Fic: "Open your Eyes, Open your Heart" PART II
Part I
PART II
Time flies, time drags.
They don’t make it home this time. Change of plans. More malls, fewer clubs, and stages Jensen doesn’t want to be on. His chest tightens every time as fear and a constant feeling of inadequacy plague him.
It’s not supposed to be this way. But the words don’t stop, instead it's just the process of getting them out that's slow. Jensen has them all in his head but he goes days without writing them down. Memories of that one night are like claws shredding his creativity every other second.
There are times when all he can do is sit in the bus and let the world outside fly by. The bus has always been his refuge, more than any hotel room or empty apartment in some random city could ever be.
More often then not, Danni finds him in sweats and a ratty t-shirt, curled up on one of the couches; sketching, scribbling and chugging one cup of coffee after the other. She never says anything but she watches him, as does everyone else on the band.
Jensen knows he worries them. He can’t ignore the whispered words or the way Danni has the pills ready, just in case. They never really help, just end up being more of a placebo then anything, but Jensen smiles at the thought that Danni keeps them handy. Then he feels pathetic about needing that kind reassurance.
It goes smoothly for a while, with not real attacks and good shows. Jensen tries to put the memories of that night into one of the many compartments his brain has come up with. Only there isn’t the right place available and they keep pushing back to the forefront of his mind. And yet Jensen doesn’t really mind, they do give him the inspiration he needs after all.
They're at a roadside diner when the second phone call comes in. Their manager hasn't been around in weeks. He seems to be afraid of them these days. Incompetent is way too nice a word to describe him and Jensen wonders why they keep paying him when they're doing everything on their own.
He picks at his burger, not really hungry and too hot to feel anything but the need to drink straight from the bottle. They’re lethargic, run down and tired after four straight days on stage. None of them really know where they are or what’s the next destination. Steve does, but then he’s the driver.
Chris is sacked out against the window, breath fogging the glass, eyes half closed and mouth twisted in a strange smile. Sandy’s asleep next to him, Danni pressed up against her, worried looks traveling between her and Jensen.
Jensen almost smiles at the warm feeling inside of him. Danni cares so much, sometimes too much and he’s afraid she’ll break under the weight, and he swears he’ll watch out for her as well. Mike’s in his own world, earphones on and player set on something spherical. Jensen envies him a little.
Their waitress is nice but refrains from trying small talk, Jensen decides she deserves a nice tip. She keeps their water glasses full and doesn’t blink when Mike orders half the menu with a lot of extras for the second time this night.
It’s around 11pm somewhere in the middle of nowhere and the feeling of being lost, stranded, is again getting stronger inside of Jensen. He eats almost mechanically, burger cold and kind of soggy but still on the tasty side. He just wishes he could appreciate it.
Jensen finds himself thinking of hazel eyes, a dimpled smile, then swallows the memories with a too cold coke and tries to reign in the words until he can write them down. Then he can’t wait anymore, has his notebook open, smiles when Danni grins and just lets the ink flow. Much like the last time, that night.
His coke glass is sweating all over the place, droplets running down the side of it and Jensen reaches out to pick it up, flashing back to the way sweat rolled down tanned skin in very much the same way. Just a line and he writes it down. An image, a thought and he’s way into another paragraph.
Then Mike jumps, scrambles for his cell phone and curses when he looks at the screen. Jensen’s heart skips, stops for a beat and then begins to race.
“Yes. Sure. I know. No, the show was great. Good fun. Of course. I do know that, Martin. Oh, come on. It’s only been two months. You think we can come up with a complete album in only 8 weeks? When did that ever happen? Yes, yes… you said that. Yes, I know. You know what? It doesn’t help much when you keep calling and reminding us how fucked we are. God, yes. It’s 11pm here. Yeah, stick your apology where the sun doesn’t shine. Ass.”
Mike’s red in the face, almost slams his phone on the table but remembers how much he actually loves it. He sighs, looks at each of them - all awake now and alert - and shrugs.
“Fucker. Dunno why we keep him on a payroll. Works more for the label then for us. Same as usual. Sounded like an ultimatum.”
No one says anything after that, they're all caught in their own thoughts, pushing food around and never noticing when the glasses are refilled. They pile out of the diner well after midnight, all of them with a cookie on the house and a smile from their waitress. Jensen would have smiled back if he hadn’t been so busy trying not to freak out.
Danni pulls him close when they shuffle over dry, caked earth towards the bus - Steve already in, getting ready. She keeps quiet for a while, has her arm around him and Jensen can’t stop shaking. He feels five, not like almost thirty.
“Hey, Jense.”
“Hmm?”
“It’s gonna be fine. At least for a while still. And you are writing again.” She keeps pulling him along like she isn’t sure he wouldn't just stop there and never move again.
Jensen can’t even say if he wouldn’t do just that. “Yeah. But … Danni, I dunno if it'll be enough. For them. Or for us.”
She smiles then, eyes reflecting the streetlight across the lot and Jensen can see it’s a genuine smile, too.
“Jense, I have faith in you. And seeing you like this again, writing, sketching, being in your own world with that secret smile on your face. It’s more than we had in years. It feels all right.”
The soft kiss on his cheek is reassurance and comfort at the same time. Sandy follows suit, hugs him close and then links her fingers with Danni’s. Again, Jensen thinks they are okay, beautiful in this simple way things should be.
Jensen sleeps in his bunk that night, fingers spread over the badge of the band’s name and without any kind of dreams. It’s the first time in months he doesn’t flee to the couch in the tank.
The first time he plays the new song for the band there's dead silence afterwards.
Sandy makes him play it, comes in when he’s in the middle of rearranging tunes and words, just flops down next to him and asks him to play it again. Mike’s next, just stays after stocking up on coffee. And before Jensen knows it, the tank is full of bandmates and he’s the center of their attention.
He smiles at the picture, all of them somehow curled up or wrapped around each other, even Chris - who is all for personal space and no-touching - is sprawled out next to Mike.
The guitar feels heavier than usual, digging into his thighs and Jensen takes a deep breath, plays some lonely tunes before he shrugs and starts the song. Words he’s never said out loud, only ever had in his mind and then on paper, suddenly hang in the air, carried by tunes none of them have heard before. Not this way.
Jensen’s caught up in it, so much so that he doesn’t realize how quiet everyone is until the bus takes one particularly rough patch of asphalt and everything sort of rumbles around them.
Chris is staring at Jensen, a myriad thoughts in his eyes and but face shut down. Jensen blinks, shivers a little and focuses on the coffee cups and dark circles around them on the table. Sometimes he doesn’t know how to take Chris, sometimes Jensen wonders if anyone actually really knows him.
“This is my song ... just different,” Danni says after a while, a small smile on her lips and a spark in her eyes. Her words sets things in motion, Mike grabs his drums sticks and Chris reaches for the other guitar. Sandy’s all but sitting in Danni’s lap now, already humming the song under her breath.
Jensen nods then, plays on, playing it again. The words become a real song the second time around, hanging in the air before fading away. This time it’s not just his voice but harmonies from the girls and tunes from the boys.
For the first time in years it works like it used to, they work like they used to.
Everything is dark
It’s more than you could take
But you catch a glimpse of sunlight
Shining
Shining down on your face
Your face
On your face…
Oh, you’re in my veins, and I cannot get you out.
"In My Veins"
By the time the last words have faded, everyone’s staring at him, wide eyed and a little slack jawed. The bus has stopped without them noticing and Steve’s there now as well, looking surprised, but positively so.
Jensen hasn’t written a slow song like this since he was maybe fifteen or sixteen.
Chris breaks the stunned silence first. Of course it’s Chris. “This is great, Jense. Seriously awesome. Who is he?”
Steve snorts, hits Chris over the head and then looks at Jensen, the same questioning look on his face that everyone else is now sporting. The tear in his jeans is suddenly way more interesting and he scratches at the skin visible through it. Jensen's not shy, only when he is and then he never knows what to say.
He feels himself heat up, knows the red is spreading over his cheeks like it hasn’t in years. They all know that he usually writes this kind of song when he’s crushing hard. There's a reason why none of his latest attempts have made it onto CDs. They're usually nothing more than a pathetic way to say that he's crushing.
The thing is, Jensen’s pretty sure that it’s like this. Only, he can’t be crushing on someone he doesn’t even know, on someone he’s only seen once and will never see again. Chris’ question throws him a little, because he hasn’t thought about that at all, he was so lost in the words that their meaning's been completely lost on him.
He sinks down, almost tries to hide in the couch and props his feet up on the low table, he doesn’t dare to look at anybody. Jensen thinks he's kind of shocked himself, actually.
“The guy in the club, right?” Danni knows what it’s all about. She always does when something's up. Jensen should've known.
He writes when he’s involved emotionally, when something's on his mind or when he just needs to vent. He writes when he needs to deal with things and can’t find the right words to speak about it. Lyrics, melodies, have always worked so much better for him. And this is not an exception.
Dancing with that tall, beautiful, man was like a switch being turned inside him. Jensen doesn’t know why, doesn’t even try to ask that question. He won’t ever see the guy but it at least made him write again. So he nods, grins a little and shrugs.
“Your melody, the humming, it's been on my mind. The words just came after that night. I know it’s different and I don’t know if it’ll work. But it’s something, right?” Jensen finally says.
“Sure is. Hell, Jen, this might actually calm the powers that be enough to leave us alone for now. It sounds awesome. Come on, let's hear it again.” Mike’s already drumming out a rhythm on the table, setting the pace that Jensen simply keeps up.
Danni joins in halfway through the song and it fits. It’s there again. Now he just has to explain to them that this is a song about a hooker who got under his skin in less than an hour. Yeah, this'll go over well during interviews.
Jensen smiles through the jam session, something he hasn’t done in a while.
It’s Texas again a few weeks later. This time they can actually go home, see their friends and families, relax and forget about the road for a while. Off the bus, though, Jensen's back to not writing.
The inspiration, the feeling of having to get the words out is fading away with every passing day. The memory of hands on his skin and whispered words against his ear is changing into something dreamlike, something he’s not sure is even real anymore.
Jensen doesn’t exactly miss the bus but he has a hard time falling asleep in his own bed. It’s not moving, not vibrating softly underneath him. It’s like something's missing. Lying awake at night, staring at his ceiling and wondering where his bout of creativity has vanished to, Jensen decides to take a few days off. They have one gig in town, a club this time, something small and it’s the only thing on their schedule.
And, Jensen thinks, he really needs to get away from everything for a while.
He calls his mom, invites himself over to his parent’s place. He laughs in delight when not only his parents are there, but his brother and sister as well. It’s a good day. Home cooked meals and his momma’s fawning always make him feel better, and helps him forget what’s on the line right now.
His brother takes him out, gets him drunk beyond reason and wakes him up at the ass crack of dawn to take him fishing. Jensen feels at home, feels good and relaxed. And doesn’t complain much when his parents take him out that night again. It’s a great couple of days.
Until his sister decides to drag him out on a shopping spree with her. It’s the last thing he wants to do right now but he can’t say no to her pleading eyes and his mom’s laughter.
Jensen tunes everything out as soon as they set foot into the mall. It’s a reflex by now, he can’t help it.
“… and then he even dared to ask me out. Can you imagine that? The balls this guy has … Unbelievable. Uhm.. Jensen? Are you even listening to me?” Mackenzie stops going through the jewelry racks and looks at him in away that says she’s not impressed.
“Sorry, Mac ...” He goes for sheepish, knows it works when she rolls her eyes and smacks him on the arm. The mall’s crowded and Jensen doesn’t feel all that comfortable. He can feel the stares he gets and instinctively moves so that there is less of him visible.
Mac senses that something’s up from the beginning, cuts stays in too open spaces short and guides him into the back of shops. Jensen realizes that his sister's growing up faster than he thinks she should, doesn’t really remember her being a teenager. He hasn’t been home much for it. Guilt makes it’s way through his mind. Guilt that he’s still focusing too much on himself instead of her, even now when he’s actually spending time with her.
But Mac knows how things are, knows about the record deal, about the way things between the band and management have gone sour. She doesn’t probe, doesn’t ask but pats his back when she feels he needs it.
The jewelry racks have lost their appeal and Mac drags him towards what looks like the entry to male hell, everything’s flashy and neon-colored, like a reject from the 80s and Jensen just wants to close his eyes and get away.
“Fuck, Jen, look at this. It’s gorgeous.” Mac is holding up something that Jensen can just barely identify as a dress and even he, with his not so spectacular fashion sense, can see that it’s neither gorgeous nor something he wants his baby sister to wear.
“Language, Mac. Also way, way too short. No fucking way.” He blinks at the price tag then and wonders who the hell would spend that kind of money on a triangle of fabric that barely covers the essentials.
“Oh, and you're too young for this kind of thing anyway,” he adds, just to rile her up.
“Jensen! I’m twenty-three,” Mackenzie answers in such a deadpan voice that Jensen snorts a laugh. Yeah, she’s growing up and Jensen can’t help but regret the times he’s missed.
They wander around for a little while longer, Mac showing him one atrocious crime against fashion after the other and Jensen's trying not to get blinded by the colors or prints. Mostly unsuccessful.
After one especially cruel pattern on a fake leather skirt, Jensen slowly backs away from Mac, who’s laughing at his horrified face, and he almost walks straight into a broad chest when he turns around. A broad chest that Jensen thinks he knows.
Jensen lets his eyes travel up and deep inside he knows what he wants to see but at the same time he hopes it isn’t so. Broad chest blends into wide shoulders, tanned skin visible in the open V of the t-shirt and then there are dimples. Not full force, not like Jensen remembers but still so very familiar.
Curious eyes look into his when Jensen finally looks up and into them. And to be really clichéd, everything around him kind of fades away and Jensen just sees the man in front of him. There are hands on Jensen’s arms, holding him steady, saving him from stumbling further into the shop.
“Wow. Hi.” The words are whispered but Jensen hears them nonetheless and blinks. The daze he’s been in is momentarily broken and Jensen remembers why this isn’t good. The guy still looks so damn innocent and hot at the same time.
Jensen is confused, curious and slightly annoyed. This isn’t supposed to happen. Jensen isn’t supposed to see this guy again, isn’t supposed to have his muse be real and talking to him. And he silently curses Mike for dubbing the guy ‘Jensen’s muse’ in the first place. It’s slightly awkward right now, even if it’s just in Jensen’s head.
The guy coughs slightly, blinks but doesn’t make a move to let go off Jensen. The white t-shirt stretches obscenely over the muscles chest and Jensen is momentarily tempted to repeat their dancing performance, then just blushes hotly and damns his libido for waking up now.
He’s aware of Mac frowning at them, watching them curiously and he doesn’t really know what to do. There is the possibility of stepping away and doing the sane thing of saying hello and then making a very hasty retreat. Jensen could also just stand there motionless and look like a complete tool. Or he could go on staring while still looking like a tool.
A bear hug saves him from the dilemma, a bear hug he’s pulled into and which makes him grunt out of surprise and confusion. While he stands there caught in a hug by a man he doesn’t really know and who's occupied his thoughts these last few weeks, Jensen thinks this all is kinda funny, in a very strange way.
“Urgh ... breathe.” Jensen tries to say and thinks it comes out a little too squeaky. Mac just smirks and doesn’t say a word. She seems way too amused by the scene to even think about helping Jensen.
“What?” It’s said against his ear and flashes of that night crash through Jensen and make him shiver. It seems to be the reaction his body has settled on when dealing with those memories.
“Breathe … have to.” Jensen wheezes and is immediately released.
“Oh my God, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to … I just saw you there and couldn’t believe it. I mean I never thought I’d see you again and here you are. You didn’t wait. Oh uhm, I’m Jared …” the guy rambles and Jensen is kind of lost. Gone is the confident, hot guy that danced with him that night and Jensen is faced with a spaz-like, rambling person.
Jensen feels like the world is screwing with him just because it’s fun.
“I never said my name back then and yeah I just wanted you to know it ... yeah.” The guy - Jared -- blushes, then ducks his head and shrugs in this helpless kind of way that makes Jensen want to pat him on the shoulder and tell him everything's fine.
Instead, Jensen just smiles a little, knows it’s sort of cold and moves subtly closer to Mac. His sister just looks between him and Jared and stays silent.
“Uh ... Jensen,” Jensen says, feeling idiotic for a reason. He doesn’t want to engage, doesn’t want to talk but he can’t keep his mouth shut. Steps from one foot to the other and just wants to get away. Mac’s hand on his back calms him down a little.
“Oh yeah, I know. I mean, I didn’t back then but Chad said it was you and I didn’t believe it. I checked online when I was back home. And wow … really I danced with a Bender, which was really kinda awesome, ya know …”
Jensen doesn’t want to believe him, wants go on thinking that this guy is a cunning asshole who just danced with Jensen to get some kind of celebrity bonus. Jensen wants to get stuck on the fact that the guy is a hooker. Only, he can’t. And it makes him angry with himself.
He frowns a little, takes in how Jared’s eyes flit between him and the floor. It looks so damn shy and innocent and Jensen wonders if Jared’s an actor or something.
Mac’s the one solving the tension or at least cracking it a little. She chuckles and smiles at Jared.
“Oh … I’m sorry. I ramble when I’m nervous.” Jared mumbles. Jensen, for a second, thinks again that this guy is a brilliant actor who has the innocent act down really well. Then he looks into Jared’s eyes and falters a little. Jared seems so genuine.
“I figured,” Jensen retorts and grunts when Mac elbows him in the stomach. Yeah, he’s behaving like an ass or well on the way to it anyway.
Mac goes a step further with the whole solving the tension thing when she just gapes a second later and actually bounces a little. Jensen can only stare at his little sister and than at the guy’s - Jared’s - reappearing blush.
“Wow. You are Jared Padalecki,” Mac says, eyes wide and a grin on her face Jensen hasn’t seen in years. Also, how the hell does she know how the guy is? Then the name kind of clicks on Jensen’s mind.
“Uhm, yeah. Didn’t think anyone would still know.” Jared answers. In a way that makes it clear he really thinks so. Jensen believes him, doesn’t want to.
“Dude, you were awesome. Can’t believe you didn’t win this thing. It’s a shame really.”Mac gushes, leaving Jensen is just a little flabbergasted.
“Well, I was no Adam Lambert, and he didn’t win either. And they didn’t want me to sing my own songs.” Jared smiles, a little subdued. It doesn’t fit the picture Jensen has in his memories.
“That’s why? Dude, that sucks. Come on, we're in the 21st century. Look at Jen here, out and proud and a fucking rock star.”
Jensen scowls, wants to hide, wants to smack his sister at the same time and doesn’t do anything in the end. This is all so very surreal.
“Yeah, but he made it on his own. I was on a damn casting show and people had to decide. Label wasn’t really impressed with me. So I didn’t get any offers afterwards.” Jared shrugs, as if it’s over and done with. Some small part of Jensen refuses to believe him. Jared’s far from being over it. Why Jensen cares, he doesn’t know.
And then the name suddenly makes sense.
“So, you're the guy my baby sister has been obsessing about those years ago. Interesting.” Jensen smirks at the outraged look Mac throws him and at the blush Jared can’t seem to get rid of.
“She spent tons of money calling in for you. Had my dad up in arms.” Jensen moves to avoid Mac’s slap and consequently closer to Jared.
People navigate around them now, glare sometimes and Jensen feels like he has to get away. This isn’t the most comfortable place and he has to fist his hands in his pockets to keep himself from reach out and dragging Mac away.
He wants to get away from Jared. From the memories and words that are creeping up on him, making him itch to take his notebook out. Just one look at that floppy hair and dimples on full display and Jensen’s creativity is happy. He wants to curse and yell at it, wants to damn Jared for affecting him like this. It would be insane, more than crazy but the urge is there.
“Ignore my brother. He’s just jealous that me and my friends picked you over him. You still in the business?” Mac says, smile all back in place and her eyes focus solely on Jared.
“Oh no. I guess it wasn’t for me. I work here. At the record store. Or worked until today.” Jared looks a little lost then, as if he didn’t want to spill that secret or like he really doesn’t know what to do now.
Jensen’s confused. The man does have a rather lucrative income after all.
“They fired you?” Mac’s not as subtle as she can be but then Jensen has the same questions on the tip of his tongue.
“They fired everyone. Sold the business, closing up and all that. Was my last day and yeah. Does make you wonder why you went to college, huh?” He sounds so dejected that Jensen feels the tug at his heart, stomps down hard on it anyway, it’s not supposed to be there. Not for this guy.
“Jensen and his band are playing in a club downtown tonight. If you want to come I’m pretty sure Jen can put you on the guest list. Or well, tell Mike get you on it.”
Jensen stares at his sister, because that’s the last thing he needs. Another get together with Jared and another chance for his mind to focus on things it has no business on focusing - like the spark in Jared’s eyes just now or the blinding smile.
This man is selling his body for money. Jensen just can’t deal with this right now. He’s about to spin a lie, about them being booked or not having a guest list but he doesn’t get the chance to even open his mouth.
Jared’s looking at them then, sun through the mall’s glass roof spreading some kind of halo around him and Jensen almost snorts at the irony of that.
“Come on, Jared. It’s just a small club and you get the chance to see The Benders without having to pay anything,” Mac wheedles and Jensen knows Jared’s a lost cause now. Mac can talk anybody into anything, this Jensen knows from experience.
“Uhm … okay. I mean if it’s no trouble. I’ve never seen you guys live. Would love to.” Jared’s close to rambling again and Jensen suppresses a smile. The blushing must be appealing to a lot of customers, seeing as it makes him want to hug Jared close.
Jensen jerks a little and blinks when Mac’s hand lands on his arm. This is not the right place for thoughts like this. And there will never be a right time.
“Great. Your name'll be on the list,” Mac grins and Jensen doesn’t even know what to say anymore.
“Yeah, nice. See ya tonight then.” Jared nods, looks at Jensen a little too hopeful and turns to leave and then just all but spins around again and hugs Jensen for a second time today.
Jensen wants to tell Mac, wants to say what he’s thinking, what Jared does. No words leave his mouth though. He can’t, not when Mac’s looking so happy and proud. She’ll be there tonight and Jensen won’t destroy that for her. He’ll try to hold it all back, if only to make his sister happy.
Jared’s long gone and out of sight when Mac simply looks at him and then drags him over to the ice cream parlor. Jensen thinks he deserves some sugar now, maybe it’ll help keeping his thoughts aligned and from being all over the place.
Jared.
At least now he has a name to the face, the body … a name for the memories. Jensen doesn’t know if this is something good or not.
Backstage is chaos, it’s too small and too crowded. They argue over the songs, change the set list every second and fight over if they should include the new one Jensen still hasn’t properly titled yet.
The air is filled with tension, hot and sticky, just what Jensen hates. The crowd seems forgiving, not yet shouting for them to come out. It’s loud, bearable, but Jensen wants to be gone.
This is a club show, something he loves and craves, but today he doesn’t want to be there. Dreads the moment his eyes will find Jared in the crowd, hopes he won’t be there and knows at the same time that he isn’t that lucky.
Mac’s in front of the stage, so are Josh and a couple of friends Jensen hasn’t seen in years. It feels familiar, intimate and it shouldn’t have the same effect on him that a mall gig has these days. Except the tight feeling is back, the knowledge that things are on the edge makes it worse tonight.
No new song. Not tonight. Jensen says as much. It’s not the right moment. It feels forced and wrong, like he tries to will something that isn’t there anymore. The song is too important to just let it out here. He feels it in his blood, in his veins and tells everyone to shut the fuck up and that he will find the right time.
Mike actually looks offended, even hurt and Jensen can only offer a single ‘sorry’ but isn’t in the right mood to actually argue full on. Then he looks out, sees the crowd when the band enters the stage. Jared’s there, right at the edge of the stage, not far from Mac, not far from them.
Jensen’s breath hitches. Black, tight jeans, equally tight t-shirt. Just like in the club, only this time Jared's wearing another shirt over it all and looks so damn edible that Jensen stares.
The image Jared’s presenting makes it abundantly clear that he knows how to use his body, how to affect people. Jensen wants it all for himself and hates that at the same time.
Sandy takes one look at him and knows what’s going on. Danni’s right behind her, smirking when Jensen’s step falters a little.
“The guy from the club, huh?” Sandy grins, nudges Danni. Jensen feels like they are in high school again.
“Yeah. Met him at the mall. Mac invited him, knows him from that Idol show. He was on it apparently.” Jensen shrugs, tries to pass it off as nonchalant and knows he misses by more than a mile. He feels so out of his element that he’s clueless about how to act.
He can’t bring himself to look at Jared, can’t bring himself to let it all go and maybe take the chance at getting to know Jared, maybe figuring out why this guy makes him write and how that fits into Jensen’s current life.
“Sure,” Sandy says, droll and the smirk’s still there. Jensen hates it when she does that. He always feels like she’s judging him, which she probably is.
“Come on, let’s rock this house.” Chris is there, leading them onstage. Jensen swallows once, twice and then decidedly pushes back against the invisible force pressing on his chest. Not tonight. It won’t happen tonight.
The crowd goes wild the second they see him, grows louder when Jensen joins him. It’s still one of the best feelings in the world.
Flashes of light in his eyes, pounding rhythm under his feet -- not just from the band but from the audience as well. The ground is vibrating beneath him, making him shiver and his heart beat along with the bass and drums. He can feel it in his body, his chest tightening, his stomach flipping, his feet tingling. This is how it's supposed to be, how it should have been the last few shows and how it never really is anymore.
He's moving with the sounds, the lights and flashes. Lets his mind drift and doesn’t think much anymore. His body takes over and he sees Jared doing the same. It’s in their blood; the rhythm, the beat, the music.
And just like that he has a title. It fits like the lyrics fit Jared and the way he moves, like it fits their situation in a way Jensen can’t determine yet. Suddenly he knows it’s the right moment to play it, to let it out, to let Jared hear it even if he doesn’t know what it’s all about, that he’s the reason behind the words.
When Danni’s solo's over and the crowd gets kind of nervous because Jensen doesn’t immediately start on the next song he turns to his band. He’s not the leader, never was. They're a group, changing their positions on stage as often as they can, but he just has to ask them before he does something he might regret later.
“I want to sing it,” is all he says. He can see recognition and slow smiles starting up, gets nods in acknowledgment, in agreement and knows it’s really the right moment now.
Jensen steps forward to the mic in the middle of the stage, guitar grabbed tightly in his hands and his heart in his throat. As much as he loves being on stage, performing, living his music out here, he never really was one for the spotlight, always letting Danni take it and enjoy it. But this really is his song, for now anyway, and he needs to be the one up front. Just this once.
“Hey, how're y’all tonight?” Jensen smiles when the answering cheers are almost deafening.
“So ... I know y’all have been waiting for some new stuff …” He can’t say anymore for a few minutes, it’s just too overwhelmingly loud and he sees Jared’s brilliant smile out of the corner of his eye. It’s distracting in the most disturbing way. Jensen’s heart beats faster, sweat beads on his skin and he just wants to hide. This isn't supposed to happen. Not so randomly, not with a guy he doesn’t know.
New words are already forming in his mind. Seeing Jared like this has an immediate effect. Jensen blinks, can’t believe that it could be this simple and then just waits for the crowd to calm down again.
“I have something for you. It’s called ‘In My Veins’ and I wrote it on the road, after a night of dancing in a club, in the middle of nowhere.”
He doesn’t know why he says it, why he seeks out Jared the moment he says those words. Jared’s eyes go wide and he hears Chris snort in his earpiece. The grin that spreads over his face feels new and strange, but also kind of fitting.
The first chords feel like liberty, like a step he should have taken a long time ago, they should have taken a long time ago. The first few words feel like nothing he’s ever done before and they crowd is silent all of a sudden.
Jensen stands there all alone in front of the microphone, playing his guitar and sings with all his heart out, like he hasn’t in a long time. This is freedom, this is what he's been missing lately. He looks at Jared, once, and then just sings.
Nothing goes as planned
Everything will break
People say goodbye
In their own special way
All that you rely on
And all that you could fake
Will leave you in the morning
Come find you in the day
Oh, you’re in my veins, and I cannot get you out
Oh, you’re all I taste, at night inside of my mouth
Oh, you run away, cause I am not what you found
Oh, you’re in my veins, and I cannot get you out.
Jensen’s sacked out at the bar, playing with the empty shot glasses, happily drunk and still taking congratulations when Mike sidles up next to him with a huge ass grin on his face and a spark in his eyes. It’s never a good sign and Jensen fears his next words.
“Found your muse,” Mike slurs, bottle of water in one hand, bottle of Corona in the other. Water sounds like a good idea but Jensen can’t bring himself to even turn and signal the barkeeper. He’s too content right now, even with Mike plastered against his side.
“Guess so, yeah.” And it’s probably right. Jensen can feel the next lyrics inside of him, just needs to look at Jared and it’s there. He’s not sure what it means but it’s there and he knows it’ll be good for a few songs. It scares him a little. A lot really.
For a mean second Jensen wonders if Jared was on the job tonight as well. It was packed, hidden backstage rooms and all that. Then he cringes at his own thoughts, blinks around the now dimly light room and shakes his head.
This is screwing with him. He needs to get away from Jared. Far away. Being on the road now suddenly sounds good. He turns but bumps into Mike, half slides off the bar stool but can’t get away. Something’s sticky on the bar top and Jensen frowns at his hand, looks at it in disgust.
Mike’s suddenly there, right in his face and Jensen doesn’t like the look. Hot breath, smelling like a whole bottle of really pricey Tequila hits his nose and Jensen grimaces. He’s not sober enough to deal with Mike or anyone right now.
“No, mean found him slumped over backstage, asleep. Talked a little.”
This doesn’t sound good, Jensen knows that Mike’s not the most coherent person when he’s drunk and through the years they’ve often ended up canceling orders for Ferraris or a thousand Cartier watches, all made by Mike while drunk. So Jensen prepares for the worst.
“You know, your muse has no job, right?”
“Uh, yeah.” Jensen is confused. This is not what he expected.
“Offered him one.” Mike nods, looking all proud of himself and probably is. Jensen can’t do anything but stare. Mike’s brown hair look strange in the light of the club and Jensen wants to know which color they are now. Then the words catch up with his brain and he chokes.
Hell no.
“You what?” Jensen almost yells, draws looks to them and has Sandy and Danni scramble towards them. Chris is already there and Jensen wonders how he did that. Steve’s right behind him.
“Offered him a job.” Mike says again, impossibly proud and not even seeing the error in his logic.
“As what?” Sandy pipes up even though she probably has no idea what’s really going.
“Our assistant. We need one, for schedules and all that stuff. We get money for one but do the shit ourselves. So not cool. As long as we still have the contract we can do it. And he needs to be around, so assistant.” Mike is still grinning but Jensen feels himself getting more and more anxious.
He feels sick. “Needs to be around?”
The thing is that Mike’s right, Jared’s apparently his muse, Jensen needs him to be here. Only, Jensen can’t see it happening. Not with Jared being what he is. Not with Jensen so obviously twisted and wrapped around his own feelings.
“He makes you write, Jen. That’s good.” Mike slurs and stumbles against Sandy when he loses his grip on the bar top.
“I do?” And of course Jared has to choose that moment to show up. Perfect timing, and Jensen starts to think that it’s really Jared’s purpose, to be there at all the right moments in Jensen’s life.
“This new song ... it’s because of me?” Jared sounds positively shocked, obviously not really knowing how to react or what to say. Jensen can totally relate to that. He feels the same way most of the time Jared’s around.
Jensen isn’t sober anymore, he almost blurts out that Jared already has a well paying job but then remembers that Jared might not want everyone to know about it. It’s kinda taboo and all that. So he just looks at Jared and nods. Then gets cross-eyed and dizzy.
“Words were just there, you know. After we danced. Can feel new ones already. And it’s always when you are around.”
This time Chris doesn’t even snort anymore, he outright laughs. “Oh, this is good. Jenny, you’re drunk.”
“Sure am. This show fucking rocked.” Jensen grins and then manages to flop around and order another shot. He’s not sure he can deal with Jared being around.
Mike makes Jared drink one as well, makes everyone talk and Jensen stops listening. They discuss Jared, the new job and Jensen’s life takes a turn he hadn’t seen coming. It feels a little like being flung around in a car he's lost control of.
It’s later, much later, when Jared says yes. To what Jensen is too drunk to realize.
They stumbled to their hotel, not going home tonight because the bus is leaving early and Jensen hears Mike making Jared promise to be there. Why this is important he forgets on the way to the hotel room but then Jared’s pressed against him for a unknown reasons and Jensen can’t think anymore anyway.
Jensen feels like falling and he has no idea when and where he will land.
Jared really ends up taking the job, shows up at the hotel and tells them that he has nothing to lose. His parents are there, his little sister as well and Jensen wonders if they know.
Jensen also briefly thinks that his clients must be disappointed and then just ducks his head and stays back when the rest of the band promise the Padaleckis the band'll look after their son. Jared’s grinning widely, only when he looks at Jensen does he falter a little.
Jensen knows he looks brooding and unwelcoming but he feels hung-over and not very sociable. He also tries to come up with ways to deal with Jared being around 24 hours now. It’s confusing, the way he wants Jared to be close and the way he wants to run and hide from him.
There's never been a person before that has Jensen so bent out of shape, so very confused and it’s just not clear to him how should be dealing with it.
“Hi Jensen,” Jared says, standing right in front of him. Jensen blinks, realizes that everyone’s already inside. Jared’s family's gone and they're alone. Jensen’s feelings are suddenly all over the place, so he does what he can do best, he flees the situation. With a grunt, Jensen boards the bus and leaves Jared standing there.
He feels Danni’s eyes on and tries not to care. This time the thump of tires and the hum of the engine make him nervous. He feels trapped, caged in with no way out and Jared has only been with them for less than an hour.
Part III