Real Person Fic - CW: Along the Road to Anywhere [Part 3/3]
ared takes about ten minutes backstage between finishing and coming back out. As usual, there’s a small group of admirers waiting to ask him questions. Jensen stays seated and watches Jared work through them with his usual charm, but Jared’s eyes keep darting back to Jensen and he knows Jared’s worrying too much to give anyone his full attention.
Jensen stands and walks to Jared’s side, presses one hand low on the small of Jared’s back, applying just enough pressure to let Jared know he’s alright. Jared’s body relaxes a little and his smile grows, becomes more genuine. The person he’s talking to, a slightly awkward man of about 30 years with thick black glasses, darts his eyes from Jared to Jensen and then back, and he smiles a little more, too.
“You know, I was wondering if you actually knew each other or if he was just better at being up there than any of the other volunteers I’ve seen.”
“This guy? I’ve never seen him before in my life,” Jared says, putting an arm around Jensen’s shoulder and holding a hand out for the guy to shake. The man takes it happily and leaves, allowing the next person closest to Jared to pounce.
It’s the pretty girl Jensen had noticed during the show, and Jensen is unsurprised to see Chad hanging back, looking like he can’t decide between keeping his dignity and coming up to shake Jared’s hand.
“Mr. Padalecki, I am a huge fan,” she says, flashing a gorgeous smile.
“Please, call me Jared. What’s your name?”
“Sophia. I come to see you as often as I can.”
“Well, you should sit in the second row next time you come.” Jared winks, and, guessing from the way she blushes, Jensen figures she gets what Jared’s saying.
It’s been years since Jensen’s been annoyed by the fact that Jared flirts with anything he comes into contact with, be it female, male, or alarm clock, so it’s amusing to watch more than anything. Jared’s too old to still be the threat he once was, but from the way Chad is glaring at him and Sophia is giggling, you’d think he was still 25 years old.
“Oh, I couldn’t possibly, I’d get stage fright.”
“Nonsense. Even Chad came up to play with me.”
“He’s not coming next time,” Sophia promises.
Jared barks out a laugh, and Chad crosses his arms over his chest. Combined with the sulk on his face, he looks like a grumpy child. It’s almost endearing.
“I don’t even think someone as pretty as you could drag him to this twice.”
“I was wondering if you could tell me how much of it’s true?”
Jared looks at her for a long minute before nodding, as if he’s decided to let her in on a great secret. He gestures her forward, and she leans in excitedly. “You know the part about Maine?”
“Yes?”
“That didn’t happen.”
Her face seems divided on whether to frown or smile, and Jensen knows the feeling. Jared never gives away how much he’s making up, and, as annoying as that can be, Jensen’s willing to bet everyone who asks the question ultimately appreciates that he doesn’t spoil the illusion.
Finally, Sophia gives up on hoping for Jared to tell her more and holds out a hand for Jared to shake. He kisses it instead, and Chad reveals that he actually is capable of glaring harder.
Sophia practically melts, but she manages to keep it together. “Well, I, uh, I just wanted to congratulate you because you did great tonight!”
She turns on her heels and grabs Chad by the wrist, dragging him behind her.
Jared turns to face Jensen, thinking he’s pretty much done with crowd control.
“You scare everyone away,” Jensen says.
“She just couldn’t stand up against my charm.” He cups Jensen’s face and is about to lean in for a kiss when he pulls back, looking confused.
Jensen sees his body jerk, and Jared turns to reveal a tiny figure tugging at his pant leg. She’s got long black pig tails and a bright pink dress and there’s a teddy bear idly hanging from the hand that isn’t pulling at Jared.
“Excuse me,” says the culprit in a put-upon voice. “Exxxxcccuuusseee meeee!”
Jared turns to Jensen and quirks an eyebrow before looking back to the little girl. She’s so small Jared could probably crush her under his foot, yet she looks up at him like she’s 100 years old and tired of his crap.
“What can I help you with?” Jared says, practically to the ground.
“Have you really been to all fifty states?” she asks.
“Well, except Idaho,” Jared looks up at the girl’s mother, who is standing with an apologetic look on her face. “I had a girlfriend from Idaho-messy break up, she kept the state.”
Jared gets down on one knee until he’s closer to level with the girl. “I’ve also been to every country in Europe and thirty countries in-”
“Yeah, yeah,” she says. “But have you been to Alaska?”
Jensen lets out an unexpected laugh then, because even with the awestruck faith in the girl’s expression, it’s nice to see someone at least almost call Jared on his bullshitting.
“You didn’t tell us about Alaska,” she adds after a few seconds of silence.
Jared looks up at the mother, who shrugs and adds, as if the logic is infallible, “It’s true, you know. You didn’t tell us about Alaska.”
Jared’s attention is fixed on the girl again. “What’s your name?”
“Cynthia. And you’re Jared and you’re an explorer and one day I’m gonna be an explorer, too.”
“Yes you are,” Jared says, and Jensen knows Jared’s enough of a kid that the excitement in his voice is genuine. “And you’re gonna go to Alaska, huh?”
“It’s my first stop.”
“Well, what do you want to know about it, sweetheart?”
“Anything,” she says with exactly the same dreamy expression Jensen’s pretty sure he used to look at Jared with when he was a kid.
Jared picks her up and sits her on his knee. Jensen winces in sympathy of the ache he’s sure Jared will feel tomorrow. “Well, it’s cold of course, so you’ll have to bring a jacket.”
“I have three jackets,” she assures him, all business.
“Good! Now, there are a lot of polar bears in Alaska, but you should be okay if you just tell them Jared sent you.”
“Can I ride them?”
“Now, I don’t know about that. You can’t ask to, and I certainly never got to, but maybe they’ll let you.”
“I’ll ride one back here so you can see.”
Jared makes a delighted noise and somehow gets lost for five minutes helping the little girl plan her trip. It’s been a long time since Jensen’s seen Jared that distracted, and when the mother moves to take Cynthia back and spare Jared his babysitting, Jensen reaches out to stop her. She smiles and nods.
“Do you know what the Aurora Borealis is?”
“Aurora is a princess.”
“Well, that’s true enough. But I mean, the Northern Lights. Have you ever heard of them?”
She shakes her little head, cradling the teddy bear against her chest.
“Well, up in Alaska, sometimes the sky lights up, with all different kinds of colors. It’s like a painting only it glows, and if you watch it with someone you really care about, you can lie on your back staring up at it and talking for months and months and not get tired.”
Jensen bites his bottom lip. That was one of the things Jared had always wanted to do most and instead they’d had to settle for lying on their favorite hill, watching the clouds and pointing out shapes. Jensen hears the laughing as they rolled down the grassy slope tangled in each other, kissing and not caring how dirty they would get or how many bruises would show on them the next day.
They’d spent hours bickering over clouds (“That one looks like a dog.” “Everything looks like a dog to you, Jared.” “That one looks like a hot dog.” “Everything looks like food to you.” “That one looks like your dick.” “That one actually does look like my dick.”) and Jensen can’t think of a single time it got old before the sun set, making it too dark to keep playing.
Jensen realizes he’s been standing with his eyes closed, lost in thought for several minutes, and, as much as he hates to steal Jared’s attention, his body is beginning to lodge a formal complaint.
He squeezes Jared’s shoulder and Jared’s words stop immediately, the playful tone tripping and obviously strained to everyone but Cynthia when he speaks again. “You’re gonna send me a postcard, right?”
She nods, and Jared sets her back on the floor, standing slowly and groaning at the soreness of his bones.
“Thank you,” the mother says gently. Jared smiles, waving his hand like it was no big deal.
Jensen watches them leave, the little girl skipping and talking, loud and excited, and the mother running after her, trying to keep up.
“You’re gonna kill yourself being too nice one of these days.”
“That woman’s got herself a handful,” Jared says fondly, shaking gray hair out of his eyes. “Remember when Max was that age?”
“He liked you better.”
“Still does,” says Jared, poking Jensen lightly in the side.
“Christ, remember when we were that age?”
“I was never that age. I’ve got the liver spots to prove it.” Jared wiggles his hands at Jensen.
“I think you’ll always be that age, Jay. I’ve got the babysitting fines to prove it.”
“Mmm, at least I have a hot babysitter,” Jared teases, finally taking the kiss he’d been aiming for when they were interrupted.
“Let’s get out of here before another adoring fan gets their claws in you.”
“Good call,” Jared says, wrapping an arm around Jensen’s waist in a move that’s supposed to be casual and easy but is really an offer of support that Jensen has no choice but to accept. “How was it tonight?”
“Eh,” Jensen says. “You forgot Minnesota.”
“Oh, Goddamn. I always forget Minnesota.”
“You’re a racist, Jared.”
“Against the WASPs of Minnesota?”
“Damn right.”
“I’m an old man. No one expects me to remember everything.”
“Make your excuses. The people of Minnesota know the truth.”
Jared chuckles and steers Jensen out the door.
Jared passes nervously to the opposite side of the room, upsetting the entire house as he walks. Jensen slaps at the covers next to him, attempting to draw Jared’s attention to the bed.
Jared turns to look at him, frenzied, and Jensen wants to laugh. He’s mostly come to terms with the way the world works and what that means for him, but he doesn’t think he’ll ever forgive the fact that he won’t get to watch Jared drive himself up the wall like this for much longer.
“Well? Aren’t you going to help me find them?” Jared asks furiously.
“You’re wearing them, Jared.”
Jared opens his mouth to respond before he catches what Jensen says, closes it, and reaches up to feel at his temple. His glasses fall down in place and Jensen squints, trying to make out the glare he knows Jared is leveling at him from behind the frames.
“Why oh why didn’t you tell me that twenty minutes ago?”
“Just wanted to watch you sweat,” Jensen says playfully.
“Such a jerk,” Jared grumbles, finally crawling into his place in bed. He turns on his lamp and grabs a book off the nightstand.
Jensen has no intention of letting Jared get any literary time tonight so he nudges under Jared’s arm and sticks his head squarely between Jared’s line of vision and the book. “Watcha reading?”
Jared huffs and lets his hands fall, one releasing the book onto the bed next to him, the other running down Jensen’s back. “It doesn’t look like I’m gonna get to read much of anything, am I right?”
Jensen smiles, kissing Jared’s chest lightly. “I like this not putting up a fight thing you suddenly have going. Resistance is futile and all that.”
“That joke is too old, even for you.”
“Nah. Star Trek is still cool. Star Trek is always cool.”
“You tell yourself that.”
“I’m telling you, though.”
“But I want to read,” Jared whines.
“You’ll have plenty of time to read when I’m-”
Jared cuts Jensen off with a withering look and Jensen rethinks his wording.
“When I’m snoring contentedly.”
Jared doesn’t look entirely mollified, but he slips off his glasses and places the book on the nightstand, resting the spectacles on top of it.
“Max is coming tomorrow,” Jared states with a little squeeze to Jensen’s shoulder that’s supposed to indicate this is good news.
“Ah, waving his old man goodbye.”
“Don’t you do that, Jensen.”
“Do what?” he asks, knowing perfectly well that Jared’s not going to let it rest.
“Make a joke out of this.”
“Life’s big punch line, right?”
“I’m serious. Don’t do it.”
“Just think we need to be adults here and acknowledge what’s happening. It’s not…it’s not going away just because you won’t talk about it.”
“There’s nothing to talk about, Jen. Please.”
“It’ll be easier if we don’t make a big deal out of it, okay? If we laugh about it, it won’t be as bad.”
“That’s easy for you to say,” Jared snaps.
“Yeah, this is all really easy for me. I’m not the one it’s happening to or anything.”
“I’d trade places with you in a second, Jensen. In a heartbeat.”
“Jay, don’t say that.”
“Why not? I mean it.”
“Not as fun as it looks,” Jensen says.
“You have no idea what I’m going through. You can’t, you can’t even begin. You know when you try to imagine what it would feel like to lose the people you love? You don’t know why you think of it, there’s just some morbid thought that strikes you and once it’s in you can’t shake it away for a few minutes. You know how you feel so ashamed it’s like there’s sewer water in your veins and you’re sure you’ll never be clean again?”
“Jesus, Jared, yeah, I get it. I know this is awful for you, but-”
Jared sits up and pushes Jensen away-not rough, not hard enough to hurt Jensen, but he makes his point. He looks at him, angrier than Jensen thinks he’s ever seen him, angrier than Jensen thought anyone his age could still get.
“No, you don’t get it. Because that feeling? That’s a pin prick, Jensen. That’s a scratch. Hell, that’s a blessing next to what the real thing feels like. You don’t…there’s no way for you to know, and I have to feel like that all the time. So you do me a favor and don’t make a fucking joke out of it.”
Jensen tries to think of something to say, but his mouth just hangs open, and Jared keeps staring at him, eyes threatening, until they glaze over and he moves back down to rest his head on Jensen’s chest.
“I’m sorry, Jen,” he says, his voice slightly soggy. “I’m sorry; I don’t want to yell at you right now.”
Jensen swallows hard and takes Jared in his arms, gets his fingers in Jared’s hair and tries to soothe him with massaging circles on his scalp.
“No, don’t apologize. I shouldn’t have-I wasn’t thinking, okay? I just. I want you to know that this is…I’m okay with this, so you should be, too.”
Jared shakes his head against Jensen. “I can’t. I want to be strong and pretend it’s okay and it’s not.”
“Hey, look. We did pretty good, right? We had a long life, we made it this far. We’re lucky, Jared.”
Jared shakes his head. “I never gave you anything you wanted. I made so many promises and I didn’t keep any of them.”
“You give me all that and more every night.”
“Stories. Just stories. You deserved so much, and I couldn’t ever give you it.”
“Look at me.” Stubbornly slow, Jared raises his head and meets Jensen’s gaze. “There is nothing I regret, okay? Not one single thing about our lives I would change or do differently.”
“Really?” Jared asks, voice still unsure, but trying to believe.
“Well, except Kansas.”
“Huh?”
“Ghost hunting in Kansas. That would have been awesome.”
Jared laughs unexpectedly. “I’m glad you liked it.”
“Mmm, you did good tonight.”
“Well. I did well tonight,” Jared corrects.
“I can’t stand you.”
“Was it better than yesterday?”
“Now, I don’t know about that,” says Jensen. “Yesterday had the giant spiders you fought in Wisconsin. Those were awesome.”
“Oh, honestly, Jensen. Giant spiders? You and your cheap thrills.”
“Can’t help it if I’m a giant spider man,” Jensen says with as much dignity as possible.
Jared moves then, climbs between Jensen’s legs and leans down for a kiss. Jared still kisses like he’s a teenager, hard and hungry, and it’s the only thing Jensen’s body is so hardwired to that it can still keep up with. Kissing Jared is muscle memory, and Jensen thinks that’s enough to make up for all the betrayals his body is putting him through.
Jared’s hands move over Jensen, soothing, like he’s read and memorized the manual on how to make Jensen relax. Sometimes it feels like Jared wrote the damn manual, that the touches he likes were trained into him when they were 16 years old, hiding from Jensen’s family on the trampoline in Jared’s backyard. There are buttons now, and Jared presses them effortlessly. Sometimes he can even find one that makes everything stop hurting and lets Jensen forget, for however brief a time, that this is coming to an end.
“It’ll be better tomorrow,” Jared promises, whispers it right into Jensen’s ear.
Jared makes the promise every night, and Jensen has to wonder how long he’ll be able to keep waking up just to see if Jared can keep it. It hasn’t failed yet, but the doctor said 6-to-8 months 8 months ago today, and Jensen wishes with everything in him that he can go on defying medicine just a little while longer. He doesn’t know if he can.
“Of course it will. I can’t wait.”
Jared runs the back of his hand across Jensen’s face. “And…and we can still make it real, you know. I’ll take you to the Amazon next year. I’ll buy the tickets tomorrow. All you have to do is…”
“Jared.”
“A year’s not that long to ask for, right?” His voice breaks.
“Jared.”
“Just tell me you can make it. Even if it’s a lie, just make me believe it.”
“Jared, come on.”
Jared draws away from Jensen and curls into himself back on his own side of the bed. Jensen puts a hand on his shoulder and, when that receives no response, kisses it instead.
“You should go, Jare. You still can. Hell, you’ve got a lifetime. There’s no reason why you can’t go on an adventure without the ol’ ball and chain.”
“Oh, yeah. I’ll rig the house up with balloons and fly it to South America in your honor. And I’ll teach the dogs how to talk so they can keep me company.”
Jensen jumps on the chance to cheer Jared, eyes landing on Harley and Sadie where they’re resting at the foot of the bed. “What do you think they’d say if they could?”
Jared chuckles. “You smell like bacon so I love you.”
Harley raises his head and tilts it, watching them as if he’s surprised to hear them finally make sense after so many years of talking gibberish. Jared and Jensen both laugh.
“Seriously, though, Jay. Promise me you’ll keep living.”
“Who talks like that? What does that even mean, Jensen?”
“I don’t know. Keep telling your stories. Write them down maybe? I don’t care. I just can’t stand to think of you rolling over and dying.”
“What’s the point of telling stories without anyone to tell them to?”
“That’s a joke, right? All those people don’t show up every night to watch me sit in the audience.”
“I don’t think you get it. I don’t do it for them, and I don’t want to do it without you. Not anything. I don’t want to…”
Jared breaks off then, and Jensen knows he’s doing everything he can to hold back tears. Jared’s got so much life in him-Jensen never in a million years until now thought that was something Jared could regret.
Jared turns to face him then, wet stains showing that he lost the struggle not to cry. “I hate you for leaving me, Jensen.” He wipes at his face with a big hand and continues, “I…I can’t help thinking it sometimes. It’s not fair and a little part of me hates you for it.”
“I’m not choosing to, you know that. I fought-I’m still fighting as hard as I can, but-”
Jared covers his lips with two fingers. “I know. I know you’re not doing it on purpose and I’m sorry that any part of me blames you for this. But it does, and I can’t reason it away. I spend hours and hours trying to figure out what I did wrong so I can fix it and make you stay, and I know there’s nothing, but I want it to be my fault. I can make it better if it’s my fault.”
Jensen presses his lips to Jared’s tear tracks and breathes in deeply. “I don’t like this conversation.”
Jared laughs a little through a sob. “God, me neither.”
They sit quietly for a long time.
“We should just go to sleep. Big day tomorrow.” Jared pulls up the covers, offering Jensen a little spot in his arms to sleep in. Jensen gladly accepts, rests his head on Jared’s shoulder.
“Okay,” Jensen agrees softly. “Goodnight, Jared.”
Jared’s hold on Jensen gets tighter. “Why does that have to sound like goodbye?”
“It’s just goodnight. Goodnight and see you in the morning, okay?”
“Yeah. Alright.”
Max gets in bright and early the next day, calls to let them know his flight has landed before Jensen’s even awake. They hardly have time to get downstairs and eat breakfast before there’s a knock at the door signaling his son’s arrival.
Jared smiles wide and stands before Jensen gets the chance to.
“I’ll get it,” he says, sounding like a kid on Christmas morning.
Jensen rolls his eyes and turns the television off. He hears the door open a few moments later, and there’s a loud happy greeting, the sound of hands slapping on shoulders as Jared and Max embrace.
“Holy smokes,” Jensen hears Jared say from the hallway. “Look how old you’re getting.”
“You’re one to talk,” Max replies with a laugh. “You’re what, twenty now?”
“Twenty a few times over.”
“You look younger than my kids-as usual, you lucky bastard.”
“How are those little brats anyway? Couldn’t bother to come see their grandpas? And where’s Deb? You still hiding her from me? You can’t keep our love apart forever, ya know.”
Max laughs, but it’s strained. “I, uh…didn’t want the kids to come in case…I didn’t know how bad it would be.”
Jared coughs pointedly. “Your dad’s right this way.”
Seconds later, Jensen’s chair gets slapped by a newspaper.
“Stand up and say hello to your son,” Max says, already holding his arms open for a hug. Jensen stands, smiling wider than he has in months, and does his best to seem energetic.
“Hey, kid.”
“Hey, Dad. You look good.”
“He looks damn good,” Jared agrees, winking at Jensen.
“Jesus, I don’t want to know about it,” Max says, sticking his tongue out like he did when he was an angst-ridden teenager.
Jared smirks. “You eaten yet today?”
Max shakes his head.
“Eggs then! And coffee?”
Max nods, and Jared scurries towards the kitchen. Max waits a few moments before turning back to Jensen.
“How do you feel?”
“I’m still kicking. Honestly. I think that black spider,” Jensen inclines his head towards the kitchen, “cooked up the whole damn illness so you guys wouldn’t get suspicious when he did me in and inherited my fabulous riches.”
“Oh, good. I leave you alone for a few months and now you’re both full of shit.”
“No, really. I won the lotto just last week.”
“In that case, don’t you worry about Jared. I won’t let him inherit all of it.”
Jensen snorts. “It’s nice to have someone on my side.” He sits back in his armchair and waves at the couch. Max follows his cue and sits down. “How’re things?”
“Good! Kids are back in school soon, or I would have brought them.”
Jensen decides not to call Max out on the lie. “How’s the wife?”
“Jared’s making breakfast,” Max answers without missing a beat.
“I should probably defend his honor or something, but he forced me to play his girlfriend last night, so I’m still bitter.”
“Oh, God. He got you up on stage, huh? And you’re still talking to him?”
“I’m getting soft in my old age.”
“Aren’t we all?” Max pauses for a bit before adding, “Mom says ‘hi’, by the way.”
“Really?”
“Yup.”
“So she told you to give Jared a hug from her and you decided to extend the courtesy?” Max makes a guilty face, and Jensen rolls his eyes. “I know your mother, son.”
“Yeah, I guess you do.”
“So, now that we’ve run through all of the other wives in the world, tell me how my daughter-in-law’s doing.”
“She’s good. Sad she couldn’t come visit. Sometimes I think she really is in love with Pa.”
“Eh, that’s alright. She has my blessing to replace me when I’ve, you know…” Jensen plays dead for a few seconds, and Max chuckles softly.
“Well, she doesn’t have my blessing. Kind of liked having her as my wife.”
“You really selfish enough to deny an old man a few creature comforts?”
“Pretty sure Jared’s not interested, anyway.”
Jensen looks down and fidgets his hands in his lap. “Stupidly loyal, that one. Like a dog.”
“He’s not dealing very well, is he?”
“Picked that up already?”
“I expected him to be a mess when I got here. All the smiling is creeping me out.”
“He’s really trying to keep it together. But he’s not coping and…I’m pretty worried about him.”
Max frowns. “Do you think…is there something I can do?”
Jensen shrugs. “Well, let’s just make sure we keep the gallows humor between us, alright?”
“Sure, of course.”
“And, uh…Max?”
“Yeah, Dad?”
“Promise me you’ll look after him. When I-when this is over. I don’t know what he’s gonna do. You gotta make sure he’s not alone.”
“Of course not. After everything he did for me growing up? I’ll take care of him if he’ll let me.”
“No one takes care of Jared,” Jensen says with the faintest hint of a smile. “Just keep him company every now and then. Look out for him. That kind of stuff.”
“Bacon?” Jared asks, sticking his head into the living room. Jensen and Max jump a little, and Max declines. “No bacon? Who raised you?”
Jensen raises an eyebrow at Jared.
“Oh, no, no, no. Don’t give me that look. We had nothing to do with this blasphemy. That’s all Danneel’s doing.”
“She sent you her warm regards, by the way,” Jensen says.
“And told Max to flip you off for her?”
“Not that I know of. Maybe she forgot.”
Max laughs long and loud and heads for the dining room, stopping at the door to whisper to Jared. “She didn’t forget.”
They sit at the table for an hour or so playing catch-up while Max eats and Jared washes up. By the time they’re done, Jensen’s exhausted again and heads upstairs to rest his eyes.
They follow him about twenty minutes later and must think he’s sleeping, because they come into the room and take seats at each side of his bed, talking like he’s not there.
“How bad is it? Honest answer this time,” Max says from the right side of the mattress. Jensen feels Jared’s fingers lightly begin to brush his left hand before he answers.
“Don’t ask me. I’m not a doctor. As far as I’m concerned he’s gonna live forever.”
“And as far as the doctor’s concerned?”
Jared’s silent for a long time, takes Jensen’s hand up slowly, trying not to wake Jensen, and begins to stroke his thumb over it.
“As far as the doctor’s concerned,” Jared scoffs, “He’s already dead. You’re welcome to take sides. Or find a middle ground between the two. Leave me out of it.”
“Pa. I know what this is like for you, but he doesn’t want you to-”
“I know he talked to you, boy, don’t start with me.”
“You know, it’s really annoying when you two read each other’s minds and I get stuck in the middle of it.”
Jared laughs softly, twines his fingers with Jensen’s. “I know what he wants me to do. And believe me, I’m trying to convince myself I can for his sake, but-”
There’s a long silence, and the hold on Jensen’s hand tightens.
“I’ve been in love with this sorry asshole my entire life, did you know that?”
“No, I…”
“Mmm hmm. And, whatever your mother thinks, he did love her. It wasn’t the same, sure, but he loved her. I know because I had to see it and I knew him just as well then as I do now. He was happy with her. But I never…I could never convince myself there was anyone else. I’ve never even gotten close to loving anyone but him.”
Jared brings Jensen’s hand up to his lips and just holds him there for a few seconds.
“I gave him my entire life, Max. I’m not sorry, I’m not trying to make him feel guilty. It’s just the truth. I’ve got nothing left after this. I’m gonna die before he does and he expects me to go on pretending I’m not dead. It’s a lot to ask for.”
“He always was a little demanding,” Max says, trying to lift the mood. “But he means well.”
“God, you poor thing. I shouldn’t be dumping this on you. It’s not like you’re not losing anything here. I just don’t have anyone else. We can’t talk about it. I think it’s too close to home for us both, you know? And he’s being so brave about it. The only thing tripping him up is me. I just wish I could be as strong about it as he is. At least until he’s…”
“Hey, it’s okay.” Max’s voice comes from the opposite side of the bed now. Jensen’s heart sinks when he realizes his son is holding Jared, he can hear the muffled crying. Jensen doesn’t know how long it is before Jared pulls away, but eventually the noise dies out into quiet sniffling.
“He’s probably gonna be out of it for the rest of the day,” Jared says, voice too steady, obviously forced. “Are you coming to see the show tonight?”
“Of course, you know I wouldn’t miss it.”
“Oh, good! Well, we, uh, we won’t be leaving for a few more hours, so you can make yourself at home and all that. I’m gonna stay here with him for a bit.”
“Yeah, sounds good. I could use a shower.”
Jensen hears Max exit the room, pulling the door closed behind him. Then he feels Jared’s side of the bed sink, feels him try to edge in and wrap his body around Jensen’s, even though Jensen’s lying in the middle of the mattress and there’s no way Jared can fit comfortably. Jensen thinks about moving over to give him room, but he doesn’t want Jared to know he heard his confessions and ruin whatever sense of peace they brought him.
Instead he lets the steady rise and fall of Jared’s chest pressed against his side lull him to sleep until they have to get up and go invent yet another life story.
“I cannot believe you made my son play your mother,” Jensen says as he reaches to turn out the light. Jared smiles at him, wide and open and so close to genuine that Jensen tries to memorize it-just in case it’s the last time he sees Jared this happy.
“He didn’t mind. Some people know how to have fun.”
“Hey Jared, remember when we were 16?”
“Yeah? You weren’t fun then, either.”
“You were better looking and your personality was almost endearing.”
Jared scowls. “Blow me.”
“I would if we were still 16.”
“Now I’m feeling nostalgic.”
Jensen thinks of continuing the banter, but he’s tired and decides to put aside the bullshit. “You know I love you, right?”
“Oh, shut the fuck up.”
“No, that’s not the right answer, try again.”
“Are we going to do this every night? Now I’m gonna get all sobby because I know why you’re saying that and you’re going to try to defend it and everything is just going to go on and on and get more depressing and really, what’s the point? You know I love you. I know you love me. Don’t say it. Saying it makes this different and I just want things to stay the way we like them for as long as we can, alright?”
Despite the healthy current of denial, it’s still slightly better than Jared’s attitude of late. At least he’s acknowledging the way things are. Jensen doesn’t see the point of pushing it, so he nods and lies on his pillow facing Jared.
Jared does the same and smiles as his fingers brush Jensen’s face. Jensen lets out a deep breath at the relaxing touch and feels himself starting to slip off. Jared lies quietly for as long as he can, but Jensen can feel how restless he is under his caress. He’s not surprised when Jared speaks, cutting into the sleepy haze Jensen had been so happily sinking into.
“Jensen?”
“What now?”
“Tell me a story.”
Jensen buries his face in his pillow and makes a content sound. He does as instructed, tells Jared the story of their lives. There are dogs instead of dragons, trips to Chinatown instead of Shanghai, nobody dies and has to be resurrected.
Jensen doesn’t have the creativity Jared’s never had to try for, and his speech is disjointed, forgetful, probably more than a little boring to listen to. He hopes that Jared can see past that, can feel everything Jensen does when he speaks and realize that, whatever details alter, the spirit of their stories is the same. The happiness is just as strong in Jensen’s story. Maybe the truth in it even makes it stronger.
It’s not long before Jensen catches on that Jared’s asleep, but, when he pulls back to look at him, there’s a perfect calm in his features, a smile more genuine than Jensen’s seen in over six months. He thinks of calling it a night then, but Jared deserves better. Resting his head on Jared’s shoulder, he goes on with the story, hoping that some part of it is still reaching Jared, so Jared can know for sure just how much Jensen appreciates the things he’s done.
He quiets just before things get ugly, before he has to mention hospitals he’s visited too often, or the fact that the next time he goes to one he probably won’t leave. He just stops talking and can finally appreciate firsthand why Jared finds so much comfort in skipping the ending in his stories. His fingers clutch the fabric of Jared’s shirt tightly, and he pushes those thoughts away, follows Jared’s example and drops off to sleep.
Jared is still smiling the next morning.
