Fic: Never To Break You (20)
Your commenntttssss <3 AND ALL THE QUOTING. I absolutely love it when people do that!
also, hi to all the new people that added me! You know, feel free to say hi, I've never even seen most of you before hahaha
Seriously, I won't bite.
The only reason Kevin is even capable of taking Maxim home the next morning is because he can drive away knowing he’ll be back tonight. It’s still hard, though, after seeing Maxim barefoot in his kitchen, borrowed boxers slung low on his hips, looking at Kevin like he wanted to stay, and Kevin spends the entire rest of the day wondering what’s so important that Maxim always leaves him for it.
He spends the rest of the day looking up ice rinks for his and Dan’s renovation project, texting Alex using as many big words as he can, going to the gym and distracting himself any way he can until it’s finally seven and he can go pick up Maxim again.
Maxim kisses him at the door like it’s been a lot longer than a handful of hours, follows Kevin to his car. “So, sushi,” Kevin says once he’s shut the car door. Maxim arches an eyebrow.
“Are chopsticks mandatory?”
“Yes, absolutely.”
“Should be interesting.”
“I feel like your dexterity could be better?”
“My dexterity is fine!” Maxim pauses, “that’s how good you are with your hands, right?”
“Yeah. And you can always get better.”
“You’re like the Hallmark of handjobs or something.”
“No one said handjobs, technically” Kevin shoots a smirk at Maxim, who just laughs. “Besides, I love this place,” he says, “so I wanted to show it to you. It’s on that list.”
“You have a list?” Maxim asks, and there’s maybe a note of hopefulness there.
“Yeah. It’s kinda long, so it’ll take a while. Keep adding new things to it.” He kind of hopes Maxim has a list like that too, secretly, that one day, he’ll tell Kevin I like this, I want to share it with you, maybe even things that are really important to him, let Kevin see that too. Kevin’s list has things back in Ontario, places that mean the world to him, would mean even more if he could share them with Maxim. They’ll start with little restaurants he likes now, and someday, maybe he can take Maxim out to the little rink four blocks from his house, can say my first memory is of this place. Maybe someday, a day even farther from now, Maxim will take Kevin somewhere, will say this defines me. Even though they’re so far from that place that Kevin can’t even imagine where Maxim might take him, Kevin still knows that day has to exist.
“If-” Maxim starts, hesitates, “if I have a list, could we do it?”
“That’s the point of a list,” Kevin says, because he can’t say you have a list is it just for me tell me everything that’s on it please please. “So, yeah, course.” He’s dying to know what’s on it, from all the frivolous places that Maxim likes to the ones that changed him, but Maxim doesn’t add anything.
Once at the restaurant, Kevin laughs until he’s breathless at the faces Maxim makes at some of the menu items.
“They barbequed an eel?” Maxim asks him in a horrified whisper, and Kevin shrugs.
“You’d think it’d fall through the barbeque rack,” he muses, demonstrating a wiggling eel with his hand, snickers at the repulsed look on Maxim’s face. They both order sushi without any raw or eel elements, and Kevin’s amusement continues at how many times Maxim can drop a single piece.
“Did you take classes or something?” Maxim asks Kevin, once he’s resorted to stabbing techniques that make their waitress wince when she walks by to refill their water.
“I’m just really talented.”
“Right,” Maxim glances down again, “have you dated guys before?”
Kevin nearly chokes. “Um, what?”
“Just wondering?” His gaze flickers momentarily to Kevin’s face, but then he drops a chopstick and looks down again.
“Oh. Well, not seriously.” He’s been with guys before, between foreign city hookups and flings with people back at home, but admittedly hasn’t had a lot of experience with anything serious, and most of Kevin’s infatuations have stayed at that level. He possibly had a crush on Hamhuis, and he might have thought Alex was cute before Alex opened his mouth, but Kevin would admit that only under threat of death, if then.
“Think they’d make fun of me if I asked for a fork?” Maxim says next, and Kevin relaxes a little.
“No, but the fork does come with a balloon tied to it that says ‘I can’t use chopsticks.’ But if you can brave that, it’s fine.”
“Not that brave, sorry,” Maxim shakes his head. He looks at Kevin again for a moment. “Does your team try to set you up with people?”
Kevin’s a little more ready this time, but it still takes him a few seconds before he can put together an answer. “Naah. That’d be considered too close to actual work.”
“Does your team know you’re - into guys?”
“Only Kes and Burr.”
“How come?” Maxim’s biting his lip, nervous like he’s the one answering.
“Dunno, just haven’t had a reason to tell them, I guess,” Kevin shrugs a shoulder, pokes at a piece of sushi absent-mindedly, “it hasn’t come up. But I know they don’t care, so.”
“Oh.” Another pause, then, “are you gonna play for Vancouver for a long time?”
“Under contract and stuff, and I think they want to keep me for a long time.”
Maxim nods, looks distracted still. “Oh,” he says simply. Kevin kind of wants to ask what Maxim’s getting at, but then the waitress comes by again, and afterwards, Maxim acts like he never asked anything at all.
Once back at home, Kevin watches Maxim click through the Netflix queue and thinks about how he can ask. The thought of Maxim still working, of sharing him with other people, when Kevin wants Maxim to be all his, just his - Kevin can’t really handle it anymore. He bites the inside of his cheek, watches Maxim for a few moments; there’s tension in Maxim’s shoulders, he’s fidgety, hands restless, so Kevin leans over, kisses his ear.
“I was thinking,” he says, “there’s a ton of space here. You could totally keep some of your things here.” Maxim looks at him, indecipherable. “For example, all of it.”
“Why?” It’s quiet, but still hits Kevin hard enough that he fumbles for words.
“Well, it’d be convenient, right? Plus, then you could just stay. A lot. All the time.” He’d planned this a little more eloquently, but it’s kind of unnerving, because Maxim’s silent and anxious and Kevin’s less sure of himself with every word. He wants to know why Maxim isn’t saying anything, but it’s not like Kevin has ever known what Maxim’s thinking.
“But why?” Maxim presses, more urgently now, “why- why’re you doing all this? Everything? I don’t get it, I just - I don’t, I don’t-”
“You don’t?” Kevin would say more, say how can you not see that I just want you?, but his throat closes up a little, and it’s hard to talk.
“No,” Maxim says, so distressed, and Kevin doesn’t get it, he doesn’t, “why? Why’re you doing all of this, for me? It doesn’t make sense, it doesn’t, why?”
“I-”
“It doesn’t make sense,” Maxim stresses, voice nearly breaking, “I know who I am, I’m a random fucking hooker you met on the eastside, that’s it, and you’re you, okay, so I don’t get it, I just don’t.”
“I- but-” Kevin stammers, and he kind of wants to cry because Maxim’s so much more to him than that, and hasn’t he shown that? Is he really this much of a failure, this terrible at being in love with someone that Maxim doesn’t even know why Kevin’s here?
“Why’re you treating me like I matter?” Maxim whispers, and he’s so upset, so genuinely convinced that he doesn’t matter that Kevin can barely breathe, can’t think past that, because Maxim is his fucking world, and Maxim doesn’t see that and he doesn’t get it and that has to be Kevin’s fault, but he thought things were getting better, he really, really did. “Why?”
“Because - you - I - because you do, you’re not - you’re not just some - random hooker, fuck no - you matter so - so much - I - it’s-” Kevin struggles to put together a sentence, can’t remember anything but the hurt on Maxim’s face, the way he says like I matter as if the thought that he even could is impossible. “Everything’s - I love you, ‘s why - I can’t - you can’t- you-” he freezes when he realises what he said, but Maxim’s just silent, gaze downcast. “That’s why,” Kevin breathes, and he can breathe a little easier, because he’s said it, the worst is over. “Because I’m in love with you, Maxi.” He tugs Maxim into his arms and Maxim comes easily, but he’s quiet, still, and maybe that should have been Kevin’s first clue.
Kevin said it, though. He finally told Maxim, and maybe now everything will be okay, be better, because Maxim knows Kevin loves him, and that has to be important enough to change everything. It’s saved Kevin in so many ways, and that has to go both ways, has to be able to make Maxim feel the way Kevin does. Kevin’s never felt so strongly that he’s where he belongs, and that has to be what loving someone is for, to be able to share that feeling. Later, when they’re in bed and Maxim’s asleep across his chest, Kevin whispers I love you into his hair; everything’s going to be okay now. He can breathe now. Nothing’s going to hurt anymore, because now Maxim knows, and Kevin’s going to be able to love him. Now, everything can happen the way he knows it was always meant to.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Kevin wakes up alone.
His first instinct is to panic. He’s overly conscious of the weight that isn’t on his chest, the coldness of the sheets next to him, and it all feels wrong, but he sits up, forces himself to stay calm.
Maxim can’t be gone.
His clothes aren’t on the floor anymore, though, just Kevin’s. The bedroom door is open, and the apartment is dead silent. Kevin’s heart starts beating faster, but he tries to stay calm, not think, just focus on breathing slow and steady. Maxim’s here, he has to be here.
“Maxim?” he calls out, but there’s no answer.
No.
Kevin goes to check the other rooms, tries not to think, not until he’s sure, not until he knows, but with every room that turns up empty, something inside him starts to burn.
Not this. Please.
Kevin walks into the living room, but it’s empty, no sign that anyone’s been here, and this is the last room in the apartment.
Maxim is gone.
He’s just upset, Kevin tells himself, even as he can feel things start to fall apart, a burning and a breaking, like some part of him just knows. Kevin sinks down onto the couch, head in his hands.
No not this please please just not this.
It’ll be fine. Maxim will come back. He has to come back. He just - Kevin just told Maxim he loves him - but Maxim will come back, because that’s okay, that’s supposed to be okay.
Kevin wants to be surprised, but a small, traitorous part of him whispers I knew it.
(You guys asked for that.)
Next chapter
also, hi to all the new people that added me! You know, feel free to say hi, I've never even seen most of you before hahaha
Seriously, I won't bite.
The only reason Kevin is even capable of taking Maxim home the next morning is because he can drive away knowing he’ll be back tonight. It’s still hard, though, after seeing Maxim barefoot in his kitchen, borrowed boxers slung low on his hips, looking at Kevin like he wanted to stay, and Kevin spends the entire rest of the day wondering what’s so important that Maxim always leaves him for it.
He spends the rest of the day looking up ice rinks for his and Dan’s renovation project, texting Alex using as many big words as he can, going to the gym and distracting himself any way he can until it’s finally seven and he can go pick up Maxim again.
Maxim kisses him at the door like it’s been a lot longer than a handful of hours, follows Kevin to his car. “So, sushi,” Kevin says once he’s shut the car door. Maxim arches an eyebrow.
“Are chopsticks mandatory?”
“Yes, absolutely.”
“Should be interesting.”
“I feel like your dexterity could be better?”
“My dexterity is fine!” Maxim pauses, “that’s how good you are with your hands, right?”
“Yeah. And you can always get better.”
“You’re like the Hallmark of handjobs or something.”
“No one said handjobs, technically” Kevin shoots a smirk at Maxim, who just laughs. “Besides, I love this place,” he says, “so I wanted to show it to you. It’s on that list.”
“You have a list?” Maxim asks, and there’s maybe a note of hopefulness there.
“Yeah. It’s kinda long, so it’ll take a while. Keep adding new things to it.” He kind of hopes Maxim has a list like that too, secretly, that one day, he’ll tell Kevin I like this, I want to share it with you, maybe even things that are really important to him, let Kevin see that too. Kevin’s list has things back in Ontario, places that mean the world to him, would mean even more if he could share them with Maxim. They’ll start with little restaurants he likes now, and someday, maybe he can take Maxim out to the little rink four blocks from his house, can say my first memory is of this place. Maybe someday, a day even farther from now, Maxim will take Kevin somewhere, will say this defines me. Even though they’re so far from that place that Kevin can’t even imagine where Maxim might take him, Kevin still knows that day has to exist.
“If-” Maxim starts, hesitates, “if I have a list, could we do it?”
“That’s the point of a list,” Kevin says, because he can’t say you have a list is it just for me tell me everything that’s on it please please. “So, yeah, course.” He’s dying to know what’s on it, from all the frivolous places that Maxim likes to the ones that changed him, but Maxim doesn’t add anything.
Once at the restaurant, Kevin laughs until he’s breathless at the faces Maxim makes at some of the menu items.
“They barbequed an eel?” Maxim asks him in a horrified whisper, and Kevin shrugs.
“You’d think it’d fall through the barbeque rack,” he muses, demonstrating a wiggling eel with his hand, snickers at the repulsed look on Maxim’s face. They both order sushi without any raw or eel elements, and Kevin’s amusement continues at how many times Maxim can drop a single piece.
“Did you take classes or something?” Maxim asks Kevin, once he’s resorted to stabbing techniques that make their waitress wince when she walks by to refill their water.
“I’m just really talented.”
“Right,” Maxim glances down again, “have you dated guys before?”
Kevin nearly chokes. “Um, what?”
“Just wondering?” His gaze flickers momentarily to Kevin’s face, but then he drops a chopstick and looks down again.
“Oh. Well, not seriously.” He’s been with guys before, between foreign city hookups and flings with people back at home, but admittedly hasn’t had a lot of experience with anything serious, and most of Kevin’s infatuations have stayed at that level. He possibly had a crush on Hamhuis, and he might have thought Alex was cute before Alex opened his mouth, but Kevin would admit that only under threat of death, if then.
“Think they’d make fun of me if I asked for a fork?” Maxim says next, and Kevin relaxes a little.
“No, but the fork does come with a balloon tied to it that says ‘I can’t use chopsticks.’ But if you can brave that, it’s fine.”
“Not that brave, sorry,” Maxim shakes his head. He looks at Kevin again for a moment. “Does your team try to set you up with people?”
Kevin’s a little more ready this time, but it still takes him a few seconds before he can put together an answer. “Naah. That’d be considered too close to actual work.”
“Does your team know you’re - into guys?”
“Only Kes and Burr.”
“How come?” Maxim’s biting his lip, nervous like he’s the one answering.
“Dunno, just haven’t had a reason to tell them, I guess,” Kevin shrugs a shoulder, pokes at a piece of sushi absent-mindedly, “it hasn’t come up. But I know they don’t care, so.”
“Oh.” Another pause, then, “are you gonna play for Vancouver for a long time?”
“Under contract and stuff, and I think they want to keep me for a long time.”
Maxim nods, looks distracted still. “Oh,” he says simply. Kevin kind of wants to ask what Maxim’s getting at, but then the waitress comes by again, and afterwards, Maxim acts like he never asked anything at all.
Once back at home, Kevin watches Maxim click through the Netflix queue and thinks about how he can ask. The thought of Maxim still working, of sharing him with other people, when Kevin wants Maxim to be all his, just his - Kevin can’t really handle it anymore. He bites the inside of his cheek, watches Maxim for a few moments; there’s tension in Maxim’s shoulders, he’s fidgety, hands restless, so Kevin leans over, kisses his ear.
“I was thinking,” he says, “there’s a ton of space here. You could totally keep some of your things here.” Maxim looks at him, indecipherable. “For example, all of it.”
“Why?” It’s quiet, but still hits Kevin hard enough that he fumbles for words.
“Well, it’d be convenient, right? Plus, then you could just stay. A lot. All the time.” He’d planned this a little more eloquently, but it’s kind of unnerving, because Maxim’s silent and anxious and Kevin’s less sure of himself with every word. He wants to know why Maxim isn’t saying anything, but it’s not like Kevin has ever known what Maxim’s thinking.
“But why?” Maxim presses, more urgently now, “why- why’re you doing all this? Everything? I don’t get it, I just - I don’t, I don’t-”
“You don’t?” Kevin would say more, say how can you not see that I just want you?, but his throat closes up a little, and it’s hard to talk.
“No,” Maxim says, so distressed, and Kevin doesn’t get it, he doesn’t, “why? Why’re you doing all of this, for me? It doesn’t make sense, it doesn’t, why?”
“I-”
“It doesn’t make sense,” Maxim stresses, voice nearly breaking, “I know who I am, I’m a random fucking hooker you met on the eastside, that’s it, and you’re you, okay, so I don’t get it, I just don’t.”
“I- but-” Kevin stammers, and he kind of wants to cry because Maxim’s so much more to him than that, and hasn’t he shown that? Is he really this much of a failure, this terrible at being in love with someone that Maxim doesn’t even know why Kevin’s here?
“Why’re you treating me like I matter?” Maxim whispers, and he’s so upset, so genuinely convinced that he doesn’t matter that Kevin can barely breathe, can’t think past that, because Maxim is his fucking world, and Maxim doesn’t see that and he doesn’t get it and that has to be Kevin’s fault, but he thought things were getting better, he really, really did. “Why?”
“Because - you - I - because you do, you’re not - you’re not just some - random hooker, fuck no - you matter so - so much - I - it’s-” Kevin struggles to put together a sentence, can’t remember anything but the hurt on Maxim’s face, the way he says like I matter as if the thought that he even could is impossible. “Everything’s - I love you, ‘s why - I can’t - you can’t- you-” he freezes when he realises what he said, but Maxim’s just silent, gaze downcast. “That’s why,” Kevin breathes, and he can breathe a little easier, because he’s said it, the worst is over. “Because I’m in love with you, Maxi.” He tugs Maxim into his arms and Maxim comes easily, but he’s quiet, still, and maybe that should have been Kevin’s first clue.
Kevin said it, though. He finally told Maxim, and maybe now everything will be okay, be better, because Maxim knows Kevin loves him, and that has to be important enough to change everything. It’s saved Kevin in so many ways, and that has to go both ways, has to be able to make Maxim feel the way Kevin does. Kevin’s never felt so strongly that he’s where he belongs, and that has to be what loving someone is for, to be able to share that feeling. Later, when they’re in bed and Maxim’s asleep across his chest, Kevin whispers I love you into his hair; everything’s going to be okay now. He can breathe now. Nothing’s going to hurt anymore, because now Maxim knows, and Kevin’s going to be able to love him. Now, everything can happen the way he knows it was always meant to.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Kevin wakes up alone.
His first instinct is to panic. He’s overly conscious of the weight that isn’t on his chest, the coldness of the sheets next to him, and it all feels wrong, but he sits up, forces himself to stay calm.
Maxim can’t be gone.
His clothes aren’t on the floor anymore, though, just Kevin’s. The bedroom door is open, and the apartment is dead silent. Kevin’s heart starts beating faster, but he tries to stay calm, not think, just focus on breathing slow and steady. Maxim’s here, he has to be here.
“Maxim?” he calls out, but there’s no answer.
No.
Kevin goes to check the other rooms, tries not to think, not until he’s sure, not until he knows, but with every room that turns up empty, something inside him starts to burn.
Not this. Please.
Kevin walks into the living room, but it’s empty, no sign that anyone’s been here, and this is the last room in the apartment.
Maxim is gone.
He’s just upset, Kevin tells himself, even as he can feel things start to fall apart, a burning and a breaking, like some part of him just knows. Kevin sinks down onto the couch, head in his hands.
No not this please please just not this.
It’ll be fine. Maxim will come back. He has to come back. He just - Kevin just told Maxim he loves him - but Maxim will come back, because that’s okay, that’s supposed to be okay.
Kevin wants to be surprised, but a small, traitorous part of him whispers I knew it.
(You guys asked for that.)
Next chapter