Fic: Limbo (Kirk/McCoy)
Title: Limbo
Pairing: Kirk/McCoy
Summary: Jim tells Bones about his meeting with Admiral Barnett
Rating: Teen/PG13
Word Count: 3560
A/N: #23 in the Two Men & a Motorbike series. Follows Stand
Lunch time obviously has different meanings to different people. Jim has never really thought about it, since lunch is usually whenever he’s hungry and has a moment to get some food. Generally, that’s sometime around noon. It’s now almost two, so Bones must eat later. Normally, it wouldn’t be an issue. Jim isn’t the type to watch a clock and insist on being with his whatever-Bones-is every spare minute. Sure, he gets jealous, which is actually not something he ever expected, especially considering his own past, but he knows that people can’t spend every minute together or things get suffocating.
Today, however, isn’t a typical day. He’s had hours now where he’s done nothing but think about his conversation with Barnett, and he needs Bones. He’s making himself crazy. His head is filled with possible scenarios for how his future might go, and he’s still so damn tempted to go get drunk and pick a fight despite knowing that it isn’t the best thing to do. But not even a ride to his cliff helped. All he could do was sit there and worry that he’d thrown away three years of incredibly hard work out of some noble sentiment that isn’t worth anything to anyone but him.
He has to laugh, though it quickly becomes a groan as he covers his face with his hands. Noble just isn’t a word that describes him. Selfish prick and reckless asshole tend to be the most common, even more than sex god, though he prefers the latter if he gets a choice. Who wouldn’t? Why did he have to choose one of the most important days of his life to become so damn righteous? It’s not like he doesn’t care about other people, in an abstract sort of way except for Bones, who has always mattered, but he’s never been the type to just risk his whole future because it’s the right thing to do. Well, unless it concerns risking his life to save someone; that, he’s pretty good at.
He’s the youngest captain in Federation history. That’s something they’ll write about, that cadets will learn in the future, and it’s something that he’s earned. He rubs the back of his neck and taps his foot nervously as he realized that no one might ever know because, Friday, he’ll resign and fade away into obscurity since here’s no way that Starfleet will ever give him another chance. He’ll end up working in a garage or on a farm or tending bar. And he’ll be known as ‘that guy who saved the world once’, only no one will believe it because he’s never done anything with his life.
When he hears the door slide open, he looks up as Bones enters the room and blurts out, “I’m going to be a crazy old man who talks about my big heroic moment and all the kids in town make fun of me and I’ll become a huge drunk because there’ll be nothing else to do with my life.”
Bones stops in the middle of putting his bag down and stares at Jim. “Huh?”
“I can’t be that crazy old man, Bones.” He stands up and begins to pace. “What was I thinking? Damn it.” He stops and looks at Bones again. “Maybe you can say that I have some kind of space fever that only just now started showing up. I’ll even let you use a hypospray.”
“Jim, calm down.” Bones is using his patient ‘kid, you keep this up and I’m going to smack you’ voice, which isn’t actually very patient when used on him. Jim stops rambling and wonders why that is. Bones puts down his bag and walks towards him. “Now, would you care to explain why you’re hysterical?”
“I’m not hysterical,” Jim denies. “I’ve just had a really shitty day, which sucks because it should be a really great day. I should be celebrating and having wild sex with you and enjoying myself, damn it.”
Bones arches a brow. “If you stomp your foot, I’m going to start worrying that you have contracted some sort of unknown virus.”
“You might think that you’re cute, but you’re not. At all.” Jim sulks and runs his fingers through his hair. He doesn’t want to ask, because he’s too old, plus it’s not very manly, but he could really use a hug now. He steps closer to Bones and sort of bumps his arm with his elbow before giving him a look that he hopes says ‘hug me, damn it’.
“We’ve already had discussions about the use of the word cute. I’m not a puppy or Chekov, so it’s not appropriate,” Bones reminds him. He frowns slightly when Jim nudges his arm again. “Damn it, Jim. What’s wrong? I’m a doctor, not a mind reader.”
“Ineedahug,” he says quickly, letting the words run together so that he can deny what he said if Bones calls him girly. He frowns slightly. “And I’ll have you know that I don’t like hearing you calling Chekov cute.”
“Don’t be jealous, ‘keptin’. You’re more than enough for me.” Bones moves his arms around Jim and gives him a big hug, one of the best ones ever, and Jim sighs as he leans his head against his shoulder. It’s even better because Bones doesn’t tease him about needing one.
“I’m not jealous. I just don’t like hearing you call another man cute, even if it’s sarcastic.” He tightens his grip and finally feels himself starting to calm down for the first time since he left Barnett’s office.
“That is jealousy, kid.” Bones kisses the top of his head, which would normally earn a slap and reminder that he isn’t a kid. Today, Jim doesn’t even mind because it’s oddly comforting. “Are you planning to tell me why you need a hug? Since I suspect it’s the reason you were freaking out when I got home, I’d like to know.”
Jim groans. “I don’t want to talk about it.” He raises his head and kisses Bones. When he pulls back, he says, “I will talk about it, but I think I need a drink first.”
“It’s only three in the afternoon, Jim. That’s a little early to be hitting the bottle, isn’t it?” Bones hasn’t let go of him yet.
“So says the man who was drinking whiskey straight from the bottle before dawn recently. Should I make the old-fashioned quip about pots and kettles or is that unnecessary?”
“You’re starting to worry me, Jim. If you’re being melodramatic over some trivial nonsense, so help me, I’m going to force you to volunteer for the kids’ reading hour at the hospital.”
“I like kids,” Jim points out. “They think I’m funny and charming.”
“Then I’ll make it the senior ward where the old women like to pinch the residents’ asses,” Bones says. “Hard enough to bruise sometimes.”
Jim can’t help but smile at Bones’ grumpy tone. “Do you have any bruises that I should investigate?”
“You’re not going to distract me with those big blue eyes and wicked smile. Why were you ranting about being a crazy old drunk man?” Bones sounds as if his patience is close to an end, so Jim knows that he’s going to have to talk about what happened with Barnett.
“I can’t believe you’re resisting the eyes. Even if I flutter my lashes?” Jim does so, but Bones merely frowns. He sighs and walks over to sit on the bed. “After you left for work this morning, I got a summons to go see Barnett.”
Bones sits down next to him. “God, it wasn’t about the training room, was it? If I get expelled for sucking your cock--“
“It wasn’t, but I thought it might be, too,” Jim says, having to laugh at them. “I guess we’re both more worried about there possibly being a recording than we thought.”
“Stay on the subject,” Bones warns. “What did Barnett want?”
“You’re looking at the newly promoted Captain of the USS Enterprise,” he announces, unable to keep the pride and happiness from his voice.
Bones blinks at him. “You’re joking, right?”
“Not exactly the reaction I was hoping for, Bones.” He rolls his eyes. “Of course I’m being serious. I’ve like made a new record or some shit for youngest captain. Saving the world has more perks than I realized.”
“As does an excellent academic record as well as the various activities that you’ve participated in,” Bones adds dryly. He grins then, the dimples-smile, and Jim can’t stand to tell him the rest yet because he looks as happy as Jim felt when first being told the news. “That’s fucking amazing, Jim. I can’t--no, that’s not true. Somehow, when you’re involved, I do believe it. It’s that four-leaf clover of yours, no doubt. Luckier than anyone has a right to be, and annoying as hell because you deserve it.”
Bones kisses him, and Jim considers losing himself in the kissing and touching and sex because that’s always better than dealing with complications of life. However, he knows that he probably needs to finish the story, if only to get Bones’ opinion on whether or not he’s crazy. He pulls back from the kiss and uses his thumb to trace the curve of Bones’ full bottom lip.
“I might end up resigning before it’s even announced,” he admits. “I can’t even set a record for shortest time as captain since my father already holds that one.” He grimaces at his failed attempt to make it not so serious, and ends up feeling guilty for using his father’s death in such a way. It didn’t matter that he hadn’t ever known him; George Kirk still deserved his respect.
“Wait. What?” Bones looks confused. Jim isn’t sure if it’s because of the mention of his resigning the post or the reference to his father, whom he rarely speaks of. Possibly, it’s both. Bones frowns. “Why would you resign? You’ve been working hard for three years with a goal to eventually become captain, and your brief time in the position proved that you’d be damn good, much to my surprise.”
“Damned good, huh?” He smiles. “I don’t remember you saying that when we were up in space and I was saving your ass.”
“When we were up in space, I was a little preoccupied with, oh, the threat of being killed and the entire paradox that is time travel and alternate realities and all that shit that not even Sulu, with his ridiculous degrees, could explain.” Bones rolls his eyes. “It wasn’t the best time to stroke your ego.”
“You can stroke it now. Or whatever else you’d like to touch,” Jim offers hopefully.
“Back on task, Captain,” Bones says, drawling the word in a way that is likely to make Jim think about slow kisses and hot sex every time he hears it now. That’s not good. Even if he only keeps the title until Friday, he can’t really drift into dirty daydreams whenever he’s called Captain because Bones says it in such an erotic way.
“No conditioning,” he mutters. “You keep that sexy drawl of yours away from that word or I’ll do something really bad and scary for punishment.”
“The warning loses something when it’s vague and not at all threatening,” Bones points out. “And what do you mean conditioning? I’d have thought you’d enjoy hearing the title you’ve worked hard to receive.”
“Conditioning! You’re a doctor, not a moron, so you know what I mean. Saying it in a way that makes me think about sex, so every single time I hear it, I’ll think about kissing you,” he says crossly.
Bones stares at him then laughs. “There are times when I really fail to follow your logic. That’s not even logic. It’s not my fault that you think about sex more than a teenage boy who’s just learned how to jerk off. Now, I’m going to ask one more time, why would you resign?”
“The crew,” Jim says simply. Bones looks confused, which is understandable, so he elaborates. “Barnett gave me a choice of these strangers, all of them older than me, and he said that I needed experienced officers and shit, like they’d be fucking babysitting me instead of doing their damn jobs.”
“Well, you are young to be given a ship, much less the Enterprise,” Bones points out thoughtfully. “It makes sense that they might want you to have a dependable command team to support you.”
“See, you’re just like Barnett. Dependable doesn’t mean old. It means competent and supportive. I’m loyal to the existing crew, Bones. To Sulu and Uhura and you and the others. That’s my team, and I refuse to do this without you all.” Jim shakes his head. “And, no, I’m not thinking with my dick when it comes to you. I know you’re brilliant, even more than I realized a month ago, and I want the best people on my team. I trust you. I trust the others. I don’t trust a bunch of people who have only been recommended because they’re older than me.”
“I’m not like Barnett, Jim. I’m just trying to get you to take a step back and see the reality of the situation. Did you honestly ever expect to be promoted to captain before you’ve even graduated? Did you think that you’d just be given everything you want?” Bones reaches out to touch his jaw. “They’re taking a huge chance on you. You have to know that. I just don’t think it’s that unreasonable they might have conditions, whether you like it or not.”
“I don’t know what I expected.” Jim makes a face. “See, it’s more than that, though. They can’t just promote me then try to push a leash on me by forcing me to accept whomever they want. That’s not who I am, Bones. I’m not going to be controlled like that, not even for the Enterprise. If they think I’m competent enough to be captain, then they should give me the power to bring in the crew that I want. Otherwise, it’s just an empty title and I’m a puppet with them holding the strings.”
Bones studies his face for a moment before he leans forward and kisses him. When he pulls back, he sighs. “You’re right.”
“I am?” Jim isn’t sure if he should be smug at being right or not. He doesn’t feel particularly smug right now.
“I’ve warned you before, about all the politics. It’s how they do things,” Bones says. “They want the hero as captain, but they can’t let you have too much because you’re not someone they can control. You’ll be one of the best damn captains they’ll ever see if they trust your judgment and you don’t get yourself killed by being rash and reckless.”
“I’m not going to rush out and get myself killed, Bones. I’m reckless but not stupid. How many times do I have to tell you that?” He can’t help smiling because Bones really does believe what he’s saying, really has that much confidence in him, and it’s slightly overwhelming. In a good way. He leans forward to kiss Bones. “Old Spock told me that the other version of me died a hero, but it was too young. I’m going to outlast him, by at least double, if I can. You know me and challenges. Never met one I couldn’t win, and this isn’t going to be an exception.”
“That pointy eared bastard told you how you died? I mean, how other you died. Older you? Fuck, I don’t know. The whole thing just gives me a damn headache.” Bones scowls. “You can’t challenge something like death, Jim. Not even you can beat that.”
“Maybe not, but I can try.” Jim shrugs. “At least there’re reasons to want to be alive now. There have been times in the past when there weren’t,” he says simply.
Bones tightens his grip on Jim’s arm. “There are a lot of reasons, so you’d better not forget those.”
Jim knows what he isn’t saying, since Bones is the only person that he’s ever told the truth to about a few of his narrow misses in the past. Bones doesn’t judge him based on those past thoughts of suicide, just like he’s never judged him for liking a good bar fight or collecting one night stands. Might bitch about it, but never judges. He nods. “I’ll remember. So, you think I made the right decision with Barnett?”
“I don’t know. You still haven’t told me what you did,” Bones points out. “Did you mouth off over the crew issue?”
“You’d have been proud of me. I was calm and very professional,” he tells him before giving him as detailed a summary of his spontaneous speech as he can. When he finishes, he smiles wryly. “I gave him until Friday to get approval for me to have the same crew, those who accept the offer or assignment, that is, or I’ll resign the position as captain.”
“Damn it, Jim.” Bones sighs and moves his fingers through his hair, tugging slightly.
“I just couldn’t do it, Bones. It’s not even the whole control thing. It’s just…I’m loyal to my crew, you know? I don’t care if I was only captain for a short time, they’re who I want. You’re who I want.”
“Oh, Jim. You stubborn, faithful little fool,” Bones mutters before he kisses him lightly. “You were bitching about me for refusing a commendation, but you rush off and refuse a damn captaincy unless you get everything you want.”
“I’m not little,” Jim grumbles. He looks at Bones and worries his bottom lip. “I’m really scared about it, Bones.” The admission takes a lot out of him to make, but he needs to be honest right now because he knows this is probably one of the most reckless things that he’s ever done. “I just said what I felt was right, then I couldn’t take the words back, not that I would because I know I’d do it all again the same way. This is more important to me than the title, no matter how badly I want it.”
“That’s what matters then. If you’re true to yourself, nothing else is as important.” Bones traces the curve of his jaw. “You said that you’re meeting with Barnett again on Friday?”
“Yeah. If they don’t just send me communications before then to demote my ass.”
“What are they planning to do with the current crew? Did Barnett say?”
“Reassign them, I guess. I didn’t look at anything besides the bridge options, but everyone I thought of specifically wasn’t listed or didn’t fit the old and experienced requirements. It’s not fair to any of them that their careers should be derailed because of my age, you know? I also asked about you, and Barnett said that there were others who have requested you, but he didn’t say who or anything.”
“They’re a bunch of uninformed assholes if they think that age is somehow a qualifier for knowledge and experience. Chekov was more capable than those twice his age. Their entire argument is based on a ridiculous foundation,” he says with a frown.
“I know. I pointed out that the crew helped save the damn world, too. With all the casualties and how small our graduating class is, you’d think that Starfleet would be more concerned about giving all of us assignments that best utilize our skills instead of playing politics and trying to be puppet masters of their flagship.”
Bones kisses his forehead. “I can’t say whether you made the right decision or not, Jim. You made your decision, which is the only thing you could do. Sometimes, the best choice isn’t the easiest one. I’m proud of you for standing firm with your convictions, even with the threat of losing your ship. To me, that’s your first act as official Captain, and it shows strength and loyalty to your ship and your crew,” Bones tells him quietly.
“God, Bones. I--“ Jim trails off because he’s not sure what he wants to say. Bones has managed to make him feel better without lying to him or sugarcoating anything. He might very well resign on Friday, but he’ll leave with his principles, which doesn’t mean shit to anyone but him. And maybe Bones. He kisses Bones again and moves his arms around him, hugging him tight against him.
“I don’t want you spending the rest of the week freaking out,” Bones says. “Regardless of what happens on Friday, you’re never going to become a crazy old drunk man. I won’t let you. Besides, you’re James T. Kirk, and you’ve got that four-leaf clover hidden somewhere that makes you the luckiest bastard around. They’ll probably promote you to damn admiral before graduation is over, with your luck.”
“I just want the Enterprise, and my crew.” Jim pushes Bones back onto the mattress and lies beside him. “I’ll do my best to have a freak-free week, but no promises. There’s really no point worrying about it all now, anyway. Whatever happens, happens.”
“See, there’s my Jim. Jump right in and damn the consequences.” Bones smiles his crooked smile and pulls Jim closer.
“Yeah, here I am,” he murmurs before he kisses Bones and snuggles closer. He feels better already.
End
#22: Stand | #24: Stir
Pairing: Kirk/McCoy
Summary: Jim tells Bones about his meeting with Admiral Barnett
Rating: Teen/PG13
Word Count: 3560
A/N: #23 in the Two Men & a Motorbike series. Follows Stand
Lunch time obviously has different meanings to different people. Jim has never really thought about it, since lunch is usually whenever he’s hungry and has a moment to get some food. Generally, that’s sometime around noon. It’s now almost two, so Bones must eat later. Normally, it wouldn’t be an issue. Jim isn’t the type to watch a clock and insist on being with his whatever-Bones-is every spare minute. Sure, he gets jealous, which is actually not something he ever expected, especially considering his own past, but he knows that people can’t spend every minute together or things get suffocating.
Today, however, isn’t a typical day. He’s had hours now where he’s done nothing but think about his conversation with Barnett, and he needs Bones. He’s making himself crazy. His head is filled with possible scenarios for how his future might go, and he’s still so damn tempted to go get drunk and pick a fight despite knowing that it isn’t the best thing to do. But not even a ride to his cliff helped. All he could do was sit there and worry that he’d thrown away three years of incredibly hard work out of some noble sentiment that isn’t worth anything to anyone but him.
He has to laugh, though it quickly becomes a groan as he covers his face with his hands. Noble just isn’t a word that describes him. Selfish prick and reckless asshole tend to be the most common, even more than sex god, though he prefers the latter if he gets a choice. Who wouldn’t? Why did he have to choose one of the most important days of his life to become so damn righteous? It’s not like he doesn’t care about other people, in an abstract sort of way except for Bones, who has always mattered, but he’s never been the type to just risk his whole future because it’s the right thing to do. Well, unless it concerns risking his life to save someone; that, he’s pretty good at.
He’s the youngest captain in Federation history. That’s something they’ll write about, that cadets will learn in the future, and it’s something that he’s earned. He rubs the back of his neck and taps his foot nervously as he realized that no one might ever know because, Friday, he’ll resign and fade away into obscurity since here’s no way that Starfleet will ever give him another chance. He’ll end up working in a garage or on a farm or tending bar. And he’ll be known as ‘that guy who saved the world once’, only no one will believe it because he’s never done anything with his life.
When he hears the door slide open, he looks up as Bones enters the room and blurts out, “I’m going to be a crazy old man who talks about my big heroic moment and all the kids in town make fun of me and I’ll become a huge drunk because there’ll be nothing else to do with my life.”
Bones stops in the middle of putting his bag down and stares at Jim. “Huh?”
“I can’t be that crazy old man, Bones.” He stands up and begins to pace. “What was I thinking? Damn it.” He stops and looks at Bones again. “Maybe you can say that I have some kind of space fever that only just now started showing up. I’ll even let you use a hypospray.”
“Jim, calm down.” Bones is using his patient ‘kid, you keep this up and I’m going to smack you’ voice, which isn’t actually very patient when used on him. Jim stops rambling and wonders why that is. Bones puts down his bag and walks towards him. “Now, would you care to explain why you’re hysterical?”
“I’m not hysterical,” Jim denies. “I’ve just had a really shitty day, which sucks because it should be a really great day. I should be celebrating and having wild sex with you and enjoying myself, damn it.”
Bones arches a brow. “If you stomp your foot, I’m going to start worrying that you have contracted some sort of unknown virus.”
“You might think that you’re cute, but you’re not. At all.” Jim sulks and runs his fingers through his hair. He doesn’t want to ask, because he’s too old, plus it’s not very manly, but he could really use a hug now. He steps closer to Bones and sort of bumps his arm with his elbow before giving him a look that he hopes says ‘hug me, damn it’.
“We’ve already had discussions about the use of the word cute. I’m not a puppy or Chekov, so it’s not appropriate,” Bones reminds him. He frowns slightly when Jim nudges his arm again. “Damn it, Jim. What’s wrong? I’m a doctor, not a mind reader.”
“Ineedahug,” he says quickly, letting the words run together so that he can deny what he said if Bones calls him girly. He frowns slightly. “And I’ll have you know that I don’t like hearing you calling Chekov cute.”
“Don’t be jealous, ‘keptin’. You’re more than enough for me.” Bones moves his arms around Jim and gives him a big hug, one of the best ones ever, and Jim sighs as he leans his head against his shoulder. It’s even better because Bones doesn’t tease him about needing one.
“I’m not jealous. I just don’t like hearing you call another man cute, even if it’s sarcastic.” He tightens his grip and finally feels himself starting to calm down for the first time since he left Barnett’s office.
“That is jealousy, kid.” Bones kisses the top of his head, which would normally earn a slap and reminder that he isn’t a kid. Today, Jim doesn’t even mind because it’s oddly comforting. “Are you planning to tell me why you need a hug? Since I suspect it’s the reason you were freaking out when I got home, I’d like to know.”
Jim groans. “I don’t want to talk about it.” He raises his head and kisses Bones. When he pulls back, he says, “I will talk about it, but I think I need a drink first.”
“It’s only three in the afternoon, Jim. That’s a little early to be hitting the bottle, isn’t it?” Bones hasn’t let go of him yet.
“So says the man who was drinking whiskey straight from the bottle before dawn recently. Should I make the old-fashioned quip about pots and kettles or is that unnecessary?”
“You’re starting to worry me, Jim. If you’re being melodramatic over some trivial nonsense, so help me, I’m going to force you to volunteer for the kids’ reading hour at the hospital.”
“I like kids,” Jim points out. “They think I’m funny and charming.”
“Then I’ll make it the senior ward where the old women like to pinch the residents’ asses,” Bones says. “Hard enough to bruise sometimes.”
Jim can’t help but smile at Bones’ grumpy tone. “Do you have any bruises that I should investigate?”
“You’re not going to distract me with those big blue eyes and wicked smile. Why were you ranting about being a crazy old drunk man?” Bones sounds as if his patience is close to an end, so Jim knows that he’s going to have to talk about what happened with Barnett.
“I can’t believe you’re resisting the eyes. Even if I flutter my lashes?” Jim does so, but Bones merely frowns. He sighs and walks over to sit on the bed. “After you left for work this morning, I got a summons to go see Barnett.”
Bones sits down next to him. “God, it wasn’t about the training room, was it? If I get expelled for sucking your cock--“
“It wasn’t, but I thought it might be, too,” Jim says, having to laugh at them. “I guess we’re both more worried about there possibly being a recording than we thought.”
“Stay on the subject,” Bones warns. “What did Barnett want?”
“You’re looking at the newly promoted Captain of the USS Enterprise,” he announces, unable to keep the pride and happiness from his voice.
Bones blinks at him. “You’re joking, right?”
“Not exactly the reaction I was hoping for, Bones.” He rolls his eyes. “Of course I’m being serious. I’ve like made a new record or some shit for youngest captain. Saving the world has more perks than I realized.”
“As does an excellent academic record as well as the various activities that you’ve participated in,” Bones adds dryly. He grins then, the dimples-smile, and Jim can’t stand to tell him the rest yet because he looks as happy as Jim felt when first being told the news. “That’s fucking amazing, Jim. I can’t--no, that’s not true. Somehow, when you’re involved, I do believe it. It’s that four-leaf clover of yours, no doubt. Luckier than anyone has a right to be, and annoying as hell because you deserve it.”
Bones kisses him, and Jim considers losing himself in the kissing and touching and sex because that’s always better than dealing with complications of life. However, he knows that he probably needs to finish the story, if only to get Bones’ opinion on whether or not he’s crazy. He pulls back from the kiss and uses his thumb to trace the curve of Bones’ full bottom lip.
“I might end up resigning before it’s even announced,” he admits. “I can’t even set a record for shortest time as captain since my father already holds that one.” He grimaces at his failed attempt to make it not so serious, and ends up feeling guilty for using his father’s death in such a way. It didn’t matter that he hadn’t ever known him; George Kirk still deserved his respect.
“Wait. What?” Bones looks confused. Jim isn’t sure if it’s because of the mention of his resigning the post or the reference to his father, whom he rarely speaks of. Possibly, it’s both. Bones frowns. “Why would you resign? You’ve been working hard for three years with a goal to eventually become captain, and your brief time in the position proved that you’d be damn good, much to my surprise.”
“Damned good, huh?” He smiles. “I don’t remember you saying that when we were up in space and I was saving your ass.”
“When we were up in space, I was a little preoccupied with, oh, the threat of being killed and the entire paradox that is time travel and alternate realities and all that shit that not even Sulu, with his ridiculous degrees, could explain.” Bones rolls his eyes. “It wasn’t the best time to stroke your ego.”
“You can stroke it now. Or whatever else you’d like to touch,” Jim offers hopefully.
“Back on task, Captain,” Bones says, drawling the word in a way that is likely to make Jim think about slow kisses and hot sex every time he hears it now. That’s not good. Even if he only keeps the title until Friday, he can’t really drift into dirty daydreams whenever he’s called Captain because Bones says it in such an erotic way.
“No conditioning,” he mutters. “You keep that sexy drawl of yours away from that word or I’ll do something really bad and scary for punishment.”
“The warning loses something when it’s vague and not at all threatening,” Bones points out. “And what do you mean conditioning? I’d have thought you’d enjoy hearing the title you’ve worked hard to receive.”
“Conditioning! You’re a doctor, not a moron, so you know what I mean. Saying it in a way that makes me think about sex, so every single time I hear it, I’ll think about kissing you,” he says crossly.
Bones stares at him then laughs. “There are times when I really fail to follow your logic. That’s not even logic. It’s not my fault that you think about sex more than a teenage boy who’s just learned how to jerk off. Now, I’m going to ask one more time, why would you resign?”
“The crew,” Jim says simply. Bones looks confused, which is understandable, so he elaborates. “Barnett gave me a choice of these strangers, all of them older than me, and he said that I needed experienced officers and shit, like they’d be fucking babysitting me instead of doing their damn jobs.”
“Well, you are young to be given a ship, much less the Enterprise,” Bones points out thoughtfully. “It makes sense that they might want you to have a dependable command team to support you.”
“See, you’re just like Barnett. Dependable doesn’t mean old. It means competent and supportive. I’m loyal to the existing crew, Bones. To Sulu and Uhura and you and the others. That’s my team, and I refuse to do this without you all.” Jim shakes his head. “And, no, I’m not thinking with my dick when it comes to you. I know you’re brilliant, even more than I realized a month ago, and I want the best people on my team. I trust you. I trust the others. I don’t trust a bunch of people who have only been recommended because they’re older than me.”
“I’m not like Barnett, Jim. I’m just trying to get you to take a step back and see the reality of the situation. Did you honestly ever expect to be promoted to captain before you’ve even graduated? Did you think that you’d just be given everything you want?” Bones reaches out to touch his jaw. “They’re taking a huge chance on you. You have to know that. I just don’t think it’s that unreasonable they might have conditions, whether you like it or not.”
“I don’t know what I expected.” Jim makes a face. “See, it’s more than that, though. They can’t just promote me then try to push a leash on me by forcing me to accept whomever they want. That’s not who I am, Bones. I’m not going to be controlled like that, not even for the Enterprise. If they think I’m competent enough to be captain, then they should give me the power to bring in the crew that I want. Otherwise, it’s just an empty title and I’m a puppet with them holding the strings.”
Bones studies his face for a moment before he leans forward and kisses him. When he pulls back, he sighs. “You’re right.”
“I am?” Jim isn’t sure if he should be smug at being right or not. He doesn’t feel particularly smug right now.
“I’ve warned you before, about all the politics. It’s how they do things,” Bones says. “They want the hero as captain, but they can’t let you have too much because you’re not someone they can control. You’ll be one of the best damn captains they’ll ever see if they trust your judgment and you don’t get yourself killed by being rash and reckless.”
“I’m not going to rush out and get myself killed, Bones. I’m reckless but not stupid. How many times do I have to tell you that?” He can’t help smiling because Bones really does believe what he’s saying, really has that much confidence in him, and it’s slightly overwhelming. In a good way. He leans forward to kiss Bones. “Old Spock told me that the other version of me died a hero, but it was too young. I’m going to outlast him, by at least double, if I can. You know me and challenges. Never met one I couldn’t win, and this isn’t going to be an exception.”
“That pointy eared bastard told you how you died? I mean, how other you died. Older you? Fuck, I don’t know. The whole thing just gives me a damn headache.” Bones scowls. “You can’t challenge something like death, Jim. Not even you can beat that.”
“Maybe not, but I can try.” Jim shrugs. “At least there’re reasons to want to be alive now. There have been times in the past when there weren’t,” he says simply.
Bones tightens his grip on Jim’s arm. “There are a lot of reasons, so you’d better not forget those.”
Jim knows what he isn’t saying, since Bones is the only person that he’s ever told the truth to about a few of his narrow misses in the past. Bones doesn’t judge him based on those past thoughts of suicide, just like he’s never judged him for liking a good bar fight or collecting one night stands. Might bitch about it, but never judges. He nods. “I’ll remember. So, you think I made the right decision with Barnett?”
“I don’t know. You still haven’t told me what you did,” Bones points out. “Did you mouth off over the crew issue?”
“You’d have been proud of me. I was calm and very professional,” he tells him before giving him as detailed a summary of his spontaneous speech as he can. When he finishes, he smiles wryly. “I gave him until Friday to get approval for me to have the same crew, those who accept the offer or assignment, that is, or I’ll resign the position as captain.”
“Damn it, Jim.” Bones sighs and moves his fingers through his hair, tugging slightly.
“I just couldn’t do it, Bones. It’s not even the whole control thing. It’s just…I’m loyal to my crew, you know? I don’t care if I was only captain for a short time, they’re who I want. You’re who I want.”
“Oh, Jim. You stubborn, faithful little fool,” Bones mutters before he kisses him lightly. “You were bitching about me for refusing a commendation, but you rush off and refuse a damn captaincy unless you get everything you want.”
“I’m not little,” Jim grumbles. He looks at Bones and worries his bottom lip. “I’m really scared about it, Bones.” The admission takes a lot out of him to make, but he needs to be honest right now because he knows this is probably one of the most reckless things that he’s ever done. “I just said what I felt was right, then I couldn’t take the words back, not that I would because I know I’d do it all again the same way. This is more important to me than the title, no matter how badly I want it.”
“That’s what matters then. If you’re true to yourself, nothing else is as important.” Bones traces the curve of his jaw. “You said that you’re meeting with Barnett again on Friday?”
“Yeah. If they don’t just send me communications before then to demote my ass.”
“What are they planning to do with the current crew? Did Barnett say?”
“Reassign them, I guess. I didn’t look at anything besides the bridge options, but everyone I thought of specifically wasn’t listed or didn’t fit the old and experienced requirements. It’s not fair to any of them that their careers should be derailed because of my age, you know? I also asked about you, and Barnett said that there were others who have requested you, but he didn’t say who or anything.”
“They’re a bunch of uninformed assholes if they think that age is somehow a qualifier for knowledge and experience. Chekov was more capable than those twice his age. Their entire argument is based on a ridiculous foundation,” he says with a frown.
“I know. I pointed out that the crew helped save the damn world, too. With all the casualties and how small our graduating class is, you’d think that Starfleet would be more concerned about giving all of us assignments that best utilize our skills instead of playing politics and trying to be puppet masters of their flagship.”
Bones kisses his forehead. “I can’t say whether you made the right decision or not, Jim. You made your decision, which is the only thing you could do. Sometimes, the best choice isn’t the easiest one. I’m proud of you for standing firm with your convictions, even with the threat of losing your ship. To me, that’s your first act as official Captain, and it shows strength and loyalty to your ship and your crew,” Bones tells him quietly.
“God, Bones. I--“ Jim trails off because he’s not sure what he wants to say. Bones has managed to make him feel better without lying to him or sugarcoating anything. He might very well resign on Friday, but he’ll leave with his principles, which doesn’t mean shit to anyone but him. And maybe Bones. He kisses Bones again and moves his arms around him, hugging him tight against him.
“I don’t want you spending the rest of the week freaking out,” Bones says. “Regardless of what happens on Friday, you’re never going to become a crazy old drunk man. I won’t let you. Besides, you’re James T. Kirk, and you’ve got that four-leaf clover hidden somewhere that makes you the luckiest bastard around. They’ll probably promote you to damn admiral before graduation is over, with your luck.”
“I just want the Enterprise, and my crew.” Jim pushes Bones back onto the mattress and lies beside him. “I’ll do my best to have a freak-free week, but no promises. There’s really no point worrying about it all now, anyway. Whatever happens, happens.”
“See, there’s my Jim. Jump right in and damn the consequences.” Bones smiles his crooked smile and pulls Jim closer.
“Yeah, here I am,” he murmurs before he kisses Bones and snuggles closer. He feels better already.
End
#22: Stand | #24: Stir