Choices
Title: Choices
Pairing: Doumeki/Watanuki (Characters by CLAMP)
Warnings: None
Notes: This is a depressing one. I think this fic shows where my heart lies in the Doumeki - Watanuki - Kunogi thing.
“We’re having lunch. The three of us.” Kunogi smiled and agreed to his word, then left the shop. If Doumeki had wanted to follow, he couldn’t. Sitting outside this door, staying here, conscious, was using up his energy. He could have gone into the room. There was enough in him for that. But it was Kunogi who’d gone in, Kunogi who had received Watanuki’s smile and attention. If Doumeki went in, he’d get told off, or he’d get a sombre thank you. He didn’t care to receive either at the moment. He was far too angry, far too exhausted.
The sight of Watanuki, bloody and broken, was still too fresh in his mind. Each time he closed his eyes and saw it again, the intense fear and pain washed over him again. He had to focus on the floor beneath him, the wall against his back, to remember the crisis had passed.
When Kunogi had come out of that room, he’d wanted to shout. He’d wanted to shake her. He couldn’t do it, however. All he could do was let her have a glimpse of his feelings. He had no right to tell her to stay away from Watanuki, to scare her off. But he had to do something. If she kept seeing Watanuki without Doumeki around, this would happen again. And again and again, until he was gone. Until he disappeared.
Doumeki sagged against the wall. They were tied together, the three of them. All Doumeki could do was to ensure that it was the three of them, as often as possible. He could not deny Kunogi human contact, he could not deny Watanuki Kunogi. He could not stop things from happening to Watanuki, he could only help Watanuki to survive those things.
When he was with Kunogi and Watanuki, he got Kunogi’s smiles and her companionship. He got Watanuki’s outbursts and dark looks. They didn’t balance each other out.
It wouldn’t stop him. No matter how Watanuki yelled, no matter how he stomped away angrily, Doumeki would take it. He would be at his side. No matter how reluctantly Watanuki asked for something, Doumeki would say yes. When he fell, Doumeki would catch him. When Watanuki needed shelter, he’d take him in. This was his life.
He hadn’t asked for this. In fact, if he’d had the chance, he would have liked to refuse. He was no prophet, but he could see his future, blood-soaked and dark, stretching out before him, waiting with sharp claws. He could sense Watanuki’s importance, knew that he must be protected, but for what, no one would tell him. He was simply expected to bleed, to fight, to love, and never ask why.
And that was the worst. He wouldn’t ask. It wasn’t important. The answer wouldn’t change a thing. He’d found his place in life, the one place where he fit perfectly, where he was needed, and where if he wasn’t, he could never rest. He hated it all but it was Hitsuzen, it was perfectly right even though everything they did was wrong. What they went through, the burdens they bore.
He’d once told Watanuki that what he’d done was simply what he’d chosen to do…but he didn’t know if that was true. Not at all.
Pairing: Doumeki/Watanuki (Characters by CLAMP)
Warnings: None
Notes: This is a depressing one. I think this fic shows where my heart lies in the Doumeki - Watanuki - Kunogi thing.
“We’re having lunch. The three of us.” Kunogi smiled and agreed to his word, then left the shop. If Doumeki had wanted to follow, he couldn’t. Sitting outside this door, staying here, conscious, was using up his energy. He could have gone into the room. There was enough in him for that. But it was Kunogi who’d gone in, Kunogi who had received Watanuki’s smile and attention. If Doumeki went in, he’d get told off, or he’d get a sombre thank you. He didn’t care to receive either at the moment. He was far too angry, far too exhausted.
The sight of Watanuki, bloody and broken, was still too fresh in his mind. Each time he closed his eyes and saw it again, the intense fear and pain washed over him again. He had to focus on the floor beneath him, the wall against his back, to remember the crisis had passed.
When Kunogi had come out of that room, he’d wanted to shout. He’d wanted to shake her. He couldn’t do it, however. All he could do was let her have a glimpse of his feelings. He had no right to tell her to stay away from Watanuki, to scare her off. But he had to do something. If she kept seeing Watanuki without Doumeki around, this would happen again. And again and again, until he was gone. Until he disappeared.
Doumeki sagged against the wall. They were tied together, the three of them. All Doumeki could do was to ensure that it was the three of them, as often as possible. He could not deny Kunogi human contact, he could not deny Watanuki Kunogi. He could not stop things from happening to Watanuki, he could only help Watanuki to survive those things.
When he was with Kunogi and Watanuki, he got Kunogi’s smiles and her companionship. He got Watanuki’s outbursts and dark looks. They didn’t balance each other out.
It wouldn’t stop him. No matter how Watanuki yelled, no matter how he stomped away angrily, Doumeki would take it. He would be at his side. No matter how reluctantly Watanuki asked for something, Doumeki would say yes. When he fell, Doumeki would catch him. When Watanuki needed shelter, he’d take him in. This was his life.
He hadn’t asked for this. In fact, if he’d had the chance, he would have liked to refuse. He was no prophet, but he could see his future, blood-soaked and dark, stretching out before him, waiting with sharp claws. He could sense Watanuki’s importance, knew that he must be protected, but for what, no one would tell him. He was simply expected to bleed, to fight, to love, and never ask why.
And that was the worst. He wouldn’t ask. It wasn’t important. The answer wouldn’t change a thing. He’d found his place in life, the one place where he fit perfectly, where he was needed, and where if he wasn’t, he could never rest. He hated it all but it was Hitsuzen, it was perfectly right even though everything they did was wrong. What they went through, the burdens they bore.
He’d once told Watanuki that what he’d done was simply what he’d chosen to do…but he didn’t know if that was true. Not at all.