'The Infamous Hamburg Toilet Seat Story' (Remus/Sirius, John/Paul, R)
Belated birthday present for lykaios, who is witty, talented, and legal. Unfortunately, neither she nor I can drink yet but oh ho ho, who needs drinking when I have written cracktastic AU? NOBODY I SAY! Hope you like the crack factor dearie.
The Infamous Hamburg Toilet Seat Story*
by ignited
Remus/Sirius, John/Paul. AU. Rated R. Cracktastic. Set during the Beatles Hamburg era. Boys on vacation.
* There's no actual toilet seat but after stumbling upon this while searching for a title, thought it represents the whole crazy atmosphere of that era. Extra points to those who know about said story. ;)
Hamburg is a different animal than they’re used to - it’s full of Muggles, full of sex and debauchery - and the difference is, they aren’t readily embracing it, dressing it up and calling upon it whenever they need a story to tell. The boys are lost -- which is entirely Sirius’s fault on various levels -- hungry, thirsty, they’re a regular bunch of destitute vagabonds and no amount of Sirius holding out a ratty old cap and asking for more will help rectify this situation.
(“Destitute vagabonds? Isn’t that sort of an oxymoron?”
“Can’t begin to think of adequate descriptions when your stomach’s growling so loudly, Moony.”
“It is not!”)
Somehow, one of them ends up in bed with a Beatle, and that, my dear, is not such a good thing when the other one happens to walk in on them.
It’s all very confusing, you see.
-
John drinks too much, swears too much - it’s all too much, little George Harrison says, looks thoughtful, as though filing it away - does it all on overload, foaming at the mouth, livewire, live on stage. Strange thing is, even when it’s obvious he’s on uppers and a cocktail of pills and drink - as well as screwing the pretty left handed guitarist (“How can you tell?” “Looks like a shirt lifter, I don’t know, he is, in his eyes, all that, and quiet down, Remus.”) - it seems as though it comes all natural to John, the ferocity, like flipping a switch.
“Fellow countrymen,” John says on greeting, then proceeds to take a swig of beer before passing out stone cold. Sirius remarks that it’s one of the best greetings he’s ever seen; Remus wonders out loud if it can be put in that category given that for the most part, he snored throughout.
Sirius prods John with his boot. “Tough call. Up to the jury for that one.”
-
George stands guard at the door to the room they all share, guard being the polite term for the scared virgin who’d rather not sleep on the floor as the others have a go with girls in the space available. Since the room is four sizes too small, and there’s no room or quiet thought to oneself when John screams the way he does, George does his duty and stands guard.
Paul staggers out of the room at three in the morning, hair this way and that. He pulls up the edge of his boxers, pokes George (who’s unfortunately fallen asleep on an old tattered couch in the hallway) and heads to the bathroom. Two minutes later, Remus comes out of the room muttering about needing to fold his clothes and alphabetize his socks, or some such, it isn’t quite audible.
-
The sun is terrible, they decide. They also decide that they might've become vampires through osmosis (hopefully osmosis, ‘cause those other diseases are a right pain, Paul notes) or just overnight. They ask for coffee, black, at the café, Remus being the only exception. He wants tea. The waitress gives him tepid water and a bag of what suspiciously resembles an illegal substance more than Earl Grey.
At some point during the conversation, Sirius mentions his idea of becoming a spy when they're done with school, but Remus chalks it up to insanity and a week old sandwich Sirius insisted on eating the day before. The former is more likely as Sirius leans his head on Remus’s shoulder after he gives this declaration, and then proceeds to drool on his neck. It’s very touching.
Or at least a bleary-eyed John says it is, “you bunch of poofters, aren’t you?” and Remus turns very red and begins to prepare his illegal tea.
-
Throughout all this, it must be noted that one Pete Best deals with an irate old classmate in town for the weekend regarding a matter between them and what was thought to be Eva, the prettiest whore in St. Pauli, but is actually Edward, who moonlights as the prettiest whore on weekends.
There is also an incident involving James Potter, Peter Pettigrew, firewhiskey, and a toilet seat, but that’s alleged, thank you, and not up for discussion.
Ever.
-
It is no surprise to anyone at all that Remus and Stuart Sutcliffe get along famously. It’s also ridiculously convenient, but let’s focus on the fact that it’s a great relief to Stuart that poetry can be shared with others and isn’t just for “those Existentialists and shirt lifters, you nancy”.
After the third time they both laugh over Walt Whitman’s wit (and Sirius doesn’t go cross-eyed while reviewing this sentence in his head), Sirius nudges Remus and winks exaggeratedly. He also thinks about saying that Stuart has a nice bum, pretty obvious isn’t it with those trousers except he’s said it aloud, hasn’t he, ‘cause Remus doesn’t often look murderous-
-
It should also be noted that Paul and Pete weren’t really lighting up condoms for illumination or a boyish prank. Mind you, that was after the Eva incident and John muttering earlier about Paul’s prick before getting pissed at Paul shoving his trousers into the toilet.
This has nothing to do with the current story but Sirius thinks it’s awfully funny.
-
The first time Sirius discovers Remus, it’s just as awkward as the phrase sounds. He literally opens the bathroom door and sees him, says “Oh! Sorry,” stares, blinks, stares again. Remus has not often been naked around him (due to his penchant for dressing behind the bed curtains in true Remus fashion) nor has he been in mid-bend while pulling on underwear.
Or coming wet out of the shower, Sirius hasn’t really seen Remus do that much.
Remus, naturally, miscalculates when Sirius opens his mouth, ends up falling in a wet heap to the floor, pulling his underwear on and resting on his elbows in the span of five seconds.
There aren’t really any fluttering cartoon hearts or angelic choirs, or Sirius spouting off awkward, hopelessly romantic and utterly boyish phrases. There’s just Sirius who blinks, starts focusing again, nudges Remus’s shoes out of the way and collapses, falls right on top of Remus and kisses him, all clattering teeth and bad morning breath.
And really, if you think about it, it isn’t romantic in the least, but there is a half-naked werewolf, so it can’t be all that bad.
-
Later on, Paul is talking about Elvis Presley for God knows whatever reason, while Remus is very red and nodding at intervals, reading a magazine. It's only after the third page that he realizes it's Playboy, which is awkward, but not as much as when Sirius comes into the room, seeing both of them sitting on the lower bunk bed.
To Remus's credit, at least he's wearing trousers this time.
Sirius says nothing, which is uncharacteristic of him, but that's to be expected when there's an abnormal amount of the Muggle equivalent of pure firewhiskey in his system for the past two days. John Lennon's hand is in his trousers too, so that might've closed his mouth rather quickly.
To John’s credit, he can attest that he needs money for a late night outing with Eva’s sister, and then proceeds to pull some coins out of Sirius’s pocket. (Also unfortunate was John’s utter dismay at Eva’s sister not accepting funny foreign money, but that happened later).
The scene ends with a bang, ‘cause Sirius happens to break the lone chair in the room when he misjudges the seat and breaks a chair leg while laughing.
There could also be a literal bang when John pulls Paul into the upper bunk bed, but honestly, Remus thinks there’s enough debauchery in this story as it is, and since it’s Remus, well, you know that means there isn’t enough and he’s sexually repressed.
Clearly, after thinking about that (and that Remus couldn’t possibly have a go with Paul, as he hasn’t with John) Sirius decides that this should be fixed.
And that Remus should take to wearing leather more often (as he happened to pull on Stuart’s trousers ‘by accident’), but that’s just Sirius’s opinion.
-
They almost miss the boat back home, because Remus picks the wrong time to go all nice and loving at it, which is a healthy choice but at this rate they’ll never make the boat in time.
“I should’ve brought my bike,” Sirius says, eyelids fluttering closed, “if I would’ve known you’d take so - long.”
Remus breathes against Sirius’s neck, shifts his weight, listening to Sirius’s groan. “You’d never get it through customs.”
Eventually Remus cocks it up (no pun intended), Sirius is said to be “embarrassing” one too many times and they rush out of the club, dragging bags full of clothing and trinkets. John and Paul manage to get into an argument as they close the door to Remus and Sirius’s cab, but a second later they’re seen laughing in the rear view mirror, then they’re gone.
-
On the boat back home, Remus flips through the book of poetry Stuart gave him. Sirius smokes, leaning on the rail nearby. In the morning light, he looks like one of those photos Stuart showed Remus earlier, black and white rockers in shadows. Taken by his girlfriend, the one Sirius flirted with. He looks just like the pictures.
Remus decides that’s okay and this trip wasn’t so bad at all.
END
The Infamous Hamburg Toilet Seat Story*
by ignited
Remus/Sirius, John/Paul. AU. Rated R. Cracktastic. Set during the Beatles Hamburg era. Boys on vacation.
* There's no actual toilet seat but after stumbling upon this while searching for a title, thought it represents the whole crazy atmosphere of that era. Extra points to those who know about said story. ;)
Hamburg is a different animal than they’re used to - it’s full of Muggles, full of sex and debauchery - and the difference is, they aren’t readily embracing it, dressing it up and calling upon it whenever they need a story to tell. The boys are lost -- which is entirely Sirius’s fault on various levels -- hungry, thirsty, they’re a regular bunch of destitute vagabonds and no amount of Sirius holding out a ratty old cap and asking for more will help rectify this situation.
(“Destitute vagabonds? Isn’t that sort of an oxymoron?”
“Can’t begin to think of adequate descriptions when your stomach’s growling so loudly, Moony.”
“It is not!”)
Somehow, one of them ends up in bed with a Beatle, and that, my dear, is not such a good thing when the other one happens to walk in on them.
It’s all very confusing, you see.
-
John drinks too much, swears too much - it’s all too much, little George Harrison says, looks thoughtful, as though filing it away - does it all on overload, foaming at the mouth, livewire, live on stage. Strange thing is, even when it’s obvious he’s on uppers and a cocktail of pills and drink - as well as screwing the pretty left handed guitarist (“How can you tell?” “Looks like a shirt lifter, I don’t know, he is, in his eyes, all that, and quiet down, Remus.”) - it seems as though it comes all natural to John, the ferocity, like flipping a switch.
“Fellow countrymen,” John says on greeting, then proceeds to take a swig of beer before passing out stone cold. Sirius remarks that it’s one of the best greetings he’s ever seen; Remus wonders out loud if it can be put in that category given that for the most part, he snored throughout.
Sirius prods John with his boot. “Tough call. Up to the jury for that one.”
-
George stands guard at the door to the room they all share, guard being the polite term for the scared virgin who’d rather not sleep on the floor as the others have a go with girls in the space available. Since the room is four sizes too small, and there’s no room or quiet thought to oneself when John screams the way he does, George does his duty and stands guard.
Paul staggers out of the room at three in the morning, hair this way and that. He pulls up the edge of his boxers, pokes George (who’s unfortunately fallen asleep on an old tattered couch in the hallway) and heads to the bathroom. Two minutes later, Remus comes out of the room muttering about needing to fold his clothes and alphabetize his socks, or some such, it isn’t quite audible.
-
The sun is terrible, they decide. They also decide that they might've become vampires through osmosis (hopefully osmosis, ‘cause those other diseases are a right pain, Paul notes) or just overnight. They ask for coffee, black, at the café, Remus being the only exception. He wants tea. The waitress gives him tepid water and a bag of what suspiciously resembles an illegal substance more than Earl Grey.
At some point during the conversation, Sirius mentions his idea of becoming a spy when they're done with school, but Remus chalks it up to insanity and a week old sandwich Sirius insisted on eating the day before. The former is more likely as Sirius leans his head on Remus’s shoulder after he gives this declaration, and then proceeds to drool on his neck. It’s very touching.
Or at least a bleary-eyed John says it is, “you bunch of poofters, aren’t you?” and Remus turns very red and begins to prepare his illegal tea.
-
Throughout all this, it must be noted that one Pete Best deals with an irate old classmate in town for the weekend regarding a matter between them and what was thought to be Eva, the prettiest whore in St. Pauli, but is actually Edward, who moonlights as the prettiest whore on weekends.
There is also an incident involving James Potter, Peter Pettigrew, firewhiskey, and a toilet seat, but that’s alleged, thank you, and not up for discussion.
Ever.
-
It is no surprise to anyone at all that Remus and Stuart Sutcliffe get along famously. It’s also ridiculously convenient, but let’s focus on the fact that it’s a great relief to Stuart that poetry can be shared with others and isn’t just for “those Existentialists and shirt lifters, you nancy”.
After the third time they both laugh over Walt Whitman’s wit (and Sirius doesn’t go cross-eyed while reviewing this sentence in his head), Sirius nudges Remus and winks exaggeratedly. He also thinks about saying that Stuart has a nice bum, pretty obvious isn’t it with those trousers except he’s said it aloud, hasn’t he, ‘cause Remus doesn’t often look murderous-
-
It should also be noted that Paul and Pete weren’t really lighting up condoms for illumination or a boyish prank. Mind you, that was after the Eva incident and John muttering earlier about Paul’s prick before getting pissed at Paul shoving his trousers into the toilet.
This has nothing to do with the current story but Sirius thinks it’s awfully funny.
-
The first time Sirius discovers Remus, it’s just as awkward as the phrase sounds. He literally opens the bathroom door and sees him, says “Oh! Sorry,” stares, blinks, stares again. Remus has not often been naked around him (due to his penchant for dressing behind the bed curtains in true Remus fashion) nor has he been in mid-bend while pulling on underwear.
Or coming wet out of the shower, Sirius hasn’t really seen Remus do that much.
Remus, naturally, miscalculates when Sirius opens his mouth, ends up falling in a wet heap to the floor, pulling his underwear on and resting on his elbows in the span of five seconds.
There aren’t really any fluttering cartoon hearts or angelic choirs, or Sirius spouting off awkward, hopelessly romantic and utterly boyish phrases. There’s just Sirius who blinks, starts focusing again, nudges Remus’s shoes out of the way and collapses, falls right on top of Remus and kisses him, all clattering teeth and bad morning breath.
And really, if you think about it, it isn’t romantic in the least, but there is a half-naked werewolf, so it can’t be all that bad.
-
Later on, Paul is talking about Elvis Presley for God knows whatever reason, while Remus is very red and nodding at intervals, reading a magazine. It's only after the third page that he realizes it's Playboy, which is awkward, but not as much as when Sirius comes into the room, seeing both of them sitting on the lower bunk bed.
To Remus's credit, at least he's wearing trousers this time.
Sirius says nothing, which is uncharacteristic of him, but that's to be expected when there's an abnormal amount of the Muggle equivalent of pure firewhiskey in his system for the past two days. John Lennon's hand is in his trousers too, so that might've closed his mouth rather quickly.
To John’s credit, he can attest that he needs money for a late night outing with Eva’s sister, and then proceeds to pull some coins out of Sirius’s pocket. (Also unfortunate was John’s utter dismay at Eva’s sister not accepting funny foreign money, but that happened later).
The scene ends with a bang, ‘cause Sirius happens to break the lone chair in the room when he misjudges the seat and breaks a chair leg while laughing.
There could also be a literal bang when John pulls Paul into the upper bunk bed, but honestly, Remus thinks there’s enough debauchery in this story as it is, and since it’s Remus, well, you know that means there isn’t enough and he’s sexually repressed.
Clearly, after thinking about that (and that Remus couldn’t possibly have a go with Paul, as he hasn’t with John) Sirius decides that this should be fixed.
And that Remus should take to wearing leather more often (as he happened to pull on Stuart’s trousers ‘by accident’), but that’s just Sirius’s opinion.
-
They almost miss the boat back home, because Remus picks the wrong time to go all nice and loving at it, which is a healthy choice but at this rate they’ll never make the boat in time.
“I should’ve brought my bike,” Sirius says, eyelids fluttering closed, “if I would’ve known you’d take so - long.”
Remus breathes against Sirius’s neck, shifts his weight, listening to Sirius’s groan. “You’d never get it through customs.”
Eventually Remus cocks it up (no pun intended), Sirius is said to be “embarrassing” one too many times and they rush out of the club, dragging bags full of clothing and trinkets. John and Paul manage to get into an argument as they close the door to Remus and Sirius’s cab, but a second later they’re seen laughing in the rear view mirror, then they’re gone.
-
On the boat back home, Remus flips through the book of poetry Stuart gave him. Sirius smokes, leaning on the rail nearby. In the morning light, he looks like one of those photos Stuart showed Remus earlier, black and white rockers in shadows. Taken by his girlfriend, the one Sirius flirted with. He looks just like the pictures.
Remus decides that’s okay and this trip wasn’t so bad at all.
END