Shameless Naruto Fic
Title: Nine to Five
Fandom: Naruto
Pairings: Neji/Naruto, Neji/The whole of Konoha, Yoshino Nara/Shikaku Nara/Other folks
Warnings: PURE CRACK. It does not get Crackier than this.
Wordcount: 1105
Note: Written for Kallie-Starmist for the Softer World Prompt Meme
Summary:
Neji was late to work.
Admittedly he was only about three minutes past the time when Yoshino usually expected her third coffee of the day to be delivered directly to her desk. But that bitch Neji had slept with last night (Nanato? Minato? Narusho?) had drooled all over his hair and he'd had to spend an extra half and hour in the shower getting it clean and the asshole didn't even have conditioner. And then Neji had had to race all the way back to his apartment in order to get into his uniform, which was frankly difficult to get into even though it really didn't consist of much fabric.
Mostly, Neji figured, it was that the fabric was latex and he had to lube himself up to get the damn stuff on.
Anyway, Neji arrived to work three minutes late and it was a miracle that it was only three minutes. He looked beautiful, as always, his hair silky and long and loose, his pectoral muscles glistening slightly from the lube that he always managed to accidentally spill across them in the attempt to slide into the tight latex shorts.
He also wore a tie. You had to be professional after all.
Neji realized that Yoshino would most likely be pissed as hell because she expected certain things and it was, after all, his job to provide those things in a timely fashion. Neji had already played the lecture in his mind at least twice by the time he arrived at the office, letting himself in with his key and dropping his bag by his desk.
The light in Yoshino's office was already on, and Neji suppressed a wince of expectation. He was too pretty for this. He could be tending office for every pervert in Konoha, but he was stuck with the obsessive bitch with the caffeine addiction.
Although, he admitted to himself as he turned the Mr. Coffee on and opened the blinds, the job had it's perks. Health insurance, a salary, he got to meet and sleep with an awful lot of nice people, free use of the dungeon after hours, and occasional play-dates with his bosses. It could be worse.
It also, Neji realized as Yoshino began shouting through her closed office door, could be a lot better at this particular moment.
Neji poured the half-brewed pot of coffee into a mug and quickly sloshed in some milk and sugar (at this time of day Yoshino wouldn't be able to tell what was in the coffee) and sauntered into the back office, trying to play up his attributes as much as possible.
Yoshino looked up from the reservations book with a scowl, but said nothing as she snatch the cup and drained it faster than blood drains from a client's face.
“You're late.”
“I hit traffic.” Neji couldn't help the reply, although he did manage to keep himself from making eye contact. Yoshino was a lot like a raging baboon when it came to eye contact.
She stood, straightening her sharp pinstripe business suite and tapping her neatly manicured fingernails on the desk.
“I'll deal with you later.” She told him before picking the book up and slamming it into his chest, “Jiraiya needs to reschedule for Tuesday, Inoichi's wife called and said that she's having a dinner party so he needs to be rescheduled too. There's a new client coming in about...” She checked her watch, “Five minutes.”
There was a sound of a car door slamming and muffled cries as something heavy was carried in through the back door and down to the dungeon.
“Make that three.” Yoshino corrected, “I want you to warm him up a little. Also the babysitter canceled for Friday so I need you to watch Shikamaru.”
Neji rolled his eyes, taking the book and flipping through the schedule with practiced ease, “Shikamaru is my age. He can watch himself.”
“He'll need entertainment then.” Yoshino snapped, “Either way if he knocks his girlfriend up I'm blaming you.”
Yoshino slammed back into her chair with the force of an angry sleep deprived dominatrix (which she was) and Neji slipped out of the office just as the front phone began to ring.
“Good morning, you've reached Nara and Nara: Professional Punishment, Abductions, and Fantasy Fulfillment. May I help you?”
He logged into his email as he spoke. Spam, spam, email from his uncle, spam, porn spam, sex toy sale!
“I'm sorry?” He asked at the questioning silence on the other end of the line.
“I... uh...”
“If you'd like to schedule an entrance counseling appointment we'd be happy to answer all of your questions and work out what sort of experience is best for you. What was you're name?”
“It's... Naruto?”
Something clicked in Neji's brain, “Are you, roughly nine inches long, pretty wide, stamina like...”
“Neji?!”
“Oh it is you. I think I left my phone in your living room.”
“Fuck.” The hot blond drooler that Neji had fucked last night said, “This is awkward.”
“Not really, happens all the time.” Neji twirled the chord of the phone around his finger, idly flipping through the reservations book. “I'm going to help you out here and tell you what to ask about when you do your entrance counseling on... Didn't you say you were free Thursday?”
“Yeah...”
“Is two-oh-clock alright?”
“That's fine but-”
“Great!” Neji quickly penciled in 'Naruto, *hung like horse*' in the 2:00 slot, “Now when you come in you'll be talking to Ino or possibly Yoshino. Tell her your interested in booking two tops-- you're bi right?”
“Yes...”
“I thought so. You'll be wanting Yoshino and Shikaku, they're a little bit more intense than our other team but they're also the proprietors an I think you'll really enjoy their style.” Neji continued, doodling lightly in the corner of the book, “Tell them you want a surprise abduction and heavy corporal but that they should go light on the humiliation. I bet you'd like wax...”
Neji wrote 'wax' in the spot below Naruto's name, just to remember.
“Thanks.” Naruto's voice said, “...I think. How did you guess all that stuff?”
“I...” Neji informed him, “...am very good at my job Mr. Big.”
“What did you call me--”
“And you're all set! See you on Thursday!” With that Neji cheerfully hung up the phone. He spent a few moments straightening out his desk and making sure the waiting room was all set before reaching into his desk drawer for the flogger and his favorite paddle.
He could already hear the muffled sounds of the 10:00 client as he headed towards the basement.
Neji loved his job.
Fandom: Naruto
Pairings: Neji/Naruto, Neji/The whole of Konoha, Yoshino Nara/Shikaku Nara/Other folks
Warnings: PURE CRACK. It does not get Crackier than this.
Wordcount: 1105
Note: Written for Kallie-Starmist for the Softer World Prompt Meme
Summary:
Neji was late to work.
Admittedly he was only about three minutes past the time when Yoshino usually expected her third coffee of the day to be delivered directly to her desk. But that bitch Neji had slept with last night (Nanato? Minato? Narusho?) had drooled all over his hair and he'd had to spend an extra half and hour in the shower getting it clean and the asshole didn't even have conditioner. And then Neji had had to race all the way back to his apartment in order to get into his uniform, which was frankly difficult to get into even though it really didn't consist of much fabric.
Mostly, Neji figured, it was that the fabric was latex and he had to lube himself up to get the damn stuff on.
Anyway, Neji arrived to work three minutes late and it was a miracle that it was only three minutes. He looked beautiful, as always, his hair silky and long and loose, his pectoral muscles glistening slightly from the lube that he always managed to accidentally spill across them in the attempt to slide into the tight latex shorts.
He also wore a tie. You had to be professional after all.
Neji realized that Yoshino would most likely be pissed as hell because she expected certain things and it was, after all, his job to provide those things in a timely fashion. Neji had already played the lecture in his mind at least twice by the time he arrived at the office, letting himself in with his key and dropping his bag by his desk.
The light in Yoshino's office was already on, and Neji suppressed a wince of expectation. He was too pretty for this. He could be tending office for every pervert in Konoha, but he was stuck with the obsessive bitch with the caffeine addiction.
Although, he admitted to himself as he turned the Mr. Coffee on and opened the blinds, the job had it's perks. Health insurance, a salary, he got to meet and sleep with an awful lot of nice people, free use of the dungeon after hours, and occasional play-dates with his bosses. It could be worse.
It also, Neji realized as Yoshino began shouting through her closed office door, could be a lot better at this particular moment.
Neji poured the half-brewed pot of coffee into a mug and quickly sloshed in some milk and sugar (at this time of day Yoshino wouldn't be able to tell what was in the coffee) and sauntered into the back office, trying to play up his attributes as much as possible.
Yoshino looked up from the reservations book with a scowl, but said nothing as she snatch the cup and drained it faster than blood drains from a client's face.
“You're late.”
“I hit traffic.” Neji couldn't help the reply, although he did manage to keep himself from making eye contact. Yoshino was a lot like a raging baboon when it came to eye contact.
She stood, straightening her sharp pinstripe business suite and tapping her neatly manicured fingernails on the desk.
“I'll deal with you later.” She told him before picking the book up and slamming it into his chest, “Jiraiya needs to reschedule for Tuesday, Inoichi's wife called and said that she's having a dinner party so he needs to be rescheduled too. There's a new client coming in about...” She checked her watch, “Five minutes.”
There was a sound of a car door slamming and muffled cries as something heavy was carried in through the back door and down to the dungeon.
“Make that three.” Yoshino corrected, “I want you to warm him up a little. Also the babysitter canceled for Friday so I need you to watch Shikamaru.”
Neji rolled his eyes, taking the book and flipping through the schedule with practiced ease, “Shikamaru is my age. He can watch himself.”
“He'll need entertainment then.” Yoshino snapped, “Either way if he knocks his girlfriend up I'm blaming you.”
Yoshino slammed back into her chair with the force of an angry sleep deprived dominatrix (which she was) and Neji slipped out of the office just as the front phone began to ring.
“Good morning, you've reached Nara and Nara: Professional Punishment, Abductions, and Fantasy Fulfillment. May I help you?”
He logged into his email as he spoke. Spam, spam, email from his uncle, spam, porn spam, sex toy sale!
“I'm sorry?” He asked at the questioning silence on the other end of the line.
“I... uh...”
“If you'd like to schedule an entrance counseling appointment we'd be happy to answer all of your questions and work out what sort of experience is best for you. What was you're name?”
“It's... Naruto?”
Something clicked in Neji's brain, “Are you, roughly nine inches long, pretty wide, stamina like...”
“Neji?!”
“Oh it is you. I think I left my phone in your living room.”
“Fuck.” The hot blond drooler that Neji had fucked last night said, “This is awkward.”
“Not really, happens all the time.” Neji twirled the chord of the phone around his finger, idly flipping through the reservations book. “I'm going to help you out here and tell you what to ask about when you do your entrance counseling on... Didn't you say you were free Thursday?”
“Yeah...”
“Is two-oh-clock alright?”
“That's fine but-”
“Great!” Neji quickly penciled in 'Naruto, *hung like horse*' in the 2:00 slot, “Now when you come in you'll be talking to Ino or possibly Yoshino. Tell her your interested in booking two tops-- you're bi right?”
“Yes...”
“I thought so. You'll be wanting Yoshino and Shikaku, they're a little bit more intense than our other team but they're also the proprietors an I think you'll really enjoy their style.” Neji continued, doodling lightly in the corner of the book, “Tell them you want a surprise abduction and heavy corporal but that they should go light on the humiliation. I bet you'd like wax...”
Neji wrote 'wax' in the spot below Naruto's name, just to remember.
“Thanks.” Naruto's voice said, “...I think. How did you guess all that stuff?”
“I...” Neji informed him, “...am very good at my job Mr. Big.”
“What did you call me--”
“And you're all set! See you on Thursday!” With that Neji cheerfully hung up the phone. He spent a few moments straightening out his desk and making sure the waiting room was all set before reaching into his desk drawer for the flogger and his favorite paddle.
He could already hear the muffled sounds of the 10:00 client as he headed towards the basement.
Neji loved his job.