never about changing people anyways, just getting them to see the truth and accept it. Stop pretending. Be what they are."
Alfred sat there at the foot of the bed like a stone, his head had tilted to the side at some point during this little realization and he didn't try to right it. He had realized Bruce and the Joker had fought of course, but he had assumed that it was all part of the game. Moreso earlier on, when they had thought themselves enemies, then later for the thrill. What he hadn't realized was that Bruce already had overstepped the boundaries of that game. ....and he had been forgiven. "That......" Alfred's jaw had gone slack staring at the man in bed. The Joker knew how to forgive someone. "I had not realized this. I....owe you an apology." Finally the butler closed his mouth and swallowed past the dryness that had formed in his throat. "I believe I have misjudged you."
Joker giggled at the other man, amused by the slack shock on his face. "Doesn't matter. I'm a monster and we both know it. Does this mean you'll come play cards again? Only no dark, serious discussions." He was beginning to feel tired again, but jolts of pain were breaking through the disippating numbness, keeping him alert. "...you said Bat left pills of some sort?"
The butler nodded, and moved to hand them to the Joker so that he wouldn't have to reach across to the table. "I might play again." Never had Alfred thought he would be this comfortable in the madman's presence, and yet still knowing what he was. Was this what it was like to be Bruce? The Joker had said Bruce didn't understand him completely. But perhaps this was close. Alfred was.....reticent to get any closer. However he supposed that was alright.
Struggling with the cap of the bottle, Joker managed to open it, swallowing a few pills before replacing the top. "Just might? You sound like you think I'll cut your fingers off if I lose." He chuckled at the image that surfaced in his mind. "I wouldn't, not with how much Bat cares about you. Not that I understand that at all." Sighing, the slender man relaxed and slid further down beneath the covers, no longer trying to prop himself up to see his visitor. "Send Bat here when he gets back."
He looked relaxed. And that was something unusual to see while Alfred was in the room, but the butler gave a small smile in return. "I shall. And that is good to hear. We've got a deal then." He eased off the bed and stretched, standing up with straight posture once again. He made sure the Joker looked well before he left, leaving the door slightly ajar behind him. All in all, that had gone much better than he expected. He felt like.....he'd learned something new about this man, perhaps even about men he didn't understand in general, and that was something unusual at his age.