The Closer: A Re-Imagining Involving Kitty
The Closer. A gripping crime drama that explores... crime.
I doubt that meryl_edan and I were alone in our assessment that the plotline of the episode in which Captain Sharon Raydor appeared for the first time was shoddy, at best.
So we did a little rewriting of our own, based on some in-depth character analysis, that we believe more accurately describes Mary's amazing frakkin' body and her pwning awesomeness the seriousness of this... gripping crime drama. We took some screen caps that we thought were hot appropriate and added some new sex scenes intense dialogue.
The Closer: Red Tape
kitty goes bad, way way bad
an episode rewrite via macros by meryl_edan and icedteainthebag
M: What the hell is "a very intense pedicure"? I'm picturing someone going at her toenails with a belt sander. That is not sexy. (or is it? with Mary I can never tell. she's good at making non-sexy things sexy. like pencils. and genocide.)
A: I think it would involve a very, very long foot and calf massage. Given by me.
M: Can I at least watch? Maybe I can do her manicure at the same time.
A: You can watch. When I'm done with her lower half, you can have a go.
M: Mary improvised that line.
A: I couldn't tell.
M: Drugs are involved in 87% of all homicides.
A: Word on the street is that catnip is the next heroin.
A: Sharon Raydor pwns the entire universe. Here she is, about to sashay.
M: I've been working on my Raydor sashay and will perform it for you at D*C. Not even kidding.
A: Can I stand behind you and nod my head and say "Shit bitch, you is fine"? I've been working on that.
M: The hell are you talking about? Who said that on the show?
M: No wonder that wardrobe guy was so excited to get Mary some Armani. Any other fucking day he's just walking down the street to the thrift store to get the ugliest crap he can find for Sedgwick to wear.
A: "Here, Kyra! This flowery dress was only $2! Which is good because Mary wants more Armani."
M: Mary learned her lesson with BSG selling off all her good clothes. She has a "keep-wardrobe clause" in her contract now. And yes, that's a legal term I just made up.
M: Is it just me, or is it a teensy bit hard to take her completely seriously with the hair and the lipstick?
A: It's just you.
M: I guess it's more believable than Sedgwick with her damn floppy hats.
A: The guy behind Raydor is carrying her tools of interrogation.
M: He's the Jamie Bamber of this show. He's the guy who plays the guy who carries Mary's character's shit. Wait, does that make sense to anyone besides us? See, the story is that Lee had to carry Laura's suitcase down on Kobol because she never goes anywhere without three changes of clothes, her flat iron, her bikini trimmer, and her vibrator...
A: That's in the series bible, by the way.
M: Sedgwick improvised that line.
A: I'm not sure Mary was supposed to hear it.
M: Um, Sharon, it's probably the one guy standing in the room.
A: I would pay good money to hear Mary say "motherfucker."
M: I love that our Raydor is a swearing, boozing, sex maniac.
A: I think Mary just loves playing swearing, boozing sex maniacs. Who wear hot glasses.
M: And she's a method actor, right? So she's basically swearing, boozing, and sexing ALL THE TIME.
A: God, that's so hot.
M: No, debrief ME, captain! Me!
A: Now I'll do the watching. Also to be noted: Sgt. Gabriel's look of unbridled lust.
M: He can watch too. I don't mind.
A: Sgt. Gabriel says he witnessed Captain Raydor going down on Pope behind the squad car, is that unusual?
M: WOW. I like it better if Pope's going down on Raydor. Can we have that please?
A: Oh, I'm so there.
A: Maybe Brenda just doesn't know the true Raydor. The one who lounges on her overstuffed couch, eating Godiva chocolates and watching Love, Actually.
M: Do not snark Love, Actually. Emma Thompson? Laura Linney? Alan Rickman? That's a trifecta right there.
A: I'm just thinking about Mary enjoying that chocolate... with her tongue...
M: I sometimes don't like when you're really pervy.
A: Oh, OKAY, miss Pope going down on Raydor! I'll keep that in mind!
M: Well, why does the chick always have to give head? Besides, Dasha's fic with EJO going down on Mary against the wall was hot. I like that image. Ok, not with Eddie in it though.
A: My feelings are the same. I was just sayin'... It's a case of the perv calling the perv pervy.
M: Mary's characters need way more orgasms.
A: I agree 10000% on Mary's characters needing more orgasms.
M: *stifles eyebrow wank*
A: I'm just going to pretend that Mary truly believed her character would paint in her eyebrows. Method acting. Like you said.
A: Oh, Brenda, your bitchface owns.
M: Mary needs to work on her wonky!eye. Apparently that's the kind of thing that gets an Emmy nod around here.
M: There's a really dirty joke in here somewhere.
A: Is the cat sitting on the desk?
M: WOW AGAIN. and lmao. I'm not responding lest you try to take that even further.
-- 5 minutes later --
M: still LMAO.
A: Meow.
M: "Like the fact that I just got my cialis prescription refilled."
A: "And that I got my walls soundproofed."
A: Sharon Raydor: having illicit desk!sex since...forever.
M: I love this show.
A: Well, Brenda, does the Petco sell gin? Gunpowder?
M: The ones in Virginia do.
A: *dies*
M: *also dies*
A: God, why do I think he is so hot?? Why do I want them all crazy nasty together?? This troubles me.
M: It's because you were forced to watch her with EJO for four years and after that, most anything is an improvement. You're all miscalibrated and whatnot.
A: Why can't she star with Julian McMahon or Hugh Jackman in something? Gods damn it.
M: That's no moisturizer. That's Pope's amazing skill at Janukurpara position.
A: Most likely followed up with Chakrabandha position.
M: Is it getting warm in here? *fans self*
A: I'm not sure I have anything articulate to say about what she just said.
M: Raydor needs a hot bath. I need a cold shower.
A: Who?
M: Seriously? The Usual Suspects?
A: Haven't seen it. Who the hell names their kid Keyser.
M: No one! Just watch the movie already.
M: I have some slight discomfort with using the word "bitch" so often. I feel like that may be fairly second-wave of me though. We can call each other that now, right?
A: I refuse to Google your feminist philosophies. Bitch.
M: Ooh, Mary would not like your attitude. She's all about empowering the feminine.
A: Maybe Mary can empower my feminine.
M: What did I JUST SAY about the perving?
M: P.S.: Raising the Bar is on right after this and Jane Kaczmarek is another queen of bitchfacing. I love her.
A: Jane Kaczmarek + Mary McDonnell. I ship it.
M: omg. so hard.
A: Kitty learned it's best not to fuck with Sharon Raydor.
M: We cannot say the same about Pope.
A: No, no we cannot.
M: It seems to be pretty good for him, actually.
A: I recommend a FedEx box with holes punched in the sides.
M: I bristle at your cavalier attitude toward animal abuse. Frak, what is up with me and the self-righteous stuff today?
A: I'm about to bitchslap you right off that high horse you rode in on!
A: Sometimes you gotta give your kids that tough love.
M: By shipping them to Mexico.
A: Blah blah blah PLOT blah blah blah, now go have sexy tiems.
M: That was pretty much the crux of all of our problems with this project. It's hard to concentrate on plot when Raydor and Pope are so, well, you know.
A: Also, quick note, I love the way she looks when she stands like this. Okay, I love the way her ass looks when she stands like this.
A: I've now fallen completely in love with the idea of a dirty-talking Captain Raydor.
M: Me too. Too bad this show isn't on HBO. Fail.
A: SO MUCH FAIL.
A: I've got your latte! You can do me! I'm right here.
M: Sigh. The hair. *WANTS*
_____________________________________________________________
M: And that's a wrap. We batted this idea around for a while (batted, like cats do, get it?) but didn't get the full cracky inspiration until now. This was a two-day project, our longest ever, I think. (Save the Legs took over 12 hours. Crack is HARD WORK, people.) Maybe we'll do Mary's next ep too. Yes, I think we shall. Pope and Raydor have not exhausted all possible positions. Ok, mostly I just want another excuse to look up the Kama Sutra and imagine Mary, um...excuse me.
screencaps by Big Giant Spaceship (thanks, darlin' ;) ) and some unknown person... thanks unknown person
I doubt that meryl_edan and I were alone in our assessment that the plotline of the episode in which Captain Sharon Raydor appeared for the first time was shoddy, at best.
So we did a little rewriting of our own, based on some in-depth character analysis, that we believe more accurately describes Mary's amazing frakkin' body and her pwning awesomeness the seriousness of this... gripping crime drama. We took some screen caps that we thought were hot appropriate and added some new sex scenes intense dialogue.
The Closer: Red Tape
kitty goes bad, way way bad
an episode rewrite via macros by meryl_edan and icedteainthebag
M: What the hell is "a very intense pedicure"? I'm picturing someone going at her toenails with a belt sander. That is not sexy. (or is it? with Mary I can never tell. she's good at making non-sexy things sexy. like pencils. and genocide.)
A: I think it would involve a very, very long foot and calf massage. Given by me.
M: Can I at least watch? Maybe I can do her manicure at the same time.
A: You can watch. When I'm done with her lower half, you can have a go.
M: Mary improvised that line.
A: I couldn't tell.
M: Drugs are involved in 87% of all homicides.
A: Word on the street is that catnip is the next heroin.
A: Sharon Raydor pwns the entire universe. Here she is, about to sashay.
M: I've been working on my Raydor sashay and will perform it for you at D*C. Not even kidding.
A: Can I stand behind you and nod my head and say "Shit bitch, you is fine"? I've been working on that.
M: The hell are you talking about? Who said that on the show?
M: No wonder that wardrobe guy was so excited to get Mary some Armani. Any other fucking day he's just walking down the street to the thrift store to get the ugliest crap he can find for Sedgwick to wear.
A: "Here, Kyra! This flowery dress was only $2! Which is good because Mary wants more Armani."
M: Mary learned her lesson with BSG selling off all her good clothes. She has a "keep-wardrobe clause" in her contract now. And yes, that's a legal term I just made up.
M: Is it just me, or is it a teensy bit hard to take her completely seriously with the hair and the lipstick?
A: It's just you.
M: I guess it's more believable than Sedgwick with her damn floppy hats.
A: The guy behind Raydor is carrying her tools of interrogation.
M: He's the Jamie Bamber of this show. He's the guy who plays the guy who carries Mary's character's shit. Wait, does that make sense to anyone besides us? See, the story is that Lee had to carry Laura's suitcase down on Kobol because she never goes anywhere without three changes of clothes, her flat iron, her bikini trimmer, and her vibrator...
A: That's in the series bible, by the way.
M: Sedgwick improvised that line.
A: I'm not sure Mary was supposed to hear it.
M: Um, Sharon, it's probably the one guy standing in the room.
A: I would pay good money to hear Mary say "motherfucker."
M: I love that our Raydor is a swearing, boozing, sex maniac.
A: I think Mary just loves playing swearing, boozing sex maniacs. Who wear hot glasses.
M: And she's a method actor, right? So she's basically swearing, boozing, and sexing ALL THE TIME.
A: God, that's so hot.
M: No, debrief ME, captain! Me!
A: Now I'll do the watching. Also to be noted: Sgt. Gabriel's look of unbridled lust.
M: He can watch too. I don't mind.
A: Sgt. Gabriel says he witnessed Captain Raydor going down on Pope behind the squad car, is that unusual?
M: WOW. I like it better if Pope's going down on Raydor. Can we have that please?
A: Oh, I'm so there.
A: Maybe Brenda just doesn't know the true Raydor. The one who lounges on her overstuffed couch, eating Godiva chocolates and watching Love, Actually.
M: Do not snark Love, Actually. Emma Thompson? Laura Linney? Alan Rickman? That's a trifecta right there.
A: I'm just thinking about Mary enjoying that chocolate... with her tongue...
M: I sometimes don't like when you're really pervy.
A: Oh, OKAY, miss Pope going down on Raydor! I'll keep that in mind!
M: Well, why does the chick always have to give head? Besides, Dasha's fic with EJO going down on Mary against the wall was hot. I like that image. Ok, not with Eddie in it though.
A: My feelings are the same. I was just sayin'... It's a case of the perv calling the perv pervy.
M: Mary's characters need way more orgasms.
A: I agree 10000% on Mary's characters needing more orgasms.
M: *stifles eyebrow wank*
A: I'm just going to pretend that Mary truly believed her character would paint in her eyebrows. Method acting. Like you said.
A: Oh, Brenda, your bitchface owns.
M: Mary needs to work on her wonky!eye. Apparently that's the kind of thing that gets an Emmy nod around here.
M: There's a really dirty joke in here somewhere.
A: Is the cat sitting on the desk?
M: WOW AGAIN. and lmao. I'm not responding lest you try to take that even further.
-- 5 minutes later --
M: still LMAO.
A: Meow.
M: "Like the fact that I just got my cialis prescription refilled."
A: "And that I got my walls soundproofed."
A: Sharon Raydor: having illicit desk!sex since...forever.
M: I love this show.
A: Well, Brenda, does the Petco sell gin? Gunpowder?
M: The ones in Virginia do.
A: *dies*
M: *also dies*
A: God, why do I think he is so hot?? Why do I want them all crazy nasty together?? This troubles me.
M: It's because you were forced to watch her with EJO for four years and after that, most anything is an improvement. You're all miscalibrated and whatnot.
A: Why can't she star with Julian McMahon or Hugh Jackman in something? Gods damn it.
M: That's no moisturizer. That's Pope's amazing skill at Janukurpara position.
A: Most likely followed up with Chakrabandha position.
M: Is it getting warm in here? *fans self*
A: I'm not sure I have anything articulate to say about what she just said.
M: Raydor needs a hot bath. I need a cold shower.
A: Who?
M: Seriously? The Usual Suspects?
A: Haven't seen it. Who the hell names their kid Keyser.
M: No one! Just watch the movie already.
M: I have some slight discomfort with using the word "bitch" so often. I feel like that may be fairly second-wave of me though. We can call each other that now, right?
A: I refuse to Google your feminist philosophies. Bitch.
M: Ooh, Mary would not like your attitude. She's all about empowering the feminine.
A: Maybe Mary can empower my feminine.
M: What did I JUST SAY about the perving?
M: P.S.: Raising the Bar is on right after this and Jane Kaczmarek is another queen of bitchfacing. I love her.
A: Jane Kaczmarek + Mary McDonnell. I ship it.
M: omg. so hard.
A: Kitty learned it's best not to fuck with Sharon Raydor.
M: We cannot say the same about Pope.
A: No, no we cannot.
M: It seems to be pretty good for him, actually.
A: I recommend a FedEx box with holes punched in the sides.
M: I bristle at your cavalier attitude toward animal abuse. Frak, what is up with me and the self-righteous stuff today?
A: I'm about to bitchslap you right off that high horse you rode in on!
A: Sometimes you gotta give your kids that tough love.
M: By shipping them to Mexico.
A: Blah blah blah PLOT blah blah blah, now go have sexy tiems.
M: That was pretty much the crux of all of our problems with this project. It's hard to concentrate on plot when Raydor and Pope are so, well, you know.
A: Also, quick note, I love the way she looks when she stands like this. Okay, I love the way her ass looks when she stands like this.
A: I've now fallen completely in love with the idea of a dirty-talking Captain Raydor.
M: Me too. Too bad this show isn't on HBO. Fail.
A: SO MUCH FAIL.
A: I've got your latte! You can do me! I'm right here.
M: Sigh. The hair. *WANTS*
_____________________________________________________________
M: And that's a wrap. We batted this idea around for a while (batted, like cats do, get it?) but didn't get the full cracky inspiration until now. This was a two-day project, our longest ever, I think. (Save the Legs took over 12 hours. Crack is HARD WORK, people.) Maybe we'll do Mary's next ep too. Yes, I think we shall. Pope and Raydor have not exhausted all possible positions. Ok, mostly I just want another excuse to look up the Kama Sutra and imagine Mary, um...excuse me.
screencaps by Big Giant Spaceship (thanks, darlin' ;) ) and some unknown person... thanks unknown person