Supernatural: It's a Clusterfuck [6x15 Verse RPF]
Title: It’s a Clusterfuck
Fandom: Supernatural (+ 6x15!verse Jared and Jensen)
Characters/Pairings: Sam/Dean/Jared/Jensen, ultimately Sam/Dean and Jared/Jensen
Rating: NC-17 for Explicit Sexual Content, Crack, and Language
Word Count: 4,088
Author’s Note: Written for j2_fpsfest prompt #12: “After the showdown with Raphael, the boys suddenly realize that something isn't quite right - only one of them got zapped back to the right universe, and the other is still an actor. Back in Hollywoodland, they are realizing the same thing. How do they find their way back to their real worlds, and each other? And how do they all deal with their mismatched counterparts? No preference as to who is where, but I think Sam and Jensen in Hollywoodland and Dean and Jared in Monsterland could be funny. But go with what feels right to you! Slash between any of the guys is appreciated.” Poor prompting person probably did not mean that last part as literally as I am taking it, but whatever. Foursome was the only answer, clearly. This is unbeta'd. Also: fuck you, this title is poetry.
Summary: “You’re not my brother,” Dean says, unaware that in another world, at the same moment, his aforementioned brother is sitting up, rubbing a sore back, and saying the same exact thing.
“No,” the man (it must be Jared, Dean thinks) replies. “You’re not my catty co-star, are you?”
Dean shakes his head and reminds himself that even the longest of Winchester days can always somehow get longer.
_______________________________________________________________
“You’re not my brother,” Dean says, unaware that in another world, at the same moment, his aforementioned brother is sitting up, rubbing a sore back, and saying the same exact thing.
“No,” the man (it must be Jared, Dean thinks) replies. “You’re not my catty co-star, are you?”
Dean shakes his head and reminds himself that even the longest of Winchester days can always somehow get longer.
_______________________________________________________________
“Obviously I’m not your brother, moron,” Jensen replies.
Jared stares back unresponsive, his eyes wide and his big mouth hanging open stupidly. Half of his body landed on Jensen’s, and he weighs about three tons.
“Get off me, Padalecki,” Jensen tells him.
“PadaWHAT?” Jared shouts, as if he’s never heard his own name before.
“I said, ‘get off me, Padalecki,’” Jensen repeats, shoving at the heavy limbs.
Jared takes the hint and pulls them away from Jensen, but is still looking at him with his mouth gaping. “No, I heard you. Why are you still calling me that, Dean?”
“Why are you calling me that at all, Jared?”
Jared lies back on the ground. “My name isn’t Jared. It’s Sam,” he says, words muffled by an arm he’s draped over his face. “And I hate my life.”
Jensen blinks a few times. “Fuck,” he finally says.
“I’ll say.”
“I hate your life, too,” Jensen replies, sinking down to the floor next to the other man.
They both sigh at the same time.
_______________________________________________________________
"What do you mean, 'he used it all up?'" Dean snaps.
Bobby rolls his eyes. "Exactly what it sounds like, princess. This isn't Walmart. Your angel buddy grabbed everything and threw it in the bowl without stopping to measure. My stores are out."
"But Sam," says Dean.
Bobby throws his hands in the air. "I don't know what to tell ya, boy. You two better start driving."
"No," Dean says. "No fucking way. The nearest of those ingredients are in Mexico. I am not leaving Sam in some weird alternate dimension that long."
"Well, I don't know why you're lookin' at me," Bobby says.
Dean turns to glare at the sasquatch in the corner, and he looks around, like he doesn't even know how he got involved in the fight. "What'd I do?" Jared asks.
"I don't know," Dean answers. "But you're not helping."
"I don't know how to help!"
"Cas," Dean says. "This was his stupid plan. He'd better be able to fix it."
Bobby shakes his head. "If you can get a hol-"
"Tomorrow," says Castiel.
Jared lets out a terrified sound when he realizes the angel is suddenly standing beside him. "Holy shit, how did he-?"
"Fucking actors," Dean gripes. "Morons."
"I will worry about your brother tomorrow."
"Today," Dean replies. "I'm thinking you'll worry about him right now."
Castiel shakes his head curtly. "I am hiding the weapons, Dean. It is more important."
"More important than-? Son of a bitch!"
"Holy shit!" Jared gasps. "He disappeared. I was staring right at him and he was there and now he's not."
"Yeah, it's getting him to stay that's a hassle," Bobby says.
"So what now?" Dean asks.
Bobby shrugs. "It looks like we wait until tomorrow."
"But Sam," Dean protests one last time.
"Dean, I'm pretty sure your brother can handle himself for a day in a world without anything scary."
Dean narrows his eyes at Bobby, because he's missing the point-not to mention right, which is even worse. He sighs. "What do we do with Norma Desmond?" Dean asks, cocking his head at Jared.
"Beats me," Bobby says. "Get him outta my house, though. Him and that Jensen have been drivin' me nuts. Bad enough to make me miss you two knuckleheads."
"You want me to babysit him?"
Bobby smiles. "Yup," he says. "And I don't wanna see either of you until tomorrow."
_______________________________________________________________
"Dude, this is ridiculous," Jensen says, staring at the footage looping on the screens. "You two look seriously disturbed."
Sam's face contorts, and Jensen nearly laughs out loud. He's honest-to-God making the bitchface Jared worked so long to perfect, like it comes naturally. "We're not actors!" Sam snaps.
"It's really not that hard, dude." Jensen points to one of the cuts of Sam trying to deliver a monologue. "Weren't you in a play in high school?" Jensen asks. "I swear I had a line about that once."
"Our Town," Sam replies.
"Jesus, was it this bad?"
"Dean said I was great," says Sam. Jensen raises an eyebrow, and Sam huffs out a laugh. "Which I guess means it was."
"That poor audience."
"Fuck off," Sam tells him.
"We oughta figure out how to get you home before you subject any more innocent people to your acting."
Sam sighs. "It's hopeless. There's no magic here. We'll have to wait for Dean to figure something out."
"You okay with that damsel in distress thing?"
He shrugs. "Hasn't failed me yet," he says, smiling fondly. "Anyway, no one's acting around here anytime soon."
"Huh?"
"Oh, right. You don't know." Sam makes the puppy dog face for a moment and looks away. "It's not my business to tell you, but let's just say…your show is almost definitely getting canceled because there was a massacre on set today."
Jensen stares. "Mind running that by me without talking a mile a minute, Sammy?"
"Whoa," Sam says, jumping slightly. "Really don't call me that, it's just weird."
Jensen blinks back at him unimpressed.
"The angel Raphael sent after us kind of came here and shot a bunch of people."
"Kind of," Jensen clucks his tongue inside his mouth, "Super."
"At least you won't have to work with Jared anymore?" Sam tries.
Jensen does his best to smile. "At least there's that."
_______________________________________________________________
"He's probably happier," Jared says after about twenty minutes of silence in the car.
Dean's instinct is to turn the music up, but instead he tightens his fingers on the steering wheel. "What do you mean?" he asks, trying to put a little threat in his voice.
"Sam," Jared clarifies. "You shouldn't switch our places tomorrow. Not if you really want him happy."
"Oh, yeah?"
"Yeah."
Dean had been trying not to think the same thing, but he shakes his head anyway. "That's bullshit."
"Come on, I've spent the last six years studying this guy, working to get in his head. He hates this life."
"What do you care?"
"I don’t want to go back," Jared says. "I hate my life."
"And I should leave my brother in it because…?"
"Because he won't hate it. Dean, you know it's everything he ever wanted. Nice house, a wife. Safe. No demons to tempt him, no angels to play with him, no nothing. You wouldn't have to worry about him if you leave him there."
"Why don't you go back to being quiet?"
Jared sits back. "I know it's hard to hear, but you're just being selfish if you bring him here."
"You want to live in this world? With the demons and the ghosts and the no-star motels?"
"I could hunt," Jared insists. "Dean, I could be really great. Actually do something useful with my life. Help people. Not have to put up with my crazy wife. Sam will just be happy to have one, you guys can't be picky, you know?" His voice goes quiet. "And Sam won't care that Jensen hates him."
"You can't hunt, okay? You can't even wipe your own ass."
"I know how to fight, Dean. I know how to kill most of the things you've faced in the last seven years. Sure, it's not field experience, but I can get that. You have to admit, this is a solid foundation."
Dean pulls into a parking lot and puts the Impala in park. "You're going back tomorrow, that’s not a question."
"I'll even let you boss me around. I can play baby brother!"
Dean thinks of Sam before he got his soul back, of that freaky thing trying to be Sam. "You try, I'll kill you."
"Okay! Touchy subject."
Dean gets out of the car and pulls his duffel out of the trunk. Jared keeps talking to him, trying to convince him not to call on Castiel again, until they reach the counter. Dean checks them in to the motel and makes his way to the room trying not to hear what the other man is saying.
"I guess you're not as good a brother as I thought," Jared finally says.
Dean rounds on him. "You don't know anything about my brother, okay?" Jared begins to laugh, and Dean shoves him. "My brother is the one who wanted to come back here. He said…he told me he'd rather be…"
Dean looks away. Sam had said he'd rather be brothers, and that was one of the best things Dean had heard in years. And he can't not believe it, because there's no way-even if Jared is right and it makes him a bad person-there's no way he's giving Sam up just when he's finally got him back.
"I bet he doesn't have a wall to scratch over there," Jared says, and it's obvious he saved his best card for last. "No Hell, no wall. No wall, no wall breaking."
It's enough. Dean is about to give in, call the whole thing off. But he imagines what will happen if Sam did take the wall with him. If it breaks and Sam has no one but a bitchy actor, a crazy wife, and an alpaca to help him through it.
"I'm getting my brother back."
Jared sinks down on his bed and nods. "Yeah, okay." He lays a hand on the mattress and keeps his attention fixed on it, away from Dean. "I'm sorry I tried to talk you out of it."
He seems so put out that Dean actually feels kind of sorry. "Look, man, I'm sorry you hate your life, but you can change it."
"You guys can change it," Jared says, looking up at him. "You guys can do anything, right? For each other?" He laughs humorlessly. "In my world, you make one stupid mistake and you lose…"
Jared's expression shifts, like he's only just thought of something really brilliant, and then he smiles darkly. Dean realizes what he's thinking about right away, and his blood runs hot. It's almost like Sam watching him, almost his brother. But not. It won't ruin anything if Dean crawls onto the bed with this guy, and Jared puts on an inviting smile, an expression Dean has only ever imagined his brother wearing.
"How do you feel about getting laid tonight, Jared?" Dean asks.
The smile widens. "You were always my favorite character," he says.
Jared fucks him three times, and never once calls him out for saying Sam's name. In exchange, Dean doesn't mind being Jensen for a night.
_______________________________________________________________
"You can't make me go back there," Sam says. "That woman terrifies me."
Jensen snorts. "Yeah," he says. "Me, too."
"What kind of douche is this Jared guy, anyway?"
"He's not so bad," says Jensen.
Sam gives him a pointed look. "He has paintings of himself on his walls."
Jensen shrugs. "Wasn't always like that," he replies after a long time. "He used to be kind of awesome, before Genevieve."
"I thought you guys hated each other," Sam says.
"We do now. Or he hates me." Jensen plays with his seatbelt. "We used to be best friends."
"What happened?"
"I dunno," Jensen says. "I can't blame it all on Genevieve. I think he was only so desperate to marry her because I…" Jensen doesn't know why he's telling Sam any of this, so he rethinks his confession. "I told him something, and it spooked him, I guess."
"Wow." Sam laughs, and Jensen grimaces. "You guys are idiots."
"Why?"
"Dude, it's so obvious it's sad. Why don't you just deal with the sexual tension?"
"What? I'm not-Jared and I never-"
"That's the whole problem. Man, come on. At least Dean and I have an excuse, we're brothers. And at least we can talk to each other."
"What do you know about it?" Jensen asks, crossing his arms over his chest. He's not just going to sit here and have his major life issues laughed at by some guy who's in love with his brother.
"It should be easy, is all I'm saying," Sam replies. "For you guys. It should be, like, ridiculously easy."
"So you really do, I mean, I always kind of thought you guys were suspicious."
Sam licks his lips. "Not Dean," Sam says. "That's all my problem."
Jensen leans across the car seat then, kisses Sam slowly. Sam kisses back for a little while, until Jensen pulls away and whispers into his ear. "We can both vent our problems tonight."
Sam lets out a shaky breath, Jensen can see him thinking it over, but he pushes him away. "You're not him," Sam says. "It's not gonna do me any good to pretend."
_______________________________________________________________
Sam sees the window glowing at around noon and doesn't think before hurtling himself through it. It works. He jumps from Jensen's apartment on the seventh story of a building and mercifully lands outside of Bobby's house.
"That'd better be the last goddamn time," Bobby says as Sam stands and shakes glass off. "I'm running outta windows for you morons to break."
Sam laughs deeply. "Man it's good to hear you, Bobby."
"Sammy?"
Sam turns to find Dean watching him with wary eyes. "Dean, man, could you have taken any longer?"
"You're not upset you're back?" he asks.
"Idiot," Sam replies, bumping his brother's shoulder.
"Jesus fuck," they hear someone say. "Ah, there's glass everywhere."
"It was a real window, you dick," Dean says.
Sam turns to see Jensen rolling on the floor, clutching his leg. "Oh, don't tell me."
"They're leaving tomorrow," Dean says, as if he's been having this fight all morning. "Cas is a fucking idiot and takes four tries to fix his messes."
"Bobby really is gonna run out of windows."
"Out!" Bobby yells.
Dean grabs Sam by the arm and grudgingly remembers to turn back for Jensen. "I hadn't told him about the extra window just yet," Dean explains as they run for the car. "I was working him up to it."
"I see that went well," says Sam.
"Blow me, Sammy," Dean replies.
They stop at a motel about half an hour from Bobby's.
"Jared's already here," Dean tells Jensen. "We'll need another room."
"Dibbs on you," Jensen says to Dean.
"What?" Sam laughs. "Obviously you and Jared are gonna-"
"Actually," Dean says. "I was thinking me and Jared could bunk up again, since we're already settled in our room."
Sam's eyebrows draw and he looks Dean over. Dean doesn't meet his eyes, and it's obvious there's more to it. "How is Jared?" he asks.
"Not as bad as you'd think, actually." Dean licks his lips. "We've been getting on pretty well."
"How nice for you," Sam replies sourly. "Where's this room?"
"Shouldn't we check-in first?"
"No," Sam says. "I'd really like to meet Jared."
"Dude, who cares about Jared?" Dean asks.
"You do, apparently." Sam shuts up then, realizing he's coming off like the world's craziest jealous girlfriend.
Dean takes them to the room he and Jared shared the night before, and the first thing Jared does is make a frustrated sound. "Oh God, you brought him?"
"Can't imagine what you expected me to do with him?" Dean replies.
"Wasn't there gonna be another room?" Jared asks. "In Vancouver, we don't have to be in the same room unless we're working."
"Yeah, well, this isn't Vancouver and you're not Madonna," Jensen chimes in.
Sam has to fight the urge to smack his palm right into his forehead. It's obvious from Jared's response that he's just as fucked up over this as Jensen is, so Sam places a hand on each of Jensen's shoulders from behind and steers him towards Jared.
"Jared, your friend Jensen has something he wants to say to you. Jensen? The floor is yours."
"He's not my fri-" Jared begins, but Jensen does them all a favor by shutting him up, muffles Jared's words with his mouth.
Jared stops him right away, but his hand tangles in the fabric of Jensen's shirt. "Jensen, what are you doing?"
Jensen tries to break away. "Sam thought you might...I told him you don't but he wouldn't list-"
"Wow," Dean says, moving to stand next to Sam. "Look at them go."
Sam does. It hits low in his belly, both good and bad in the way it spreads through him. They look like a million dreams Sam has had, when he was the one kissing Dean, and, as hot as it is, it hurts that someone else gets it without the stupid incest catch attached.
"Should we go see about getting a room?" Sam asks.
Dean's eyes don't leave the men kissing on the bed, and he looks disappointed when he turns to Sam. "Yeah, I guess we should."
"Wait," Jared calls.
Sam and Dean pause and turn back to him. He's pushing Jensen off him and standing up, moving towards them. "You did me a favor, Sam," he says, looking Sam in the eye. "I'm gonna do you one."
He grabs Dean and kisses him, and Sam's fist curl of their own volition. Dean lets him, moves as if…as if he's kissed Jared before.
Jared pulls out of the kiss and looks at him again. "See?"
"Yeah," Sam answers thinly. "I saw all right."
"No, idiot, look. Your brother and I fucked last night because he wants to fuck you. I get that you're brothers and so on and so forth but I think we can all agree that you're both fucked up 900 ways from Sunday and I've been pretending to be you for a while now, you definitely want to fuck him, too."
Sam's eyes nearly explode out of his head, but Dean's looking at him closely. "Sammy?"
He looks at his brother. "High school," he says. "I've been in love with you since I was in high school."
Dean cups his face and kisses him tentatively, and Sam is so not having that. He deepens his brother's kiss, tongues chasing as they slide together. "Sam," Dean whispers between the first kiss and that's all the pause they have before the second.
"I see now why you liked Jared," Sam jokes, pulling away. He inclines his head towards the door. "Should we?"
"Fucked if I'm waiting for another room," Dean replies, shoving Sam towards the bed Jared and Jensen aren't using.
They're all stripping at this point, Jared helping Jensen out of his clothes, Sam practically tearing Dean's, and it's almost like having mirrors in reverse as Sam presses Dean to the bed and Jensen begins to crawl onto Jared.
"Can't believe you let some actor fuck you," Sam growls.
"Hey," Jared says from the other bed. "I was a very good fuck, thanks."
"He was," Dean admits.
Sam sits back and looks over at him, and then gets the craziest fucking idea he's ever had. "How good?"
"Not as good as you'll be," Dean whispers, kissing Sam's neck.
"Jensen, stand up for a second."
Jensen, Jared, and Dean all give Sam curious looks, but Sam knows what this is going to do to his brother, and he's not going to stop. He sits on the edge of the other bed and slides his hand over Jared's chest. Jared groans, and Sam takes advantage of his parted lips to kiss him.
"Oh, God," Dean gasps from where he's sitting. "Sam, you're gonna kill me."
"I know," he says, breaking the kiss. "I know exactly what it's like, Dean. Watching you with all those girls for all these years. Mmm," he kisses down Jared's chest and Jared gasps above him. "Got me so hot." He starts licking down Jared's flat stomach and reaches the trail of hairs over his cock.
"Sammy."
"Gonna make you watch me, too."
"Jensen," Jared gasps. "Fuck. Sam."
Dean makes a strangled sound, and Jensen obeys. Sam licks at Jared's dick and feels Jensen's fingers pushing into him once he finds the lube.
Dean watches for longer than Sam expected, but when Jensen is about to actually start fucking him, he growls and moves quickly from the bed, tackling Jensen onto the mattress next to Jared. Sam pulls his mouth off Jared to watch them, which makes Jared groan and try to shove him back down. It's almost cute, Jared trying to overpower Sam.
"Dude, this is weird," Jensen says. "It's like I'm about to make out with myself-"
Dean kisses him just long enough to make him stop talking. "Whatever, man," he says. "We're hot."
Jensen laughs lightly and shrugs, kissing Dean again. Sam watches them kiss and grind against each other, lowers himself back down and licks at Jared's balls, but once he starts taking Jared's cock again, deeper this time, Jared pants out that he's close, and Jensen sits up.
"Stop," he says. "Please."
A warm hand, definitely Dean's, wraps around the back of Sam's neck, squeezing him to get his attention, and reluctantly Sam pulls away and lets Jared's dick coat his chin in drool and precome. "What?" he asks once he's got his voice.
"Didn’t want him fucking you," Dean says. "Let him finish Jared."
Sam nods and trades places with Jensen. "Dean," says Sam. "Fuck me."
It's all tangled limbs and sweaty, salty kisses from there.
_______________________________________________________________
The sky is pink when Jared wakes up. He's wondering just what the fuck he's doing waking at dawn, but then he spots Jensen at the edge of the bed, fully dressed, hands shaking Jared's feet.
He opens his mouth to ask, but Jensen pushes a finger to his lips. He tosses Jared's clothes onto Jared and motions for him to follow him out of the room. Jared carefully pushes Sam's arm off his chest, slips his foot out from under Dean's, and tries not to wake anyone up with the shifting of the bed.
"What's up?" Jared asks once it's safe to talk.
"Let's leave," Jensen says.
"What?"
"Leave. You and me. Let's go."
"Where? We can’t go home until Castiel comes back."
"Exactly," Jensen says. He steps forward and kisses Jared warmly. "Jay, they're gonna make us go back there."
Jared is started to see what he's getting at.
"Let's go," Jensen repeats. "Anywhere but home."
"We can get into a lot of trouble in this world," Jared says. "Looking like Sam and Dean Winchester, I mean."
"We can go looking for an awful lot of trouble." Jensen smirks in a way that's always made Jared's knees weak, even when it scared him instead of exciting him like it does right now.
"You want to hunt?"
"Yeah."
"You do?"
"Yeah!"
"You threw a fit once because there was no Perrier in your trailer."
"It was the principle of the thing."
Jared raises an eyebrow. "Jensen, this is a one chance kind of thing. If we take off right now, we gotta know it's what we want."
"We're unemployed," he says. "Show's getting canceled."
"What?"
"It's a long story. But we're unemployed. We're unemployed actors with lives we hate and no excuse to see each other anymore." He breaks off and nuzzles at Jared, pressing a kiss under his jaw. "I'm sure, Jared. I want this."
"How are we gonna…? They have the car. We can't walk that far before they figure us out."
Jensen smiles. "Remember the time we tried breaking into cars at that dealership the way they taught us to fake it? Just to see if we could?"
"I remember that you couldn't do it." Jared smirks.
"You could," Jensen says. "We'll need a car."
"An awesome one," Jared agrees. "Like Dean's. Only we can't take Dean's. Obvious reasons, plus I don't wanna die."
"You just consented."
Jared grins but decides to play with Jensen a little longer. "No, I didn't. It was a hypothetical."
"Let's go before they wake up, idiot." Jensen says, taking Jared's hand.
"Okay, but I want to drive."
_______________________________________________________________
Sam sits up in bed, watching the two men through the window. "They're going to try to get away," he says. "Shouldn't we try to stop them?"
Dean puts an arm around his shoulder and kisses his neck. "Nah," he says, dragging Sam back down to bed with him.
They sleep in.
Fandom: Supernatural (+ 6x15!verse Jared and Jensen)
Characters/Pairings: Sam/Dean/Jared/Jensen, ultimately Sam/Dean and Jared/Jensen
Rating: NC-17 for Explicit Sexual Content, Crack, and Language
Word Count: 4,088
Author’s Note: Written for j2_fpsfest prompt #12: “After the showdown with Raphael, the boys suddenly realize that something isn't quite right - only one of them got zapped back to the right universe, and the other is still an actor. Back in Hollywoodland, they are realizing the same thing. How do they find their way back to their real worlds, and each other? And how do they all deal with their mismatched counterparts? No preference as to who is where, but I think Sam and Jensen in Hollywoodland and Dean and Jared in Monsterland could be funny. But go with what feels right to you! Slash between any of the guys is appreciated.” Poor prompting person probably did not mean that last part as literally as I am taking it, but whatever. Foursome was the only answer, clearly. This is unbeta'd. Also: fuck you, this title is poetry.
Summary: “You’re not my brother,” Dean says, unaware that in another world, at the same moment, his aforementioned brother is sitting up, rubbing a sore back, and saying the same exact thing.
“No,” the man (it must be Jared, Dean thinks) replies. “You’re not my catty co-star, are you?”
Dean shakes his head and reminds himself that even the longest of Winchester days can always somehow get longer.
_______________________________________________________________
“You’re not my brother,” Dean says, unaware that in another world, at the same moment, his aforementioned brother is sitting up, rubbing a sore back, and saying the same exact thing.
“No,” the man (it must be Jared, Dean thinks) replies. “You’re not my catty co-star, are you?”
Dean shakes his head and reminds himself that even the longest of Winchester days can always somehow get longer.
_______________________________________________________________
“Obviously I’m not your brother, moron,” Jensen replies.
Jared stares back unresponsive, his eyes wide and his big mouth hanging open stupidly. Half of his body landed on Jensen’s, and he weighs about three tons.
“Get off me, Padalecki,” Jensen tells him.
“PadaWHAT?” Jared shouts, as if he’s never heard his own name before.
“I said, ‘get off me, Padalecki,’” Jensen repeats, shoving at the heavy limbs.
Jared takes the hint and pulls them away from Jensen, but is still looking at him with his mouth gaping. “No, I heard you. Why are you still calling me that, Dean?”
“Why are you calling me that at all, Jared?”
Jared lies back on the ground. “My name isn’t Jared. It’s Sam,” he says, words muffled by an arm he’s draped over his face. “And I hate my life.”
Jensen blinks a few times. “Fuck,” he finally says.
“I’ll say.”
“I hate your life, too,” Jensen replies, sinking down to the floor next to the other man.
They both sigh at the same time.
_______________________________________________________________
"What do you mean, 'he used it all up?'" Dean snaps.
Bobby rolls his eyes. "Exactly what it sounds like, princess. This isn't Walmart. Your angel buddy grabbed everything and threw it in the bowl without stopping to measure. My stores are out."
"But Sam," says Dean.
Bobby throws his hands in the air. "I don't know what to tell ya, boy. You two better start driving."
"No," Dean says. "No fucking way. The nearest of those ingredients are in Mexico. I am not leaving Sam in some weird alternate dimension that long."
"Well, I don't know why you're lookin' at me," Bobby says.
Dean turns to glare at the sasquatch in the corner, and he looks around, like he doesn't even know how he got involved in the fight. "What'd I do?" Jared asks.
"I don't know," Dean answers. "But you're not helping."
"I don't know how to help!"
"Cas," Dean says. "This was his stupid plan. He'd better be able to fix it."
Bobby shakes his head. "If you can get a hol-"
"Tomorrow," says Castiel.
Jared lets out a terrified sound when he realizes the angel is suddenly standing beside him. "Holy shit, how did he-?"
"Fucking actors," Dean gripes. "Morons."
"I will worry about your brother tomorrow."
"Today," Dean replies. "I'm thinking you'll worry about him right now."
Castiel shakes his head curtly. "I am hiding the weapons, Dean. It is more important."
"More important than-? Son of a bitch!"
"Holy shit!" Jared gasps. "He disappeared. I was staring right at him and he was there and now he's not."
"Yeah, it's getting him to stay that's a hassle," Bobby says.
"So what now?" Dean asks.
Bobby shrugs. "It looks like we wait until tomorrow."
"But Sam," Dean protests one last time.
"Dean, I'm pretty sure your brother can handle himself for a day in a world without anything scary."
Dean narrows his eyes at Bobby, because he's missing the point-not to mention right, which is even worse. He sighs. "What do we do with Norma Desmond?" Dean asks, cocking his head at Jared.
"Beats me," Bobby says. "Get him outta my house, though. Him and that Jensen have been drivin' me nuts. Bad enough to make me miss you two knuckleheads."
"You want me to babysit him?"
Bobby smiles. "Yup," he says. "And I don't wanna see either of you until tomorrow."
_______________________________________________________________
"Dude, this is ridiculous," Jensen says, staring at the footage looping on the screens. "You two look seriously disturbed."
Sam's face contorts, and Jensen nearly laughs out loud. He's honest-to-God making the bitchface Jared worked so long to perfect, like it comes naturally. "We're not actors!" Sam snaps.
"It's really not that hard, dude." Jensen points to one of the cuts of Sam trying to deliver a monologue. "Weren't you in a play in high school?" Jensen asks. "I swear I had a line about that once."
"Our Town," Sam replies.
"Jesus, was it this bad?"
"Dean said I was great," says Sam. Jensen raises an eyebrow, and Sam huffs out a laugh. "Which I guess means it was."
"That poor audience."
"Fuck off," Sam tells him.
"We oughta figure out how to get you home before you subject any more innocent people to your acting."
Sam sighs. "It's hopeless. There's no magic here. We'll have to wait for Dean to figure something out."
"You okay with that damsel in distress thing?"
He shrugs. "Hasn't failed me yet," he says, smiling fondly. "Anyway, no one's acting around here anytime soon."
"Huh?"
"Oh, right. You don't know." Sam makes the puppy dog face for a moment and looks away. "It's not my business to tell you, but let's just say…your show is almost definitely getting canceled because there was a massacre on set today."
Jensen stares. "Mind running that by me without talking a mile a minute, Sammy?"
"Whoa," Sam says, jumping slightly. "Really don't call me that, it's just weird."
Jensen blinks back at him unimpressed.
"The angel Raphael sent after us kind of came here and shot a bunch of people."
"Kind of," Jensen clucks his tongue inside his mouth, "Super."
"At least you won't have to work with Jared anymore?" Sam tries.
Jensen does his best to smile. "At least there's that."
_______________________________________________________________
"He's probably happier," Jared says after about twenty minutes of silence in the car.
Dean's instinct is to turn the music up, but instead he tightens his fingers on the steering wheel. "What do you mean?" he asks, trying to put a little threat in his voice.
"Sam," Jared clarifies. "You shouldn't switch our places tomorrow. Not if you really want him happy."
"Oh, yeah?"
"Yeah."
Dean had been trying not to think the same thing, but he shakes his head anyway. "That's bullshit."
"Come on, I've spent the last six years studying this guy, working to get in his head. He hates this life."
"What do you care?"
"I don’t want to go back," Jared says. "I hate my life."
"And I should leave my brother in it because…?"
"Because he won't hate it. Dean, you know it's everything he ever wanted. Nice house, a wife. Safe. No demons to tempt him, no angels to play with him, no nothing. You wouldn't have to worry about him if you leave him there."
"Why don't you go back to being quiet?"
Jared sits back. "I know it's hard to hear, but you're just being selfish if you bring him here."
"You want to live in this world? With the demons and the ghosts and the no-star motels?"
"I could hunt," Jared insists. "Dean, I could be really great. Actually do something useful with my life. Help people. Not have to put up with my crazy wife. Sam will just be happy to have one, you guys can't be picky, you know?" His voice goes quiet. "And Sam won't care that Jensen hates him."
"You can't hunt, okay? You can't even wipe your own ass."
"I know how to fight, Dean. I know how to kill most of the things you've faced in the last seven years. Sure, it's not field experience, but I can get that. You have to admit, this is a solid foundation."
Dean pulls into a parking lot and puts the Impala in park. "You're going back tomorrow, that’s not a question."
"I'll even let you boss me around. I can play baby brother!"
Dean thinks of Sam before he got his soul back, of that freaky thing trying to be Sam. "You try, I'll kill you."
"Okay! Touchy subject."
Dean gets out of the car and pulls his duffel out of the trunk. Jared keeps talking to him, trying to convince him not to call on Castiel again, until they reach the counter. Dean checks them in to the motel and makes his way to the room trying not to hear what the other man is saying.
"I guess you're not as good a brother as I thought," Jared finally says.
Dean rounds on him. "You don't know anything about my brother, okay?" Jared begins to laugh, and Dean shoves him. "My brother is the one who wanted to come back here. He said…he told me he'd rather be…"
Dean looks away. Sam had said he'd rather be brothers, and that was one of the best things Dean had heard in years. And he can't not believe it, because there's no way-even if Jared is right and it makes him a bad person-there's no way he's giving Sam up just when he's finally got him back.
"I bet he doesn't have a wall to scratch over there," Jared says, and it's obvious he saved his best card for last. "No Hell, no wall. No wall, no wall breaking."
It's enough. Dean is about to give in, call the whole thing off. But he imagines what will happen if Sam did take the wall with him. If it breaks and Sam has no one but a bitchy actor, a crazy wife, and an alpaca to help him through it.
"I'm getting my brother back."
Jared sinks down on his bed and nods. "Yeah, okay." He lays a hand on the mattress and keeps his attention fixed on it, away from Dean. "I'm sorry I tried to talk you out of it."
He seems so put out that Dean actually feels kind of sorry. "Look, man, I'm sorry you hate your life, but you can change it."
"You guys can change it," Jared says, looking up at him. "You guys can do anything, right? For each other?" He laughs humorlessly. "In my world, you make one stupid mistake and you lose…"
Jared's expression shifts, like he's only just thought of something really brilliant, and then he smiles darkly. Dean realizes what he's thinking about right away, and his blood runs hot. It's almost like Sam watching him, almost his brother. But not. It won't ruin anything if Dean crawls onto the bed with this guy, and Jared puts on an inviting smile, an expression Dean has only ever imagined his brother wearing.
"How do you feel about getting laid tonight, Jared?" Dean asks.
The smile widens. "You were always my favorite character," he says.
Jared fucks him three times, and never once calls him out for saying Sam's name. In exchange, Dean doesn't mind being Jensen for a night.
_______________________________________________________________
"You can't make me go back there," Sam says. "That woman terrifies me."
Jensen snorts. "Yeah," he says. "Me, too."
"What kind of douche is this Jared guy, anyway?"
"He's not so bad," says Jensen.
Sam gives him a pointed look. "He has paintings of himself on his walls."
Jensen shrugs. "Wasn't always like that," he replies after a long time. "He used to be kind of awesome, before Genevieve."
"I thought you guys hated each other," Sam says.
"We do now. Or he hates me." Jensen plays with his seatbelt. "We used to be best friends."
"What happened?"
"I dunno," Jensen says. "I can't blame it all on Genevieve. I think he was only so desperate to marry her because I…" Jensen doesn't know why he's telling Sam any of this, so he rethinks his confession. "I told him something, and it spooked him, I guess."
"Wow." Sam laughs, and Jensen grimaces. "You guys are idiots."
"Why?"
"Dude, it's so obvious it's sad. Why don't you just deal with the sexual tension?"
"What? I'm not-Jared and I never-"
"That's the whole problem. Man, come on. At least Dean and I have an excuse, we're brothers. And at least we can talk to each other."
"What do you know about it?" Jensen asks, crossing his arms over his chest. He's not just going to sit here and have his major life issues laughed at by some guy who's in love with his brother.
"It should be easy, is all I'm saying," Sam replies. "For you guys. It should be, like, ridiculously easy."
"So you really do, I mean, I always kind of thought you guys were suspicious."
Sam licks his lips. "Not Dean," Sam says. "That's all my problem."
Jensen leans across the car seat then, kisses Sam slowly. Sam kisses back for a little while, until Jensen pulls away and whispers into his ear. "We can both vent our problems tonight."
Sam lets out a shaky breath, Jensen can see him thinking it over, but he pushes him away. "You're not him," Sam says. "It's not gonna do me any good to pretend."
_______________________________________________________________
Sam sees the window glowing at around noon and doesn't think before hurtling himself through it. It works. He jumps from Jensen's apartment on the seventh story of a building and mercifully lands outside of Bobby's house.
"That'd better be the last goddamn time," Bobby says as Sam stands and shakes glass off. "I'm running outta windows for you morons to break."
Sam laughs deeply. "Man it's good to hear you, Bobby."
"Sammy?"
Sam turns to find Dean watching him with wary eyes. "Dean, man, could you have taken any longer?"
"You're not upset you're back?" he asks.
"Idiot," Sam replies, bumping his brother's shoulder.
"Jesus fuck," they hear someone say. "Ah, there's glass everywhere."
"It was a real window, you dick," Dean says.
Sam turns to see Jensen rolling on the floor, clutching his leg. "Oh, don't tell me."
"They're leaving tomorrow," Dean says, as if he's been having this fight all morning. "Cas is a fucking idiot and takes four tries to fix his messes."
"Bobby really is gonna run out of windows."
"Out!" Bobby yells.
Dean grabs Sam by the arm and grudgingly remembers to turn back for Jensen. "I hadn't told him about the extra window just yet," Dean explains as they run for the car. "I was working him up to it."
"I see that went well," says Sam.
"Blow me, Sammy," Dean replies.
They stop at a motel about half an hour from Bobby's.
"Jared's already here," Dean tells Jensen. "We'll need another room."
"Dibbs on you," Jensen says to Dean.
"What?" Sam laughs. "Obviously you and Jared are gonna-"
"Actually," Dean says. "I was thinking me and Jared could bunk up again, since we're already settled in our room."
Sam's eyebrows draw and he looks Dean over. Dean doesn't meet his eyes, and it's obvious there's more to it. "How is Jared?" he asks.
"Not as bad as you'd think, actually." Dean licks his lips. "We've been getting on pretty well."
"How nice for you," Sam replies sourly. "Where's this room?"
"Shouldn't we check-in first?"
"No," Sam says. "I'd really like to meet Jared."
"Dude, who cares about Jared?" Dean asks.
"You do, apparently." Sam shuts up then, realizing he's coming off like the world's craziest jealous girlfriend.
Dean takes them to the room he and Jared shared the night before, and the first thing Jared does is make a frustrated sound. "Oh God, you brought him?"
"Can't imagine what you expected me to do with him?" Dean replies.
"Wasn't there gonna be another room?" Jared asks. "In Vancouver, we don't have to be in the same room unless we're working."
"Yeah, well, this isn't Vancouver and you're not Madonna," Jensen chimes in.
Sam has to fight the urge to smack his palm right into his forehead. It's obvious from Jared's response that he's just as fucked up over this as Jensen is, so Sam places a hand on each of Jensen's shoulders from behind and steers him towards Jared.
"Jared, your friend Jensen has something he wants to say to you. Jensen? The floor is yours."
"He's not my fri-" Jared begins, but Jensen does them all a favor by shutting him up, muffles Jared's words with his mouth.
Jared stops him right away, but his hand tangles in the fabric of Jensen's shirt. "Jensen, what are you doing?"
Jensen tries to break away. "Sam thought you might...I told him you don't but he wouldn't list-"
"Wow," Dean says, moving to stand next to Sam. "Look at them go."
Sam does. It hits low in his belly, both good and bad in the way it spreads through him. They look like a million dreams Sam has had, when he was the one kissing Dean, and, as hot as it is, it hurts that someone else gets it without the stupid incest catch attached.
"Should we go see about getting a room?" Sam asks.
Dean's eyes don't leave the men kissing on the bed, and he looks disappointed when he turns to Sam. "Yeah, I guess we should."
"Wait," Jared calls.
Sam and Dean pause and turn back to him. He's pushing Jensen off him and standing up, moving towards them. "You did me a favor, Sam," he says, looking Sam in the eye. "I'm gonna do you one."
He grabs Dean and kisses him, and Sam's fist curl of their own volition. Dean lets him, moves as if…as if he's kissed Jared before.
Jared pulls out of the kiss and looks at him again. "See?"
"Yeah," Sam answers thinly. "I saw all right."
"No, idiot, look. Your brother and I fucked last night because he wants to fuck you. I get that you're brothers and so on and so forth but I think we can all agree that you're both fucked up 900 ways from Sunday and I've been pretending to be you for a while now, you definitely want to fuck him, too."
Sam's eyes nearly explode out of his head, but Dean's looking at him closely. "Sammy?"
He looks at his brother. "High school," he says. "I've been in love with you since I was in high school."
Dean cups his face and kisses him tentatively, and Sam is so not having that. He deepens his brother's kiss, tongues chasing as they slide together. "Sam," Dean whispers between the first kiss and that's all the pause they have before the second.
"I see now why you liked Jared," Sam jokes, pulling away. He inclines his head towards the door. "Should we?"
"Fucked if I'm waiting for another room," Dean replies, shoving Sam towards the bed Jared and Jensen aren't using.
They're all stripping at this point, Jared helping Jensen out of his clothes, Sam practically tearing Dean's, and it's almost like having mirrors in reverse as Sam presses Dean to the bed and Jensen begins to crawl onto Jared.
"Can't believe you let some actor fuck you," Sam growls.
"Hey," Jared says from the other bed. "I was a very good fuck, thanks."
"He was," Dean admits.
Sam sits back and looks over at him, and then gets the craziest fucking idea he's ever had. "How good?"
"Not as good as you'll be," Dean whispers, kissing Sam's neck.
"Jensen, stand up for a second."
Jensen, Jared, and Dean all give Sam curious looks, but Sam knows what this is going to do to his brother, and he's not going to stop. He sits on the edge of the other bed and slides his hand over Jared's chest. Jared groans, and Sam takes advantage of his parted lips to kiss him.
"Oh, God," Dean gasps from where he's sitting. "Sam, you're gonna kill me."
"I know," he says, breaking the kiss. "I know exactly what it's like, Dean. Watching you with all those girls for all these years. Mmm," he kisses down Jared's chest and Jared gasps above him. "Got me so hot." He starts licking down Jared's flat stomach and reaches the trail of hairs over his cock.
"Sammy."
"Gonna make you watch me, too."
"Jensen," Jared gasps. "Fuck. Sam."
Dean makes a strangled sound, and Jensen obeys. Sam licks at Jared's dick and feels Jensen's fingers pushing into him once he finds the lube.
Dean watches for longer than Sam expected, but when Jensen is about to actually start fucking him, he growls and moves quickly from the bed, tackling Jensen onto the mattress next to Jared. Sam pulls his mouth off Jared to watch them, which makes Jared groan and try to shove him back down. It's almost cute, Jared trying to overpower Sam.
"Dude, this is weird," Jensen says. "It's like I'm about to make out with myself-"
Dean kisses him just long enough to make him stop talking. "Whatever, man," he says. "We're hot."
Jensen laughs lightly and shrugs, kissing Dean again. Sam watches them kiss and grind against each other, lowers himself back down and licks at Jared's balls, but once he starts taking Jared's cock again, deeper this time, Jared pants out that he's close, and Jensen sits up.
"Stop," he says. "Please."
A warm hand, definitely Dean's, wraps around the back of Sam's neck, squeezing him to get his attention, and reluctantly Sam pulls away and lets Jared's dick coat his chin in drool and precome. "What?" he asks once he's got his voice.
"Didn’t want him fucking you," Dean says. "Let him finish Jared."
Sam nods and trades places with Jensen. "Dean," says Sam. "Fuck me."
It's all tangled limbs and sweaty, salty kisses from there.
_______________________________________________________________
The sky is pink when Jared wakes up. He's wondering just what the fuck he's doing waking at dawn, but then he spots Jensen at the edge of the bed, fully dressed, hands shaking Jared's feet.
He opens his mouth to ask, but Jensen pushes a finger to his lips. He tosses Jared's clothes onto Jared and motions for him to follow him out of the room. Jared carefully pushes Sam's arm off his chest, slips his foot out from under Dean's, and tries not to wake anyone up with the shifting of the bed.
"What's up?" Jared asks once it's safe to talk.
"Let's leave," Jensen says.
"What?"
"Leave. You and me. Let's go."
"Where? We can’t go home until Castiel comes back."
"Exactly," Jensen says. He steps forward and kisses Jared warmly. "Jay, they're gonna make us go back there."
Jared is started to see what he's getting at.
"Let's go," Jensen repeats. "Anywhere but home."
"We can get into a lot of trouble in this world," Jared says. "Looking like Sam and Dean Winchester, I mean."
"We can go looking for an awful lot of trouble." Jensen smirks in a way that's always made Jared's knees weak, even when it scared him instead of exciting him like it does right now.
"You want to hunt?"
"Yeah."
"You do?"
"Yeah!"
"You threw a fit once because there was no Perrier in your trailer."
"It was the principle of the thing."
Jared raises an eyebrow. "Jensen, this is a one chance kind of thing. If we take off right now, we gotta know it's what we want."
"We're unemployed," he says. "Show's getting canceled."
"What?"
"It's a long story. But we're unemployed. We're unemployed actors with lives we hate and no excuse to see each other anymore." He breaks off and nuzzles at Jared, pressing a kiss under his jaw. "I'm sure, Jared. I want this."
"How are we gonna…? They have the car. We can't walk that far before they figure us out."
Jensen smiles. "Remember the time we tried breaking into cars at that dealership the way they taught us to fake it? Just to see if we could?"
"I remember that you couldn't do it." Jared smirks.
"You could," Jensen says. "We'll need a car."
"An awesome one," Jared agrees. "Like Dean's. Only we can't take Dean's. Obvious reasons, plus I don't wanna die."
"You just consented."
Jared grins but decides to play with Jensen a little longer. "No, I didn't. It was a hypothetical."
"Let's go before they wake up, idiot." Jensen says, taking Jared's hand.
"Okay, but I want to drive."
_______________________________________________________________
Sam sits up in bed, watching the two men through the window. "They're going to try to get away," he says. "Shouldn't we try to stop them?"
Dean puts an arm around his shoulder and kisses his neck. "Nah," he says, dragging Sam back down to bed with him.
They sleep in.