Poetry attempts

[ilaifire]

I'm currently in a poetry writing class right now and I wanted help editing a poem. Since this is a writing workshop all of these are supposed to be peer reviewed and we're supposed to edit them based on that. Based on what I am writing about and how I am trying to write it I'd prefer SCAdians' opinions. This is the assignment that was due today.

Comments

[eithni]

Bright it's bearers through bygone ages
Bright its...

No better blade has blacksmith ever wrought
has -> hath?

It's gleaming edge cuts iron as if wood
cutting wood with a sword sucks too. As if silk? some other smooth substance? It would change your rhyme scheme, though, if you were trying to echo it off stood.

As flames from the hilt the blade issues forth
As a flame from the hilt, the blade issues forth

Bright shines the brand the wielder's foes blinding
Bright shines the brand, the wielder's foes blinding,

Long stone sheathed the sword now has stood
Long stone-sheathed the sword now has stood

And many a man his might has tried
has -> hath again?

A prophecy proclaimed that he who pulled
he who drew (drew playing off of quill and of the action)

The theng's quill should then become
thegn?

[ilaifire]

Ah! the breaks in the middle of each line got lost! I was trying for an Anglo-Saxon (yeah, I know, funny choice given the subject) style alliterative verse. The lines are supposed to consist of two half lines, first half line is supposed to have two stressed alliterating syllables and the second half line is supposed to have one or two alliterating stressed syllables (if only one alliterates there should still be two stressed syllables). When I was looking/asking how to do this it was suggested (Viking Answer Lady, and one of the people who taught a class at Pennsic) that the more important thing to focus on at first is getting the alliteration and not worrying too much about the meter because that was more difficult

[eithni]

Ah! The loss of the half line breaks make it make more sense.

Re: Thegn - yes, I know, but that was not the way you had it spelled in the above line.