Sick. Tired. Full of Spam.

Apr 20, 2004 11:37

Also, I inadvertently flashed my drabble post here instead of mandc100. Sorry. Am stupid. Anyway, only spam, a meeting, and a mailing between me and freedom. Woo!



DISCLAIMERS

Ownership
I do not own a single one of the characters or situations in the Patrick O'Brian spam. They all belong to the aforementioned Patrick O'Brian, and I make no money off of his glory. It is, in fact, my fondest desire to use the spam to the benefit of Mr. O'Brian's estate by causing those previously uninterested in his fascinating work to be compelled to purchase his entire Aubrey/Maturin series, but I will not see a single thin dime of profit. Nor should I take one if offered.

Writing Style
Every spam is written after a single reading of the book and without further reference to either the text or any notes. As such, there may be confusions of character, geography, and situation. You must deal. They are also written in 30 to 45 minutes a piece (really! no foolin'!) without a spell check or edit. There will be grammatical mistakes. Again, you will have to deal.



Master & Commander

Remember how Jack thought he wouldn't have any sailors? Well, Molly Harte and Admiral's Wife really came through for him, and now he's in sailors up to his ears, and that? Is never a bad thing. There's a couple of rough spots, though.

Rough Spot #1 - Stephen knows the first lieutenant, a James Dillon. They were Irish rebels together, but now that their movement is overthrown and they're in grave danger of unpleasant death, each suspects the other of being a rat. No one else on board knows anything about this. Least of all Jack. Which leads us directly into....

Rough Spot #2 - Jack is a diplomatic idiot. He is completely unaware that Stephen and Dillon are Catholic, doesn't care for the Irish, and spends a lot of time talking about how evil the Irish and the Catholics are and telling bigoted jokes. Stephen just lets it slide as ignorance, which it is, but Dillon takes it a bit to heart.

Aside from that, we're off! Jack lets a midshipman named Mowett take Stephen on a tour of the ship, and Mowett expositions the hell out of it.

Exposition!Mowett: Will you allow me to describe the ship?
Exposition!Stephen: Please do! In as much detail as you can summon.
Mowett: Well, there's a jimmyju, a forejimmyju, and the mainjimmyju, though we call the mainjimmyju the boobaroo.
Stephen: Why?
Mowett: Couldn't tell you. Then you have fifty bajillion pieces of rope which all have their very own names, which I shall tell you now! *does*
Stephen: *spaced out* What?
Mowett: And this ship has three widgets, so it's called a whatsits, but most ships have two widgets and are called-
Stephen: Wait, wait, I'm confused.
Mowett: But it's so simple! Let me explain more! *does*
Stephen (and me): *glaze*
Mowett: And those don't come cheap, let me tell you!
Stephen: No, I suppose not. Oo! A bird!

So Mowett describes Sophie in intimate detail for fifteen pages and I go thunk. But then it's time to exercise the guns! Whee! The Sophies are slooooooow at it, and Jack can't really afford a lot of powder. It's sad. But while they're practicing, they see a ship trying to take off one of the convoy they're supposed to be guarding! Eeek! Attack!

The men get their first battle of sorts, and the interloper is run off, but sadly, can't be taken prize because the neutral Norwegian crew are now in control of the ship. Shit. No prize money. Still, the convoy is okay, so when Jack goes to see the Admiral to report his duty, he has nothing to be ashamed of.

And Queeney's there! Who the hell is Queeney!?! She raised Jack and is now married to the Admiral! So the Admiral smiles on Jack and give him leave to cruise.

Jack: Stephen! Guess what!
Stephen: I couldn't possibly.
Jack: We're going to cruise!
Stephen: I take it that's a good thing.
Jack: YES! We get to be pirates! ARRRRR! Only legally, you understand.
Stephen: Arrr?
Jack: No, from the diaphragm, ARRRRRR!

So they're off! And almost immediately hit a storm that throws everyone off course. First they run into a galley and a cat. Um, galleys are rowed and cats are... uh... merchanty? Anyway, Our Boys sink the galley and capture the cat and have a decent spot of prize money already, when they happen to run into another ship off course! However, this one's a plague ship, and Stephen has to be physically restrained from going aboard to help them. Silly compassionate Stephen. They're on their way again when what should they come upon almost immediately but a Dutch ship that looks EXACTLY LIKE the Sophie only with a different paint job. But the British not being at war with the Dutch, they have to let it go. But first Jack takes the Dutch captain aboard for dinner, sends him off with a crate of wine from the French cat they just caught, and Dutchy lets them know of another French ship off a little ways.

Dude! That's a lot of ships! But Our Boys catch up to the new French ship and fire on her. But this ship doesn't want to fight back. Odd. They surrender almost immediately. It quickly becomes clear.

Master Marshall: They're stocked to overflowing with gunpowder, sir.
Jack: GUNPOWDER? Just what we need, and I can't afford! Huzzah!
Marshall: Sir, shall we relieve the ship of some, er, "spoiled" barrels of shot before sending it onto Mahon?
Jack: Of course. Do you think you can find 36 spoiled barrels?
Marshall: I'm sure there will be at least that many.
Jack: Excellent. Tell the men we'll be practicing the guns tomorrow.

There's also a woman having a difficult birth on board the powdership, so Stephen goes with them to port, and Jack and company continue their cruise, expecting to pick up Stephen later. Woo! Prizes! Gunpowder! Babies!

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