I feel like I can breathe again.
(I started writing this on Friday night. I'm just finishing it now)
I've had a really rough week - I've been so worried, stressed out, emotionally exhausted, and just overall dreading being alone, especially at night.
I found out more about what was going on with Tristan. He went to Africa a few months ago to learn more about African music and culture. While there, he agreed to take part in a ritual that involves TTX and it left him near-death. So for the past two weeks, I would go days without knowing if he was alive or concious or what. It has been so exhausting and draining.
Throughout this time, we had been doing that wonderful little thing that exes tend to do when they get caught up in the past: "I miss when we used to..." "Well, I miss this..." "Why couldn't we make it work?" "You're all I ever wanted" etc etc etc. Not only did this confuse the hell out of me, mostly because deep down I know we will never be together again, but it also made me feel guilty about C and what all of this crap would mean. I felt like it was unfair to be with him if I knew that I never really got over T. I was distant and didn't know how to ask him for support as I was worrying about someone I still loved.
I had trouble sleeping, I cried myself to sleep almost every night, the days were long and dark and sad. It was the worst I've felt in a long time. I stopped eating for days and so as a result, I was even more irritable and tired. When I was with C, I felt weird and distant. When he would try to hold me, I would feel like it shouldn't be him, that something was wrong and off, and that just made me feel worse. It was all a big giant mess.
I got word from him yesterday that he got his voice back. It was the most relieving and comforting feeling. I felt like things would be okay. After, there were a few back & forth moments. We had a conversation on Friday evening though that completely changed my perspective. We talked about the future in realistic terms (for the first time, ever) and it gave me some closure that I needed so desperately. It gave me the confidence to believe that no matter what happens, it would be okay. And that I could finally stop believing in this fantasy that we had built up when we were together.
I just feel so much fucking better.
I've had a really rough week - I've been so worried, stressed out, emotionally exhausted, and just overall dreading being alone, especially at night.
I found out more about what was going on with Tristan. He went to Africa a few months ago to learn more about African music and culture. While there, he agreed to take part in a ritual that involves TTX and it left him near-death. So for the past two weeks, I would go days without knowing if he was alive or concious or what. It has been so exhausting and draining.
Throughout this time, we had been doing that wonderful little thing that exes tend to do when they get caught up in the past: "I miss when we used to..." "Well, I miss this..." "Why couldn't we make it work?" "You're all I ever wanted" etc etc etc. Not only did this confuse the hell out of me, mostly because deep down I know we will never be together again, but it also made me feel guilty about C and what all of this crap would mean. I felt like it was unfair to be with him if I knew that I never really got over T. I was distant and didn't know how to ask him for support as I was worrying about someone I still loved.
I had trouble sleeping, I cried myself to sleep almost every night, the days were long and dark and sad. It was the worst I've felt in a long time. I stopped eating for days and so as a result, I was even more irritable and tired. When I was with C, I felt weird and distant. When he would try to hold me, I would feel like it shouldn't be him, that something was wrong and off, and that just made me feel worse. It was all a big giant mess.
I got word from him yesterday that he got his voice back. It was the most relieving and comforting feeling. I felt like things would be okay. After, there were a few back & forth moments. We had a conversation on Friday evening though that completely changed my perspective. We talked about the future in realistic terms (for the first time, ever) and it gave me some closure that I needed so desperately. It gave me the confidence to believe that no matter what happens, it would be okay. And that I could finally stop believing in this fantasy that we had built up when we were together.
I just feel so much fucking better.