Fic: Sober (Kirk/McCoy)
Title: Sober
Pairing: Kirk/McCoy
Summary: Going to the bar isn’t as much fun when he isn't drinking a lot
Rating: Adult/R
Word Count: 4570
A/N: #25 in the Two Men & a Motorbike series. Follows Stir
Bones is in a terrible mood. Obviously, making sure that he didn’t sleep all morning hadn’t helped because Jim can’t remember the last time he’s been this moody. Probably back during the first week of school, when they’d both pretty much spent all their free time at the bar closest to campus: Jim getting drunk and Bones bitching constantly. That’s really the only time that he can remember Bones being this temperamental, and he knows part of that was due to the divorce and shit. Of course, it’s not like he’s really paid a lot of attention during their past trips to bars, since he was too busy drinking himself into a stupor or trying to pick up women. Now that he’s attempting this whole ‘in moderation’ thing in some areas of his life, though, he’s a lot more observant.
“What are you staring at?” Bones asks gruffly.
“You,” Jim says simply. He’s on his third beer, and he actually plans to make this one last if he can. While it’s pretty weird to be at the bar and stay sober, he has to admit that it’s not all bad. He doesn’t really have to escape into the alcohol anymore, so there’s not such a driving need to get so drunk that he sees double. Funny how he never even realized that he was using it as an escape until he had to start being more careful about it.
“Yeah, well, stop. I’m not here for your amusement,” Bones grumbles. His words lack the hint of teasing that usually accompanies his bitching. That’s not a good sign.
“Alright. I’ll stop looking.” Jim turns his chair slightly and watches a couple of blonde women playing pool. Well, they’re supposed to be playing but it’s obvious that they’re flirting with a couple of men drinking nearby.
“Maybe you should go join them if you find them that interesting.” Bones glares at him and takes another drink from his bottle. Damn, he’s grumpy.
Jim wonders if this is what it was like all that nights he and Bones would go out and he’d get too drunk to walk back to school on his own. Probably not; he generally becomes friendly and affectionate when he’s drinking. Bones, on the other hand, becomes withdrawn and argumentative. Maybe he’s had more to drink tonight than Jim realized, since he definitely seems to be in the argumentative phase right now. It’s so weird being the sober, responsible one that it’s tempting to drink too much just so that he doesn’t have to deal with it.
“You told me to stop looking at you, so I did,” he says matter-of-factly. He looks at Bones and arches a brow. “If you want me to stop looking at anyone, namely women if your griping is any indication, I’ll have to leave because the place is crawling with women, so there’s not much chance of me being able to find somewhere to look where there won’t be at least one around.”
“Right. It’s not your fault that you happened to look at the two most scantily dressed, desperate-for-a-man blondes in the whole place.” Bones snorts. “It’s second nature to you, isn’t it? I saw you scoping everyone out when we got here, classifying them just like always.”
“Guess it is.” He considers it. “I just do it out of habit. It’s not important, though, because you’re the one I’m going home with.”
Bones ducks his head but not before Jim notices the crooked smile. When he raises his head again, he looks at Jim and arches his brow. “Confident about that, aren’t you?” Bones smirks. “Should make you work for it. I’m not easy, and I’m not a sure thing, kid.”
“That a challenge, old man?” he asks as he moves his foot along Bones’ leg beneath the table. Sexy Bones is a vast improvement over Grumpy Bones. “It’d be pretty easy to slip under this table and suck you so hard that you scream yourself hoarse while everyone watches.”
“I’m not a screamer.” Bones takes another drink of his beer and licks the top of the bottle in a very deliberate way. Jim shifts in his chair and rolls his eyes when Bones smiles smugly. “You don’t always have to talk to arouse,” Bones tells him as if he’s imparting wisdom.
“Yeah, but talking is fun, even if I don’t have a sexy Southern accent.” Jim winks before he sucks the tip of his bottle into his mouth.
“You get turned on by the strangest things.” Bones lowers his voice. “Stop being so obvious or people are going to notice. It’s bad enough with the groping under the table, but fellating your beer bottle isn’t subtle at all.”
Jim snorts. “When have I ever been good with subtlety? Besides, who cares if someone sees? It’s not like we’re having sex on the table. Unless you’re feeling particularly daring and have had enough to drink for me to suggest that?”
“You should care, Captain,” Bones says quietly.
“So, it’s perfectly acceptable for me to hop from one woman to another, but it’s not alright for me to openly flirt with my…with you?” Jim frowns. “I might be new to this whole being with a man thing, but it’s not something I’m ashamed of.”
“It’s not like that.” Bones shakes his head. “If you’re a captain, you’ll have to deal with a lot of cultures that aren’t like ours. There are beings who would be offended by where you’re sticking your dick, whether it’s any of their business or not. You have to be careful about that, Jim. Not everyone out there is as accepting of it as they are on Earth.”
“Damn it, Bones. You can’t be all smart and protective while telling me that I’m not allowed to leer in public,” Jim says with a pout. Bones is right, he knows, but he can’t accept the idea that he has to hide something, and someone, so important to him just because of possible future diplomacy. Everyone’s likely to be offended by him for some reason or another, so it shouldn’t matter.
“You’re impossible,” Bones informs him. He doesn’t seem to be as moody as he has been most of the night, so Jim’s glad he was patient enough to wait without pushing. Bones looks at his mouth before he stares at the blondes playing pool. Jim can see the nerve in his cheek twitch, which means he probably could get under the table and Bones would be aroused enough to let him with only a minimum amount of bitching. Not that he’s going to actually do that, but the thought turns him on anyway.
“Yeah, I am,” he agrees. “We should go back to the dorm, I think. I’m starting to lose my willpower when it comes to resisting the urge to kiss you. It’s your lips’ fault, of course, not mine.”
Bones snorts. “My lips are to blame? Somehow, I find that difficult to believe. It’s probably time to go, though. It’s been one of those days, and I’m in danger of becoming a moody bastard if I keep drinking.”
Jim manages to catch himself before he asks if Bones means moodier bastard. “Yeah, it’s been a long day. Chekov wore me out this morning. Too much energy in that kid, or maybe I was just worn out after last night.” He leers slightly and licks his lips. “Speaking of, tonight I think that I’d like to find out if I can take advantage of you while you’re drunk.”
“Asshole.” Bones smirks. “There won’t be any advantage taking. I’m not drunk; I’m just slightly buzzed. Besides, I think you’ve worn out my cock.”
“Nah, it still works,” Jim says with a grin, deciding that it’s better not to argue the point of sobriety right now. “It’s just not used to being used so much, so it’s out of practice.”
“I’ve been keeping up with your oversexed ass, kid, so I’m not out of practice.” Bones scowls and finishes his bottle. He puts it on the table and stands up. “Let’s go.”
Jim studies him a moment and hopes that the moody phase has passed, because he doesn’t want to waste the night. It’s already Thursday, so they only have one more night together after this one. Of course, depending on what Barnett tells him tomorrow, he might be leaving sooner. They can’t stop him from graduating just because he refused their promotion, though. He hopes.
“Wake up, Jim.” Bones snaps his fingers by Jim’s face, which earns him a frown as Jim gets to his feet.
“I’m awake.” He leads the way through the crowd and is glad to be outside. “You know, that’s not nearly as fun when I’m sober.”
“It’s not nearly as fun when you’re not looking for someone to fuck, either,” Bones points out. “Anyway, if you weren’t having any fun, why weren’t you drinking more?”
Jim shrugs. “I’m keeping an eye on that sort of thing. Pike thought it would be a good idea to be careful with it, since I’m in the officer program. Before I graduated, it wasn’t so important, I guess.”
“It’s not that important now, Captain,” Bones drawls. “You’ll find out tomorrow if you’re going to have to be a good influence for your crew or not. I’m still trying to come to terms with the idea of you being a good influence.”
“I’d rather not think about tomorrow,” he admits, frowning up at the sky as they walk around the building to where he parked Jess. Two more days. The week is going too fast. He wishes there was a way to slow it down, because he’s now more worried about Saturday than he was before. It’s impossible to celebrate being captain when he might not even be keeping the position, and Barnett said that Bones is being requested by numerous people, so the chance of them being stationed together is even smaller than he originally hoped.
“It’s going to work itself out,” Bones tells him, reaching out to touch his shoulder. “I’m attempting that optimism shit that you told me about, so you’d better appreciate it.”
Jim slowly smiles. “I do. I’m just finding it difficult to be that optimistic right now.” They reach Jess, and he straddles her. “So, are you planning to tell me what’s got you acting so moody tonight?”
“Maybe it’s because I’m a realist and slightly cynical, even if I’m attempting to be hopeful for your meeting tomorrow. Maybe it’s because it was one of those days that left me feeling moody.” He frowns and looks up at the cloudy sky. “We’ve only got two more days, Jim. Everything changes on Saturday.”
“You told me that I needed to stop counting the days so we could just enjoy the time we do have,” he reminds Bones. He still counts, but he’s been doing his best to treat every day as if it’s normal and not one of their last ones together. Well, except for the sex. That’s been unbelievable, mostly because they both seem to lose their inhibitions when they realize it might be the only chance they get to be together. He is oversexed right now, and he still can’t get enough of Bones.
“I guess I’m better at giving advice than I am at listening to it,” Bones says thoughtfully. “I can’t believe that you’re actually listening to it.”
Jim smiles wryly. “It’s better than spending our last few days together stressed and anxious. Besides, I don’t have any regrets about any of it, whatever happens tomorrow. I’d rather reevaluate my future plans than sacrifice my team.”
“Barnett’s not the type to be swayed by pressure, but it’s not just up to him, is it? I mean, in the big scheme of things, he’s not that high on the pyramid of hierarchy. It’s those political assholes at headquarters who have the most control.”
“One good thing about the political assholes versus a military-minded admiral is that they might look at the big picture instead of focusing on the whole threatening thing,” Jim tells him. “I’ve learned that much after all the recent luncheons. Maybe that’s what Pike wanted me to see, so I’d realize that being an officer is a lot more than just taking care of my ship and my crew.”
Bones frowns. “Who knows what game Pike’s playing.”
“I still think he’s looking out for me,” Jim says honestly. He tilts his head slightly as he studies Bones’ face. “You know, I never meant for it to sound that way, like I was trying to use pressure to get my way. I’m just thinking about what’s best for the Enterprise and for Starfleet. My team saved the world once already, so just think how amazing we’ll be with a little more practice.”
“Based on what you told me you remembered saying, I don’t think Barnett can really consider it a threat. You were just honest and rash and jumping without looking, as usual.” Bones shakes his head and straddles Jessica, wrapping his arms around Jim’s waist. “It’s been a busy day. I’m ready to go home.”
It’s a short drive back to the dorms. After parking Jessica, they go inside and Jim falls on top of Bones’ bed. “I can’t believe we’ll soon be moving out of the dorms,” he says as he watches Bones take off his shoes. “It’s probably pathetic that this has been more of a home to me than anywhere else in my life.”
“I don’t think it’s pathetic. More sad than anything,” Bones says honestly. He straightens his shoes and lies on his stomach next to Jim. He pulls a pillow towards him then turns his head so that he’s looking at Jim. “It’s become my home, too. We’ll settle in wherever they send us next, though. We’re both resilient like that.”
“You’re probably going to call me a sentimental woman again, but, well, I don’t see how I can think of anywhere as home if you’re not there,” Jim admits. He rolls his head to the side to look at Bones. “In three years, you’ve made me feel like I belong somewhere, which I hadn’t felt for twenty-two years prior to our meeting. I just can’t imagine--“
Bones reaches out his hand and covers Jim’s lips with his fingers. “Unless you want me to become sullen and depressed, we should probably change the subject.”
Jim kisses his fingers before he sighs. “I don’t want to think about it, either, but it’s more difficult to ignore it when it’s so close. It hurts to consider my life without you right there, Bones. I can’t explain it because I don’t really understand it, but it’s how I feel.”
“It’ll hurt, but you’ll survive. So will I. It’s just part of life,” Bones says. “The worst part of all this is that I knew better. I knew that graduation was so close and that the chances of us ending up assigned to the same place was minimal. But I’d rather remember these weeks with you than being stuck wondering what it would have been like.”
Jim smiles slightly. “You know, we’re getting a little better about all this talking and shit.”
Bones blinks and starts to laugh. “Now, see, that’s pathetic, when this can be considered ‘better’.” He rolls onto his side and his lips curve into a crooked smile. “I think people spend too much time talking about this shit sometimes. Words aren’t always necessary you know?”
“I’m good with talking unless it’s about stuff like this.” Jim rolls over onto his side so that he’s facing Bones. “More of an action kind of guy.”
“Actions speak louder than words,” Bones drawls as he reaches over to touch Jim’s jaw. “You didn’t shave this morning, did you?”
“Nah. Thoughts about a certain someone distracted me while I was in the shower, and you know I was nearly late to my lesson,” he says. “Does it make me look older?”
“It’s a bit of stubble, Jim, not a complete beard.” Bones rolls his eyes. “You’re still young and pretty. Hell, you probably will be even when you’re eighty.”
Jim grins. “I’ll make wrinkles look good.”
“I guess we’ll find out in another three or four decades,” Bones says dryly.
“I hope so,” he whispers, touching Bones’ cheek as he stares at him. He licks his lips and moves his left leg over onto Bones’ legs. “What put you into such a bad mood tonight, Bones?”
He closes his eyes and moves his face into Jim’s hand, kissing his palm lightly. “Various reasons,” he finally murmurs as he opens his eyes.
Tonight, his eyes are predominantly green instead of brown, and Jim thinks they look beautiful, even though they look sad. He’s never really understood when people talk about eyes showing emotions and shit, beyond the basic look of desire, but Bones’ eyes are showing him sadness without tears or wavering. It makes his stomach hurt because it’s difficult to be hopeful about them when Bones seems to have resigned himself to separation after Saturday.
“Want to talk about it?” he asks.
“Not particularly, since I’m sure you’re aware of most of the reasons,” Bones says. He shifts on the bed and moves his fingers over the bite on Jim’s neck. “It’s just been an overwhelming sort of day. Trying to prepare for graduation and what happens after. Worrying about you and your stand-off with Barnett. Realizing that I’m in too deep, probably much too fast, after I swore I’d never have another relationship. Dealing with the thought of losing you from my life. Contending with my ex-wife’s refusal to let me even speak to my daughter, much less see her. Want me to go on?”
Hearing Bones call this whatever it is happening between them a relationship is slightly surprising. Jim’s thought it before, but he thinks this is the first time it’s actually been verbalized. He doesn’t do relationships. That’s too much commitment for him. Hell, he didn’t even do friendship until Bones sat next to him on that shuttle years ago. Maybe it’s kismet, though that sounds so ridiculous that he feels silly even thinking it. Still, his first friendship was with Bones and now his first actual relationship is with him, too.
“You’re not going to lose me,” he tells him firmly. “If I can’t worry about losing you, then you can’t worry about it, either.” He moves a little closer. “You contacted the Ex today?”
“That’s probably what pushed me over into the horrible mood, though it was pretty bad even before that,” he mutters. “I stupidly thought that she might actually let me talk to Joanna, but she made excuses. Jocelyn’s gotten really good at excuses since we separated.”
Jocelyn. Jim frowns at hearing the name. He prefers to think of her as a black shadowy shape simply called ‘the Ex’. In a way, he’s grateful to her, though. If she hadn’t been such a horrid bitch, he wouldn’t have ever met Bones. This isn’t about him and his issues with the other woman. This is about Bones actually telling him about a call to his daughter, which he never really talks about.
“Can’t you go to court or something to get better visitation?” he asks. “It isn’t fair that she can just fuck you around and never let you see your own daughter.”
Bones laughs humorlessly. “She’s probably right that Joanna’s better off without me in her life. You know, I haven’t seen her in person since she was two. The new husband has been there for the last two and a half years, so she’s known him longer, really, than she ever knew me.” He frowns and drops his gaze. “I have to try, even if I know Jocelyn won’t likely budge. When Jo’s older and hates me for never being in her life, I’ll at least know that I tried and wanted to be involved.”
“Is that what the Ex says?” Jim’s angry at the faceless bitch for hurting Bones, for keeping him from his own kid, for making him look so defeated. “She’s full of shit, Bones. Joanna isn’t better off, and I hope she’ll grow up to resent that bitch for keeping you two apart when any idiot can see how much you love her.”
“No, she’s not,” Bones says quietly. “Joanna’s better off without me, Jim. I knew Jocelyn was right about that; it’s why I finally stopped fighting for custody. I can’t even blame her, you know? After what I put her through, I can understand her hatred. Doesn’t make it any easier to know that I’ll never be part of my daughter’s life, no matter how hard I try.”
“There’s nothing that you could have done to warrant the Ex keeping you from even speaking to your daughter,” Jim says firmly. “A child deserves to have their parents in their lives. You’re not like my mom, and it’s not fucking fair that Joanna might grow up thinking you’re like her.”
Bones looks at him and frowns. “There is. I lost everything, Jim. We lived in a small town, and we had to move because the whispers became too much for her. My job was gone, I was a bigger mess than I was when we first met, and I couldn’t forgive myself, so how was she supposed to live like that? Everything went to shit, me included.”
“No, you didn’t,” Jim tells him. “Whatever happened, it doesn’t make it right to take your daughter away and forbid you from being part of her life. You haven’t seen her since she was two, Bones. Nothing you did can warrant that.” He curls his leg more firmly around Bones. “What happened?”
“Nothing.” Bones frowns and looks down at the pillow Jim’s lying on.
“Alright. See, this? Is not nothing,” Jim points out. “You don’t get to push me to open up about things I want to forget and then lock me out. We’re together, Bones, and that means being honest, even if it’s not easy. God only knows that you’re been my rock more times than I count, so let me be yours this time. Please.”
“Damn it, Jim.” Bones moves his head closer and rests his forehead against Jim’s, sharing his pillow. “I screwed up, and she was stuck dealing with the fallout. I was too withdrawn and, fuck, I don’t know, crazy by then to be much help. All I did was make it worse.”
“People screw up. I do at least once a day,” Jim says quietly. “Maybe not on a grand scale all the time, but, well, there’s the whole captain thing as the most recent example.” He moves his hand to rest on Bones’ forearm. “What happened, Bones?”
He closes his eyes and whispers, “I killed my father.”
Of all the things that Bones could have said, that isn’t something that Jim expected. He knows that his eyes widened, so he’s glad that Bones can’t see him. Bones has mentioned that his father died after an illness, but he never has told Jim any details. He can remember him saying something recently about it, in fact, but he never thought that Bones felt responsible for it. He hesitantly asks, “What do you mean?”
“What do you think I mean? He’s dead because of me.” Bones tightens his grip on Jim’s hip. “He had a virus and was dying. I spent over a year trying to find a cure, but I failed, couldn’t find anything that’d help him at all. He asked me…he asked me to help because he didn’t have the strength to do it on his own. He couldn’t live with the pain anymore, and he was my dad. It’d just been me and him for so many years, since my mom was killed, and he was so frail.”
“Oh, Bones.” Jim holds him even closer, though there isn’t really enough room to get closer. He just needs to hold him because he doesn’t know what to say. At all. Bones seems to have taken complete responsibility for his father’s death, which is typical of him but not right at all. Jim can’t really imagine what it must have been like to be unable to help save him and only able to help by letting him go. It hurts his heart to see Bones this way, to hear him, to know that he can’t do anything to make this pain go away.
“I couldn’t tell him no, not when it was my fault that he wasn’t cured yet.” Bones’ voice is hoarse and low, and Jim can practically feel how difficult it is for him to talk about this. Bones opens his eyes and looks at him. “I helped him die, Jim. I’m a doctor, and I helped take a life.”
“No, you didn’t kill him,” Jim says. Bones probably can’t see this situation for how it is, since it involves him, but Jim knows that there’s nothing Bones could have done. If there had been, he’d have done it because he’s too brilliant and stubborn to have given up if he thought there were other options. “You helped ease his suffering. If your ex-wife and those close-minded assholes in your small town couldn’t understand that, then fuck them. You didn’t fail him, Bones.” He leans forward and kisses Bones, pulling him closer as he moves his mouth over his cheek and jaw. “You didn’t fail him or yourself.”
“I did,” Bones insists. “It wasn’t long after he died that someone found a cure. He could have lived long enough for that. If I’d refused to help, he’d have been alive when they found the cure.”
“Stop that. You’re an amazing doctor, but you can’t tell the damn future,” he points out. “You can’t add this burden of guilt to all the others on your shoulders because you helped your father find the peace that he wanted. If I was talking this way, you’d be calling me out on it, and you know it.”
Bones looks at him but doesn’t say anything. Jim brushes his fingers through Bones’ hair, trying to soothe him. “It just hurts,” Bones says softly, not even loud enough to qualify as a whisper. “I miss him so much, Jim.”
He doesn’t know what it’s like to have a parent, not one who is around and supportive and cares. He used to lie to himself about his mother, but he realized years ago that she quit caring about anything except work when his father died. The day he was born. That’s probably one reason she dislikes him. He not only looks like his father, but he’s a living reminder of everything she lost.
This isn’t about him, though. It’s about Bones. There’s nothing he can say to make this better and he doesn’t understand the loss, but he knows Bones, he knows how much he’s hurting probably every damn day and how that bitch of an ex-wife has used that guilt to ruin him. He wants to be here, to let him know that he’s not turning away. He shifts on the bed and moves his arm around Bones’ shoulders, hugging him close as he kisses his face.
“It’s okay. I’m here, Bones. I’ve got you,” he murmurs in between kisses. “And I’m not letting go.”
End
#24: Stir | #26: Skid
Pairing: Kirk/McCoy
Summary: Going to the bar isn’t as much fun when he isn't drinking a lot
Rating: Adult/R
Word Count: 4570
A/N: #25 in the Two Men & a Motorbike series. Follows Stir
Bones is in a terrible mood. Obviously, making sure that he didn’t sleep all morning hadn’t helped because Jim can’t remember the last time he’s been this moody. Probably back during the first week of school, when they’d both pretty much spent all their free time at the bar closest to campus: Jim getting drunk and Bones bitching constantly. That’s really the only time that he can remember Bones being this temperamental, and he knows part of that was due to the divorce and shit. Of course, it’s not like he’s really paid a lot of attention during their past trips to bars, since he was too busy drinking himself into a stupor or trying to pick up women. Now that he’s attempting this whole ‘in moderation’ thing in some areas of his life, though, he’s a lot more observant.
“What are you staring at?” Bones asks gruffly.
“You,” Jim says simply. He’s on his third beer, and he actually plans to make this one last if he can. While it’s pretty weird to be at the bar and stay sober, he has to admit that it’s not all bad. He doesn’t really have to escape into the alcohol anymore, so there’s not such a driving need to get so drunk that he sees double. Funny how he never even realized that he was using it as an escape until he had to start being more careful about it.
“Yeah, well, stop. I’m not here for your amusement,” Bones grumbles. His words lack the hint of teasing that usually accompanies his bitching. That’s not a good sign.
“Alright. I’ll stop looking.” Jim turns his chair slightly and watches a couple of blonde women playing pool. Well, they’re supposed to be playing but it’s obvious that they’re flirting with a couple of men drinking nearby.
“Maybe you should go join them if you find them that interesting.” Bones glares at him and takes another drink from his bottle. Damn, he’s grumpy.
Jim wonders if this is what it was like all that nights he and Bones would go out and he’d get too drunk to walk back to school on his own. Probably not; he generally becomes friendly and affectionate when he’s drinking. Bones, on the other hand, becomes withdrawn and argumentative. Maybe he’s had more to drink tonight than Jim realized, since he definitely seems to be in the argumentative phase right now. It’s so weird being the sober, responsible one that it’s tempting to drink too much just so that he doesn’t have to deal with it.
“You told me to stop looking at you, so I did,” he says matter-of-factly. He looks at Bones and arches a brow. “If you want me to stop looking at anyone, namely women if your griping is any indication, I’ll have to leave because the place is crawling with women, so there’s not much chance of me being able to find somewhere to look where there won’t be at least one around.”
“Right. It’s not your fault that you happened to look at the two most scantily dressed, desperate-for-a-man blondes in the whole place.” Bones snorts. “It’s second nature to you, isn’t it? I saw you scoping everyone out when we got here, classifying them just like always.”
“Guess it is.” He considers it. “I just do it out of habit. It’s not important, though, because you’re the one I’m going home with.”
Bones ducks his head but not before Jim notices the crooked smile. When he raises his head again, he looks at Jim and arches his brow. “Confident about that, aren’t you?” Bones smirks. “Should make you work for it. I’m not easy, and I’m not a sure thing, kid.”
“That a challenge, old man?” he asks as he moves his foot along Bones’ leg beneath the table. Sexy Bones is a vast improvement over Grumpy Bones. “It’d be pretty easy to slip under this table and suck you so hard that you scream yourself hoarse while everyone watches.”
“I’m not a screamer.” Bones takes another drink of his beer and licks the top of the bottle in a very deliberate way. Jim shifts in his chair and rolls his eyes when Bones smiles smugly. “You don’t always have to talk to arouse,” Bones tells him as if he’s imparting wisdom.
“Yeah, but talking is fun, even if I don’t have a sexy Southern accent.” Jim winks before he sucks the tip of his bottle into his mouth.
“You get turned on by the strangest things.” Bones lowers his voice. “Stop being so obvious or people are going to notice. It’s bad enough with the groping under the table, but fellating your beer bottle isn’t subtle at all.”
Jim snorts. “When have I ever been good with subtlety? Besides, who cares if someone sees? It’s not like we’re having sex on the table. Unless you’re feeling particularly daring and have had enough to drink for me to suggest that?”
“You should care, Captain,” Bones says quietly.
“So, it’s perfectly acceptable for me to hop from one woman to another, but it’s not alright for me to openly flirt with my…with you?” Jim frowns. “I might be new to this whole being with a man thing, but it’s not something I’m ashamed of.”
“It’s not like that.” Bones shakes his head. “If you’re a captain, you’ll have to deal with a lot of cultures that aren’t like ours. There are beings who would be offended by where you’re sticking your dick, whether it’s any of their business or not. You have to be careful about that, Jim. Not everyone out there is as accepting of it as they are on Earth.”
“Damn it, Bones. You can’t be all smart and protective while telling me that I’m not allowed to leer in public,” Jim says with a pout. Bones is right, he knows, but he can’t accept the idea that he has to hide something, and someone, so important to him just because of possible future diplomacy. Everyone’s likely to be offended by him for some reason or another, so it shouldn’t matter.
“You’re impossible,” Bones informs him. He doesn’t seem to be as moody as he has been most of the night, so Jim’s glad he was patient enough to wait without pushing. Bones looks at his mouth before he stares at the blondes playing pool. Jim can see the nerve in his cheek twitch, which means he probably could get under the table and Bones would be aroused enough to let him with only a minimum amount of bitching. Not that he’s going to actually do that, but the thought turns him on anyway.
“Yeah, I am,” he agrees. “We should go back to the dorm, I think. I’m starting to lose my willpower when it comes to resisting the urge to kiss you. It’s your lips’ fault, of course, not mine.”
Bones snorts. “My lips are to blame? Somehow, I find that difficult to believe. It’s probably time to go, though. It’s been one of those days, and I’m in danger of becoming a moody bastard if I keep drinking.”
Jim manages to catch himself before he asks if Bones means moodier bastard. “Yeah, it’s been a long day. Chekov wore me out this morning. Too much energy in that kid, or maybe I was just worn out after last night.” He leers slightly and licks his lips. “Speaking of, tonight I think that I’d like to find out if I can take advantage of you while you’re drunk.”
“Asshole.” Bones smirks. “There won’t be any advantage taking. I’m not drunk; I’m just slightly buzzed. Besides, I think you’ve worn out my cock.”
“Nah, it still works,” Jim says with a grin, deciding that it’s better not to argue the point of sobriety right now. “It’s just not used to being used so much, so it’s out of practice.”
“I’ve been keeping up with your oversexed ass, kid, so I’m not out of practice.” Bones scowls and finishes his bottle. He puts it on the table and stands up. “Let’s go.”
Jim studies him a moment and hopes that the moody phase has passed, because he doesn’t want to waste the night. It’s already Thursday, so they only have one more night together after this one. Of course, depending on what Barnett tells him tomorrow, he might be leaving sooner. They can’t stop him from graduating just because he refused their promotion, though. He hopes.
“Wake up, Jim.” Bones snaps his fingers by Jim’s face, which earns him a frown as Jim gets to his feet.
“I’m awake.” He leads the way through the crowd and is glad to be outside. “You know, that’s not nearly as fun when I’m sober.”
“It’s not nearly as fun when you’re not looking for someone to fuck, either,” Bones points out. “Anyway, if you weren’t having any fun, why weren’t you drinking more?”
Jim shrugs. “I’m keeping an eye on that sort of thing. Pike thought it would be a good idea to be careful with it, since I’m in the officer program. Before I graduated, it wasn’t so important, I guess.”
“It’s not that important now, Captain,” Bones drawls. “You’ll find out tomorrow if you’re going to have to be a good influence for your crew or not. I’m still trying to come to terms with the idea of you being a good influence.”
“I’d rather not think about tomorrow,” he admits, frowning up at the sky as they walk around the building to where he parked Jess. Two more days. The week is going too fast. He wishes there was a way to slow it down, because he’s now more worried about Saturday than he was before. It’s impossible to celebrate being captain when he might not even be keeping the position, and Barnett said that Bones is being requested by numerous people, so the chance of them being stationed together is even smaller than he originally hoped.
“It’s going to work itself out,” Bones tells him, reaching out to touch his shoulder. “I’m attempting that optimism shit that you told me about, so you’d better appreciate it.”
Jim slowly smiles. “I do. I’m just finding it difficult to be that optimistic right now.” They reach Jess, and he straddles her. “So, are you planning to tell me what’s got you acting so moody tonight?”
“Maybe it’s because I’m a realist and slightly cynical, even if I’m attempting to be hopeful for your meeting tomorrow. Maybe it’s because it was one of those days that left me feeling moody.” He frowns and looks up at the cloudy sky. “We’ve only got two more days, Jim. Everything changes on Saturday.”
“You told me that I needed to stop counting the days so we could just enjoy the time we do have,” he reminds Bones. He still counts, but he’s been doing his best to treat every day as if it’s normal and not one of their last ones together. Well, except for the sex. That’s been unbelievable, mostly because they both seem to lose their inhibitions when they realize it might be the only chance they get to be together. He is oversexed right now, and he still can’t get enough of Bones.
“I guess I’m better at giving advice than I am at listening to it,” Bones says thoughtfully. “I can’t believe that you’re actually listening to it.”
Jim smiles wryly. “It’s better than spending our last few days together stressed and anxious. Besides, I don’t have any regrets about any of it, whatever happens tomorrow. I’d rather reevaluate my future plans than sacrifice my team.”
“Barnett’s not the type to be swayed by pressure, but it’s not just up to him, is it? I mean, in the big scheme of things, he’s not that high on the pyramid of hierarchy. It’s those political assholes at headquarters who have the most control.”
“One good thing about the political assholes versus a military-minded admiral is that they might look at the big picture instead of focusing on the whole threatening thing,” Jim tells him. “I’ve learned that much after all the recent luncheons. Maybe that’s what Pike wanted me to see, so I’d realize that being an officer is a lot more than just taking care of my ship and my crew.”
Bones frowns. “Who knows what game Pike’s playing.”
“I still think he’s looking out for me,” Jim says honestly. He tilts his head slightly as he studies Bones’ face. “You know, I never meant for it to sound that way, like I was trying to use pressure to get my way. I’m just thinking about what’s best for the Enterprise and for Starfleet. My team saved the world once already, so just think how amazing we’ll be with a little more practice.”
“Based on what you told me you remembered saying, I don’t think Barnett can really consider it a threat. You were just honest and rash and jumping without looking, as usual.” Bones shakes his head and straddles Jessica, wrapping his arms around Jim’s waist. “It’s been a busy day. I’m ready to go home.”
It’s a short drive back to the dorms. After parking Jessica, they go inside and Jim falls on top of Bones’ bed. “I can’t believe we’ll soon be moving out of the dorms,” he says as he watches Bones take off his shoes. “It’s probably pathetic that this has been more of a home to me than anywhere else in my life.”
“I don’t think it’s pathetic. More sad than anything,” Bones says honestly. He straightens his shoes and lies on his stomach next to Jim. He pulls a pillow towards him then turns his head so that he’s looking at Jim. “It’s become my home, too. We’ll settle in wherever they send us next, though. We’re both resilient like that.”
“You’re probably going to call me a sentimental woman again, but, well, I don’t see how I can think of anywhere as home if you’re not there,” Jim admits. He rolls his head to the side to look at Bones. “In three years, you’ve made me feel like I belong somewhere, which I hadn’t felt for twenty-two years prior to our meeting. I just can’t imagine--“
Bones reaches out his hand and covers Jim’s lips with his fingers. “Unless you want me to become sullen and depressed, we should probably change the subject.”
Jim kisses his fingers before he sighs. “I don’t want to think about it, either, but it’s more difficult to ignore it when it’s so close. It hurts to consider my life without you right there, Bones. I can’t explain it because I don’t really understand it, but it’s how I feel.”
“It’ll hurt, but you’ll survive. So will I. It’s just part of life,” Bones says. “The worst part of all this is that I knew better. I knew that graduation was so close and that the chances of us ending up assigned to the same place was minimal. But I’d rather remember these weeks with you than being stuck wondering what it would have been like.”
Jim smiles slightly. “You know, we’re getting a little better about all this talking and shit.”
Bones blinks and starts to laugh. “Now, see, that’s pathetic, when this can be considered ‘better’.” He rolls onto his side and his lips curve into a crooked smile. “I think people spend too much time talking about this shit sometimes. Words aren’t always necessary you know?”
“I’m good with talking unless it’s about stuff like this.” Jim rolls over onto his side so that he’s facing Bones. “More of an action kind of guy.”
“Actions speak louder than words,” Bones drawls as he reaches over to touch Jim’s jaw. “You didn’t shave this morning, did you?”
“Nah. Thoughts about a certain someone distracted me while I was in the shower, and you know I was nearly late to my lesson,” he says. “Does it make me look older?”
“It’s a bit of stubble, Jim, not a complete beard.” Bones rolls his eyes. “You’re still young and pretty. Hell, you probably will be even when you’re eighty.”
Jim grins. “I’ll make wrinkles look good.”
“I guess we’ll find out in another three or four decades,” Bones says dryly.
“I hope so,” he whispers, touching Bones’ cheek as he stares at him. He licks his lips and moves his left leg over onto Bones’ legs. “What put you into such a bad mood tonight, Bones?”
He closes his eyes and moves his face into Jim’s hand, kissing his palm lightly. “Various reasons,” he finally murmurs as he opens his eyes.
Tonight, his eyes are predominantly green instead of brown, and Jim thinks they look beautiful, even though they look sad. He’s never really understood when people talk about eyes showing emotions and shit, beyond the basic look of desire, but Bones’ eyes are showing him sadness without tears or wavering. It makes his stomach hurt because it’s difficult to be hopeful about them when Bones seems to have resigned himself to separation after Saturday.
“Want to talk about it?” he asks.
“Not particularly, since I’m sure you’re aware of most of the reasons,” Bones says. He shifts on the bed and moves his fingers over the bite on Jim’s neck. “It’s just been an overwhelming sort of day. Trying to prepare for graduation and what happens after. Worrying about you and your stand-off with Barnett. Realizing that I’m in too deep, probably much too fast, after I swore I’d never have another relationship. Dealing with the thought of losing you from my life. Contending with my ex-wife’s refusal to let me even speak to my daughter, much less see her. Want me to go on?”
Hearing Bones call this whatever it is happening between them a relationship is slightly surprising. Jim’s thought it before, but he thinks this is the first time it’s actually been verbalized. He doesn’t do relationships. That’s too much commitment for him. Hell, he didn’t even do friendship until Bones sat next to him on that shuttle years ago. Maybe it’s kismet, though that sounds so ridiculous that he feels silly even thinking it. Still, his first friendship was with Bones and now his first actual relationship is with him, too.
“You’re not going to lose me,” he tells him firmly. “If I can’t worry about losing you, then you can’t worry about it, either.” He moves a little closer. “You contacted the Ex today?”
“That’s probably what pushed me over into the horrible mood, though it was pretty bad even before that,” he mutters. “I stupidly thought that she might actually let me talk to Joanna, but she made excuses. Jocelyn’s gotten really good at excuses since we separated.”
Jocelyn. Jim frowns at hearing the name. He prefers to think of her as a black shadowy shape simply called ‘the Ex’. In a way, he’s grateful to her, though. If she hadn’t been such a horrid bitch, he wouldn’t have ever met Bones. This isn’t about him and his issues with the other woman. This is about Bones actually telling him about a call to his daughter, which he never really talks about.
“Can’t you go to court or something to get better visitation?” he asks. “It isn’t fair that she can just fuck you around and never let you see your own daughter.”
Bones laughs humorlessly. “She’s probably right that Joanna’s better off without me in her life. You know, I haven’t seen her in person since she was two. The new husband has been there for the last two and a half years, so she’s known him longer, really, than she ever knew me.” He frowns and drops his gaze. “I have to try, even if I know Jocelyn won’t likely budge. When Jo’s older and hates me for never being in her life, I’ll at least know that I tried and wanted to be involved.”
“Is that what the Ex says?” Jim’s angry at the faceless bitch for hurting Bones, for keeping him from his own kid, for making him look so defeated. “She’s full of shit, Bones. Joanna isn’t better off, and I hope she’ll grow up to resent that bitch for keeping you two apart when any idiot can see how much you love her.”
“No, she’s not,” Bones says quietly. “Joanna’s better off without me, Jim. I knew Jocelyn was right about that; it’s why I finally stopped fighting for custody. I can’t even blame her, you know? After what I put her through, I can understand her hatred. Doesn’t make it any easier to know that I’ll never be part of my daughter’s life, no matter how hard I try.”
“There’s nothing that you could have done to warrant the Ex keeping you from even speaking to your daughter,” Jim says firmly. “A child deserves to have their parents in their lives. You’re not like my mom, and it’s not fucking fair that Joanna might grow up thinking you’re like her.”
Bones looks at him and frowns. “There is. I lost everything, Jim. We lived in a small town, and we had to move because the whispers became too much for her. My job was gone, I was a bigger mess than I was when we first met, and I couldn’t forgive myself, so how was she supposed to live like that? Everything went to shit, me included.”
“No, you didn’t,” Jim tells him. “Whatever happened, it doesn’t make it right to take your daughter away and forbid you from being part of her life. You haven’t seen her since she was two, Bones. Nothing you did can warrant that.” He curls his leg more firmly around Bones. “What happened?”
“Nothing.” Bones frowns and looks down at the pillow Jim’s lying on.
“Alright. See, this? Is not nothing,” Jim points out. “You don’t get to push me to open up about things I want to forget and then lock me out. We’re together, Bones, and that means being honest, even if it’s not easy. God only knows that you’re been my rock more times than I count, so let me be yours this time. Please.”
“Damn it, Jim.” Bones moves his head closer and rests his forehead against Jim’s, sharing his pillow. “I screwed up, and she was stuck dealing with the fallout. I was too withdrawn and, fuck, I don’t know, crazy by then to be much help. All I did was make it worse.”
“People screw up. I do at least once a day,” Jim says quietly. “Maybe not on a grand scale all the time, but, well, there’s the whole captain thing as the most recent example.” He moves his hand to rest on Bones’ forearm. “What happened, Bones?”
He closes his eyes and whispers, “I killed my father.”
Of all the things that Bones could have said, that isn’t something that Jim expected. He knows that his eyes widened, so he’s glad that Bones can’t see him. Bones has mentioned that his father died after an illness, but he never has told Jim any details. He can remember him saying something recently about it, in fact, but he never thought that Bones felt responsible for it. He hesitantly asks, “What do you mean?”
“What do you think I mean? He’s dead because of me.” Bones tightens his grip on Jim’s hip. “He had a virus and was dying. I spent over a year trying to find a cure, but I failed, couldn’t find anything that’d help him at all. He asked me…he asked me to help because he didn’t have the strength to do it on his own. He couldn’t live with the pain anymore, and he was my dad. It’d just been me and him for so many years, since my mom was killed, and he was so frail.”
“Oh, Bones.” Jim holds him even closer, though there isn’t really enough room to get closer. He just needs to hold him because he doesn’t know what to say. At all. Bones seems to have taken complete responsibility for his father’s death, which is typical of him but not right at all. Jim can’t really imagine what it must have been like to be unable to help save him and only able to help by letting him go. It hurts his heart to see Bones this way, to hear him, to know that he can’t do anything to make this pain go away.
“I couldn’t tell him no, not when it was my fault that he wasn’t cured yet.” Bones’ voice is hoarse and low, and Jim can practically feel how difficult it is for him to talk about this. Bones opens his eyes and looks at him. “I helped him die, Jim. I’m a doctor, and I helped take a life.”
“No, you didn’t kill him,” Jim says. Bones probably can’t see this situation for how it is, since it involves him, but Jim knows that there’s nothing Bones could have done. If there had been, he’d have done it because he’s too brilliant and stubborn to have given up if he thought there were other options. “You helped ease his suffering. If your ex-wife and those close-minded assholes in your small town couldn’t understand that, then fuck them. You didn’t fail him, Bones.” He leans forward and kisses Bones, pulling him closer as he moves his mouth over his cheek and jaw. “You didn’t fail him or yourself.”
“I did,” Bones insists. “It wasn’t long after he died that someone found a cure. He could have lived long enough for that. If I’d refused to help, he’d have been alive when they found the cure.”
“Stop that. You’re an amazing doctor, but you can’t tell the damn future,” he points out. “You can’t add this burden of guilt to all the others on your shoulders because you helped your father find the peace that he wanted. If I was talking this way, you’d be calling me out on it, and you know it.”
Bones looks at him but doesn’t say anything. Jim brushes his fingers through Bones’ hair, trying to soothe him. “It just hurts,” Bones says softly, not even loud enough to qualify as a whisper. “I miss him so much, Jim.”
He doesn’t know what it’s like to have a parent, not one who is around and supportive and cares. He used to lie to himself about his mother, but he realized years ago that she quit caring about anything except work when his father died. The day he was born. That’s probably one reason she dislikes him. He not only looks like his father, but he’s a living reminder of everything she lost.
This isn’t about him, though. It’s about Bones. There’s nothing he can say to make this better and he doesn’t understand the loss, but he knows Bones, he knows how much he’s hurting probably every damn day and how that bitch of an ex-wife has used that guilt to ruin him. He wants to be here, to let him know that he’s not turning away. He shifts on the bed and moves his arm around Bones’ shoulders, hugging him close as he kisses his face.
“It’s okay. I’m here, Bones. I’ve got you,” he murmurs in between kisses. “And I’m not letting go.”
End
#24: Stir | #26: Skid