(500) Days Of Jesse - Part Six
Title: (500) Days Of Jesse
Part: Six
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Jewnicorn/(500) Days Of Summer crossover. Loosely based on the plot of the film.
Disclaimer: Never happened, all a figment of my imagination. I am not affiliated with anyone mentioned in this work of fiction. (500) Days Of Summer is property of Fox Searchlight Pictures.
A/N: Remember to pay close attention to the numbers before each section, they denote the number of days that Andrew and Jesse have known one another at each point -same as the film, of course- it'll help you in keeping track of where they are on their 500 day timeline :)
Beta: musicallyalive - I just want to thank her for being so amazing, for proof-reading this for me, and for keeping me motivated with her awesome pep talks. <3
Previous: Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four | Part Five
~
(410)
“So, um, what do you think? Should I go?”
Emma does that stereotypical thing that women do when they cock their head to the side, place a hand on their hip and frown. “Honey, I really don’t know.”
“What do you mean, you don’t know?” Andrew replies. He leans back on his stool, tipping it onto two legs, and just stares at her. “You always know. You know everything, you‘re practically omniscient.”
“I know,” Emma smirks playfully, “I’m just having an off day I guess.”
Andrew tips forward again, back onto four legs, and leans across the counter so that he‘s right in Emma‘s face. He comes to this diner so often nowadays, to talk to Emma, to get advice and whatnot, that it‘s starting to feel like the only place in which he feels okay, despite the fact that he and Jesse broke up here.
At home, everything reminds him of Jesse and because he lives alone with no one to talk to, he has even more time to ponder over that stuff. More time to ponder over how well Jesse fit into his red velvet arm-chair, the couch they watched movies on, the bed they slept -and did other stuff- in, the shower in which they also did that ‘other stuff’, the kitchen where Jesse used to make pancakes, his ‘speciality’, the framed Mike Dirnt poster. And yeah, sure, right now there is some small chance that he and Jesse could get back together soon, but that’s only if Andrew manages to pluck up enough courage to go to Jesse’s party next week.
“This could be my chance, Em,” Andrew says for what has to be the millionth time. A huge part of him craves Emma’s approval because she is the one constant voice of reason in his life.
“Sure, but what if things don't go in the way that you want them to?” She’s taken to drying a mug now, and looks at Andrew using this expression that seems to cry ’I feel so sorry for you’ and ’You’re a hopeless idiot’ all at the same time. “What if Jesse just invited you as a friend and things get totally awkward?”
“It’ll be awkward either way, and anyway, you didn’t see him at the wedding,” Andrew‘s face splits into a smile. “we held hands on the train an-“
“He fell asleep on your shoulder and he said he missed sleeping in your bed and everything felt so right,” Emma rolls her eyes.
“Exactly.” Emma‘s blatant mockery doesn‘t seem to have affected Andrew. “So don’t you think I should at least give it a shot? When I said I hated him you told me I was lying and you were right, so I figured of all people, you would want me to try and work things out with him.”
Emma shrugs. “I just don’t want you getting hurt again.”
“I’ll never know unless I go, right? Sure, I could choose not to go but then I’ll spend the rest of my life wondering what could have been. If I don’t go I might end up old and alone in an apartment with nothing but a parakeet for company. I need to go, even if things go wrong, just for some closure or something.”
“Hmm,” Emma widens her eyes, “you know, I hate to admit it, but I guess you’re right. I guess you should go, for closure at least, and anything else on top of that is a bonus.”
“Exactly,” Andrew replies, still smiling. “So, are you gonna come?”
“Do you want me to?”
“Sure I do, for moral support and guidance and stuff. Plus, like I said, Jesse invited you too. As well as Ryan, Joe, Carey and Justin. The more people that go the more it’ll feel like an actual party, it’ll probably decrease the awkwardness too.”
Emma smiles, pointing at him. “And, the more that it feels like a party, the more likely people are going to get drunk, which in turn will increase your of chances of taking part in a drunken make out session with the host.”
A disembodied voice on Andrew’s right hand side says, “He doesn’t just want some drunken make out session, he wants something better than that, he was in love with the guy.”
Andrew turns to see who it is, and it’s Emma’s boyfriend, Ryan, sat on the stool next to him with this benign look on his face. That’s one thing that Andrew has noticed about Ryan, the guy doesn’t really say much -a trait that’s emphasised even further when he’s with Emma, because she never stops talking- but whenever he does speak, he’s usually got something useful to tell you. Andrew just smiles fondly at his contented, relaxed expression.
“He’s still in love with the guy,” Emma says to him, then she frowns, “and where the hell did you come from?”
“Outside,” Ryan answers simply.
Emma narrows her eyes and turns to put the cup she was drying back into the cupboard behind her. “How did you know we were talking about Jesse?”
“Lucky guess?” Ryan shrugs. “Hey, could I get a coffee please, Sweetheart?”
Andrew looks from Ryan, and back to Emma. “You know, guys, right now, from Jesse, I’d happily take a drunken make out session.”
“So it’s decided then?” Emma asks. “We’re all going?”
Andrew nods. “We’re going.”
(418)
Forty-five minutes early, Andrew walks in to the lobby of Jesse’s apartment building, intoxicated by the potential of the evening and filled with hope. He’s spent the last eight days thinking about tonight, about the possibilities, and he’s starting to genuinely believe, that for once in his life, his expectations will finally line up with reality.
Expectations:
Andrew waits alone in the lobby for a half hour before the others decide to show their faces. His stomach doesn’t stop churning painfully until the door flies open, and Joe Mazzello, dressed in a shirt and tie, stands in the doorway with Carey -in a very pretty dress- on his arm, and says. “We have arrived!”
“Oh, thank God,” Andrew exhales for what feels like the first time in hours, he feels as though he’s been holding his breath in anticipation all day.
The other three are all right behind Carey and Joe, in similar states of dress, shirts and ties for the guys -Justin’s in his work suit again- and Emma, like Carey, is in a dress, her hair all done up.
She dashes forward and slaps both hands onto Andrew’s chest, making him recoil a little in panic. “Check you out, looking all snazzy and handsome!”
“Looking sharp, Man,” Ryan winks from behind her.
“You‘re wearing a tux,” Justin says monotonously, eyeing Andrew. “You look like a magician.”
“Shut up,” Andrew snaps, straightening his bowtie, “you look like an over-worked stock broker.”
“You’re telling the story of my life, Homie.” Justin sticks his hands into the pockets of his overcoat and inclines his head in the general direction of the stairs. “Now can we get up there already? I need to get some alcohol in me.”
They make their way up, and Andrew gets increasingly more terrified with each step, trying to ease his nerves by firing questions at Emma about the dress code and whether or not Jesse will like the record he’s bought him. Emma assures him that the dress code is semi-formal and that Andrew won’t look out of place in what he’s wearing - she’d called Jesse a few days ago just to check.
From behind, Justin calls out, “You’re wearing a tux, Man. That’s not semi-formal, that’s full blown ‘Hi, would you like to sample the caviar?‘, ‘Spot of tea?’, ‘Anyone for croquet?’ formal.”
“I think you look great,” Emma says, touching Andrew‘s shoulder and pushing him on in an attempt to keep him from glaring back at Justin. “Ignore him, I’m sure Jesse will like the fact that you put so much effort into this.”
“Yeah? Here it is,” Andrew says, exhaling hard as the group come to a halt just outside of Jesse’s apartment door. He hasn’t seen what’s behind this door in so long, the sight of Jesse’s apartment will probably bring back more memories than the thought of what went on inside his own. He just hopes that Jesse hasn’t gone around the place and removed every last trace of Andrew, and made it look as though he’s never been there. He hopes Jesse hasn’t gotten rid of the Green Day lyrics he’d spelled out with magnets on the fridge.
“There’s a sign on the door,” Carey says, pointing. Every one turns to look, and written on an piece of A4 in Jesse’s handwriting are the words - “Go to the roof!”
“No way!” Joe cries, full of excitement. “A roof party? How awesome is Jesse? Let’s go!”
He pulls Carey along behind him -he doesn’t even know how to get to the roof, but Joe has this sixth sense when it comes to finding a nearby party- Justin and Ryan soon follow, and Andrew feels inexplicably worried.
Emma looks at him, a comforting smile on her face. “Rooftop party, night sky, stars. Could be romantic?”
Andrew thinks about it for a moment, and yeah, she could be right.
Reality:
Andrew charges up the stairs towards Jesse’s apartment -leaving the others at the bottom to catch up- infuriated. “I cannot believe you guys did this to me.”
“Did what?” Justin calls, partly annoyed and partly confused as he runs up the stairs behind Andrew.
“Why didn’t any of you tell me we had to come in casual dress?” Andrew stops at the top and stares down at the five of them dressed in jeans, t-shirts, hoodies and sneakers. “Did Jesse call you or something?”
“No,” Emma speaks slowly, “and calm down, we just assumed that since it’s a house party, it’d be casual dress.”
“Seriously, Man,” Joe adds, appearing to be fighting off laughter. “Who wears a tux to a house party, really?”
“Thanks for the support.” They‘ve all reached the landing now, and Andrew just walks on without them, head bowed, mumbling to himself. He’s blushing and he hasn’t even reached the party yet. “Shit, I’m gonna look like such an idiot, not to mention Jesse’s going to think I’m an idiot. You’re right, who comes to a house party in a tux?”
“For what it’s worth, I think you look nice,” Carey adds quietly from behind, her voice sweet and unsure, as if she’s afraid that she may be speaking out of turn.
“Thanks Carey, but I’m still gonna look out of place.” Andrew stops just outside of Jesse‘s door, presses his forehead against the wall, and is surprised that he can’t hear any music thumping through the walls. “Oh God, I feel like I’m gonna throw up.”
“Calm. Down,” Emma repeats, placing her hands on his back, she sounds a little put out. “If Jesse is truly looking to get back together with you, I don’t think he’s going to give a flying fuck about what you’re wearing, he’d just be happy that you’re here, right?”
“Right,” Ryan says, shrugging as he looks around at the others.
“You think?” Andrew asks, speaking to the wallpaper, vaguely hoping that a hole in the ground would just open up and swallow him already.
“I know.” Emma grabs both of his shoulders and forces him to spin around. She smiles brightly and leans forward so that she’s right in his face. “I’m practically omniscient, remember?”
It’s then that Carey notices the sign on the door, and this is one of the few times of the night when Andrew’s expectations do meet up reality. Joe gets all excited, runs off to find the party, and for the millionth time, Emma hangs back and reassures Andrew that everything’s going to be okay, and he believes her.
Expectations:
After running up a few more flights of stairs behind Joe, they make it to the roof. The door is propped open with a chair, and as they step through it, Andrew hears them gasp.
Paper lanterns with candles in them are set up all over the place, and there’s fairy lights strung from every possible place that they could be strung, the sky is inky black and the stars can be seen despite the fact that they’re in the middle of the city, and there are little tables and chairs set up and to Andrew it feels like one of those monumental, magical nights during which everything just goes… right.
“This is beautiful,” Emma says breathlessly, hugging Ryan’s arm. “Isn’t it?”
It’s a little cold but not uncomfortably so, and there are only about twenty or so people here, a small thing, just like Jesse had said.
“It’s stunning,” Ryan says. “Where’s Jesse?”
“There!” Carey cries from behind Andrew, she points over his shoulder and he follows the direction of her hand to spot Jesse on the other side of the roof, leaning against the wall with a small glass in his hand as he talks to a guy and a girl who appear to be a couple.
When he sees him there, Andrew experiences that same feeling that he felt the night he and Jesse first made love. The night when he walked out of his bathroom to find Jesse naked on his bed. It wasn’t some dirty, primitive feeling. In that moment all those months ago he felt as though his heart had stopped, as if his throat had closed up around words he was too shocked and happy to speak, like he could cry because he‘d found it. Him. The one person he‘d spent his whole life searching for.
He felt that same way when Jesse told him that he loved him, and looking back, Andrew’s pretty sure that he felt the same way when he saw Jesse sing for the first time at that karaoke bar. He feels the same way now because Jesse looks… beautiful, perfect, and Andrew’s starting to think that now fate has fixed Armie up with his angel, then maybe it’s his turn now, Andrew’s turn.
“Yo Jesse!” Justin yells unceremoniously, knocking Andrew out of his reverie.
Jesse looks up, and after a brief moment of surprise, he smiles at the sight of them there -one of his signature wide, bright, contagious smiles- and he laughs in shock as he dashes across the roof to meet them. “Oh my god, you all came! This is amazing.”
Andrew had been mildly worried about his tux, but Jesse’s dressed up too, in one of those run of the mill black pants, black jacket, white shirt, black tie outfits, but regardless… he looks stunning, delicious. His hair is more wavy than curly tonight and the yellow light of the candles and fairy lights catches on it, making it look more auburn than brunette. He looks angelic. Andrew could probably spend the whole night staring at Jesse without saying a word and he’d be happy with it.
As Jesse reaches out to hug Emma, then Ryan, he says, “Hello! I haven’t seen you all in so long, I missed you all so much.”
“We missed you too, Bud,” Joe says as he pats Jesse on the back and walks on to find himself a drink, probably. Andrew hopes to God that he isn’t going to end up pulling a candle out of one of those paper lanterns and inviting some stranger to pour the wax on his nipples like at Emma‘s. Andrew hopes for Carey’s sake, mostly.
Jesse smiles even harder and rounds on Joe as if he‘s brought him the best gift in the world. “You brought Carey!”
“Hi,” she says sweetly, hugging him before following Joe into the party.
“There’s drinks and food and stuff on that table over there, help yourself!” Jesse calls back to them, then he turns around again. “Hey, Justin. No date?”
“No,” Justin laughs, scrunching his face up as if Jesse has somehow offended him, “you know I fly solo.”
“Lone wolf, I get it,” Jesse nods, smiling. “Go get yourself a drink.”
“As you wish,” Justin salutes and walks away.
Then it’s just Andrew and Jesse left there. They’re quiet for a moment or two, listening to Green Day’s Warning album turned down low, pouring out of Jesse’s vinyl player, and the happy chatter of the people around them.
Andrew’s got this goofy, knowing smile on his face, Jesse does too, and whilst Jesse’s smile may be a little smaller than earlier on, it isn’t any less happy. He takes a couple of tentative steps towards Andrew, his hands in his pockets, and says, “Hey, you.”
Andrew can feel himself blush like a school girl, he looks down at his feet. “Hey, you.”
“You look great.”
“Have you seen you?” Andrew looks up again, bewildered, eyeing Jesse’s well… everything. “This party, it’s amazing, really.”
“Thanks,“ Jesse replies, quiet and disbelieving, in the same way that he said ‘Really?‘ on the day he and Andrew first met. He takes another step forward and reaches up to wrap his arms around Andrew’s neck in a hug, his lips grazing Andrew’s cheek as he goes, “and thanks for coming, it really means a lot to me.”
Andrew almost chokes up as he hugs Jesse back, contemplating never letting go, never again “…it’s no problem, really.”
Jesse’s the one to break it up, and as he does he looks down at the bag Andrew’s holding, an eyebrow raised in curiosity. “Hey, what’s that?”
“Oh, this?” Andrew had all but forgotten about the record, he hands the bag over to Jesse and watches -heart thumping in his chest- as he slides it out. “It’s for you, I remember you saying you didn’t have it yet, so I…”
“Oh Andrew…“
Jesse’s staring down at the cover, but from the tone of his voice, Andrew knows that he’s smiling. Just to check, he says, “Do you like it?”
“I love it!” Jesse looks up and that big, big grin is back on his face again, shaking his head. “Thank you so much, this is amazing. I don‘t know what to say.”
“’Thank you‘, maybe?” Andrew jokes, wishing that he could just take Jesse somewhere and cuddle him all night, his hands are shaking at the thought of it. “Though, I guess you already said that…”
“Yeah. You know what?“ Jesse turns and slowly begins to walk over to the other side of the roof, towards where the vinyl player is set up. “I’m gonna put it straight on, right now.”
“Really? Now?” Andrew says, following him.
“Of course,” Jesse cuts off Green Day mid guitar solo -something Andrew would never imagine him to do- and replaces the record with his new one. As the opening track begins to play, he sighs contentedly and looks over at Andrew “…you’re incredible.”
Reality:
They hear the party before they see it. As they head up the last flight of stairs to the roof, the chorus of Sum 41’s In Too Deep echoes down towards them, and Joe cheers at that.
When they’re finally up on the roof, when they finally see the party, however, Andrew’s blown away by the sheer amount of people up here. There has to be at least a hundred people, all packed together, dancing and jumping and drinking, holding red solo cups above their heads. Andrew wasn’t even aware of the fact that Jesse knew so many people. All of their voices mix into a dull roar atop of the music that’s blasting so loudly that it makes Andrew’s ears hurt a little bit. To make it worse, everyone is dressed causally, and he feels even more out of place here in his tux, he feels like he’s at the wrong party, Jesse would never throw something like this.
“Oh, this is fucking sweet!” Joe yells, sounding more like a nineteen year old at a frat party than a qualified vet with a date. “Come on, Carey, let’s dance!”
They disappear into a nearby crowd, and Justin soon leaves saying that he needs to get a drink, and Andrew just stands there all wide-eyed, out of his depth and unsure of what to do. Jesse is no where to be seen amongst all of these people, how are they supposed to have a serious conversation about their relationship now?
“Hey guys! Guys!” It’s the booming voice of Armie Hammer coming towards them, swaying slightly with a bottle of beer in each hand, all big and intimidating despite the huge smile on his face. “You came!”
“Armie!” Emma yells excitedly.
“Hey!”
“Hey!”
“Hey,” Andrew says monotonously, trying to crane around Armie to look into the chaos that is this party. “Where’s Jesse?”
“No idea,“ Armie replies bluntly, still yelling over the music. “Last time I saw him he was somewhere over there mixing a drink for…” Armie squints and turns to look back into the party“…someone. Some girl, I don’t know her name.” He looks back to Andrew and laughs. “I don’t know most of the people here, truth be told.”
“I thought this was meant to be a small thing,” Andrew says. Well, he’s yelling too. “Like… really small.”
“That was the plan at first, yeah, but Elizabeth and I decided that we’d had enough of the tame stuff at the wedding reception. We had to be all sweet and polite since our families were there, but we’re with friends now, so why not have a proper party?”
“Good for you!” Emma cries.
“So yeah, have fun! I gotta go find Elizabeth, so grab a drink and dance, yeah?” Armie leaves Andrew, Emma and Ryan there and wades into the crowd, pushing dancers aside as if he‘s walking through a field of tall grass.
Emma looks past Ryan and into Andrew‘s face -all worried and flushed- with sympathy. “I’m gonna go look for him!” She cries. “I know what you want, you wait here with Ryan and I’ll find Jesse for you, okay?”
She places a kiss on Ryan’s cheek and dashes off, leaving the two guys there.
“What do you think, Ryan?” Andrew asks without looking at him, staring off into space. “Do you reckon it’ll work out for me?”
“I think it will,” Ryan speaks so quietly, but Andrew can still hear him regardless. “I think you’ll get want you want eventually, but it probably won’t come to you in the way that you expect. Things never do.”
Andrew mulls that over for a second, but then he hears a voice, a voice that makes him refocus his gaze.
“I have no idea what it’s called, but it tastes great so give it a try, yeah?”
Andrew looks up and feels his chest tighten at the sight of Jesse, walking out of the crowd with a girl who appears to be holding the same drink Andrew made Jesse that night in the bar, the pink one.
“Jesse?” Andrew says, head tilted to the left, smiling. Then, he realises that he’s whispering to himself, and pipes up louder, waving. “Hey, Jesse!”
Jesse looks up, eyes meeting Andrew‘s. His mouth goes all slack and Andrew can see his tongue moving around inside, as if Jesse wants to say something, but isn‘t sure what. He blinks rapidly and Andrew feels even more overdressed at the sight of Jesse in a pair of sweatpants and an old Green Day shirt that he tends to sleep in. His curls are all messed up and fluffy, as if he’s just got out of bed, and he’s carrying a bottle of beer. He continues to eye Andrew incredulously -like he can’t believe he‘s really there- for a few more seconds before his body finally seems to catch up with his brain.
He smiles so brightly that Andrew weakens at the knees a little. “You came!”
“Of course I did,” Andrew replies, grinning back. As he walks towards him, out of the corner of his eye, Andrew sees Ryan nod, as if he knew this would happen. “Did Emma find you?”
“No,” Jesse yells back, stepping closer so that they can speak a little easier. “Was she supposed to?”
“I think so ye-”
“That’s it!” Emma practically fall outs of a group of dancers as if she’s been pushed, hair a mess and her hoodie practically falling off of her body. “I give up! I can’t find hi- Jesse?!”
“Hey!” Jesse says, looking as though he’s trying not to laugh. He just stares at her for a second then says “…so, how’ve you been?”
“I had my ass grabbed four times in there!” She cries, arms flailing in the general direction of the dancers. “I think one of them was a girl!”
“Sorry about that,” Jesse laughs, “I hope you’re okay.”
“Oh, I‘m fine! The girl was the only one that was gentle with me,” Emma huffs, straightening out her hoodie and heading back towards Ryan. She yells about wanting ‘Some sambuca, already!’
And now it’s just Jesse and Andrew. It’s like they’re in the eye of the storm, all quiet and still in the middle of the party whilst everyone else has fun and dances and drinks around them. Deryck Whibley’s nasal singing voice sounds as though it’s coming from some party a few blocks away rather than the one they’re actually part of. The tension between them is palpable as they stand there just looking at one another with these goofy smiles on their faces. It’s not even sexual tension, it’s like… romantic tension. Andrew doesn’t want to rip Jesse’s clothes off and do with him what he will, he just wants to grab him and hold him and make him promise that they’ll never be apart again.
“Hey, so, um…” Jesse says finally, “are you gonna do magic?”
“What?” Andrew laughs, confused.
“The tux,” Jesse gestures towards Andrew’s torso without actually touching him. “You look like a magician.”
“Shut up!” Andrew shoves him gently. “How was I to know that this wasn’t a formal thing?”
“It’s a roof party,” Jesse smirks, and then he looks down at Andrew’s hands, at the bag he’s holding.
“Hey, what’s that?”
“Oh this? I just uh… I got this for you.”
“What is it?” Jesse places his drink down on the ground.
“Have a look and you‘ll see.”
Andrew smiles a little as he stuffs his hands into the pockets of his jacket, watching Jesse open his gift and waiting for another pretty smile to spill across his face.
“You got me the new blink-182 album?” Jesse just stares down at the record.
“Yeah, Neighborhoods. I remember at the wedding, you said you hadn’t managed to get it on vinyl yet. It’s two disc limited edition, on white vinyl,” Andrew leans down to speak right into Jesse’s ear.
Jesse finally looks up, but steps back at the same time, like he‘s uncomfortable with the close proximity. “Oh wow, thank you so much.”
“You gonna listen to it?”
“Well, I would, but it‘s so nice that I don‘t want it to get ruined here,” Jesse shrugs, sliding it back into the bag. “I’m gonna go put this away downstairs, I’ll be back in a sec, yeah?”
“Oh,” Andrew feels his face fall and his shoulders slump.
Jesse steps backwards, begins to walk away, “But thank you so much, this is awesome.”
Andrew just watches him walk away, severely down-heartened.
Expectations:
Andrew walks towards him, watching Jesse watching the record spin with this ridiculous, dorky smile on his face. Andrew’s happiness seems to be directly proportionate to Jesse’s, the more he smiles the more Andrew smiles. Andrew adores him every second of every day.
“You wanna go sit down and grab something to drink?” Jesse says as Andrew approaches, looking up.
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”
The table they choose to sit at is almost completely occupied, Jesse introduces Andrew to a couple of his friends, Rooney and Max. Jesse’s boss, Aziz, is there too, looking a little uncomfortable with Ryan sat next to him, staring at him, asking him where he’s from. That’s the thing with Ryan -as lovely as he is- when he looks at someone, he really looks, and to new people, that can be a little unnerving.
“I’m from South Carolina, but my parents are from India.”
Ryan leans closer, invading his personal space without realising, smiling a little. “No kidding?
“So how are you… since a couple of weeks ago, anyway?” Jesse asks as he hands Andrew a beer that he just fetched for him from a nearby cooler.
“I’m great,” Andrew says, meaning it. “Like, before the wedding I felt kind of crappy, but things are definitely getting better.”
“I know the feeling,” Jesse’s smile radiates honesty. He takes a sip from the drink in his hand and Andrew feels his eyes widen when he looks at the glass, filled with a creamy pink liquid.
“Hey, is that my girly cocktail you‘re drinking?” Andrew says playfully.
“Mmm!” Jesse swallows his current mouthful, then says, “Yep! I drink nothing else nowadays. In terms of alcohol, anyway.”
Andrew pokes Jesse in the chest with the neck of his beer bottle. “Maybe we can do some more tequila shots later?”
“You’ll have to get me drunk first.”
Andrew turns away from him a little, taking a sip from his beer, giving Jesse a sidelong glance. “That can be arranged.”
Jesse smirks. “I know it could.”
“Andrew!” He feels hands on his shoulders and looks up to find Elizabeth stood behind him, looking radiant in a pretty cream dress, all tanned from her honeymoon. “You’re here!”
“Yeah,” he turns in his seat to face her. “How was the honeymoon?”
“Amazing, but listen, I’ve got something for you,” she starts fishing around in her bag.
“A gift? For me?” Andrew gives Jesse a questioning glance, but he just shrugs, smiling fondly.
Elizabeth produces a stiff white envelope and hands it over to Andrew, commanding him to open it, and he does. It contains a piece of paper, a photograph, the picture taken of he and Jesse at the wedding. Despite the fact that he felt so uncomfortable when it was taken, it actually looks pretty good.
“Oh wow,” Andrew smiles, breathless.
“I’ve got one too,” Jesse says, leaning over to have a look too, sliding an arm around Andrew‘s waist. Andrew feels at home there, encircled by that arm. “I’ve got it framed, it’s in my room.”
Andrew looks up at him, shocked and quiet. “In your room?”
Jesse shrugs a single shoulder “…well, yeah.”
Looking down at it again, Andrew imagines Jesse’s copy framed in his bedroom. Jesse’s room, his one private corner of the world, a place where he keeps all of his memories and the people he never plans to forget.
And Andrew’s still there.
“I’m gonna go then,” Elizabeth says awkwardly. Andrew doesn’t see her leave, just hears her footsteps as she walks away because he’s too busy looking at Jesse. The sounds of everything around them just fades out until it’s nothing but a gentle hum of background noise.
“I really missed you,” Jesse whispers. “Even over the past two weeks… I missed you.”
Andrew can feel his heart swelling, fit to burst. “I miss you too, even now.”
Jesse bites his lip and smiles, and Andrew can feel the buzz of something between them, growing stronger by the second and pulling them in. Something’s going to happen tonight and it’s all he can do not to kiss him right now.
Reality:
Jesse left to put his record away downstairs, and as far as Andrew can tell, he never came back.
Well, of course, there is the possibility that he got lost somewhere in the party, but even so, Andrew hasn’t caught so much as a glimpse of him in the past hour or so. He can’t help but feel as though Jesse’s done this on purpose, and that kills him. Has he missed something? Has something changed in the last two weeks since the wedding? Was it all just some big, ridiculous dream?
Eventually, Andrew finds Justin over by the fire escape entertaining a small group of young women, a glass of whiskey in his hand and a gleam in his eye as he turns on the charm.
Andrew figures that hanging out with Justin tonight will be better than hanging out with no one, so he goes over, dragging his feet, head hung in shame, feeling pathetically sorry for himself.
“My man!” Justin calls, lifting his class into the air as he approaches. “Andrew Garfield everyone! Get over here!”
So Andrew, despite not really wanting to, speeds up. Once he reaches the group he finds the eyes of six pretty girls looking up at him, huge, enthusiastic smiles on the faces.
“Hey,” Andrew says monotonously, wishing he hasn’t decided to come over after all.
“Hi!” They cry in unison, way too happy for Andrew’s liking.
All of a sudden, as if from no where, Justin throws an arm around Andrew‘s shoulders, using the other -glass-holding hand- to gesture to one blonde girl in particular, then to the others. “Andrew, this is Dakota and…” Justin pauses for a second, face crumpled in confusion, as if trying to recall a distant memory “…her friends!”
They’re all looking at him again, eyes wide, waiting for him to say something witty like the funny guy in the tux is supposed to at these things. He’s got nothing, so he just says, “So, um, how do you know Jesse?”
“We all work with Elizabeth, so we know him through her,” Dakota says, smiling. “What about you?”
“He dumped me four and a half months ago.”
“Oh…” Her smile fades, and she looks away from him for the first time since he got here. Well, this is awkward.
Andrew shrugs, laughing a little. A quiet, desperate giggle, as if making a joke out of all this will somehow make him feel better about it , like he’s watching someone else’s crappy life unfold on some sitcom, rather than his own. “Yeah. I‘m his ex.”
“Hey!” Justin cries, starting to pull Andrew away from the group. “Speaking of Jesse! Excuse me ladies…” He lowers his voice, speaking to Andrew through gritted teeth “…why aren’t you with him now?”
Andrew gets it, Justin wants him to go away, he’s cramping his style. What a great friend, just what he needs right now. Andrew steps away from Justin‘s arm, it flops off of his shoulders. “I can’t find him, he went downstairs like an hour ago and he said he’d come back, but he didn’t.”
“Well, shit,” Justin says, wide-eyed. “Go look for him.”
“Why?”
“Because, one, it’d make you happy, and two, you’re kind of putting a downer on things here.”
“What,” Andrew cranes his neck to look back at the girls, “with Dakota?”
“Yeah,” Justin blushes a little bit. Not such a suave ladies man any more.
“Okay, I’m gone,” Andrew huffs. As he leaves, he calls back, “hope she doesn’t break your heart!”
“Thanks!” Justin replies, waving a hand over his shoulder. Clearly, he wasn’t listening.
So, Andrew looks for Jesse. Pretty much everywhere. He tries to make his way through the crowd of dancers but he gets half way through and finds that he’s getting pushed about all over the place and more than fifteen people make snide comments about his choice of attire. He can’t get back though, so his only choice is to keep going.
When he’s finally spat out on the other side, he feels as though someone has just given birth to him all over again. He’s covered in sweat -most of it not even his- he’s boiling hot, and he’s severely out of breath from having to shove his way out. All of that, and he couldn’t find anyone. He’s at the edge of the roof now, where the wall is, where people can stand and look over into the city. Andrew leans against it and tries to get some air back into his lungs.
“Andrew!”
It’s a voice coming from somewhere down below, a female voice. Someone’s tugging on his leg. “Hey, Andrew!”
Andrew looks down to find Carey and Joe sat on the floor, arm in arm, leaning against the wall. They too are all sweaty and worn out.
“You guys looks like you’re having fun,” Andrew says, loudly, so that they can hear him. Then, mostly to himself, he adds, “at least somebody is.”
“We haven’t stopped drinking and dancing since we got here!” Joe all but cheers, holding a glass of green bubbly liquid aloft, Carey has one too, she holds it between her legs.
“Where’s Jesse?“ She says, her cute little face all scrunched up and confused with drunkenness. “Are you two okay now? Are you boyfriends again?”
“No, he did a disappearing act on me,” Andrew replies, trying not to laugh at the way her hair is all stuck up in the middle like a chicken. At least Carey can cheer him up, albeit inadvertently. “I don’t know what’s going on. He’s been giving me major mixed signals here.”
“Oh, Sweetheart!” She cries, putting way too much emphasis on that last syllable, patting his shin.
“You want my advice, Andy-Roo?” Joe says. He’s only been here for like an hour and his words are already slurring.
“Not really,” Andrew admits, “but hey, I’ve got nothing to lose.”
Joe points a single finger and waves his arm around all over the place. “You should just go find him and kiss him, like… right now!”
“You really think that’ll work?”
“Of course, I studied biology in college, Man,“ Joe replies, sounding like a douchebag frat guy all over again. “I know how these things work.”
Andrew just stares at him. “You studied veterinary science.”
“It’s the same thing.”
Andrew continues to stare. “It’s really not.”
“Whatever, go kiss him, like, now!”
Then, Carey starts chanting like a demented cheerleader, pumping her fist in the air. “Now, now, now, now!”
Then Joe. “Now, now, now, now!”
Then some people about five feet away that they’ve never even met. “Now, now, now, now!”
“Okay!” Andrew lifts both hands in protest and begins to back away slowly. “Fine, whatever. I‘ll go look for him, anything to make you guys stop!”
“Don‘t just look for him! Find him!” Joe calls, but Andrew‘s already walking away. “Find the… find the Jesse. Find the J-Man!”
“I’m trying!” Andrew yells.
Then, as if fate itself has intervened, like Moses parting the Red Sea, a gap in the crowd finally forms, and, looking right the way through it, Andrew sees Jesse. He smiles, ready to change direction.
But it’s not just Jesse standing there amongst a group of laughing partygoers, there’s another guy who appears to be entertaining the group. He’s tall, with dark hair and manly stubble, and an arm that appears to be way too possessive for Andrew’s liking, wrapped tight around Jesse’s shoulders. Andrew feels his face fall and his stomach clench at the sight. Jesse’s laughing, smiling up at this guy like he’s God’s gift to mankind, and he’s… got his arm around his waist.
The way they’re standing, this isn’t just a friendly thing, it’s something more than that.
“Hey, hey, hey!” All of a sudden, Emma and Ryan appear in Andrew‘s face, but he‘s not really looking at them. Emma continues on regardless. “So this party was kind of hectic and creepy to start with but once you get into it, it really gets- Hey, what’s wrong?”
Andrew doesn’t say a word, he couldn’t even if he wanted to. Every single part of him, including his vocal cords, are paralysed with shock. He can feel vomit rising in his throat, his knees weakening like he might fall.
Emma continues to stare at him, eyes wide with worry until she follows his gaze and they land on that guy. She spots him right as he leans over… and kisses Jesse.
“…oh shit.”
Expectations:
“This is, by far, the best party I’ve ever been to.”
“I’m glad to be of service.”
A couple of hours and a few drinks later, Andrew and Jesse find themselves leaning against the wall at the edge of the roof. Neither of them are looking at one another, they’re just… staring out across the city.
“Andrew…” Jesse sighs, reaching out to take Andrew’s hand where it’s resting on the wall “…what happened to us?”
“We broke up,” Andrew replies simply, pretending that it doesn’t kill him to say that. He squeezes Jesse’s hand, marvelling at how right it still feels there.
“I broke up with you.”
“I know.”
“I’m sorry,” Jesse says, he sounds as though he hates himself.
And, well, despite how wonderfully the evening has been going right up until this point, Andrew can‘t help but take this as a chance to really rub it in, to really let Jesse know what he did to him. “You know, I came knocking at your door every few days for like two months after we broke up, I knew you were in there but you never answered, not once. No phone calls, no real explanation, not even a stupid little email or something. Nothing.”
“Again, I’m so-”
“Why’d you do it?” Andrew says quietly, turning to look at Jesse for the first time since this conversation started, he’s finally brave enough to ask.
“I told you,” Jesse replies, still facing forward.
“I don’t believe you. I didn’t believe any of your bullshit about me being too clingy and putting too much pressure on you and I still don‘t,” Andrew shakes his head, pulls his hand away from Jesse‘s and stares him down, demanding an explanation with his eyes. “You broke up with me for another reason, you’re scared of something, of something bigger, and I just want to know what it is. Don’t I deserve that at least?”
“Can’t we just leave this alone? I’m hurting too,” Jesse says, eyes scrunched up like he‘s in pain, like he wishes he could change something. “Just for now? Can’t we just pretend that never happened for a little while? Can’t we just pretend that everything’s okay?”
Andrew just stares at him for a few seconds, face hard. Part of him wants to yell, wants to demand that they talk about this right here and now, but the prospect of forgetting about all the pain and heartbreak, even for a few minutes, is difficult to turn down. It’s makes his stomach clench in that nervous-excited way that is does during that first sleep incline on a rollercoaster.
He reaches out to take Jesse‘s hand once more, watches him smile.
“Alright,” Andrew says, face softening. “That sounds like a good idea. But… what’s it like, in this world where everything is okay? Are we together?”
As Jesse says it, he slowly turns his head to look at Andrew, finally “…of course we are. It wouldn’t be okay if we weren’t, would it?”
Andrew looks down, chuckles a little “…you’re so right.”
Jesse kisses him.
Andrew didn’t see it coming, but as soon as that contact is made he feels as though they’ve travelled back in time to a point where everything really was okay. The kiss is soft, gentle and a little tentative, but it still sets Andrew’s nerves alight.
“Jesse?” Andrew whispers against his lips once they part, terrified that speaking any louder may cause him to wake up from this wonderful dream he’s having.
“Shh,” Jesse whispers back, “don’t ruin it. Follow me.”
“Where?”
“Just come on.” Jesse takes a step back, takes Andrew’s hand, and starts pulling. He’s dragging him, guiding him somewhere. No one bothers them or so much as looks as them as they head through the party, it’s like they’re not even there. Invisible. Ghosts. They’re heading towards the door that leads down from the roof, down the stairs, into the hall, and now Jesse’s got Andrew pressed up against his apartment door.
Déjà vu, much?
They’re kissing again, all quick and hot and needy with way too much tongue as if all the kisses they were meant to have over the last few months have been packed together as one. It’s sloppy and every now and then there’s the scrape of teeth, and normally Andrew wouldn’t enjoy this sort of thing, but it’s Jesse’s mouth and Jesse’s mouth is the best mouth.
Andrew has this urge to just re-learn Jesse all over again. He’s surprised by how much he’s forgotten. The way his Jesse’s hair feels when Andrew fists his hands into it, the sharpness of his hip bones as they’re pressed into Andrew’s, the precise plumpness of his bottom lip. Everything.
“Stay over,” Jesse says, breathless, pulling away from Andrew, but not so far that their lips aren’t touching any more.
Andrew experiences a weird spasm beneath his solar plexus… on top of every other physical sensation that he‘s currently feeling. “I’m sorry?” he chokes out.
“Stay here, with me, just for now.”
“But what about t-”
“Will you?”
Andrew had wanted to ask, “What about tomorrow? What about the next day, and the one after that? What about next week and next month and forever? Are we back together now? Is this it? Just… what?”
But then again, Jesse Eisenberg isn’t the sort of person that you say ‘no’ to, he’s definitely not the sort of person Andrew says ‘no’ to. Jesse had him pinned since the moment they met, and he’s still got this ridiculous hold over Andrew. Especially now, as he stares up at him with those big, impossibly blue eyes that you just want to drown in, with the full length of his body pressed up against Andrew’s, trapping him against the door, silently alluding to warmth and comfort and affection and love.
No, Andrew can’t say ‘no’ to that. Even if it is just for one night.
“Yeah… yeah, okay.”
Jesse takes in a deep breath, and smiles contentedly as he reaches for the door knob. “Okay.”
Reality:
For a while there, for a couple of weeks at least, Andrew began to feel as though his heart was starting to repair itself, as if that crack that shot right the way through it after the break up was beginning to stitch itself back together again with the prospect of a second chance. Hope can do that to you.
But now, Andrew feels as though someone has plunged their hand deep into his rib cage and pulled his heart out right before his eyes. He feels dead on his feet, but then again, dead people don’t hurt this much.
It wasn’t even a long kiss, it was a peck if anything, over before he knew it, but still, it’s enough…
“Oh, Andrew,” Emma says, voice full of sympathy. She touches his shoulder. “Honey, are you okay?”
To Andrew, it sounds as though she’s speaking to him through water, like she’s somewhere far away, just a fading voice in his head as he stands there, utterly dumbfounded. All he can find himself focusing on right now is Jesse… and that guy. Whoever he is. The music? Gone. The other people standing around them? Gone. His friends standing behind him? Gone.
Looking at the pair of them, Andrew wants to cry, throw up, scream until he can scream no more, and run away all at the same time. He can’t make sense of any of it. It’s like someone has taken his worst nightmare and played it out before his eyes. The tears are coming, his throat tightening. The fight or flight reflex kicks in, and he chooses flight.
Emma dashes after him as he turns and starts walking. “Where are you going?”
“Away?” He calls over his shoulder, tone sarcastic and full of malice. It isn’t even her fault, but he can’t help it, right now he’s lost all faith in humanity. “Home? Anywhere that isn’t here?”
“Andrew, it might not be what you think it is.”
“I know what I saw!” He yells, voice catching in the middle over a vicious sob that he fights to keep down. Not now, don’t do this now. “I can’t be here any more, I can’t let him do this to me any more, I have to go!”
Her slim fingers catch his wrist, wrapping around it, gripping him tight and trying to keep him where he is. “Well let me come with you at least, you can’t walk all the way home like this!”
“Can’t I?” He attempts to rip his arm from her grasp, refusing to show her his face, but she holds fast. “Emma! Just - stay - here!”
Even Ryan jumps at that, and the next thing Emma says rings in Andrew’s ears as clear as a bell tolls, and her fingers gently fall away.
“Okay.”
If you were to ask Andrew about it now, he’d tell you that a small part of him really wanted Emma -Ryan, Joe, all of them- to leave too and follow him home. But a larger part -the big, heartbroken, prideful part of him- just didn’t want them to see him cry.
Once he gets out of the door, down the stairs, and back into the hallway outside Jesse’s apartment, Andrew just runs. Runs all the way home. The cold night wind whips at his face, his eyes and throat sting, and this tux definitely wasn’t made for running, but he keeps on going. He doesn’t stop, for people or for traffic, until he gets home, where he falls onto his bed and chokes out dry, pathetic sobs through tears that don’t show any sign of letting up.
~
Part Seven
Part: Six
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Jewnicorn/(500) Days Of Summer crossover. Loosely based on the plot of the film.
Disclaimer: Never happened, all a figment of my imagination. I am not affiliated with anyone mentioned in this work of fiction. (500) Days Of Summer is property of Fox Searchlight Pictures.
A/N: Remember to pay close attention to the numbers before each section, they denote the number of days that Andrew and Jesse have known one another at each point -same as the film, of course- it'll help you in keeping track of where they are on their 500 day timeline :)
Beta: musicallyalive - I just want to thank her for being so amazing, for proof-reading this for me, and for keeping me motivated with her awesome pep talks. <3
Previous: Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four | Part Five
~
(410)
“So, um, what do you think? Should I go?”
Emma does that stereotypical thing that women do when they cock their head to the side, place a hand on their hip and frown. “Honey, I really don’t know.”
“What do you mean, you don’t know?” Andrew replies. He leans back on his stool, tipping it onto two legs, and just stares at her. “You always know. You know everything, you‘re practically omniscient.”
“I know,” Emma smirks playfully, “I’m just having an off day I guess.”
Andrew tips forward again, back onto four legs, and leans across the counter so that he‘s right in Emma‘s face. He comes to this diner so often nowadays, to talk to Emma, to get advice and whatnot, that it‘s starting to feel like the only place in which he feels okay, despite the fact that he and Jesse broke up here.
At home, everything reminds him of Jesse and because he lives alone with no one to talk to, he has even more time to ponder over that stuff. More time to ponder over how well Jesse fit into his red velvet arm-chair, the couch they watched movies on, the bed they slept -and did other stuff- in, the shower in which they also did that ‘other stuff’, the kitchen where Jesse used to make pancakes, his ‘speciality’, the framed Mike Dirnt poster. And yeah, sure, right now there is some small chance that he and Jesse could get back together soon, but that’s only if Andrew manages to pluck up enough courage to go to Jesse’s party next week.
“This could be my chance, Em,” Andrew says for what has to be the millionth time. A huge part of him craves Emma’s approval because she is the one constant voice of reason in his life.
“Sure, but what if things don't go in the way that you want them to?” She’s taken to drying a mug now, and looks at Andrew using this expression that seems to cry ’I feel so sorry for you’ and ’You’re a hopeless idiot’ all at the same time. “What if Jesse just invited you as a friend and things get totally awkward?”
“It’ll be awkward either way, and anyway, you didn’t see him at the wedding,” Andrew‘s face splits into a smile. “we held hands on the train an-“
“He fell asleep on your shoulder and he said he missed sleeping in your bed and everything felt so right,” Emma rolls her eyes.
“Exactly.” Emma‘s blatant mockery doesn‘t seem to have affected Andrew. “So don’t you think I should at least give it a shot? When I said I hated him you told me I was lying and you were right, so I figured of all people, you would want me to try and work things out with him.”
Emma shrugs. “I just don’t want you getting hurt again.”
“I’ll never know unless I go, right? Sure, I could choose not to go but then I’ll spend the rest of my life wondering what could have been. If I don’t go I might end up old and alone in an apartment with nothing but a parakeet for company. I need to go, even if things go wrong, just for some closure or something.”
“Hmm,” Emma widens her eyes, “you know, I hate to admit it, but I guess you’re right. I guess you should go, for closure at least, and anything else on top of that is a bonus.”
“Exactly,” Andrew replies, still smiling. “So, are you gonna come?”
“Do you want me to?”
“Sure I do, for moral support and guidance and stuff. Plus, like I said, Jesse invited you too. As well as Ryan, Joe, Carey and Justin. The more people that go the more it’ll feel like an actual party, it’ll probably decrease the awkwardness too.”
Emma smiles, pointing at him. “And, the more that it feels like a party, the more likely people are going to get drunk, which in turn will increase your of chances of taking part in a drunken make out session with the host.”
A disembodied voice on Andrew’s right hand side says, “He doesn’t just want some drunken make out session, he wants something better than that, he was in love with the guy.”
Andrew turns to see who it is, and it’s Emma’s boyfriend, Ryan, sat on the stool next to him with this benign look on his face. That’s one thing that Andrew has noticed about Ryan, the guy doesn’t really say much -a trait that’s emphasised even further when he’s with Emma, because she never stops talking- but whenever he does speak, he’s usually got something useful to tell you. Andrew just smiles fondly at his contented, relaxed expression.
“He’s still in love with the guy,” Emma says to him, then she frowns, “and where the hell did you come from?”
“Outside,” Ryan answers simply.
Emma narrows her eyes and turns to put the cup she was drying back into the cupboard behind her. “How did you know we were talking about Jesse?”
“Lucky guess?” Ryan shrugs. “Hey, could I get a coffee please, Sweetheart?”
Andrew looks from Ryan, and back to Emma. “You know, guys, right now, from Jesse, I’d happily take a drunken make out session.”
“So it’s decided then?” Emma asks. “We’re all going?”
Andrew nods. “We’re going.”
(418)
Forty-five minutes early, Andrew walks in to the lobby of Jesse’s apartment building, intoxicated by the potential of the evening and filled with hope. He’s spent the last eight days thinking about tonight, about the possibilities, and he’s starting to genuinely believe, that for once in his life, his expectations will finally line up with reality.
Expectations:
Andrew waits alone in the lobby for a half hour before the others decide to show their faces. His stomach doesn’t stop churning painfully until the door flies open, and Joe Mazzello, dressed in a shirt and tie, stands in the doorway with Carey -in a very pretty dress- on his arm, and says. “We have arrived!”
“Oh, thank God,” Andrew exhales for what feels like the first time in hours, he feels as though he’s been holding his breath in anticipation all day.
The other three are all right behind Carey and Joe, in similar states of dress, shirts and ties for the guys -Justin’s in his work suit again- and Emma, like Carey, is in a dress, her hair all done up.
She dashes forward and slaps both hands onto Andrew’s chest, making him recoil a little in panic. “Check you out, looking all snazzy and handsome!”
“Looking sharp, Man,” Ryan winks from behind her.
“You‘re wearing a tux,” Justin says monotonously, eyeing Andrew. “You look like a magician.”
“Shut up,” Andrew snaps, straightening his bowtie, “you look like an over-worked stock broker.”
“You’re telling the story of my life, Homie.” Justin sticks his hands into the pockets of his overcoat and inclines his head in the general direction of the stairs. “Now can we get up there already? I need to get some alcohol in me.”
They make their way up, and Andrew gets increasingly more terrified with each step, trying to ease his nerves by firing questions at Emma about the dress code and whether or not Jesse will like the record he’s bought him. Emma assures him that the dress code is semi-formal and that Andrew won’t look out of place in what he’s wearing - she’d called Jesse a few days ago just to check.
From behind, Justin calls out, “You’re wearing a tux, Man. That’s not semi-formal, that’s full blown ‘Hi, would you like to sample the caviar?‘, ‘Spot of tea?’, ‘Anyone for croquet?’ formal.”
“I think you look great,” Emma says, touching Andrew‘s shoulder and pushing him on in an attempt to keep him from glaring back at Justin. “Ignore him, I’m sure Jesse will like the fact that you put so much effort into this.”
“Yeah? Here it is,” Andrew says, exhaling hard as the group come to a halt just outside of Jesse’s apartment door. He hasn’t seen what’s behind this door in so long, the sight of Jesse’s apartment will probably bring back more memories than the thought of what went on inside his own. He just hopes that Jesse hasn’t gone around the place and removed every last trace of Andrew, and made it look as though he’s never been there. He hopes Jesse hasn’t gotten rid of the Green Day lyrics he’d spelled out with magnets on the fridge.
“There’s a sign on the door,” Carey says, pointing. Every one turns to look, and written on an piece of A4 in Jesse’s handwriting are the words - “Go to the roof!”
“No way!” Joe cries, full of excitement. “A roof party? How awesome is Jesse? Let’s go!”
He pulls Carey along behind him -he doesn’t even know how to get to the roof, but Joe has this sixth sense when it comes to finding a nearby party- Justin and Ryan soon follow, and Andrew feels inexplicably worried.
Emma looks at him, a comforting smile on her face. “Rooftop party, night sky, stars. Could be romantic?”
Andrew thinks about it for a moment, and yeah, she could be right.
Reality:
Andrew charges up the stairs towards Jesse’s apartment -leaving the others at the bottom to catch up- infuriated. “I cannot believe you guys did this to me.”
“Did what?” Justin calls, partly annoyed and partly confused as he runs up the stairs behind Andrew.
“Why didn’t any of you tell me we had to come in casual dress?” Andrew stops at the top and stares down at the five of them dressed in jeans, t-shirts, hoodies and sneakers. “Did Jesse call you or something?”
“No,” Emma speaks slowly, “and calm down, we just assumed that since it’s a house party, it’d be casual dress.”
“Seriously, Man,” Joe adds, appearing to be fighting off laughter. “Who wears a tux to a house party, really?”
“Thanks for the support.” They‘ve all reached the landing now, and Andrew just walks on without them, head bowed, mumbling to himself. He’s blushing and he hasn’t even reached the party yet. “Shit, I’m gonna look like such an idiot, not to mention Jesse’s going to think I’m an idiot. You’re right, who comes to a house party in a tux?”
“For what it’s worth, I think you look nice,” Carey adds quietly from behind, her voice sweet and unsure, as if she’s afraid that she may be speaking out of turn.
“Thanks Carey, but I’m still gonna look out of place.” Andrew stops just outside of Jesse‘s door, presses his forehead against the wall, and is surprised that he can’t hear any music thumping through the walls. “Oh God, I feel like I’m gonna throw up.”
“Calm. Down,” Emma repeats, placing her hands on his back, she sounds a little put out. “If Jesse is truly looking to get back together with you, I don’t think he’s going to give a flying fuck about what you’re wearing, he’d just be happy that you’re here, right?”
“Right,” Ryan says, shrugging as he looks around at the others.
“You think?” Andrew asks, speaking to the wallpaper, vaguely hoping that a hole in the ground would just open up and swallow him already.
“I know.” Emma grabs both of his shoulders and forces him to spin around. She smiles brightly and leans forward so that she’s right in his face. “I’m practically omniscient, remember?”
It’s then that Carey notices the sign on the door, and this is one of the few times of the night when Andrew’s expectations do meet up reality. Joe gets all excited, runs off to find the party, and for the millionth time, Emma hangs back and reassures Andrew that everything’s going to be okay, and he believes her.
Expectations:
After running up a few more flights of stairs behind Joe, they make it to the roof. The door is propped open with a chair, and as they step through it, Andrew hears them gasp.
Paper lanterns with candles in them are set up all over the place, and there’s fairy lights strung from every possible place that they could be strung, the sky is inky black and the stars can be seen despite the fact that they’re in the middle of the city, and there are little tables and chairs set up and to Andrew it feels like one of those monumental, magical nights during which everything just goes… right.
“This is beautiful,” Emma says breathlessly, hugging Ryan’s arm. “Isn’t it?”
It’s a little cold but not uncomfortably so, and there are only about twenty or so people here, a small thing, just like Jesse had said.
“It’s stunning,” Ryan says. “Where’s Jesse?”
“There!” Carey cries from behind Andrew, she points over his shoulder and he follows the direction of her hand to spot Jesse on the other side of the roof, leaning against the wall with a small glass in his hand as he talks to a guy and a girl who appear to be a couple.
When he sees him there, Andrew experiences that same feeling that he felt the night he and Jesse first made love. The night when he walked out of his bathroom to find Jesse naked on his bed. It wasn’t some dirty, primitive feeling. In that moment all those months ago he felt as though his heart had stopped, as if his throat had closed up around words he was too shocked and happy to speak, like he could cry because he‘d found it. Him. The one person he‘d spent his whole life searching for.
He felt that same way when Jesse told him that he loved him, and looking back, Andrew’s pretty sure that he felt the same way when he saw Jesse sing for the first time at that karaoke bar. He feels the same way now because Jesse looks… beautiful, perfect, and Andrew’s starting to think that now fate has fixed Armie up with his angel, then maybe it’s his turn now, Andrew’s turn.
“Yo Jesse!” Justin yells unceremoniously, knocking Andrew out of his reverie.
Jesse looks up, and after a brief moment of surprise, he smiles at the sight of them there -one of his signature wide, bright, contagious smiles- and he laughs in shock as he dashes across the roof to meet them. “Oh my god, you all came! This is amazing.”
Andrew had been mildly worried about his tux, but Jesse’s dressed up too, in one of those run of the mill black pants, black jacket, white shirt, black tie outfits, but regardless… he looks stunning, delicious. His hair is more wavy than curly tonight and the yellow light of the candles and fairy lights catches on it, making it look more auburn than brunette. He looks angelic. Andrew could probably spend the whole night staring at Jesse without saying a word and he’d be happy with it.
As Jesse reaches out to hug Emma, then Ryan, he says, “Hello! I haven’t seen you all in so long, I missed you all so much.”
“We missed you too, Bud,” Joe says as he pats Jesse on the back and walks on to find himself a drink, probably. Andrew hopes to God that he isn’t going to end up pulling a candle out of one of those paper lanterns and inviting some stranger to pour the wax on his nipples like at Emma‘s. Andrew hopes for Carey’s sake, mostly.
Jesse smiles even harder and rounds on Joe as if he‘s brought him the best gift in the world. “You brought Carey!”
“Hi,” she says sweetly, hugging him before following Joe into the party.
“There’s drinks and food and stuff on that table over there, help yourself!” Jesse calls back to them, then he turns around again. “Hey, Justin. No date?”
“No,” Justin laughs, scrunching his face up as if Jesse has somehow offended him, “you know I fly solo.”
“Lone wolf, I get it,” Jesse nods, smiling. “Go get yourself a drink.”
“As you wish,” Justin salutes and walks away.
Then it’s just Andrew and Jesse left there. They’re quiet for a moment or two, listening to Green Day’s Warning album turned down low, pouring out of Jesse’s vinyl player, and the happy chatter of the people around them.
Andrew’s got this goofy, knowing smile on his face, Jesse does too, and whilst Jesse’s smile may be a little smaller than earlier on, it isn’t any less happy. He takes a couple of tentative steps towards Andrew, his hands in his pockets, and says, “Hey, you.”
Andrew can feel himself blush like a school girl, he looks down at his feet. “Hey, you.”
“You look great.”
“Have you seen you?” Andrew looks up again, bewildered, eyeing Jesse’s well… everything. “This party, it’s amazing, really.”
“Thanks,“ Jesse replies, quiet and disbelieving, in the same way that he said ‘Really?‘ on the day he and Andrew first met. He takes another step forward and reaches up to wrap his arms around Andrew’s neck in a hug, his lips grazing Andrew’s cheek as he goes, “and thanks for coming, it really means a lot to me.”
Andrew almost chokes up as he hugs Jesse back, contemplating never letting go, never again “…it’s no problem, really.”
Jesse’s the one to break it up, and as he does he looks down at the bag Andrew’s holding, an eyebrow raised in curiosity. “Hey, what’s that?”
“Oh, this?” Andrew had all but forgotten about the record, he hands the bag over to Jesse and watches -heart thumping in his chest- as he slides it out. “It’s for you, I remember you saying you didn’t have it yet, so I…”
“Oh Andrew…“
Jesse’s staring down at the cover, but from the tone of his voice, Andrew knows that he’s smiling. Just to check, he says, “Do you like it?”
“I love it!” Jesse looks up and that big, big grin is back on his face again, shaking his head. “Thank you so much, this is amazing. I don‘t know what to say.”
“’Thank you‘, maybe?” Andrew jokes, wishing that he could just take Jesse somewhere and cuddle him all night, his hands are shaking at the thought of it. “Though, I guess you already said that…”
“Yeah. You know what?“ Jesse turns and slowly begins to walk over to the other side of the roof, towards where the vinyl player is set up. “I’m gonna put it straight on, right now.”
“Really? Now?” Andrew says, following him.
“Of course,” Jesse cuts off Green Day mid guitar solo -something Andrew would never imagine him to do- and replaces the record with his new one. As the opening track begins to play, he sighs contentedly and looks over at Andrew “…you’re incredible.”
Reality:
They hear the party before they see it. As they head up the last flight of stairs to the roof, the chorus of Sum 41’s In Too Deep echoes down towards them, and Joe cheers at that.
When they’re finally up on the roof, when they finally see the party, however, Andrew’s blown away by the sheer amount of people up here. There has to be at least a hundred people, all packed together, dancing and jumping and drinking, holding red solo cups above their heads. Andrew wasn’t even aware of the fact that Jesse knew so many people. All of their voices mix into a dull roar atop of the music that’s blasting so loudly that it makes Andrew’s ears hurt a little bit. To make it worse, everyone is dressed causally, and he feels even more out of place here in his tux, he feels like he’s at the wrong party, Jesse would never throw something like this.
“Oh, this is fucking sweet!” Joe yells, sounding more like a nineteen year old at a frat party than a qualified vet with a date. “Come on, Carey, let’s dance!”
They disappear into a nearby crowd, and Justin soon leaves saying that he needs to get a drink, and Andrew just stands there all wide-eyed, out of his depth and unsure of what to do. Jesse is no where to be seen amongst all of these people, how are they supposed to have a serious conversation about their relationship now?
“Hey guys! Guys!” It’s the booming voice of Armie Hammer coming towards them, swaying slightly with a bottle of beer in each hand, all big and intimidating despite the huge smile on his face. “You came!”
“Armie!” Emma yells excitedly.
“Hey!”
“Hey!”
“Hey,” Andrew says monotonously, trying to crane around Armie to look into the chaos that is this party. “Where’s Jesse?”
“No idea,“ Armie replies bluntly, still yelling over the music. “Last time I saw him he was somewhere over there mixing a drink for…” Armie squints and turns to look back into the party“…someone. Some girl, I don’t know her name.” He looks back to Andrew and laughs. “I don’t know most of the people here, truth be told.”
“I thought this was meant to be a small thing,” Andrew says. Well, he’s yelling too. “Like… really small.”
“That was the plan at first, yeah, but Elizabeth and I decided that we’d had enough of the tame stuff at the wedding reception. We had to be all sweet and polite since our families were there, but we’re with friends now, so why not have a proper party?”
“Good for you!” Emma cries.
“So yeah, have fun! I gotta go find Elizabeth, so grab a drink and dance, yeah?” Armie leaves Andrew, Emma and Ryan there and wades into the crowd, pushing dancers aside as if he‘s walking through a field of tall grass.
Emma looks past Ryan and into Andrew‘s face -all worried and flushed- with sympathy. “I’m gonna go look for him!” She cries. “I know what you want, you wait here with Ryan and I’ll find Jesse for you, okay?”
She places a kiss on Ryan’s cheek and dashes off, leaving the two guys there.
“What do you think, Ryan?” Andrew asks without looking at him, staring off into space. “Do you reckon it’ll work out for me?”
“I think it will,” Ryan speaks so quietly, but Andrew can still hear him regardless. “I think you’ll get want you want eventually, but it probably won’t come to you in the way that you expect. Things never do.”
Andrew mulls that over for a second, but then he hears a voice, a voice that makes him refocus his gaze.
“I have no idea what it’s called, but it tastes great so give it a try, yeah?”
Andrew looks up and feels his chest tighten at the sight of Jesse, walking out of the crowd with a girl who appears to be holding the same drink Andrew made Jesse that night in the bar, the pink one.
“Jesse?” Andrew says, head tilted to the left, smiling. Then, he realises that he’s whispering to himself, and pipes up louder, waving. “Hey, Jesse!”
Jesse looks up, eyes meeting Andrew‘s. His mouth goes all slack and Andrew can see his tongue moving around inside, as if Jesse wants to say something, but isn‘t sure what. He blinks rapidly and Andrew feels even more overdressed at the sight of Jesse in a pair of sweatpants and an old Green Day shirt that he tends to sleep in. His curls are all messed up and fluffy, as if he’s just got out of bed, and he’s carrying a bottle of beer. He continues to eye Andrew incredulously -like he can’t believe he‘s really there- for a few more seconds before his body finally seems to catch up with his brain.
He smiles so brightly that Andrew weakens at the knees a little. “You came!”
“Of course I did,” Andrew replies, grinning back. As he walks towards him, out of the corner of his eye, Andrew sees Ryan nod, as if he knew this would happen. “Did Emma find you?”
“No,” Jesse yells back, stepping closer so that they can speak a little easier. “Was she supposed to?”
“I think so ye-”
“That’s it!” Emma practically fall outs of a group of dancers as if she’s been pushed, hair a mess and her hoodie practically falling off of her body. “I give up! I can’t find hi- Jesse?!”
“Hey!” Jesse says, looking as though he’s trying not to laugh. He just stares at her for a second then says “…so, how’ve you been?”
“I had my ass grabbed four times in there!” She cries, arms flailing in the general direction of the dancers. “I think one of them was a girl!”
“Sorry about that,” Jesse laughs, “I hope you’re okay.”
“Oh, I‘m fine! The girl was the only one that was gentle with me,” Emma huffs, straightening out her hoodie and heading back towards Ryan. She yells about wanting ‘Some sambuca, already!’
And now it’s just Jesse and Andrew. It’s like they’re in the eye of the storm, all quiet and still in the middle of the party whilst everyone else has fun and dances and drinks around them. Deryck Whibley’s nasal singing voice sounds as though it’s coming from some party a few blocks away rather than the one they’re actually part of. The tension between them is palpable as they stand there just looking at one another with these goofy smiles on their faces. It’s not even sexual tension, it’s like… romantic tension. Andrew doesn’t want to rip Jesse’s clothes off and do with him what he will, he just wants to grab him and hold him and make him promise that they’ll never be apart again.
“Hey, so, um…” Jesse says finally, “are you gonna do magic?”
“What?” Andrew laughs, confused.
“The tux,” Jesse gestures towards Andrew’s torso without actually touching him. “You look like a magician.”
“Shut up!” Andrew shoves him gently. “How was I to know that this wasn’t a formal thing?”
“It’s a roof party,” Jesse smirks, and then he looks down at Andrew’s hands, at the bag he’s holding.
“Hey, what’s that?”
“Oh this? I just uh… I got this for you.”
“What is it?” Jesse places his drink down on the ground.
“Have a look and you‘ll see.”
Andrew smiles a little as he stuffs his hands into the pockets of his jacket, watching Jesse open his gift and waiting for another pretty smile to spill across his face.
“You got me the new blink-182 album?” Jesse just stares down at the record.
“Yeah, Neighborhoods. I remember at the wedding, you said you hadn’t managed to get it on vinyl yet. It’s two disc limited edition, on white vinyl,” Andrew leans down to speak right into Jesse’s ear.
Jesse finally looks up, but steps back at the same time, like he‘s uncomfortable with the close proximity. “Oh wow, thank you so much.”
“You gonna listen to it?”
“Well, I would, but it‘s so nice that I don‘t want it to get ruined here,” Jesse shrugs, sliding it back into the bag. “I’m gonna go put this away downstairs, I’ll be back in a sec, yeah?”
“Oh,” Andrew feels his face fall and his shoulders slump.
Jesse steps backwards, begins to walk away, “But thank you so much, this is awesome.”
Andrew just watches him walk away, severely down-heartened.
Expectations:
Andrew walks towards him, watching Jesse watching the record spin with this ridiculous, dorky smile on his face. Andrew’s happiness seems to be directly proportionate to Jesse’s, the more he smiles the more Andrew smiles. Andrew adores him every second of every day.
“You wanna go sit down and grab something to drink?” Jesse says as Andrew approaches, looking up.
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”
The table they choose to sit at is almost completely occupied, Jesse introduces Andrew to a couple of his friends, Rooney and Max. Jesse’s boss, Aziz, is there too, looking a little uncomfortable with Ryan sat next to him, staring at him, asking him where he’s from. That’s the thing with Ryan -as lovely as he is- when he looks at someone, he really looks, and to new people, that can be a little unnerving.
“I’m from South Carolina, but my parents are from India.”
Ryan leans closer, invading his personal space without realising, smiling a little. “No kidding?
“So how are you… since a couple of weeks ago, anyway?” Jesse asks as he hands Andrew a beer that he just fetched for him from a nearby cooler.
“I’m great,” Andrew says, meaning it. “Like, before the wedding I felt kind of crappy, but things are definitely getting better.”
“I know the feeling,” Jesse’s smile radiates honesty. He takes a sip from the drink in his hand and Andrew feels his eyes widen when he looks at the glass, filled with a creamy pink liquid.
“Hey, is that my girly cocktail you‘re drinking?” Andrew says playfully.
“Mmm!” Jesse swallows his current mouthful, then says, “Yep! I drink nothing else nowadays. In terms of alcohol, anyway.”
Andrew pokes Jesse in the chest with the neck of his beer bottle. “Maybe we can do some more tequila shots later?”
“You’ll have to get me drunk first.”
Andrew turns away from him a little, taking a sip from his beer, giving Jesse a sidelong glance. “That can be arranged.”
Jesse smirks. “I know it could.”
“Andrew!” He feels hands on his shoulders and looks up to find Elizabeth stood behind him, looking radiant in a pretty cream dress, all tanned from her honeymoon. “You’re here!”
“Yeah,” he turns in his seat to face her. “How was the honeymoon?”
“Amazing, but listen, I’ve got something for you,” she starts fishing around in her bag.
“A gift? For me?” Andrew gives Jesse a questioning glance, but he just shrugs, smiling fondly.
Elizabeth produces a stiff white envelope and hands it over to Andrew, commanding him to open it, and he does. It contains a piece of paper, a photograph, the picture taken of he and Jesse at the wedding. Despite the fact that he felt so uncomfortable when it was taken, it actually looks pretty good.
“Oh wow,” Andrew smiles, breathless.
“I’ve got one too,” Jesse says, leaning over to have a look too, sliding an arm around Andrew‘s waist. Andrew feels at home there, encircled by that arm. “I’ve got it framed, it’s in my room.”
Andrew looks up at him, shocked and quiet. “In your room?”
Jesse shrugs a single shoulder “…well, yeah.”
Looking down at it again, Andrew imagines Jesse’s copy framed in his bedroom. Jesse’s room, his one private corner of the world, a place where he keeps all of his memories and the people he never plans to forget.
And Andrew’s still there.
“I’m gonna go then,” Elizabeth says awkwardly. Andrew doesn’t see her leave, just hears her footsteps as she walks away because he’s too busy looking at Jesse. The sounds of everything around them just fades out until it’s nothing but a gentle hum of background noise.
“I really missed you,” Jesse whispers. “Even over the past two weeks… I missed you.”
Andrew can feel his heart swelling, fit to burst. “I miss you too, even now.”
Jesse bites his lip and smiles, and Andrew can feel the buzz of something between them, growing stronger by the second and pulling them in. Something’s going to happen tonight and it’s all he can do not to kiss him right now.
Reality:
Jesse left to put his record away downstairs, and as far as Andrew can tell, he never came back.
Well, of course, there is the possibility that he got lost somewhere in the party, but even so, Andrew hasn’t caught so much as a glimpse of him in the past hour or so. He can’t help but feel as though Jesse’s done this on purpose, and that kills him. Has he missed something? Has something changed in the last two weeks since the wedding? Was it all just some big, ridiculous dream?
Eventually, Andrew finds Justin over by the fire escape entertaining a small group of young women, a glass of whiskey in his hand and a gleam in his eye as he turns on the charm.
Andrew figures that hanging out with Justin tonight will be better than hanging out with no one, so he goes over, dragging his feet, head hung in shame, feeling pathetically sorry for himself.
“My man!” Justin calls, lifting his class into the air as he approaches. “Andrew Garfield everyone! Get over here!”
So Andrew, despite not really wanting to, speeds up. Once he reaches the group he finds the eyes of six pretty girls looking up at him, huge, enthusiastic smiles on the faces.
“Hey,” Andrew says monotonously, wishing he hasn’t decided to come over after all.
“Hi!” They cry in unison, way too happy for Andrew’s liking.
All of a sudden, as if from no where, Justin throws an arm around Andrew‘s shoulders, using the other -glass-holding hand- to gesture to one blonde girl in particular, then to the others. “Andrew, this is Dakota and…” Justin pauses for a second, face crumpled in confusion, as if trying to recall a distant memory “…her friends!”
They’re all looking at him again, eyes wide, waiting for him to say something witty like the funny guy in the tux is supposed to at these things. He’s got nothing, so he just says, “So, um, how do you know Jesse?”
“We all work with Elizabeth, so we know him through her,” Dakota says, smiling. “What about you?”
“He dumped me four and a half months ago.”
“Oh…” Her smile fades, and she looks away from him for the first time since he got here. Well, this is awkward.
Andrew shrugs, laughing a little. A quiet, desperate giggle, as if making a joke out of all this will somehow make him feel better about it , like he’s watching someone else’s crappy life unfold on some sitcom, rather than his own. “Yeah. I‘m his ex.”
“Hey!” Justin cries, starting to pull Andrew away from the group. “Speaking of Jesse! Excuse me ladies…” He lowers his voice, speaking to Andrew through gritted teeth “…why aren’t you with him now?”
Andrew gets it, Justin wants him to go away, he’s cramping his style. What a great friend, just what he needs right now. Andrew steps away from Justin‘s arm, it flops off of his shoulders. “I can’t find him, he went downstairs like an hour ago and he said he’d come back, but he didn’t.”
“Well, shit,” Justin says, wide-eyed. “Go look for him.”
“Why?”
“Because, one, it’d make you happy, and two, you’re kind of putting a downer on things here.”
“What,” Andrew cranes his neck to look back at the girls, “with Dakota?”
“Yeah,” Justin blushes a little bit. Not such a suave ladies man any more.
“Okay, I’m gone,” Andrew huffs. As he leaves, he calls back, “hope she doesn’t break your heart!”
“Thanks!” Justin replies, waving a hand over his shoulder. Clearly, he wasn’t listening.
So, Andrew looks for Jesse. Pretty much everywhere. He tries to make his way through the crowd of dancers but he gets half way through and finds that he’s getting pushed about all over the place and more than fifteen people make snide comments about his choice of attire. He can’t get back though, so his only choice is to keep going.
When he’s finally spat out on the other side, he feels as though someone has just given birth to him all over again. He’s covered in sweat -most of it not even his- he’s boiling hot, and he’s severely out of breath from having to shove his way out. All of that, and he couldn’t find anyone. He’s at the edge of the roof now, where the wall is, where people can stand and look over into the city. Andrew leans against it and tries to get some air back into his lungs.
“Andrew!”
It’s a voice coming from somewhere down below, a female voice. Someone’s tugging on his leg. “Hey, Andrew!”
Andrew looks down to find Carey and Joe sat on the floor, arm in arm, leaning against the wall. They too are all sweaty and worn out.
“You guys looks like you’re having fun,” Andrew says, loudly, so that they can hear him. Then, mostly to himself, he adds, “at least somebody is.”
“We haven’t stopped drinking and dancing since we got here!” Joe all but cheers, holding a glass of green bubbly liquid aloft, Carey has one too, she holds it between her legs.
“Where’s Jesse?“ She says, her cute little face all scrunched up and confused with drunkenness. “Are you two okay now? Are you boyfriends again?”
“No, he did a disappearing act on me,” Andrew replies, trying not to laugh at the way her hair is all stuck up in the middle like a chicken. At least Carey can cheer him up, albeit inadvertently. “I don’t know what’s going on. He’s been giving me major mixed signals here.”
“Oh, Sweetheart!” She cries, putting way too much emphasis on that last syllable, patting his shin.
“You want my advice, Andy-Roo?” Joe says. He’s only been here for like an hour and his words are already slurring.
“Not really,” Andrew admits, “but hey, I’ve got nothing to lose.”
Joe points a single finger and waves his arm around all over the place. “You should just go find him and kiss him, like… right now!”
“You really think that’ll work?”
“Of course, I studied biology in college, Man,“ Joe replies, sounding like a douchebag frat guy all over again. “I know how these things work.”
Andrew just stares at him. “You studied veterinary science.”
“It’s the same thing.”
Andrew continues to stare. “It’s really not.”
“Whatever, go kiss him, like, now!”
Then, Carey starts chanting like a demented cheerleader, pumping her fist in the air. “Now, now, now, now!”
Then Joe. “Now, now, now, now!”
Then some people about five feet away that they’ve never even met. “Now, now, now, now!”
“Okay!” Andrew lifts both hands in protest and begins to back away slowly. “Fine, whatever. I‘ll go look for him, anything to make you guys stop!”
“Don‘t just look for him! Find him!” Joe calls, but Andrew‘s already walking away. “Find the… find the Jesse. Find the J-Man!”
“I’m trying!” Andrew yells.
Then, as if fate itself has intervened, like Moses parting the Red Sea, a gap in the crowd finally forms, and, looking right the way through it, Andrew sees Jesse. He smiles, ready to change direction.
But it’s not just Jesse standing there amongst a group of laughing partygoers, there’s another guy who appears to be entertaining the group. He’s tall, with dark hair and manly stubble, and an arm that appears to be way too possessive for Andrew’s liking, wrapped tight around Jesse’s shoulders. Andrew feels his face fall and his stomach clench at the sight. Jesse’s laughing, smiling up at this guy like he’s God’s gift to mankind, and he’s… got his arm around his waist.
The way they’re standing, this isn’t just a friendly thing, it’s something more than that.
“Hey, hey, hey!” All of a sudden, Emma and Ryan appear in Andrew‘s face, but he‘s not really looking at them. Emma continues on regardless. “So this party was kind of hectic and creepy to start with but once you get into it, it really gets- Hey, what’s wrong?”
Andrew doesn’t say a word, he couldn’t even if he wanted to. Every single part of him, including his vocal cords, are paralysed with shock. He can feel vomit rising in his throat, his knees weakening like he might fall.
Emma continues to stare at him, eyes wide with worry until she follows his gaze and they land on that guy. She spots him right as he leans over… and kisses Jesse.
“…oh shit.”
Expectations:
“This is, by far, the best party I’ve ever been to.”
“I’m glad to be of service.”
A couple of hours and a few drinks later, Andrew and Jesse find themselves leaning against the wall at the edge of the roof. Neither of them are looking at one another, they’re just… staring out across the city.
“Andrew…” Jesse sighs, reaching out to take Andrew’s hand where it’s resting on the wall “…what happened to us?”
“We broke up,” Andrew replies simply, pretending that it doesn’t kill him to say that. He squeezes Jesse’s hand, marvelling at how right it still feels there.
“I broke up with you.”
“I know.”
“I’m sorry,” Jesse says, he sounds as though he hates himself.
And, well, despite how wonderfully the evening has been going right up until this point, Andrew can‘t help but take this as a chance to really rub it in, to really let Jesse know what he did to him. “You know, I came knocking at your door every few days for like two months after we broke up, I knew you were in there but you never answered, not once. No phone calls, no real explanation, not even a stupid little email or something. Nothing.”
“Again, I’m so-”
“Why’d you do it?” Andrew says quietly, turning to look at Jesse for the first time since this conversation started, he’s finally brave enough to ask.
“I told you,” Jesse replies, still facing forward.
“I don’t believe you. I didn’t believe any of your bullshit about me being too clingy and putting too much pressure on you and I still don‘t,” Andrew shakes his head, pulls his hand away from Jesse‘s and stares him down, demanding an explanation with his eyes. “You broke up with me for another reason, you’re scared of something, of something bigger, and I just want to know what it is. Don’t I deserve that at least?”
“Can’t we just leave this alone? I’m hurting too,” Jesse says, eyes scrunched up like he‘s in pain, like he wishes he could change something. “Just for now? Can’t we just pretend that never happened for a little while? Can’t we just pretend that everything’s okay?”
Andrew just stares at him for a few seconds, face hard. Part of him wants to yell, wants to demand that they talk about this right here and now, but the prospect of forgetting about all the pain and heartbreak, even for a few minutes, is difficult to turn down. It’s makes his stomach clench in that nervous-excited way that is does during that first sleep incline on a rollercoaster.
He reaches out to take Jesse‘s hand once more, watches him smile.
“Alright,” Andrew says, face softening. “That sounds like a good idea. But… what’s it like, in this world where everything is okay? Are we together?”
As Jesse says it, he slowly turns his head to look at Andrew, finally “…of course we are. It wouldn’t be okay if we weren’t, would it?”
Andrew looks down, chuckles a little “…you’re so right.”
Jesse kisses him.
Andrew didn’t see it coming, but as soon as that contact is made he feels as though they’ve travelled back in time to a point where everything really was okay. The kiss is soft, gentle and a little tentative, but it still sets Andrew’s nerves alight.
“Jesse?” Andrew whispers against his lips once they part, terrified that speaking any louder may cause him to wake up from this wonderful dream he’s having.
“Shh,” Jesse whispers back, “don’t ruin it. Follow me.”
“Where?”
“Just come on.” Jesse takes a step back, takes Andrew’s hand, and starts pulling. He’s dragging him, guiding him somewhere. No one bothers them or so much as looks as them as they head through the party, it’s like they’re not even there. Invisible. Ghosts. They’re heading towards the door that leads down from the roof, down the stairs, into the hall, and now Jesse’s got Andrew pressed up against his apartment door.
Déjà vu, much?
They’re kissing again, all quick and hot and needy with way too much tongue as if all the kisses they were meant to have over the last few months have been packed together as one. It’s sloppy and every now and then there’s the scrape of teeth, and normally Andrew wouldn’t enjoy this sort of thing, but it’s Jesse’s mouth and Jesse’s mouth is the best mouth.
Andrew has this urge to just re-learn Jesse all over again. He’s surprised by how much he’s forgotten. The way his Jesse’s hair feels when Andrew fists his hands into it, the sharpness of his hip bones as they’re pressed into Andrew’s, the precise plumpness of his bottom lip. Everything.
“Stay over,” Jesse says, breathless, pulling away from Andrew, but not so far that their lips aren’t touching any more.
Andrew experiences a weird spasm beneath his solar plexus… on top of every other physical sensation that he‘s currently feeling. “I’m sorry?” he chokes out.
“Stay here, with me, just for now.”
“But what about t-”
“Will you?”
Andrew had wanted to ask, “What about tomorrow? What about the next day, and the one after that? What about next week and next month and forever? Are we back together now? Is this it? Just… what?”
But then again, Jesse Eisenberg isn’t the sort of person that you say ‘no’ to, he’s definitely not the sort of person Andrew says ‘no’ to. Jesse had him pinned since the moment they met, and he’s still got this ridiculous hold over Andrew. Especially now, as he stares up at him with those big, impossibly blue eyes that you just want to drown in, with the full length of his body pressed up against Andrew’s, trapping him against the door, silently alluding to warmth and comfort and affection and love.
No, Andrew can’t say ‘no’ to that. Even if it is just for one night.
“Yeah… yeah, okay.”
Jesse takes in a deep breath, and smiles contentedly as he reaches for the door knob. “Okay.”
Reality:
For a while there, for a couple of weeks at least, Andrew began to feel as though his heart was starting to repair itself, as if that crack that shot right the way through it after the break up was beginning to stitch itself back together again with the prospect of a second chance. Hope can do that to you.
But now, Andrew feels as though someone has plunged their hand deep into his rib cage and pulled his heart out right before his eyes. He feels dead on his feet, but then again, dead people don’t hurt this much.
It wasn’t even a long kiss, it was a peck if anything, over before he knew it, but still, it’s enough…
“Oh, Andrew,” Emma says, voice full of sympathy. She touches his shoulder. “Honey, are you okay?”
To Andrew, it sounds as though she’s speaking to him through water, like she’s somewhere far away, just a fading voice in his head as he stands there, utterly dumbfounded. All he can find himself focusing on right now is Jesse… and that guy. Whoever he is. The music? Gone. The other people standing around them? Gone. His friends standing behind him? Gone.
Looking at the pair of them, Andrew wants to cry, throw up, scream until he can scream no more, and run away all at the same time. He can’t make sense of any of it. It’s like someone has taken his worst nightmare and played it out before his eyes. The tears are coming, his throat tightening. The fight or flight reflex kicks in, and he chooses flight.
Emma dashes after him as he turns and starts walking. “Where are you going?”
“Away?” He calls over his shoulder, tone sarcastic and full of malice. It isn’t even her fault, but he can’t help it, right now he’s lost all faith in humanity. “Home? Anywhere that isn’t here?”
“Andrew, it might not be what you think it is.”
“I know what I saw!” He yells, voice catching in the middle over a vicious sob that he fights to keep down. Not now, don’t do this now. “I can’t be here any more, I can’t let him do this to me any more, I have to go!”
Her slim fingers catch his wrist, wrapping around it, gripping him tight and trying to keep him where he is. “Well let me come with you at least, you can’t walk all the way home like this!”
“Can’t I?” He attempts to rip his arm from her grasp, refusing to show her his face, but she holds fast. “Emma! Just - stay - here!”
Even Ryan jumps at that, and the next thing Emma says rings in Andrew’s ears as clear as a bell tolls, and her fingers gently fall away.
“Okay.”
If you were to ask Andrew about it now, he’d tell you that a small part of him really wanted Emma -Ryan, Joe, all of them- to leave too and follow him home. But a larger part -the big, heartbroken, prideful part of him- just didn’t want them to see him cry.
Once he gets out of the door, down the stairs, and back into the hallway outside Jesse’s apartment, Andrew just runs. Runs all the way home. The cold night wind whips at his face, his eyes and throat sting, and this tux definitely wasn’t made for running, but he keeps on going. He doesn’t stop, for people or for traffic, until he gets home, where he falls onto his bed and chokes out dry, pathetic sobs through tears that don’t show any sign of letting up.
~
Part Seven