Who I am

[ihaveasoul]

I found this on the magicbox..



I murder them? Father…Mother? ….My sweet little Brianna?Is this the man… the monster I become? Because if that’s who I really am, I don’t want to have my memories back…. I don’t want to become someone who would murder someone as innocent and harmless as my little sister

Comments

[ialwayshadasoul]

You did become a monster, one of the worst kinds - I won't lie to you. However, you've spent the past century or so trying to make up for it, protecting people from the sort of vampires who would use them as killing prey, as well as from the demons that are, unlike Lorne, evil.

So yeah, you did become a monster - but when you were cursed by Gypsies for having killed one of them, you got your soul back, and have tried to do good by it since.

I can't believe I just said all that to you. I should let you wallow in the evil you don't remember doing, feel all that guilt, and then put you out of your misery.

[ihaveasoul]

I don't understand how that could change me...a curse? So I'll be a good man because of a curse? ...Is that all I am? A curse upon a monster?

...It seems I'd deserve it. ...Do I...should I know you?

[ialwayshadasoul]

Right, no memory means you don't get it. The Curse the Gypsies put on you, was to put your soul back in, that way you'd regret all the carnage you'd perpetuated over the centuries. Recently you went through something called "Trials", which put your soul back in for good, so it's less a curse now. The way it was before, one moment of pure happiness would turn you back into the monster.

Yeah, you do deserve it - but I was raised to hate you. I'm learning, too.

...I'm your son. Connor.

[ihaveasoul]

Oh. So I have a soul. And that destroys the monster?

They told me I had a son. ...You were raised to hate me? Was...am I that bad of a father?

[ialwayshadasoul]

It keeps it in check, doesn't let it get out. Kind of like keeping it locked away. I have to admit, you have a very strong soul. The monster in you lived inside me a while, and I didn't fight it well at all.

I was raised by someone else. Someone whose family was destroyed by the monster.

[ihaveasoul]

I'm a cage for a monster, then. ....It got into you?

...Oh...I'm sorry

[ialwayshadasoul]

How much do you know about Vampires?

[ihaveasoul]

Blood drinking demons who cannot enter a home uninvited. Wait...how did I get home? To kill them? Father wouldn't have invited me in, he knew of these things.

[ialwayshadasoul]

Your sister let you in. She thought you were an Angel, considering your family buried you that afternoon

[ihaveasoul]

...Brianna let me in? And then I.... oh god, I hope it was quick.

Oh....I think I understand. ....But it's still my face, ins't it? Even if it looks different.

I...I'm sorry. It seems all I've brought you is grief.

I'm not a killer.....or at least I thought I wasn't.

[ialwayshadasoul]

It was.

Well, there's your face. Your face with the demon behind it. and the demon's face. Three faces, the third only seen in alternate dimensions.

I grew up in Hell - by comparison, not as much as I blame you for. I'm more pissed off about the memory wiping than the other stuff.

Liam isn't a killer. Angel isn't much of one. Angelus, the demon, is a killer.

[ihaveasoul]

Three faces?....There's more to this vampire condition than I knew..

Memory wiping? Is this what happened to me?

Three voices in my head? How have I not gone mad?

[ialwayshadasoul]

Only two in an earth dimension.

Perhaps.

God only knows.

[ihaveasoul]

Right..I think I see.

Nice to know what a mess I made of my life.

[ialwayshadasoul]

If you want to be made feel better, it won't be by me. Remember, I don't like you.

[ihaveasoul]

I don't.

Great. I turned out just like my own father. I was hoping to avoid that.