Fic: Deadline (Kirk/McCoy)
Title: Deadline
Pairing: Kirk/McCoy
Summary: It’s Sunday morning
Rating: Teen/PG13
Word Count: 2840
A/N: #31 in the Two Men & a Motorbike series. Follows Preparation. Posting early again! &hearts to everyone who reads/comments!
Everything’s packed. The room already feels different, with the bare mattress and empty closet. Bones doesn’t have a lot to take with him, despite the fact that it took them hours to pack last night. Jim knows part of the reason it took so long is because he kept distracting Bones, but that hasn’t fixed anything. Bones is still leaving. All the distractions in the world can’t change that fact, and he feels so many different emotions right now that he thinks he might throw up.
“I’ve given them instructions to send you the sheets after they’re laundered,” Bones says as he steps out of the bathroom. His hair is still damp, and Jim can feel his fingers itching to touch it. “I figure that’s easier than sending them to me off-planet, and they won’t get lost, at least.”
“Sheets. Got it.” Jim doesn’t know how Bones can be concerned about sheets, of all damn things, when he’s leaving soon. This isn’t like any other day, where laundry is actually something to worry about. Not that he ever thinks it is.
“You can give them to me whenever we have the chance to get together,” Bones continues as he dusts a shelf that’s already been cleaned.
“You cleaned the bookcase last night,” Jim reminds him. “The whole room has been cleaned, in fact.” He taps his fingers against his thigh as he watches Bones. “There’s almost an hour before you have to go to the shuttle pad. Why don’t you just sit down?”
“Damn it, Jim. I’m trying to stay busy.” Bones looks at the ceiling and sighs. “This is worse than I imagined.”
“Yeah, well, it’s not that easy for me, either.” Jim frowns. “You haven’t let me touch you since our shower.”
“Which wasn’t even an hour ago.” Bones focuses on him. “Don’t you get it, kid? The more you touch me, the more difficult it’s going to be to walk away.”
“It’s not going to be easy anyway, so why waste this last bit of time dusting clean shelves instead of being with me?” Jim doesn’t care if he’s whining because this is too important for him to just sit and let Bones push him away.
Bones’ shoulders slump as he runs his fingers through his hair. “I’m trying to get through this as best I can,” he admits quietly. “Maybe it’s not the perfect way, but I don’t know what else to do.”
“We both are,” Jim points out. “I feel like I’m going to go throw up whenever I look at the clock, and it’s really not that easy to breathe right now because I know you’re leaving soon. I just…I need you, Bones. So much more than I ever even realized.”
“You’ve got me, Jim.” Bones walks over and sits on the edge of the bare mattress, grimacing slightly as he adjusts his position.
“Okay?” He knows that he got a little rough when they fucked earlier; he was nowhere near as a cautious and gentle as he was last night. Bones had asked for more, though, and hadn’t said anything about it being too painful. Still, Jim’s worried when Bones can’t sit down without making a face.
“Little sore, but I’ll survive. It’s worth it,” Bones says simply. He looks at Jim and reaches over to touch his jaw. “I need you, too, you know? You’ve become such an important part of my life that I can’t even remember what it’s like to not have you around. I don’t know how I’ll get used to you not being there.”
“You need to have a Jim-voice in your head,” Jim tells him. “One that tells you when you’ve been working too much and makes you go out for a drink or encourages you to do stupid, risky things once in a while. One that reminds you how sexy you are when you’re coming and how gorgeous you are when you’re naked, because, damn it, I don’t want you to ever forget that.”
Bones smiles the crooked smile that Jim adores. “I think I already have a Jim-voice, though it usually urges me to break rules or, lately, to be a sentimental fool.”
“Sounds better than being nagged to be responsible and to concentrate on important shit, like my Bones-voice is always doing,” Jim murmurs as he traces the curve of Bones’ bottom lip.
“No denials about being sentimental?” Bones arches a brow and strokes his thumb over Jim’s cheekbone. “Listen to that voice, Jim. You’re the captain of the Enterprise now, so you can’t slip back into drinking all the time and a stream of casual sex. Moderation is important because you don’t want to lose everything.”
Jim frowns. “I’m not going to go out and start bar fights, Bones. Sure, I like to drink, and I’ll still do it whenever I want, but there are some things more important than the alcoholic daze that used to help me get through life. I’m not stupid. I know that I’m going to have to be more careful than any other captain out there because there are some people who will just be waiting to take the Enterprise from me. I don’t need a voice in my head telling me that.”
“Yeah, well, forgive me, but I’m still trying to get used to the maturity since, not even two months ago, you would go out and get drunk and start fights for no particular reason,” Bones points out. “I know that you’re finally starting to grow up, in some ways. Hell, I wouldn’t be here with you like this if you hadn’t since you’d have got bored after that first time and moved on to another. But I also know that it’s tough, and that it’s so easy to just slip back into old habits. I’ve done it myself, after all.”
“I guess the only way that I’m going to prove to you that I have changed is to show you.” Jim’s tired of discussing this, of trying to defend himself from Bones’ opinion that he’s going to rush out and fuck the first woman that he finds. He’s never been into monogamy, so it’s not like Bones is being an ass by thinking it’s impossible, but it still hurts to have his past thrown back at him when he’s trying to do this whole relationship thing properly.
Bones frowns. “You don’t have to prove anything to me, Jim.”
“Well, then, maybe I need to prove it to myself,” he says, shrugging a shoulder before he looks at the clock. “God, it’s almost time.”
“I can’t believe they’re making me leave already. It’s too fucking soon.” Bones moves his hand behind Jim’s neck. “When are they sending you out?”
“I’m not sure. Enterprise is going back on Wednesday, but it’s almost two weeks before the crew has to report. I’ll go as soon as I can, so I can learn my ship completely and get ready for the mission.” Jim leans forward and presses his mouth against Bones’. “Maybe if you weren’t so brilliant, I’d have been able to have you.”
“It’s not my fault that I’m damn good at my job,” Bones mutters. “Anymore than it’s your fault for being such a golden boy hero.”
“I hope I look good in gold. It could clash terribly with my hair,” Jim muses before he kisses Bones again. “What civilizations will take me seriously if I look silly?”
“The ones who care more about what you’re discussing than how your hair looks which is, oh, all of them, I reckon,” Bones drawls as he moves his fingers along the back of Jim’s neck. “Besides, you know that you’re pretty and will look good in anything.”
“I look better in nothing at all.” Jim licks Bones’ lips. “Want to do an analysis? It can be quick. It’d have to be, I guess.”
“We don’t have time, Jim. Besides, I don’t know if I’m strong enough to let you go now, much less after sex.” Bones’ voice is low and gruff, and Jim feels sick again.
“You’re strong enough, Bones. Don’t make me beg,” he whispers, blinking his eyes when he feels them getting moist. He’s not going to cry. Not over this. Not when he didn’t even cry at graduation yesterday. This is something he needs, though. It’s not even about the sex, oddly enough. It’s about the intimacy, the touches and noises and all the other things about Bones that he doesn’t want to lose.
“Oh, Jim.” Bones sighs before he kisses him. Jim returns the kiss and moves his arms around Bones, needing to feel him. The kiss deepens, and he feels Bones’ hand stroking his back in the soothing way that feels so comforting.
“I don’t want to let go,” he admits quietly, the confession barely a whisper as he pushes Bones back onto the bed.
“Then don’t,” Bones murmurs before he leans up and kisses Jim thoroughly. Instead of trying to get naked, Jim just lies half on top of Bones, kissing and touching. This is what he’s going to miss the most, more than sex and fantasies and all that.
Bones is his best friend, his first real friend, and he’s something more than that in this undefined way that Jim recognizes is a relationship even if they don’t give it a name. The sex is amazing, and it’s the catalyst that’s led them here, really, yet he can’t help but think of everything else, too. There aren’t going to be nights of talking about nothing and everything or visits to the bar where he flirts and Bones grumbles or moments when the world just feels right in that indescribable way that he’s felt so many times during their friendship. There aren’t going to be kisses that practically make his toes curl or explorative touching that has nothing to do with fucking or the sounds that Bones makes when he’s content just lying with Jim and making out.
It’s too much. He pulls back from the kiss and buries his face against Bones’ neck, holding him as tight as possible. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Bones wraps his arms around Jim and pulls him closer. They don’t say anything. What is there to say? This is happening, and it hurts so fucking much. Words won’t make it any better. Jim isn’t sure how long they lie there, but it isn’t long enough. When Bones shifts, Jim tightens his grip.
“It’s almost time, Jim.” Bones’ voice is hoarse, cracking slightly when he says Jim’s name. He clears his throat. “I need you to do something for me.”
“Anything,” Jim says quietly. He hasn’t let go yet, hasn’t moved at all. If he does, it means it’s over. It means Bones is really going, and he just can’t handle it. Selfish or not, he needs to hold on as long as he can.
“I need for you to go now.” Bones takes a shaky breath and looks at Jim when he raises his head quickly. “I can’t--if you’re here, I can’t---“
“No. I’m going with you to the shuttle pad. I have to, Bones. I’m not leaving you,” Jim says as he looks down at Bones.
“Damn it, Jim. Would you just listen? My ride will be here soon, and I can’t walk away from you. I wish that I could, wish I was stronger, but I’m not. I need you to go.” Bones’ eyes are moist, and Jim can’t help but touch his face.
It feels like someone’s punched him hard in the chest, which makes no sense because he knows that the heart really has nothing at all to do with this sort of thing, but it still feels that way. He kisses Bones desperately. “I don’t want to leave,” he whispers against his lips.
Bones growls and kisses him hard. When he pulls back, Bones looks up at him. “Please, Jim.”
He closes his eyes. “You’re an asshole,” he murmurs, voice unsteady as he tries to find the strength to do this.
“I know. So are you. Must be why we fit together so well,” Bones drawls quietly. “Jim, look at me.”
“I’m going to miss you so much,” he admits as he opens his eyes. “Not just the sex, but all of it. All of you.” He leans down to rest his forehead against Bones’. “I keep telling myself that a year isn’t that long, but I don’t know how I’m going to get through a day knowing you’re so far away, much less three hundred and sixty-five of them.”
“Don’t count the days, Jim. I’m not going to, no matter how tempting it is. Like you said before, we can still communicate whenever we can arrange it, and there’ll be breaks, if we can work those out.” Bones strokes the back of his neck. “You’re going to get through this because you’re Captain James T. Kirk, and there isn’t anything you can’t do, except keeping your living quarters clean. And doing laundry in a timely manner. And cooking anything complicated. And--.”
Jim kisses him to stop the list. “Very funny, Bones,” he mutters when he ends the kiss. “You’re a doctor, not a comedian.”
Bones smiles and Jim traces the crooked curve of his lips. “I’m going to miss you, too,” he whispers. He rolls his head slightly and looks at the clock. “Damn it. Time’s going too fast.”
“That’s not a bad thing, considering. Maybe we’ll see each other again before we know it,” Jim says, trying to force some optimism when all he feels is a dull ache at the thought of losing Bones.
“Yeah.” Bones looks at him and sits up, holding Jim as he adjusts his position. He kisses Jim again, hungry and possessive and frantic. When their lips part, he sighs. “It’s time.”
“Oh.” Jim has to do this because Bones asked. It doesn’t matter how much it hurts, he can do it. He reluctantly lets go of Bones and runs his fingers through his hair. “Okay. It’s time. Right.”
“Jim, I--“ Bones trails off and shakes his head slightly. His smile is completely forced, and Jim wonders if his own looks as empty and painful. “You’ll show ‘em how brilliant you are and be the best damn captain they’ve ever seen.”
“Capella IV doesn’t know how fucking lucky they are to have you,” he says firmly. “But I’ll get you when you’re finished there, damn it.” He kisses Bones one more time before he stands up. He helped save Earth, so walking out of this room should be easy by comparison. Unfortunately, he’s more scared now than he ever has been before.
Bones stands up and touches his face, staring at him like he’s not going to see him again. The ache is becoming worse as Jim blinks his eyes. “Good luck, Captain,” Bones says softly.
He kisses Bones’ palm. “Good luck, Doctor,” he tells him. He reaches over and grips Bones’ hair tightly as he kisses him, licking and sucking and biting as he puts everything he’s feeling into the kiss. When he pulls back, he wipes the back of his hand over his eyes quickly and stumbles towards the door. “Safe travels, Bones. I’ll see you soon.”
“Take care of yourself, Jim.” Bones is rubbing his hands over his face, shoulders slumped, when Jim takes one last look at him. It isn’t how Jim wants to remember him, not at all sad and miserable.
“Bones.” He hesitates in the doorway, not even sure what he wants to say. Bones looks up at him, and Jim feels a twisting in his gut as emotions overwhelm him. “Soon,” he murmurs, his voice low and rough.
Bones slowly smiles, the crooked one that’s all for Jim, and he nods. “Soon.”
Jim returns the smile, as best he can, and leaves the room. He sucks in deep breaths as he walks and can feel his fingernails digging into his palm. He didn’t get the box of his stuff, but he can go back to get it later. There’s no way that he can turn around now, not when Bones has asked this one thing of him. When he reaches Jess, he straddles her and leans forward, shaking slightly as he tries to regain some kind of control of himself.
“He’s leaving, Jess. Going off to some dusty planet far away,” he murmurs, gripping the handlebars tightly. “He’ll be back, though. I’m not losing him. Just need to remember that, don’t I? Wish it was that easy. Fucking hurts so much.”
When he looks towards the dorm, he sees Bones standing in the window watching him. He wipes his eyes again and offers a weak wave, feeling like the air has lost all of the oxygen in it when Bones steps away from the window. “Fuck. I can do this. I can,” he tells himself as he starts the engine. “Let’s go for a ride, girl. Get away from here for a bit. Try to find somewhere that I can breathe.”
End
#30: Preparation | #32 Withdrawal
Pairing: Kirk/McCoy
Summary: It’s Sunday morning
Rating: Teen/PG13
Word Count: 2840
A/N: #31 in the Two Men & a Motorbike series. Follows Preparation. Posting early again! &hearts to everyone who reads/comments!
Everything’s packed. The room already feels different, with the bare mattress and empty closet. Bones doesn’t have a lot to take with him, despite the fact that it took them hours to pack last night. Jim knows part of the reason it took so long is because he kept distracting Bones, but that hasn’t fixed anything. Bones is still leaving. All the distractions in the world can’t change that fact, and he feels so many different emotions right now that he thinks he might throw up.
“I’ve given them instructions to send you the sheets after they’re laundered,” Bones says as he steps out of the bathroom. His hair is still damp, and Jim can feel his fingers itching to touch it. “I figure that’s easier than sending them to me off-planet, and they won’t get lost, at least.”
“Sheets. Got it.” Jim doesn’t know how Bones can be concerned about sheets, of all damn things, when he’s leaving soon. This isn’t like any other day, where laundry is actually something to worry about. Not that he ever thinks it is.
“You can give them to me whenever we have the chance to get together,” Bones continues as he dusts a shelf that’s already been cleaned.
“You cleaned the bookcase last night,” Jim reminds him. “The whole room has been cleaned, in fact.” He taps his fingers against his thigh as he watches Bones. “There’s almost an hour before you have to go to the shuttle pad. Why don’t you just sit down?”
“Damn it, Jim. I’m trying to stay busy.” Bones looks at the ceiling and sighs. “This is worse than I imagined.”
“Yeah, well, it’s not that easy for me, either.” Jim frowns. “You haven’t let me touch you since our shower.”
“Which wasn’t even an hour ago.” Bones focuses on him. “Don’t you get it, kid? The more you touch me, the more difficult it’s going to be to walk away.”
“It’s not going to be easy anyway, so why waste this last bit of time dusting clean shelves instead of being with me?” Jim doesn’t care if he’s whining because this is too important for him to just sit and let Bones push him away.
Bones’ shoulders slump as he runs his fingers through his hair. “I’m trying to get through this as best I can,” he admits quietly. “Maybe it’s not the perfect way, but I don’t know what else to do.”
“We both are,” Jim points out. “I feel like I’m going to go throw up whenever I look at the clock, and it’s really not that easy to breathe right now because I know you’re leaving soon. I just…I need you, Bones. So much more than I ever even realized.”
“You’ve got me, Jim.” Bones walks over and sits on the edge of the bare mattress, grimacing slightly as he adjusts his position.
“Okay?” He knows that he got a little rough when they fucked earlier; he was nowhere near as a cautious and gentle as he was last night. Bones had asked for more, though, and hadn’t said anything about it being too painful. Still, Jim’s worried when Bones can’t sit down without making a face.
“Little sore, but I’ll survive. It’s worth it,” Bones says simply. He looks at Jim and reaches over to touch his jaw. “I need you, too, you know? You’ve become such an important part of my life that I can’t even remember what it’s like to not have you around. I don’t know how I’ll get used to you not being there.”
“You need to have a Jim-voice in your head,” Jim tells him. “One that tells you when you’ve been working too much and makes you go out for a drink or encourages you to do stupid, risky things once in a while. One that reminds you how sexy you are when you’re coming and how gorgeous you are when you’re naked, because, damn it, I don’t want you to ever forget that.”
Bones smiles the crooked smile that Jim adores. “I think I already have a Jim-voice, though it usually urges me to break rules or, lately, to be a sentimental fool.”
“Sounds better than being nagged to be responsible and to concentrate on important shit, like my Bones-voice is always doing,” Jim murmurs as he traces the curve of Bones’ bottom lip.
“No denials about being sentimental?” Bones arches a brow and strokes his thumb over Jim’s cheekbone. “Listen to that voice, Jim. You’re the captain of the Enterprise now, so you can’t slip back into drinking all the time and a stream of casual sex. Moderation is important because you don’t want to lose everything.”
Jim frowns. “I’m not going to go out and start bar fights, Bones. Sure, I like to drink, and I’ll still do it whenever I want, but there are some things more important than the alcoholic daze that used to help me get through life. I’m not stupid. I know that I’m going to have to be more careful than any other captain out there because there are some people who will just be waiting to take the Enterprise from me. I don’t need a voice in my head telling me that.”
“Yeah, well, forgive me, but I’m still trying to get used to the maturity since, not even two months ago, you would go out and get drunk and start fights for no particular reason,” Bones points out. “I know that you’re finally starting to grow up, in some ways. Hell, I wouldn’t be here with you like this if you hadn’t since you’d have got bored after that first time and moved on to another. But I also know that it’s tough, and that it’s so easy to just slip back into old habits. I’ve done it myself, after all.”
“I guess the only way that I’m going to prove to you that I have changed is to show you.” Jim’s tired of discussing this, of trying to defend himself from Bones’ opinion that he’s going to rush out and fuck the first woman that he finds. He’s never been into monogamy, so it’s not like Bones is being an ass by thinking it’s impossible, but it still hurts to have his past thrown back at him when he’s trying to do this whole relationship thing properly.
Bones frowns. “You don’t have to prove anything to me, Jim.”
“Well, then, maybe I need to prove it to myself,” he says, shrugging a shoulder before he looks at the clock. “God, it’s almost time.”
“I can’t believe they’re making me leave already. It’s too fucking soon.” Bones moves his hand behind Jim’s neck. “When are they sending you out?”
“I’m not sure. Enterprise is going back on Wednesday, but it’s almost two weeks before the crew has to report. I’ll go as soon as I can, so I can learn my ship completely and get ready for the mission.” Jim leans forward and presses his mouth against Bones’. “Maybe if you weren’t so brilliant, I’d have been able to have you.”
“It’s not my fault that I’m damn good at my job,” Bones mutters. “Anymore than it’s your fault for being such a golden boy hero.”
“I hope I look good in gold. It could clash terribly with my hair,” Jim muses before he kisses Bones again. “What civilizations will take me seriously if I look silly?”
“The ones who care more about what you’re discussing than how your hair looks which is, oh, all of them, I reckon,” Bones drawls as he moves his fingers along the back of Jim’s neck. “Besides, you know that you’re pretty and will look good in anything.”
“I look better in nothing at all.” Jim licks Bones’ lips. “Want to do an analysis? It can be quick. It’d have to be, I guess.”
“We don’t have time, Jim. Besides, I don’t know if I’m strong enough to let you go now, much less after sex.” Bones’ voice is low and gruff, and Jim feels sick again.
“You’re strong enough, Bones. Don’t make me beg,” he whispers, blinking his eyes when he feels them getting moist. He’s not going to cry. Not over this. Not when he didn’t even cry at graduation yesterday. This is something he needs, though. It’s not even about the sex, oddly enough. It’s about the intimacy, the touches and noises and all the other things about Bones that he doesn’t want to lose.
“Oh, Jim.” Bones sighs before he kisses him. Jim returns the kiss and moves his arms around Bones, needing to feel him. The kiss deepens, and he feels Bones’ hand stroking his back in the soothing way that feels so comforting.
“I don’t want to let go,” he admits quietly, the confession barely a whisper as he pushes Bones back onto the bed.
“Then don’t,” Bones murmurs before he leans up and kisses Jim thoroughly. Instead of trying to get naked, Jim just lies half on top of Bones, kissing and touching. This is what he’s going to miss the most, more than sex and fantasies and all that.
Bones is his best friend, his first real friend, and he’s something more than that in this undefined way that Jim recognizes is a relationship even if they don’t give it a name. The sex is amazing, and it’s the catalyst that’s led them here, really, yet he can’t help but think of everything else, too. There aren’t going to be nights of talking about nothing and everything or visits to the bar where he flirts and Bones grumbles or moments when the world just feels right in that indescribable way that he’s felt so many times during their friendship. There aren’t going to be kisses that practically make his toes curl or explorative touching that has nothing to do with fucking or the sounds that Bones makes when he’s content just lying with Jim and making out.
It’s too much. He pulls back from the kiss and buries his face against Bones’ neck, holding him as tight as possible. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Bones wraps his arms around Jim and pulls him closer. They don’t say anything. What is there to say? This is happening, and it hurts so fucking much. Words won’t make it any better. Jim isn’t sure how long they lie there, but it isn’t long enough. When Bones shifts, Jim tightens his grip.
“It’s almost time, Jim.” Bones’ voice is hoarse, cracking slightly when he says Jim’s name. He clears his throat. “I need you to do something for me.”
“Anything,” Jim says quietly. He hasn’t let go yet, hasn’t moved at all. If he does, it means it’s over. It means Bones is really going, and he just can’t handle it. Selfish or not, he needs to hold on as long as he can.
“I need for you to go now.” Bones takes a shaky breath and looks at Jim when he raises his head quickly. “I can’t--if you’re here, I can’t---“
“No. I’m going with you to the shuttle pad. I have to, Bones. I’m not leaving you,” Jim says as he looks down at Bones.
“Damn it, Jim. Would you just listen? My ride will be here soon, and I can’t walk away from you. I wish that I could, wish I was stronger, but I’m not. I need you to go.” Bones’ eyes are moist, and Jim can’t help but touch his face.
It feels like someone’s punched him hard in the chest, which makes no sense because he knows that the heart really has nothing at all to do with this sort of thing, but it still feels that way. He kisses Bones desperately. “I don’t want to leave,” he whispers against his lips.
Bones growls and kisses him hard. When he pulls back, Bones looks up at him. “Please, Jim.”
He closes his eyes. “You’re an asshole,” he murmurs, voice unsteady as he tries to find the strength to do this.
“I know. So are you. Must be why we fit together so well,” Bones drawls quietly. “Jim, look at me.”
“I’m going to miss you so much,” he admits as he opens his eyes. “Not just the sex, but all of it. All of you.” He leans down to rest his forehead against Bones’. “I keep telling myself that a year isn’t that long, but I don’t know how I’m going to get through a day knowing you’re so far away, much less three hundred and sixty-five of them.”
“Don’t count the days, Jim. I’m not going to, no matter how tempting it is. Like you said before, we can still communicate whenever we can arrange it, and there’ll be breaks, if we can work those out.” Bones strokes the back of his neck. “You’re going to get through this because you’re Captain James T. Kirk, and there isn’t anything you can’t do, except keeping your living quarters clean. And doing laundry in a timely manner. And cooking anything complicated. And--.”
Jim kisses him to stop the list. “Very funny, Bones,” he mutters when he ends the kiss. “You’re a doctor, not a comedian.”
Bones smiles and Jim traces the crooked curve of his lips. “I’m going to miss you, too,” he whispers. He rolls his head slightly and looks at the clock. “Damn it. Time’s going too fast.”
“That’s not a bad thing, considering. Maybe we’ll see each other again before we know it,” Jim says, trying to force some optimism when all he feels is a dull ache at the thought of losing Bones.
“Yeah.” Bones looks at him and sits up, holding Jim as he adjusts his position. He kisses Jim again, hungry and possessive and frantic. When their lips part, he sighs. “It’s time.”
“Oh.” Jim has to do this because Bones asked. It doesn’t matter how much it hurts, he can do it. He reluctantly lets go of Bones and runs his fingers through his hair. “Okay. It’s time. Right.”
“Jim, I--“ Bones trails off and shakes his head slightly. His smile is completely forced, and Jim wonders if his own looks as empty and painful. “You’ll show ‘em how brilliant you are and be the best damn captain they’ve ever seen.”
“Capella IV doesn’t know how fucking lucky they are to have you,” he says firmly. “But I’ll get you when you’re finished there, damn it.” He kisses Bones one more time before he stands up. He helped save Earth, so walking out of this room should be easy by comparison. Unfortunately, he’s more scared now than he ever has been before.
Bones stands up and touches his face, staring at him like he’s not going to see him again. The ache is becoming worse as Jim blinks his eyes. “Good luck, Captain,” Bones says softly.
He kisses Bones’ palm. “Good luck, Doctor,” he tells him. He reaches over and grips Bones’ hair tightly as he kisses him, licking and sucking and biting as he puts everything he’s feeling into the kiss. When he pulls back, he wipes the back of his hand over his eyes quickly and stumbles towards the door. “Safe travels, Bones. I’ll see you soon.”
“Take care of yourself, Jim.” Bones is rubbing his hands over his face, shoulders slumped, when Jim takes one last look at him. It isn’t how Jim wants to remember him, not at all sad and miserable.
“Bones.” He hesitates in the doorway, not even sure what he wants to say. Bones looks up at him, and Jim feels a twisting in his gut as emotions overwhelm him. “Soon,” he murmurs, his voice low and rough.
Bones slowly smiles, the crooked one that’s all for Jim, and he nods. “Soon.”
Jim returns the smile, as best he can, and leaves the room. He sucks in deep breaths as he walks and can feel his fingernails digging into his palm. He didn’t get the box of his stuff, but he can go back to get it later. There’s no way that he can turn around now, not when Bones has asked this one thing of him. When he reaches Jess, he straddles her and leans forward, shaking slightly as he tries to regain some kind of control of himself.
“He’s leaving, Jess. Going off to some dusty planet far away,” he murmurs, gripping the handlebars tightly. “He’ll be back, though. I’m not losing him. Just need to remember that, don’t I? Wish it was that easy. Fucking hurts so much.”
When he looks towards the dorm, he sees Bones standing in the window watching him. He wipes his eyes again and offers a weak wave, feeling like the air has lost all of the oxygen in it when Bones steps away from the window. “Fuck. I can do this. I can,” he tells himself as he starts the engine. “Let’s go for a ride, girl. Get away from here for a bit. Try to find somewhere that I can breathe.”
End
#30: Preparation | #32 Withdrawal