fic: Things That Don't Exist (Part 5/?)
Well, livejournal is pretty obviously not conductive to posting like this. Um.. I'll just stick chapter links.. everywhere. Yeah.
Part 1 http://ice-hot-13.livejournal.com/12295.html
Part 2 http://ice-hot-13.livejournal.com/12098.html
Part 3 http://ice-hot-13.livejournal.com/12013.html
Part 4 http://ice-hot-13.livejournal.com/11654.html
Duncan doesn’t know what’s going on. The only thing he knows is that he misses Brent. Brent’s always been the only thing he knows.
It’s March, almost April, and Brent’s been avoiding him. There’s no real way around that. He hasn’t seen Seabs since February. Back in February, the trainer told them that Brent wasn’t going to be able to play for the rest of the season, due to some condition. Something internal, was the gist of it; there rumours that it had something to do with kidneys, maybe, or an immune system thing. The trainer had said that maybe Brent would come back to watch games from the press box, or something, but that hadn’t been what Duncan needed to hear. He needed to hear it from Seabs, because he didn’t know anything right now. He didn’t know if Brent was in hospital, doing okay, feeling miserable, not anything.
Duncan hated not knowing, when it came to Brent.
“Hey,” Kelly says softly from across the bed, her little hand laid flat on his back. “Is something wrong?”
This is one of the many ways he knows they aren’t right together, this way they aren’t tuned in to each other. There are things that are easy to fake, and being in sync is not one of them.
“No,” Duncan says, and it’s another thing that’s wrong, that he could lie to her, she could lie to him, and not be found out immediately.
She kisses the back of his neck and turns away from him.
Duncan doesn’t like sharing a bed. He can’t sleep well when he’s worried about crushing tiny Kelly when he rolls over, doesn’t sleep well with someone in his arms he’s afraid of holding too hard. And, as if Duncan needed any more signs, this is how he knows he’s doomed.
0o0o0o0o0o
Practice has become nothing short of unbearable. Duncan can’t stand to look at the man standing in for Seabs, and their drills together go haywire because it’s hard to pass without looking, because he doesn’t automatically know where the kid is. Duncan’s learned to play without his sixth sense, beacuse when Seabs and him were put on different lines, he lost the ability to know where his d-partner is at all times, beacuse that only works for Brent. As it were, he could be sitting on the bench, watching the goal and still know exactly where Brent hovered by the blue line. Right now, that piece of his consciousness is unused, searching helplessly.
After practice, Duncan tries steadfastly to avoid looking at Brent’s stall, as if he weren’t hyper aware of the fact that Brent wasn’t there. Someone sits down on his other side, elbows him.
“You alright?” It’s Jonny, that weirdly deep voice unmistakable. Duncan shrugs a shoulder.
“It’s March,” he says, the kind of seeming-non-sequitor that would have made Kelly blink at him in confusion.
“I know,” Jonny says, and he’s not confirming that he’s looked at a calendar recently, he’s saying Brent’s been gone for a long time, hasn’t he.
“Do you...” Duncan hesitates, aware of how rediculous what he’s going to say will sound, “d’you think he’d forgive me if I tried to find out?” A look of acute hurt flashes across Jonny’s face, almost imperceptably fast, but it’s gone as soon as Duncan sees it.
“You’re his best friend,” Jonny says, “what if he was disappointed you didn’t?” There’s a weird rawness to this, and Duncan looks across the room to Kane’s stall. Patrick’s tying up his trainers, not saying a word to anyone.
“I guess you haven’t done it yet?” Duncan asks, looking back at Jonny. His question is answered pretty much immediately, no words needed. Underneath Jonny’s t-shirt, Duncan can make out the bulky attachments to his necklace. The tiny cross, which he knew was more habit than devotion, and the ring that slid around next to it. Jonny shakes his head.
“It’ll be a lot of paperwork,” he says. Duncan’s parents divorced when he was seventeen; he knows that if it needs to be done, if they want it that badly, it can be done fairly quickly. Quicker than this, in any case.
“Jon,” he says, nothing more. He watches Kane instead, who doesn’t walk over like Duncan now realizes Jonny wants him to, because Jonny’s the one who’s disappointed his best friend is just accepting strange behaviour, not doing everything in his power to figure out the reason.
0o0o0o0o0o
In Duncan’s mind, he’s James Bond. Definitely.
He’s basically stalking Brent. Duncan waits for nearly two hours, watching the parkade to Brent’s apartment building, and finally, finally, it’s Brent’s car that leaves.
Duncan feels less like a badass secret agent and more like a shameless stalker, but he follows Brent to a little shopping centre. He parks a row over and watches.
Brent looks totally fine. It’s more of a relief than Duncan had expected it to be, but Brent looks totally normal, he’s wearing the hoodie he always wears, and he looks just like he always does. Duncan’s thoughts are derailed, though, when he watches Brent walk up the stairs, and go into a store.
Things are starting to make a little more sense; they’re not comforting in any way, but at least they’re making sense.
Ten minutes later, he’s banging on Jonny’s front door relentlessly. Jonny looks less than pleased when he opens the door, and gives Duncan an unimpressed look.
“Is something on fire?”
“A girl is pregnant,” Duncan gasps out. Jonny arches an eyebrow, looks into the hallway behind Duncan.
“And...? That happens, you know. Frequently. No need for alarm.”
“Shut up and let me in.”
Jonny shrugs and does so. His apartment is a mess, which is to say, it looks like Duncan’s does when it’s clean. Even at his messiest, Jonny is still ridiculously organised.
“I sort of followed Brent,” Duncan says. “And I think I know why he’s avoiding me. I mean, I’m not sure - but-”
“Why is he?” Jonny’s straightforwardness is something that Duncan took a while to get used to. He was always surprised that Jonny and Patrick got along so well; Patrick talks in circles around a point like he’s in a maze, while Jonny acts like it’s the centre of a dartboard he’s throwing darts at with precision and perfect aim.
“I saw him going into a store for like, baby stuff. I think he got a girl pregnant.” The gravity of this hits him as he says it, and Jonny’s looking at him with the kind of sympathy that says he’s already figured it out.
“I’m sorry, Duncs,” Jonny says quietly. Duncan doesn’t stay long, just goes home to an empty house and fails to stop thinking about it.
Some part of Duncan had been clinging to the idea that maybe, despite all evidence otherwise, it wasn’t hopeless. Realistically, though, he was crushed in November, and should have known he’d never recover. That first night, he’d thought things were going to change. He’d thought he’d wake up with Brent in his arms, and never have to let go again. In reality, he woke up to find that Brent had moved to the other bed. The second time, it had happened again, and he’d had to accept that whatever he’d thought there was between them just didn’t exist.
He’s been waiting for something that hasn’t happened yet, and probably never will. Everything he does is an attempt to make Brent realize that Duncan wants him to do something, but it’s never worked, because he couldn’t confess something he didn’t feel.
The only reason Duncan had moved in with Kelly was because he’d been hoping that something drastic would bring him proof that those two nights weren’t just a mistake, but that proof never did come.
Now, though, it’s obvious that Brent isn’t ever going to want him like that, and there was no real point in trying to shock or alarm him into confessing so. Brent's with some woman he never mentioned, they're going to have a baby, and an entire life Duncan will have no part of. Everything he'd been trying to get, it's already been taken by someone else, and no amount of drastic steps he takes with his own passionless relationship will get Brent back, because he never had Brent to begin with. That weekend, Duncan moves out.
0o0o0o0o0o
Hopefully, more soon! I've got winter break starting on the 20th!! (Well, kind of. I have my stupid English final, which I HAVE to do amazing on, because it contributes to whether I'll get into English, and if I don't get into the major, I'll have to leave this university AND VANCOUVER and transfer! It's so scary :( anyhow, I'll be in hospital for a bit on like, wednesday, so the update might be super soon, or a few days away. Or something.)
(Also, can I just say, dude! This is an mpreg! I never thought I'd write one of those! haha)
Also, thanks for sticking around for the updates :)
Part 1 http://ice-hot-13.livejournal.com/12295.html
Part 2 http://ice-hot-13.livejournal.com/12098.html
Part 3 http://ice-hot-13.livejournal.com/12013.html
Part 4 http://ice-hot-13.livejournal.com/11654.html
Part 1 http://ice-hot-13.livejournal.com/12295.html
Part 2 http://ice-hot-13.livejournal.com/12098.html
Part 3 http://ice-hot-13.livejournal.com/12013.html
Part 4 http://ice-hot-13.livejournal.com/11654.html
Duncan doesn’t know what’s going on. The only thing he knows is that he misses Brent. Brent’s always been the only thing he knows.
It’s March, almost April, and Brent’s been avoiding him. There’s no real way around that. He hasn’t seen Seabs since February. Back in February, the trainer told them that Brent wasn’t going to be able to play for the rest of the season, due to some condition. Something internal, was the gist of it; there rumours that it had something to do with kidneys, maybe, or an immune system thing. The trainer had said that maybe Brent would come back to watch games from the press box, or something, but that hadn’t been what Duncan needed to hear. He needed to hear it from Seabs, because he didn’t know anything right now. He didn’t know if Brent was in hospital, doing okay, feeling miserable, not anything.
Duncan hated not knowing, when it came to Brent.
“Hey,” Kelly says softly from across the bed, her little hand laid flat on his back. “Is something wrong?”
This is one of the many ways he knows they aren’t right together, this way they aren’t tuned in to each other. There are things that are easy to fake, and being in sync is not one of them.
“No,” Duncan says, and it’s another thing that’s wrong, that he could lie to her, she could lie to him, and not be found out immediately.
She kisses the back of his neck and turns away from him.
Duncan doesn’t like sharing a bed. He can’t sleep well when he’s worried about crushing tiny Kelly when he rolls over, doesn’t sleep well with someone in his arms he’s afraid of holding too hard. And, as if Duncan needed any more signs, this is how he knows he’s doomed.
0o0o0o0o0o
Practice has become nothing short of unbearable. Duncan can’t stand to look at the man standing in for Seabs, and their drills together go haywire because it’s hard to pass without looking, because he doesn’t automatically know where the kid is. Duncan’s learned to play without his sixth sense, beacuse when Seabs and him were put on different lines, he lost the ability to know where his d-partner is at all times, beacuse that only works for Brent. As it were, he could be sitting on the bench, watching the goal and still know exactly where Brent hovered by the blue line. Right now, that piece of his consciousness is unused, searching helplessly.
After practice, Duncan tries steadfastly to avoid looking at Brent’s stall, as if he weren’t hyper aware of the fact that Brent wasn’t there. Someone sits down on his other side, elbows him.
“You alright?” It’s Jonny, that weirdly deep voice unmistakable. Duncan shrugs a shoulder.
“It’s March,” he says, the kind of seeming-non-sequitor that would have made Kelly blink at him in confusion.
“I know,” Jonny says, and he’s not confirming that he’s looked at a calendar recently, he’s saying Brent’s been gone for a long time, hasn’t he.
“Do you...” Duncan hesitates, aware of how rediculous what he’s going to say will sound, “d’you think he’d forgive me if I tried to find out?” A look of acute hurt flashes across Jonny’s face, almost imperceptably fast, but it’s gone as soon as Duncan sees it.
“You’re his best friend,” Jonny says, “what if he was disappointed you didn’t?” There’s a weird rawness to this, and Duncan looks across the room to Kane’s stall. Patrick’s tying up his trainers, not saying a word to anyone.
“I guess you haven’t done it yet?” Duncan asks, looking back at Jonny. His question is answered pretty much immediately, no words needed. Underneath Jonny’s t-shirt, Duncan can make out the bulky attachments to his necklace. The tiny cross, which he knew was more habit than devotion, and the ring that slid around next to it. Jonny shakes his head.
“It’ll be a lot of paperwork,” he says. Duncan’s parents divorced when he was seventeen; he knows that if it needs to be done, if they want it that badly, it can be done fairly quickly. Quicker than this, in any case.
“Jon,” he says, nothing more. He watches Kane instead, who doesn’t walk over like Duncan now realizes Jonny wants him to, because Jonny’s the one who’s disappointed his best friend is just accepting strange behaviour, not doing everything in his power to figure out the reason.
0o0o0o0o0o
In Duncan’s mind, he’s James Bond. Definitely.
He’s basically stalking Brent. Duncan waits for nearly two hours, watching the parkade to Brent’s apartment building, and finally, finally, it’s Brent’s car that leaves.
Duncan feels less like a badass secret agent and more like a shameless stalker, but he follows Brent to a little shopping centre. He parks a row over and watches.
Brent looks totally fine. It’s more of a relief than Duncan had expected it to be, but Brent looks totally normal, he’s wearing the hoodie he always wears, and he looks just like he always does. Duncan’s thoughts are derailed, though, when he watches Brent walk up the stairs, and go into a store.
Things are starting to make a little more sense; they’re not comforting in any way, but at least they’re making sense.
Ten minutes later, he’s banging on Jonny’s front door relentlessly. Jonny looks less than pleased when he opens the door, and gives Duncan an unimpressed look.
“Is something on fire?”
“A girl is pregnant,” Duncan gasps out. Jonny arches an eyebrow, looks into the hallway behind Duncan.
“And...? That happens, you know. Frequently. No need for alarm.”
“Shut up and let me in.”
Jonny shrugs and does so. His apartment is a mess, which is to say, it looks like Duncan’s does when it’s clean. Even at his messiest, Jonny is still ridiculously organised.
“I sort of followed Brent,” Duncan says. “And I think I know why he’s avoiding me. I mean, I’m not sure - but-”
“Why is he?” Jonny’s straightforwardness is something that Duncan took a while to get used to. He was always surprised that Jonny and Patrick got along so well; Patrick talks in circles around a point like he’s in a maze, while Jonny acts like it’s the centre of a dartboard he’s throwing darts at with precision and perfect aim.
“I saw him going into a store for like, baby stuff. I think he got a girl pregnant.” The gravity of this hits him as he says it, and Jonny’s looking at him with the kind of sympathy that says he’s already figured it out.
“I’m sorry, Duncs,” Jonny says quietly. Duncan doesn’t stay long, just goes home to an empty house and fails to stop thinking about it.
Some part of Duncan had been clinging to the idea that maybe, despite all evidence otherwise, it wasn’t hopeless. Realistically, though, he was crushed in November, and should have known he’d never recover. That first night, he’d thought things were going to change. He’d thought he’d wake up with Brent in his arms, and never have to let go again. In reality, he woke up to find that Brent had moved to the other bed. The second time, it had happened again, and he’d had to accept that whatever he’d thought there was between them just didn’t exist.
He’s been waiting for something that hasn’t happened yet, and probably never will. Everything he does is an attempt to make Brent realize that Duncan wants him to do something, but it’s never worked, because he couldn’t confess something he didn’t feel.
The only reason Duncan had moved in with Kelly was because he’d been hoping that something drastic would bring him proof that those two nights weren’t just a mistake, but that proof never did come.
Now, though, it’s obvious that Brent isn’t ever going to want him like that, and there was no real point in trying to shock or alarm him into confessing so. Brent's with some woman he never mentioned, they're going to have a baby, and an entire life Duncan will have no part of. Everything he'd been trying to get, it's already been taken by someone else, and no amount of drastic steps he takes with his own passionless relationship will get Brent back, because he never had Brent to begin with. That weekend, Duncan moves out.
0o0o0o0o0o
Hopefully, more soon! I've got winter break starting on the 20th!! (Well, kind of. I have my stupid English final, which I HAVE to do amazing on, because it contributes to whether I'll get into English, and if I don't get into the major, I'll have to leave this university AND VANCOUVER and transfer! It's so scary :( anyhow, I'll be in hospital for a bit on like, wednesday, so the update might be super soon, or a few days away. Or something.)
(Also, can I just say, dude! This is an mpreg! I never thought I'd write one of those! haha)
Also, thanks for sticking around for the updates :)
Part 1 http://ice-hot-13.livejournal.com/12295.html
Part 2 http://ice-hot-13.livejournal.com/12098.html
Part 3 http://ice-hot-13.livejournal.com/12013.html
Part 4 http://ice-hot-13.livejournal.com/11654.html