Heaven and Hell Klatch
Title: Heaven and Hell Klatch
Author: immortal_jedi
Wordcount: 1417
Rating: PG
Characters: Sam, Castiel
Summary: Heaven's newest archangel finds out that Hell can contact Heaven- when the new Lord of Hell demands to speak with whoever's in charge.
Spoilers/Warning: All five seasons, none for season six.
AN: This is the unexpected prequel to Lunch with Heaven and Hell (and a Mechanic), the crack fic that I wrote back in June. This story is not meant to be taken any more seriously then that one. I think I’ve got a series going, I’m calling it Heaven, Hell, and A Mechanic from now on.
Many thanks go to viridian_magpie for the lightening fast beta.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Castiel stifled the urge to groan as yet another of his brothers approached him.
When he’d told Dean that he was going up to Heaven to sort things out, he hadn’t expected it to be quite so bad.
He had rebelled, died twice, fallen, been human, been restored, and then elevated to hold the power of an archangel. Most of his brothers and sisters didn’t know what to think about him. Plus, with Gabriel dead, Michael and Lucifer trapped, and Raphael missing, he was the only archangel.
Somehow, that meant that he was forgiven for his part in ending the Apocalypse and he was now the leader of the Host. He had been expecting a lot more resistance, but less then a second after reappearing in heaven, he had been accepted back into the fold.
In his more cynical moments (his more human moments, part of him insisted) he thought it was simply because no one else wanted to lead the Host when there was this much confusion.
Other times, he wondered if it wasn’t because they didn’t know what to do with him. He’d been killed twice, and someone- God their Father, most likely- had brought him back both times.
Additionally, he was an archangel now, and none of the lower ranks wanted to go against an archangel.
Castiel waited for his brother to speak. “Castiel,” Kabshiel began, and then paused for a long moment.
“What is it?” Castiel finally asked.
“The majority of the Host doesn’t know about this, but there is a way for us to contact Hell, and in turn, for Hell to contact us. It is not done often, but it has come to pass now.”
Castiel frowned. He’d remained in human form since he’d returned, since leaving this vessel would mean he’d have to find a new one.
“How?” he asked.
“I don’t know,” Kabshiel said. “We never asked how. Michael knew, but he never told us how, or even why.”
Castiel scowled. “Unsurprising. Is there a specific place where we contact them?” he asked.
“Yes.”
“Take me there. I’ll deal with whatever demon is contacting us.”
“Yes, sir.”
Castiel wasn’t surprised when Kabshiel led him deeper into the main complex, where most angels never went.
“I’ll handle this alone,” Castiel said just outside the room.
“He’s in human form,” Kabshiel said. “And angry.”
“Did the demon give his name?”
“No,” Kabshiel said. “He just threatened me and told me to get you.”
“Me, personally?”
“He asked for whoever was in charge after Michael fell into the Pit.”
Castiel nodded. “Very well,” he said.
He entered the room and shut the door behind him before facing the projection from Hell.
“Castiel?” the form asked, shocked.
“Lucifer,” Castiel growled.
“What? No, Cas, it’s me. Sam!”
For a moment, Castiel allowed himself to hope, before cursing himself for a fool. It really couldn’t be Sam.
“Don’t try to fool me, Lucifer.”
“Cas, listen. The cage can only hold angelic forms. It can’t hold souls or bodies. I fell right through, but Lucifer was trapped. Cas, I promise, it’s me, Sam.” The being in Sam’s form smiled. “I thought you were dead, Cas. And now you’re in charge up there?”
“I am an archangel,” Castiel said. He wasn’t convinced that this was Sam, not yet, but he could treat him with courtesy.
“Good, that will make this easier,” Sam/Lucifer said. He snorted. “Imagine my surprise when I found out there was a way to communicate between Heaven and Hell. Of course, as soon as I found out about it, I knew I needed to use it.”
Castiel settled back. “Why are you using it?” he asked.
The being in Sam’s form smiled, showing his dimples. “I had planned on threatening whoever had taken control of Heaven. I wanted to make sure they knew that Dean is off limits.”
Castiel leaned forward. “What?”
The being’s smile deepened. “I wanted to make sure that Dean is not harassed by angels. I don’t think I need to worry about that anymore. You won’t let it happen, Cas.”
Castiel smiled. There was no way that Lucifer would ever care what happened to Dean beyond his death. “Sam,” he said.
Sam just glanced to the side. “Of course,” he said. “What about you, Cas? I thought he… I thought you were dead.”
Castiel shrugged imperceptibly. “Someone brought me back again. This time, I was an archangel. I can only assume it was my Father.”
“And no sign of him, right?” Sam asked.
Castiel sighed. “No.”
“I’m not surprised,” Sam said wryly. “But Dean? He’s alright, I know, at least physically. I’ve gotten word to him that I’m alright, but I really don’t know how he’s doing.”
Castiel looked up. “I haven’t had a chance to visit him since I returned to Heaven- I’m suddenly the leader of chaos…” he had to stop as Sam started laughing. “This is no laughing matter, Sam!”
Sam snorted. “Yes it is!” he said. “The way you said that, Cas…”
“We were discussing your brother,” Castiel interrupted.
Sam chuckled again and took a deep breath. “Right. You haven’t seen him in… what, two, three weeks earth time?”
“I did manage to call him,” Castiel said. “There are advantages to being an archangel, my cell phone is still working.”
Sam snorted. “Well, that’s good,” he said. “But is he alright?”
Castiel sighed. “I don’t know,” he admitted. “He says he is.”
Sam snorted. “Well, it’s… June on Earth, right?”
“I think so,” Castiel said. “You would know the months better then I would.”
“Time runs differently down here,” Sam reminded the angel. “I’m estimating. It’s either the end of May or the beginning of June.”
“I see,” Castiel said. “How did you end up highly placed in Hell?”
“Highly placed” Sam snorted. “Cas, somehow, I’m the ruler of Hell. And I’m not sure, honestly. Dumb luck, mostly.”
“Something Winchesters have in abundance,” Castiel said.
Sam chuckled. “Yes, we do,” he said. “As well as bad luck.”
“Yes,” Castiel said. “Though a good bit of your bad luck was engineered by both sides.”
“Don’t I know it,” Sam said. He looked straight at the angel. “Cas? You’re ok, right?”
“I’m fine, Sam,” Castiel assured him. “It’s been very… interesting, but I’m fine.”
Sam laughed. “That’s one way to put it,” he said. He sighed and looked away. “Well, this isn’t going at all the way I planned. But since it’s you, I have a question. Is Bobby up there? I can’t find him down here, so I have to hope he made it up there.”
Castiel inhaled sharply. “Sam, Bobby’s alive,” he said.
Sam’s jaw dropped. “But I… Lucifer, I remember, he broke Bobby’s neck.”
Castiel nodded. “And I healed him as soon as I could,” he said. “Just after I was brought back.”
Sam smiled brilliantly. “Good,” he said.
Neither of them said anything for a long time.
“So… now what do we do?” Sam asked. “I mean, I think I have things relatively under control down here, and Lucifer and Michael aren’t getting out anytime soon. But I’m…” he trailed off.
Castiel nodded. “You’re in Hell,” he said simply.
“Pretty much,” Sam said. “And you’re the archangel in charge of Heaven. And Dean’s on Earth.”
“I don’t see why that’s a problem,” Castiel said. “You are still a good man, Sam, and unless you want to try to take over Heaven or Earth, there’s nothing wrong.”
Sam laughed. “Please, I can barely keep the demons under control as it is.”
Castiel nodded. “There you go,” he said. “Beside, I suspect my Father has planned this,” he said. “I don’t know why or how, but it’s his design that has us in charge of so much.”
Sam snorted. “You still have faith in him, huh?” he asked.
“He brought me back,” Castiel said. “And you are not being tortured right now, for some reason. So, I have to hope that it’s His plan.”
Sam sighed. “If you say so,” he said. “Anyway, I’m planning to get out of here for an afternoon fairly soon. Meg managed to get Dean’s schedule and he has Saturdays off. I’m planning on… um… kidnapping him and taking him for a day off, probably starting with lunch at this diner that we both loved when we were kids.”
Castiel snorted. “He’ll like that… after he yells at you for several minutes.”
“Very likely,” Sam said. “Do you want to come along, if you can?”
Castiel grinned. “I’d like that very much,” he said.
Author: immortal_jedi
Wordcount: 1417
Rating: PG
Characters: Sam, Castiel
Summary: Heaven's newest archangel finds out that Hell can contact Heaven- when the new Lord of Hell demands to speak with whoever's in charge.
Spoilers/Warning: All five seasons, none for season six.
AN: This is the unexpected prequel to Lunch with Heaven and Hell (and a Mechanic), the crack fic that I wrote back in June. This story is not meant to be taken any more seriously then that one. I think I’ve got a series going, I’m calling it Heaven, Hell, and A Mechanic from now on.
Many thanks go to viridian_magpie for the lightening fast beta.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Castiel stifled the urge to groan as yet another of his brothers approached him.
When he’d told Dean that he was going up to Heaven to sort things out, he hadn’t expected it to be quite so bad.
He had rebelled, died twice, fallen, been human, been restored, and then elevated to hold the power of an archangel. Most of his brothers and sisters didn’t know what to think about him. Plus, with Gabriel dead, Michael and Lucifer trapped, and Raphael missing, he was the only archangel.
Somehow, that meant that he was forgiven for his part in ending the Apocalypse and he was now the leader of the Host. He had been expecting a lot more resistance, but less then a second after reappearing in heaven, he had been accepted back into the fold.
In his more cynical moments (his more human moments, part of him insisted) he thought it was simply because no one else wanted to lead the Host when there was this much confusion.
Other times, he wondered if it wasn’t because they didn’t know what to do with him. He’d been killed twice, and someone- God their Father, most likely- had brought him back both times.
Additionally, he was an archangel now, and none of the lower ranks wanted to go against an archangel.
Castiel waited for his brother to speak. “Castiel,” Kabshiel began, and then paused for a long moment.
“What is it?” Castiel finally asked.
“The majority of the Host doesn’t know about this, but there is a way for us to contact Hell, and in turn, for Hell to contact us. It is not done often, but it has come to pass now.”
Castiel frowned. He’d remained in human form since he’d returned, since leaving this vessel would mean he’d have to find a new one.
“How?” he asked.
“I don’t know,” Kabshiel said. “We never asked how. Michael knew, but he never told us how, or even why.”
Castiel scowled. “Unsurprising. Is there a specific place where we contact them?” he asked.
“Yes.”
“Take me there. I’ll deal with whatever demon is contacting us.”
“Yes, sir.”
Castiel wasn’t surprised when Kabshiel led him deeper into the main complex, where most angels never went.
“I’ll handle this alone,” Castiel said just outside the room.
“He’s in human form,” Kabshiel said. “And angry.”
“Did the demon give his name?”
“No,” Kabshiel said. “He just threatened me and told me to get you.”
“Me, personally?”
“He asked for whoever was in charge after Michael fell into the Pit.”
Castiel nodded. “Very well,” he said.
He entered the room and shut the door behind him before facing the projection from Hell.
“Castiel?” the form asked, shocked.
“Lucifer,” Castiel growled.
“What? No, Cas, it’s me. Sam!”
For a moment, Castiel allowed himself to hope, before cursing himself for a fool. It really couldn’t be Sam.
“Don’t try to fool me, Lucifer.”
“Cas, listen. The cage can only hold angelic forms. It can’t hold souls or bodies. I fell right through, but Lucifer was trapped. Cas, I promise, it’s me, Sam.” The being in Sam’s form smiled. “I thought you were dead, Cas. And now you’re in charge up there?”
“I am an archangel,” Castiel said. He wasn’t convinced that this was Sam, not yet, but he could treat him with courtesy.
“Good, that will make this easier,” Sam/Lucifer said. He snorted. “Imagine my surprise when I found out there was a way to communicate between Heaven and Hell. Of course, as soon as I found out about it, I knew I needed to use it.”
Castiel settled back. “Why are you using it?” he asked.
The being in Sam’s form smiled, showing his dimples. “I had planned on threatening whoever had taken control of Heaven. I wanted to make sure they knew that Dean is off limits.”
Castiel leaned forward. “What?”
The being’s smile deepened. “I wanted to make sure that Dean is not harassed by angels. I don’t think I need to worry about that anymore. You won’t let it happen, Cas.”
Castiel smiled. There was no way that Lucifer would ever care what happened to Dean beyond his death. “Sam,” he said.
Sam just glanced to the side. “Of course,” he said. “What about you, Cas? I thought he… I thought you were dead.”
Castiel shrugged imperceptibly. “Someone brought me back again. This time, I was an archangel. I can only assume it was my Father.”
“And no sign of him, right?” Sam asked.
Castiel sighed. “No.”
“I’m not surprised,” Sam said wryly. “But Dean? He’s alright, I know, at least physically. I’ve gotten word to him that I’m alright, but I really don’t know how he’s doing.”
Castiel looked up. “I haven’t had a chance to visit him since I returned to Heaven- I’m suddenly the leader of chaos…” he had to stop as Sam started laughing. “This is no laughing matter, Sam!”
Sam snorted. “Yes it is!” he said. “The way you said that, Cas…”
“We were discussing your brother,” Castiel interrupted.
Sam chuckled again and took a deep breath. “Right. You haven’t seen him in… what, two, three weeks earth time?”
“I did manage to call him,” Castiel said. “There are advantages to being an archangel, my cell phone is still working.”
Sam snorted. “Well, that’s good,” he said. “But is he alright?”
Castiel sighed. “I don’t know,” he admitted. “He says he is.”
Sam snorted. “Well, it’s… June on Earth, right?”
“I think so,” Castiel said. “You would know the months better then I would.”
“Time runs differently down here,” Sam reminded the angel. “I’m estimating. It’s either the end of May or the beginning of June.”
“I see,” Castiel said. “How did you end up highly placed in Hell?”
“Highly placed” Sam snorted. “Cas, somehow, I’m the ruler of Hell. And I’m not sure, honestly. Dumb luck, mostly.”
“Something Winchesters have in abundance,” Castiel said.
Sam chuckled. “Yes, we do,” he said. “As well as bad luck.”
“Yes,” Castiel said. “Though a good bit of your bad luck was engineered by both sides.”
“Don’t I know it,” Sam said. He looked straight at the angel. “Cas? You’re ok, right?”
“I’m fine, Sam,” Castiel assured him. “It’s been very… interesting, but I’m fine.”
Sam laughed. “That’s one way to put it,” he said. He sighed and looked away. “Well, this isn’t going at all the way I planned. But since it’s you, I have a question. Is Bobby up there? I can’t find him down here, so I have to hope he made it up there.”
Castiel inhaled sharply. “Sam, Bobby’s alive,” he said.
Sam’s jaw dropped. “But I… Lucifer, I remember, he broke Bobby’s neck.”
Castiel nodded. “And I healed him as soon as I could,” he said. “Just after I was brought back.”
Sam smiled brilliantly. “Good,” he said.
Neither of them said anything for a long time.
“So… now what do we do?” Sam asked. “I mean, I think I have things relatively under control down here, and Lucifer and Michael aren’t getting out anytime soon. But I’m…” he trailed off.
Castiel nodded. “You’re in Hell,” he said simply.
“Pretty much,” Sam said. “And you’re the archangel in charge of Heaven. And Dean’s on Earth.”
“I don’t see why that’s a problem,” Castiel said. “You are still a good man, Sam, and unless you want to try to take over Heaven or Earth, there’s nothing wrong.”
Sam laughed. “Please, I can barely keep the demons under control as it is.”
Castiel nodded. “There you go,” he said. “Beside, I suspect my Father has planned this,” he said. “I don’t know why or how, but it’s his design that has us in charge of so much.”
Sam snorted. “You still have faith in him, huh?” he asked.
“He brought me back,” Castiel said. “And you are not being tortured right now, for some reason. So, I have to hope that it’s His plan.”
Sam sighed. “If you say so,” he said. “Anyway, I’m planning to get out of here for an afternoon fairly soon. Meg managed to get Dean’s schedule and he has Saturdays off. I’m planning on… um… kidnapping him and taking him for a day off, probably starting with lunch at this diner that we both loved when we were kids.”
Castiel snorted. “He’ll like that… after he yells at you for several minutes.”
“Very likely,” Sam said. “Do you want to come along, if you can?”
Castiel grinned. “I’d like that very much,” he said.