(Im)perfection
Title: (Im)perfection
Pairing: Haehyuk
Rating: PG
Genre: AU, Angst (a bit of psychology?), Romance, Slice of life
Length: One-shot, 2,442 words
Summary: “Donghae,” I looked at him. “You know, pretty words are irresponsible.”
Humans are all flawed; their psyche is twisted, heart is scarred and their emotions are contaminated. In other words, they are all ugly.
“Ah - ” The girl gasped and covered her mouth with her trembling little hands. Couldn’t utter a word, she stared at the expensive looking watch that had its parts scattered into pieces on the ground. The classroom door was slid open, and stepped in our homeroom teacher. “I’m sorry.” Close to tears, she couldn’t halt her tremble for a second.
“It’s okay,” The teacher smiled ever so benignly. “Human beings make mistake.” He held up her hands and patted them. “Here, it’s late now, so go back home, okay?” He then ruffled her hair and stood up. It was then my presence had struck him. “There, Hyukjae too, go back home already, alright?”
I remained silent and stared at the girl wiping off her tears. Fear is indeed an amazing tool to trigger one’s emotion. I thought. I packed my books and was preparing to get home but before that I thought I should make a visit to the toilet. On my way, I overheard the conversation between our homeroom teacher and - I had presumed - that girl’s parent, over the phone.
“Yes, and that watch isn’t that cheap, too.”
“I know it’s a little bit too much but,”
“I understood, thank you for being understanding. You can pass me the cheque anytime during school hours; just give me a call when you’ve arrived.”
“Will do, thank you for being so understanding.”
When they say human beings are imperfect, they are imperfect.
Don’t even doubt.
“Teacher, Youngwoon had punched Hyukjae in the face!”
“What just happened?” Our ever so benign homeroom teacher came forward and pulled the gigantic-sized bear away from me. “Youngwoon, why did you hit him?”
“That’s because when I invited him to play with us, he said something horrible in return.”
“What?”
“’You don’t have to go to such extent to fit into everybody. Being in a large group doesn’t imply anything much about popularity so stop trying to stand out.’ Was what he said.”
“Well, isn’t that what he was trying to pull?” I looked away and licked that cut on the edge of my mouth.
“You lil - ” He was trying to get onto me again, but the teacher got him restrained.
“Well, Youngwoon, in any aspect, resorting to violence isn’t right. So you should apologise, right?” There you go, that smile, again. “Hyukjae, too, alright?” He stood up while releasing Youngwoon. “Fighting is an ugly act.”
“Do you even think somebody as equally ugly has a say in this?” I looked up to him, face dead-panned.
After that, my elementary school days were spent in a special room with counseling sessions every day.
-
The first spring of my middle school life, the first day, was awakened by the moans of my mother from the next room.
How many men has it been? God knows.
I’d always wondered was everything we’d done defeated the purpose of a dining table, because it looked brand new and nobody in this house had ever really used it. Or how should I put it, this probably wasn’t a house anymore.
Cueing the mother who wakes up every morning to prepare breakfast, cueing the breakfast that’s prepared deliciously on the dining table, cueing the father who is dressed in a suit, reading the newspaper, cueing the son who happens to wake up slightly later because he was anxious about the opening ceremony and whatnot, and at the end of the day they were all non-existent.
As cliché as they sound, actually, a normal life could be just what most of the human beings have ever yearned for - or maybe, at least, me. That’s why as on par as human beings, life is just as imperfect.
I took a deep breath when I’d stepped outside. They said that spring is pink, but everything is monochrome in my eyes. What a boring life, I thought, in such an ugly world.
The orientation talk had always been a waste of time. The principal recited his well-written script insincerely, the teachers who sat in the front were giving off a restless aura and the worst victims of all, the students had to absorb everything that was given out by them. At least the teachers got to sit, we, the poor-lowly souls had to stand and listen to that insincere speech and face the uninterested teachers’ aura.
Okay, I’d decided to scratch that. The students didn’t really give a damn, too.
We got to choose our seats when we got back to our class. I chose the back window seat and inconspicuously sat down and gazed what was pictured outside.
“Hey, hey, that’s him. Lee Hyukjae, right? The one who scored a perfect score in the entrance exams.”
“Oh, I heard, I heard. Gosh, perfect score, like seriously?”
I know how scarily flawed human beings could get, that’s why I try to be as close to perfection.
“Donghae, how much did you get for the entrance exams?”
“Uh me? Nothing to be proud of, really.”
“Seriously, you must have screwed it really badly.”
“To be honest, I coming here don’t really do this school justice.” I turned my head and our eyes met. He was scratching his head, with a little embarrassment written over his face.
-
After school, the two only Lee’s in the class were appointed to stay back for some class duty.
“Hey, do you know me? We sit next to each other.” He approached me when I was cleaning the blackboard. “I’m Lee Donghae, we share the same surname, huh?”
“Yeah. Lee Hyukjae.” I placed the duster on the panel and walked toward my desk.
“Hey, hey, do you want to hang out somewhere after this? Do you have a curfew?”
“No, for both.” I picked up my bag and bowed slightly to him before leaving. He pulled the strap of my bag and I turned my head back.
“Aww, let’s go and grab some bite.” He picked up his bag and pulled me along by my bag strap. The next moment that I’d realised, I was sitting opposite of him in a fast food restaurant.
“You don’t have to be close to me. You’ll get zero benefits in return.” He took a huge bite on his burger in oblivion. He then looked up and smiled, some ketchup was caught up on the side of his lips. “Are you listening?”
“Yeah.” He took another relatively huge bite. “But your mind is kind of twisted, huh?” He tried to pronounce every word clearly with the food in his mouth. “Friendship needs no benefits.”
“Such words come out pretty lightly, huh? I can see a more twisted mind before me.” I poked the straw into my cup of cola.
“Hyukjae,” He drew his face close to mine before I could put the straw into my mouth. “Have you been growing up being cheated?”
“Not really.” I blinked.
“You’re thinking too much.” He flicked my forehead and laughed while dropping his butt back to his seat. “You’re interesting,” He swallowed. “I think I like you.”
-
When I’d arrived by my doorsteps, my mother was sending some guy off, I’d just got passed them and headed to my room straight. I threw myself onto my bed, right arm resting on my forehead, I sighed.
“This life is so fucking boring.”
-
During summer, we had a field trip. It was somewhere near the beach and we stayed in some pretty refined resort. The fees weren’t cheap, though. Well, pretty much to expect from a rich school, I had a scholarship, so nobody’s hurt, safe and sound.
“Hey, Hyukkie!” I wondered when, did he start to call me that. “It’s the beach, the beach!”
“Yeah, I have eyes.”
“It’s really cool. Man, I feel like swimming already.” He tried to keep the conversation up when silence was introduced. “Hyukkie, do you not feel happy?”
“Not really.” I cupped my chin and continued to check out the scenery outside. “Well, the world can be pretty beautiful, too.”
“I know right!” He smiled and smacked me in the chest. “Hyukkie, let’s put some fireworks tonight.”
“Do whatever you want.”
-
“Ama- zing!” Donghae gaped like a child who had never seen firecrackers before. “Hyukkie, look, it’s green in colour!”
“Yeah, I have eyes.”
“Awww man, how do people invent such pretty things?”
“You’re exaggerating.”
After all the fireworks were put out, we sat by the sea and watched the waves charged and retreated.
“Life is short,” Donghae killed the silence. “That’s why we have to quickly learn, quickly study, quickly get involved in everything, quickly complete life missions, quickly make friends and quickly fall in love.” Donghae paused. “Life is so short that it seemed scary. Because you won’t ever know when you’ll die and in that aspect, it’s true that everyone dies. It’s a common sense so it doesn’t matter. What matters the most is what have you done before you die, what have you encountered before you die, who did you love, who was precious to you, did you make enough memories before you die? If you look it in a perspective, it’s like a competition.”
“Hmm…”
“You compete with death.”
“Is death that scary?”
“I don’t know. I have never tried before.”
I turned my head to him and our eyes met. I grabbed his hand that was pressing on the sand.
“Do you want to try it, now?”
The sound of the waves tickled our eardrums ever so loudly, so piercingly clear.
-
After summer vacations everything turned back to normal - or everything had always been normal.
“Hyukjae, do you have anything to do after school today?” The teacher called up to me while I was about to leave before that noisy, clingy monkey came back from the gents.
“Nothing in particular.” I replied.
“Can you help me with some light jobs?”
“Sure.”
“Oh teacher, I’ll help too!” A new party joined in.
Oh crap.
-
“You don’t really have to stay back.”
“It’s okay, we are always staying back to do odd jobs anyway.”
“It’s because we share the same surname. Everybody just picks the easiest way out.”
“True, but I don’t particularly hate it.” He smiled. “At least I have a reason to stay with you.”
“Donghae,” I looked at him. “You know, pretty words are irresponsible.”
He remained silent; eyes were still locked on me.
“Donghae?”
“T-that’s…” Donghae stuttered. “That’s the first time in months that you’ve called my name.”
“Uh…” Close to sobbing, he covered his mouth with his hand, a little exaggerating, though.
“Hyukkie,” He raised his volume up a little. “I really do like you!” He jumped on to me and we fell on the ground. I didn’t particularly hate it, so I remained cool about it.
-
When finals were drawing near, Donghae invited himself over to my apartment for a studying session.
“Ah, I’m getting excited!” He chirped, when we were on our way to my house.
“There’s nothing interesting, though.”
“What do you mean?! I’m aiming for your elementary school yearbooks!”
“I have none. Even if I do, there will be no pictures of me anyway. By the way, isn’t your aim to study?”
“What do you mean?”
“I’d been secluded from my class since year three and had countless of counseling sessions. During other times, I’d be studying. I didn’t have time for these random shits.”
Donghae couldn’t find a word to utter. It was as if that he was searching for at least a word from his brain but the words he chose got rejected by his tongue and had being sent back to the brain. For the rest of the journey, we remained silent. Everything was quiet until an ambulance was spotted outside my house.
-
Donghae was sitting with me outside the Intensive Care Unit. He wanted to comfort a worried person but I wasn’t looking worried. He wanted to calm an anxious person but I was completely composed. He wanted to share the sorrow of a depressed person but I was still the normal me. He could have thought that he was useless.
The doctor came out and when my mother’s condition was asked, he shook his head. My mother, she died of HIV.
How humiliating, to die from something that she’d always enjoyed the most. How funny, that something that had completely won her over me got her into this state. How tragic, that I have such a life. Everything remained ugly, nothing had changed. Nothing.
I got myself weak-kneed and laughed.
“Serves her right.” I laughed.
“Serves her right.” I repeated.
“Serves her - ” Why was there a lump on my throat? Why was it preventing me from talking? Why, I should be laughing but, why am I crying?
Oh well, maybe I shouldn’t let Donghae feel useless, after all.
When Donghae sent me home, I made a request for him to stay.
“Even if you refused, I would, anyway.” He smacked my upper arm and ruffled my hair. “I’ll get you some water.” I grabbed his arm before he could leave.
“It’s okay,” I looked down. “Just stay by my side.”
Ah, this is getting ugly.
“Okay.” Donghae sat beside me on my bed. “Ah, and we were supposed to study too.”
“Right.”
“But, death really does come unexpectedly, huh…”
I remained silent.
“Sorry,” Donghae muttered. “I shouldn’t.”
“It’s okay,” I leant my head against his back. “It’s okay. Because pretty words are irresponsible, you don’t have to apologise. You’ve said nothing wrong.”
“Hyukkie,” He squeezed my hand and pulled me towards his embrace. “It’s okay if you show some weak sides of yourself sometimes. It’s okay to fail sometimes. It’s okay to look bad sometimes. It’s okay to be flawed. It’s okay to be imperfect. You don’t have to push yourself, really. Human beings aren’t born perfect. And there are no limits to perfect anyway. The definition of perfect is determined by how a person values it. It’s okay to rely, it’s okay to cry, and it’s okay to be hurt. Everything is just natural, normal. Everybody goes through it.”
“Donghae,” I howled. “I’ve always, always, wanted to live a normal life. I wanted to be happy too, I want to be happy.”
“Hyukjae, you’ll be happy.” He patted my back and I snugged closer. “And pretty words aren’t always irresponsible.” Maybe it was the effects of the tears; I could see the world in a whole different range of colours now.
Life is short, so we have to quickly, quickly, make beautiful memories.
A/n: omg hi
Pairing: Haehyuk
Rating: PG
Genre: AU, Angst (a bit of psychology?), Romance, Slice of life
Length: One-shot, 2,442 words
Summary: “Donghae,” I looked at him. “You know, pretty words are irresponsible.”
Humans are all flawed; their psyche is twisted, heart is scarred and their emotions are contaminated. In other words, they are all ugly.
“Ah - ” The girl gasped and covered her mouth with her trembling little hands. Couldn’t utter a word, she stared at the expensive looking watch that had its parts scattered into pieces on the ground. The classroom door was slid open, and stepped in our homeroom teacher. “I’m sorry.” Close to tears, she couldn’t halt her tremble for a second.
“It’s okay,” The teacher smiled ever so benignly. “Human beings make mistake.” He held up her hands and patted them. “Here, it’s late now, so go back home, okay?” He then ruffled her hair and stood up. It was then my presence had struck him. “There, Hyukjae too, go back home already, alright?”
I remained silent and stared at the girl wiping off her tears. Fear is indeed an amazing tool to trigger one’s emotion. I thought. I packed my books and was preparing to get home but before that I thought I should make a visit to the toilet. On my way, I overheard the conversation between our homeroom teacher and - I had presumed - that girl’s parent, over the phone.
“Yes, and that watch isn’t that cheap, too.”
“I know it’s a little bit too much but,”
“I understood, thank you for being understanding. You can pass me the cheque anytime during school hours; just give me a call when you’ve arrived.”
“Will do, thank you for being so understanding.”
When they say human beings are imperfect, they are imperfect.
Don’t even doubt.
“Teacher, Youngwoon had punched Hyukjae in the face!”
“What just happened?” Our ever so benign homeroom teacher came forward and pulled the gigantic-sized bear away from me. “Youngwoon, why did you hit him?”
“That’s because when I invited him to play with us, he said something horrible in return.”
“What?”
“’You don’t have to go to such extent to fit into everybody. Being in a large group doesn’t imply anything much about popularity so stop trying to stand out.’ Was what he said.”
“Well, isn’t that what he was trying to pull?” I looked away and licked that cut on the edge of my mouth.
“You lil - ” He was trying to get onto me again, but the teacher got him restrained.
“Well, Youngwoon, in any aspect, resorting to violence isn’t right. So you should apologise, right?” There you go, that smile, again. “Hyukjae, too, alright?” He stood up while releasing Youngwoon. “Fighting is an ugly act.”
“Do you even think somebody as equally ugly has a say in this?” I looked up to him, face dead-panned.
After that, my elementary school days were spent in a special room with counseling sessions every day.
-
The first spring of my middle school life, the first day, was awakened by the moans of my mother from the next room.
How many men has it been? God knows.
I’d always wondered was everything we’d done defeated the purpose of a dining table, because it looked brand new and nobody in this house had ever really used it. Or how should I put it, this probably wasn’t a house anymore.
Cueing the mother who wakes up every morning to prepare breakfast, cueing the breakfast that’s prepared deliciously on the dining table, cueing the father who is dressed in a suit, reading the newspaper, cueing the son who happens to wake up slightly later because he was anxious about the opening ceremony and whatnot, and at the end of the day they were all non-existent.
As cliché as they sound, actually, a normal life could be just what most of the human beings have ever yearned for - or maybe, at least, me. That’s why as on par as human beings, life is just as imperfect.
I took a deep breath when I’d stepped outside. They said that spring is pink, but everything is monochrome in my eyes. What a boring life, I thought, in such an ugly world.
The orientation talk had always been a waste of time. The principal recited his well-written script insincerely, the teachers who sat in the front were giving off a restless aura and the worst victims of all, the students had to absorb everything that was given out by them. At least the teachers got to sit, we, the poor-lowly souls had to stand and listen to that insincere speech and face the uninterested teachers’ aura.
Okay, I’d decided to scratch that. The students didn’t really give a damn, too.
We got to choose our seats when we got back to our class. I chose the back window seat and inconspicuously sat down and gazed what was pictured outside.
“Hey, hey, that’s him. Lee Hyukjae, right? The one who scored a perfect score in the entrance exams.”
“Oh, I heard, I heard. Gosh, perfect score, like seriously?”
I know how scarily flawed human beings could get, that’s why I try to be as close to perfection.
“Donghae, how much did you get for the entrance exams?”
“Uh me? Nothing to be proud of, really.”
“Seriously, you must have screwed it really badly.”
“To be honest, I coming here don’t really do this school justice.” I turned my head and our eyes met. He was scratching his head, with a little embarrassment written over his face.
-
After school, the two only Lee’s in the class were appointed to stay back for some class duty.
“Hey, do you know me? We sit next to each other.” He approached me when I was cleaning the blackboard. “I’m Lee Donghae, we share the same surname, huh?”
“Yeah. Lee Hyukjae.” I placed the duster on the panel and walked toward my desk.
“Hey, hey, do you want to hang out somewhere after this? Do you have a curfew?”
“No, for both.” I picked up my bag and bowed slightly to him before leaving. He pulled the strap of my bag and I turned my head back.
“Aww, let’s go and grab some bite.” He picked up his bag and pulled me along by my bag strap. The next moment that I’d realised, I was sitting opposite of him in a fast food restaurant.
“You don’t have to be close to me. You’ll get zero benefits in return.” He took a huge bite on his burger in oblivion. He then looked up and smiled, some ketchup was caught up on the side of his lips. “Are you listening?”
“Yeah.” He took another relatively huge bite. “But your mind is kind of twisted, huh?” He tried to pronounce every word clearly with the food in his mouth. “Friendship needs no benefits.”
“Such words come out pretty lightly, huh? I can see a more twisted mind before me.” I poked the straw into my cup of cola.
“Hyukjae,” He drew his face close to mine before I could put the straw into my mouth. “Have you been growing up being cheated?”
“Not really.” I blinked.
“You’re thinking too much.” He flicked my forehead and laughed while dropping his butt back to his seat. “You’re interesting,” He swallowed. “I think I like you.”
-
When I’d arrived by my doorsteps, my mother was sending some guy off, I’d just got passed them and headed to my room straight. I threw myself onto my bed, right arm resting on my forehead, I sighed.
“This life is so fucking boring.”
-
During summer, we had a field trip. It was somewhere near the beach and we stayed in some pretty refined resort. The fees weren’t cheap, though. Well, pretty much to expect from a rich school, I had a scholarship, so nobody’s hurt, safe and sound.
“Hey, Hyukkie!” I wondered when, did he start to call me that. “It’s the beach, the beach!”
“Yeah, I have eyes.”
“It’s really cool. Man, I feel like swimming already.” He tried to keep the conversation up when silence was introduced. “Hyukkie, do you not feel happy?”
“Not really.” I cupped my chin and continued to check out the scenery outside. “Well, the world can be pretty beautiful, too.”
“I know right!” He smiled and smacked me in the chest. “Hyukkie, let’s put some fireworks tonight.”
“Do whatever you want.”
-
“Ama- zing!” Donghae gaped like a child who had never seen firecrackers before. “Hyukkie, look, it’s green in colour!”
“Yeah, I have eyes.”
“Awww man, how do people invent such pretty things?”
“You’re exaggerating.”
After all the fireworks were put out, we sat by the sea and watched the waves charged and retreated.
“Life is short,” Donghae killed the silence. “That’s why we have to quickly learn, quickly study, quickly get involved in everything, quickly complete life missions, quickly make friends and quickly fall in love.” Donghae paused. “Life is so short that it seemed scary. Because you won’t ever know when you’ll die and in that aspect, it’s true that everyone dies. It’s a common sense so it doesn’t matter. What matters the most is what have you done before you die, what have you encountered before you die, who did you love, who was precious to you, did you make enough memories before you die? If you look it in a perspective, it’s like a competition.”
“Hmm…”
“You compete with death.”
“Is death that scary?”
“I don’t know. I have never tried before.”
I turned my head to him and our eyes met. I grabbed his hand that was pressing on the sand.
“Do you want to try it, now?”
The sound of the waves tickled our eardrums ever so loudly, so piercingly clear.
-
After summer vacations everything turned back to normal - or everything had always been normal.
“Hyukjae, do you have anything to do after school today?” The teacher called up to me while I was about to leave before that noisy, clingy monkey came back from the gents.
“Nothing in particular.” I replied.
“Can you help me with some light jobs?”
“Sure.”
“Oh teacher, I’ll help too!” A new party joined in.
Oh crap.
-
“You don’t really have to stay back.”
“It’s okay, we are always staying back to do odd jobs anyway.”
“It’s because we share the same surname. Everybody just picks the easiest way out.”
“True, but I don’t particularly hate it.” He smiled. “At least I have a reason to stay with you.”
“Donghae,” I looked at him. “You know, pretty words are irresponsible.”
He remained silent; eyes were still locked on me.
“Donghae?”
“T-that’s…” Donghae stuttered. “That’s the first time in months that you’ve called my name.”
“Uh…” Close to sobbing, he covered his mouth with his hand, a little exaggerating, though.
“Hyukkie,” He raised his volume up a little. “I really do like you!” He jumped on to me and we fell on the ground. I didn’t particularly hate it, so I remained cool about it.
-
When finals were drawing near, Donghae invited himself over to my apartment for a studying session.
“Ah, I’m getting excited!” He chirped, when we were on our way to my house.
“There’s nothing interesting, though.”
“What do you mean?! I’m aiming for your elementary school yearbooks!”
“I have none. Even if I do, there will be no pictures of me anyway. By the way, isn’t your aim to study?”
“What do you mean?”
“I’d been secluded from my class since year three and had countless of counseling sessions. During other times, I’d be studying. I didn’t have time for these random shits.”
Donghae couldn’t find a word to utter. It was as if that he was searching for at least a word from his brain but the words he chose got rejected by his tongue and had being sent back to the brain. For the rest of the journey, we remained silent. Everything was quiet until an ambulance was spotted outside my house.
-
Donghae was sitting with me outside the Intensive Care Unit. He wanted to comfort a worried person but I wasn’t looking worried. He wanted to calm an anxious person but I was completely composed. He wanted to share the sorrow of a depressed person but I was still the normal me. He could have thought that he was useless.
The doctor came out and when my mother’s condition was asked, he shook his head. My mother, she died of HIV.
How humiliating, to die from something that she’d always enjoyed the most. How funny, that something that had completely won her over me got her into this state. How tragic, that I have such a life. Everything remained ugly, nothing had changed. Nothing.
I got myself weak-kneed and laughed.
“Serves her right.” I laughed.
“Serves her right.” I repeated.
“Serves her - ” Why was there a lump on my throat? Why was it preventing me from talking? Why, I should be laughing but, why am I crying?
Oh well, maybe I shouldn’t let Donghae feel useless, after all.
When Donghae sent me home, I made a request for him to stay.
“Even if you refused, I would, anyway.” He smacked my upper arm and ruffled my hair. “I’ll get you some water.” I grabbed his arm before he could leave.
“It’s okay,” I looked down. “Just stay by my side.”
Ah, this is getting ugly.
“Okay.” Donghae sat beside me on my bed. “Ah, and we were supposed to study too.”
“Right.”
“But, death really does come unexpectedly, huh…”
I remained silent.
“Sorry,” Donghae muttered. “I shouldn’t.”
“It’s okay,” I leant my head against his back. “It’s okay. Because pretty words are irresponsible, you don’t have to apologise. You’ve said nothing wrong.”
“Hyukkie,” He squeezed my hand and pulled me towards his embrace. “It’s okay if you show some weak sides of yourself sometimes. It’s okay to fail sometimes. It’s okay to look bad sometimes. It’s okay to be flawed. It’s okay to be imperfect. You don’t have to push yourself, really. Human beings aren’t born perfect. And there are no limits to perfect anyway. The definition of perfect is determined by how a person values it. It’s okay to rely, it’s okay to cry, and it’s okay to be hurt. Everything is just natural, normal. Everybody goes through it.”
“Donghae,” I howled. “I’ve always, always, wanted to live a normal life. I wanted to be happy too, I want to be happy.”
“Hyukjae, you’ll be happy.” He patted my back and I snugged closer. “And pretty words aren’t always irresponsible.” Maybe it was the effects of the tears; I could see the world in a whole different range of colours now.
Life is short, so we have to quickly, quickly, make beautiful memories.
A/n: omg hi