Real Person Fic - CW: Off the Menu [3/3]
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PART THREE
So, there it is. The whole sad story of how Jensen ended up here, trapped in his own diner, watching the procession of men Jared runs through night after night, his help unwelcome and his ability to walk away from the whole mess more compromised by the moment.
It's the way Jared says his name, so sweet and full of meaning, and Jensen knows, he knows it'll be someone else's name Jared's screaming soon. But every day he resolves to put his foot down, to tell Jared to go somewhere else if he has to do this, and every night he sees the caged animal look in the back of Jared's eyes, hidden behind all that hair and so many easy smiles.
Jensen wasn't there when Jared needed him, that's what it boils down to. This never would have happened if it wasn't for him. And at the end of the day, he can't, can't, can't chase Jared away if this is what he needs now.
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Like any good addict, Jensen immediately switches himself onto late shifts in defiance of all logic and has Jeff take over as day manager. He sets things up the next night so that he can catch Jared if he shows up again and is there when Jared comes in just after midnight, another guy on his heels.
Jensen watches them cross the diner, until Jared takes his usual spot at the corner table, and that makes him smile, even if the rest of it is just confusing. Standing up, Jensen can see the way Jared's dressed: much too tight t shirt riding up on him, exposing most of his stomach, his jeans slung low on his hips. It's not the shabby hand-me-downs he used to wear, but there's something vulgar in the outfit and the sway in his walk.
The guy Jared is with tonight-decidedly not Mark-is huge, built like a brick wall. He shoves himself in on the same side of the booth as Jared and slings his arm over Jared's shoulder possessively. Jared gives him a tight smile as he tries to put a few inches of room between them, but the guy is oblivious or indifferent to Jared's discomfort.
It makes Jensen's blood boil, but he manages to walk his way over, plaster on a big smile and go through his welcome spiel much better than he had the night before. If Jared is surprised to see him back again, he doesn't show it. Just orders a turkey sandwich like this is the most regular thing in the world.
When Jensen returns with the food, the guy's hand is high on Jared's thigh, trying to go higher as Jared pushes it down and away.
"Not here," he's saying. "Later."
"C'mon, darlin', don't make me wait all night."
Jensen sets the plates down hard, enjoying the way the asshole draped over Jared starts at the sound of the glass clattering on the tabletop. He doesn't rush away like he had the night before; instead he stands at the end of the table glaring down. "Is there anything else I can get you?"
"Nah, this is fine," the guy says, looking up at Jensen like he can't imagine where in the world the hostility is coming from.
Jared smiles in that off way again and says, "Thanks, Jensen."
He watches from the kitchen this time for twenty full minutes until Jared gets up and heads to the bathroom. The guy he's with lets him through, watching Jared's ass as he walks away and then giving his burger a smug smile.
Jensen's hands bunch into fists, and he starts walking without even thinking, ignoring the "Jensen, you okay?" Kim shouts after him.
He slides into the booth across from the guy, and the man lifts his head, tilting it to the side a bit. "Uh, hello?"
"He's sixteen," Jensen snaps. "Did you know that?"
The guy shrugs. "Told me he was eighteen."
"Well, he's not." Jensen narrows his eyes. "Does that make you reconsider anything about the way your night's going?"
The guy laughs. "Far as I'm concerned, he's eighteen."
"How about if I call the cops?" Jensen asks. "You gonna change your mind if I do that?"
"I've got a wife, family, a respectable job." The asshole smiles. "Who do you think is gonna have more trouble if you call the cops, me or the kid?"
Jensen's lips thin, and before he can say anything else, Jared is hovering above them. "Ty, Jensen, is there a problem?"
Ty grins at Jensen and scoots over, making room for Jared under his arm, and Jensen stands up as soon as Jared slots in, feeling powerless and upset and just plain sad. "I was just telling Jensen here how perfectly cooked this burger is."
Jared smiles. "Told you the food here was good."
Jensen takes the check out of his pocket and shoves it at Ty without bothering to ask if they want anything else and grabs Jared by the shoulder, pulling him outside. "I need to talk to you."
As soon as the door shuts behind them, Jensen rounds on him.
"Who is that guy? Why are you dressed like that?" Jared's cheeks turn the patchy pink color that always used to make Jensen laugh as he blushes and looks down at himself, one of his hands skating over his stomach as if he's trying to cover up. Jensen waits a beat for Jared to answer, and when he doesn't, he demands, "Tell me this isn't what it looks like."
"Jensen," Jared says. "Please don't get upset."
"You can't be intending to let that fucking guy-you're not-"
"What?" Jared asks. He lifts his head, and he's still bright pink, but there's a look of defiance in his expression now that Jensen's never seen. "You can't say it? Come on, Jensen. It's not like you had big aspirations for me. This really that surprising?"
"Not this," he says. "Anything but this. You-you don't like to be touched."
Jared frowns and then smooths it out into a neutral expression. "It's not so bad when you're getting paid for it."
"Yes, it is," says Jensen. "Jared, you're just a kid. How long has this been going on?"
He looks down and shrugs. "I couldn't keep bouncing around. I couldn't run away without any money, but I didn't wanna keep going from one shitty home to the next, man, I couldn't do that anymore. So I did what I needed to in order to take care of myself. It's better this way."
For a long moment, Jensen just stands there, dumbfounded. Every question he thinks to ask is worse than the one before. It doesn't seem possible that a kid could just slip through like this, that no one cared enough to catch it. But then, knowing how Jared's life had been before, maybe it's not really that surprising.
"This whole time, then," he says. "Almost two years."
"Yeah," Jared answers. "Since that night, pretty much."
"You should have just taken the money," he says, and he probably doesn't really mean it, but damn does he feel like it right now. Jensen knows he can't say it out loud, but everything in him is shouting that this is all his fault. If he hadn't driven Jared away that night, this never would have happened.
"And shut down Baby's?" Jared huffs a laugh. "For what? I would have ended up like this sooner or later. Why not sooner?"
"No. You wouldn't. You don't have to do this," Jensen says. "Tell that guy to go fuck himself. Come work in my kitchen, I'll make sure you make enough to-."
Jared barks out a laugh. "You can't trust me in your kitchen."
That stuns Jensen into silence, and he shakes his head. He hadn't meant to make Jared feel that way. "You didn't take anything. You could have gotten away easy if you had, and you didn't. Anyone else would have. Of course I trust you."
"Well, I don't," Jared replies. He bites his lip, a habit he's always had, and Jensen's stomach drops when he hears how sad Jared sounds. "That I even considered it. After everything you'd given me-I know what kind of person I am."
Jensen shakes his head, but he's too crushed to even speak. He wants to grab Jared and shake him, try to make him see how wrong he is, but all he can do is stand there with his mouth hanging open.
Finally, Jared steps forward and touches his face. "Please don't look at me like that, Jensen. Like you're disappointed in me. I never meant for you to find out."
"Then why would you come to my diner?"
Jared smiles weakly. "Missed it so much. Missed…the food here tastes like home. I. Know how stupid that sounds, but. I thought I could do you a favor, bring in some business during slow hours and get to spend a little time here. I didn't think you'd work this shift. I didn't want you to know. I just needed…this."
He stops to think on it, doing some math in his head, and realizes things have been steadier during the late weekend hours over the last month or so. Not enough that he'd bothered to question why, but recognizable once it's been pointed out. He never would have known if not for the call-out yesterday. He might have never seen Jared again.
Jared reaches out to touch Jensen's hand, which gets his attention, but then he thinks better of it and lets go. "You don't have to worry about it, okay? We don't do business here. I know this isn't that kind of place. I would never bring you that reputation. I just have them come here for food, before or after. I make it worth their while, but never here, I swear."
"You think that's what I'm worried about, Jared?" Jensen asks, searching Jared's face. "Is that who you think I am?"
"I know who you are," Jared replies. He cups one of Jensen's cheeks and smiles. "You don't have to worry about me anymore. I'm not that little boy. I can handle myself. Couldn't just keep running to you, ruining your life, every time I had a problem, could I?"
"Yes." Jensen takes Jared's hand off his face, holding it between his own. "Yes, you could have."
"Well, I won't." Jared looks toward the restaurant, where his asshole client is probably starting to get antsy, and seems to be considering something before he says, "I really need this, Jen. I know you don't want to hear it. I know you don't want to see it. But please, don't judge me for this. Don't hate me. I couldn't bear it and-I really need this place. Trying to stay away was the hardest thing I've ever done, and if I lose it again, I don't know what I'll do."
Jensen hates everything about this, but the way Jared's looking at him is physically painful. He knows if he pushes back any more than he already has, he might just push Jared away forever. The kid is so hard to hold on to. "Tell me you're safe, at least. Tell me you don't let them near you without protection."
"I am now," Jared promises, and when Jensen jumps up at the last word, he holds his hands out defensively. "There were a few mistakes, at the beginning. I didn't know how to handle them as well as I do now. It’s been a long time since-"
"Have you been tested?"
Jared shakes his head, and Jensen kicks the ground. "I want test results in your hands the next time you come here, are we clear?"
"Yes," Jared says, his voice shaky. "But I can come back? No matter what the tests say?"
"Yeah," Jensen answers, softening. "You're always welcome at Baby's."
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Three nights later, he gets home as the sun is starting to appear on the horizon. Sadie is waiting for him outside, and she follows him with her tail wagging madly as he lets himself in.
Sadie had shown up just a few months after Jared dropped out of his life, clearly abandoned and looking for a sucker. She'd reminded him of Jared with her big, sad eyes, so thin her ribs showed on the sides, and that was really all it had taken. Jensen fell for it just as easily with the dog as he had with the lost little boy on the street.
He gave her the name Jared had once told him he would like for a dog if he could have his own, back when they were both just kids, when it was Jared's favorite thing to sit and dream up better lives for himself. It's hard to think that that little boy was the same person who handed him the envelope he's clutching too tight now.
Jared had been afraid of them. He shoved the results into Jensen's hands on his way to the usual table, not stopping to say anything except, "I couldn't look. Want it to come from you. Just tell me tomorrow."
Jensen couldn't really argue with that. He'd been the one to demand Jared get tested, so he's the one that gets stuck finding out what kind of news exactly it was he asked for.
He turns on the living room lights and drops his bag on the floor, sitting on the couch with the envelope held out in front of him. His hands are shaking as he stares at it, and Sadie must sense how tense he is, because she jumps up next to him, butting her head against his arm supportively.
Finally, Jensen tears the flap open and makes himself look. It's like the entire galaxy stops rotating and starts going in another direction the way everything changes between one second and the next. Clean. Everything is negative, despite the odds. Jared is healthy.
Jensen doesn't even realize how worried he had truly been until he feels his eyes about to fill with relieved tears. He grabs Sadie and presses a kiss to her little brown head, and she yips cheerfully, always happy to celebrate, regardless of if she knows what the occasion is.
He tells Jared as he's on his way out the next night, the john already halfway to his car.
"You got lucky this time," he says, and the anxiousness in Jared's expression disappears. Jensen cuffs him on the back of the head as pulls at the door. "Don't you ever do that again."
Jared turns to smile and winks at him. "Only for you."
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The next night, Jared comes in and orders a Caesar salad. Jensen stops, wondering if he heard that right, and can't hold himself back from asking, "Do my ears deceive me? Is that Jared deigning to eat vegetables?"
"I'm not happy about it," Jared clarifies.
His john laughs, and Jensen has to restrain himself from giving the guy stink-eye for injecting himself into the conversation. "Why are you ordering it, then?"
"I finished sandwiches yesterday," Jared says, pointing to the menu. "Salads are next."
"You go through the menu in order?" the guy asks, and Jensen feels silly for not noticing it sooner. "Why don't you just order what you want?"
"Can't choose, everything's so good," Jared answers dismissively. He looks up and smiles, and Jensen's chest expands knowing that smile is just for him. "Even the salads."
He knows that's not really why, but he holds his peace in front of the customer. "I'll never hear you say it again."
"Nope!"
The john reaches out to get Jared's attention focused back on him. "Say, you seem to know the food here pretty well. What would you recommend?"
"Everything," Jared replies. "Try the sloppy joes. Or chicken tenders. Oh, I want a milkshake. Can I get a milkshake?"
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It's a cobb salad the next time, southwest chicken the night after, and it's not until Jared's last salad night-when instead of a greeting, Jared just announces "Hot dogs tomorrow!" that Jensen can't keep his curiosity in check any longer.
He waits until the john Jared is with has gone off to the bathroom, and then he slides into the table across from Jared. "Tell me why."
"Why?" Jared parrots back. "Why what? The meaning of life or something? Because that's way above my paygrade."
"Don’t be a smartass," Jensen says, though, really, that's hopeless and he knows Jared's thinking the same thing from the way he beams at Jensen across the table. "Why do you go through the menu in order?"
"Just a thing I've been doing since I got back," says Jared. "I'm on my second cycle, did you know that?"
Jensen laughs. "I think you're the only person aside from me who's had everything we make here."
"That's a very distinguished club I'm in, then."
Jared is deflecting, and maybe Jensen should just let it go, but he can't. "Jared, tell me."
"Hey, I think Richard is coming back, so you should probably not be sitting there when he-"
"Yeah, okay," Jensen says. "I get it."
Almost three months pass, two more cycles through the menu, before Jared tells him why. He'd given up asking but never stopped wondering. Jensen is leaning against the side of the Impala, on one of his breaks, when suddenly there's someone else there with him.
Jared leans on the door right next to Jensen, in his space, but it's not like Jensen is going to complain. He looks up at the sky for a few seconds, smiles, and then says, "Nice night."
"Cool for September," Jensen agrees. He turns to Jared. "Shouldn't you be with your client?"
"He's on the phone." Jared laughs and leans in. "With his wife."
"Ah," Jensen says, because he doesn't know what else to say, and Jared doesn't push him. "Does he treat you okay?"
"This guy?" He shrugs. "Better than some, worse than others."
"You know it's not too late to take a jo-"
"It keeps me going," Jared says. "When things are really bad. When I start thinking it might be easier to just end this. I almost did once. That's what made me come back here. Now, when I want to walk in front of a car-" Jensen flinches, and Jared stops to give him a reassuring smile. "I know I won't, because I can't stop in the middle of the menu like that. Have to get to the end of the menu. I know it's stupid, but it's enough to get to the next day and the day after and sometimes that's-anyway. You wanted to know why I do it, so that's why."
Jensen blinks a few times, a little thrown off by the idea that his silly diner menu could possibly keep someone alive. Thankful for it, though.
"And now that you're here, that helps too. If I ever think about trying something, drugs or drinking or whatever. Lots of the people who work my block end up on something. Trying to forget." Jared looks over at him and smiles. "I just remind myself that I can't show up here like that. I can't let you see me like that again, not after everything you've already forgiven me for."
He steps a little closer and presses a chaste kiss to Jensen's cheek, then puts his lips to Jensen's ear and whispers, "I hope you don't think you aren't doing enough for me, because you save my life every day."
Jensen goes home, and instead of immediately falling into bed, he sits up for hours, working on a new menu. Getting them printed costs at least much as Jared and his johns have brought in, but it's worth every cent to Jensen. He waits until Jared finishes his fifth cycle before retiring the old menu and brings the new one out with way more enthusiasm than a simple menu update should merit.
Of course, Jared notices right away. "The menu changed," he says the next night instead of hello, and Jensen nods.
"What do you think?"
"It's shorter," Jared observes.
Jensen trimmed it down so that the whole thing could be gotten through in one month. He has his cover story all lined up on that front. "Cut a few of our less popular dishes. Cost savings, you know how it goes."
"Uh huh," Jared says. "Added a few things, too."
"Don't want any loyal customers to get bored with the smaller selection."
Jared drops his act then, lets all his happiness shine through. "Only four salads."
"But all healthier than the previous ones," Jensen tells him.
Instead of putting up the token protest, Jared sets the menu down and points to the box in the very bottom corner. "This is new."
Jensen had been a little nervous about that, but he can see the softness in Jared's eyes as his fingers rest over the new promotion.
"Go through the whole menu and get a free meal," Jared says. "What an oddly specific offer."
"Is it?" Jensen asks, hardly hiding his smile. "Seemed like a good way to reward loyalty. Well, let me know if you find anyone I owe five meals to."
Over the next week, Jared comes to Baby's alone. He sits and orders exactly what he wants, and Jensen takes his break so they can eat together. It feels for a short time the way it had before-when things were easy and fun between them, and Jensen hadn't ruined anything with wanting.
But on the fifth night, when he tries to convince Jared to come alone again tomorrow, Jared reminds him that he's all out of freebies, as if that escaped Jensen's notice.
Still, once a month, Jensen gets Jared all to himself, no johns at the table listening in on what should be his and Jared's, no stolen moments during bathroom breaks and phone calls. It gives them both something to look forward to.
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On Jared's 17th birthday, Jensen bakes a chocolate cake. It's the first time he tries to use his mother's recipe since she passed, and the result, while passable to the untrained heart, is a disappointment to Jensen. It's not as good as hers, though he can't put his finger on what's wrong with it.
He dresses it up the way he always used to do for Jared-name written in fudge on the plate, a small mountain of whipped cream, and of course sprinkles. Kid loves his sprinkles.
When Jared finishes his meal, Jensen sets the plate down. "Happy birthday," he says, and then he turns to glare at Jared's client. "Don't share it."
The face the stranger makes is so confused that Jensen has to rush back to the kitchen in order to keep himself from laughing right in the guys' face. But he watches Jared enjoy his dessert through the order window, happy to observe that he doesn't pause in wolfing it down long enough for the guy to even think about trying to sneak so much as a forkful.
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The dam breaks eventually. It was bound to happen, Jensen realizes that as soon as it begins, and, really, considering the circumstances, Jensen thinks he's been a pretty good sport about the person he's in love with-who he has always been in love with-constantly being in his diner with other men. He made it the better half of a year before breaking.
Jensen knows something is wrong as soon as he stops at Jared's table, gives him and the slimey motherfucker he's sitting with his usual greeting. Jared doesn't turn to smile up at him. He stays very still, his head bowed, and quietly orders the breakfast platter. If Jensen didn't know where Jared had stopped yesterday, he would have had to ask him to repeat the order.
"Nah," the john replies. "Get him the oatmeal. It's cheaper."
"He's getting the breakfast platter," Jensen insists. "What do you want?"
"I told you he ain't," the man replies. "Don't need all that food for one little rat anyway. Do you?"
"It's fine," Jared says, still holding his position. "I'll have the oatmeal."
Years old instincts claw up inside of Jensen, and he very suddenly knows exactly what's happening.
"Jared, look at me."
Jared shakes his head. "Please, just go away, Jensen."
"Look at me," he says again and finally Jared does. Lifts his head so Jensen can see his black eye, busted lip. Jensen gets a feeling of déjà-vu he never, ever wanted to experience again.
And suddenly, almost a decade of anger and helplessness rushes to the surface. He's seen Jared hurt like this so many times before. He's never had the object of his wrath sitting right in front of him.
"I'll kill him," he says, slapping his order pad and pencil down on the table.
"Jensen, please, it's not a big deal. I'm fine."
"I'm going to fucking kill him."
"What's that?" the douchebag asks, rising to his feet.
"You heard me," Jensen answers, stepping forward. "I'm gonna rip your fucking throat out."
The guy lifts his arm, and Jared jumps up, grabbing it. "Travis, please, don't. Don't hurt him. Don't hurt him."
He shoves Jared back into the booth. "Stay out of this. If your boyfriend here wants to make threats, then he can handle whatever happens."
"Me," Jared says, sitting up and trying to get between them again. "Jensen, stand back, okay. I'll talk to him." He looks to the john. "I'll give you your next time free. You can do anything you want to me. For the love of god, don't hurt him."
Jensen turns to look at Jared, shaking his head. "Jared. You let him do this to you?"
"It's okay," Jared insists again. "He's a regular. It's okay."
"It's not fucking okay," Jensen barks. "You let him do this regularly?"
"If you care so much, why don't you throw as much money at the worthless little fag as I have?" Travis gives Jensen a once-over and snorts. "Let me guess, you can’t afford it."
"That's enough," Jared says. "Let's just go."
"I came here to get my meal, I'm not leaving hungry."
"I'm not feeding you," Jensen says. "Get the fuck out of my restaurant. Right now. My staff are by the phone. You wanna talk to the cops tonight? You want them to look at that kid's black eye?"
The guy waits a few seconds, then turns. "Let's go, Jared. If you're so hungry you can get something after I'm done with you."
"He's not going anywhere," Jensen says. "Now leave before I lose it."
"Go on, throw a punch, son. Let's see how fast your sorry ass excuse for a restaurant gets shut down after you start picking fights with customers."
Jensen launches at him, but before he can do it, Osric is behind him, pulling him away. Jared stands up once he sees that the fight isn't immediately going to happen and puts himself between Jensen and Travis.
"You should go," he says.
"Yeah, I'm going," Travis tells him. "You won't be seeing business again for a long goddamn time after I let everyone know this is how you treat loyal clients."
"Good!" Jensen yells at the man's retreating back. "Tell everyone. I'll kill the next one of them who goes near him."
"Okay," Osric says, patting Jensen on the shoulder. "We've got other customers man, you need to calm down."
Jensen takes a deep breath and looks around, realizing that the few people who are in the diner at this hour are all staring at him slack-jawed.
He shakes Osric off and sees that at some point, Kim left the kitchen, and now she's standing in front of him with her arms crossed over her chest. "Go home and cool off."
Nodding, Jensen tries to leave, but then Jared steps forward.
"I didn't want to bring him here," he says, reaching for Jensen's sleeve, but Jensen evades the touch. "I tried to tell him-he insisted. I was scared. I'm sorry, Jensen, I'm so so-"
"You choose that over working for me?" Jensen asks him. "Letting people hurt you is better than working for me?"
Jared's face drops in response, and normally Jensen would do anything in his power to make him feel better. Right now, he can't see anything through how hurt he is. He turns away from Jared and stomps out the front entrance, opposite the one Travis had left through, though a part of him almost hopes the sonofabitch is still out there.
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Jared finds him outside twenty minutes later, leaning against the back of the Impala and looking out at nothing in particular. He doesn't hesitate for a moment before climbing up, sitting on Baby's trunk like he's at home.
Jensen expects him to say something, but they're both quiet for several minutes until finally Jensen makes himself speak. "I need you to stop coming here, Jared."
He's expecting some kind of pushback on that, and when Jared's completely silent, he turns to look up and see Jared's face hovering above him. Jared isn't crying, hardly even looks upset, and Jensen can't even breathe without shaking, feels like he's tearing his heart out with his blunt nails.
"Did you hear me?" he asks. "I mean it this time. I know-I know why you do what you do. And I know why you feel like you have to. I wish you would just take honest work in my stupid diner, but I get why you won't. But this…I can't keep doing this, I'm sorry. You gotta stop coming here."
"I can't do that," Jared says, simple as anything. "I won't. I tried. For twenty months I tried. Couldn't do it."
Jensen shakes his head and looks down at his hands, rubbing his thumb over his callused palm. "I don't mean that you're not welcome here. Of course you are. But you can't come with them. Please, just don't bring them. Come alone. Whenever you want just, please, Jared."
"Not gonna be a drain on you. Not again." Jared's voice thins a little when he says, "Would hardly ever be able to come here without them paying."
"You know I would never charge you," Jensen answers.
"I would never charge you," Jared echoes back softly, his fingers grazing Jensen's shoulder, and Jensen recoils from the touch, turning to face him.
"Let's not do this," Jensen says.
Jared watches him with a pleading expression that could end Jensen's world. "Let me make you feel good for once," he begs. "I feel like every time I see you, I just make you that much more miserable."
"I'm in love with you," he says.
Jared's mouth turns up at the edges, but there's no surprise there. He says, "I know," as if Jensen's just told him the most obvious thing in the world, and Jensen is humiliated. He tried to hide, but of course Jared knows all the signs. It makes him wonder how many losers like Jensen Jared has drooling over him, completely fucking lost and willing to give up everything for one little touch.
"You've always loved me," Jared says.
Jensen can feel his skin burning with shame all the way up to his ears. Jared hops down from the car and takes Jensen's wrist and Jensen tries to struggle away, but Jared holds fast until finally he stops, lets the kid have his way like he always has. He lifts his eyes just enough for them to meet Jared's, and Jared is watching him with an expression Jensen doesn't understand.
"You're the only one who ever did," Jared says in a whisper. "I can't for the life of me figure out why, but you're the only person in the world who's ever loved me."
"Then you should know how much this kills me." Jensen lets Jared keep his hands but he cuts his eyes away, knowing he'll choke on these words if he can see Jared as he says them. "Watching the way they treat you. Knowing what they've gotten and that they don't deserve you. They don't even appreciate it. They take you apart and spit you out and they don't even know how lucky they are. None of them. I would give you anything you asked for, but I can't keep watching them get you and know I'll never-"
"I'm right here," Jared says, his hand slipping behind Jensen's ear, making Jensen shiver. "You can have me, too."
All he wants is to melt into Jared's arms as he tries to wrap them around, but instead he puts his hand on Jared's chest to stop him. He looks up, directly into Jared's eyes and says, "I don't just want that. I can't just take that and move along the next morning like they do. I don't want you to fuck me to settle some debt you think you owe me. You don't owe me anything."
"Okay," Jared tells him. "First of all, yeah. I do. I owe you everything. I'll never be able to pay you back what I owe you. Not with the johns bringing you business, not on my knees, not in your bed. That's not why I'm offering."
"You don't understand what-"
"And second," Jared interrupts. "What I don't understand-what I have never been able to understand-is how someone as good as you could love someone as broken as me and imagine for even a moment that I don't love you back."
Jensen shakes his head. "You don't. You don't want me. It's okay that you don't, but please don't pretend. Please stop trying to offer me that as if it's payment."
Jared pulls him toward the car. He gets up onto the trunk again and pats the spot next to him. "Sit. Listen."
He does as he's told, and Jared takes his hand, pulling it between both of his own and looking down as he begins to trace lines with his fingers.
"I know why you think I'm just trying to give you what you want. All those other times I offered, you know, I did want you then. I said it all wrong because I was a dumb kid. I didn't know any other way to say it. No one had ever given me another way to think about it except for you, and you're right. I didn't understand, at the time, why it upset you so much."
Jared stops for a moment and takes a deep breath, and something wet falls onto Jensen's hand. It takes him a few seconds to catch up, to realize Jared is crying. "I thought there was something wrong with me. Some of them told me that. That it was me, that I was so bad I made them want the things they did to me, so it was my fault. I believed them. I was just a kid, and the only person I ever wanted was the only one who pushed me away. You were so good. I thought I was so bad you wouldn't come near me. I thought that was why you hated yourself for wanting me."
"Jared, that wasn't ever-"
Jared wipes at his cheeks and laughs as he lifts his head, just enough to look at Jensen. "Fuck, I know. I know that now. I'm not a child anymore, whatever you might tell yourself. It took me years to figure it out, but I realized one day. You pushed me away because that was what I needed you to do. Even though I wanted you, I needed someone who wouldn't take that from me, who tried to make me feel like I was worth something without it. That's why I love you. You always did what was right for me, even when it wasn't what you wanted, or even what I wanted."
"That still leaves us where we started," Jensen says. "I can't have you. I've accepted that. But you can't keep parading them through here. It's not fair to me, and I can't lose it like I did tonight. This is my business, Jared. I can't make another scene like that."
"Why can't you have me?" Jared asks. "I don't need you to push me away now. I need-god, Jensen. I don't expect you to put up with me forever. Just once. I want it to be good just once. Please."
"Just once," Jensen repeats. "That's why."
"I told you, years ago. I told you wrong, but I meant it. As long as you want me, I am yours."
Jensen looks up to read Jared's expression. He looks sincere, and everything he's saying is everything Jensen never let himself imagine Jared saying. "Promise that if we do this tonight, you won't be back on the street tomorrow. Promise me, Jared."
"Take me home," Jared says. "I promise. And I wanna go home."
He jumps down from the Impala, and Jared follows him across the parking lot. The drive is quick and quiet. Jensen is almost afraid to talk, convinced he'll say something wrong and watch this fragile hope tumble down like a city built of stacked jam packets and salt shakers.
When they get out of the car, Jared takes his hand and kisses him. It's deep and it's needy but it's the first time Jensen doesn't feel dirty with Jared's mouth against his. They walk in a tangle, tripping over tree branches and steps until they reach the front door.
Then Sadie snaps them out of it, her sharp barking making Jared pull back with surprise. "You have a dog?"
Jensen opens the door, and out pours brown fur and wagging tail, and she jumps up on Jared as she sniffs him, trying to assess if he's a threat or a six foot tall ham.
"Down, Sadie," Jensen says feeling the tips of his ears burn as Jared turns to look at him.
He smiles as he pats her sides and eventually her head, once Jensen has managed to drag her back down onto her feet and off of Jared. "You named your dog Sadie?"
"Shut up, Jared," Jensen replies, which only makes Jared's grin widen.
He practically tackles that grin, kissing Jared again and shoving him back, in the direction of his bedroom. Jared half-laughs into the kiss as he pulls Jensen along, walking backward and bumping into every piece of rearranged furniture.
"Think maybe I should have been the one to go in blind," Jensen says. As soon as he breaks his mouth away to talk, Jared is sucking at his neck instead, like he can't bear not to taste Jensen for even a moment.
"Don't mind," Jared says as he bumps into another corner. "No time to think."
They reach Jensen's room (okay, they crash into the door) a few seconds later, and Jared lets Jensen turn him enough so that he's the one groping for the handle. He finds it on muscle memory and as soon as they're through, Jared is working at his belt, stripping off his jeans with expert speed that makes Jensen's head spin.
He pulls back to watch Jared's pants fall to the ground, no underwear underneath, and then Jared pulls his shirt over his head, struggling a bit with the too-tight fabric before finally he's free.
Jensen watches his muscles, the way his broad chest tapers down into thin hips. Jared's ribs show a bit on his sides, but he's still so beautiful it makes Jensen stop to realize everything that's wrong with himself. He's halfway through the buttons on his shirt, and Jared steps forward to help, making Jensen turn his face away as Jared finishes and slips it down his shoulders, exposing the undershirt that does nothing to hide his soft belly and pale skin, much less enticing than what Jared just revealed.
But Jared slips his fingers under the thin white fabric anyway, touching his stomach lightly, letting his fingers ghost up over his chest as he forces the shirt up. Once he has Jensen's chest bare, he reaches out, thumb brushing over one of Jensen's nipples, and Jensen takes a quick breath.
He'd forgotten how sensitive they were. Truth is, it's been a long time since Jensen got laid-before Jared started showing up again-and he hadn't seen a whole lot of action before then, too busy with the diner for more than an occasional fuck. Jared has a world of experience, and Jensen had never believed this would happen, so he never stopped to wonder if he would be a disappointment.
"Hey," Jared says, leaning in to kiss him. "What's wrong?"
Jensen shakes his head, trying to say nothing, but Jared doesn't give him a chance. He walks Jensen to the bed and lies him flat on his back. As soon as Jensen is settled, Jared climbs on top of him, kissing him and pulling Jensen's hands to his hips.
"You couldn't imagine how gorgeous you are right now," Jared says. "Don't try to hide from me, Jen."
Then he starts on Jensen's belt, but it's not the rushed, businesslike way he'd gotten his own off. Jared takes his time undoing the buckle, pressing kisses to Jensen's mouth until it's slipped out of the last loop, and then he breaks away.
He doesn't quite get off of Jensen, but he changes his angle, so he's hovering over Jensen but not sitting on him, and his mouth begins to work its way down, until he reaches Jensen's stomach and playfully nips at the skin. Jensen lets out a yelp and wiggles up off the bed, and Jared looks up at him with the same bright little smile he used to have when he brought Jensen an A on a test they'd studied for together.
And just like that, all of Jensen's muscles relax, his brain stops worrying about not being good enough. Everything becomes so easy, because this is Jared and it's just them. He looks back down at Jared with a mirroring smile and Jared pops the button on Jensen's pants, sliding the zipper down with agonizing pressure on his dick and then pulling it out, beginning to work Jensen's shaft to hardness.
"I'm here," Jared murmurs, like he's trying to convince himself as much as Jensen. "I've got you."
"Please don't, I'll-" Jensen gasps as Jared twists his wrist and he slaps his hand down on the sheets. "Jared, I don't want to come like that. I want-"
"What?" Jared asks, sitting up. Not quite releasing his grasp on Jensen's cock, but setting a pace that's both bliss and agony, not nearly enough to ever get him off, but feeling too good to get tired of. "Tell me how you want it. I'll do anything."
Jensen frowns, reaching out to trace the line of Jared's jaw. "This isn't like that. Don't make this like that."
"I don't know how else to…I've never," he blushes and looks away, "this is a first for me."
He raises an eyebrow. "What, topping?"
"No, I've topped," Jared answers. He moves back up the bed so his body is lined up with Jensen's. "I've done pretty much all the acts you can think of, but I've never enjoyed it. No one's ever asked me what I want."
Jensen's not surprised by that exactly, but it still makes him take a pause. "Jared, are you sure you're ready for this? We don't have to tonight. Or ever. You can tell me to stop."
He laughs. "I don't know what I like, but I know I want you. I've waited so many years already. You can't imagine how many times I got through it by pretending it was you."
"Okay," Jensen says, reaching out to sooth his hand through Jared's hair. "Tell me what you don't want."
"I don't…" Jared licks his lips and looks down at the bed. "I don't think I ever want anyone inside of me again. Is that-is that okay?"
Jensen smiles and nods as he kisses Jared. "That's good. That's a start." He noses his way across Jared's jaw and presses his lips to the shell of Jared's ears. "Do you wanna fuck me? Wanna put that big dick in me? I've thought about that so many times."
Jared lets out a groan and Jensen takes that as a yes, so he rolls with it, easing Jared onto his back. He pushes his pants and underwear the last bit off and throws his leg over Jared, straddling him. "Want me to ride you?" he offers. "Fuck, I wanna watch you while I do all the work. Wanna see you lose it for me."
"Jensen," Jared gasps. "Yes, that. Please. Please."
He nods and reaches to the nightstand, just hardly managing to get it open, and pulling out a tube of lube and some condoms.
Jensen pops the cap on the lube and spreads it between his fingers. "You wanna open me? Or do you just want to watch?"
Jared's eyes move from Jensen's hands to his hard cock, and he swallows. "Right now, I want to watch."
"Good, okay," Jensen says with a dirty grin. "I can put on a show for you," he says, lifting his hips and trying to get one finger in at the awkward angle. "I've done this so many times, Jared, wishing it was you inside me."
"Let me see," Jared urges, so Jensen turns around, spreading his cheeks and making sure his ass is on level with Jared's face.
He rearranges himself and then shoves in two fingers, even though he'd hardly gotten started with the first. Jared makes a sound that's so hot it's worth the slight burn, and then Jensen starts to work at himself, fingers crooking to find the right spot.
Jared doesn't join in, but he does get his hands on Jensen's ass, helping to widen his cheeks, thumb tracing over the rim of Jensen's hole as he works at himself. Under him, Jared is thrusting up into nothing, and his dick is huge and pink and perfect. Jensen watches it as if he's mesmerized, nearly crying out as he fucks himself and thinks about how in just a few minutes, all that cock is going to be inside him.
"Can I-you seen enough, Jared?"
He laughs. "Yeah. Yes. Please, Jensen. Want it. Think I'm gonna burst."
Jensen grabs a condom and gets off of Jared just long enough to roll it onto him. Then he's straddling Jared again, letting him hold himself steady as Jensen lowers onto his cock, inch by perfect inch.
For a few moments, he adjusts to the burn, watching Jared as he takes heavy breaths. Then he reaches down, cupping Jared's face with his hands. "You good?"
"Move," Jared demands, grabbing Jensen's hips with bruising force. "God, Jensen, move."
That makes him smile, reassures him that he's not making Jared do anything he doesn’t want. So he does as he's told, pulling up and moving back down again, slow at first. It takes a few tries before he finds the perfect angle, but as soon as he does, he throws his head back on a shout, speeding up in his desperation to feel it again.
Jared tries to help, thrusting up, but Jensen grounds him, pushes his hips into the mattress. "Just let me, Jared," he says. "I feel good. I wanna make you feel good. You don't have to do anything."
Under him, Jared turns his face into his pillow and makes a desperate sound, and Jensen moves again, real fast, fucking himself on Jared's dick with as much finesse as he can manage. Every nerve in his body jumps when Jared's cock hits his prostate, making them both groan in unison.
His thighs start to burn with the exertion, and Jensen bends enough to grab the headboard, trying to use it for leverage as he goes faster and harder. In the back of his head, he's pretty sure he's doing a sloppy job, not used to this much stimulation and not yet capable of pacing himself. But Jared seems as carried away as he is, his hands fisting in the sheets violently to keep himself from thrusting and a look on his face Jensen has been dreaming of for years.
"Can I touch you?" Jared asks.
"Anywhere," Jensen replies. "But if you-" Jared wraps his big hand around Jensen's shaft and Jensen has to find the rhythm again, because his brain cuts out for a few seconds. "Do that, I'm gonna come so fast, Jared."
It doesn't deter Jared. In fact, he starts to jerk Jensen faster, a look of studied fascination on his face. There's no denying Jared's got talent, even if Jensen isn’t in love with how he got it. He manages to keep Jensen on the edge like no one ever has, and what feels like an impossibly long time passes before his balls start to draw up. There's no putting it off any longer.
"Gonna come," Jensen gasps. "I'm gonna-"
"Yeah," Jared says. "Give it to me, let me see."
He meets Jared's eyes below him, his body curved as he holds fast to the headboard, and then Jared sits up and sucks a nipple into his mouth, and Jensen curses him as he lets go, spilling into Jared's fist.
Jared laughs against his chest, making low, hungry sounds and Jensen keeps going, determined to get Jared there. He feels Jared spread his own come out on his back as he grabs Jensen's ass, and Jensen changes his angle, letting Jared hold him as he works his way down on his shaft.
It's not long before Jared bites his bottom lip, causing it to break again and Jensen moves down to lick the blood away. Jared closes his eyes tight, like he's trying to hide what's about to happen. Jensen won't have that. He lowers himself, slowing the pace by necessity, but it's worth it when he brushes a kiss along Jared's cheek, and Jared turns to look up at him.
"It’s okay," he says. "It's me. I've got you now."
The smile Jared gives him could break Jensen's heart. He nods, grasping Jensen by the back of his neck and looking down between them, to where their bodies are joined. Jensen starts to feel the pulse then, the warmth of Jared's seed filling the condom, and Jared keeps his eyes open, keeps them on Jensen, as a look of perfect peace washes over him.
They don't say much after. Jensen gets up and tosses the condom, wipes the jizz Jared managed to get everywhere. Then he falls into Jared's arms, quietly kisses every inch of skin he can reach, and they stay like that as they drift into sleep.
_______________________________________________________________
He's already finished making the bacon and toast when Jared finally stumbles his way into the kitchen the next morning. There are marks all over his cheeks from the pillow case, his hair is pointing in every direction, and he's wearing the faded, ratty old pair of boxers Jensen keeps forgetting to throw out.
Jensen knows he's a goner, because Jared only looks more perfect to him in all his drowsy imperfection, off guard and at ease and seemingly not worried about anything. That's all he ever wanted for Jared. Maybe he didn't think he could give it to him this way, but Jensen isn't about to argue.
"Sleep well?" he asks, waving the dog at his heels away. "Sadie, no. This is people food."
When he lifts his head, Jensen sees that Jared has dry tear tracks on his face, and even though he's smiling, it makes him deflate. "What's wrong?"
Jared shakes his head and licks his lips, looking up at Jensen with a slow smile. "Nothing is wrong."
"Then why were you crying?" Jensen asks, feeling the crease between his brows deepen. He puts down the pan of eggs, switching off the fire.
Taking a few steps forward, Jared holds out his hand to Jensen and slowly uncurls his fist. Jensen sees the plastic nametag he'd placed on Jared's nightstand when he'd woken up and left to walk the dog. He hadn't known if Jared would see it, but he couldn't resist. Jared's voice breaks when he asks, "You kept this?"
"Yeah," Jensen answers, brushing a hair away from Jared's eyes and kissing him gently. "Of course I kept it."
"Even after what I-" Jared smiles down at it and then up at Jensen.
Jensen nods his head at the table, where one plate is already set out. There's an apron folded on the seat, and Jared walks over, picks it up tenderly, as if it's something fine and precious instead of a scrappy piece of cloth made for getting dirty.
"It won't be glamourous," he explains. "I can't offer you some great new life. It'll be gross and sweaty and sometimes it's going to smell, and the customers can be real pieces of work. Jared, if I could, I'd give you so much more, but all I can offer is this. It's not the streets, though."
"This is all I've ever dreamed of," Jared says, hoisting the apron strap over his head and tying the back. "Can I try? I've never had a real job before. I don't know if I'll be any good. But. Can I try?"
"You start today," Jensen tells him, watching as Jared clips on the nametag, bright red letters standing out against the thick white fabric. "Now, tell me how you like your eggs. You're always changing your damn order on me."
The End.
PART THREE
So, there it is. The whole sad story of how Jensen ended up here, trapped in his own diner, watching the procession of men Jared runs through night after night, his help unwelcome and his ability to walk away from the whole mess more compromised by the moment.
It's the way Jared says his name, so sweet and full of meaning, and Jensen knows, he knows it'll be someone else's name Jared's screaming soon. But every day he resolves to put his foot down, to tell Jared to go somewhere else if he has to do this, and every night he sees the caged animal look in the back of Jared's eyes, hidden behind all that hair and so many easy smiles.
Jensen wasn't there when Jared needed him, that's what it boils down to. This never would have happened if it wasn't for him. And at the end of the day, he can't, can't, can't chase Jared away if this is what he needs now.
_______________________________________________________________
Like any good addict, Jensen immediately switches himself onto late shifts in defiance of all logic and has Jeff take over as day manager. He sets things up the next night so that he can catch Jared if he shows up again and is there when Jared comes in just after midnight, another guy on his heels.
Jensen watches them cross the diner, until Jared takes his usual spot at the corner table, and that makes him smile, even if the rest of it is just confusing. Standing up, Jensen can see the way Jared's dressed: much too tight t shirt riding up on him, exposing most of his stomach, his jeans slung low on his hips. It's not the shabby hand-me-downs he used to wear, but there's something vulgar in the outfit and the sway in his walk.
The guy Jared is with tonight-decidedly not Mark-is huge, built like a brick wall. He shoves himself in on the same side of the booth as Jared and slings his arm over Jared's shoulder possessively. Jared gives him a tight smile as he tries to put a few inches of room between them, but the guy is oblivious or indifferent to Jared's discomfort.
It makes Jensen's blood boil, but he manages to walk his way over, plaster on a big smile and go through his welcome spiel much better than he had the night before. If Jared is surprised to see him back again, he doesn't show it. Just orders a turkey sandwich like this is the most regular thing in the world.
When Jensen returns with the food, the guy's hand is high on Jared's thigh, trying to go higher as Jared pushes it down and away.
"Not here," he's saying. "Later."
"C'mon, darlin', don't make me wait all night."
Jensen sets the plates down hard, enjoying the way the asshole draped over Jared starts at the sound of the glass clattering on the tabletop. He doesn't rush away like he had the night before; instead he stands at the end of the table glaring down. "Is there anything else I can get you?"
"Nah, this is fine," the guy says, looking up at Jensen like he can't imagine where in the world the hostility is coming from.
Jared smiles in that off way again and says, "Thanks, Jensen."
He watches from the kitchen this time for twenty full minutes until Jared gets up and heads to the bathroom. The guy he's with lets him through, watching Jared's ass as he walks away and then giving his burger a smug smile.
Jensen's hands bunch into fists, and he starts walking without even thinking, ignoring the "Jensen, you okay?" Kim shouts after him.
He slides into the booth across from the guy, and the man lifts his head, tilting it to the side a bit. "Uh, hello?"
"He's sixteen," Jensen snaps. "Did you know that?"
The guy shrugs. "Told me he was eighteen."
"Well, he's not." Jensen narrows his eyes. "Does that make you reconsider anything about the way your night's going?"
The guy laughs. "Far as I'm concerned, he's eighteen."
"How about if I call the cops?" Jensen asks. "You gonna change your mind if I do that?"
"I've got a wife, family, a respectable job." The asshole smiles. "Who do you think is gonna have more trouble if you call the cops, me or the kid?"
Jensen's lips thin, and before he can say anything else, Jared is hovering above them. "Ty, Jensen, is there a problem?"
Ty grins at Jensen and scoots over, making room for Jared under his arm, and Jensen stands up as soon as Jared slots in, feeling powerless and upset and just plain sad. "I was just telling Jensen here how perfectly cooked this burger is."
Jared smiles. "Told you the food here was good."
Jensen takes the check out of his pocket and shoves it at Ty without bothering to ask if they want anything else and grabs Jared by the shoulder, pulling him outside. "I need to talk to you."
As soon as the door shuts behind them, Jensen rounds on him.
"Who is that guy? Why are you dressed like that?" Jared's cheeks turn the patchy pink color that always used to make Jensen laugh as he blushes and looks down at himself, one of his hands skating over his stomach as if he's trying to cover up. Jensen waits a beat for Jared to answer, and when he doesn't, he demands, "Tell me this isn't what it looks like."
"Jensen," Jared says. "Please don't get upset."
"You can't be intending to let that fucking guy-you're not-"
"What?" Jared asks. He lifts his head, and he's still bright pink, but there's a look of defiance in his expression now that Jensen's never seen. "You can't say it? Come on, Jensen. It's not like you had big aspirations for me. This really that surprising?"
"Not this," he says. "Anything but this. You-you don't like to be touched."
Jared frowns and then smooths it out into a neutral expression. "It's not so bad when you're getting paid for it."
"Yes, it is," says Jensen. "Jared, you're just a kid. How long has this been going on?"
He looks down and shrugs. "I couldn't keep bouncing around. I couldn't run away without any money, but I didn't wanna keep going from one shitty home to the next, man, I couldn't do that anymore. So I did what I needed to in order to take care of myself. It's better this way."
For a long moment, Jensen just stands there, dumbfounded. Every question he thinks to ask is worse than the one before. It doesn't seem possible that a kid could just slip through like this, that no one cared enough to catch it. But then, knowing how Jared's life had been before, maybe it's not really that surprising.
"This whole time, then," he says. "Almost two years."
"Yeah," Jared answers. "Since that night, pretty much."
"You should have just taken the money," he says, and he probably doesn't really mean it, but damn does he feel like it right now. Jensen knows he can't say it out loud, but everything in him is shouting that this is all his fault. If he hadn't driven Jared away that night, this never would have happened.
"And shut down Baby's?" Jared huffs a laugh. "For what? I would have ended up like this sooner or later. Why not sooner?"
"No. You wouldn't. You don't have to do this," Jensen says. "Tell that guy to go fuck himself. Come work in my kitchen, I'll make sure you make enough to-."
Jared barks out a laugh. "You can't trust me in your kitchen."
That stuns Jensen into silence, and he shakes his head. He hadn't meant to make Jared feel that way. "You didn't take anything. You could have gotten away easy if you had, and you didn't. Anyone else would have. Of course I trust you."
"Well, I don't," Jared replies. He bites his lip, a habit he's always had, and Jensen's stomach drops when he hears how sad Jared sounds. "That I even considered it. After everything you'd given me-I know what kind of person I am."
Jensen shakes his head, but he's too crushed to even speak. He wants to grab Jared and shake him, try to make him see how wrong he is, but all he can do is stand there with his mouth hanging open.
Finally, Jared steps forward and touches his face. "Please don't look at me like that, Jensen. Like you're disappointed in me. I never meant for you to find out."
"Then why would you come to my diner?"
Jared smiles weakly. "Missed it so much. Missed…the food here tastes like home. I. Know how stupid that sounds, but. I thought I could do you a favor, bring in some business during slow hours and get to spend a little time here. I didn't think you'd work this shift. I didn't want you to know. I just needed…this."
He stops to think on it, doing some math in his head, and realizes things have been steadier during the late weekend hours over the last month or so. Not enough that he'd bothered to question why, but recognizable once it's been pointed out. He never would have known if not for the call-out yesterday. He might have never seen Jared again.
Jared reaches out to touch Jensen's hand, which gets his attention, but then he thinks better of it and lets go. "You don't have to worry about it, okay? We don't do business here. I know this isn't that kind of place. I would never bring you that reputation. I just have them come here for food, before or after. I make it worth their while, but never here, I swear."
"You think that's what I'm worried about, Jared?" Jensen asks, searching Jared's face. "Is that who you think I am?"
"I know who you are," Jared replies. He cups one of Jensen's cheeks and smiles. "You don't have to worry about me anymore. I'm not that little boy. I can handle myself. Couldn't just keep running to you, ruining your life, every time I had a problem, could I?"
"Yes." Jensen takes Jared's hand off his face, holding it between his own. "Yes, you could have."
"Well, I won't." Jared looks toward the restaurant, where his asshole client is probably starting to get antsy, and seems to be considering something before he says, "I really need this, Jen. I know you don't want to hear it. I know you don't want to see it. But please, don't judge me for this. Don't hate me. I couldn't bear it and-I really need this place. Trying to stay away was the hardest thing I've ever done, and if I lose it again, I don't know what I'll do."
Jensen hates everything about this, but the way Jared's looking at him is physically painful. He knows if he pushes back any more than he already has, he might just push Jared away forever. The kid is so hard to hold on to. "Tell me you're safe, at least. Tell me you don't let them near you without protection."
"I am now," Jared promises, and when Jensen jumps up at the last word, he holds his hands out defensively. "There were a few mistakes, at the beginning. I didn't know how to handle them as well as I do now. It’s been a long time since-"
"Have you been tested?"
Jared shakes his head, and Jensen kicks the ground. "I want test results in your hands the next time you come here, are we clear?"
"Yes," Jared says, his voice shaky. "But I can come back? No matter what the tests say?"
"Yeah," Jensen answers, softening. "You're always welcome at Baby's."
_______________________________________________________________
Three nights later, he gets home as the sun is starting to appear on the horizon. Sadie is waiting for him outside, and she follows him with her tail wagging madly as he lets himself in.
Sadie had shown up just a few months after Jared dropped out of his life, clearly abandoned and looking for a sucker. She'd reminded him of Jared with her big, sad eyes, so thin her ribs showed on the sides, and that was really all it had taken. Jensen fell for it just as easily with the dog as he had with the lost little boy on the street.
He gave her the name Jared had once told him he would like for a dog if he could have his own, back when they were both just kids, when it was Jared's favorite thing to sit and dream up better lives for himself. It's hard to think that that little boy was the same person who handed him the envelope he's clutching too tight now.
Jared had been afraid of them. He shoved the results into Jensen's hands on his way to the usual table, not stopping to say anything except, "I couldn't look. Want it to come from you. Just tell me tomorrow."
Jensen couldn't really argue with that. He'd been the one to demand Jared get tested, so he's the one that gets stuck finding out what kind of news exactly it was he asked for.
He turns on the living room lights and drops his bag on the floor, sitting on the couch with the envelope held out in front of him. His hands are shaking as he stares at it, and Sadie must sense how tense he is, because she jumps up next to him, butting her head against his arm supportively.
Finally, Jensen tears the flap open and makes himself look. It's like the entire galaxy stops rotating and starts going in another direction the way everything changes between one second and the next. Clean. Everything is negative, despite the odds. Jared is healthy.
Jensen doesn't even realize how worried he had truly been until he feels his eyes about to fill with relieved tears. He grabs Sadie and presses a kiss to her little brown head, and she yips cheerfully, always happy to celebrate, regardless of if she knows what the occasion is.
He tells Jared as he's on his way out the next night, the john already halfway to his car.
"You got lucky this time," he says, and the anxiousness in Jared's expression disappears. Jensen cuffs him on the back of the head as pulls at the door. "Don't you ever do that again."
Jared turns to smile and winks at him. "Only for you."
_______________________________________________________________
The next night, Jared comes in and orders a Caesar salad. Jensen stops, wondering if he heard that right, and can't hold himself back from asking, "Do my ears deceive me? Is that Jared deigning to eat vegetables?"
"I'm not happy about it," Jared clarifies.
His john laughs, and Jensen has to restrain himself from giving the guy stink-eye for injecting himself into the conversation. "Why are you ordering it, then?"
"I finished sandwiches yesterday," Jared says, pointing to the menu. "Salads are next."
"You go through the menu in order?" the guy asks, and Jensen feels silly for not noticing it sooner. "Why don't you just order what you want?"
"Can't choose, everything's so good," Jared answers dismissively. He looks up and smiles, and Jensen's chest expands knowing that smile is just for him. "Even the salads."
He knows that's not really why, but he holds his peace in front of the customer. "I'll never hear you say it again."
"Nope!"
The john reaches out to get Jared's attention focused back on him. "Say, you seem to know the food here pretty well. What would you recommend?"
"Everything," Jared replies. "Try the sloppy joes. Or chicken tenders. Oh, I want a milkshake. Can I get a milkshake?"
_______________________________________________________________
It's a cobb salad the next time, southwest chicken the night after, and it's not until Jared's last salad night-when instead of a greeting, Jared just announces "Hot dogs tomorrow!" that Jensen can't keep his curiosity in check any longer.
He waits until the john Jared is with has gone off to the bathroom, and then he slides into the table across from Jared. "Tell me why."
"Why?" Jared parrots back. "Why what? The meaning of life or something? Because that's way above my paygrade."
"Don’t be a smartass," Jensen says, though, really, that's hopeless and he knows Jared's thinking the same thing from the way he beams at Jensen across the table. "Why do you go through the menu in order?"
"Just a thing I've been doing since I got back," says Jared. "I'm on my second cycle, did you know that?"
Jensen laughs. "I think you're the only person aside from me who's had everything we make here."
"That's a very distinguished club I'm in, then."
Jared is deflecting, and maybe Jensen should just let it go, but he can't. "Jared, tell me."
"Hey, I think Richard is coming back, so you should probably not be sitting there when he-"
"Yeah, okay," Jensen says. "I get it."
Almost three months pass, two more cycles through the menu, before Jared tells him why. He'd given up asking but never stopped wondering. Jensen is leaning against the side of the Impala, on one of his breaks, when suddenly there's someone else there with him.
Jared leans on the door right next to Jensen, in his space, but it's not like Jensen is going to complain. He looks up at the sky for a few seconds, smiles, and then says, "Nice night."
"Cool for September," Jensen agrees. He turns to Jared. "Shouldn't you be with your client?"
"He's on the phone." Jared laughs and leans in. "With his wife."
"Ah," Jensen says, because he doesn't know what else to say, and Jared doesn't push him. "Does he treat you okay?"
"This guy?" He shrugs. "Better than some, worse than others."
"You know it's not too late to take a jo-"
"It keeps me going," Jared says. "When things are really bad. When I start thinking it might be easier to just end this. I almost did once. That's what made me come back here. Now, when I want to walk in front of a car-" Jensen flinches, and Jared stops to give him a reassuring smile. "I know I won't, because I can't stop in the middle of the menu like that. Have to get to the end of the menu. I know it's stupid, but it's enough to get to the next day and the day after and sometimes that's-anyway. You wanted to know why I do it, so that's why."
Jensen blinks a few times, a little thrown off by the idea that his silly diner menu could possibly keep someone alive. Thankful for it, though.
"And now that you're here, that helps too. If I ever think about trying something, drugs or drinking or whatever. Lots of the people who work my block end up on something. Trying to forget." Jared looks over at him and smiles. "I just remind myself that I can't show up here like that. I can't let you see me like that again, not after everything you've already forgiven me for."
He steps a little closer and presses a chaste kiss to Jensen's cheek, then puts his lips to Jensen's ear and whispers, "I hope you don't think you aren't doing enough for me, because you save my life every day."
Jensen goes home, and instead of immediately falling into bed, he sits up for hours, working on a new menu. Getting them printed costs at least much as Jared and his johns have brought in, but it's worth every cent to Jensen. He waits until Jared finishes his fifth cycle before retiring the old menu and brings the new one out with way more enthusiasm than a simple menu update should merit.
Of course, Jared notices right away. "The menu changed," he says the next night instead of hello, and Jensen nods.
"What do you think?"
"It's shorter," Jared observes.
Jensen trimmed it down so that the whole thing could be gotten through in one month. He has his cover story all lined up on that front. "Cut a few of our less popular dishes. Cost savings, you know how it goes."
"Uh huh," Jared says. "Added a few things, too."
"Don't want any loyal customers to get bored with the smaller selection."
Jared drops his act then, lets all his happiness shine through. "Only four salads."
"But all healthier than the previous ones," Jensen tells him.
Instead of putting up the token protest, Jared sets the menu down and points to the box in the very bottom corner. "This is new."
Jensen had been a little nervous about that, but he can see the softness in Jared's eyes as his fingers rest over the new promotion.
"Go through the whole menu and get a free meal," Jared says. "What an oddly specific offer."
"Is it?" Jensen asks, hardly hiding his smile. "Seemed like a good way to reward loyalty. Well, let me know if you find anyone I owe five meals to."
Over the next week, Jared comes to Baby's alone. He sits and orders exactly what he wants, and Jensen takes his break so they can eat together. It feels for a short time the way it had before-when things were easy and fun between them, and Jensen hadn't ruined anything with wanting.
But on the fifth night, when he tries to convince Jared to come alone again tomorrow, Jared reminds him that he's all out of freebies, as if that escaped Jensen's notice.
Still, once a month, Jensen gets Jared all to himself, no johns at the table listening in on what should be his and Jared's, no stolen moments during bathroom breaks and phone calls. It gives them both something to look forward to.
_______________________________________________________________
On Jared's 17th birthday, Jensen bakes a chocolate cake. It's the first time he tries to use his mother's recipe since she passed, and the result, while passable to the untrained heart, is a disappointment to Jensen. It's not as good as hers, though he can't put his finger on what's wrong with it.
He dresses it up the way he always used to do for Jared-name written in fudge on the plate, a small mountain of whipped cream, and of course sprinkles. Kid loves his sprinkles.
When Jared finishes his meal, Jensen sets the plate down. "Happy birthday," he says, and then he turns to glare at Jared's client. "Don't share it."
The face the stranger makes is so confused that Jensen has to rush back to the kitchen in order to keep himself from laughing right in the guys' face. But he watches Jared enjoy his dessert through the order window, happy to observe that he doesn't pause in wolfing it down long enough for the guy to even think about trying to sneak so much as a forkful.
_______________________________________________________________
The dam breaks eventually. It was bound to happen, Jensen realizes that as soon as it begins, and, really, considering the circumstances, Jensen thinks he's been a pretty good sport about the person he's in love with-who he has always been in love with-constantly being in his diner with other men. He made it the better half of a year before breaking.
Jensen knows something is wrong as soon as he stops at Jared's table, gives him and the slimey motherfucker he's sitting with his usual greeting. Jared doesn't turn to smile up at him. He stays very still, his head bowed, and quietly orders the breakfast platter. If Jensen didn't know where Jared had stopped yesterday, he would have had to ask him to repeat the order.
"Nah," the john replies. "Get him the oatmeal. It's cheaper."
"He's getting the breakfast platter," Jensen insists. "What do you want?"
"I told you he ain't," the man replies. "Don't need all that food for one little rat anyway. Do you?"
"It's fine," Jared says, still holding his position. "I'll have the oatmeal."
Years old instincts claw up inside of Jensen, and he very suddenly knows exactly what's happening.
"Jared, look at me."
Jared shakes his head. "Please, just go away, Jensen."
"Look at me," he says again and finally Jared does. Lifts his head so Jensen can see his black eye, busted lip. Jensen gets a feeling of déjà-vu he never, ever wanted to experience again.
And suddenly, almost a decade of anger and helplessness rushes to the surface. He's seen Jared hurt like this so many times before. He's never had the object of his wrath sitting right in front of him.
"I'll kill him," he says, slapping his order pad and pencil down on the table.
"Jensen, please, it's not a big deal. I'm fine."
"I'm going to fucking kill him."
"What's that?" the douchebag asks, rising to his feet.
"You heard me," Jensen answers, stepping forward. "I'm gonna rip your fucking throat out."
The guy lifts his arm, and Jared jumps up, grabbing it. "Travis, please, don't. Don't hurt him. Don't hurt him."
He shoves Jared back into the booth. "Stay out of this. If your boyfriend here wants to make threats, then he can handle whatever happens."
"Me," Jared says, sitting up and trying to get between them again. "Jensen, stand back, okay. I'll talk to him." He looks to the john. "I'll give you your next time free. You can do anything you want to me. For the love of god, don't hurt him."
Jensen turns to look at Jared, shaking his head. "Jared. You let him do this to you?"
"It's okay," Jared insists again. "He's a regular. It's okay."
"It's not fucking okay," Jensen barks. "You let him do this regularly?"
"If you care so much, why don't you throw as much money at the worthless little fag as I have?" Travis gives Jensen a once-over and snorts. "Let me guess, you can’t afford it."
"That's enough," Jared says. "Let's just go."
"I came here to get my meal, I'm not leaving hungry."
"I'm not feeding you," Jensen says. "Get the fuck out of my restaurant. Right now. My staff are by the phone. You wanna talk to the cops tonight? You want them to look at that kid's black eye?"
The guy waits a few seconds, then turns. "Let's go, Jared. If you're so hungry you can get something after I'm done with you."
"He's not going anywhere," Jensen says. "Now leave before I lose it."
"Go on, throw a punch, son. Let's see how fast your sorry ass excuse for a restaurant gets shut down after you start picking fights with customers."
Jensen launches at him, but before he can do it, Osric is behind him, pulling him away. Jared stands up once he sees that the fight isn't immediately going to happen and puts himself between Jensen and Travis.
"You should go," he says.
"Yeah, I'm going," Travis tells him. "You won't be seeing business again for a long goddamn time after I let everyone know this is how you treat loyal clients."
"Good!" Jensen yells at the man's retreating back. "Tell everyone. I'll kill the next one of them who goes near him."
"Okay," Osric says, patting Jensen on the shoulder. "We've got other customers man, you need to calm down."
Jensen takes a deep breath and looks around, realizing that the few people who are in the diner at this hour are all staring at him slack-jawed.
He shakes Osric off and sees that at some point, Kim left the kitchen, and now she's standing in front of him with her arms crossed over her chest. "Go home and cool off."
Nodding, Jensen tries to leave, but then Jared steps forward.
"I didn't want to bring him here," he says, reaching for Jensen's sleeve, but Jensen evades the touch. "I tried to tell him-he insisted. I was scared. I'm sorry, Jensen, I'm so so-"
"You choose that over working for me?" Jensen asks him. "Letting people hurt you is better than working for me?"
Jared's face drops in response, and normally Jensen would do anything in his power to make him feel better. Right now, he can't see anything through how hurt he is. He turns away from Jared and stomps out the front entrance, opposite the one Travis had left through, though a part of him almost hopes the sonofabitch is still out there.
_______________________________________________________________
Jared finds him outside twenty minutes later, leaning against the back of the Impala and looking out at nothing in particular. He doesn't hesitate for a moment before climbing up, sitting on Baby's trunk like he's at home.
Jensen expects him to say something, but they're both quiet for several minutes until finally Jensen makes himself speak. "I need you to stop coming here, Jared."
He's expecting some kind of pushback on that, and when Jared's completely silent, he turns to look up and see Jared's face hovering above him. Jared isn't crying, hardly even looks upset, and Jensen can't even breathe without shaking, feels like he's tearing his heart out with his blunt nails.
"Did you hear me?" he asks. "I mean it this time. I know-I know why you do what you do. And I know why you feel like you have to. I wish you would just take honest work in my stupid diner, but I get why you won't. But this…I can't keep doing this, I'm sorry. You gotta stop coming here."
"I can't do that," Jared says, simple as anything. "I won't. I tried. For twenty months I tried. Couldn't do it."
Jensen shakes his head and looks down at his hands, rubbing his thumb over his callused palm. "I don't mean that you're not welcome here. Of course you are. But you can't come with them. Please, just don't bring them. Come alone. Whenever you want just, please, Jared."
"Not gonna be a drain on you. Not again." Jared's voice thins a little when he says, "Would hardly ever be able to come here without them paying."
"You know I would never charge you," Jensen answers.
"I would never charge you," Jared echoes back softly, his fingers grazing Jensen's shoulder, and Jensen recoils from the touch, turning to face him.
"Let's not do this," Jensen says.
Jared watches him with a pleading expression that could end Jensen's world. "Let me make you feel good for once," he begs. "I feel like every time I see you, I just make you that much more miserable."
"I'm in love with you," he says.
Jared's mouth turns up at the edges, but there's no surprise there. He says, "I know," as if Jensen's just told him the most obvious thing in the world, and Jensen is humiliated. He tried to hide, but of course Jared knows all the signs. It makes him wonder how many losers like Jensen Jared has drooling over him, completely fucking lost and willing to give up everything for one little touch.
"You've always loved me," Jared says.
Jensen can feel his skin burning with shame all the way up to his ears. Jared hops down from the car and takes Jensen's wrist and Jensen tries to struggle away, but Jared holds fast until finally he stops, lets the kid have his way like he always has. He lifts his eyes just enough for them to meet Jared's, and Jared is watching him with an expression Jensen doesn't understand.
"You're the only one who ever did," Jared says in a whisper. "I can't for the life of me figure out why, but you're the only person in the world who's ever loved me."
"Then you should know how much this kills me." Jensen lets Jared keep his hands but he cuts his eyes away, knowing he'll choke on these words if he can see Jared as he says them. "Watching the way they treat you. Knowing what they've gotten and that they don't deserve you. They don't even appreciate it. They take you apart and spit you out and they don't even know how lucky they are. None of them. I would give you anything you asked for, but I can't keep watching them get you and know I'll never-"
"I'm right here," Jared says, his hand slipping behind Jensen's ear, making Jensen shiver. "You can have me, too."
All he wants is to melt into Jared's arms as he tries to wrap them around, but instead he puts his hand on Jared's chest to stop him. He looks up, directly into Jared's eyes and says, "I don't just want that. I can't just take that and move along the next morning like they do. I don't want you to fuck me to settle some debt you think you owe me. You don't owe me anything."
"Okay," Jared tells him. "First of all, yeah. I do. I owe you everything. I'll never be able to pay you back what I owe you. Not with the johns bringing you business, not on my knees, not in your bed. That's not why I'm offering."
"You don't understand what-"
"And second," Jared interrupts. "What I don't understand-what I have never been able to understand-is how someone as good as you could love someone as broken as me and imagine for even a moment that I don't love you back."
Jensen shakes his head. "You don't. You don't want me. It's okay that you don't, but please don't pretend. Please stop trying to offer me that as if it's payment."
Jared pulls him toward the car. He gets up onto the trunk again and pats the spot next to him. "Sit. Listen."
He does as he's told, and Jared takes his hand, pulling it between both of his own and looking down as he begins to trace lines with his fingers.
"I know why you think I'm just trying to give you what you want. All those other times I offered, you know, I did want you then. I said it all wrong because I was a dumb kid. I didn't know any other way to say it. No one had ever given me another way to think about it except for you, and you're right. I didn't understand, at the time, why it upset you so much."
Jared stops for a moment and takes a deep breath, and something wet falls onto Jensen's hand. It takes him a few seconds to catch up, to realize Jared is crying. "I thought there was something wrong with me. Some of them told me that. That it was me, that I was so bad I made them want the things they did to me, so it was my fault. I believed them. I was just a kid, and the only person I ever wanted was the only one who pushed me away. You were so good. I thought I was so bad you wouldn't come near me. I thought that was why you hated yourself for wanting me."
"Jared, that wasn't ever-"
Jared wipes at his cheeks and laughs as he lifts his head, just enough to look at Jensen. "Fuck, I know. I know that now. I'm not a child anymore, whatever you might tell yourself. It took me years to figure it out, but I realized one day. You pushed me away because that was what I needed you to do. Even though I wanted you, I needed someone who wouldn't take that from me, who tried to make me feel like I was worth something without it. That's why I love you. You always did what was right for me, even when it wasn't what you wanted, or even what I wanted."
"That still leaves us where we started," Jensen says. "I can't have you. I've accepted that. But you can't keep parading them through here. It's not fair to me, and I can't lose it like I did tonight. This is my business, Jared. I can't make another scene like that."
"Why can't you have me?" Jared asks. "I don't need you to push me away now. I need-god, Jensen. I don't expect you to put up with me forever. Just once. I want it to be good just once. Please."
"Just once," Jensen repeats. "That's why."
"I told you, years ago. I told you wrong, but I meant it. As long as you want me, I am yours."
Jensen looks up to read Jared's expression. He looks sincere, and everything he's saying is everything Jensen never let himself imagine Jared saying. "Promise that if we do this tonight, you won't be back on the street tomorrow. Promise me, Jared."
"Take me home," Jared says. "I promise. And I wanna go home."
He jumps down from the Impala, and Jared follows him across the parking lot. The drive is quick and quiet. Jensen is almost afraid to talk, convinced he'll say something wrong and watch this fragile hope tumble down like a city built of stacked jam packets and salt shakers.
When they get out of the car, Jared takes his hand and kisses him. It's deep and it's needy but it's the first time Jensen doesn't feel dirty with Jared's mouth against his. They walk in a tangle, tripping over tree branches and steps until they reach the front door.
Then Sadie snaps them out of it, her sharp barking making Jared pull back with surprise. "You have a dog?"
Jensen opens the door, and out pours brown fur and wagging tail, and she jumps up on Jared as she sniffs him, trying to assess if he's a threat or a six foot tall ham.
"Down, Sadie," Jensen says feeling the tips of his ears burn as Jared turns to look at him.
He smiles as he pats her sides and eventually her head, once Jensen has managed to drag her back down onto her feet and off of Jared. "You named your dog Sadie?"
"Shut up, Jared," Jensen replies, which only makes Jared's grin widen.
He practically tackles that grin, kissing Jared again and shoving him back, in the direction of his bedroom. Jared half-laughs into the kiss as he pulls Jensen along, walking backward and bumping into every piece of rearranged furniture.
"Think maybe I should have been the one to go in blind," Jensen says. As soon as he breaks his mouth away to talk, Jared is sucking at his neck instead, like he can't bear not to taste Jensen for even a moment.
"Don't mind," Jared says as he bumps into another corner. "No time to think."
They reach Jensen's room (okay, they crash into the door) a few seconds later, and Jared lets Jensen turn him enough so that he's the one groping for the handle. He finds it on muscle memory and as soon as they're through, Jared is working at his belt, stripping off his jeans with expert speed that makes Jensen's head spin.
He pulls back to watch Jared's pants fall to the ground, no underwear underneath, and then Jared pulls his shirt over his head, struggling a bit with the too-tight fabric before finally he's free.
Jensen watches his muscles, the way his broad chest tapers down into thin hips. Jared's ribs show a bit on his sides, but he's still so beautiful it makes Jensen stop to realize everything that's wrong with himself. He's halfway through the buttons on his shirt, and Jared steps forward to help, making Jensen turn his face away as Jared finishes and slips it down his shoulders, exposing the undershirt that does nothing to hide his soft belly and pale skin, much less enticing than what Jared just revealed.
But Jared slips his fingers under the thin white fabric anyway, touching his stomach lightly, letting his fingers ghost up over his chest as he forces the shirt up. Once he has Jensen's chest bare, he reaches out, thumb brushing over one of Jensen's nipples, and Jensen takes a quick breath.
He'd forgotten how sensitive they were. Truth is, it's been a long time since Jensen got laid-before Jared started showing up again-and he hadn't seen a whole lot of action before then, too busy with the diner for more than an occasional fuck. Jared has a world of experience, and Jensen had never believed this would happen, so he never stopped to wonder if he would be a disappointment.
"Hey," Jared says, leaning in to kiss him. "What's wrong?"
Jensen shakes his head, trying to say nothing, but Jared doesn't give him a chance. He walks Jensen to the bed and lies him flat on his back. As soon as Jensen is settled, Jared climbs on top of him, kissing him and pulling Jensen's hands to his hips.
"You couldn't imagine how gorgeous you are right now," Jared says. "Don't try to hide from me, Jen."
Then he starts on Jensen's belt, but it's not the rushed, businesslike way he'd gotten his own off. Jared takes his time undoing the buckle, pressing kisses to Jensen's mouth until it's slipped out of the last loop, and then he breaks away.
He doesn't quite get off of Jensen, but he changes his angle, so he's hovering over Jensen but not sitting on him, and his mouth begins to work its way down, until he reaches Jensen's stomach and playfully nips at the skin. Jensen lets out a yelp and wiggles up off the bed, and Jared looks up at him with the same bright little smile he used to have when he brought Jensen an A on a test they'd studied for together.
And just like that, all of Jensen's muscles relax, his brain stops worrying about not being good enough. Everything becomes so easy, because this is Jared and it's just them. He looks back down at Jared with a mirroring smile and Jared pops the button on Jensen's pants, sliding the zipper down with agonizing pressure on his dick and then pulling it out, beginning to work Jensen's shaft to hardness.
"I'm here," Jared murmurs, like he's trying to convince himself as much as Jensen. "I've got you."
"Please don't, I'll-" Jensen gasps as Jared twists his wrist and he slaps his hand down on the sheets. "Jared, I don't want to come like that. I want-"
"What?" Jared asks, sitting up. Not quite releasing his grasp on Jensen's cock, but setting a pace that's both bliss and agony, not nearly enough to ever get him off, but feeling too good to get tired of. "Tell me how you want it. I'll do anything."
Jensen frowns, reaching out to trace the line of Jared's jaw. "This isn't like that. Don't make this like that."
"I don't know how else to…I've never," he blushes and looks away, "this is a first for me."
He raises an eyebrow. "What, topping?"
"No, I've topped," Jared answers. He moves back up the bed so his body is lined up with Jensen's. "I've done pretty much all the acts you can think of, but I've never enjoyed it. No one's ever asked me what I want."
Jensen's not surprised by that exactly, but it still makes him take a pause. "Jared, are you sure you're ready for this? We don't have to tonight. Or ever. You can tell me to stop."
He laughs. "I don't know what I like, but I know I want you. I've waited so many years already. You can't imagine how many times I got through it by pretending it was you."
"Okay," Jensen says, reaching out to sooth his hand through Jared's hair. "Tell me what you don't want."
"I don't…" Jared licks his lips and looks down at the bed. "I don't think I ever want anyone inside of me again. Is that-is that okay?"
Jensen smiles and nods as he kisses Jared. "That's good. That's a start." He noses his way across Jared's jaw and presses his lips to the shell of Jared's ears. "Do you wanna fuck me? Wanna put that big dick in me? I've thought about that so many times."
Jared lets out a groan and Jensen takes that as a yes, so he rolls with it, easing Jared onto his back. He pushes his pants and underwear the last bit off and throws his leg over Jared, straddling him. "Want me to ride you?" he offers. "Fuck, I wanna watch you while I do all the work. Wanna see you lose it for me."
"Jensen," Jared gasps. "Yes, that. Please. Please."
He nods and reaches to the nightstand, just hardly managing to get it open, and pulling out a tube of lube and some condoms.
Jensen pops the cap on the lube and spreads it between his fingers. "You wanna open me? Or do you just want to watch?"
Jared's eyes move from Jensen's hands to his hard cock, and he swallows. "Right now, I want to watch."
"Good, okay," Jensen says with a dirty grin. "I can put on a show for you," he says, lifting his hips and trying to get one finger in at the awkward angle. "I've done this so many times, Jared, wishing it was you inside me."
"Let me see," Jared urges, so Jensen turns around, spreading his cheeks and making sure his ass is on level with Jared's face.
He rearranges himself and then shoves in two fingers, even though he'd hardly gotten started with the first. Jared makes a sound that's so hot it's worth the slight burn, and then Jensen starts to work at himself, fingers crooking to find the right spot.
Jared doesn't join in, but he does get his hands on Jensen's ass, helping to widen his cheeks, thumb tracing over the rim of Jensen's hole as he works at himself. Under him, Jared is thrusting up into nothing, and his dick is huge and pink and perfect. Jensen watches it as if he's mesmerized, nearly crying out as he fucks himself and thinks about how in just a few minutes, all that cock is going to be inside him.
"Can I-you seen enough, Jared?"
He laughs. "Yeah. Yes. Please, Jensen. Want it. Think I'm gonna burst."
Jensen grabs a condom and gets off of Jared just long enough to roll it onto him. Then he's straddling Jared again, letting him hold himself steady as Jensen lowers onto his cock, inch by perfect inch.
For a few moments, he adjusts to the burn, watching Jared as he takes heavy breaths. Then he reaches down, cupping Jared's face with his hands. "You good?"
"Move," Jared demands, grabbing Jensen's hips with bruising force. "God, Jensen, move."
That makes him smile, reassures him that he's not making Jared do anything he doesn’t want. So he does as he's told, pulling up and moving back down again, slow at first. It takes a few tries before he finds the perfect angle, but as soon as he does, he throws his head back on a shout, speeding up in his desperation to feel it again.
Jared tries to help, thrusting up, but Jensen grounds him, pushes his hips into the mattress. "Just let me, Jared," he says. "I feel good. I wanna make you feel good. You don't have to do anything."
Under him, Jared turns his face into his pillow and makes a desperate sound, and Jensen moves again, real fast, fucking himself on Jared's dick with as much finesse as he can manage. Every nerve in his body jumps when Jared's cock hits his prostate, making them both groan in unison.
His thighs start to burn with the exertion, and Jensen bends enough to grab the headboard, trying to use it for leverage as he goes faster and harder. In the back of his head, he's pretty sure he's doing a sloppy job, not used to this much stimulation and not yet capable of pacing himself. But Jared seems as carried away as he is, his hands fisting in the sheets violently to keep himself from thrusting and a look on his face Jensen has been dreaming of for years.
"Can I touch you?" Jared asks.
"Anywhere," Jensen replies. "But if you-" Jared wraps his big hand around Jensen's shaft and Jensen has to find the rhythm again, because his brain cuts out for a few seconds. "Do that, I'm gonna come so fast, Jared."
It doesn't deter Jared. In fact, he starts to jerk Jensen faster, a look of studied fascination on his face. There's no denying Jared's got talent, even if Jensen isn’t in love with how he got it. He manages to keep Jensen on the edge like no one ever has, and what feels like an impossibly long time passes before his balls start to draw up. There's no putting it off any longer.
"Gonna come," Jensen gasps. "I'm gonna-"
"Yeah," Jared says. "Give it to me, let me see."
He meets Jared's eyes below him, his body curved as he holds fast to the headboard, and then Jared sits up and sucks a nipple into his mouth, and Jensen curses him as he lets go, spilling into Jared's fist.
Jared laughs against his chest, making low, hungry sounds and Jensen keeps going, determined to get Jared there. He feels Jared spread his own come out on his back as he grabs Jensen's ass, and Jensen changes his angle, letting Jared hold him as he works his way down on his shaft.
It's not long before Jared bites his bottom lip, causing it to break again and Jensen moves down to lick the blood away. Jared closes his eyes tight, like he's trying to hide what's about to happen. Jensen won't have that. He lowers himself, slowing the pace by necessity, but it's worth it when he brushes a kiss along Jared's cheek, and Jared turns to look up at him.
"It’s okay," he says. "It's me. I've got you now."
The smile Jared gives him could break Jensen's heart. He nods, grasping Jensen by the back of his neck and looking down between them, to where their bodies are joined. Jensen starts to feel the pulse then, the warmth of Jared's seed filling the condom, and Jared keeps his eyes open, keeps them on Jensen, as a look of perfect peace washes over him.
They don't say much after. Jensen gets up and tosses the condom, wipes the jizz Jared managed to get everywhere. Then he falls into Jared's arms, quietly kisses every inch of skin he can reach, and they stay like that as they drift into sleep.
_______________________________________________________________
He's already finished making the bacon and toast when Jared finally stumbles his way into the kitchen the next morning. There are marks all over his cheeks from the pillow case, his hair is pointing in every direction, and he's wearing the faded, ratty old pair of boxers Jensen keeps forgetting to throw out.
Jensen knows he's a goner, because Jared only looks more perfect to him in all his drowsy imperfection, off guard and at ease and seemingly not worried about anything. That's all he ever wanted for Jared. Maybe he didn't think he could give it to him this way, but Jensen isn't about to argue.
"Sleep well?" he asks, waving the dog at his heels away. "Sadie, no. This is people food."
When he lifts his head, Jensen sees that Jared has dry tear tracks on his face, and even though he's smiling, it makes him deflate. "What's wrong?"
Jared shakes his head and licks his lips, looking up at Jensen with a slow smile. "Nothing is wrong."
"Then why were you crying?" Jensen asks, feeling the crease between his brows deepen. He puts down the pan of eggs, switching off the fire.
Taking a few steps forward, Jared holds out his hand to Jensen and slowly uncurls his fist. Jensen sees the plastic nametag he'd placed on Jared's nightstand when he'd woken up and left to walk the dog. He hadn't known if Jared would see it, but he couldn't resist. Jared's voice breaks when he asks, "You kept this?"
"Yeah," Jensen answers, brushing a hair away from Jared's eyes and kissing him gently. "Of course I kept it."
"Even after what I-" Jared smiles down at it and then up at Jensen.
Jensen nods his head at the table, where one plate is already set out. There's an apron folded on the seat, and Jared walks over, picks it up tenderly, as if it's something fine and precious instead of a scrappy piece of cloth made for getting dirty.
"It won't be glamourous," he explains. "I can't offer you some great new life. It'll be gross and sweaty and sometimes it's going to smell, and the customers can be real pieces of work. Jared, if I could, I'd give you so much more, but all I can offer is this. It's not the streets, though."
"This is all I've ever dreamed of," Jared says, hoisting the apron strap over his head and tying the back. "Can I try? I've never had a real job before. I don't know if I'll be any good. But. Can I try?"
"You start today," Jensen tells him, watching as Jared clips on the nametag, bright red letters standing out against the thick white fabric. "Now, tell me how you like your eggs. You're always changing your damn order on me."
The End.