just to get through the day; emily/hanna, emily/ali
just to get through the day
hanna/emily, ali/emily. "If Emily squints, she could be Ali."
got bruises on my knees for you
Emily's always torn between two things. Whether it's Maya and Ali, her girlfriend or her family, swimming or a life, she always has to make a choice.
She's getting tired of it. Always fighting, always caring-- Emily wants to be the one to be fought for, just for once.
She presses her mouth to her wrist, stares out the window. It's a twisted thing to want, for someone to love her but for her not to love them… but. Well. Maybe Ali rubbed off on her, after all.
(sometimes she can still taste Ali's lipgloss, cherry flavored and it's sharp and sour and she'll run her tongue across her lips, even now, and she can still feel it. She once told Ali how she hated cherry. Ali hadn't seemed to care, much.)
::
Hanna smiles at Emily in class, blond hair and red lips and blue eyes. If Emily squints, she could be Ali.
She shakes her head right away, clears the thoughts. That's too screwed up, too dangerous. She can't just start wanting Hanna because she looks a little like. She stops. Even thinking this is too strange.
Hanna waits for her afterwards, flips her hair. "Off to science!" She cheers jokingly and Emily can almost picture Alison standing there, mouth curled up into a smirk, hand reaching out to touch her wrist. Come on, Em, we wouldn't want to be late for math, would we?
Emily grins shakily back at Hanna. She has the weirdest urge to touch her arm.
She doesn't.
::
They start studying together--well, they all do-- but Aria and Spencer will pair up and that leaves Emily and Hanna. Hanna, who doesn't want to study, who slams her book shut and looks at Emily instead. Hanna, who stares at her questionably and asks things like, "Who do you like now?" and "Maya and you still going strong?" And she doesn't sound mocking like Ali, but for a split second Emily can see Alison, words harsh and cruel, hands spread on the table before her, "So, any cute guys you've got your eye on? Or girls?" And she can hear the laugh that would follow, barking and mean and Emily would pretend it didn't sting as much as it would have.
"Emily? Hell-ooo?" Hanna waves her hand in front of her face. Emily blinks.
"Oh. Sorry. Um, no, nobody right now." Her words are quiet, and her fingers clench the countertop.
Hanna notices, slides her hand on top of hers.
Emily closes her eyes, hears, just practice.
::
("why are you looking at me like that?" "i'm looking at you the way i always look at you." "well. don't.")
::
Hanna starts waiting for her after class, books clutched to her chest and a silver bracelet hangs off her wrist.
Emily sees her the second she pushes past the throng of people, and it should be weird, probably, but it's… not. Emily offers to take some of her books, Hanna accepts, and Emily bites her lip so hard it draws blood when their hands meet.
"You okay?" Hanna asks, and she reaches out, touches the drop of crimson with the pad of her thumb. Emily freezes, heart stopping.
"You're bleeding." Hanna says and Emily brings her own finger up to her lip.
"Does it hurt?" She asks and the red stains Emily's fingertips.
"No," She says, and repeats it, "No. I don't feel anything."
Hanna grins and keeps walking, leaving Emily to run after her, catch up like she'd always had to catch up with Ali. She'd always been two steps behind, no matter what. Alison wouldn't have allowed it otherwise.
But then Hanna turns, looks back. "It's okay," she tells Emily, "I'll wait."
::
Emily and Hanna spend more and more time together, until it's almost every day. And then it is every day, and Emily doesn't really know what to do, and she figures Hanna's kinda become her best friend which is sort of weird. Because Hanna has Mona and Emily has, well. Had Maya. And Ali.
Maybe it's not so weird.
Hanna teaches her things about make up and clothes and Emily makes Hanna laugh somehow and most of her days now end with dark and light hair tangled against pillows, laughing so hard her ribs start to ache and it's nice, it's really nice.
(Sometimes, though, she'll think of Ali and her heart will hurt, mouth pausing as she stares into nothing, and Hanna will ask what's wrong but Emily will never answer.)
::
"So, did you ever think about it?" Hanna asks her one day, hands curled around a bottle of vodka.
"Think about what?"
"You know." She says, her eyes wide. "Kissing a girl. Besides Maya, that is."
Emily stares at Hanna for a little bit and she looks so much like Ali right then it throws Emily off.
"Uh-" She says, and pauses. "No. Not really."
Hanna nods, and takes another drink. Emily watches her, thinks only of her red lips wrapped around the bottle and she's suddenly, really overcome by the urge to kiss her.
Emily's past wondering if it's Ali or Hanna she wants to kiss. She takes the bottle from Hanna's hand, tosses her head back-- the liquid burns down her throat.
She figures it's probably both of them. Poor shy little Emily Fields would be that fucked up.
::
The first time Emily and Hanna kiss, it's soft and quiet and then it's not, Hanna pushing her up against the wall, fingers digging into her arms.
When she pulls back, she expects Hanna to freak out, to yell at her, to say "i'm not gay, i'm not" because that's what Ali had always done, denial firm against her tongue, in the way she would push her back. I'm not like YOU, Em. NOT like You. NOT YOU. never you.
Hanna instead gives her a small smile. "Was that… okay?" And Emily just looks at her, (that's not something Ali would say at all), hands still pressed to her sides.
"Aren't you… don't you think this is a mistake?" Emily asks, confusion etched into her expression.
Hanna shrugged, hands sliding down to Emily's, links their fingers.
"I'll try anything once." She says, and winks, presses her back against the wall again.
Emily tries very hard not to moan Alison against her tongue because Emily's eyes are half closed and all she can see is blond and blue and red lips, leaving imprints on her skin.
She ends up doing it anyway, and Hanna pretends not to notice, just grips her hips hard. Leaves bruises.
::
This whole making out in Hanna's basement starts to become a semi regular thing. And then it becomes a really regular thing, the kind of thing where Hanna will pull Emily out of class and slam her against the cold bathroom walls, one hand palming her breast, the other slipping underneath her jeans, stroking until she'll come with a blinding flash. Sometimes she'd say Ali, sometimes Hanna, sometimes a weird combination of the two, a mangled sigh into Hanna's neck.
Usually she says Ali.
Emily returns the favor most days, kissing down Hanna's neck, fingers working until she clenches around her, and Hanna will come with a scream of "ohgodohgodohgodemily" and most days, Emily manages to feel bad about it, the way Hanna kisses her right after, fierce and burning and full of desire.
She's not stupid enough to think Hanna actually wants something out of this, because sure, she's open minded, but she still doubts Hanna's… you know.
(she still hears Ali echoing in her head, "i'm not that way, emily" and how emily had hung back, "you're my ride", hands gripping onto the bag beside her.)
But sometimes Hanna will just look at her afterwards, blue eyes blazing in a way Ali's hadn't, and Emily will wonder if Hanna actually- but she usually stops by then.
Emily would like to love Hanna, she thinks, but every time she tries, she just sees cat like smiles and devious ice cold eyes, no matter what she does.
::
Hanna is laying beside her one day, her head resting on a pillow. Their hands are intertwined and Emily lazily strokes Hanna's hair.
When she looks down, she has the strongest urge to cry (she looks so much like her) but she licks her lips instead, yanks Hanna's head up and kisses her, teeth clacking together and Emily's hands pushing into Hanna's shoulders.
"Emily," Hanna says, pulling away, "I think I want to make this--" Emily cuts her off.
She fucks her especially aggressive that day, though she's sure not to leave any marks.
::
Hanna's eyes are the color blue of the ocean, of sapphire, of sun shining against the sky, bright and big and good.
Ali's were lighter, ice green blue against tan skin, and they had been intimidating and fierce and mean but that hadn't mattered because Emily had seen them when they were soft and sweet and loving and that's all that mattered to Emily, that she was the one who really saw Ali, even though she might not have wanted her to.
::
"She did love you. Maybe not the way you wanted her to, but she loved you."
::
So, Emily got her wish. She wanted someone to want her.
She really does hate irony sometimes.
(Hanna tells her on a rainy day when they're holed up in her room and her eyes stare straight into Emily's. Because that's Hanna for you, facing things and neverbackdown and it makes Emily want to throw something.
"I think I love you." She says and Emily rears back-- for a second she pretends it's Ali, and her heart soars into her chest.
She kisses Hanna then, murmurs around her cherrybloodred lips, "No you don't". Doesn't give her chance to answer.)
::
She doesn't want to think it but it's true: she'll always want Alison, even now, even with someone else loving her. It doesn't go away.
(ali was ice cold but emily could break her, sometimes, on rare occasions in libraries or during parties in backrooms, and emily can't let that go, she just can't.)
::
Emily tells Hanna the next week.
"I've always hated cherry lipgloss."
Hanna raises an eyebrow. "Really?"
A few days later, she kisses Emily hard, and she tastes like strawberries, fresh on her tongue.
::
fin.