Some Answers are Better Left Unheard
Some Answers are Better Left Unheard
Changmin/Yoona. PG. 2,276w.
Changmin propped his chin up on his hand, resting his elbow on the squashy mattress. He squinted about in the darkness, staring down at his girlfriend’s sleeping face, a faintly wrinkled expression marring her features in sleep. He let out a loud sigh as swung his feet over the side of the bed, rubbing the bridge of his nose with his index and thumb fingers close.
He stretched his limbs upon standing, his worn shirt pulling across his chest. As he relaxed, it slumped again, returning to its typically wrinkled state.
Tonight had been fine and exhausting for the most part, but though his joints ached he thought he’d rather be anywhere but in bed. He’d rather stand out in the cold than to wrap himself around the satin sheets Victoria picked out for them because-well, that was something he hadn’t quite thought of yet, but there is a reason. A good one, he was sure.
A breeze jostled a branch across the window as Changmin stepped out of the room; his shadow creping across the carpet while he stumbled blearily into the bathroom. He slid a hand across the wall, fumbling with the light switch before flicking it on and letting his eyes succumbed to the blare of its harsh light. With the other hand, he pushed the door shut and then blinked at the glass mirroring his tired expression.
He grunted then, turning on the tap and splashing his face with icy water. He spluttered, looked up, and habitually brushed the damp patches of hair stuck to his forehead. His features seemed shadowed, stretched tight in the fluorescent light and when he rubbed his cheek with a hand again, Changmin felt the spiky beginnings of hair on his chin.
He yawned, resting his forehead against the cool mirror and leaving his hand slumped under the tap, relishing the feel of icy water running over his hand as his thought fluttered to the sleeping form a door away.
Maybe if they could just stop arguing, things would be better. If only things were easier with Victoria, maybe then he would get more sleep.
After a long moment, he drew back and dragged a hand through his hair, shaking his head jerkily and yawning again as his eyes settled on his phone (his private one) sitting forgotten beside the tap. He’d left it here after an argument escalated when Victoria had accused him of calling women behind her back.
Changmin sagged against the wall as he remembered every annoying detail of the fight. She had been quite vicious, pointing out names he desperately reasoned were close and personal friends of his-people she didn’t have to worry about; people like his mother and sisters and grandmother and several female friends from their company he’d practically grown up with in training.
He was tired of having to explain himself. Explanations and lectures given a dozen times over for someone who didn't want to listen.
He closed his fist around his phone, flipped it open, and pressed his thumb against numbers he all but memorized with his eyes closed. Pressing the receiver against his ear, he listened to it ring while moving to sit on the edge of the bath.
Finally, the other end picked up.
“Changmin?” Yoona’s voice was muffled and husky. He felt a faint shiver go through his body as he sat up straight and thought of what to respond, pulling a towel from a hanger in front of him and wrapping it around his shoulders.
“Yeah. It’s me.”
There was a pause. He could hear her yawn sleepily and could faintly hear the rustle of sheets being pulled back. Changmin wondered briefly why he had called her out of nowhere at this time, but decided that he needed someone to talk to. Someone who he thought might understand better than some friends he should have considered first.
“What is it? Are you okay?” Her voice had cleared slightly, though the words still came slowly (softly) as they always did when she was tired.
He frowned. Did his voice sound that hoarse?
“What makes you think that?”
Another yawn and a faintly exasperated release of breath.
“It's three in the morning, oppa! I can't think of any other reason for you to be calling me when you know I have a 6am sho-”
“I can't do this anymore, Yoona!” he blurted out. Good Lord, it felt so good to say it aloud-his frustrated confession and... her name.
“Oh, Changmin.” Another shiver slipped through him. What was this? He pulled the towel even more tightly around his shoulders.
“I'm always having to explain myself, always having to say everything... otherwise she complains that I don't communicate-but I do, I do everything I can-but I never do it right...am I just... not cut out for this kind of thing? Am I not understanding? And then when I want to give it a rest, maybe a bit of space, she says I'm ignoring her needs, being selfish or something! How is this supposed to feel? This can't be it, can it?”
He sagged again. The words were tumbling from his lips at top speed and though it was completely out of character of him, Changmin admitted it felt so good to-
“I can't say no to her, Yoona, and I care about her so fucking much so how in Buddha's name am I supposed to end it?”
There, he'd said it. He wanted this to end.
“I don’t think I’m the right person to ask about these things...”
“You’re better at this though.”
Yoona let out a soft chuckle at this and he immediately felt a little stupid at his choice of words. “Gee, thanks.”
“I don’t mean it like-You know what I mean.”
“No, I understand what you mean,” she replied and he could almost see the smile tugging at her lips as she paused, “You just do it kindly, I guess.”
“I can't do that!”
“Oh, come on.” Her correction came gently, firmly. “You are one of the kindest people I know, Changmin. I know you can.”
He sighed and slid to the floor, resting his back against the bath.
“But I don't. I couldn't even tell her to stop dragging me out everywhere the second we finished our SMTOWN concert in China-”
“Qian-unni is persistent, I’m sure. But she’s only just so because she’s excited to show you around her home.”
He rubbed his eyes and laughed grimly.
“I’ve been flying back and forth from China and everywhere in the world since I was 16. I think I’ve had enough sight-seeing.”
Changmin sighed again and ran a hand through his hair. “It’s just... are you ever like this with Kibum?”
She laughed softly at the question. And for the first time, he registered how much it (hurt) bothered him to realize how happy she was to talk about her significant other. The person he’d pushed towards her a year and a half before; his friend he thought would be good for her in ways he just... wasn’t.
“Pssh! Of course not!” she said, audibly stifling another yawn, “With our schedules being so damned crazy all the time it’d be a miracle if we ever have enough time to sneak a make out session in a broom closet somewhere...”
A wave of unexplainable relief swept over Changmin as he chuckled.
“It's good to hear you laugh,” Yoona said affectionately, “I don’t think I’ve ever made you laugh since we were kids.”
“Yeah well, these days I'm just brimming with chuckles. Call me Chuckles Shim, the cowardly clown.”
“Stop with the pity party, sunbae,” she chided sternly, using the honorific he hated hearing her use on him alone, “You’re also one of the bravest people I know. You’re just... nice.”
“Thanks for the emphasis, Yoong. Nice. Better not let Kibum hear you say that,” he couldn't help but say, his tone suddenly and uncharacteristically obnoxious. She fell silent at this, her breath halting at his words.
“Sorry.” He said hastily, feeling himself blush. “I didn't mean-”
“No,” she said wearily. And he could hear the sadness that had crept into her voice. She took a deep breath, and then said slowly, “You're right.”
Suddenly, Changmin found himself unable to breathe.
“He's everything I ever wanted, Changmin. He's intelligent, kind and ambitious in moderation. He knows exactly what to say and when to say it. He regularly makes me feel wanted and genuinely cares about me...”
There was a pause before he managed to croak through his mysteriously swollen throat, “But?”
“But I... I can't love him like he loves me. I don't know why. He's my ideal partner but I can't seem to love him the way I always dreamed I would.”
There was another pause. This time felt heavier than the former.
“You seemed so happy.” Changmin found himself croaking, somehow feeling himself reeling in disbelief.
“I thought I was.”
Another silence.
“I'm sorry, Changmin. I've dumped this whole mess on you-I'm just so confused.”
“So am I.”
He stared down at the tiled floor, bringing his knees to his chest as he listened to her breathe.
“Changmin?”
Again there was that shiver running through him. A strange warmth trickling into his chest and glowing inside as his name was spoken in such serenity as a prayer.
“What?” It came out of his lips in a whisper, though he never intended it to be so soft. His eyes drawing close tightly as he sat back and imagined her face slowly changing expression under a dim light.
“I'm glad you called.” Her tone told him she might be wearing a smile as the words tumbled out and Changmin breathed an inaudible sigh.
“Me too,” he said, this time forcing himself to speak above a whisper. “Hey, Yoona?”
Another silence.
“What a pair we make,” she commented, with a feeble attempt at a lighter tone of voice. “My boyfriend is too perfect for me and you think your girlfriend is too wrong for you.”
“Yeah, that sums it up pretty well.”
Changmin had to smile at her effort but then was suddenly reminded of the sleeping girl in the room next to him, and his stomach squirmed in guilt (but why so?).
“Look, Yoona-I... I should go.”
She sighed, sadness brimming in her tone. “I know.”
Those two words crashed into him like a boulder. He rubbed his eyes and blinked at their intensity ringing in his ears.
“Yoona, I-” and he forced himself to break off before spouting words he did not entirely know were certain. He was afraid of how easy it felt to finish. The words were right there on the tip of his tongue but it felt wrong to continue, scaring him of their value once spoken allowed.
“Good night, Changmin.”
He swept a hand underneath his eyes and swallowed, suddenly more afraid of letting her hang up and disappear.
“Good night.”
She didn't hang up, letting his feeble farewell dangle in the air.
“Changmin, I...” her whisper trembled, as though just as afraid as he, “I...”
Anticipation and guilt warred within his gut as she trailed off and left the words hang. And Changmin felt himself shiver again, worried at how badly he wanted her to finish whatever it was she wanted to say.
“I, um, well,” her voice was flustered, somewhat broken, “Nothing, just-I’m sorry. Good night.”
“Yoona-”
Click.
He gripped the phone tightly as he withdrew the object from his ear, his jaw set in a hard angle. The disappointment he felt from her abrupt good-bye bothered him, and he wasn’t entirely sure why.
He and Yoona had never been the closest of friends, but in the last couple of years and with their common friends - after TVXQ’s last tour and So Nyeo Shi Dae soaring even further than anyone would have predicted - the two of them had found an understanding that came as natural as breathing. They began to confide in each other, trusting themselves to say things they would have normally kept from the other in their former days. Changmin got to know her all over again and so did she.
Things were better and then some but...
“What am I doing?” He murmured to himself as he stumbled over to the sink and turned the tap again.
The sound of rushing water filled his ears and he shook his head, shutting the tap off when the noise became too much for his confused senses. Instead, he turned to get a shower running, throwing off his clothes and stepping into the searing hot blast of water. Ignoring the slightly painful burning across his shoulders as the hot streams lashed against them.
He needed to get rid of this sudden ache her absence left him with. He upended the shampoo bottle over his head, scrubbing furiously at his hair and squinting as the soap stung his eyes.
But her voice overcame the hiss of the water.
“What a pair we make.”
He gritted his teeth and shut his eyes, allowing the water to wash off the shampoo from his dark hair.
If only the water could rid him of the pain throbbing in his chest... rid him of that tangible tingle of happiness that swept through him every time she said his name...
He had asked her earlier, “How is this supposed to feel?”-
Changmin slammed the water off and snatched his towel off the floor before burying his face in the somewhat stiff cloth.
And in that sudden silence, he realized that he'd gotten his answer.
Author's Note: I promise a fluffier piece soon. I don't have a writing muse right now and I miss my OTP so damned much.