The Address is 221B Baker Street - February
I was going to fancy this up and add to it or try to make it funnier by watching the movie while drunk, or something else equally ridiculous. But I've decided it's best to leave it as it is, much the same as when I first wrote it when watching the movie for the gazillionth time, but for the first time after all this madness began. For reference, John and Sherlock are watching the 1993 Ken Branagh/Emma Thompson movie here.
Mass bathing scene. Your lot aren’t going to manage that I expect.
*a considerable pause*
Sherlock?
We should be safe within a Regency setting.
*****
Ouch. Damning with faint praise. Ha. Short daughter. Clearly I fall in love with you because you’re so tall.
mm.
I’m rather a prat.
Yes.
This chap, Claudio, he’s sort of a sap, isn’t he?
I’m pleased you’re grasping the basic character types so thoroughly.
Shut it.
*****
The villain is getting a massage while wearing leather trousers. This is truly disturbing.
I am afraid this villain is an example of a character not yet being fully formed. He was a forerunner of Iago. One would have hoped that an American could have infused him with more energy, though.
He is - troublingly awful. Much too stiff.
*****
Hm. Should I have a beard?
*a considerable pause*
Yes.
*****
But see, wait, now her father is saying he wants her to say yes if the Prince asks her to marry him.
Yes.
But the Prince is going to give her to Claudio.
Yes.
How is her father going to feel about that?
Glad to be rid of her.
Seriously, Sherlock. This is classic bait and switch. You want a Prince for the family and you end up with this sap, Claudio.
This was when you paid the man to take away your daughter, John.
*a considerable pause*
Hm. Right.
*****
Good lord, I am a complete and utter bastard.
As I have just pointed out quite effectively.
Hang on, he’s making a move on you!
Yes.
But that’s my job.
Well then, get on with it.
I can’t. There’s this script thing in the way.
*****
Oh, dear; poor me, I’ve lost my best mate to a woman; a short woman at that. Sherlock how the hell am I going to pull this off?
It will be fine; stop worrying. Indeed it is passing strange, Benedick, well spotted.
*****
Is that a monk?
Why would there be a monk?
I don’t know, but look, that musician has a rope belt. He’s a monk. Isn’t that odd?
Hm. I imagine they had an extra costume. I can’t think of any other reason for there to be a random monk.
I’ll back it up.
You won’t, I don’t care if there’s a random monk. Just watch the film.
*****
Watch this closely - not the physical comedy, that’s awful. Good actors feigning bad acting is always instructive.
He’s buying this?
Yes, it’s that script thing again. Besides; recall Beatrice’s implication that he had lent her his heart a while.
Oh! Oh, I’d forgotten that. They’re exes, then. That does add another dimension. Perhaps I should call Sarah and see if she’d be willing to run lines.
Why would you need her? You have me!
Yes, I can’t imagine needing anyone other than you. Ever. For anything. Oh, look, it’s your turn to fall for bad acting.
*****
Snerk.
What?
Taming your wild heart to my loving hand. I’ll get right on that, shall I?
Quite.
*****
Rousing music - cut to - oh, good, the comedy bit. Yes, do knock that off, it’s annoying. Ha! Oh, hey, Batman!
Who?
The American, he was Batman a long time ago.
What are you on about?
Batman - look, never mind.
*****
Oh, god.
Yes. He is still just as awful. Oh look, I’m a fop here as well as an arse.
You’re not an arse anymore; you’ve turned fop instead.
*****
dun dun dun
Yes.
*****
Oh, certainly she would have objected to his calling another girl’s name!
*aggrieved sigh*
Less enlightened time, right, sorry.
*****
Random monk! Random monk!
Will you shut up about the monk?!
Oh! He’s a friar! The musician from before with the rope belt. That explains it - oh, hang on, that’s not, oh - Hey! Knock that off you sap!
*pretzel bits shower the telly*
Well, do consider what he thinks he has seen.
No, that is just not on. I don’t care what he thinks he’s seen!
No, of course you wouldn’t.
What’s that supposed to mean?
Nothing. You’re just very - Chivalrous - as a general rule.
*****
What? That doesn’t make any sense. Why would he forgive her just because she’s died?
Just stalling for time, really.
Oh, here we go. Well, at least you can cry on cue.
How do you imagine I acquired the skill?
Eat what?
Words.
Ah.
Oh god, I’m going to have to kiss you, aren’t I?
What will people say?
Exactly. Though I suppose being engaged changes things somewhat.
Do keep in mind that I will be wearing a dress.
Oh! Do you know, that honestly hadn’t occurred to me.
I thought that would make you feel better.
God, that wouldn’t work unless they were exes.
Indeed. It works much better if an intimacy between Benedick and Beatrice is manifest.
*****
Oh good, funny bit.
Stolen away; we are saved!
Hm?
No more of the leather-clad American.
Oh. Um. Good. That was - abrupt.
This particular departure is welcome no matter how abrupt.
*****
See? Her being dead hasn’t made a difference.
Again, stalling for time.
Oh, I like this. I’m avenging the wrong.
In the name of your lady, no less.
Again with the kissing!
In this scene I am the party refusing to kiss you. Please do act as if you would like to kiss me.
Too wise to woo peaceably.
Indeed. And then we all dance.
We’re going to have to dance?
There will be lessons, don’t worry.
I could elect to have an appendectomy.
What?
I could go in for a voluntary appendectomy. If someone is actually performing surgery on my body, Grandmother wouldn’t be able to force me onto the stage.
John, you’re being ridiculous.
It’s perhaps a little extreme.
She would sew you up herself and then force you onto the stage.
Mass bathing scene. Your lot aren’t going to manage that I expect.
*a considerable pause*
Sherlock?
We should be safe within a Regency setting.
*****
Ouch. Damning with faint praise. Ha. Short daughter. Clearly I fall in love with you because you’re so tall.
mm.
I’m rather a prat.
Yes.
This chap, Claudio, he’s sort of a sap, isn’t he?
I’m pleased you’re grasping the basic character types so thoroughly.
Shut it.
*****
The villain is getting a massage while wearing leather trousers. This is truly disturbing.
I am afraid this villain is an example of a character not yet being fully formed. He was a forerunner of Iago. One would have hoped that an American could have infused him with more energy, though.
He is - troublingly awful. Much too stiff.
*****
Hm. Should I have a beard?
*a considerable pause*
Yes.
*****
But see, wait, now her father is saying he wants her to say yes if the Prince asks her to marry him.
Yes.
But the Prince is going to give her to Claudio.
Yes.
How is her father going to feel about that?
Glad to be rid of her.
Seriously, Sherlock. This is classic bait and switch. You want a Prince for the family and you end up with this sap, Claudio.
This was when you paid the man to take away your daughter, John.
*a considerable pause*
Hm. Right.
*****
Good lord, I am a complete and utter bastard.
As I have just pointed out quite effectively.
Hang on, he’s making a move on you!
Yes.
But that’s my job.
Well then, get on with it.
I can’t. There’s this script thing in the way.
*****
Oh, dear; poor me, I’ve lost my best mate to a woman; a short woman at that. Sherlock how the hell am I going to pull this off?
It will be fine; stop worrying. Indeed it is passing strange, Benedick, well spotted.
*****
Is that a monk?
Why would there be a monk?
I don’t know, but look, that musician has a rope belt. He’s a monk. Isn’t that odd?
Hm. I imagine they had an extra costume. I can’t think of any other reason for there to be a random monk.
I’ll back it up.
You won’t, I don’t care if there’s a random monk. Just watch the film.
*****
Watch this closely - not the physical comedy, that’s awful. Good actors feigning bad acting is always instructive.
He’s buying this?
Yes, it’s that script thing again. Besides; recall Beatrice’s implication that he had lent her his heart a while.
Oh! Oh, I’d forgotten that. They’re exes, then. That does add another dimension. Perhaps I should call Sarah and see if she’d be willing to run lines.
Why would you need her? You have me!
Yes, I can’t imagine needing anyone other than you. Ever. For anything. Oh, look, it’s your turn to fall for bad acting.
*****
Snerk.
What?
Taming your wild heart to my loving hand. I’ll get right on that, shall I?
Quite.
*****
Rousing music - cut to - oh, good, the comedy bit. Yes, do knock that off, it’s annoying. Ha! Oh, hey, Batman!
Who?
The American, he was Batman a long time ago.
What are you on about?
Batman - look, never mind.
*****
Oh, god.
Yes. He is still just as awful. Oh look, I’m a fop here as well as an arse.
You’re not an arse anymore; you’ve turned fop instead.
*****
dun dun dun
Yes.
*****
Oh, certainly she would have objected to his calling another girl’s name!
*aggrieved sigh*
Less enlightened time, right, sorry.
*****
Random monk! Random monk!
Will you shut up about the monk?!
Oh! He’s a friar! The musician from before with the rope belt. That explains it - oh, hang on, that’s not, oh - Hey! Knock that off you sap!
*pretzel bits shower the telly*
Well, do consider what he thinks he has seen.
No, that is just not on. I don’t care what he thinks he’s seen!
No, of course you wouldn’t.
What’s that supposed to mean?
Nothing. You’re just very - Chivalrous - as a general rule.
*****
What? That doesn’t make any sense. Why would he forgive her just because she’s died?
Just stalling for time, really.
Oh, here we go. Well, at least you can cry on cue.
How do you imagine I acquired the skill?
Eat what?
Words.
Ah.
Oh god, I’m going to have to kiss you, aren’t I?
What will people say?
Exactly. Though I suppose being engaged changes things somewhat.
Do keep in mind that I will be wearing a dress.
Oh! Do you know, that honestly hadn’t occurred to me.
I thought that would make you feel better.
God, that wouldn’t work unless they were exes.
Indeed. It works much better if an intimacy between Benedick and Beatrice is manifest.
*****
Oh good, funny bit.
Stolen away; we are saved!
Hm?
No more of the leather-clad American.
Oh. Um. Good. That was - abrupt.
This particular departure is welcome no matter how abrupt.
*****
See? Her being dead hasn’t made a difference.
Again, stalling for time.
Oh, I like this. I’m avenging the wrong.
In the name of your lady, no less.
Again with the kissing!
In this scene I am the party refusing to kiss you. Please do act as if you would like to kiss me.
Too wise to woo peaceably.
Indeed. And then we all dance.
We’re going to have to dance?
There will be lessons, don’t worry.
I could elect to have an appendectomy.
What?
I could go in for a voluntary appendectomy. If someone is actually performing surgery on my body, Grandmother wouldn’t be able to force me onto the stage.
John, you’re being ridiculous.
It’s perhaps a little extreme.
She would sew you up herself and then force you onto the stage.