[story] i talk to a mystery man in my head
author: REI (rei_kurasaki)
There is a graveyard behind his apartment.
He isn’t bothered by it; he has to walk pass it most mornings to get to work, and nights to get back. It’s quiet and peaceful and calm.
Must be nice, he thinks.
He lives alone, in an airy two-room apartment he once shared with his ex-girlfriend. She's joined Greenpeace.
The apartment is next to a rickety bus stop, and the buses honk when they pass. He has three cacti in his living room, on top of his television set. Sometimes black birds sit outside his window and peck at the seeds he has in the feeder.
There’s a stereo by the wall, and for the past week, it’s been playing ELLEGARDEN.
He’s starting to play the songs in his head.
Hey Mr. Complaint, yeah my life is shit.
On weekends, he airs out his futon and peers over the balcony into the graveyard while he beats the dusts out.
The grey flecks catch in the sunlight and through the haze, he thinks he can see someone move through the headstones.
Blinking, he realises that his eyes had been playing tricks on him.
On special days, he goes to the small neglected shrine next to the graveyard and brings a small broom and a basket of fruits.
It's two months early for O-Bon, but the graveyard looks a little desolate, and a little lonely, so he brings a large bottle of the island’s finest awamori and an old broom. He takes the time to clear creeping weeds away from silent headstones and leaves streams of clear sake out on the headstones.
There is someone else in the shrine today, a tall solitary man with long neat hair.
The tall man has eyes the colour of the smooth river stones, and a presence so strong he looks away and bows, low and deep.
「 Thank you for taking care of them 」, says the tall man and he murmurs something depreciatory in return.
He listens to his voice as it echoes over the dirty stone path and thinks about offering the tall man a drink.
(The sake bottle in his hand feels cold, and heavy.)
The wind is gentle tonight, and the stars have come out to play, so he sits on cool stone steps, with an empty bottle of liquor next to him. He feels a little drunk and a little warm and the world spins him round and round until he has no choice but to follow.
The tall man sits next to him, with his knees neatly folded and smiles, smelling like alcohol and rain.
They talk about the neglected tombstones behind them, and they talk about the stars and the fine flavour of the sake. They don’t talk about the rumbles of the buses that amble by slowly, or what sort of a job he has, or why he always leaves seeds out for the birds.
When he leaves, the tall man holds onto his hand for a second more than necessary.
The next morning, he wakes up to see that one of his three cacti has flowered.
He waters it, and leaves just in time to catch the bus into town.
On Tuesdays, his ex-girlfriends drops by, and brings him dinner and a bag of grocery. Tonight, she brings Chinese food and two frozen boxes of shui mai that she crams into his fridge.
She whirls around the apartment in a mixture of pink and black, leaving behind a faint scent of white musk. Her hands move in a flurry of motion: up, down, left, right, front, back. You haven’t changed the seeds, Yuji. Why do you only have instant noodles again, Yuji. The floor’s getting dusty, Yuji.
「 Mio 」, he says, and she pauses long enough to look at him, hands on slender hips before her attention is snatched away by the flowering cacti.
For dinner, he eats fried rice with soy products instead of real meat.
He is five minutes away from his apartment block before he notices the cat sitting on the ledge staring at him with large gold eyes.
「 Hello 」, he says, and strokes her, slow and steady as she arches up and purrs into his hand.
Then, she straightens up and arches her back, hissing at a moving shadow and a familiar tall man with dark eyes smiles.
「 Run along, little cat 」, the tall man says and his lips curve into a feral smile.
She snarls once, before bolting into the night.
They sit on the old wooden bench outside the apartment and the tall man listens while Yuji talks about his flowering cacti and how his ex-girlfriend used to burp into his face in the mornings.
The moon makes her slow trek across the sky and he watches her movement, like how he watches the tall man’s shadow lengthen and shorten by the flickering apartment lights.
「 Drink with me 」, the tall man says, 「 drink with me again when the moon is full. 」
The week passes slowly, agonizingly so. Tuesday come and go with a large paper bag left outside his apartment door and a handwritten note in Mio’s messy hand;
Yuji,
Gone to chase whaling ships, be back in three weeks! :D
Mio
PS: If I see any more instant ramen when I come back, I’m throwing all of them out.
He keeps the note, stuck to the refrigerator with a magnet of a dolphin and the words “OKINAWA AQUARIUM” blazoned across it in ugly white letters.
The ELLEGARDEN CD is collecting dust, so he picks it up and brushes it once. Then sets it down again.
Perhaps he should change the CD.
Clearly, I'm doing something wrong.
It's a Wednesday night when he sees the tall man again.
「 Hello 」, he says then as an afterthought adds, 「 there isn’t a full moon tonight. 」
The tall man smiles like a cat, full of secrets and unspoken words - a beautifully curved mouth.
「 But I wanted to see you 」, he says, and Yuji feels the words seep into his bones, like heavy tea settling in a china-bone cup.
It's late and he has work tomorrow. He sits down on a cold metal bench in the nearby park and digs around his plastic bag for a wrapped kimchi onigiri. He fumbles with the plastic wrapping, but the tall man doesn't seem to mind, merely sits next to him with his legs neatly crossed.
Yuji offers him a bite, more out of habit than of respect and doesn't show his surprise when it's declined.
They sit and talk while Yuji eats his dinner of store-bought onigiri and drinks apple tea.
The tall man points to the half moon in the sky and says, 「 one cannot exist on the same time as the other 」, he turns to Yuji and smiles his curved smile again, 「 but they will meet, for a brief moment, nonetheless. 」
There's a hidden meaning somewhere, Yuji thinks, and looks away from the tall man's knowing eyes.
Before they part, the taller man leans down and brush his lips against Yuji's ear, the full moon is in three weeks, the whisper snakes its way down his belly and it lingers in a haze of warmth, you promised you'll drink with me then.
There is the press of lips against his, and a curl of warm breath, before Yuji realises that he's alone again.
(week o1)
The next day he wakes up just as the sun breaks over the sky. It's warm, but he shivers. I have to feed the birds today and not, I'm going to be late.
As he gets up, he realises (belatedly) that the sheets need to be changed.
It's Wednesday, which means he gets to sit at home and watch the birds peck at the seeds in his feeder. It also means that by the time he comes back from work, fishermen at the docks are preparing to go out to sea. When he walks back to his apartment, the crunch of shoes on gravel is startlingly loud.
Fridays involves him sleeping until the sun shines on his face and he's forced to flip to the other side of the bed. His dream is filled with colour and vivid flashes of red and the cloying scent of fresh sake.
(week 2)
If he sits down and pauses, he can feel that tiny little flare in his belly. Only now, it's not a flare, more like a flame that licks the insides of his stomach. Out of curiosity, he puts a hand on it; his skin feels warm and he can feel his ribs rise and fall. It's not burning but it was a stupid thought anyway.
The graveyard calls to him, with their rustling leaves and the sighing wind. When the leaves shakes in the shadow, he thinks that he hears his name being called instead.
Yuji, come back.
On Thursday, his second cacti flowers, a beautiful, waxy red.
It looks a little like blood.
(week 3)
It's Wednesday and if his calendar is right, Friday will have a full moon. That thought disturbs him - so he tells himself, it's just a drink. The wind is blowing outside and the temperature is dropping. The leaves have started to age to yellow, and the brittle cold is starting to seep through the cracks in the walls. Every time the wind blows, he can hear his name.
Yuji.
Yuji.
Come with me, Yuji.
Yuji sleeps with the windows closed.
On Friday night, when he's halfway between the bus-stop and the apartment, he notices the tall man sitting on the bench by the stairs to the apartment. The crunch of shoes on gravel is loud. He watches the man as he watches him, dark eyes opaque. The familiar curving smile is there, so Yuji stops, an arms length away and cocks his head.
「 It's a full moon 」; the tall man says with a smile, 「 will you drink with me tonight? 」
Yuji sees the sake bottle by the tall man's feet, heavy bottomed and slender necked.
I'm sorry, Yuji thinks, but the words do not come out.
When he's sitting on the cold stone temple steps, sipping wine so sweet and delicate it paints his ears red, he realises something.
「 Who are you? 」, he asks, the question dulled by the wine and the stars and the tall man's smile.
「 Do you like the wine? 」, the tall man asks, and his voice is low and musical, much like the murmurings of the trees that has been calling him for the last few weeks. Yuji closes his eyes and listens and watches an image being painted behind his eyelids, bursts of breathless colours.
When he opens his eyes, the world is still spinning, the stars are still shining, the moon is still hanging in the sky, wane and heavy. The tall man is watching him, his pale face framed by long black hair and for a dizzying moment Yuji thinks he looks just like a doll.
Then there is the curve of lips and the lowering of dark eyes, before the tall man offers another drink.
The sake in his cup is still and calm and cold.
「 Who are you? 」, he asks again and watches the pale face with the curving smile.
The tall man lowers his heads, once and looks up at the moon. She's low in the sky, heavy and pale. Something flashes, just once, in Yuji's mind, only to dance away again. His head feels heavy and he's thinks he's tipsy. The tall man stretches out one hand and Yuji closes his eyes at the feel of fingers on his skin. It's cold, so he opens his eyes and says so.
「 I apologise 」, the tall man says, withdrawing his hand and lowering his dark eyes. There is a flash of loneliness and an empty ache, thinks Yuji.
When the tall man leans over and kisses him though, it's like fire and ice, and there's a rush of rush of blood down to his groin at the hot tongue in his mouth. Pulling back, the tall man holds on to Yuji's hands and turns them around; there is the brush of lips against the skin on the back of his hands and the words Yomi whispered to them.
「 Tomorrow will be another full moon 」; he says with a smile that hints at secrets and loneliness, 「 will you drink with me? 」
The next morning, Yuji wakes up, hard and aching.
The sheets will have to be changed.
Again.
The next night, the tall man is there, waiting patiently for him, another bottle by the feet. The bottle is dark, with no paper markings, which is strange. Perhaps he's a sake dealer after all, thinks Yuji, but he knows that he's wrong.
「 Are we drinking tonight as well? 」, he asks and the tall man merely smiles.
The trees around them bend and sigh in the wind, and the moon is high above them tonight. The sake tonight is light, almost airy, and just slightly sweet. It is like nothing he has ever tasted, and he says so.
「 Do you like it? 」, the tall man asks and he takes another sip, 「 it was…an offering. 」
His tongue is heavy in his mouth, but Yuji cocks his head and wonders out loud, 「 an offering? 」
(He's amazed that his words don't slur.)
There it is, that familiar curve on that familiar face, and Yuji feels as if the ground beneath him has just dropped away.
「 An offering 」, the tall man says, after a heartbeat.
Later, when the stars are fading from the sky, and the moon looks high and weak, the tall man picks up the empty bottle by Yuji's feet and extends a hand to him.
「 My sister is coming 」, he says with a trace of bitterness, looking at the encroaching sunrise. 「 I have to leave. 」
「 Oh 」, says Yuji and he holds on the tall man's hand for a moment longer than necessary.
「 Where will you go? 」, Yuji asks and he can feel the sake swirl him around.
「 To a place where my sister never is 」, the tall man says and there is a flash of a fanged smile before he reaches out and grasps Yuji's hands and brings them to his lips.
「 Come with me, Yuji 」, he whispers and the breath that tickles his skin is cool.
Mio comes back a week later, having spent more time chasing the whaling ships than she had earlier expected. She has a tan from being in the Arctic sun for twelve hours at a time and she can't wait to show off her new tattoo.
The apartment is silent. The birds still crowd around the feeder, arguing over tiny grain pieces. The cactuses have all flowered, one red, one green and another a superb blue. The ELLEGARDEN CD is inside its jewel case, lying against the stereo; there is a fine film of dust over it.
On the kitchen table is a letter, neatly folded up with her name printed in small hiragana characters.
the end
Author’s Notes: For those who were wondering, the tall man is really Tsukuyomi, the Japanese moon god. His sister reference, of course, was the sun goddess, Amaterasu. His whispers his name as “Yomi” because it’s a reference to both his name, and the underworld.
There is a graveyard behind his apartment.
He isn’t bothered by it; he has to walk pass it most mornings to get to work, and nights to get back. It’s quiet and peaceful and calm.
Must be nice, he thinks.
He lives alone, in an airy two-room apartment he once shared with his ex-girlfriend. She's joined Greenpeace.
The apartment is next to a rickety bus stop, and the buses honk when they pass. He has three cacti in his living room, on top of his television set. Sometimes black birds sit outside his window and peck at the seeds he has in the feeder.
There’s a stereo by the wall, and for the past week, it’s been playing ELLEGARDEN.
He’s starting to play the songs in his head.
Hey Mr. Complaint, yeah my life is shit.
On weekends, he airs out his futon and peers over the balcony into the graveyard while he beats the dusts out.
The grey flecks catch in the sunlight and through the haze, he thinks he can see someone move through the headstones.
Blinking, he realises that his eyes had been playing tricks on him.
On special days, he goes to the small neglected shrine next to the graveyard and brings a small broom and a basket of fruits.
It's two months early for O-Bon, but the graveyard looks a little desolate, and a little lonely, so he brings a large bottle of the island’s finest awamori and an old broom. He takes the time to clear creeping weeds away from silent headstones and leaves streams of clear sake out on the headstones.
There is someone else in the shrine today, a tall solitary man with long neat hair.
The tall man has eyes the colour of the smooth river stones, and a presence so strong he looks away and bows, low and deep.
「 Thank you for taking care of them 」, says the tall man and he murmurs something depreciatory in return.
He listens to his voice as it echoes over the dirty stone path and thinks about offering the tall man a drink.
(The sake bottle in his hand feels cold, and heavy.)
The wind is gentle tonight, and the stars have come out to play, so he sits on cool stone steps, with an empty bottle of liquor next to him. He feels a little drunk and a little warm and the world spins him round and round until he has no choice but to follow.
The tall man sits next to him, with his knees neatly folded and smiles, smelling like alcohol and rain.
They talk about the neglected tombstones behind them, and they talk about the stars and the fine flavour of the sake. They don’t talk about the rumbles of the buses that amble by slowly, or what sort of a job he has, or why he always leaves seeds out for the birds.
When he leaves, the tall man holds onto his hand for a second more than necessary.
The next morning, he wakes up to see that one of his three cacti has flowered.
He waters it, and leaves just in time to catch the bus into town.
On Tuesdays, his ex-girlfriends drops by, and brings him dinner and a bag of grocery. Tonight, she brings Chinese food and two frozen boxes of shui mai that she crams into his fridge.
She whirls around the apartment in a mixture of pink and black, leaving behind a faint scent of white musk. Her hands move in a flurry of motion: up, down, left, right, front, back. You haven’t changed the seeds, Yuji. Why do you only have instant noodles again, Yuji. The floor’s getting dusty, Yuji.
「 Mio 」, he says, and she pauses long enough to look at him, hands on slender hips before her attention is snatched away by the flowering cacti.
For dinner, he eats fried rice with soy products instead of real meat.
He is five minutes away from his apartment block before he notices the cat sitting on the ledge staring at him with large gold eyes.
「 Hello 」, he says, and strokes her, slow and steady as she arches up and purrs into his hand.
Then, she straightens up and arches her back, hissing at a moving shadow and a familiar tall man with dark eyes smiles.
「 Run along, little cat 」, the tall man says and his lips curve into a feral smile.
She snarls once, before bolting into the night.
They sit on the old wooden bench outside the apartment and the tall man listens while Yuji talks about his flowering cacti and how his ex-girlfriend used to burp into his face in the mornings.
The moon makes her slow trek across the sky and he watches her movement, like how he watches the tall man’s shadow lengthen and shorten by the flickering apartment lights.
「 Drink with me 」, the tall man says, 「 drink with me again when the moon is full. 」
The week passes slowly, agonizingly so. Tuesday come and go with a large paper bag left outside his apartment door and a handwritten note in Mio’s messy hand;
Yuji,
Gone to chase whaling ships, be back in three weeks! :D
Mio
PS: If I see any more instant ramen when I come back, I’m throwing all of them out.
He keeps the note, stuck to the refrigerator with a magnet of a dolphin and the words “OKINAWA AQUARIUM” blazoned across it in ugly white letters.
The ELLEGARDEN CD is collecting dust, so he picks it up and brushes it once. Then sets it down again.
Perhaps he should change the CD.
Clearly, I'm doing something wrong.
It's a Wednesday night when he sees the tall man again.
「 Hello 」, he says then as an afterthought adds, 「 there isn’t a full moon tonight. 」
The tall man smiles like a cat, full of secrets and unspoken words - a beautifully curved mouth.
「 But I wanted to see you 」, he says, and Yuji feels the words seep into his bones, like heavy tea settling in a china-bone cup.
It's late and he has work tomorrow. He sits down on a cold metal bench in the nearby park and digs around his plastic bag for a wrapped kimchi onigiri. He fumbles with the plastic wrapping, but the tall man doesn't seem to mind, merely sits next to him with his legs neatly crossed.
Yuji offers him a bite, more out of habit than of respect and doesn't show his surprise when it's declined.
They sit and talk while Yuji eats his dinner of store-bought onigiri and drinks apple tea.
The tall man points to the half moon in the sky and says, 「 one cannot exist on the same time as the other 」, he turns to Yuji and smiles his curved smile again, 「 but they will meet, for a brief moment, nonetheless. 」
There's a hidden meaning somewhere, Yuji thinks, and looks away from the tall man's knowing eyes.
Before they part, the taller man leans down and brush his lips against Yuji's ear, the full moon is in three weeks, the whisper snakes its way down his belly and it lingers in a haze of warmth, you promised you'll drink with me then.
There is the press of lips against his, and a curl of warm breath, before Yuji realises that he's alone again.
(week o1)
The next day he wakes up just as the sun breaks over the sky. It's warm, but he shivers. I have to feed the birds today and not, I'm going to be late.
As he gets up, he realises (belatedly) that the sheets need to be changed.
It's Wednesday, which means he gets to sit at home and watch the birds peck at the seeds in his feeder. It also means that by the time he comes back from work, fishermen at the docks are preparing to go out to sea. When he walks back to his apartment, the crunch of shoes on gravel is startlingly loud.
Fridays involves him sleeping until the sun shines on his face and he's forced to flip to the other side of the bed. His dream is filled with colour and vivid flashes of red and the cloying scent of fresh sake.
(week 2)
If he sits down and pauses, he can feel that tiny little flare in his belly. Only now, it's not a flare, more like a flame that licks the insides of his stomach. Out of curiosity, he puts a hand on it; his skin feels warm and he can feel his ribs rise and fall. It's not burning but it was a stupid thought anyway.
The graveyard calls to him, with their rustling leaves and the sighing wind. When the leaves shakes in the shadow, he thinks that he hears his name being called instead.
Yuji, come back.
On Thursday, his second cacti flowers, a beautiful, waxy red.
It looks a little like blood.
(week 3)
It's Wednesday and if his calendar is right, Friday will have a full moon. That thought disturbs him - so he tells himself, it's just a drink. The wind is blowing outside and the temperature is dropping. The leaves have started to age to yellow, and the brittle cold is starting to seep through the cracks in the walls. Every time the wind blows, he can hear his name.
Yuji.
Yuji.
Come with me, Yuji.
Yuji sleeps with the windows closed.
On Friday night, when he's halfway between the bus-stop and the apartment, he notices the tall man sitting on the bench by the stairs to the apartment. The crunch of shoes on gravel is loud. He watches the man as he watches him, dark eyes opaque. The familiar curving smile is there, so Yuji stops, an arms length away and cocks his head.
「 It's a full moon 」; the tall man says with a smile, 「 will you drink with me tonight? 」
Yuji sees the sake bottle by the tall man's feet, heavy bottomed and slender necked.
I'm sorry, Yuji thinks, but the words do not come out.
When he's sitting on the cold stone temple steps, sipping wine so sweet and delicate it paints his ears red, he realises something.
「 Who are you? 」, he asks, the question dulled by the wine and the stars and the tall man's smile.
「 Do you like the wine? 」, the tall man asks, and his voice is low and musical, much like the murmurings of the trees that has been calling him for the last few weeks. Yuji closes his eyes and listens and watches an image being painted behind his eyelids, bursts of breathless colours.
When he opens his eyes, the world is still spinning, the stars are still shining, the moon is still hanging in the sky, wane and heavy. The tall man is watching him, his pale face framed by long black hair and for a dizzying moment Yuji thinks he looks just like a doll.
Then there is the curve of lips and the lowering of dark eyes, before the tall man offers another drink.
The sake in his cup is still and calm and cold.
「 Who are you? 」, he asks again and watches the pale face with the curving smile.
The tall man lowers his heads, once and looks up at the moon. She's low in the sky, heavy and pale. Something flashes, just once, in Yuji's mind, only to dance away again. His head feels heavy and he's thinks he's tipsy. The tall man stretches out one hand and Yuji closes his eyes at the feel of fingers on his skin. It's cold, so he opens his eyes and says so.
「 I apologise 」, the tall man says, withdrawing his hand and lowering his dark eyes. There is a flash of loneliness and an empty ache, thinks Yuji.
When the tall man leans over and kisses him though, it's like fire and ice, and there's a rush of rush of blood down to his groin at the hot tongue in his mouth. Pulling back, the tall man holds on to Yuji's hands and turns them around; there is the brush of lips against the skin on the back of his hands and the words Yomi whispered to them.
「 Tomorrow will be another full moon 」; he says with a smile that hints at secrets and loneliness, 「 will you drink with me? 」
The next morning, Yuji wakes up, hard and aching.
The sheets will have to be changed.
Again.
The next night, the tall man is there, waiting patiently for him, another bottle by the feet. The bottle is dark, with no paper markings, which is strange. Perhaps he's a sake dealer after all, thinks Yuji, but he knows that he's wrong.
「 Are we drinking tonight as well? 」, he asks and the tall man merely smiles.
The trees around them bend and sigh in the wind, and the moon is high above them tonight. The sake tonight is light, almost airy, and just slightly sweet. It is like nothing he has ever tasted, and he says so.
「 Do you like it? 」, the tall man asks and he takes another sip, 「 it was…an offering. 」
His tongue is heavy in his mouth, but Yuji cocks his head and wonders out loud, 「 an offering? 」
(He's amazed that his words don't slur.)
There it is, that familiar curve on that familiar face, and Yuji feels as if the ground beneath him has just dropped away.
「 An offering 」, the tall man says, after a heartbeat.
Later, when the stars are fading from the sky, and the moon looks high and weak, the tall man picks up the empty bottle by Yuji's feet and extends a hand to him.
「 My sister is coming 」, he says with a trace of bitterness, looking at the encroaching sunrise. 「 I have to leave. 」
「 Oh 」, says Yuji and he holds on the tall man's hand for a moment longer than necessary.
「 Where will you go? 」, Yuji asks and he can feel the sake swirl him around.
「 To a place where my sister never is 」, the tall man says and there is a flash of a fanged smile before he reaches out and grasps Yuji's hands and brings them to his lips.
「 Come with me, Yuji 」, he whispers and the breath that tickles his skin is cool.
Mio comes back a week later, having spent more time chasing the whaling ships than she had earlier expected. She has a tan from being in the Arctic sun for twelve hours at a time and she can't wait to show off her new tattoo.
The apartment is silent. The birds still crowd around the feeder, arguing over tiny grain pieces. The cactuses have all flowered, one red, one green and another a superb blue. The ELLEGARDEN CD is inside its jewel case, lying against the stereo; there is a fine film of dust over it.
On the kitchen table is a letter, neatly folded up with her name printed in small hiragana characters.
the end
Author’s Notes: For those who were wondering, the tall man is really Tsukuyomi, the Japanese moon god. His sister reference, of course, was the sun goddess, Amaterasu. His whispers his name as “Yomi” because it’s a reference to both his name, and the underworld.