'The Wizard and the Bodice' (Remus/Sirius, R) by regala_electra & ignited
Earlier tonight, regala_electra & I were talking about the sex that is Gerard Butler, which lead to Scotland, which lead to the fact that he and Clive Owen should make out and have sex on Hadrian’s Wall in true Scottish & English angst/background conflict which then lead to talking about me reading bad Scottish romance novels and then we wrote cliché-filled Remus/Sirius faux-porn. You know y’all love us.
And me, because who else makes an icon that features Sirius Black with breasts? He so is a bodice ripper heroine. As Reg put it: ‘family disowns him, is the black sheep, is brilliant and beautiful and bestest at everything, and comes into money just when its necessary’. See! SEE, PEOPLE!
Right, story now.
The Wizard and the Bodice
by regala_electra & ignited
Remus, Sirius, Scotland, ravishing, bad!fic romance and possible lunacy.
~* The Wizard and the Bodice *~
With one swift motion, Remus ripped Sirius’s bodice, revealing a firm chest dappled with sweat, heaving and quivering and all those sorts of being-ravished things.
“Ohh!” Sirius cried, eyes wide and scarily reminding Remus of a porcelain doll. “Remus! ...I want you. Inside me!”
“Err. But -- I ripped it --”
“It does not matter! I need you!” Sirius nodded, looking down at himself. “Inside! Now!”
“But I haven’t got any lubrication! This is all a bit preposterous! Why is your chest heaving so mightily?”
“It is the force of you, my love, my only love, the one who must take my virginity, my flower, my--”
“Your virginity? Sirius, you lost that one drunken night in Hogsmeade fourth year. To several people in several hours, if the story’s to be believed. And why are there tears forming in your eyes like sparkling diamonds?”
“That’s not the point! It is my love for you that’s made me tremble so! And really, if you think about it, virginity is a concept. I would give myself to you fully and utterly, my heart and soul, so you may fill me with your seed and I’ll--”
“Seed? What? Seed? Sirius, have you been hit by some kind of spell? Are you drunk? Mad? Why are you putting my hands on your... Are you wearing a skirt?”
“Clearly I love you enough to go to Dumbledore and plead that I can bear your children! You know, plowing troughs, all that fun nonsense.” Sirius waggled his chest, as though expecting non-existing breasts to jiggle. “Now. Back to ravishing. Are you all right? You look a bit green.”
Remus did look green. And pale. And red. Sirius was amused by the various colors and wondered if they were perhaps the colors of Remus’s tartan and clan. Except Remus suddenly began coughing. And looking hysterical.
“Yes, yes, let’s have us a romantic home on some Wuthering Heights and perhaps raise two lovely children that by coincidence look exactly like us and have you lost what little sanity you possess?”
At this, Sirius leaned forward, spider-walking his fingers up Remus’s chest, gaze lowered. He tried his best to be seductive. It wasn’t working. You couldn’t tell your love you could suddenly, magically bear his children and expect everything to be all flames and heated loins afterwards. “Things have changed. I have decided not to let life pass me by and make sure I have someone in my image. That way, those brats can drive you mad should you decide to leave me or continue to be a bore, my love.”
Remus was sure he had never been at a loss for words. Indeed, this was not a time where he lost words, he just lost the ability to string them together in an understandable manner. “I...what? Love? What?”
This called for drastic measures. Sirius put a hand to his forehead, crying out as though he felt faint before he suddenly grabbed Remus and pinned him onto the bed. “You! I love you! My heart sings sweet nothings of your love! I will be devoted to you and bear your children and pleasure you until we die, consumed by our lust! Or just us getting to be old farts first. I haven’t decided.”
This was the issue. Remus very much wanted to have sex. However Sirius had gone mad and apparently had been charmed into believing he could bear children. (The possibility of Sirius bearing children simply could not enter his mind for fear of rushing off to go hide in a closet, curled up into a ball for all eternity.) “Sirius,” he said slowly, a thought to those old romance novels coming to mind, “What I’m the awful one who abuses you before you find your true soulmate and we just have a wonderful shag?”
Sirius started to nod, grinning madly. “Like acting, you mean? A diversion! We could pretend and shag now, and then I can bother with the spouse duties later. Like arranging your books and polishing your wand. Yes, we could shag now. Polishing later.”
Sirius smiled. His lover turned a greater shade of red. Ah, to be consumed with love and lust. It brought out the color in Remus’s eyes.
~
Will Remus give in to his secret feelings for Sirius? Will their marriage be allowed by their families? Will Sirius come into some money?
END
ETA: I think it's hilarious that there's faux porn posted here once I hit 500 readers. That's unintentional. Or an omen. IT'S A SIGN! And a rather breast-y one at that.
And me, because who else makes an icon that features Sirius Black with breasts? He so is a bodice ripper heroine. As Reg put it: ‘family disowns him, is the black sheep, is brilliant and beautiful and bestest at everything, and comes into money just when its necessary’. See! SEE, PEOPLE!
Right, story now.
The Wizard and the Bodice
by regala_electra & ignited
Remus, Sirius, Scotland, ravishing, bad!fic romance and possible lunacy.
~* The Wizard and the Bodice *~
With one swift motion, Remus ripped Sirius’s bodice, revealing a firm chest dappled with sweat, heaving and quivering and all those sorts of being-ravished things.
“Ohh!” Sirius cried, eyes wide and scarily reminding Remus of a porcelain doll. “Remus! ...I want you. Inside me!”
“Err. But -- I ripped it --”
“It does not matter! I need you!” Sirius nodded, looking down at himself. “Inside! Now!”
“But I haven’t got any lubrication! This is all a bit preposterous! Why is your chest heaving so mightily?”
“It is the force of you, my love, my only love, the one who must take my virginity, my flower, my--”
“Your virginity? Sirius, you lost that one drunken night in Hogsmeade fourth year. To several people in several hours, if the story’s to be believed. And why are there tears forming in your eyes like sparkling diamonds?”
“That’s not the point! It is my love for you that’s made me tremble so! And really, if you think about it, virginity is a concept. I would give myself to you fully and utterly, my heart and soul, so you may fill me with your seed and I’ll--”
“Seed? What? Seed? Sirius, have you been hit by some kind of spell? Are you drunk? Mad? Why are you putting my hands on your... Are you wearing a skirt?”
“Clearly I love you enough to go to Dumbledore and plead that I can bear your children! You know, plowing troughs, all that fun nonsense.” Sirius waggled his chest, as though expecting non-existing breasts to jiggle. “Now. Back to ravishing. Are you all right? You look a bit green.”
Remus did look green. And pale. And red. Sirius was amused by the various colors and wondered if they were perhaps the colors of Remus’s tartan and clan. Except Remus suddenly began coughing. And looking hysterical.
“Yes, yes, let’s have us a romantic home on some Wuthering Heights and perhaps raise two lovely children that by coincidence look exactly like us and have you lost what little sanity you possess?”
At this, Sirius leaned forward, spider-walking his fingers up Remus’s chest, gaze lowered. He tried his best to be seductive. It wasn’t working. You couldn’t tell your love you could suddenly, magically bear his children and expect everything to be all flames and heated loins afterwards. “Things have changed. I have decided not to let life pass me by and make sure I have someone in my image. That way, those brats can drive you mad should you decide to leave me or continue to be a bore, my love.”
Remus was sure he had never been at a loss for words. Indeed, this was not a time where he lost words, he just lost the ability to string them together in an understandable manner. “I...what? Love? What?”
This called for drastic measures. Sirius put a hand to his forehead, crying out as though he felt faint before he suddenly grabbed Remus and pinned him onto the bed. “You! I love you! My heart sings sweet nothings of your love! I will be devoted to you and bear your children and pleasure you until we die, consumed by our lust! Or just us getting to be old farts first. I haven’t decided.”
This was the issue. Remus very much wanted to have sex. However Sirius had gone mad and apparently had been charmed into believing he could bear children. (The possibility of Sirius bearing children simply could not enter his mind for fear of rushing off to go hide in a closet, curled up into a ball for all eternity.) “Sirius,” he said slowly, a thought to those old romance novels coming to mind, “What I’m the awful one who abuses you before you find your true soulmate and we just have a wonderful shag?”
Sirius started to nod, grinning madly. “Like acting, you mean? A diversion! We could pretend and shag now, and then I can bother with the spouse duties later. Like arranging your books and polishing your wand. Yes, we could shag now. Polishing later.”
Sirius smiled. His lover turned a greater shade of red. Ah, to be consumed with love and lust. It brought out the color in Remus’s eyes.
~
Will Remus give in to his secret feelings for Sirius? Will their marriage be allowed by their families? Will Sirius come into some money?
END
ETA: I think it's hilarious that there's faux porn posted here once I hit 500 readers. That's unintentional. Or an omen. IT'S A SIGN! And a rather breast-y one at that.