Recap: Criminal Minds 5x18 “The Fight”
I didn't know where else to put this, since it doesn't exactly fit with my YA blog, so...
Recap: Criminal Minds 5x18 “The Fight"
Given the quality of this episode, “The Flight” would be more appropriate
So last night, Criminal Minds aired a “backdoor pilot” (*snicker*… yes, I am 12) for its new spinoff series. So basically it’s the spinoff pilot disguised as a CM ep.
I’ll put it bluntly-when I first heard of the spinoff, I wasn’t particularly excited. OK, maybe that’s an understatement. About as excited as I would be about getting a root canal without anesthesia whilst being forced to listen to Justin Bieber on repeat whilst being forced to watch Smallville might be a little more apt. But in spite of all this, I tried my hardest to go into this with an open mind. I didn’t want the spinoff to suck-not because I have any intention of watching it, but because Bernero and co. really seem to want to show off their new toy with crossovers, should this spinoff get picked up. Unfortunately, if this ep is a harbinger of things to come, man, am I going to need more alcohol.
So the only way I saw fit to get revenge upon this episode for the forty-three minutes plus commercials I spent watching it would be… to spend an hour or two recapping it in excruciating detail! I know, I makes lots of sense. But snarking things pleases me. It makes me feel centered when I feel like washing multiple painkillers down with cheap vodka and trying to forget this ever happened. At least recapping saves me the headache.
The spinoff is as of yet untitled, but the working title is apparently Minds 2.0. I take issue with this title-not because it’s stupid, but because it’s misleading. See, affixing 2.0 implies progress, improvement, over the original. But after watching this backdoor pilot, I have concluded that, if the spinoff were to be named in terms of improvement over the original CM, a more accurate title would be Minds 0.005. So this is what I shall heretofore call it.
Minds 0.005 opens with our Vics of the Week, a father and his teenage daughter. The father is Jason Wiles, who was on a bunch of shows and now apparently cannot get a better gig than Vic of the Week on Minds 0.005. I’m so sorry, Jason. I don’t even know who you are and am going by what I’ve read on forums, but you seem like a cool guy. Anyway, some greasy guy with a beard shows up and threatens them. Meet Mr. Unsub! This should have been the first red flag to me. Now, eps in which we’ve known the identity of the unsub early on haven’t always been bad. In fact, some have been really good. But I definitely think it’s a trickier order to keep up the suspense and drama when the audience already knows who the unsub is. So basically, in addition to having to find some balance between the new characters and old ones, the writers now have to deal with a tricky case.
I’m starting to think it was a good thing I was already drinking heavily when the show started.
Cut to two sweaty guys getting physical in a shabby warehouse place in a cutty part of town--you can tell from the graffiti visible outside the door. This sounds much more exciting than it actually is. It will also be the first of many instances of the writers trying way too hard to prove how ~*edgy*~ this team is. See, an ~*edgy*~ team leader doesn’t do pansy ass things like watch birds or write novels. Hell, even shooting ducks is for pussies. No, ~*edgy*~ team leaders pretend they are Channing Tatum in Fighting. Except without the whole, you know, being hot part, which is really the only reason I can come up with for watching Channing Tatum in anything.
One of said sweaty guys is none other than Forrest Whitaker. His character is named Cooper, but when I see him, all I see is Forrest Whitaker, which should tell you how exciting Cooper is. How do I even begin to describe Cooper? Allow me to do so in pictoral form:
The only thing about Cooper that particularly stuck with me is that I couldn’t stop staring at his wonky eye. It’s distracting, man.
Hotch walks in, and all I have to say is hellloooo, sexy. No, seriously. This guy is like, bringing more sex appeal by walking through a door than a couple sweaty guys getting physical a few yards away. Granted I might be a tad bit biased but hey, at least I’m admitting it. So then Hotch does this little eyebrow thing at Cooper and… that also sounds much more exciting than it is, too. But I won’t lie, the eyebrow wiggle got me very excited. Yes, the most exciting thing about this ep so far is Hotch wiggling his eyebrow. We’re off to a bang-up start.
We find out that Cooper used to work with Hotch and Rossi way back when, and they’re apparently good enough friends that Cooper can call in a favor and Hotch’ll come out to San Fran and wiggle his eyebrow at him. They go and have a drink in a bar that can’t seem to decide if it wants to be a chic Martini joint or a total dive. It’s dimly lit with this bizarre red tone that makes me feel like I’m in a circle of Dante’s Hell. Actually, that’s a pretty appropriate image for this ep. Except if Hell is populated by guys who look like Hotch, then I’m there, man. Hey, Virgil, you busy right now?
*cough* Um, where was I? Oh yeah. Cooper tells Hotch about the case. Apparently, Cooper thinks there’s a connection between a recent string of white guys turning up dead, and the disappearance of father-daughter pairs. Cooper wants the BAU and his team to work different angles of the case, against the director’s order. But guys-he has a feeling! That’s important, OK? Enough so that this guy we have never once heard Rossi, Gideon, or Hotch mention gets Hotch to risk getting his team in hot water to help.
This plot twist is almost as awkward as my grammar in that last sentence.
Next we see the Jason Wiles and the daughter tied to a post in what looks like a warehouse (correction: later we find out it's an old abandoned swimming pool. So add condemned buildings to the list). So apparently, unsubs’ favorite places are basements, barns, and warehouses. And always ill-lit ones. The unsub waves a gun in their faces and acts like a skeeze. This is all I can recall from this scene, and I’m not going to watch it again. I know I’m a masochist, but even I have my limits.
We return from credits to a hilariously fake-looking shot of the BAU jet flying low over the Golden Gate. Because this is SAN FRANCISCO, guys! And yes, this will also not be the first sign that this ep takes place in SAN FRANCISCO (not to be confused with San Francisco, and the difference should become clear soon). We get a brief scene in the jet with our team talking about the case. Enjoy it, because this is pretty much the last time we’re going to see Reid and JJ for the remainder of this ep.
Next, we get some establishing shots of Chinatown, SAN FRANCISCO, where the Minds 0.005 crew apparently work in a basement that bears a striking resemblance to my freshman dorm’s laundry room. Or a serial killer hideout. Take your pick; they’re pretty much interchangeable. Now comes an exceedingly clumsy scene introducing us the characters using the TV adaptation of a time-honored tradition of many fanfiction.net writers--dropping a character description on the screen (in gritty Courier New, as opposed to the slick sans-serif font of civil service on the original CM). While I understand the reasoning behind this, as we are pressed for time and the writers are throwing a lot at the audience at once, but perhaps a better solution would've been to, I don't know, not throw so much at the audience at once? The rushed introduction to the new team, I fear, doesn't do them any favors in terms of endearing them to an audience who tuned in to an episode of Criminal Minds.
First up we have Prophet-no, it’s not his real name. Congrats, Trip Tucker, you’ve been outdone in the Stupid Nicknames category. And I just realized how dire this sitch is that I’d rather be watching Enterprise than this. They should’ve hired Scott Bakula as team leader. That would’ve been kind of awesome. But knowing my luck they’d probably get Jolene Blalock instead. And I need to shut up before they get ideas. I can’t really think of anything to say about Prophet except that he’s an ex-con who’s so ~*special*~ he was allowed to join the FBI. Oh shi---Guys! Guys! Something amazing has happened. I’ve actually found a show more stupid and improbable than Make It or Break It!
Hold up, for I must bask in this moment, because I don’t know when another one like it will arrive.
OK, done now. Anyway, Prophet can pretty much be summed up as:
Next up is Gina. The initial casting sides described her as a grew-up-on-the-streets-but-used-her-powers-for-good tough chick. In later sides she’s described as a former Army brat, which is alluded to in this episode with a reference to West Point. Other than that, however, her presence is so bland and soulless I don’t even know what to say about her. My summation of her is gleaned mostly from casting sides, which gives us:
Finally, we have Mick. I’m gathering that we’re supposed to find him a smooth, suave, debonair-with-a-wicked-streak kind of guy. In truth, Mick reminds me more of those douchey guys who cruise dive bars in Hollywood whilst reeking of cigarette smoke and Jack Daniels trying to pick up girls by looking perpetually aloof and talking about their band, their bike, or both. So basically he’s Justin Bobby with an accent.
I have been informed by a friend that the actor is indeed British, which I find deeply amusing, given that his accent was bad enough that she actually had to look him up.
So there you have it, kids. Minds 0.005. Oh, I should also mention that they all wear black leather jackets-no suits for Minds 0.005! They’re ~*edgy*~, you guys! They also work off a blackboard instead of a whiteboard like the original CM team. Get it? They’re like night and day! Har har.
… I’m going to kill myself now.
OK, I didn’t kill myself, but I did bang my head on the desk a few times, and now I feel slightly dizzy.
Our original team splits up to chase leads, and we have another scene with the unsub and victims. The writers, fresh off Fight Club movie night, have decided the unsub is picking up guys off the street and forcing the fathers to fight them to the death while the daughter looks on. Fucked-up? Check. Bizarre? Check. Now, I have nothing against fucked-up and bizarre. This describes many CM cases and frankly, many of the “real life” cases upon which the CM ones were based. But those forms of fucked-up and bizarre had a certain kind of logic to them-the logic of a deranged killer, granted, but logic nonetheless. This? Is just stupid. Stupid and shocking for the sake of shocking. Oh, and ~*edgy*~. I forgot.
I’d ponder if this is in any way supposed to tie into the scene with fighting in the beginning, but I’m honestly afraid to put too much thought into this.
Moving on. The original team has split up into groups involving old team member/new team member, clearly another way to show off this sexy roguish new team by contrasting them with the originals. I think I threw up a bit in my mouth typing that. Hotch and Cooper are boring-OK, Cooper is boring and Hotch is hot. I said I was biased, OK? Emily is (of course) partnered with Mick, which I think was supposed to be cute and sexy, but ended up… let’s say I was on my second glass of Shiraz by then and hoping I’d mercifully pass out. Damn me being able to hold my liquor. I was reminded briefly of the banter Emily shared with the cop from Lo-fi/Mayhem (Coach Marty on Make It or Break It lol), which I found surprisingly enjoyable--the actors had great chemistry and it felt natural. Well, take that banter and multiply by copious amounts of fail, and you get Mick/Emily. It was just so forced and devoid of any spark or chemistry. Furthermore, the Mick actor just does not have the goods to sell a character like this. I give you Richard Castle. Despite being a cocky womanizer, we like Castle, because Nathan Fillion oozes charm in that role. Mick, however, oozes nothing but hair gel and cheap cologne. So in the end, the entire Mick/Emily dynamic has about as much heat as a dried squid.
OK so Prophet and Rossi go to interview one of Prophet’s old prison buddies. This is when we get our ~*shocking*~ moment in which Rossi finds out that Prophet’s had an extended stay in the hoosegow. Surprisingly, this leads to what has to be one of the least interesting prison scenes ever. I’d just like to pretend this happens instead:
Morgan is off with Elle 2.0 (shit, I can’t believe I already forgot her name-oh yeah, Gina. My bad. I’m so sorry, Elle) interviewing a former victim’s wife. Intercut with all this, we see Reid having one of his 3 or so lines in this ep as he delivers the profile with Hotch. I don’t know where poor JJ is. Maybe instead of being bitter, though, I should be glad for her. At least she got to limit her time and involvement in this clusterfuck. Garcia also makes a painfully brief appearance when the two teams conglomerate, and she's not even bantering with Morgan--she's talking to one of the new people. Strauss checks in to be the frigid bitch again, scolding Hotch and Cooper like they’re a couple of misbehaving kids. Hey Hotch, you can come misbehave with me; I’ll never tell. Except perhaps to brag about it to my friends or something. But I’d be good, I swear. *crosses fingers behind back*
So the episode culminates with the two teams busting into the warehouse in Kevlar, only to immediately split up again in new!team/old!team mixed groups. At least they had Hotch go with JJ instead of Cooper, though, which brought some sorely-needed hot to my screen and a nice reminder of what show I’m actually watching. Reid seems to be MIA during this whole thing. I’m not even a big Reid fan and I feel offended by his utter lack of presence in this ep. The unsub flees with the daughter while Morgan, Emily, and Gina give chase. They manage to corner the unsub on the roof and it all plays out as you imagine it would. In a fabulous display of terrible acting, Gina gets the bulk of the lines, although to be fair she isn’t significantly worse than her fellow Minds 0.005ers (and yes, that includes you, Forrest). But she just cannot rock a bulletproof vest like Lola Glaudini can. Nor does she have Elle’s badass gun holsters. Hell, I bet Lola would even make Gina’s Snooki poof look hot.
… These asides of mine are really not helping me focus on this recap, so last one, I promise.
In a tense, suspenseful, unexpected moment-oh, fuck it, I’m too tired even to be sarcastic already. In an utterly predictable and derivative moment, the unsub throws himself off the edge of the building. Emily runs over to the railing and looks down (whilst the cameraman gives us a nice butt shot-hey, I’m just trying to focus on the positive here). But-surprise!-unsub’s hiding out on a ledge and points his gun at Emily, who just stands there looking dumb. I see the new team’s rubbing off. But before he can take his shot, a sniper gets him from a dramatic vantage point beneath a neon sign. I’m not even going to lie-I held up a faint and ridiculous hope that it was Hotch, despite the fact that I knew he’d never make it up there in time, although considering his back story I wouldn’t be surprised in the least if he had super powers. But it wasn’t, of course. It was Justin Bo-Mick.
Oh Gooodddd, I’d rather be watching the Hills than this. Someone shoot me now.
JJ shows up for about two minutes to be motherly to the daughter I guess to justify AJ Cook being credited for her appearance in this episode. Hey guys, you could’ve cut costs by having a couple extras dress up as Reid and JJ. Probably no one would have noticed.
The final scene shows the two teams breaking bread-OK, drinking beer in the basement office. I know, I know… how ~*edgy*~. But I’ll give this episode one thing-the ending definitely suited the rest of it. The Minds 0.005 are a classy lot. At least we got a Hotch smile out of it, but I couldn’t even get excited over that, because would it really hurt Hotch to smile at his own team sometimes? Come on, Hotch. They’re hotter! Or do I need a wonky eye to get you to notice me? Shall I go around all day with only one contact lens in? I can totally do that.
OK, well, anyway, thus concludeth my recap. I’m hoping to head off some protests by those optimistic about the spinoff by saying-yes, I know it was a backdoor pilot. I’ve seen them before. I’ve never been fond of them, because it always feels like the characters on the original show were sidelined to showcase the new ones. This episode was no exception. I felt like it was written as a pilot for Minds 0.005, and the original CM characters were crammed in there to justify making it a CM episode. The plot could just as easily have progressed without them-if the plan was for the two teams to work different angles on the same case, why did they spend most of the episode working in mixed old!team/new!team pairs? Did Reid and JJ even need to be there at all? The plotline was simply not big enough to support the presence of both teams and most of the ep felt like a spectacular case of too many cooks in the kitchen. The time spent showcasing the new team while simultaneously trying to justify the presence of the old one would have been better spent developing the case. If CBS wanted to do a backdoor pilot that badly, they should’ve gone the Grey’s route and made it a two-parter, or better yet-just not done a backdoor pilot at all.
However, I will attempt to find something to be optimistic about-perhaps this “backdoor pilot” might give TPTB time to analyze this episode’s flaws and fix them before the actual pilot airs. Private Practice underwent many significant changes since its backdoor pilot crossover with Grey’s-they even sacked Francie and had her role recast. Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough to make me stick with PP, but it seems to be doing pretty well in the ratings so the logical conclusion is that these changes were a good thing. So we can only hope that TPTB see this debacle as a learning experience. Until then, I’m fine with recapping this ep and then repressing it like a bad one-night stand. Well, except for the Hotch looking really, really hot part. I’m fine with remembering that.
For your time:
Hot and fierce: Ur doing it right
All caps and lovely photoshoops by me