Fic: Empty (Kirk/McCoy)
Title: Empty
Pairing: Kirk/McCoy
Fandom: Star Trek XI (spoilers)
Summary: It’s too early in the morning for whiskey
Rating: Teen/PG13
Word Count: 4050
A/N: #18 in the Two Men & a Motorbike series. Follows Heat
Jim wakes up to an empty bed. He moves his arm beside him, expecting to snuggle against Bones and try to sleep a little longer, but finds nothing there except for cold sheets. That wakes him up fast. He opens his eyes and raises up onto his elbows, looking around his room quickly. When he sees Bones sitting in a chair drinking from a mug, he relaxes. Bones hasn’t left.
“Morning,” he murmurs sleepily as he pushes himself to his knees and runs his fingers through his hair. He’s yawning when Bones looks at him. “’s too early to be up.”
“You should go back to sleep,” Bones tells him. “It is early.”
Jim scratches his belly and looks at the clock. Not even seven o’clock yet. On a Sunday? That’s ridiculous. “Come back to bed.” He yawns again as he looks at Bones.
“I can’t sleep,” Bones says before he smiles wryly.
It’s a simple statement, yet there’s a tone to it that makes Jim forget about how sleepy he is at the moment. “Something wrong?” he asks. He stretches his arms above his head before he shifts so that he’s sitting on the edge of the mattress closest to Bones.
“Just thinking.” Bones shrugs a shoulder before he takes another drink.
“About?” Jim stands up and goes over to the chair, leaning down to kiss Bones. He tastes coffee and whiskey. “You’re drinking whiskey at six something in the morning? I can taste it on you.”
“You haven’t brushed your teeth yet but you’re bitching about whiskey?” Bones shakes his head. “I added some to my coffee to give it a little kick.”
“I wasn’t bitching. I was just curious why you’d brought out the alcohol before dawn.” Jim runs his tongue over his teeth and wonders if his breath smells bad.
“I was thinking,” Bones repeats as he looks up at Jim. “The whiskey was necessary.”
“Oh.” Maybe his brain just isn’t fully awake yet because Jim doesn’t understand how thinking equates to drinking whiskey. He moves his fingers into Bones’ hair, rubbing his scalp gently before patting him. “Alright. I need to piss.”
Bones snorts but doesn’t say anything. Jim goes into the bathroom and takes the time to brush his teeth after flushing the toilet. He also splashes water on his face, which actually helps him become more alert. Bones is thinking and drinking whiskey-laced coffee before seven. Fuck.
When he goes back into the room, he stops behind Bones’ chair. “You’re tense,” he points out, wondering how he missed the obvious tension in Bones’ shoulders before. He reaches down and begins to knead the taut muscles. “I’m more awake now, so you’re not going to get by with vague answers that I accept when half-asleep.”
“If I asked, would you let it drop?”
“Probably not. Whatever you’re thinking about is stressing you out, plus whiskey at this hour hasn’t really been common since those first few weeks here. Besides, if you get to worry about my neck being upset, I get to worry about this.”
“I’m just being a maudlin old man, Jim. Nothing else.”
“You’re thirty. That’s not old enough for that excuse to work.”
“I’ll be thirty-one in a couple of months. Surely that’s old enough.”
“Nope, sorry. Old doesn’t happen until you’re covered in wrinkles and have white hair and it takes you at least five minutes to scold me for being a reckless bastard.”
“I doubt that it’ll ever take me that long to say that,” Bones says dryly.
“Then I guess you’ll never be old to me.” Jim presses his thumb firmly into Bones’ shoulder, rubbing a particular knot of tension hard. Bones bites back a moan as his head lolls forward. “Why are you maudlin?” he asks as he continues the massage.
“A lot of reasons. I started thinking about one thing and it was like the floodgates had opened. I was suddenly thinking about dozens of potentially depressing things.” Bones sighs and takes another drink.
“Like what?” Jim isn’t sure if he should push, but, really, it’s who he is, so he goes with his natural instincts. He’ll be able to tell if he goes too far.
“Graduation. It’s next weekend, you realize?” There’s more tension now. Jim can practically feel it building up beneath his fingertips.
“Yeah, I know. I’ve been waiting ages, it seems. Did I tell you that I’m getting a commendation?” He can’t keep the pride out of his voice. “After I got my ass reamed for the Kobayashi Maru mess, Barnett told me about it. Not bad for a fuck-up from Iowa, huh?”
“No, you hadn’t. I assumed you were, though, after I ran into you in Barnett’s office.” Bones glances back at him. “You’re not a fuck-up, so stop talking like that.”
“It’s the truth, not that I really care.” Jim leans down and kisses Bones quickly. “But thanks for choosing to ignore the reality of that aspect of my charming personality.” When he straightens, he looks at Bones thoughtfully as he goes back to massaging. “Why were you at Barnett’s office?”
“Getting my ass reamed for sneaking you on-board the Enterprise. I believe the words irresponsible, malpractice, and ill-advised were tossed around the most.” Bones shifts slightly and takes another drink of his coffee.
Jim considers it and remembers something Pike said. “No, that’s not it. You turned down an offer. Pike mentioned it, during that ‘let’s leave Jim out in the dark’ conversation that you two had the other day. What did you turn down?”
“Nothing important.” Bones can’t seem to relax at all. Jim keeps working on the knots of tension, only to feel them come back almost worse as they continue talking.
“Good. Then you can tell me, since it’s unimportant.”
Bones groans and curses under his breath. “Barnett said they wanted to give me a commendation. I told him to shove it. See? Nothing important.”
“You what?” Jim stops kneading and blinks down at the back of Bones’ head. “Bones, tell me that you didn’t refuse a fucking commendation. Damn it. Tell me that you did not tell the Admiral to shove it. They’ll kick you out for doing shit like that. Even I know that.”
“Still here, aren’t I?” Bones makes a disgusted noise. “The only reason they wanted to give me anything was because I kept Pike alive. All those who didn’t survive didn’t matter at all when a damn Captain was involved. It’s a bunch of goddamn bullshit, is what it is. Besides, I was only doing my job. I’m a doctor, not a hero. I’ll leave that to you.”
“I think I need to sit down.” Jim walks over to the bed and sits. “Bones, do you have any idea how detrimental it is to refuse a commendation? People just don’t do that, especially not if they want to eventually earn rank and get promoted.”
“Jim, you’re not listening to me.” Bones sighs. “I don’t care about all that political bullshit. I’ve told you that before, and it’s not changed. I didn’t think that you cared about it, either. Is Pike turning you into some ass-kissing pod person?”
“Fuck you.” Jim frowns. “I want to be a captain, Bones. I’m here to become an officer. I might hate it, but that requires playing their stupid games sometimes. I haven’t changed my thoughts on authority and shit. I’m just determined enough to get what I want that I can work the system until I get it.”
“There’s the difference then. I’m not here to become a CMO.” Bones makes a face before he takes another drink. “I’m here because I needed to do something after the divorce. I lost my father, my wife, my daughter, my practice was in shambles, and this place seemed like the best choice to get out before I drowned.”
“You’re already a CMO. Spock made you one and Pike confirmed the appointment after. I was there, and it’s not something they can just ignore, even if you’re an asshole.” Jim feels like the world is spinning because he can’t understand Bones. Jim’s future plans since joining Starfleet have always been to become a captain and to have Bones as his CMO. But Bones sounds like his goals are completely different.
Bones laughs dryly. “The world doesn’t work that way, kid. If it did, you wouldn’t be worried about appointments, since you’ve already been a captain.”
“That’s not the same.” Jim shakes his head and looks at Bones. “You really don’t want to be CMO?”
“I told Barnett that there’s only one future captain I’ll ever serve under with that title,” Bones says simply. He reaches for the bottle of whiskey and drinks straight from it. “He wasn’t too happy with my inflexibility, so I expect that I’ll be stationed at some airbase in the middle of nowhere so that I can, how did he put it, evaluate my potential and make acceptable choices that benefit Starfleet.”
“You told him that?” Jim is torn between being flattered that Bones believes in him so much and wanting to punch Bones for being such an obstinate ass. He’s one of the most reckless cadets at the Academy, but even he knows what lines not to cross when it comes to officials and politics. Risk his life to save a crew member? Sure. Face an Admiral and say ‘fuck you’? No way. He looks at Bones and worries his bottom lip.
“Damn it, Jim. Don’t look at me like that.” He takes another swig directly from the bottle. “I hate flying, and I have no interest in dealing with some egotistical asshole who thinks he or she knows everything just because they’ve got captain stripes. Being exiled to the middle of fucking nowhere would be better than that, since I’d probably get my ass fired in no time.”
“What if they’ve marked it down, Bones? What if they won’t let me have you whenever I become captain?” He looks at the floor and tries not to feel sick at the idea of being separated from Bones. He’s tried not to think about it, tried not to dwell on the upcoming graduation and assignments, but he can’t stop the thoughts now.
Bones doesn’t answer. Jim’s actually relieved because there really isn’t any way to know, so anything Bones says would be empty and uncertain. “Who knows what’ll happen, Jim? Hell. The last month has shown us that, hasn’t it? An entire planet is gone now. With how you rush into dangerous situations, you could be gone just as quickly.”
“Yeah, I know. Foolhardy Kirk, running ahead and getting himself killed is one of your mantras when you’re trying to push me away.” Jim looks up and scowls. “It’s not going to work this time, though. I’m not going anywhere.”
“But you are. So am I.” Bones’ voice cracks and he takes another drink from the bottle. “Next weekend, our future is being decided, and we’re going to have to go wherever we’re told. We probably won’t see each other again, since I doubt you’ll want to visit wherever I’m sent on your shore leave.”
“Asshole.” Jim growls the word and clenches his fingers around the sheet he’s sitting on. “You doubt I’ll want to visit? You fucking bastard. Do you still think that this means nothing? That you mean nothing to me?” He counts to ten. Then makes it twenty. “It’s not going to hurt less if you push now, Bones. We’re past that point. We have been for weeks. Hell, maybe even years.”
Bones hunches forward, setting the bottle on the floor between his legs. “I’ve lost so much already,” he whispers. “I can’t--“ He trails off and puts his hands on the back of his head.
“You’re not going to lose me,” Jim says firmly. “I don’t care where we get sent or what the hell the future holds, that is not going to happen.” He stands and reaches for the bottle, taking a healthy drink of the whiskey before he sits back down on the bed. “Now I understand why you broke out the bottle so early. Damn, Bones. This isn’t a good way to start the day.”
“I warned you to drop it.” Bones looks up at him. “Whatever happens, I’m not abandoning you,” he says quietly. “Even if we never see each other except via grainy communications, I’m not walking away from you, from our friendship.” He hesitates and licks his lips. “We’re best friends. That won’t change even if other stuff does.”
“What other stuff?” Jim doesn’t touch on the abandoning thing. Not right now when he feels raw and scared about what the future holds for them.
“Sex.” Bones is blunt, and the word startles Jim. For once, his mind isn’t even on sex, so he’s surprised. Bones looks uncomfortable, maybe even more than the first day they met, which still reigns supreme as ‘I really don’t want to do this but I have to’ in the catalog of Bones’ expressions that Jim keeps. Bones isn’t looking at him now, and the nerve in his cheek is twitching. “Since there’s a greater chance that I’d reunite with my ex than there is that you’d be celibate for any length of time, which means there’s no chance, you’ll have a girl or three in every port. But that’s not gonna ruin our friendship.”
“I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” Jim takes another drink before he puts the bottle on the floor. He doesn’t want to think about losing Bones, doesn’t want to think about not being able to see him whenever he wants, doesn’t want to think about nameless women he’ll fuck when he really only wants Bones. And that scares him nearly as much as the uncertainty of their future.
“Ignoring it isn’t going to make it go away,” Bones points out. “This isn’t something you can run from, Jim.”
“I’m not running from it. I jumped, remember? Damn the consequences. You jumped, too. We won’t know until Saturday where we’re even being assigned, so this is just fucking pointless.” Jim turns around and lies on his stomach, pulling Bones’ pillow closer so he can rest his chin on it. He closes his eyes when he feels the mattress dip beside him. He barely manages to get the words out as he whispers, “You can’t leave me. Everyone always leaves.”
“Oh, Jim.” Bones sighs and brushes his lips against Jim’s shoulder. “I already told you that I’m not leaving. Even if we aren’t in the same place, I’ll always be there for you.”
It’s stupid to be upset about something that hasn’t even happened yet, but Bones has made it impossible to think about anything else. Jim’s pride and excitement about graduation is now mixing with fears and anxiety until he isn’t sure how to feel about Saturday. What’s even worse is that he was trying to soothe Bones in the first place, and now he’s tense, too.
He rolls his head so he can look at Bones. “I’m being selfish again, aren’t I?” he asks softly. “That’s why you didn’t want to talk to me, to tell me why you were upset.”
“Not this time,” Bones murmurs. “I didn’t want to tell you because talking about it makes it real.” He leans down to rest his forehead against Jim’s shoulderblade, rubbing his jaw against Jim’s skin. “I never wanted to feel like this again.” The admission is a warm breath on Jim’s back. He doesn’t know exactly what Bones means, but he’s too nervous to ask.
“Do you really think they’re going to send you off somewhere?” He hates the waver in his voice, hates the weakness that he feels right now, but it’s not something he can control, which is probably one reason it’s so frustrating.
Bones’ laugh lacks humor. “I don’t know. I don’t play their games. I put my work as a doctor above any of their rules and regulations. It shouldn’t even matter, since I signed up for the chance to research and to develop new procedures to further the field, not to babysit some politician running a ship.”
“Not all captains are politicians,” he points out. “I know that medicine is important to you, and I respect it even when I don’t understand what you’re talking about. But becoming a captain is important to me. You don’t have to constantly make it sound like some kind of disease you can’t cure.”
Bones nuzzles his shoulder and strokes his back with his fingers. “You’re an exception. You’re my exception,” he says, and Jim bites his lip as he remembers telling Bones the same thing, only in different circumstances. Bones caresses the curve of his ass, brushing his thumb over one of Jim’s scars.
“That tickles.” He shifts slightly and moves his arm so that he can touch Bones. He strokes his bicep and hopes that says what he can’t put into words right now. Bones kisses his shoulder again as he continues to lightly trace the scar.
“It’s a deep scar,” Bones observes in a tone that Jim doesn’t really recognize.
“I guess.” Jim hasn’t ever examined it. Hell, he’s mostly forgotten about those scars. It’s not like he stares at his ass or like he’d be bragging about them. If anything, he’d rather forget them.
“So is this one.” Bones moves his thumb over a scar near the bottom of Jim’s left cheek. “I noticed them the other day, in the shower.”
“I’ve got other scars, if you’re doing inventory,” he says. “When you’re done counting, wake me up.”
Bones scrapes his teeth against Jim’s back. “No sleeping, you lazy bastard.” His voice softens as he continues to trace the scars. “How did you get these?”
Jim stiffens at the question. “I don’t remember,” he lies smoothly. “Must have fallen.”
“At the pool, you told me that you knew the difference between intentional and unintentional,” Bones says quietly. “This is what you meant, isn’t it?”
He doesn’t want to think about it, much less talk about it. He never has, so there’s no point in doing so now. “If I asked, would you drop it?” He figures the answer will be the same that he gave earlier, but he has to ask.
There’s silence for a moment. “Yes,” Bones murmurs before he kisses the back of Jim’s neck.
“Oh.” Jim is surprised, and he feels torn. When he asks Bones personal questions, he gets answers, even if they’re given reluctantly. But Bones is giving him a chance to refuse to answer and the kiss seems to indicate that he won’t be annoyed if he doesn’t. It’s slightly disconcerting.
“Are you asking?” Bones presses more fully against him, and Jim closes his eyes as he enjoys the feel of skin against skin. It’s comforting, and he feels safe here, with Bones around him.
“Frank,” he says hoarsely, stumbling slightly over the name. He can’t remember the last time he said it, and he hates hearing it. He turns his face into the pillow and inhales the scent of Bones that lingers on the cotton pillowcase.
Bones moves his hand up to rest on his hip, his grip tight but reassuring. “That bastard,” Bones says tightly, unable to conceal his anger even as he tries to soothe Jim.“Did he…did he touch you?”
Jim shakes his head but doesn’t lift it from the pillow. He cringes as memories flood his mind, of Frank screaming and hitting and fighting, of George leaving, of spankings that left him unable to sit, of listening to Frank after. Oh God. He turns and pushes Bones away as he scrambles to his feet. “Gonna be sick.” He runs to the toilet and falls to his knees, vomiting as the memories he’s managed to bury away for so many years overwhelm him.
“Damn it. I’m sorry, Jim. I’m--“ Bones trails off, and Jim feels a hand on his back, rubbing him soothingly as he empties his stomach. When there’s nothing left, he lets Bones wipe his face. Bones makes him take a drink, and he swishes water in his mouth before spitting it into the toilet. He’s shaking and he still feels sick as he leans against Bones, not caring that they’re sitting naked on the floor of the bathroom.
“He jerked off after,” he whispers, closing his eyes as he turns his head into Bones’ chest. Bones tightens his grip on his arm. “I was always such a good boy, did everything right because George was always being hit, being yelled at, and I didn’t want him to notice me. But George left, and Mom didn’t believe us, didn’t listen or maybe didn’t care because she didn’t want us, she left us with him.”
“What did he do?” Bones asks tightly. He rocks Jim slowly, stroking his back as Jim clings to him.
“I was small for my age. Such an easy target after George was gone, and I’d stopped being good by then, started acting out and fucking up. I thought maybe Mom would notice me then, would believe me when she wouldn’t listen to George.” The words keep coming out of his mouth, and he can’t seem to stop them. He feels pathetic, weak, good for nothing, and he flinches when he realizes that he’s hearing Frank’s voice in his head. “She didn’t. And it got worse as I got older. He liked to spank me, liked to pull my pants down and spank my bare skin with whatever he could find that’d hurt the most. I’d hear him after, in his room, fucking his hand. He got off on it, on making me bleed.”
“Shh. It’s over now.” Bones keeps rubbing his back and holding him so tight that Jim feels like nothing will ever hurt him. “You’re safe. He can’t ever do that again.”
“I’m sorry.” Jim can barely get the words out. His eyes are stinging, and he blinks them rapidly as he turns his face more fully into Bones.
“There’s nothing to be sorry for,” Bones tells him softly. “I shouldn’t have asked. I suspected, after you tensed the other day in the shower and I saw the scars, but I had no idea…” Bones holds him tighter as he stops talking.
Jim doesn’t know how long they sit there. Bones murmurs at him, stroking him and holding him and not judging him for being so fucked up. This is the first time that he’s ever talked about his past, and he just feels vulnerable and fragile, neither of which are things he likes to feel. It’s over, and he managed to make it through it, which is oddly satisfying. He’s exhausted, though, and feels so worn out from all the emotions he’s felt this morning. He also doesn’t want to let go of Bones.
“Why don’t we go back to bed,” Bones finally suggests. Jim is reluctant to get up, but it’s not a comfortable position, and he really needs to brush his teeth again, too.
“Yeah, that’d be good.” His voice is rough, and he clears his throat as he lets go of Bones. He straightens up, cringing slightly when he realizes that his leg has fallen asleep. Bones touches his face, dragging his thumb over Jim’s damp cheeks. Jim looks at him cautiously, feeling more defenseless than he can remember ever being.
Bones doesn’t say anything. He just leans forward and presses his lips against Jim’s mouth. Jim relaxes but doesn’t try to deepen the kiss. He hasn’t brushed his teeth yet, so he can wait. They stand up, and he laughs softly as he shakes his leg to try to get the feeling back into it. Bones doesn’t stop touching him, his arm or his back or his shoulders, even as he quickly brushes his teeth. It’s comforting.
When they go back to bed, Jim crawls into the middle. Bones curls up behind him, and he closes his eyes when Bone puts his arm around his waist. He presses closer, sighing softly as he focuses on how this feels. Even though the morning has been hell, dealing with thoughts about after graduation and bad memories, this, lying here with Bones, is good. Better than good, though Jim can’t explain why.
It just is.
End
#17: Heat | #19: Energy
Pairing: Kirk/McCoy
Fandom: Star Trek XI (spoilers)
Summary: It’s too early in the morning for whiskey
Rating: Teen/PG13
Word Count: 4050
A/N: #18 in the Two Men & a Motorbike series. Follows Heat
Jim wakes up to an empty bed. He moves his arm beside him, expecting to snuggle against Bones and try to sleep a little longer, but finds nothing there except for cold sheets. That wakes him up fast. He opens his eyes and raises up onto his elbows, looking around his room quickly. When he sees Bones sitting in a chair drinking from a mug, he relaxes. Bones hasn’t left.
“Morning,” he murmurs sleepily as he pushes himself to his knees and runs his fingers through his hair. He’s yawning when Bones looks at him. “’s too early to be up.”
“You should go back to sleep,” Bones tells him. “It is early.”
Jim scratches his belly and looks at the clock. Not even seven o’clock yet. On a Sunday? That’s ridiculous. “Come back to bed.” He yawns again as he looks at Bones.
“I can’t sleep,” Bones says before he smiles wryly.
It’s a simple statement, yet there’s a tone to it that makes Jim forget about how sleepy he is at the moment. “Something wrong?” he asks. He stretches his arms above his head before he shifts so that he’s sitting on the edge of the mattress closest to Bones.
“Just thinking.” Bones shrugs a shoulder before he takes another drink.
“About?” Jim stands up and goes over to the chair, leaning down to kiss Bones. He tastes coffee and whiskey. “You’re drinking whiskey at six something in the morning? I can taste it on you.”
“You haven’t brushed your teeth yet but you’re bitching about whiskey?” Bones shakes his head. “I added some to my coffee to give it a little kick.”
“I wasn’t bitching. I was just curious why you’d brought out the alcohol before dawn.” Jim runs his tongue over his teeth and wonders if his breath smells bad.
“I was thinking,” Bones repeats as he looks up at Jim. “The whiskey was necessary.”
“Oh.” Maybe his brain just isn’t fully awake yet because Jim doesn’t understand how thinking equates to drinking whiskey. He moves his fingers into Bones’ hair, rubbing his scalp gently before patting him. “Alright. I need to piss.”
Bones snorts but doesn’t say anything. Jim goes into the bathroom and takes the time to brush his teeth after flushing the toilet. He also splashes water on his face, which actually helps him become more alert. Bones is thinking and drinking whiskey-laced coffee before seven. Fuck.
When he goes back into the room, he stops behind Bones’ chair. “You’re tense,” he points out, wondering how he missed the obvious tension in Bones’ shoulders before. He reaches down and begins to knead the taut muscles. “I’m more awake now, so you’re not going to get by with vague answers that I accept when half-asleep.”
“If I asked, would you let it drop?”
“Probably not. Whatever you’re thinking about is stressing you out, plus whiskey at this hour hasn’t really been common since those first few weeks here. Besides, if you get to worry about my neck being upset, I get to worry about this.”
“I’m just being a maudlin old man, Jim. Nothing else.”
“You’re thirty. That’s not old enough for that excuse to work.”
“I’ll be thirty-one in a couple of months. Surely that’s old enough.”
“Nope, sorry. Old doesn’t happen until you’re covered in wrinkles and have white hair and it takes you at least five minutes to scold me for being a reckless bastard.”
“I doubt that it’ll ever take me that long to say that,” Bones says dryly.
“Then I guess you’ll never be old to me.” Jim presses his thumb firmly into Bones’ shoulder, rubbing a particular knot of tension hard. Bones bites back a moan as his head lolls forward. “Why are you maudlin?” he asks as he continues the massage.
“A lot of reasons. I started thinking about one thing and it was like the floodgates had opened. I was suddenly thinking about dozens of potentially depressing things.” Bones sighs and takes another drink.
“Like what?” Jim isn’t sure if he should push, but, really, it’s who he is, so he goes with his natural instincts. He’ll be able to tell if he goes too far.
“Graduation. It’s next weekend, you realize?” There’s more tension now. Jim can practically feel it building up beneath his fingertips.
“Yeah, I know. I’ve been waiting ages, it seems. Did I tell you that I’m getting a commendation?” He can’t keep the pride out of his voice. “After I got my ass reamed for the Kobayashi Maru mess, Barnett told me about it. Not bad for a fuck-up from Iowa, huh?”
“No, you hadn’t. I assumed you were, though, after I ran into you in Barnett’s office.” Bones glances back at him. “You’re not a fuck-up, so stop talking like that.”
“It’s the truth, not that I really care.” Jim leans down and kisses Bones quickly. “But thanks for choosing to ignore the reality of that aspect of my charming personality.” When he straightens, he looks at Bones thoughtfully as he goes back to massaging. “Why were you at Barnett’s office?”
“Getting my ass reamed for sneaking you on-board the Enterprise. I believe the words irresponsible, malpractice, and ill-advised were tossed around the most.” Bones shifts slightly and takes another drink of his coffee.
Jim considers it and remembers something Pike said. “No, that’s not it. You turned down an offer. Pike mentioned it, during that ‘let’s leave Jim out in the dark’ conversation that you two had the other day. What did you turn down?”
“Nothing important.” Bones can’t seem to relax at all. Jim keeps working on the knots of tension, only to feel them come back almost worse as they continue talking.
“Good. Then you can tell me, since it’s unimportant.”
Bones groans and curses under his breath. “Barnett said they wanted to give me a commendation. I told him to shove it. See? Nothing important.”
“You what?” Jim stops kneading and blinks down at the back of Bones’ head. “Bones, tell me that you didn’t refuse a fucking commendation. Damn it. Tell me that you did not tell the Admiral to shove it. They’ll kick you out for doing shit like that. Even I know that.”
“Still here, aren’t I?” Bones makes a disgusted noise. “The only reason they wanted to give me anything was because I kept Pike alive. All those who didn’t survive didn’t matter at all when a damn Captain was involved. It’s a bunch of goddamn bullshit, is what it is. Besides, I was only doing my job. I’m a doctor, not a hero. I’ll leave that to you.”
“I think I need to sit down.” Jim walks over to the bed and sits. “Bones, do you have any idea how detrimental it is to refuse a commendation? People just don’t do that, especially not if they want to eventually earn rank and get promoted.”
“Jim, you’re not listening to me.” Bones sighs. “I don’t care about all that political bullshit. I’ve told you that before, and it’s not changed. I didn’t think that you cared about it, either. Is Pike turning you into some ass-kissing pod person?”
“Fuck you.” Jim frowns. “I want to be a captain, Bones. I’m here to become an officer. I might hate it, but that requires playing their stupid games sometimes. I haven’t changed my thoughts on authority and shit. I’m just determined enough to get what I want that I can work the system until I get it.”
“There’s the difference then. I’m not here to become a CMO.” Bones makes a face before he takes another drink. “I’m here because I needed to do something after the divorce. I lost my father, my wife, my daughter, my practice was in shambles, and this place seemed like the best choice to get out before I drowned.”
“You’re already a CMO. Spock made you one and Pike confirmed the appointment after. I was there, and it’s not something they can just ignore, even if you’re an asshole.” Jim feels like the world is spinning because he can’t understand Bones. Jim’s future plans since joining Starfleet have always been to become a captain and to have Bones as his CMO. But Bones sounds like his goals are completely different.
Bones laughs dryly. “The world doesn’t work that way, kid. If it did, you wouldn’t be worried about appointments, since you’ve already been a captain.”
“That’s not the same.” Jim shakes his head and looks at Bones. “You really don’t want to be CMO?”
“I told Barnett that there’s only one future captain I’ll ever serve under with that title,” Bones says simply. He reaches for the bottle of whiskey and drinks straight from it. “He wasn’t too happy with my inflexibility, so I expect that I’ll be stationed at some airbase in the middle of nowhere so that I can, how did he put it, evaluate my potential and make acceptable choices that benefit Starfleet.”
“You told him that?” Jim is torn between being flattered that Bones believes in him so much and wanting to punch Bones for being such an obstinate ass. He’s one of the most reckless cadets at the Academy, but even he knows what lines not to cross when it comes to officials and politics. Risk his life to save a crew member? Sure. Face an Admiral and say ‘fuck you’? No way. He looks at Bones and worries his bottom lip.
“Damn it, Jim. Don’t look at me like that.” He takes another swig directly from the bottle. “I hate flying, and I have no interest in dealing with some egotistical asshole who thinks he or she knows everything just because they’ve got captain stripes. Being exiled to the middle of fucking nowhere would be better than that, since I’d probably get my ass fired in no time.”
“What if they’ve marked it down, Bones? What if they won’t let me have you whenever I become captain?” He looks at the floor and tries not to feel sick at the idea of being separated from Bones. He’s tried not to think about it, tried not to dwell on the upcoming graduation and assignments, but he can’t stop the thoughts now.
Bones doesn’t answer. Jim’s actually relieved because there really isn’t any way to know, so anything Bones says would be empty and uncertain. “Who knows what’ll happen, Jim? Hell. The last month has shown us that, hasn’t it? An entire planet is gone now. With how you rush into dangerous situations, you could be gone just as quickly.”
“Yeah, I know. Foolhardy Kirk, running ahead and getting himself killed is one of your mantras when you’re trying to push me away.” Jim looks up and scowls. “It’s not going to work this time, though. I’m not going anywhere.”
“But you are. So am I.” Bones’ voice cracks and he takes another drink from the bottle. “Next weekend, our future is being decided, and we’re going to have to go wherever we’re told. We probably won’t see each other again, since I doubt you’ll want to visit wherever I’m sent on your shore leave.”
“Asshole.” Jim growls the word and clenches his fingers around the sheet he’s sitting on. “You doubt I’ll want to visit? You fucking bastard. Do you still think that this means nothing? That you mean nothing to me?” He counts to ten. Then makes it twenty. “It’s not going to hurt less if you push now, Bones. We’re past that point. We have been for weeks. Hell, maybe even years.”
Bones hunches forward, setting the bottle on the floor between his legs. “I’ve lost so much already,” he whispers. “I can’t--“ He trails off and puts his hands on the back of his head.
“You’re not going to lose me,” Jim says firmly. “I don’t care where we get sent or what the hell the future holds, that is not going to happen.” He stands and reaches for the bottle, taking a healthy drink of the whiskey before he sits back down on the bed. “Now I understand why you broke out the bottle so early. Damn, Bones. This isn’t a good way to start the day.”
“I warned you to drop it.” Bones looks up at him. “Whatever happens, I’m not abandoning you,” he says quietly. “Even if we never see each other except via grainy communications, I’m not walking away from you, from our friendship.” He hesitates and licks his lips. “We’re best friends. That won’t change even if other stuff does.”
“What other stuff?” Jim doesn’t touch on the abandoning thing. Not right now when he feels raw and scared about what the future holds for them.
“Sex.” Bones is blunt, and the word startles Jim. For once, his mind isn’t even on sex, so he’s surprised. Bones looks uncomfortable, maybe even more than the first day they met, which still reigns supreme as ‘I really don’t want to do this but I have to’ in the catalog of Bones’ expressions that Jim keeps. Bones isn’t looking at him now, and the nerve in his cheek is twitching. “Since there’s a greater chance that I’d reunite with my ex than there is that you’d be celibate for any length of time, which means there’s no chance, you’ll have a girl or three in every port. But that’s not gonna ruin our friendship.”
“I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” Jim takes another drink before he puts the bottle on the floor. He doesn’t want to think about losing Bones, doesn’t want to think about not being able to see him whenever he wants, doesn’t want to think about nameless women he’ll fuck when he really only wants Bones. And that scares him nearly as much as the uncertainty of their future.
“Ignoring it isn’t going to make it go away,” Bones points out. “This isn’t something you can run from, Jim.”
“I’m not running from it. I jumped, remember? Damn the consequences. You jumped, too. We won’t know until Saturday where we’re even being assigned, so this is just fucking pointless.” Jim turns around and lies on his stomach, pulling Bones’ pillow closer so he can rest his chin on it. He closes his eyes when he feels the mattress dip beside him. He barely manages to get the words out as he whispers, “You can’t leave me. Everyone always leaves.”
“Oh, Jim.” Bones sighs and brushes his lips against Jim’s shoulder. “I already told you that I’m not leaving. Even if we aren’t in the same place, I’ll always be there for you.”
It’s stupid to be upset about something that hasn’t even happened yet, but Bones has made it impossible to think about anything else. Jim’s pride and excitement about graduation is now mixing with fears and anxiety until he isn’t sure how to feel about Saturday. What’s even worse is that he was trying to soothe Bones in the first place, and now he’s tense, too.
He rolls his head so he can look at Bones. “I’m being selfish again, aren’t I?” he asks softly. “That’s why you didn’t want to talk to me, to tell me why you were upset.”
“Not this time,” Bones murmurs. “I didn’t want to tell you because talking about it makes it real.” He leans down to rest his forehead against Jim’s shoulderblade, rubbing his jaw against Jim’s skin. “I never wanted to feel like this again.” The admission is a warm breath on Jim’s back. He doesn’t know exactly what Bones means, but he’s too nervous to ask.
“Do you really think they’re going to send you off somewhere?” He hates the waver in his voice, hates the weakness that he feels right now, but it’s not something he can control, which is probably one reason it’s so frustrating.
Bones’ laugh lacks humor. “I don’t know. I don’t play their games. I put my work as a doctor above any of their rules and regulations. It shouldn’t even matter, since I signed up for the chance to research and to develop new procedures to further the field, not to babysit some politician running a ship.”
“Not all captains are politicians,” he points out. “I know that medicine is important to you, and I respect it even when I don’t understand what you’re talking about. But becoming a captain is important to me. You don’t have to constantly make it sound like some kind of disease you can’t cure.”
Bones nuzzles his shoulder and strokes his back with his fingers. “You’re an exception. You’re my exception,” he says, and Jim bites his lip as he remembers telling Bones the same thing, only in different circumstances. Bones caresses the curve of his ass, brushing his thumb over one of Jim’s scars.
“That tickles.” He shifts slightly and moves his arm so that he can touch Bones. He strokes his bicep and hopes that says what he can’t put into words right now. Bones kisses his shoulder again as he continues to lightly trace the scar.
“It’s a deep scar,” Bones observes in a tone that Jim doesn’t really recognize.
“I guess.” Jim hasn’t ever examined it. Hell, he’s mostly forgotten about those scars. It’s not like he stares at his ass or like he’d be bragging about them. If anything, he’d rather forget them.
“So is this one.” Bones moves his thumb over a scar near the bottom of Jim’s left cheek. “I noticed them the other day, in the shower.”
“I’ve got other scars, if you’re doing inventory,” he says. “When you’re done counting, wake me up.”
Bones scrapes his teeth against Jim’s back. “No sleeping, you lazy bastard.” His voice softens as he continues to trace the scars. “How did you get these?”
Jim stiffens at the question. “I don’t remember,” he lies smoothly. “Must have fallen.”
“At the pool, you told me that you knew the difference between intentional and unintentional,” Bones says quietly. “This is what you meant, isn’t it?”
He doesn’t want to think about it, much less talk about it. He never has, so there’s no point in doing so now. “If I asked, would you drop it?” He figures the answer will be the same that he gave earlier, but he has to ask.
There’s silence for a moment. “Yes,” Bones murmurs before he kisses the back of Jim’s neck.
“Oh.” Jim is surprised, and he feels torn. When he asks Bones personal questions, he gets answers, even if they’re given reluctantly. But Bones is giving him a chance to refuse to answer and the kiss seems to indicate that he won’t be annoyed if he doesn’t. It’s slightly disconcerting.
“Are you asking?” Bones presses more fully against him, and Jim closes his eyes as he enjoys the feel of skin against skin. It’s comforting, and he feels safe here, with Bones around him.
“Frank,” he says hoarsely, stumbling slightly over the name. He can’t remember the last time he said it, and he hates hearing it. He turns his face into the pillow and inhales the scent of Bones that lingers on the cotton pillowcase.
Bones moves his hand up to rest on his hip, his grip tight but reassuring. “That bastard,” Bones says tightly, unable to conceal his anger even as he tries to soothe Jim.“Did he…did he touch you?”
Jim shakes his head but doesn’t lift it from the pillow. He cringes as memories flood his mind, of Frank screaming and hitting and fighting, of George leaving, of spankings that left him unable to sit, of listening to Frank after. Oh God. He turns and pushes Bones away as he scrambles to his feet. “Gonna be sick.” He runs to the toilet and falls to his knees, vomiting as the memories he’s managed to bury away for so many years overwhelm him.
“Damn it. I’m sorry, Jim. I’m--“ Bones trails off, and Jim feels a hand on his back, rubbing him soothingly as he empties his stomach. When there’s nothing left, he lets Bones wipe his face. Bones makes him take a drink, and he swishes water in his mouth before spitting it into the toilet. He’s shaking and he still feels sick as he leans against Bones, not caring that they’re sitting naked on the floor of the bathroom.
“He jerked off after,” he whispers, closing his eyes as he turns his head into Bones’ chest. Bones tightens his grip on his arm. “I was always such a good boy, did everything right because George was always being hit, being yelled at, and I didn’t want him to notice me. But George left, and Mom didn’t believe us, didn’t listen or maybe didn’t care because she didn’t want us, she left us with him.”
“What did he do?” Bones asks tightly. He rocks Jim slowly, stroking his back as Jim clings to him.
“I was small for my age. Such an easy target after George was gone, and I’d stopped being good by then, started acting out and fucking up. I thought maybe Mom would notice me then, would believe me when she wouldn’t listen to George.” The words keep coming out of his mouth, and he can’t seem to stop them. He feels pathetic, weak, good for nothing, and he flinches when he realizes that he’s hearing Frank’s voice in his head. “She didn’t. And it got worse as I got older. He liked to spank me, liked to pull my pants down and spank my bare skin with whatever he could find that’d hurt the most. I’d hear him after, in his room, fucking his hand. He got off on it, on making me bleed.”
“Shh. It’s over now.” Bones keeps rubbing his back and holding him so tight that Jim feels like nothing will ever hurt him. “You’re safe. He can’t ever do that again.”
“I’m sorry.” Jim can barely get the words out. His eyes are stinging, and he blinks them rapidly as he turns his face more fully into Bones.
“There’s nothing to be sorry for,” Bones tells him softly. “I shouldn’t have asked. I suspected, after you tensed the other day in the shower and I saw the scars, but I had no idea…” Bones holds him tighter as he stops talking.
Jim doesn’t know how long they sit there. Bones murmurs at him, stroking him and holding him and not judging him for being so fucked up. This is the first time that he’s ever talked about his past, and he just feels vulnerable and fragile, neither of which are things he likes to feel. It’s over, and he managed to make it through it, which is oddly satisfying. He’s exhausted, though, and feels so worn out from all the emotions he’s felt this morning. He also doesn’t want to let go of Bones.
“Why don’t we go back to bed,” Bones finally suggests. Jim is reluctant to get up, but it’s not a comfortable position, and he really needs to brush his teeth again, too.
“Yeah, that’d be good.” His voice is rough, and he clears his throat as he lets go of Bones. He straightens up, cringing slightly when he realizes that his leg has fallen asleep. Bones touches his face, dragging his thumb over Jim’s damp cheeks. Jim looks at him cautiously, feeling more defenseless than he can remember ever being.
Bones doesn’t say anything. He just leans forward and presses his lips against Jim’s mouth. Jim relaxes but doesn’t try to deepen the kiss. He hasn’t brushed his teeth yet, so he can wait. They stand up, and he laughs softly as he shakes his leg to try to get the feeling back into it. Bones doesn’t stop touching him, his arm or his back or his shoulders, even as he quickly brushes his teeth. It’s comforting.
When they go back to bed, Jim crawls into the middle. Bones curls up behind him, and he closes his eyes when Bone puts his arm around his waist. He presses closer, sighing softly as he focuses on how this feels. Even though the morning has been hell, dealing with thoughts about after graduation and bad memories, this, lying here with Bones, is good. Better than good, though Jim can’t explain why.
It just is.
End
#17: Heat | #19: Energy