LJ Idol, Season Eight, Week 4, What Does Narcissism Have to Do With Me,
I Hate My Narcissistic self
“It is universally known, and we take it as a matter of course, that a person who is tormented by organic pain and discomfort gives up his interest in the things of the external world, in so far as they do not concern his suffering. Closer observation teaches us that he also withdraws libidinal interest from his love-objects: so long as he suffers, he ceases to love.”
Sigmund Freud from On Narcissism written in 1914.
In the depths of my pain I can understand what Freud has to say. I have been diagnosed with trigeminal neuralgia, a painful neurologic condition of the face, that has been described by some medical professionals as the most painful condition known to man. On top of that, I have further nerve damage from a botched brain surgery known as anesthesia dolorosa. There is no cure. Doctors won’t touch me anymore. They feed me narcotics, muscle relaxants and anti convulsents and hope that something will relieve the pain enough so I can function. I now have the pain on both sides of my face which is rare. I hate to be all gloom and doom though, because the good thing is that it’s not a death sentence. I will live despite the pain, even though in ancient times trigeminal neuralgia was dubbed the suicide disease. Without modern medicine people killed themselves as a treatment, actually some still do.
When you’re in pain, it is sometimes all you can think about. My pain grabs me and pulls me under, like a monster in a lake. I drown in waves of shocking, lightening like pain that comes again and again. Over and over I try to breathe only to have my efforts stopped by another wave of pain. There are no relaxing deep breaths to be taken here. My body curls in on itself, a defense against the outside world. I am irritable. I snap at anything, small children, my beloved dog, and the friends and family around me who I love. I feel as though I have nothing to give, no warmth to pass on to others. I want to die, to break free from the monster that clutches me under the waters of pain’s enormous lake. I feel as though I will not survive.
Everything has become about me. I am all that matters. My pain. The only pain. It is the only thing in the world. Nothing else exists, no other suffering, no other pain.
I hate this. I hate this about myself. This dark place grabs me too hard, so that I forget who I am. I know not what to do. I am born away from my own self. My mind has no reality except for pain.
Through this I am meant to survive. I am supposed to work, to laugh, and as Freud points out to love. I feel as though I cannot do any of it, and sometimes I don’t. I wrap myself in a blanket of failure and lie down with the pain, allowing my spirit to sleep the slumber of defeat.
Sometimes though, I fight with every cell of my being. I scramble my way out of the monster’s clutches. I make uneven and halting strokes to the surface of the lake of pain. I emerge, my head bobbing at the surface. There I tread water, trying to stay afloat. Pain engulfs me, but I fight it. I fight hard. Sometimes I can reach out to others and offer them kindnesses, even despite the pain I feel. Sometimes I toil, smile through my tormented eyes, and even laugh. Treading water is exhausting work, and sometimes I am pulled under again. Still, I do not think Freud is entirely right. I believe there can be love, even through pain. I think that the narcissism pain can cause can be pushed away, if only for a moment, and in that moment the sufferer of pain is strong and a part of the world again.
In the times of no pain, I think the moments when one has suffered most can bring about compassion for others. I think the experience of being tortured and going through agony can also harden a person. It all depends on what one chooses to do with one’s existence on this earth. Freud doesn’t seem to leave room for personal differences.
Most of all I have to say I hate my narcissistic self, the one that gets wrapped up in physical suffering and can’t escape. I hate the person I become in those hours, yet that being, is a part of me, just as much as any. In life I believe we should learn to love our dark sides as fully as we love our favorable sides. I shall work on this, embracing myself in those moments of narcissism, and remembering to love myself as much as I strive to love others at those times.
“It is universally known, and we take it as a matter of course, that a person who is tormented by organic pain and discomfort gives up his interest in the things of the external world, in so far as they do not concern his suffering. Closer observation teaches us that he also withdraws libidinal interest from his love-objects: so long as he suffers, he ceases to love.”
Sigmund Freud from On Narcissism written in 1914.
In the depths of my pain I can understand what Freud has to say. I have been diagnosed with trigeminal neuralgia, a painful neurologic condition of the face, that has been described by some medical professionals as the most painful condition known to man. On top of that, I have further nerve damage from a botched brain surgery known as anesthesia dolorosa. There is no cure. Doctors won’t touch me anymore. They feed me narcotics, muscle relaxants and anti convulsents and hope that something will relieve the pain enough so I can function. I now have the pain on both sides of my face which is rare. I hate to be all gloom and doom though, because the good thing is that it’s not a death sentence. I will live despite the pain, even though in ancient times trigeminal neuralgia was dubbed the suicide disease. Without modern medicine people killed themselves as a treatment, actually some still do.
When you’re in pain, it is sometimes all you can think about. My pain grabs me and pulls me under, like a monster in a lake. I drown in waves of shocking, lightening like pain that comes again and again. Over and over I try to breathe only to have my efforts stopped by another wave of pain. There are no relaxing deep breaths to be taken here. My body curls in on itself, a defense against the outside world. I am irritable. I snap at anything, small children, my beloved dog, and the friends and family around me who I love. I feel as though I have nothing to give, no warmth to pass on to others. I want to die, to break free from the monster that clutches me under the waters of pain’s enormous lake. I feel as though I will not survive.
Everything has become about me. I am all that matters. My pain. The only pain. It is the only thing in the world. Nothing else exists, no other suffering, no other pain.
I hate this. I hate this about myself. This dark place grabs me too hard, so that I forget who I am. I know not what to do. I am born away from my own self. My mind has no reality except for pain.
Through this I am meant to survive. I am supposed to work, to laugh, and as Freud points out to love. I feel as though I cannot do any of it, and sometimes I don’t. I wrap myself in a blanket of failure and lie down with the pain, allowing my spirit to sleep the slumber of defeat.
Sometimes though, I fight with every cell of my being. I scramble my way out of the monster’s clutches. I make uneven and halting strokes to the surface of the lake of pain. I emerge, my head bobbing at the surface. There I tread water, trying to stay afloat. Pain engulfs me, but I fight it. I fight hard. Sometimes I can reach out to others and offer them kindnesses, even despite the pain I feel. Sometimes I toil, smile through my tormented eyes, and even laugh. Treading water is exhausting work, and sometimes I am pulled under again. Still, I do not think Freud is entirely right. I believe there can be love, even through pain. I think that the narcissism pain can cause can be pushed away, if only for a moment, and in that moment the sufferer of pain is strong and a part of the world again.
In the times of no pain, I think the moments when one has suffered most can bring about compassion for others. I think the experience of being tortured and going through agony can also harden a person. It all depends on what one chooses to do with one’s existence on this earth. Freud doesn’t seem to leave room for personal differences.
Most of all I have to say I hate my narcissistic self, the one that gets wrapped up in physical suffering and can’t escape. I hate the person I become in those hours, yet that being, is a part of me, just as much as any. In life I believe we should learn to love our dark sides as fully as we love our favorable sides. I shall work on this, embracing myself in those moments of narcissism, and remembering to love myself as much as I strive to love others at those times.